April 18, 2005

Catch-Phrase Hell

Well, here it is. I finally got off my posterior and wrote what I hope will be a long list of rants, thoughts and observations. If you don’t like what I say, that’s fine. Yes, you read right. You are entitled to your opinion. Even if it’s silly. Having said that, let the story begin.

I visit my folks for the weekend every three or four weeks, something I enjoy doing for many reasons including free food, no cooking, no cleaning and watching DStv. I’m watching a late night movie called Bones, starring Snoop Dogg. In the movie, he plays the role of a resurrected gangster seeking revenge against those who killed him 22 years earlier. Now, I thought the movie was average. My critique is not of the film. It’s of the trap that I see Snoop Dogg falling into. I speak of the “Catch Phrase” trap.

The script has him saying a catch phrase every time he frags a victim. Usually he says, “Dog eat dog, brother!” Is that necessary? I went to see Racing Stripes, in which Snoop lends his voice to a dog. As if that’s not enough, in the film he says the line, “If that's a race horse, then I'm D-O double-G, baby.” He’s already playing a dog. We’re not blind. Does the movie have to point it out to us? Why Snoop, why?! And he’s not the first that Hollywood has done this to.

I remember, before Arnold Schwarzenegger became the governor of California, he was an action star. And at the height of his fame in the eighties and early nineties, he too was in catch phrase hell. I remember watching Terminator, Terminator 2, Commando and Predator waiting for the all-powerful catch phrase. I of course speak of… I’LL BE BACK! The greatest line in action movie history! No one can top that line. Not in any way, shape or form. If you were a villain and you heard those words, you knew your ass was grass. It’s so well known that if asked to do an impression of Arnie, the first words out of most people’s mouths are, “I’LL BE BACK!”

But Arnie eventually turfed this line when it became a cliché. It was doing more damage than good. A crucial hint that you should stop doing something is when it ends up in a joke. The joke I’m talking about is when Chuck Norris, Stallone and Arnie decide to do an action film starring the world’s great composers. They decide Chuck will be Mozart and Stallone will play Flizt. They ask Arnie whom he wants to play. He says “I’LL BE BACH!” Point proven. Now it seems its Snoops turn to have a catchy line. (That sounds very suspect.) Somebody needs to say this. Somebody needs to take Snoop aside and say, “look, we all get it, ok? Your name is Snoop Dogg. You don’t need to point it out any further. You can relax. Because if you keep doing it, pretty soon people are gonna just "DROP IT LIKE ITS HOT!”

Have a good one. I’ll see you at the gigs.

Posted by vittorio at 10:36 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

April 25, 2005

Happy Homeboys and Fashion Accidents

I don’t consider myself to be a fashion guru. When you’re my size you tend to shop with the mindset of “does it fit? Will I sweat in it?” Whatever the House of Versace is doing doesn’t really bother me. However I have noticed the steady increase of the homeboy phenomenon.

Most of you would have seen it by now. I’m talking about the people that have their underwear hanging out and have the crotch of their pants somewhere close to their knees. This look is, apparently, what is hip and trendy among young people now. The only advantage I’ve found in it is that clothing stores seem to stock my size now. Fashion does horrific things to the world. If you want proof of that, just look at seventies and eighties fashions to see just how badly we can lose the plot. The eighties alone did terrible things to hair, clothing and guitars. Any time you’re wearing clothing with colours bright enough to be seen from space, it’s time to just say NO!

I remember a friend, who is an eighties child, telling me about going to a party in his pyjamas… on purpose! He wasn’t five years old, it wasn’t a sleep over and it wasn’t somebody’s birthday party either. It also was not at Michael Jackson’s house. (I couldn’t resist!) No people no! This is very wrong. Think of it this way: the next time you’re getting ready to go out, look in the mirror. If, for one iota of a nanosecond you think, “I look like a dick in this” take off the outfit and choose something else! Your instinct knows best. Another simple hint is when your ensemble causes a fifteen-car collision on a major road. You’re either wearing way too little, a piece of your anatomy is hanging out or the reflection of light off your outfit is blinding people. It’s just a thought. Use it. Don’t use it. It’s your call but think of the lives you’ll save in traffic alone.

Having said all this, I’d like to leave you with a simple test on how to determine whether or not you are a homeboy. I didn’t make any of these up. These are based on my observations while walking through a malls and other such social places. I’ll start with those I’ve already mentioned.

You might be a homeboy…

1. If the crotch of your pants is between your knees.
2. If your underwear hangs out of your pants… and you’re fine with it.
3. If you wear a skullcap, scarf, head sock, bandana and a cap ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
4. If have an inability to wear a cap facing forwards.
5. If your pants are so baggy you could use them to smuggle refugees.
6. If you’ve ever been in, caused or started a fight because someone stepped on somebody’s Pumas, Converse All-stars or Timberlands.
7. If you think FUBU is high fashion.
8. If you’ve ever said that you’re “all that and a bag of chips.”
9. If it ain’t no thang but a chicken wing. (I don’t know what it means either.)
10. If someone says “for shizzle my nizzle.” And you understand what that means immediately.
11. If you’ve bought yourself jewellery and called it bling, bling.
12. If you wear so much bling, you set off metal detectors.
13. If you’re a guy and you wear more bling than your ho. (Ho, translation - girlfriend)
14. If you call your mode of transportation, your ride, lowrider, pussywagon or hoopty.
15. If you call your girlfriend a ho and it’s a term of endearment.
16. If you call someone a ho and its not in reference to gardening equipment.
17. If your male friends are your dogs and your female friends your bitches.
18. If you’ve called someone your homey and neither of you are gay.
19. If you refer to yourself as an O.G. or a Macdaddy and you’re not ordering burgers.
20. If you’ve ever been kickin’ it old school, hangin’ with the bitches, downin’ a forty or sippin’ on juice n’ gin. (I still don’t know what it means either.)
21. If you attend schools or go to parties with metal detectors and armed response units in attendance.
22. If you like M n’ M’s. The rap star, not the candy.
23. If a party is off the hook.
24. If you can’t hold a handgun properly.
25. If you’re down with it and you’re not referring to a syndrome or disease.
26. If you walk down the street and people ask you what’s wrong with your leg.
27. If your car has hydraulics and its not a fork lift.
28. If you’ve ever used your criminal record to get into rap music.
29. If you’ve ever poured alcohol on the ground to pay your respects to “your dead homeys.”
30. If you need to constantly hold your crotch. (In case it falls off, I suppose.)
And finally…
31. If you’ve ever had to stay strapped, carry a gat or pack some heat because you had to flee 5 0 after a payback 187 (What?!) you might just be a homeboy.

That’s it for another thought. If you have any additions or suggestions, please email me and I’ll look them over. Be well. Peace.

Posted by vittorio at 08:00 AM | Comments (0)

June 02, 2005

Humane Guilt

I’ve always had a problem with the Para Olympics. I don’t have a problem with the event itself though. Competing against your fellow man is one of the most human traits there are. We all want to compete, and we all want to win. I think it’s a good idea and it’s certainly better than showing you’re the best through warfare and cruise missiles. My problem is the whole idea of taking everyone with a handicap, training them to be the best at something, and then marginalising them even further by putting them in a competition where they can compete, but only against other handicapped people.

What a great idea that is, don’t you think? Lets say you’re in a wheelchair for whatever reason. You’ve been treated differently your whole life. And then one day you discover you have a knack for the javelin and not just a knack for it, you’re damn good at it. So you train, hard and long and then one day the news arrives that you’ve been selected for the South African Para Olympic Team. I wonder if any of them have thought, if only for a moment, “I’m this good in my field, but they still won’t let me play with the others. When do I get to play with the others?” you may think I’m taking the piss here but I’m not. I’m serious about this. The point I’m making is this. We’ve marginalised handicapped people for so long. Why then make a sporting event that marginalises them even further by letting them compete in open competition, but only against other handicapped people. We’re basically saying, “You’re good, damn good, but still not good enough to compete against the normal people.” And in the end, I’m pretty sure this was initially done with the best intentions, but now I think we do it to make ourselves feel better. We do this so we can say, “well at least they have something.” Some might say that it would be unfair to place handicapped people up against so called normal people. That to do this would be cruel. Maybe so, but answer me this: Has it ever been attempted? Has there ever been a fully unrestricted, totally mixed Olympics where absolutely everyone was allowed to compete, regardless of their physical or mental handicaps? Till that happens, even if it just happens once, that question can never be answered.

I believe in fair play for all. I believe that we’re all entitled to some form of acceptance and tolerance. I know it doesn’t happen. And for whatever reason, we seem to be continuing on this merry way. I guess what I’m trying to say is that if we’re going to have fair play, it should be for everyone, everywhere, at all times. Almost five years of the new millennium have passed us by. It’s time we start acting like grown-ups. I didn’t write this to offend anyone. I woke up this morning, and this was what I thought about. I hope it let you think about something, even if it’s that you need to get some food. I don’t know how you’re mind works. But I do know I need a snack. Have a good one y’all. Smile more, it helps. Till next time. Peace.

Posted by vittorio at 03:00 AM | Comments (0)

June 03, 2005

Cellphones and Movie Idiots

Am I alone in the world when it comes to cell phones and the irritation factor involved? It seems to me that not only do every retard and their cousins have one by now, but also these tossers all insist on having the funkiest ring tone. I recently read an article that in Britain, cell phones had been banned in certain areas. One of them was a public park because the bird population was being affected. It seems that the birds were mimicking the ring tones and so, without their own traditional mating calls were not reproducing, and dying out.

And everyone is always so keen to play his or her tone to you too. They say, “ listen. Doesn’t that sound just like the real song?” No, moron! It doesn’t sound in any way, shape or form like the original. It sounds like the music from a 1980s arcade game. I can remember being in an old arcade, slamming twenty-cent coins into Rygar, Mortal Kombat and Mad Dog Mcree. In all that time I never once thought the music on those games should be symphonic classics to be played at high volume in a movie house. And what annoys me the most is that these yo-yos always take a good thirty seconds to realise it’s their phone ringing.

How is that possible? Surely if you spent all that time choosing this great tune, then it would be dead easy to realise it’s yours and think, “wait. Is it possible that that could be my whiny phoning chiming its rank melody? Perhaps I should answer it or perhaps turn the thing off out of respect for the other cinemagoers. Maybe I should do this now before someone drops a cinder block on my head as retribution for poisoning the planet’s atmosphere with this heinous din.”

Then, upon realising that it’s their phoning farting out a greatest hit, they answer it! They answer it! And then they proceed to have a conversation. They seem to think that by slumping into their chair and speaking in their lowest voice they can become invisible and no one will know who they are in the DEAD QUIET CINEMA!!! I think a law should be passed allowing us to legally execute these class act jack offs in the cinema and save the world for future generations. These monkey people should not be allowed to poison the gene pool any further by breeding.

Well, that’s about enough bile dispensed for one day. Have a good one and remember, shoot a cell phone maggot for me! Peace.

Posted by vittorio at 03:00 AM | Comments (0)

July 21, 2005

I Found My Graceland

This past weekend was a truly great one. I went to ICON. Now, for those of you that have no idea what I’m on about, ICON is a role-playing; card gaming and all other things that were classified as weird geek stuff by the popular kids. The upside is I got to do stuff I always wanted to do. I got to use a sword. Not a fake, wooden, pretend sword… A REAL sword! A combat sword with the sharp pointy end and the razor’s edge. Big thank you to James and Perry for the usage of the swords. Hell yes! There are few things as liberating as swinging a sword through the air, the clash of steel and the singing sound of a blade after connecting with a target. Anyway, before I go on too much, I thought I’d give you regular folks a brief checklist of things you need to know before role-playing. For those of you already in the game, here’s a refresher course and list of anecdotes that you should be able to identify with. By the way, for you non-gamers, for larp, read Live Action Role Playing.

This past weekend was a truly great one. I went to ICON. Now, for those of you that have no idea what I’m on about, ICON is a role-playing; card gaming and all other things that were classified as weird geek stuff by the popular kids. The upside is I got to do stuff I always wanted to do. I got to use a sword. Not a fake, wooden, pretend sword… A REAL sword! A combat sword with the sharp pointy end and the razor’s edge. Big thank you to James and Perry for the usage of the swords. Hell yes! There are few things as liberating as swinging a sword through the air, the clash of steel and the singing sound of a blade after connecting with a target. Anyway, before I go on too much, I thought I’d give you regular folks a brief checklist of things you need to know before role-playing. For those of you already in the game, here’s a refresher course and list of anecdotes that you should be able to identify with. By the way, for you non-gamers, for larp, read Live Action Role Playing.

Some Famous Last words of Roleplaying:
1. It’s a gerbil liquidizer.
2. They’re only trolls.
3. How hard could it be?
4. Charge!
5. Run away!
6. Vampires are friendly.
7. Look, I killed it.
8. So… we’re sacrificing Prince Harry?
9. Why do my ponies always die?
10. F**k you, pit fiend!
11. I’ll cast a fireball. (Done in a tunnel.)
12. Do you smell petrol? (Said after striking a match.)
13. Hi. Followed by put a cap in his ass.
14. Don’t move.
15. Are you sure this a short cut?
16. Why doesn’t the rest of the party like me?
17. What a pretty flower. (Said to psychic flower that causes 400 points of damage.)
18. Where does this portal go?
19. I’m sure we can ambush this dragon.
20. Genie, make me a ham sandwich!
21. Let’s smash the orb!
22. Begone, flower fiend!
23. Is that Tarrasque gaining on us? (Big monster, runs very fast.)
24. I’ll give her a hug.
25. What are these strange black boils all over my skin?
26. Nice table. Good table.


The rules of Roleplaying:
1. Napalm fixes everything.
2. If it sounds silly, it’ll work… probably.
3. It’s perfectly normal to confuse guys for girls and girls for guys.
4. In D&D, you roll initiative and check which monster is worse off. In Cthulhu, you check to see which party member is the closest.
5. You don’t show up with weapons, you just show up with a bag of dice, an action sheet and a pen and say, “Right! Where is the bastard? Bring it on.”
6. Your boyfriend/girlfriend stands guard while you shag someone else… and it’s ok.
7. Bullets don’t work. Period.
8. Making someone cry in front of strangers is grounds for divorce.
9. “Vengeance is mine” is not just a creed; it’s a lifestyle choice.
10. “Don’t eat it; it’s poison” is a phrase you hear at least 40 or 50 times.
11. Shooting it will only make it mad.
12. You can call your guy friends “sweetie” and it doesn’t start a fight.
13. You decapitate your partner because they have more hit points than you.
14. Don’t disturb the sniper.
15. The cabin in the woods may look inviting but it would be a bad idea to enter it.

You might be a roleplayer:

1. If you know the latest weapons specs, tactics, and strategies of every major Special ops team in the world but you can’t remember how to get to work in the morning.
2. If you torture, hurt, maim and fry someone and they’re your friend.
3. Going to hell is not just a possibility, its mandatory.
4. If you enter any room and before you sit down, you know where the exits are and have your escape route planned and have improvised a weapon.
5. If a method actor has ever said to you, ”Dude, what’s your secret?”
6. You join the police or the military because they had a cool uniform and it looked good while larping.
7. You walk into a derelict building with paint peeling off the walls; subsiding floors and flickering electricity and you say, “F**k, this would be a great place for a larp!”
8. If you fight ghouls, ghosts, goblins, monsters and old grannies but you’re still afraid of a spider.
9. If you’ve ever survived an entire weekend on Cup O Noodle & hot dogs.
10. You speak ewok, elven and klingon, but can’t hold a conversation with the opposite sex.
11. If you’ve ever used the phrase, “I have this cool D&D character, wanna see?” as a pick up line.
12. If you’ve ever spent six hours without food or going to the bathroom aiming at a window, through sleet, rain and snow just to shoot your larp target.
13. If you speak in a funny voice and its an asset.
14. If you’ve ever handed in an assignment late because you were saving the world dammit!
15. If you can plan a bank heist, a terrorist attack and you know the complete access codes to area 51.
16. If you know more torture techniques than Israeli Mossad.
17. If you’ve ever asked the question, “Is Smurfette a slut?” or “where did Prince Charming kiss Sleeping Beauty?”
18. If they play, “I wanna f**k you like an animal!” And the women say, “That’s so romantic.”
19. If you dress in clear heels and skintight bodice just to win a costume contest at ICON.
20. If a skintight bodice and clear heels is your casual wear.
21. If you never have to beg your girlfriend to dress up as an anime schoolgirl.
22. If you’ve ever set fire to one dye in front of the other dice so they stop rolling badly.
23. If you spend more money on dice than Ethiopia does on food.
24. If a truck isn’t enough to transport your dice.
25. If your have trouble choosing matching dice for your outfit.
26. You can’t lend dice to people. If you do you can’t use them again because they roll funny.
27. You build Zen gardens out of dice… because you have so many.
28. If L5R, D&D, Cthulhu, Delta Green, Big Eyes Small Mouth and All Flesh Must Be Eating doesn’t make you go, “Huh?”
29. If you’ve ever wasted a gazeebo with your crossbow.


So there you have it. Hope you guys enjoyed read this segment. And to the guys at ICON, thanks for having me and every other gamer and dreamer over this year. It was great fun as usual and we’ll see you all again next year. Be well y’all. Till next time. Peace.

Posted by vittorio at 12:36 AM | Comments (0)

October 20, 2005

Pranking, Confrontation and Driving

Last night I took part in a prank on a famous personality for Laugh Out Loud. It was a lot of fun and great for meeting people in an industry that I have little or nothing to do with normally. The prank went well and in the end everyone was all smiles and happiness. I, on the other hand, was not so happy inside. One thing you should realise about me is that I hate confrontation. In all ways, shapes and forms.

One would then ask the question, “So why do you do stand up comedy?” The way I do my stand up doesn’t involve being a confrontational person. I just stand up there and wax lyrical about things I’ve seen and the thoughts I’ve had. The only time a situation is likely to occur is when some Mongoloid takes offence to the truth I just unloaded on him or her. Real life is way different. I have no control over the situation. When I’m on stage, I’m on an elevated platform, all attention is on me and I have a microphone. Not so when you’re in a tense social situation. For example, if I see a fight break out and I know the people involved, or if they’re my friends, I get physically ill. I don’t like the sight of blood, especially my own. So needless to say, pulling this prank put me right in the firing line, the celebrity we pranked later admitting to me that had the “press cameras” not been there, he would’ve slugged me. Fun! Unfortunately, I can’t disclose any other details of the prank as yet because the show hasn’t aired yet. I’ll keep you posted on when it’ll be shown and hopefully, when you see it you can all go, ”Ooh, aah, that’s nice!”

Now, moving on. The Minister of Transport has decreed that today, the 20th of October 2005 is National Car Free Day where all citizens are asked to leave their cars at home and encouraged to use all forms of public transport available for one day. A nice idea I think, considering they’re using this as an early stage test for our readiness when the Soccer World Cup comes here in 2010. But I’m not so sure about the execution of it. Firstly, something you have to realise about Johannesburg if you don’t live or work here is that it’s a long way to anywhere. Statistics I’ve read state that on average, every Johannesburg commuter will spend at least 72 minutes in traffic each day. (Source: some in-flight magazine I read on a flight to Durban about a year and a half ago.) Its here I agree with the car manufacturers. If you spend that long on the road, you want to be comfortable. A taxi isn’t comfortable. Period. I’ve used one of these fine, high-speed steel coffins and I can say that its not the most pleasant experience. Regardless of what the Proudly South African Yes-men will tell you, taxis are unpleasant regardless of where in the world you go.

One thing I’m rather keen to see is the populace of the affluent Northern Suburbs abandoning their Volvos in favour of the Metro Rail.
“Will you be taking the Bentley today sir?”
“Not today Jeeves, I’ll take the graffiti riddled Metro Train instead, I’m feeling lucky.”
“Excellent choice, milord.”
Somehow… I just don’t see it happening. Face facts. The C.E.O. of a major company doesn’t arrive at work in the same taxi his staff arrives in or at all. Period.

Another problem I have with this idea is rather simple. Everyone will be leaving their cars at home for the day… the perfect temptation for any long fingered mullet wishing to liberate my car for his own personal use. Face it folks. That many people leaving their cars at home in one day? In the car theft world, that’s referred to as jubilee celebration time. I also wonder about all those Mercedes Benz driving members of parliament leaving their luxury sedans behind for the day. I’d love to see it happen. So far, the Minister of Transport is the only one leading by example. Why am I not surprised? I guess all I actually want to see is President Thabo Mbeki trading in his jet for a taxi for a day. I think, to his surprise he’ll soon discover that taxis too are capable of low-level flight.

Anyway, that’s about it from me for now. Sorry about the ridiculously long delay between articles but writers block can be a royal pain. Be well y’all. See you at a comedy gig soon I hope. Peace.

Posted by vittorio at 12:42 PM | Comments (0)

March 16, 2006

The Unwanted Generation

So I’m sitting at home watching an episode of The Guardian. I like the show. I find it quite watchable and though I don’t always get to see it, I like the writing, the characters and the messages it tries to carry across. This episode dealt with two of the characters dealing with an unplanned pregnancy. One of the characters said something that stuck in my mind. The pregnant character was bearing her soul to a friend and when asked by her friend if she wanted to have the child, she replied, “I don’t know. I think so. This wasn’t planned.” That single phrase got me thinking.

This is happening more than we’d like to think. I believe that more and more, people are getting used to the idea that you don’t have to settle down by the time you’re thirty, be married, have children and a steady job that is slowly ticking away to mandatory retirement age where after we all stare at the walls wondering where the time went. People are finally deciding to step out of the corporate model for life and are actually trying to live their life. I think it is a good thing and if you choose to follow this path, may the fates watch over you.

At this point I can hear you thinking, “That’s nice, what’s your point Vittorio?” My point is this.

More and more people are living their lives as they choose. We seem to forget, however, that sometimes life throws you a curve ball. One of those curve balls is pregnancy. The kind of pregnancy that isn’t planned. Now I’m hoping I’m wrong about this but I can easily see this becoming the norm with many middle to upper class couples - people that have a drive to succeed, to explore their world and to live life on their own terms – raising a generation of accidental children. These people may end up on the business end of a choice they never planned on making.

Along comes an unplanned, possibly unwanted child. Their perfectly planned world just encountered a slight flutter. Now what? Have the kid, don’t have the kid? Have the kid and run the risk of failing them miserably? These and several other questions will pop up and you’ll need to answer them in your own way.

Relax. My point is coming.

What I’m trying to say is no child should ever hear the words “You weren’t planned,” come out of their parents’ mouths for any reason. Ever. No child should ever feel that their parents would have lived a happier life if they weren’t born. And while you’re sitting there thinking about what you would do in that situation, don’t kid yourself about being noble either.
Don’t think, “If I get some girl pregnant, I’ll stand by her and take responsibility for my actions.” Those are noble thoughts and a good attitude to have, but I honestly think unless you’ve actually raised a child, you can’t make that kind of a choice without having regrets. By the time you’re about 18, you should know your own true nature. If you’re a weasel then be true to that, don’t get the other persons hopes up by telling them you’ll be there when you know you won’t. Most of the time, people who choose the noble path will run at the first sign of problems, because that’s when it becomes real. You can run from an idea but when that idea is made flesh, it’s a whole new game.
I guess through all this my point is that every generation of teenagers comes along and seems to be angry about something. In the 60’s and 70’s, they were anti-establishment. In the 80’s they were doing horrific things to clothing, hair and guitars. In the 90’s the establishment was under fire again just to a different soundtrack. So far we’ve failed to have a generation that hasn’t in some way tried to claim the moniker Generation X. I think that if we aren’t careful, the next generation of teens in this world will be called The Unwanted Generation and when they eventually come to power, there will be a mighty poop storm we’ll have to negotiate.

That’s all I’m trying to say I guess. Took me a while but I got the idea across. Have a good one y’all. I hope to see you at a gig soon. Peace.

Posted by vittorio at 11:33 PM | Comments (0)

February 25, 2007

Because THEY said So!

Am I alone in the world in thinking that the commercials on TV are an insult to our collective intelligence? I say this because I've recently found myself swearing at the TV again. Not during the news either. I'm talking about when you sit at home and an advertisement for shampoo comes on and midway through you are literally deafened by your internal bullshit alarm going off. The ad on TV has just delivered its all important blurb about its active ingredient and you can't help but think, "What are these twits talking about?"

It all started for me one quiet evening. An ad came on for one of the major shampoo makers and the whole ad features some model with hair that is once again dull and lifeless. She uses the product and then her hair shines again. And I don't mean shines because the hair is healthy or from the natural radiance of the sun. Oh no! It's because of this shampoo's secret ingredient. Wait for it... Light Reflecting Boosters! LIGHT REFLECTING BOOSTERS!? Say it out loud. You can't help but hear your bullshit alarm go off. It sounds like something they have on the Space Shuttle. You will hear your brain say, "What the hell does that mean?"

One has to assume that there has always been this kind of fraudulent crap floating around the advertising landscape. Why else would some people believe THEM when THEY say using one deodorant is more likely to get you laid than using another? Guys, be honest, when has a girl ever said to you, "Mark, I would date you but I just can't be with someone that uses Brand X. It's just so last season." Oh, and by the way, if there are any women or men out there reading this that are that shallow of a human being, I hope you die of herpes and rot in hell. The world needs less of you.

Aside from that, I want to know what kind of people actually live in the advertising world? I don't mean the people making the commercials themselves. I'm talking about the people who's entire world revolves around the use of the correct razor blades, lotions, shampoo and conditioner combinations and all the anti-aging cure-alls available. I hate to tell you this but in the end, no person on this planet really cares what products you use. If you show up in a reasonably presentable fashion, regardless of the products used to get there, I'm sure your job interview/meeting/date will turn out just fine... No really.

One last point. If your biggest concerns in life are split ends and dandruff, please, for all our sakes, there's a bus leaving your area in 20 minutes... Be under it!

I feel better now. Have a good one. :)

Peace!

Posted by vittorio at 04:59 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

November 09, 2009

The Opening Monologue - 06/11/2009

Hello everyone.

As some of you already know, I was involved in a political satire show on SABC 3 called Last Say On Sunday. It aired, up until 3 weeks ago, on SABC3 on Sunday nights at 9pm.

I was the head writer on the show and one of my jobs was to create an opening monologue with the show's host Darren Maule. The opening monologue was a brief round up of the week's past news.

Though the show is now over, I have decided to keep writing the monologue. It keeps me sharp and hopefully helps me exercise some of my funny bones.

So, here it is. The first web installment of The Opening Monologue for the week gone by.

Enjoy.

The Opening Monologue - Friday, 6th of November 2009
Written by Vittorio Leonardi.
Edited by The Last Say On Sunday Writing Team.

Good evening.

The week started off with a bang and hasn't dissipated one bit. The heat is definitely on especially for Glen Agliotti. This week saw his ex fiancé, Dianne Muller take to the stand to give evidence against him. Not sparing the rod on Glen, Miss Muller repeatedly referred to him as a liar. Mr. Agliotti is now learning one of life's most important lessons: Be nice to your ex because one day she may turn States witness. Not wanting to leave anyone out, she also said that Jackie Selebi's denials of payments and receiving of gifts was an outright lie. What is that line about a woman scorned?

It's official. Last week saw Joost Van Der Westhuizen finally admit to what we knew anyway. It was him in a now notorious sex tape originally released by Heat Magazine. His wife, Amor said in a very emotional interview that she didn't know what the future held but said she was going "to give 110 percent of myself to rebuild our relationship". Ever the supportive wife, this means that Joost only has to bring 90% to the relationship to make it work so at least some of the pressure is off him.

Students have once again shown their anger through fire and flame this week when on Tuesday night they went on a rampage through the University of Zululand's campus. A lecture hall was destroyed and the library, computer labs and SRC offices were badly damaged when students stoned the buildings. This is a bit of a turnaround since it's usually the students that get stoned behind the library. This is the first recorded instance of a library getting stoned. Students were heard to be chanting:

"The Hall, the hall, the lecture hall is on fire.
We don't need no degree, let the lecture hall burn.
Burn lecture hall, burn!"

The ANC has scorned calls by Numsa - The National Union of Metalworkers of South Africa - to natiolnalise the wealth of Tokyo Sexwale and Patrice Motsepe after they appeared on a list of SA's 150 richest people. The ANC responded with a line similar to the famous Julius Malema airport quote. They said "What about all the white people?" A valid point since only 20 people on the list are black. Numsa said they don't want to target specific people. They stated that levels of poverty and inequality are now so bad that the state should intervene. Cosatu General Secretary Zwelinzima Vavi distanced his group from the call. This may have something to do with his salary doubling this year.

The Department of Water Affairs has stated that South Africa faces another Eskom if more money is not made available for massive maintenance. Like with Eskom, funds necessary for key repairs have never been properly allotted. Perhaps certain Ministerial vehicles could be recouped to cover the expenses? This does mean we could have happen to our water what happened to our electricity. So if we had load-shedding with Eskom, can we now expect water-shedding or perhaps a drip-out?

The SABC has appointed a task force to review legislation that would see the end of TV license fees. The public broadcaster has suggested a 1% levy on all viewers to cover the costs of running the SABC. If this law gets passed it won't be like it was with a TV licence. It'll no longer be the right thing to do, just the mandatory one. That's okay. It means that certain quality programming might just get re-commissioned.

Its official, South Africa has joined the first world. How you may ask? Well, it wasn't the Rainbow Nation or our return to democracy that did it. South Africa is no longer producing the VW Citi Golf, a vehicle traditionally only produced in third world countries. So to South America and China we'd like to say "Das auto ist weg."

This week's award for overstating the obvious goes to... Drum Roll please.... Judge Siraj Desai, the Chairperson of the Correctional Supervision and Parole Review Board. In a statement he conceded that Shabir Shaik's release on medical parole has damaged the credibility of the parole system. To this we'd like to say, thank you, Captain Obvious now go and arrest him.

And finally, Government is probing Julius Malema. Relax. They're looking into reports that when caught speeding in Limpopo province, Julius threw his political weight around to get out of a fine. It is alleged that on spotting the traffic roadblock, his driver used a blue police light to avoid being stopped, a light he had no authorisation to use. On being pulled over, it's alleged Julius gave the cops a hard time saying:

"Who do you think you are? Are you not aware that I am Julius, the president of the Youth League? I know that some of you hate me."

Now Julius, hate is a very strong word. And as head of the Youth League, you should know better. Now go to your room young man and think about what you've done.

This concludes this week's Opening Monologue. See you next week and remember, you haven't heard it all until you've heard the Last Say on Sunday.

Goodbye.

Posted by vittorio at 02:22 PM | Comments (0)

November 16, 2009

The Opening Monologue - 16/11/2009

The Opening Monologue - Friday the 13th of November 2009
Written by Vittorio Leonardi.
Edited by The Last Say On Sunday Writing Team.

Good evening.

Stories from far and wide have graced our week and have ranged from the serious to the whiny and complaining. So let's start there.

On Monday, asylum-seeking Brandon Huntley had his lawyers making a big stink after it was made clear that Huntley's asylum case would be reviewed. His lawyers stated the review was "based on misguided politically correct notions." These notions are not to be confused with the evidence originally presented by Brandon Huntley in his asylum appeal which can be likened to the works of Bram Stoker and Raymond E. Feist for its sheer fictitious content.


Civilians are unavoidable collateral damage when the police face off with criminals. This was the summation of a statement made by Deputy Police Minister Fikile Mbalula on Thursday. This was followed by a statement by Jenny Irish-Quobosheane, the public's representative in the police department in Cape Town on Friday. She stated that the current trend of civilian shootings by the police has been happening for at least three years and not just recently as had been reported in "sensationalist" media reports.

So just so that we're all clear on this. Media sensationalism is the enemy here and we should all get used to the occasional perforation of a bystander by police-issued live ammunition.

One has to wonder, if the current trend continues, how long it will be before a hijacking victim screams "Please don't shoot me!" And the hijacker responds, "Do I look like the police?"


It pays to be a security guard in Pietermaritzburg and it pays quite well. Security officials in the local municipality have been claiming overtime like someone is going to take it away from them. In one case a claim of R94000 in overtime was paid. This has led to IFP officials asking whether or not the security operatives are even necessary.
Their argument: If there is a security threat, it wouldn't come not from opposition parties but from people within the party. I guess it pays to know who's unstable in your group.


"The (broadcasting) bill is a discussion document. It is (in) its formative stages. Those who do not agree with some of the issues... can come forward and raise those issues".

And they have. Opposition parties have raised their voices about the proposed new Broadcasting Bill. They feel it will give government too much control over what the public broadcaster allows on air. Communications Minister Siphiwe Nyanda defended the bill by saying that Government was criticised for not intervening when the SABC was in dire straits and is now being criticised again for trying to steer the beleaguered broadcaster. Gentlemen, he's got a point, you can't have it both ways. Unless you're in final mix yourself, you can't have your broadcaster and air it too.


Learners on Thursday stormed Langa High School disrupting a Matric English Exam and destroying exam papers. This was not because they didn't like the essay question. The learners - members of the Congress of South African Students (COSAS) - were up in arms over the possible closure of the Lagunya Finishing School. Clearly, finishing their Matric year isn't high on the agenda either. I'm gonna get me some edumacation, ahyuk!!


What rhymes with drunken racial slurs? Judge Nkola Motata! After he was found guilty of drunk driving, he was sentenced to a fine of R20000 or 1 year in jail. He lost his appeal and now a translation of an audio recording proving that he made racial slurs after crashing his car has surfaced. His comments included:

"All of you, let me tell you, my brothers and sisters - these people should not catch us. Let us live, we are the majority and this is our land.

"It is not the land of the boers, even if they have big bodies. South Africa is ours, we rule it."

The incoherency continued with:

"I am caught by these boers, I do not care for them. I do not want to talk to them... They must not think they have caught me with something, that will not happen."

I guess that proves the old saying: "Stupid is as stupid slurs."


Staying with traffic laws for a moment, Pretoria may soon have a 30km/h to 40km/h speed limit in certain areas to ease traffic flow in the city. The areas affected would include schools, tertiary institutions, taxi ranks, Loftus Versfeld and densely populated residential areas. An existing project is already in place on Sibelius Street in Lukasrand and will be used as an initial case study and trial run. However the trial run or gentle jog turns out, the powers that be must remember that for most drivers across South Africa, the speed limit is seen as more of a speed suggestion.


Onto corruption now and it seems the warders are learning for the criminals as taxpayers fork out R1 million per month for suspended correctional services officials. Some have been suspended for over 2 years where the legal limit is 90 days. At last count 117 freeloaders were awaiting proceedings. And they say crime doesn't pay. Apparently it pays monthly.


"The business community has lost its sense of ethics."

Well someone had to say it. This was the statement made by Deputy Finance Minister Nhlanhla Nene at Tuesday night's Cape Times/KPMG Business Personality of The Year 2009 Awards in Cape Town. His speech touched on anti-competitive behaviour, price fixing and collusion in big business. In his summing up he asked business to have a conscience. The rest of his speech was drowned out by all the laughter.

And finally, there is to be no extension to the tax deadline SARS announced on Wednesday. If you don't have your filing done by the 20th of November,

They're coming to take you away Ha Ha
They're coming to take you away ho ho he he ha ha
to the prison cell where life is hazardous all the time, and you'll be saddened to see those nice young men in their clean blue caps
and they're coming to take you away ha haaaa!

This concludes this week's edition of The Opening Monologue. See you all next week and remember you haven't heard it all until you've heard the Last Say On Sunday.

Goodbye.

Original song lyrics from "They're Coming To Take Me Away" by LARD.

Posted by vittorio at 02:25 PM | Comments (0)

November 23, 2009

The Opening Monologue - 23/11/2009

The Opening Monologue - Monday the 23th of November 2009
Written by Vittorio Leonardi.

Good evening.

It's been said that music can soothe the savage beast and nowhere was that more evident than when South Africa played France last week. The crowd was treated to a remix of our National Anthem by a supposed South African. As usual, the incident was nobody's fault with the singer, Ras Dumisani, blaming his poor performance on the sound equipment, the French said he'd sounded fine in rehearsal and the South African Embassy said he was just a name on a list they'd given to the French.

To sum up, Singer Ras Dumisani's rendition of "Die Stem" was... different. Footage of the Bokke during the performance shows Morne Steyn and Brian Habana trying to suppress their laughter as the singer warbled through. Dumisani's performance made it obvious to all within earshot that he didn't know the words to what he was supposed to be singing. Either that or he was trying to yodel the anthem while passing a kidney stone.

Donovan Moodley has started his appeal process this week. He is hoping to gain leniency on his life sentence. Among his many pearls of insight, Moodley has blamed the media for blowing the case out of all proportion and therefore making it impossible for him to receive unbiased judgement. It was also the reason he couldn't release Leigh Matthews unharmed. This is despite the fact that her family delivered on the requested R50 000 ransom demand. That's right, it's the media's fault that a kidnapping, extortion-using, greedy murderer could neither spare a life nor receive clemency. What next? Was your sound equipment faulty too, Mr. Moodley?


The dynamic duo - Police Commissioner Nathi Mthethwa and his Deputy Fikile Mbalula - were in fine form on Wednesday. Firstly, the police commissioner dispelled rumours that the two were at odds with each other by saying:

"Bee-bop Mbalula
He's my deputy!
Bee-bop Mbalula
There's no discrepancy!
Yeah!!"

He then went on to defend the purchase of a R150 million jet saying it was necessary to fight crime. This left many wondering if the police were now employing the X-Men or The Fantastic Four since both groups have their own plane. Deputy Police Commissioner Mbalula also reiterated that it was inevitable that civilians would die in the crossfire of the war on crime. So the next time you hear the sirens of police cars, look up in the sky. It's a bird, it's a plane, it's our Deputy Police Commissioner! Now DUCK!!


There was a bit of excitement in the Jackie Selebi trial this week as an opportunistic lawyer tried to serve papers on a witness. He entered the courtroom and tried to serve a summons on Billy Rautenbach for tax evasion. Ironically, Mr. Rautenbach had been giving testimony about how he had tried, through Glen Agliotti, to get Jackie Selebi to keep the cops off his back for tax evasion. Lawyers' in the court were most annoyed with the intruder saying, "If you want to prosecute anyone, get in line! There's a queue!!"


Sticking with the courts, the Jurie Els/Robbie Klay case is drawing to a close and still everybody's talking angry and the judge can't tell whose fibbing. The State closed its case on Thursday leaving the judge to quiz Klay on several items in his case. These included the lack of physical evidence showing Klay's abuse and why it was that if it wasn't about the money, then why had Klay accepted R10000 from YOU/Huisgenoot for his story. I guess it'll come out in the end... So to speak.


There's too much sex, violence and bad language on TV. That was the opinion of President Zuma as he addressed a meeting of entertainers at Sandton Convention Centre on Tuesday. The president wanted to remind all the artists present that they had a social responsibility when producing any content. He also alluded that violence on TV could lead to violence in reality. Really? That's so eighties. He also cautioned against local content that misrepresented South Africans.

"Any misrepresentation of our culture for commercial gain is harmful and unacceptable."

That's very true. And as an example, I present a certain rendition of our National Anthem by a certain questionable artist.


The Department of Correctional Services is scrapping overtime in a move that will save the department an annual R1.2 billion. In light of this, prisoners are advised that should they need to riot, office hours are between 8am to 4pm, Monday through Friday. Make an appointment and please be prompt.


Our country's mortality rate has been released and there is much confusion as to how many people have died in the past year. The figure stands at between 600 000 and 750 000 deaths in 2008, depending on who you ask, which some analysts say it makes South Africa look as though an AIDS bomb has gone off. When asked about the figures Dr Debbie Bradshaw, head of the Medical Research Council (MRC), said dyslexia must have caused someone to transpose the numbers. Department of Home Affairs spokeswoman Siobhan McCarthy blamed some of the discrepancy on the late registration of deaths that should have fallen under the 2007 statistics. That's the trouble with the dead; they're lousy at keeping appointments.


And finally, the beach can be a dangerous place with blue bottles, broken bottles and... artillery shells. So far, seven artillery shells have washed up on Durban's beach. Apparently the source of these incendiary explosives is a 60 year old World War 2 munitions dump off our coast. Changing ocean currents have caused the deadly flotsam to end up on our shores. So this summer, wear sunscreen, play nice and mind your step. Or your song of the summer may just be Ta-Ra-Ra Boom-De-Ay!


This concludes this week's edition of The Opening Monologue. See you next week and remember, you haven't heard it all till you've heard The Last Say On Sunday.

Goodbye.

Posted by vittorio at 12:20 AM | Comments (0)

November 30, 2009

The Opening Monologue - 30/11/2009

The Opening Monologue - Monday the 30th of November 2009
Written by Vittorio Leonardi.

Good evening.
This week was another belter with some truly special people oozing many a wondrous and addle-brained remark from their hobbled psyches. To start, Wednesday saw Government announce that former Justice Director-General Menzi Simelane will take over as the National Director of Public Prosecutions. This was met with a veritable tsunami of protest from opposition parties and some members of government.
Put simply, the man's been called and accused of everything from a lying to the Ginwala Commission to being "an ANC yes-man." His election has been called shocking and unlawful. So it should come as no surprise that senior advocate, Pat Ellis has submitted an official complaint with the Bar Council. If found guilty Simelane will no longer be able to be our new NDPP.
The Ginwala Commission found that it was most likely that Simelane had interfered with the investigation into former Police Commissioner Jackie Selebi. But President Jacob Zuma's spokesperson, Vusi Mona, said Ginwala's findings were not relevant to Simelane's appointment.

Possibly interfering in an investigation is not relevant?

Of course yes. And an inadequate number of lifeboats were simply a minor inconvenience aboard the Titanic.


Christmas signals a time of peace and goodwill; where it is better to give than to receive. It might explain why the courts granted three bribe-seeking cops - one in Middleburg, the other two in Limpopo - bail this week. The Limpopo Duo tried to solicit a R5000 bribe from a motorist that was driving without a license. When the driver didn't have the money, they escorted him to an ATM to withdraw the cash. How helpful of them. I guess for some it is better to receive than to give.


A Welkom woman that found out her son was planning to have her killed has dropped the charges against him. She said she realised that she had played a large role in what had happened and just wants her son back. Some people might view this as a move that could be described as Mistake Number 1. But consider the following: A troubled youth with a parent that is taking responsibility for how their actions affect their child? Take a picture folks. You may never see it again. These days, that's about as likely as a self-confident female lead in a teen vampire movie.


Bruce Fordyce is in a pickle after he allegedly referred to a woman as being a coconut. The incident took place in April at a party where Fordyce and Roberta McBride - a cousin of the infamous Robert McBride - got into a heated debate about the contribution of the late Helen Suzman to the apartheid struggle. Fordyce stating that it was a great contribution, McBride, not so much. Later that night Fordyce asked whom she would be voting for in the elections. McBride responded the ANC since they support BEE and Affirmative Action. Fordyce allegedly responded that she doesn't need affirmative action since she's a coconut. And this why drinking and Dycing don't mix. Bruce, remember, you can run the comrades but not your mouth.


923 government officials have been arrested for housing fraud. A new record! HA!! In your face Somalia! Most corrupt country in the world indeed. How's your housing corruption going?
Staying with housing, Thursday saw a happy ending to a tragic story. The family of Sikhumbuzo Mhlongo, who committed suicide after being refused an identity document, were given a new house by various representatives of government. And then on Friday, Home Affairs stated that the incident that caused the suicide - the tearing up of his application form by home affairs officials - never happened. But if there was no wrongdoing, why give them a house? Class, can you say Golden Handshake?


Vuyo Mbuli, presenter for SABC 2's Morning Live, should be relieved after assault charges against him were dropped. But he isn't. His family is still upset. The charge stems from an incident where Pat Legwabe discovered Mbuli at a house of his friend - Thabisa Nyamakazi - at 23:00 Monday night. Allegedly she was only wearing underwear and a nightie and Mbuli was buttoning up his shirt at the time. After an altercation, Mbuli threw a vase at Legwabe, injuring his leg and resulting in the assault charge. Mbuli has denied all charges adding he'll only be happy after his family has made it through this difficult time.

"I should've just gone home," said Mbuli.

"This is going to be a part of my life for a long time, but if you've done something wrong, you must bear the consequences. My focus is on my family now, because things are not okay at home yet."

Yet?

Don't lose that confidence Mr.Mbuli.


And finally, Donovan Moodley gets a special mention. This past Wednesday saw his appeal to his life sentence overturned, smashed into a tree and burst into flames. The judge saw no merit to any of Moodley's claims that he was sentenced too harshly and that the media was to blame for Leigh Matthews' death.

Regarding his quest for vindication, Moodley said:

"I want to make this clear, I will stop at nothing, leaving no legal means untried," he said in a hand-written statement given to journalists. He also referred to himself as a "media favourite."

Really?

A media favourite? The same media that "forced you" to kill Leigh Matthews?

The way things are going in this case, don't be surprised when the next time you look up the word "delusional" you find a picture of Donovan Moodley.


This concludes this week's edition of The Opening Monologue. See you next week and remember, you haven't heard it all till you've heard The Last Say On Sunday.

Goodbye.

Posted by vittorio at 12:00 AM | Comments (0)

December 07, 2009

The Opening Monologue - 07/12/2009

The Opening Monologue - Friday the 7th of December 2009
Written by Vittorio Leonardi.

Good evening.
The festive season has truly begun in earnest and nowhere is that more evident than for our former police commissioner now turned professional trial attendee, Jackie Selebi. On Tueday it was announced that his trial would be postponed till February the 1st 2010. This is so that the state security ministry can challenge the judge's decision to compel former national intelligence co-ordinator Barry Gilder to testify. Their argument is that he may compromise national security. However state prosecutor, Gerrie Nel, stated that everything Mr. Gilder will testify to is already in the public domain. Not much of a secret then is it? And you guys are in charge of keeping secrets? James Bond would be so proud... OF YOUR EPIC FAIL!!!


If Eskom produced chocolate the same way they produce electricity, they would never get away with their annual 35% rate hike. This was the message from Flip Buys, chief executive of trade union Solidarity. He stated:

"If Cadbury's needed to build a new chocolate factory, the company wouldn't increase the price of its chocolates by 35 percent per year to pay for the new factory... the company would be eaten alive by its competitors."

And what a tasty meal it would be. The morals of that story - Eskom needs competition and if they did produce chocolate, Valentine's Day and Easter would be perpetually on hold.


Sticking with edibles and comestibles for a moment; on Wednesday the DA called for a probe into food parcels handed out by Julius Malema on behalf of the South African Social Security Agency (Sassa).

Where's the harm in that you ask?

Well Patrice Kopane, DA spokeswoman on social development pointed out that the Sassa is a state institution funded with public money, is non-partisan and not a political party.

So why was the ANC's banner flying in the background on the day?

I doubt it has anything to do with the fact that Paseka Letsasi, a senior executive of Sassa, is also a member of the ANC youth league's national executive committee or that Julius Malema gave a R100 000 statutory Sassa grant to Rosie Claasen; a leading member of the ANC who runs a soup kitchen and a home for orphans.

No sir, no connection whasoever. These are not the droids you're looking for. *waves hands mystically.*


The presidential hotline seems to have bubbled under. Created so that anyone could report poor service delivery, it has since its inception in September this year fielded over 30000 complaints. Of that number, only a third has been resolved. Apparently, the system can't handle the sheer volume of calls coming in. So the system designed for reporting poor service delivery is unable to deliver? Methinks there's a message there somewhere.

Please listen for it after the beep. *BEEP*


Former President Thabo Mbeki should be held accountable for his handling of the AIDS pandemic said the Young Communists League of SA on Wednesday. They also said that a Truth and Reconciliation-type commission should be set up to assess whether or not the former president "is guilty of mass killing."
However, voices have been raised apposing such a witch-hunt including National Association of People living with HIV/Aids secretary general Nkululeko Nxesi. Raqising , quote:

"We need to spend all the limited resources and time we have in fighting HIV and Aids rather than focusing on fighting people and things that happened in the past. It is important that we move forward and stop trying to settle scores and by being vengeful."

A valid point.

On vengeance, Winston Churchill said "Nothing is more costly, nothing is more sterile than vengeance."

Although you have to admit, dressing up Thabo Mbeki in a chicken suit and hurling cream pies at him for an afternoon would be a tad gratifying.


At the 2010 World Cup, you can get arrested by train. The SAPS will have a train with a complete police station and holding cell ready to go for troublemakers. A first of its kind anywhere, inmates will be able to have a cell with a view.
And should they get rowdy,

"Sir, please. Would you like to take this outside?" HONK! HONK!! CLANG!!!

Problem solved.


And finally, by now almost everyone should know that Tiger Woods has admitted to having had at least one "transgression" with several other ladies lining up in the wings to have their 15 minutes of fame. Besides the confessions, depressions and public arbitrations in the media, the strangest story is that of John Ziegler, the pastor of the First Church of Tiger Woods.

Ziegler created the church in 1996 to "celebrate the emergence of the 'true messiah'".

He has since announced that after much personal evaluation he is dissolving the church and has renamed his website The Damnation of Tiger Woods.

"Tiger is clearly no longer deserving of being seen as a role model."

Agence France-Presse (AFP) made this fine point.

"Ziegler's reaction appears to fly in the face of the 10th of the Tiger Commandments - "Thou shall pay no attention to Tiger's apparent flaws".

I think someone needs to go bury their head in a bunker and cool off.


This concludes this week's edition of The Opening Monologue. See you next week and remember, you haven't heard it all till you've heard The Last Say On Sunday.
Goodbye.

Posted by vittorio at 10:02 AM | Comments (0)

December 14, 2009

The Opening Monologue - 14/12/2009

The Opening Monologue - Monday the 14th of December 2009
Written by Vittorio Leonardi.

Good evening.

The Yule tide is fast approaching. A time of miracles and a time to give thanks to the blessings bestowed on the less fortunate. Nowhere is that message clearer than with Shabir Shaik. In October of this year the Natal Mercury reported that Shaik was sighted playing golf in apparent violation of his parole. The Department of Correctional Services asked Shaik to explain the incident. Shaik duly replied with a statement saying:

"It wasn't me."

The state replied: "Oh well that's fine then."

See. No problems there. Correctional Services Minister, Nosiviwe Mapisa-Nqakula also took the opportunity to reiterate that she had no evidence that doctors had erred in their recommendation to grant Shabir Shaik medical parole nor that the Correctional Services and parole board had erred in its decision.

But, nobody mentioned that minister. Could that be guilt gnawing at your soul? Are you possibly due for a visit from the Ghost of Christmas Future?

On Thursday, the Freedom Front Plus - now with added delusion - stated that The Department of Home Affairs was "the most corrupt government department"

YAAAAAY!! *through streamers, dance around* Thank you Captain Obvious.

This was after the announcement that dozens of suspended officials were being investigated for giving citizenship to mainly Pakistani foreigners. This comes one year after Britain warned us that corrupt officials were handing out false South African passports thus making us a gateway country for terrorists.

Awkward much.

"The fraudulent registration of births of foreigners constitutes a serious threat to the national security of our country," Home Affairs Minister Nkosazana Dlamini Zuma said in a statement Thursday.

Actually minister I think you'll find it's the targeted countries that are in danger.

She said South African investigations would ensure all those implicated "face the full might of the law".

Indeed, unless they've already left our country. Then I guess they're someone else's problem.

Spokesperson for The Freedom Front Plus, Corne Mulder, stated that Minister Dlamini-Zuma and her department were "causing the general public to become more convinced that home affairs is the most corrupt government department".

Oh don't worry. We're convinced. Now do something about it!!


Thursday morning was also a day of firsts when head of the ANC Youth League, Julius Malema was booed at the SACP's special national congress following the recent mud-slinging between the SACP's Jeremy Cronin and Malema.

It all started when Cronin, in reference to Malema's calls to nationalise the mines of South Africa, stated that Julius didn't really understand the economics of the situation. Malema retorted, accusing Cronin of being the SACP's "white messiah."

Defaulting to the race card again Julius? How original.

Added to the fray were Blade Nzimande's comments on Tuesday where he attacked certain ANC members who were anti-communist. He also attacked capitalism and stated that socialism was the only way forward.

He has a point.

Communism and Socialism has worked out well in so many countries like Cuba... No wait, they're starving. Well, there's China. No wait, 80% of their rural population has AIDS. Well... it looks good on paper is all we're saying. We should all keep that in mind as Blade Nzimande drives around in his government Merc. Like a good communist should.

With all this mud flying about it is no surprise that on Sunday it became known that Minister Cronin was receiving SMS threats from someone claiming to be Julius Malema. Cronin has stated "I don't think its Malema." And why not? Was the grammar poor or was the message just in Pedi?

Lads, if I may, as a humble capitalist interject, tis the season to be jolly so how about we lay down our mudslingers and sing a few carols. Come Boxing Day, you can all sling away again.


And speaking of shiny presents under the Christmas tree never let it be said you never bought someone a gift this festive season. You, the taxpayer just shelled out R760 000 for yet another ministerial bling mobile. The deputy minister of correctional services, Hlengiwe Mkhize has just bought herself a new Porsche Cayenne as her official vehicle. To blend in with career criminals when she goes undercover I suppose.

Not to be out done, her boss, minister of correctional services Nosiviwe Mapisa-Nqakula lashed out R970 000 of taxpayers' money on a Lexus LS460.

Through all of this, minister of public service and administration Richard Baloyi has insisted that no rules have been broken. The DA has retorted that it might just be a good idea that ministers use cheaper official vehicles, what with them being public servants and all. Baloyi can't understand why so many voices of derision are still being raised about these vehicles.

Oh I don't know either. Could it be that every time government says there is no money for some or other public investment we as citizens see a bling government car cruise by and get the urge to hijack and sell said vehicle just to free up some loot?

Why must we always ask about those cars? Why can't we all just follow their lead... like good little sheep should?


The Airports Company of South Africa (ACSA) has "ambitious" plans to curb luggage pilfering at OR Tambo Airport said Transport Minister Sbu Ndebele on Thursday. He said nothing about the other airports so for now Bloemfontein, Durban and Cape Town can relax and keep on nicking.

Some might think that simply implementing an anti-pilfering plan sans announcement would be better than announcing it first. This is because one loses the element of surprise if they know you're coming.

Just a thought. Tipping your hand? Bad minister, no biscuit!

In reply to a Parliamentary question, Ndebele said that 0.9 of 1000 bags were pilfered at O.R. Tambo airport in the last financial year. Well below the world benchmark of 1.0 bags per 1000.

Sidebar!! Am I correct in saying that 0.9 out of a 1000 bags is just 0.1 below the benchmark? How then is that well below? It's not unlike being beaten within an inch of your life. It really isn't that far.

ACSA's target for the 2009/10 is 0.3 bags pilfered per 1000. They were mum on getting the planes to run on time. Some things just weren't meant to be.


And finally, a recent medical study published in the journal "Behavioural Neurosciences" has discovered that caffeine - friend to drunken students, deadline chasers and hangover sufferers the world over - will not sober you up. Yes indeed, coffee will remove the sedative effects of alcohol but it won't correct your bad judgement.

In other words, drinking a bucket-load of Jagerbombs will get you drunk but instead of passing out, you'll still be fully cognisant of the grumbler you hook up new Year's Eve. And you'll be unable to stop yourself. So folks, this festive season as you pour down that 9th vodka and redbull and saunter off into the night with that screaming howler on your arm, remember, you brought this on yourself. Later on when you wake up next to... it, you can rest easy with the knowledge that you were conscious the whole time. Vivid memories, hell yeah!! Now doesn't that make you want to just jingle all the way?


This concludes this week's edition of The Opening Monologue. See you next week and remember, you haven't heard it all till you've heard The Last Say On Sunday.

Goodbye.

Posted by vittorio at 02:20 PM | Comments (0)

December 22, 2009

The Opening Monologue - 21/12/2009

The Opening Monologue - Monday the 21st of December 2009
Written by Vittorio Leonardi.

Good evening.

Christmas is four days away and with it - according to all the advertising I've seen - a period of peace, tranquillity and goodwill should have blanketed the land by now.

However...

There are a few people that have used up just about all the goodwill we can spare. I refer to those wayward souls that seem content to ride the goodwill bus till it runs out of fuel, rolls to the shoulder of the freeway and detonates with all the spectacle of a Guy Fawkes Celebration.

To start off this merry edition...


"How much more proof does the minister need before deciding to act against (this) convicted fraudster?"

This was the question posed by DA spokesperson for Correctional Services, James Selfe. He was referring to mounting evidence against the veracity of Shabir Shaik's repeated parole violations. With increasing evidence showing up in the local and national press about the constant gallivanting of the supposedly dying Shabir Shaik, the pressure has built to a fever pitch with even the most passive correctional services staffer having to admit that something is very wrong.
Sunday saw civil rights group, Agriforum, lodge a complaint with the Parole Board after Shaik was yet again sighted doing extra-curricular activities well outside the scope of his parole rights. I.E. the man is taking the piss. From golfing to shopping, Shabir Shaik has been documented violating his parole with not a even a peep out of the parole board. Now we're all reasonable folk. I'm willing to meet the parole board half-way. I think we would sleep easier at night if we could know the name of whatever disease it is that Shaik is supposedly dying of.

The last time I checked Gravy-trainitis and acute Truth Failure are not diseases.


Eyebrows and ire were raised on Friday when the South African Commercial, Catering and Allied Workers' Union (Saccawu) accused Pick n' Pay of racism in the company. Company chairperson Raymond Ackerman was "outraged" at the statement. In response to this, Ackerman reminded Saccawu that:

"Both the company and I suffered significant abuse at the hands of former politicians for our stand on human rights for black South Africans.

"We were harassed for our decision to violate the Job Reservation Act and promote black South Africans to positions they had earned in Pick n Pay," he said.

Two weeks ago Saccawu members at Pick n Pay embarked on a one day strike, accusing the company's CEO Nick Badminton of racism but gave little evidence regarding the incident. The only evidence they sited was a comment allegedly made by the CEO over a decade before. This naturally raises the question, why the long wait fellas? Did the incident slip your mind till now?

Some of the more cynical among you might think it has something to do with the upcoming wage negotiations between Pick n' Pay and Saccawu, an attempt to gain some sort of leverage over the company. But they wouldn't do that... would they? An underhanded union? Say it ain't so!!


Julius Malema is once again prepared to go to war. This most recent declaration came after the SACP meeting where he was booed off the stage by SACP members and was not allowed to speak.

"If that booing was a declaration of war, we are accepting that invite," said Malema.

He continued saying that the ANC Youth League would fight any attempts by "greedy yellow communists" to control the (ANC) party. He also lashed out at Higher Education Minister Blade Nzimande for saying nothing in his address which preceded the booing incident calling him a "master character assassinator."

And just to round up his rant, Malema admitted to sending a sms to the man whom he dubbed the SACP's "white messiah", Jeremy Cronin in which he said "If you thought you have taught me a lesson, wait until you see what is coming your direction,"

With all this fur flying it is no surprise that on Tuesday deputy president Kgalema Motlanthe stated that he had no doubt that these two would face disciplinary action. Now you see what you boys have done. No Christmas presents for you. Go stand in the corner and think about what you've done. And not another word or it's off to Black Peter's mine with you.


South Africa will become the first country in history to deploy HIV-positive troops to active duty. Though they will only serve in a support capacity and would not be deployed on the front lines it's a worldwide first which we can all be very proud of. In addition to this, Zimbabwe has already shown interest in adopting the same framework since they have the same issue of HIV-positive troops in their ranks. Proving that fighting a common enemy can bring people together.


You heard it here first folks. Speed traps are not just for making money according to Transport Minister Sbu Ndebele.

"It is to promote compliance with the road traffic rules and regulations,"

"By penalising errant road users, there can be greater awareness of compliance, thereby reducing offences, crashes and casualties." the minister said in a written reply to Inkatha Freedom Party member Peter Smith.

Smith had asked whether municipalities focus on speed fines to the exclusion of other traffic offences and whether this was because of the ready income stream generated from speeding fines.

A fair question. It makes shrewd business sense to focus on what makes the most money. And let's be honest. The fact that speeding fines generate a convenient revenue stream for municipalities is just a side effect. Sure. And speed doesn't kill either. Stopping very suddenly on the other hand...


Unless you've been asleep for the last five days you'll know that former health minister Manto Tshabalala-Msimang died on Reconciliation Day of complications arising from her liver transplant. Before anyone else flies off the handle or decides to say another bright comment - Gareth Cliff - please make peace with the following:

1. A memorial service will be held for her.
2. She will be remembered as a struggle hero.
3. Her history in dealing with the AIDs pandemic will be spoken of in hushed tones by some at first, loud tones by others later on.
4. She will be receiving a state funeral with military escort - to guard against invasion I suppose.
5. Some people - Gareth Cliff - will be rather vocal of their dislike of her.

I will say this. One of the few positive points that will be raised at her funeral will be her contribution to the struggle.

Now, I don't mean to sound like one of the cynical horde but if the only good things people can remember about you are actions you took 15 years ago... I think the record will speak for itself. Rest in peace Minister Msimang.


Staying briefly with the cheery subject of death, Hollywood actress Brittany Murphy, 32, died Sunday after she went into cardiac arrest and was pronounced dead on arrival at Cedars-Sinai Medical Centre. She had collapsed in her bathroom; LA City Fire-fighters were called to "a medical request" but could not revive her. Murphy starred in films including "Clueless," "8 Mile" and "Don't Say a Word." And leave us not to forget "Frank Miller's Sin City". Farewell Miss Murphy, we hardly knew ye.


And finally, my Douchebags of The Year award for 2009 goes to the people that stole the sign above the gate to Auschwitz. That's right. On Friday last, a group of moronic throwbacks thought it would be a good idea to steal the sign that stands above the entrance to the most notorious Nazi Death Camp in history. Marked with the phrase "Arbeit Macht Frei" or "Work Sets You Free" over R 1 million people, mostly Jews, passed under these words and marched to their deaths. What a jolly Christmas present that will make.


With that I'd like to amend an earlier statement I made. Mr. Malema, Mr Cronin, you're free to go. You Nazi-loving, right wing, skidmarks? Into the mines you go. You boys remember how to march don't you?


This concludes this week's edition of The Opening Monologue. I'd like to take this opportunity to wish you all the best for Christmas. I'd like to but I don't what you're getting me.

Just kidding.

See you next week and remember, you haven't heard it all till you've heard The Last Say On Sunday.

Goodbye.

Posted by vittorio at 02:12 AM | Comments (0)

December 28, 2009

The Opening Monologue - 28/12/2009

The Opening Monologue - Monday the 28th of December 2009
Written by Vittorio Leonardi.

Good evening.

Christmas has come and gone. Some got what they wanted and others... not so much.

Nowhere is this clearer than in the continuing saga of Shabir Shaik. On Monday the 21st he was heard to bellow, "Where's my f***ing pardon?" in reference to the possibility of a presidential pardon that he feels entitled to for staying mum during the Zuma corruption case.

After Afriforum lodged an official complaint with the department of Correctional Services, Shaik received a stern warning (OOOOH, AAAAH), told that if he didn't play along he'd go back to jail and had his allotted free time shortened from six hours to two hours a day. Some would say that this is a mere slap on the wrist and less than he deserves. However the simple truth is that of the three parties involved in the arms deal scandal, two were never prosecuted. Thint - a French arms company - has access to guns and is overseas so no one's starting a fight there; and Jacob Zuma - head of the ANC and our president - controls the system keeping Shaik in jail.

I can't imagine why Shabir hasn't been pardoned. Class, can we say patsy?

Union "Solidarity" has cried foul of First National Bank's new bursary scheme for their employees. The scheme offers employees financial aid if they earn R100 000 or less per annum. The catch? You can't be white. Well done gentlemen. It seems that the credit crunch hit IQ's as well as bank balances this year. It seems that FNB is in need of a new slogan.

"How can we help... Oh, I'm sorry, you're white. We won't help you. Have you tried ABSA?"


Gareth Cliff should be banned from the airwaves permanently. This was the gist of the statement issued by the ANC Youth Leagues' Mamelodi branch on Tuesday. They feel Cliff's tweets about now deceased former health minister Manto Tshabalala-Msimang were unwarranted. They are now lobbying for the support of his dismissal and of a possible protest march against the DJ.

Not surprisingly, at Manto's funeral, nothing was mentioned of her legacy as health minister and her handling of the AIDS virus. As usual, no one spoke ill of the dead. However, Theunis Botha, leader of the Christian Democratic Party and acting chairman of the Christian Democratic Alliance, summed it up rather nicely:

Hundreds of thousands of people died as a result of her "callous disregard for modern scientific fact", he said in a statement.

"It does appear that hypocrisy is the accepted norm when someone has passed on. History however is not so kind when judging the legacies of those who are no longer around."

Mr, Botha, I guess Led Zeppelin was right. The song remains the same.


Traffic cops for the Nelson Mandela Bay Metro decided to gift themselves and motorists by not showing up for work over the festive season. No reasons were given and the department is still investigating. Gentleman, to you and your families, the people of your jurisdiction would like to say thank you and wish you long life and a very Merry Christmas. However they don't think you'll be having a happy new year because unemployment can put a damper on things.


Staying with holiday silliness, about 588 drivers were arrested for traffic offences including drunken driving and speeding during the festive season in Johannesburg. Well done folks, well done, enjoy your traffic fines. And if you leave them for long enough, they do indeed become the gifts that keep on giving. In one instance, a BMW driver (why am I not surprised?) was clocked doing 198km/h. I bet I know what his excuse was too.

"I don't know what happened officer. I was just cleaning my car when it suddenly went off."


If you ever wanted to know what... special looks like, you might want to look up local snakeman "Nutty Natie" Swart. He's currently trying to break a Guinness World Record for living with 40 venomous snakes at the Chameleon Village Reptile and Conservation Park at Hartbeespoort Dam.
That's right. Someone is willingly living with snakes, the poisonous kind, on purpose. Methinks alcohol may have been involved in this choice of career. Three months ago he was removed from the enclosure for treatment after being bitten by a puff adder named Delilah. Clearly he didn't get the message the first time round because it's happened again, with another puff adder, on the same foot!! On the incident, Swart said:

"Since that freak accident with the puff adder, Delilah, I have been watching the puff adders carefully. (Not carefully enough apparently.)
So, as I got off the bed, checking where the puff adders were, I did not realise that Beauty (Beauty?) had slithered underneath the bed. I stepped right on the poor thing's back," he said.

Poor thing, yeeees. The silly man stepped on you, yeeees. You didn't bite him, noooo. You were just cleaning your fangs when they suddenly went off.


And finally, The Mail & Guardian has released its S.A. Cabinet report card for 2009 and our parliamentarians have scored a roaring C. Despite having two A's and B grade here and there, the overall outlook for this year was average. Well done folks. Now if you can just knuckle down and try harder, you too can experience the feeling of being more than average.

BOO!! HISS!!

You'll get more money.

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAY! CHEER!!

That's the spirit.


This concludes this week's edition of The Opening Monologue. I hope New Years Eve is a jail free one and may you wake up with your pants up on a street near your house. See you next week and remember, you haven't heard it all till you've heard The Last Say On Sunday.

Goodbye.

Posted by vittorio at 06:52 PM | Comments (0)

January 05, 2010

The Opening Monologue - 04/01/2010

The Opening Monologue - Monday the 28th of December 2009
Written by Vittorio Leonardi.

Good evening.

The New Year is upon us and from the get go it's been a fun start. From former masters of apartheid era atrocities to paranoid tourists, we have them all so hurry, hurry, hurry folks! Come on down!! The freak show is about to begin. Let's see what's behind curtain number one!

On Sunday it was reported that President Zuma may be considering a pardon for former Vlakplaas commander Eugene De Kok. Yes indeed, the man that washed Frank Chikane's feet, the man that was a head of a hit squad base wants to be pardoned. These details were apparently discussed at a secret meeting at Pretoria Central Prison between De Kok and Zuma in April of last year. To sweeten the deal, De Kok gave Zuma the names of those apartheid hitmen that got away "scot-free". He had also said that if pardoned, he would help in any future investigations into Apartheid-Era crimes including the locating of the many missing dead.
Now, the only difficulties he may face are that many will want to know why he withheld this information for so long. What with him wanting to be forgiven and all. Also, since the President just got married... again, he may have to wait till the honeymoon is over. So at least for now he and his cell mate can still be "just friends".

Civil rights group Afriforum have stated it is all important that parents enrol their children in schools where they can be taught in their mother tongue. Studies show that learners do better when doing so. A crafty move I say since those same students will not be able to leave S.A. with their knowledge and skills to work abroad since they'll have difficulty doing the job in the global language of business - English. Nice work lads, let's keep those skills at home.


The SABC board says it will challenge the appointment of former Telkom Media chief content officer Solly Mokoetle as its group C.E.O. according to an anonymous board member. Their main point of annoyance is that they were not allowed to choose a C.E.O. themselves.

"This means that we won't be able to appoint our own CEO, as boards usually do... Their appointment was very unfortunate and a flagrant disregard of due process," the anonymous board member said.

No offence lads but the last time we let YOU choose a C.E.O., Dali Mpofu walked off with R11 million of our money. You've officially lost your privileges till further notice. Sorry.


The strike warm-up season is in full swing with strike action against A.B.I. and Sun International continuing. On Friday, Numsa (The National Union of Mineworkers of South Africa) complained about the calling in of Police air support by A.B.I. officials, air support that the police officers knew nothing about. Gents, this isn't a run into Mogadishu, it's a wage negotiation. I know some strikers got out of hand - as almost always happens - but really, was the big, noisy whirligig necessary? Methinks you should learn that you're not going to get your way on this one, now have a Coke and a smile.

Also Sun International employees continue to strike for better wages, living conditions and the dismissal of their boss, C.E.O. David Coutts-Trotter. After making light of union leaders by showing up empty handed and then going on holiday during the wage deadlock, the man hasn't enamoured himself to his employees. Whatever happens, Dave needs to remember that Sun City is the chosen home of FIFA for the world cup. What could possibly go wrong if your employees are unhappy? I can't imagine. Let's find out.


Ever thought that you just don't matter to your doctor and that he doesn't really care about you? Well one patient in the Eastern Cape may know how that feels. The decomposing body of a 60-year-old man was found at St Elizabeth Regional Hospital in Lusikisiki after he had been missing for five days. He was checked in on December 24th, was seen by a nurse and a doctor and then simply disappeared. Authorities found him five days later, dead, locked in his doctor's consulting room. He was found with bread and the key to the room.
An investigation has since been launched. I have to ask, who's his doctor, Jigsaw? Or was he you simply auditioning for SAW VII?


The police were getting off the year to a flying start with two operations across Gauteng. In Ennerdale, 51 people were arrested on the long weekend for crimes ranging from drinking in public to housebreaking and assault with the intent to do grievous bodily harm. Not to be outdone, a police operation in Katlehong netted 129 people for charges including drinking in public, theft, rape and murder.

Now folks, there's a message here, if you don't play well with others, you will eventually be sent to a place where large, hairy people will not play nice with you. But don't you worry, I'm taking up a collection and we'll be sending you a consignment of lotion very soon.


And finally... With the world cup just around the corner, The Department of Tourism has made an appeal to accommodation vendors to not overcharge tourists. Apparently no one knows what the vendors' responses were. Their laughter drowned them out.

Sticking with the world cup, Saturday saw the release of the UK's tourism advice to soccer fans visiting during 2010. It's loaded with tons of information on what to look out for like from armed muggings, card cloning and fake soccer tickets to the prevalent HIV/Aids pandemic, cholera flare-ups, and inflated accommodation prices. One piece of advice given is for tourists to avoid Berea and Hillbrow. Darn! I was so looking forward to hooligans trying their luck in an area that won't take their crap.


This concludes this week's edition of The Opening Monologue. I wish you a happy new year and if you're heading back to work, please remember, it's only the start of the year so don't kill anyone. See you next week and remember, you haven't heard it all till you've heard The Last Say On Sunday.

Goodbye.

Posted by vittorio at 02:01 AM | Comments (0)

January 12, 2010

The Opening Monologue - 11/01/2010

The Opening Monologue - Monday the 11th of January 2010
Written by Vittorio Leonardi.

Good evening.

This past week certainly started off with a bang. Our president took another a wife and many starry-eyed Grade 12s' discovered if the fates were rolling the dice in their favour. With that and a few other stories found along the way, let's begin.


President Zuma's wedding to his fifth wife on the 4th garnered its fair share of criticism.

If I may throw in my 2 cents here...
.
How can we as a society fighting the AIDS virus promote a lifestyle encouraging one sexual partner when our president is taking his fifth wife with another waiting in the wings?

A loud voice of derision came from the head of the Christian Democratic Party, Reverend Theunis Botha, describing Zuma's traditional African wedding as a "giant step back into the dark ages."

Another point raised is that this wedding will have dire financial implications for tax payers. However, I wonder if anyone has considered the other side of the coin. If this marriage doesn't work out, it could mean dire financial implications for Jacob. Ah yes, there's that silver lining. How do you say pre-nuptial agreement in Zulu?


Government's road death stats are wrong. This was gist of the statement from managing director of driving.co.za, Rob Handfield-Jones. He claims that the statistics the Department of Transport are using are contradictory. They claim the December 2008 death toll was 1348, when it was actually 908. The death toll for December 2009 is 1050. A 16% increase. Ouch.

If he is right then 142 more people died on our roads compared to last year. This is despite the fact that 285 000 speeding tickets were issued. Two fines that stood out were late to the party, being caught on the 5th of January. Their fines were R20 000 and R16 000 respectively.

"Speed control has once again been shown to be ineffective at reducing road deaths." He added, "Across the world, people only drive as badly as their governments permit them to."

True. Perhaps it's time for hallucinogenic tranquilizers to replace speeding tickets? After all, you can't speed when you're watching your road turn into a lion and scamper away.
One thing is clearly evident: More people died though fewer went on holiday. Proving that speed doesn't kill, but it helps.


Our airports will not be equipped with full body scanners in the near future. This was despite the stricter security checks requested by the U.S. after a Nigerian man attempted to detonate explosives on a flight to Detroit on December 25th. He was over-powered by passengers before he could do so thus proving that you don't mess with people during the Christmas rush.

So far, no order has been issued by the SA Civil Aviation Authority regarding the stepping up passenger screening. Some would say this is unwise since the world cup is 5 months away and we are still regarded as a gateway country for terrorists. In the meantime, security stays as is, no scanners.

So for now at least, all heavily pierced people will still have to bring their own extraction tools if they intend to fly. Fun times ahead for you. You usually have to pay for that kind of action.


The KZN Health department has banned nurses and doctors from moonlighting. They say that the practice is being abused. Health workers unions have rejected this stating that their members receive such a poor living wage that they have been forced to find a way to supplement their income.

The current policy states that workers can't moonlight during department hours, only on their own time. However, according to the department, there have been instances of abuse thus the departments ban while they review the system.

Isn't that convenient for them.

Unions retorted saying the department has dropped the ball and should have investigated the individual incidents rather than simply blanket-banning the issue.
Add to this that some senior doctors receive less under the government's new salary structure than the old system and you can see why Dr Akhtar Hussain of the national council of the SA Medical Association says that many doctors work after hours because "they earn peanuts."

If all this keeps up we'll have some highly skilled beggars manning the traffic lights of KZN. At least help will be on hand if there's an accident. For a price.


The matric results for 2009 came out on Thursday. A shocker of a year as 18 schools posted a zero percent pass rate. President Zuma dropped his own depth charge stating that township schools could learn from the "old white schools" where teachers work for 7 hours a day while township schools teach for 3 hours.
But in the end it was the learners' day. Tears were shed, cheers were screamed and there were smiles of joy for some and sighs of relief for others. There was also tragedy as one girl took her own life upon hearing she had failed. Sadly, had she waited a few more hours, comprehensive results would have shown she qualified for the re-writes she needed to pass the year.

Adding to this was the debacle of leaked papers - 5 of them - in Mpumalanga and the holding back of the provinces results while investigations continued left 60 000 learners twisting in the wind. Even The Hawks were brought in to investigate in the hopes of adding more culprits to the 13 already caught. Also, Wednesday it was discovered that the matric math marks were pushed up. It was also discovered that our Basic Education Minister Angie Motshekga has can't do basic math when she announced on Thursday that 32% of matrics qualified for higher education, although the matric pass rate fell from 62.5% in 2008 to 60.7% in 2009. The department later acknowledged that the correct figure of those who qualified for higher education was in fact 19.8%. The standard DA rain of fire and brimstone followed.

DA shadow minister for basic education Juanita Kloppers-Lourens stated:

"It beggars belief that the department of basic education could not even do the basic arithmetic needed to calculate the matric exemption rate,"

"Cabinet ministers in other countries have been sacked for far less. It is frankly staggering that the minister has spent the last 48 hours blaming everyone but the ANC administration for another year of disgraceful matric results, when evidence abounds of the basic education department's utter incompetence in the performance of even routine tasks," she said.

With all this going on, the strangest part of the tale came when the SA National Defence Force announced that 4463 post matriculants would be joining the military. On purpose.

I guess they fell for that old Army ad campaign.

"Join the Army and visit strange exotic places. Meet new and interesting people... And kill them!!"

Now if only we had an enemy to fight... Hmm... Lesotho? How about round 2?


And finally... Children are wonderful and can bring great joy to your life. However, as a dagga dealing couple recently learned, never let your child know where you've hidden your stash.

After receiving an anonymous tip about drugs being dealt to Nellmapius township children, police came-a-raiding. The couple, naturally, refused to give any information. Their 4 year-old daughter, thinking mom and dad were being forgetful, led police to the drugs hidden in a cupboard and in her dad's boots. She also told them that a large number of bags of electric spinach had just been taken away from the house.

There's a moral to this story: If they'd spent a bit time with their daughter and a lot less time dealing, perhaps they'd still be free. There's no substitute for quality time. And a Malibu Barbie.


This concludes this week's edition of The Opening Monologue. See you next week and remember, you haven't heard it all till you've heard The Last Say On Sunday.

Goodbye.

Posted by vittorio at 04:26 AM | Comments (0)

January 19, 2010

The Opening Monologue - 19/01/2010

The Opening Monologue - Tuesday the 19th of January 2010
Written by Vittorio Leonardi.

Good evening.


Congratulations are in order. We've all made it to week three of what has already been a year of good ideas, bad ideas and ideas that would leave even the most cynical person saying, "Oi vey, you must be joking."

So let's get started.


Caster Semenya can't compete till the IAAF and Sascoc say so. It would seem that the International Association of Athletics Federations still isn't done determining whether or not Caster can run for South Africa on the global stage.
So... Just so we're clear on this, its six months later and they're still trying to fix this. Is Home Affairs helping you or did you think Santa was going to leave you the answer in a stocking.
Gentlemen, this can't be so hard. Caster still has her medal and her record still stands so this would seem to be a moot point
And where is Athletics South Africa, the ASA? These are the guys to whom discretion and decency seem to be dirty words. They're out of the picture, been replaced by Sascoc - The SA Sports Confederation and Olympic Committee - and have distance themselves from the whole affair.
Thus proving that you can teach an old dog new tricks. As long as you fire the old dog's entire board first and play fetch with a new guy with a new shtick.

Zwelinzima Vavi, Cosatu's general secretary, gets my vote for dumb idea of the past week. Showing solidarity with striking ABI workers, he stated that if their demands are not met, he called on ALL South Africans to boycott all SAB products...

No, no, it's okay. I'll wait till you stop laughing. I needed a moment myself.

I can understand Vavi saying what he said. It probably doesn't affect him. Those at the top tend to drink Johnny Walker Black now don't they?


It seems the SABC board can't do math. At the start of the furore, the SABC was R900-million in debt. Then it announced that it had a secured a loan of R1-billion from Nedbank to add to the R1,4-billion guarantee it got from government last year. Now they've announced that they plan on showing a R21-million profit by March.

How? They'll still be R2-billion in the red. Officially, Nedbank and government now own the SABC. So, get ready for really early election ads and a whole lot more Nedbank ads. However, no longer will they say, "A bank isn't a bank isn't a bank."

No sir. Now they're public broadcaster too.


Ied Mahmet - the man that shot Pope John Paul II - is to be released sometime this coming week. He has said that he will answer all the press' burning questions in the weeks that follow especially the big one:

"Why did you shoot The Pope?"

Some fundamentalists also want to ask, "Why are you such a bad shot? Did the voices in your head teach you nothing?"

Some might question why they would release him. Three reasons have been put forward:
1. Pope John Paul II met and forgave him in 1983.
2. His sentences are up.
3. With Pope John Paul II already dead, it's unlikely he'll re-offend.


The hearings into Eskom's proposed 35% tariff hike over three years have been a truly unifying experience for all South Africans. Everyone, from every corner of the social and political landscape thinks that this is the worst idea since the Blitzkrieg. Eskom seemed surprised at this saying that it was better for South Africans to swallow this bitter pill now rather than later.
With 105% tariff increase, I don't think it's a pill we'll be swallowing. Whatever happens, it'll involve South Africans bent over a table with Eskom standing somewhere behind us.


This concludes this week's edition of The Opening Monologue. See you next week and remember, you haven't heard it all till you've heard The Last Say On Sunday.

Goodbye.

Posted by vittorio at 01:49 PM | Comments (0)

January 26, 2010

The Opening Monologue - 26/01/2010

The Opening Monologue - Tuesday the 26th of January 2010
Written by Vittorio Leonardi.

Good evening.

Another week went by and, once again, Mother Insanity was kind enough to let her gerbils of doom run free. And with so many to choose from, I thought I'd start with a voice few have heard in an age.


The P.A.C. has spoken for the first time since... Well, if you want to think back that far you might to nap a while. However, they have been making up for lost time and came out swinging. But not in a gay way. Oh no sir. It would seem that the P.A.C. and its crèche, The Pan Africanist Youth Congress of Azania or Payco - no relation to Paypal - have decided to fire up some support on the anti-gay ticket by calling for the abolishment of homosexual practices.

In a statement released last Monday, they said SABC 1's soapie 'Generations' has "declared war with African cultures and practices" and that "Africa is not the home of gays and lesbians."

The clincher came on Wednesday when league president, Pitso Mphasha, said in an interview that "We are saying to hell with the SA constitution for giving rights to gays and lesbians."

One question: What hairdresser flamed this guy's do and forgot to apologise?

To those of you still in the closet, brace yourself. It seems Narnia's about to be invaded.

Twitter has done many things.

Besides revealing just how dull some folks' lives are, it seems to have joined in the fight against terrorism.

Here's the deal: Be careful what you post for you are being watched.

This was recently proven when Paul Chambers was arrested and detained for seven hours as a suspected terrorist over a joke he made about blowing up an airport. What follows is why he is a royal Charlie.

He tweeted the following after it seemed his planned trip to Ireland, departing from Doncaster's Robin Hood Airport, would be snowed in.

"C**p! Robin Hood Airport is closed. You've got a week and a bit to get your s**t together, otherwise I'm blowing the airport sky high!!"

Here's my favourite part. When the police came to arrest him, he had to explain to them what Twitter was because THEY'D NEVER HEARD OF IT! Now there's police training in action.

And after they keel-hauled him and let him loose, the authorities sang their customary "It is the world we live in and that's why this is happening to you" song. I've heard this song before although the last time I heard it, it was being sung in German from a Nuremberg balcony.

I don't think alQaeda ever envisioned spreading a tweet of terror.


Avatar has claimed its first victim.

A Taiwanese man with a history of high blood pressure was admitted to hospital after suffering a stroke while watching the James Cameron blockbuster in 3D. He later died of a brain haemorrhage.

I guess we'll never know if he died because he was over-excited at the sheer spectacle of seeing what can easily be described as Mr Cameron's opus or if he was enraged at the realization that he was watching a graphically stunning and beautifully presented re-telling of Disney's Pocahontas.


Staying with blood work for a moment, the SA Blood Service is seeing red and not from their stock in trade. It seems our state hospitals owe the life giving organization some currency to the tune of R170 million.

Taking the lead is Chris Hani Baragwanath Hospital owing the paltry sum of a mere R15 million.

I guess Suzanne Vega was right. Blood makes noise and that noise is CHA-CHING!


The WWF has come to the Eskom price hike party and not with a steel chair and intro music either. The South African branch of World Wide Fund for Nature has questioned the integrity of the public hearings into Eskom's proposed price hike.

How does one question something that isn't there begin with?

Their case is that on December the 31st of last year, the Government Gazette contained a decree that the Kusile power plant - which is part of what we'll be financing if Eskom gets its way - will be completed as per the original spec. If that's true, the price tariff hike will be 45% and not 35% as previously advertised.

Which begs the question: "If government has already made up its mind, then why the hearings?"

That's easy. Till now politicians thought no one read the Government Gazette. Also, when politicians pay us lip service, they hope we can't read between the lips to see the teeth about to bite us in the ass.


And finally. On Wednesday the 13th, a young boy returning from his first day of school got lost after boarding the wrong bus. Two days later, his grandmother reported him missing. The 6 year old boy, Knowledge Tshabalala, was eventually found in Lenasia at a place of safety and on Monday the 18th, was re-united with his grandmother.

Thus proving that there is a difference between knowledge and wisdom. Knowledge is knowing that you have a home. Wisdom is knowing how to get there.


This concludes this week's edition of The Opening Monologue. See you next week and remember, you haven't heard it all till you've heard The Last Say On Sunday.

Goodbye.

Posted by vittorio at 02:37 AM | Comments (0)

February 02, 2010

The Opening Monologue - 02/02/2010

The Opening Monologue - Tuesday the 2nd of February 2010
Written by Vittorio Leonardi.

Good evening.


Ten US aid workers from a Southern Baptist Church in Idaho were caught trying to smuggling 33 Haitian orphans out of the disaster stricken land on Sunday. The problem was that they had no official papers to move the kids. Also, some of the "orphans" weren't orphans.

Now it was quite alright to want to emulate Madonna and Angelina Jolie and want to wander off with a foreign child. However, one has to go through the proper channels. Besides, what excuse were they going to give once caught?

"We saw them in the rubble and we just had to have them."

Meanwhile, the US has said that no more food aid will be flown into the flattened country till they find out who is footing the bill. And you can see their point. Just because Haiti had an earthquake or 20 it doesn't mean they've forgotten how to work their chequebook. Besides, all that rattling should have at least shaken some change loose.

Winnie Madikizela-Mandela isn't happy about the possible pardon and release of former Vlakplaas head Eugene De Kok.

She stated, "What about the victims? I know some of the mothers of the children who were killed by him. They haven't been asked [if he should be released]."

True but one can then ask if Winnie ever asked the family of Stompie Moeketsi if it was okay for her to simply pay a fine rather than serve the six year prison sentence she received for complicity in his death.


Deputy President Kgalema Motlanthe has criticised Julius Malema over his visiting of schools in Gauteng and the North West Province. And before you ask, no, he wasn't looking to redo Woodwork.

Motlanthe said:

"We cannot call upon teachers and learners to be at school on time and then want to address them during school time, it cannot work that way,"

"That is an excuse of people who want to disrupt learning and we should not tolerate that. Principals, teachers and learners themselves should never accept that, it does not matter who it is."

Julius gave a considered, measured response.

"If the deputy president has a problem with the youth league he must raise it with us. He has unlimited access to the league. Until he does that, I don't see why I should respond to whatever he is saying, he is not the ANC."

A fair point. He's only the deputy president of the country and what does that count for in the end?


National Police Day came and went and surprisingly, there wasn't a crime wave. Well, no more than usual. What is National Police Day I hear you ask? In an attempt to boost morale, government chose 50 000 police officers from across the country and bussed them into Bloemfontein for a day of music, food and partying.
The DA had raised its voice in protest wanting to know what the cost of the event was and also of the sanity of pulling 50 000 police officers - 10 000 from Gauteng alone - off the streets in a country with our crime problem second only to a Haitian earthquake zone. Government responded saying that we should not focus on the cost of the event but on the good it can do for our officers to have one day off.

Easy to say when it isn't their money they're spending. But in the end, there was no crime spree. Here are two possible reasons for this:

1. 50 000 of the shadiest cops were bussed away for the day.

2. Criminals, feeling lonely without so many playmates decided to celebrate National Criminals Day in response.


And finally. Two US Navy ships - the USS Nicholas and the HSV-2 Swift - recently passed through our ports on their way to Somalia. Their mission is to deliver aid to the beleaguered nation. But what about the threat of pirates some may ask? Well, the HSV-2 Swift - HSV standing for High Speed Vehicle - has been clocked at speeds of up to 66 knots or 122 km/h. Well in excess of pirate boarding crafts. So it seems the US Navy have just turned piracy into a cartoon, the pirates playing Wile E. Coyote and the Swift as the roadrunner. Good luck lads. BEEP! BEEP!


This concludes this week's edition of The Opening Monologue. See you next week and remember, you haven't heard it all till you've heard The Last Say On Sunday.

Goodbye.

Posted by vittorio at 12:50 PM | Comments (0)

February 09, 2010

The Opening Monologue - 09/02/2010

The Opening Monologue - Tuesday the 9th of February 2010
Written by Vittorio Leonardi.

Good evening.


It was a week of new fathers and gunfire, the kind of week that makes you happy to be alive. It also reminded us of why sometimes it's better to be on this side of the barricades because you never know what might spray into the crowd. So let us begin at the beginning.


The saga of President Zuma's new baby seemed to have wrapped itself up all in the space of a week. All the outrage, name-calling and bickering was kept to the main week keeping the masses amused, the newsmen employed, the papers printing and still leaving time for the weekend.
Like a well-oiled machine the incoherent - led by Julius Malema - were the first to have a go as the rumour mill began churning. Then the traditional outbreak of presidential muteness followed. The media, evil fiends that they are, printed what they felt was necessary and true. Conveniently, this ploy cured the presidency of its muteness.
The presidency then took up the incoherency baton and ran with it. What followed was the usual tirade of "Oh no he didn't!" from all sides of the political spectrum. In the end it was all resolved. The president did what was culturally necessary to appease the family of his new lady in waiting; the media voiced it's outraged at statements made by our leading boss fella and the rest of us carried on fighting morning traffic.

After this song and dance, what lesson did we learn? Even though our president might be trying to break Tiger Woods' record, it seems most people couldn't care less.

Ain't politics grand?

Moving on. It's the first quarter of the year and striking season is in full swing in the land of higher education. Protesting students at Tshwane University of Technology (TUT) went down 1-0 to police and security personnel. The Pan Africanist Student Movement of Azania (Pasma) sang outside the wall; their leader attempted to climb it to speak to the masses as his backing vocals warbled on but lo, security did try to unseat the king of the hill and it all came tumbling down. Proving that you can try to scale the walls of education but beware the caning that follows.

Not to be outdone, the academic department of The University of Cape Town (UCT) is poised to strike over wage disputes and a lack of decent salary increases. Clearly somebody's annoyed they didn't get tenure.


Robben Island and Operation Rabbit Cull is in full swing. Its Wabbit Season and a small detachment of Elmer Fudds are sweeping the island by night in an attempt to irradiate 25 000 bunnies from the historic landmark. But fear not, the best meat will be sold to restaurants around Cape Town with the remainder going to the under privileged.

Yum yum, Culled With Care in The Cape.


Staying with The Mother City, a group of sangomas plan to slaughter a bull on Thibault Square during the opening ceremony of a festival called "Infecting The City". It is aimed at drawing people to the CBD. The sacrifice is part of its "Human rite" theme, showcasing a host of traditional ceremonies in the city centre. And as we all know, nothing draws you nearer and gives you the warm and fuzzies like a re-enactment of the village scene from Apocalypse Now!


Staying with great films, its Oscar season and two S.A. films are up for a total of six awards. Invictus - the story of the 1995 Rugby World Cup and District 9 - a tale of aliens living in a Johannesburg township. This is truly a momentous occasion and something that we can all be proud of. However, one has to wonder what sort of message about SA these films send. What can tourists arriving for the world cup learn about South Africa from these films? Well, apparently, we love rugby, freeing anti-Apartheid struggle leaders and xenophobia.

The question must then be raised: Is that Ayoba?


And finally, in the wake of National Police Day - when 50 000 police officers were given the day off to party at a special celebration in Bloemfontein - one Police reservist did not have the best day. Last Tuesday it was reported in Beeld that Sergeant Johnny de Jager and his girlfriend Karen Victor called 10111 four times on that Friday night after surviving an attempted house robbery in his flat. The police never showed up. De Jager, who was shot three times, repeatedly told his story to operators at the call centre and never got the necessary back-up.

However, after an investigation, it was discovered that De Jager never called 10111. His girlfriend had dialled 911 instead. This got her through to the Cell C emergency centre that dispatched an ambulance but not the police.

The moral of this story:

1. Make sure your partner knows at all times what country they're in.

2. Determine how they'll react under pressure before a situation arises.

3. When dating someone, find out how big a fan they are of the series' and works of William Shatner.


This concludes this week's edition of The Opening Monologue. See you next week and remember, you haven't heard it all till you've heard The Last Say On Sunday.

Goodbye.

Posted by vittorio at 12:45 PM | Comments (0)

February 16, 2010

The Opening Monologue - 16/02/2010

The Opening Monologue - Tuesday the 16th of February 2010
Written by Vittorio Leonardi.

Good evening.

The week that was gave us time to reflect: On past joys, on love and the right to speak out, even when we make absolutely no sense. Some events were truly wonderful and gave us the hope of looking to a future with some joy in it, while others reminded us of why we must sometimes cover our ears and shout "Lalala! I am not listening!! Lalalala!!!"

So, let's get started with a few of those.


To say that President Zuma's State of The Nation address was met with criticism would be like saying the credit crunch was a minor flutter on the economic radar. Everyone had something to say about it, most of it bad, and the address was slowly razed to the ground.

Here are a few of the glancing blows:

Zwelinzima Vavi, secretary-general of Cosatu: "Overall (on) the issue of jobs, poverty and inequalities, I'm quite disappointed."

Nic Borain, independent political analyst: "I was quite surprised with the claim of job creation ... it just doesn't work with me. It sounds like a massaging of figures."

Shadrack Gutto, University of South Africa law professor: "It was not inspiring. It was more of a regurgitation of policies,"

But the headshot came from Payco - The Pan Africanist Youth Congress of Azania - when they stated that President Zuma must resign as head of state with immediate effect because he continues to embarrass South Africa.

Ironically, this statement comes from the same group that said the SABC 1 soapie Generations had "declared war with African cultures and practices" and that "Africa is not the home of gays and lesbians."

Proof positive that they know what they're talking about. Clearly they're experts on what it takes to embarrass themselves and the nation.

Meanwhile, elsewhere in the country. Cosatu has just realised that the 2010 Football World Cup will be a merchandising boon... for China. It seems that the manufacturing of most of the events merchandise including the World Cup mascot Zakumi is being outsourced to China.

Cosatu has insisted that: "Every sweater for the world cup must be made here."

However, the contract for making Zakumi was awarded to a KZN-based company that later outsourced it to China.

Methinks Cosatu has forgotten where they get their apparel from. The next time they give out free shirts at a rally, check the tag. Chances are you'll see the words: Made in China.


Elsewhere on the protest front, shots rang out last Monday as the police fired on a protest staged by... fellow officers. Police reservists were protesting no pay and a lack of promotions among its ranks. But never fear, the situation was calmed by the arrival of Winnie Madikizela-Mandela.

What?

Yes indeed. Winnie's presence quietened the tense atmosphere. Then she ruined all that good work by speaking. She said that it was tragic that the protest had to take place just days before the ANC celebrated its 98th anniversary and the commemoration of Nelson Mandela's release from prison.

She has a point; these men should've chosen another week to get shot. I guess timing is everything.


Staying with good timing. Thursday the 11th of February marked the 20th anniversary of the release of Nelson Mandela from prison; a truly momentous occasion in our history and the birth of Madiba Magic.

Unfortunately, Julius Malema decided he'd work his own brand of Malema magic by opening his great big pudding muncher. At celebrations marking Madiba's release he stated that former president FW De Klerk - who won the Nobel Peace Prize with Mandela - should not be celebrated.

"De Klerk never released Mandela - De Klerk must never be celebrated. De Klerk is a product of apartheid."

"De Klerk sponsored black-on-black violence. De Klerk sponsored the IFP to kill our people in KwaZulu-Natal."

Oi.

*Covers ears with hands*

"Lalala! I am not listening!! Lalalala!!!"


And finally; Valentine's Day came and went, like so many premature lovers. Florists had a boon in sales as did chocalatiers and lingerie salesmen and hospitals worldwide began preparations for the avalanche of whoopsie pregnancies that will be arriving in November this year.

Sadly though it wasn't all hearts and kisses. Two members of a Potchefstroom Apostolic Church drowned in a botched baptism at Durban's North Beach on Sunday morning. They were wading out into the shallows when a strong rip current pulled them out. The problem? They couldn't swim.

The moral: All you need is love. And a life-jacket.


This concludes this week's edition of The Opening Monologue. See you next week and remember, you haven't heard it all till you've heard The Last Say On Sunday.

Goodbye.

Posted by vittorio at 04:01 PM | Comments (0)

February 23, 2010

The Opening Monologue - 23/02/2010

The Opening Monologue - Tuesday the 23rd of February 2010
Written by Vittorio Leonardi.

Good evening.

It is truly an amazing thing to watch the political machine's gears grind away. The week began with a barrage of criticism, a veritable carpet-bombing of disapproval burying President Zuma after what many would describe as his Challengeresque State of The Nation address. Politicians fried him with all sorts of spicy zingers and barbed quips. They stopped short of saying "You're ugly and your wives dress you funny!"

But then something strange happened.

Something we should've seen coming.

Look! Up in the sky! Is it a tender? Is it a debacle? No! It's Designated Distraction Man!! Yes, Designated Distraction Man who swoops in to save the ruling party whenever the water gets too hot for them. Disguised as mad-mannered politician Julius Malema, Designated Distraction Man continues his never-ending quest to draw attention away from important issues and focus us securely on the rantings of the incoherent.

It began with the post-State of The Nation address roasting of our president.

Julius Malema is a "jewel" and other parties are jealous they don't have Malema as a member of their youth leagues. Deputy Police Minister Fikile Mbalula told MPs this last Monday apparently trying to lighten the mood after the lambasting of the president. The main show had been spectacular. Great one-liners included the DA's Mike Ellis and Athol Trollip thought bombs:

"The ANC have made no attempt to defend you today. They have abandoned you in this debate."

Oooooooh!

"Your first year in office has hardly been stellar and your call for 2010 to be a year of action really rings hollow in our ears,"

Aaaaaaah!

However, the finishing blow came with this howler from African Christian Democratic Party leader Kenneth Meshoe:

"As you know, honourable president, the ACDP objected to the opening of Parliament at night, something that is not done in any democratic country in the world.

"I nevertheless believe that what happened on Thursday night was prophetic. The sun is setting on you and the ANC."

Daaaaamn!

Unconfirmed reports say that the president responded by saying: "Huh? Oh I'm sorry. All I heard was blah, blah, blah, no one voted for you, Kenneth and R.E.M. isn't singing about you either."


And just when things looked to be at their most dire, JZ impressed us all by flexing his presidential muscle... and arresting a jogger. In a move that has made Robert Mugabe say "He's stealing my act!" the Presidential VIP Protection Nazis decided to have a snatch and grab drill while steaming through the Western Cape.

The story goes that Chumani Maxwele - a UCT student and active member of the ANC - was waiting for the presidential cavalcade to pass when disaster struck. He lost control of his thoughts, his senses and finally his arms and allegedly "waved" the procession on.

This was his lucky day because just then, a black BMW pulled up, grabbed Maxwele, put a bag over his head and offered him a free tour of the presidential residence. How could he refuse? And why did they put a bag over his head? Well, the car's interior was in a mess and the VIP Protection unit didn't want to embarrass themselves any further.

After re-arranging his apartment and giving him a 24 hour marathon session of Trivial Pursuit: Gestapo Edition, Chumani was released.

As a parting gift we all learned a valuable lesson: Don't wave at the presidential pitbulls!


After this incident, DA leader Helen Zille decided to issue a Blue-Light-Ban in the Western Cape saying that no government motorcades of any kind can use their blue lights and sirens unless its a true emergency. However, red lights are still okay. Greenpoint's streetwalkers and all girls named Roxanne can therefore breathe a sigh of relief.

And just when it looked like the president might put another foot wrong, in stepped Designated Distraction Man!


Julius Malema got caught in The Tender Trap!! A report in the Sunday Times claimed that Julius Malema was making money. Lots of it. Great big heaps of it. The problem is that he's making money out of companies he says he's resigned from. And yet the cash continues to flow in. Clearly they didn't get the email his lawyers apparently sent but can find no record of. It seems that having a famous face does pay for itself.

To befuddle the media, Julius called a press conference where he was doing well till his Tourettes started acting up. He accused the press of accepting "brown envelopes", sleeping with people and drinking with politicians to get information.

"We know who receives brown envelopes where, who sleeps with who where, who drinks with who until seven in the morning revealing everything," he said.

He closed his act with his usual line when backed into a corner - Designated Distraction Man's secret weapon: The Race Card!

"This car I own is nothing compared to the cars of white kids, sports cars they play with in Sandton every Sunday. If you want to see people who are playing with money, go to Sandton.

"There's no corruption because they are white, if they are to be driven by any African child all of them will be investigated, all of them would be front pages.

"You don't want a black diamond to shine... you'll never succeed with us."

And lo, with that, focus is off the president once more. Thank you Designated Distraction Man.

As a side note, Julius Malema was one of the most vocal to oppose a call by Cosatu general secretary Zwelinzima Vavi wanting politicians' lifestyles to be audited to expose their stacks of lovely lolly.

Coincidence much?


One comment that was commendable this past week was made by Police Minister Nathi Mthethwa. Speaking to councilors in Khayalitsha outside Cape Town he warned them to keep politics out of the war on crime:

"I don't care if the problems are with the ANC or anyone else, I will not allow the police to get involved in politics. I don't give a damn about political disputes when children and grannies are being raped."

However one has to ask, if a politician then commits a crime, should they really be left alone?


This concludes this week's edition of The Opening Monologue. See you next week and remember, you haven't heard it all till you've heard The Last Say On Sunday.

Goodbye.

Posted by vittorio at 05:22 PM | Comments (0)

March 02, 2010

The Opening Monologue - 02/03/2010

The Opening Monologue - Tuesday the 2nd of March 2010
Written by Vittorio Leonardi.

Good evening.

If television is to be believed, in the criminal justice system, the people are represented by two separate yet equally important groups: The police, who investigate crime and the district attorneys who prosecute the offenders.

However, it helps if the paperwork is filled out right, the cops aren't on the take, the C.S.I. lab doesn't have a 6-year backlog and of course, it helps if the populace understands that bribing an officer to get out of a fine is a crime in and of itself therefore making it kind of hypocritical for those same people to whine about crime later on.

So let's begin.

Cezanne Visser A.K.A. Advocate Barbie, the one found guilty of 11 counts of indecent assault, has felt the full weight of the law this past week. That's right; she's been sentenced to... wait for it... a whopping 7 whole years in jail! Wow. Some might say that that's a bit lenient since most of the girls she fiddled were underage but I say nay, nay!
In our society, sexual assault is not as serious a crime as we thought. I mean, it's not like she did those things to get a tender here and there. And after all, she's a lawyer, one of the good guys. And as Jackie Selebi has proven; if there is a crime, a smiting we will go... eventually. So no harm no foul.


Staying with foul, Lolly Jackson was arrested at Rivonia Teazers over the weekend over a running spat he's having with a former customer, Michael Kalyminios. Kalyminios laid charges of blackmail, crimen injuria and intimidation against the strip club owner after walking off with some of Lolly's stock. Lolly, it seems, didn't take too kindly to this. Lolly said that she could go, provided that her contract was paid up first. It seems Michael Kalyminios fell in love with Teazers stripper Yuliyana Moshorovs'ka and since their names are both double word scores in Scrabble, they thought it was meant to be. However, this episode proves that, like with the cellular providers, until you pay off the contract you're still somebody's ho.


Speaking of ho's, Eskom have quietly been awarded their price hike. We will all be coughing up 25% - 10% less than asked for - a year more for electricity give or take a percentile. But don't fret. The shortfall will be made up by the massive tenders awarded by government to Hitachi through Eskom. Once the ANC takes its cut of course, let's not get stupid.


And stupid was the order of the day last Wednesday when it was announced that national police chief, Bheki "Six Gun" Cele, decided to lower the policing targets set for our boys and girls in blue. It seems that for the last few years the cops have been unable to meet their "Catching of Criminals" or CoC quota. So naturally the best plan was simply to lower the quota. However, "Six Gun" Cele and his posse will be allocated an extra R5.5 billion more this financial year.

The math makes sense. Depending on what side of the calculator you're on.

On the upside it means that with fewer criminals on the CoC quota, the police will save on all that expensive ammunition. And a good thing too since more than 60 firearms and about 50 000 rounds of ammo have gone missing and are presumed stolen from the Hazyview Riot unit in Mpumalanga. So now the question is: do we start with the catching of criminals or cops?

Who's got the biggest CoC now?


Further afield, it seems that some folks have neither respect for the dead nor a sense to plan ahead. Nearly eleven years after the infamous Columbine High School Shooting, Bruco Strongeagle Eastwood strolled up to two kids outside Deer Creek Middle School, asked them if they attended it and when they said yes, he shot them both. He was tackled and subdued by David Banke, the school track team coach. It was later learned that Eastwood had been hearing voices for a while. He answered them too. He had sought treatment but couldn't afford the pills.

There are two important lessons to be learned here:

1. Everyone that needs their meds should get them. Period. It's safer for the rest of us.

2. When a man holding a rifle walks up to you and asks you anything, the answer is ALWAYS NO!!


Fans of the W.W.E. (I know you're out there) will be relieved to know that The Undertaker A.K.A. Mark Calaway escaped with only minor burns and finished his match in St. Louis after a pyrotechnics mishap almost roasted him. Ironically the wrestler known as "Dead Man Walking" nearly became "Dead Man Cooking, Running, Screaming 'Put me out! Put me out!'" It's a good thing he's okay too. Think about it. If The Undertaker dies, who buries him?


And finally, we part ways with some more fireworks, this time from the battlefield. Last Tuesday, four Taliban militants were killed in northwest Pakistan when explosives they were planting around the house of a local anti-Taliban leader detonated accidentally.
The man they were targeting was however, not home. He had already moved out sometime before because of unrest in the area.

Thus bringing new meaning to the old rhyme

Kosher chicken, kosher chicken let us come in.
Not by the beard on my chinny - chin - chin!
Then we'll plant and we'll click and we'll - BOOOOOM!!!
Do ourselves in.


This concludes this week's edition of The Opening Monologue. See you next week and remember, you haven't heard it all till you've heard The Last Say On Sunday.

Goodbye.

Posted by vittorio at 05:49 PM | Comments (0)

March 09, 2010

The Opening Monologue - 09/03/2010

The Opening Monologue - Tuesday the 9th of March 2010
Written by Vittorio Leonardi.

Good evening.

The week that was, was a sterling illustration of the old saying "When the cat's away, the mice will play." However, it seemed as though while one cat left, several others showed up and jostled for position. Everyone, from the youth league to the church, was trying to be South Africa's next top honcho.

So let us begin at the beginning.

President Jacob Zuma arrived in the UK to all the pomp and ceremony accorded to a visiting dignitary. Some of the British press greeted our president with all the warmth usually accorded to the French. The right wing Daily Mail described our president with the line "a sex-obsessed bigot with four wives and 35 children. So why is Britain fawning over this vile buffoon?"

The ANC Youth League took the bait and wailed openly saying that it was a racist attack on JZ with spokesperson Floyd Shivambu stating that the British media believed the only acceptable values and principles in the world were British values of whiteness and subjugation of Africans.

He was unable to point out where in their statements this was said. We're sure it's there though. The youth league has no reason to lie. He also said nothing about recent racist statements from our own Minister Sicelo Shiceka where he issued a "declaration of war" against white South Africans.

Shivambu continued by saying that the British held and controlled strategic sectors of the South African economy, which made them believe they continued to control the country and its value system. Again he said nothing about how the ANC stood to earn a fortune off of Eskom's government backed deals with Hitachi.

It would seem that the British are not aware of our "Local is Lekker" rule where if the crime, corruption and bigotry are local, its lekker.


And then Religion came to play. Angus Buchan, an evangelist from Greytown led a group of 15000 at The Union Buildings on Saturday to pray for our president. Buchan stated that if Zuma were to use the Bible as a textbook, he wouldn't stumble or make mistakes.

So much for the separation of church and state.

Buchan, when questioned said when speaking to JZ he wouldn't bring up the polygamy issue but felt that JZ would get the message anyway.

He also said "The President of South Africa is looking for constructive support. Don't criticise him, help him.
"He added that there are no "buts". The Bible says one should respect people in positions of authority.

Well hallelujah to that. And here we were stupidly thinking that respect had to be earned based on someone's performance. Silly us.


And then, joy of joys, our own Julius Malema celebrated his birthday in lavish style. With a R703 bottle of Moet in his hand he stated "I'm still living in poverty today, because as long as a neighbour of mine is struggling, I, too, am struggling."

Struggling with the cork methinks.

Struggling Julius may soon be living that name when SARS audits him for alleged tax evasion. Apparently you can't openly advertise you're in the money without someone demanding their cut.
Julius could however plead poverty since he couldn't afford to give the elderly at his party anything more than bananas, apples and water.

Perhaps they were on a detox. Must be an overdose of Malema Magic.


There were 2 silver linings in government this week though.

We will never go to war. This is because there isn't enough money in the current defence budget to keep our planes airborne for more than an hour and a half per day and our ships at sea for more than 23 days a year.
On the upside, as certain events last year at The Union Buildings proved, our Army is ready to strike at a moment's notice. However, they'll only get guns if the strike is legal.

Also...

Plans to bring in Skills Laws for municipalities could see the end of the icon of home affairs: The Blasé Worker. That's right, after 16 years of democracy it's been decided that perhaps skills should be a hiring requirement. Who'd have thought?

These skills will replace the current skill set of:

1. A vacant stare.

2. An over-developed sense of entitlement and one's own importance.

3. Olympic level boredom and disinterest and,

4. A body mass of at least 200kgs.


Returning to religion for a moment, Pope Benedict XVI's brother, Georg Ratzinger, said he was never aware of sexual abuse in a famous boys choir in southern Germany that he headed for nearly three decades. It must be tough when they won't let you play with the other boys.

These allegations are part of a widening sex scandal rocking Germany's Roman Catholic Church, which includes allegations of abuse at a number of institutions. When asked about the impact of the scandals, Ratzinger who is a bishop, voiced concern about a "certain animosity towards the Church" as well as feelings of "resentment and hostility".

Well, it's a funny thing Your Grace but when people are asked to accept the body of Christ, they're not expecting the beef of the bishop too. No one can recall a visit to a monastic school ever including the phrase, "Down on your knees, NOM, NOM, NOM."

It would seem that, once again, certain members of The Catholic Church have forgotten that when Jesus said, "Turn the other cheek," that's not he was talking about.


And finally... The words Virgin and Paris are seldom seen together anymore but in the suburb of Garges-les-Gonesse hundreds of people have been flocking since February 12th to see an icon of the Virgin Mary "shed tears of oil", according to the owner.

Esat Altindagoglu stated on Sunday "It's a small miracle. This is a message sent by the Virgin and her son." That message being "Buy ELF Oil".

Esat's wife Sevim said she was praying before the icon when "I noticed that she was crying. I said to myself 'this is not normal'."

The tears seem to have remarkable properties. "A woman came in mid February and explained that she was unable to have a child. She took a bit of oil with a handkerchief and placed it on her belly. Two days ago she called me and said that she could now have a child," said Sevim.

All this religious fervour does raise a question: Why do so many Catholic practices and miracles include an oily fluid oozing from a virgin?


This concludes this week's edition of The Opening Monologue. See you next week and remember, you haven't heard it all till you've heard The Last Say On Sunday.

Goodbye.

Posted by vittorio at 01:57 PM | Comments (0)

March 16, 2010

The Opening Monologue - 16/03/2010

The Opening Monologue - Tuesday the 16th of March 2010
Written by Vittorio Leonardi.

Good evening.

This past week showed that there seems to be an affliction creeping through the ranks of those in power. Striking at any time and usually with explosive results, this menace can destroy the message of any argument, rant or statement leaving the speaker looking like a complete moron.

I'm of course referring to the dreaded, "Foot In Mouth Disease!"

Yes! The scourge of the political rally and the poorly-worded interview, Foot In Mouth Disease or FIMD can relegate any impassioned speech to the realms of satire.


Two such instances happened in the week that was. Designated Distraction Man, Julius Malema warbled a tune not everyone wanted to hear and the The Wife That Was, Winnie Madikizela-Mandela blurted out an incoherency that left the right wing thinking, "Isn't that our script she's using?"

These and other shocking tales of verbal diarrhoea await you within the case files of... The Opening Monologue!

"Mandela let us down."

Like the shot heard round the world, this bombshell went off last Monday. It is alleged Winnie Madikizela-Mandela made this comment and several others during an interview with a reporter, Lady Naidira Naipaul, from London's Evening Standard newspaper several months ago. And like a mudslide of Tourettes and vitriol, our former first lady went on to say that Madiba had made a bad economic deal for blacks and that Arch Bishop Desmond Tutu and his partners in the Truth and Reconciliation Commission were cretins.

Naturally since this interview surfaced, the traditional war of words has flared with Winnie saying:

"I didn't say that."
And the reporter saying "Well yes you did."
And then Winnie retorted saying "I never gave you an interview."
And the reporter replied "Well here's a picture of you and me and my husband at your home, nice house by the way."
And then Winnie said "Thank you, but I was speaking with your husband for his book, not to you."
And the reporter said "I introduced myself as a reporter. If you didn't want it in print you should've said so. So there. How trusting are you?"

The lesson here is that once Winnie removes that colossal foot from her mouth and the other from said reporter's posterior, she should from now on always be aware of where she is in the space time continuum.


Not to be outdone, Designated Distraction Man (DDM), Julius Malema outdid himself this past week with what some might say is the thermo-nuclear habanero chilli to Winnie's jalopeno for the soul. At a rally at the University of Johannesburg, Julius decided to adlib on an old struggle song about cowardice. The lyrics originally went "Cowards are afraid; shoot, shoot, shoot with a gun." Our DDM changed them from "Shoot the cowards" to "Shoot the boer." Despite cowards' countrywide expressing relief at the altering of the lyrics, the rest of the nation took great umbrage at JM's mad improv skills. Julius, this isn't Idols, it wasn't necessary to dazzle them with your singing. That's JZ's thing. If you were in a boy band, you'd be the one that gives the oddball interviews and later on has no career... Oh wait... Never mind. And take that foot out of your mouth when you speak to us!


More bad news as DStv announces that it will not be launching a porn channel as part of its service. The Film and Publications Control Board or Evil Censor Monsters welcomed this decision saying it was a victory for the children's rights movement. In a statement, chief executive officer Yoliswa Makhasi said "There was little doubt that children's exposure to pornographic material may be considered a form of sexual abuse." Apparently 47 000 misguided citizens cried foul of the possibility of free-flowing footage of naughty bit being piped directly to their homes thus putting the issue to bed so to speak. Geeks across the country had little to say on the issue. It seems that as long as there's an internet, no-one needs to be lonely tonight. And remember, your kids know how to surf the net. Way better than you.
To the 47 000 that have no idea what I mean, turn off SafeSearch and let me Google that for you. http://lmgtfy.com/?q=Porn


Sticking with naivety, the former head of Britain's MI5 said last Tuesday that the US misled its allies about what was happening to inmates at Guantanamo Bay. Oh wow, no! Really? Say it ain't so! You mean while the American government was torturing prisoners, they may have lied about doing it? How can that be possible? How could it be that with the moral compass provided by Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfeld and George Walker Bush, a lie or 20 could have been told? These men watched "24" for inspiration you dolts! Didn't you think that there might have been a problem when one of them ran his presidency like he was a Texas Ranger? And you claim to be the home of James Bond. Hang your heads in shame!


And finally. Thailand, where Sujet Salee is a Thai boxing champion with a record of 5 wins and one draw. His coaches say that his elbow is his weapon of choice.
"When he touched his opponent on the ring, he attacked instantly."
Now before one of the 47 000 start bleating, Sujet is blind. That's right. A blind boxer. A blind Muay Thai Kickboxer. Born blind, he always wanted to follow in his father's footsteps. Now he competes against blindfolded boxers in full contact tournaments. Strangely though, blind boxing is not supported by Thailand's disabled athletes association, which considers it as a violation for the rights of the handicapped. Oh really? Why don't you go over to Sujet and say that. I thought not. Cos he'll KNOCK YOU THE **** OUT!!!


This concludes this week's edition of The Opening Monologue. See you next week and remember, you haven't heard it all till you've heard The Last Say On Sunday.

Goodbye.

Posted by vittorio at 06:00 PM | Comments (0)

March 23, 2010

The Opening Monologue - 23/03/2010

The Opening Monologue - Tuesday the 23rd of March 2010
Written by Vittorio Leonardi.

Good evening.
Last week saw great merriment: our president went to hell, Julius Malema was found guilty, St. Patrick's Day was celebrated and a rap star was threatened. All this coupled with scholars attending protests instead of classes and the long weekend made for an uproariously fun week. Allow me to demonstrate.

Drinkers of all ages, some of them legal, some of them actually Irish, took to the pubs to celebrate Saint Patrick's Day with all the joy and insanity of a Jackass casting call. But who was St. Patrick? His real name was Maewyn Succat (pronounced Suck it) - a really unfortunate name to have in the priesthood if past scandals are anything to go by. So why go into Catholicism? Because after being sold into slavery and tending sheep for a while, religion seemed the obvious choice.

His life has become the stuff of legend. Some say there were two different people alive at roughly the same time and their deeds became the story of dear old Paddy. The most enduring story being that Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland.

On a very big bus perchance? Whatever he drove, it certainly wasn't S.A. Roadlink. Also since no fossil records of snakes have ever been found in Ireland one could say he not only drove them out but that he atomised them too, turning them into the fertilizer that gives Ireland its green, green grass.

Some people could argue these points all day long. But why? For as the song goes,

"Whack for my daddy, oh
There's whiskey in the jar, oh."


Staying with folk music, a tale was told that The devil went down to Georgia, he was looking for a soul to steal. And then our president went to Zimbabwe to visit the devil and ask for it back. Although JZ has been working his own magic up north, his life continued without him this week when it was publicised that the budget allocated for his wives would double this year taking it to over R15 million. The money comes from the budget for the spousal support office - which covers the cost of employing a personal secretary and a researcher to support the president's wives in projects relating to government work. Once again the question is where is this money supposed to come from?

In an unrelated story, The National Lottery Board (NLB) has R6.3 billion in cash and liquid assets - money unspent on charity organizations and NGOs - despite dozens of groups applying for much needed assistance since 2003. Unconfirmed reports however say that with the governments help, they'll be clearing out the backlog very soon. Class, can we say CHA-CHING?!


Further on up the road, Julius Malema and the ANC Youth League were dealt a severe blow last week. Just on the heels of his creative remix of "Shoot the boers, they are rapists" our Designated Distraction Man was found guilty of hate speech. What were the odds of that? He has been ordered to pay a fine and apologize. Some might think this is a slap on the wrist but given the number of times Julius mouths off in the average month, he could soon bankrupt himself paying off fines with tender money he says doesn't exist.

Not to be outdone, the ANCYL's own lord of incoherency, Floyd Shivambu says journalists who have accused him of threatening to make the details of their personal lives public are cowards for not making their identity public. Naughty Floyd! Don't expect them to do your job for you. Be a man of your convictions, just like Julius. Mr. Shivambu continued, "Who are they?" he said when asked for comment. "If they don't want to come out and say who they are, then they are stupid."

No. They've just learned a lesson from watching Monty Python's "How Not To Be Seen."


Meanwhile on Facebook... It has been said that if you were to give an infinite number of chimps an infinite number of typewriters, one of them would produce the works of Shakespeare. Thanks to the internet, we know that's not true. Although, the net does allow us to keep track of the dangerously stupid and last week was no exception as a Facebook fan page devoted to Julius Malema started keeping a body count of farm murder victims since 1994. The twit in question, one Clearence Letlokane, who refers to Julius Malema as "The Oracle" posted these gems. Please note Grammar Nazis may want to avert their eyes:

"They kept the wealth of our land... the little riches obtained is not merly (sic) enough to be shared equally amongst all of us... Hence it is that corruption persists... Crime will not rest until all that was stolen 4rm us is... all regained..."

"Comrades must unite. The oracle has spoken. The once hunted must now become the hunters. Let them wear dompasses. Restrict them from certain areas. Do u thnk afta putting them through all that crap they will vow 4 reconsilliation?" (sic)

When questioned about these statements, he replied: "I haven't killed anyone, but I am not sympathetic to those who have been murdered... sue me for not shedding a tear."

Wow. 4chan needs this one.

Naturally, Floyd Shivambu said that neither the league nor Malema had anything to do with the page.

Is it then safe to assume that there are no words for login info in Pedi?

Racing ahead, it's official: Although their re-enactment of the chase scene from The Italian Job failed, Jub Jub's blood tested positive for cocaine and morphine. In his defence however, his lawyers said that only his co-accused, Themba Tshabalala had alcohol in his system. Jub Jub may have felt no pain; had a God complex and felt hyper and chilled at the same time but at least he wasn't drunk. Well, thank heaven for that. It must be why he got bail. On a side note, to the protesting school children I'd like to say: GET YOUR LAZY ASSES BACK IN SCHOOL AND LEARN SOMETHING! THE LAST THING WE NEED IS ONE OF YOU GROWING UP TO BE JUB JUB - PART 2!!


Moving abroad, protestors in Thailand have hurled bags of their own blood at the residential compound of the Thai Prime Minister in hopes that the shock tactic would bring down his government. The Thai National Blood Service wept as thousands of protestors each gave a few teaspoons of blood. This was then transferred into dozens of large plastic water jugs that were passed overhead through the crowd of cheering protesters before being delivered to Government House. It was then poured into plastic bags and hurled at the walls, floors and roofs of the compound buildings.

Kind of makes toyi-toying look stupid now doesn't it? It is unconfirmed whether or not those that gave blood received a cookie.


And finally... Sex can be a wonderful thing but sometimes it can really burn your ass. This was proven when a Swiss man was photographed by Swiss daily Blick, naked on the window ledge of a transsexual prostitute's apartment when a fire broke out therein. The 33-year-old man was hospitalised after the fire last Monday afternoon and was released that evening with light burns. Not to be outdone, a Russian couple died of carbon-monoxide poisoning when they had sex in their car in a sealed garage. "A man and a woman retreated to their Volkswagen to have sex... Most likely the lovers turned on the engine to get warm," Interfax reported, citing a source in the Moscow police force.

This wouldn't have happened in an electric car... I'm just saying.

These stories prove once again that though some people want to burn in the fires of passion, others just want a warm place with a funny smell.


This concludes this week's edition of The Opening Monologue. See you next week and remember, you haven't heard it all till you've heard The Last Say On Sunday.

Goodbye.

Posted by vittorio at 06:05 PM | Comments (0)

April 03, 2010

On the Death of Eugene Terre'Blanche - 03/04/2010

On the murder of Eugene Terre'Blanche - Saturday, April 3rd 2010
By Vittorio Leonardi

Good morning.

At 00:32 on Sunday morning I received a sms from a friend informing me that Eugene Terre'Blanche - leader of the AWB - had been found murdered on his farm Villanna in Ventersdorp at 6pm that same evening.

The first thing I thought was, "Well, here it comes. They finally have what they need. A martyr."

As I write this, Afriforum and Solidarity are calling for all South Africans to remain calm. I don't think the message can be spoken loudly enough. It should be shouted from the rooftops. Ski-written if necessary.

"WILL EVERYONE PLEASE JUST CALM THE F*** DOWN!!!"

The old saying is that the die has been cast. Never before has that statement been more true than right here.

So far, Afrikaner people have had several things to contend with.

First, there was the perceived attack on their language. They united. And now Afrikaans artists pretty much outsell all others in the charts, the most famous instance of which when Steve Hofmeyer won Album of The Year at the SAMAs.

Then there were and still are the name changes. Court action is still deciding whether or not Tshwane will be Pretoria's new name. I know some comics that have nearly gotten into fist fights with people that take the subject that seriously.

And then there was that song. "Kill the Boer." After interdicts and court actions, Julius Malema and several other "liberation" groups continue to sing the song with any real regard for a backlash that by their actions, they seem to welcome.

Well now, it's happened. A boer is dead. THE boer is dead.

They sent him to jail and I wondered then, "This won't end well for Eugene. No way."

Not a hand was laid on him. After some thought I later realised that one reason may have been that because deep down, the powers that be knew that if he died, a martyr would be born. A tide of violence would have been released. They knew that above all else, Eugene Terre'Blanche HAD to serve out his sentence. And he HAD to die in his sleep. An old man. Quietly, silently, without incident.

That's all over now.

Already, AWB members are saying that for now, their focus will be on burying their leader. Soon though, talk of vengeance will surface. Who am i kidding? Chances are it already has. Afriforum is stuck trying to marshal a people that are emotionally charged and angry. If there was ever a straw that would break the proverbial camel's back, it would be this one.

And what of the suspects?

Two men - aged 16 and 21 - were arrested on the farm. The story is that they got into a fight with Terre'Blanche after he failed to pay them for work done. Reports say that they were goaded into doing this by a larger crowd. And now they are forever tied to this murder.

They will, I'm rather certain, be hailed as heroes by the less savvy of the political spectrum, the ones that always seem to be spoiling for a fight. From this day forward they will be marked men. Till this is resolved, they will be in danger. It may be that jail will be the safest place for them. Once again, I'll wait and see.

And what about us?

I don't know.

I'm sure that President Zuma will say and do the right thing. Already, his spokesperson has said that our president was filled with shock and horror at the killing. I'd like to hope that it's because he feels what we are all feeling. An over-whelming sense of "Oh s***! What now?"

And then there's Julius malema? I'm wondering what he'll say when he finds out. I'm hoping that he'll have the sense to stay away, tour like he said he would and just stay out of it. In an ideal world, it would be possible. As for The PAC... I'll be surprised if they aren't dancing in the streets. From what we've all seen, at the moment, their version of quiet diplomacy can be likened to a freight train derailing and smashing through a crèche at naptime.

So what can WE do?

I think it would be a refreshing change if WE did exactly what THEY weren't expecting.

We enjoy what's left of Easter and the long weekend. We spend time with whomever we can: loved ones, friends, family, whoever. And when Tuesday begrudgingly comes, we go back to work, we do what we need to do and we just keep moving.

Essentially, we keep our eyes and thoughts on what's important.

We act like human beings.

Above all, we don't mouth off and we don't allow ourselves to get goaded into fighting some else's revolution. I for one am tired of watching ordinary people die for a Gucci-clad, stuffed-shirt's agenda.

So for now, let's see what happens.

Have breakfast/lunch, hold your partners hand, and give someone a hug.

Some of you reading this may think this sounds alarmist. I know I sound like it's the end of the world.

Regardless of what you may think, hold someone you love anyway. It's good for you.

I hope that this passes. I know it will. But I'd like it to with as little to no insanity as possible. Maybe I'm aiming high, but I can hope.

As the great Andy Dufresne once said, "Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies."

Peace and love y'all.

Happy Easter and a blessed Passover to you all.

V.

Posted by vittorio at 06:00 PM | Comments (0)

April 06, 2010

The Opening Monologue - 06/04/2010

The Opening Monologue - Tuesday the 6th of April 2010
Written by Vittorio Leonardi.

Good evening.

This past week was a truly mixed bag that showed you can't put all your eggs in one basket (Sorry, had to be done).

It was pandemonium. Racist songs and paedophile priests; U.S. unrest and Russian bombings - who says we have nothing to be thankful for? Then Easter flew into our hearts to cap the week, raising our sugar levels and giving every child a reason to mutilate a chocolate bunny in ways that would normally make you think they were auditioning to be Dexter Morgan. With all this on the table, let's get cracking

Gentlemen, start your yokes!

PLEASE NOTE: There won't be any mention of the murder of Eugene Terre'Blanche in this episode. For my take on that, please go here:

http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=303236570417#!/topic.php?uid=303236570417&topic=15858

Julius Malema is still alive. Most of you should remember that the PAC Youth League had promised to "injure him to death" by now. Well, they've realised the error of their ways. The confusion over who organised the Sharpville uprising wasn't caused by Julius at all. The real culprit is Nelson Mandela.

Wait, what?

Allow Youth League president Pitso Mphasha to explain:

"Our intelligence has revealed that Julius Malema is a pawn of Nelson Mandela."

The PACYL want copies of Mandela's Long Walk to Freedom taken off bookshelves because his account of the massacre is flawed according to them.

"It will be very useless if we deal with the symptom and not deal with the disease. We must engage with the disease," said Mphasha.

I'm sorry, just so that I'm clear on this, Madiba's the disease? Okey-dokey. And what of the "injure him to death" part?

The PACYL said they'd simply chat with Madiba to sort things out. In a bizarre twist, the Pan Africanist Youth Congress, Payco, issued a statement distancing itself from the league's comments saying that the league was a breakaway faction and that Payco saw no point in murdering fellow Africans. The PAC Youth League took its foot out of its mouth long enough to say that Payco was the breakaway faction and not them. And with all this bickering going on, who knows, someone could get injured to death out there. We can only hope.


Meanwhile, someone decided to put out a hit on Julius.

Surprising, I know.

A recent sms campaign promised R2 million to whomever capped our Designated Distraction Man (DDM). The ANC reacted by blaming the Freedom Front Plus. They claim that their "Prosecute Malema" campaign is "meant to incite, instigate and mobilise some people to harm and even lead to the execution of the ANCYL president."

They said nothing about the PACYL's "injure him to death" campaign though.

Lads, I think you'll find that the FF+ said "Prosecute Malema" not "Persecute Malema". Once again, clue is in the wording.

But if turnabout is fair play then surely the FF+ could say that their campaign to put the singer of "Kill the boer" in jail has no correlation with the death threats he received. This is the same logic the ANC is using when they purport that "Kill the boer" is not hate speech.

ANC spokesperson Ishmael Mnisi reiterated, "The campaign is meant to incite the South African populace, particularly the Afrikaner community, against the president of the youth league. It poses a danger to the personal safety and security of [Comrade] Malema."

Now don't you dare take anything away from Julius. Good old DDM is doing a fine job inciting people all on his own.


However, Julius may have suspected that it was time to seek a broader perspective. He decided to head to a place of safety.

Where everybody knows his name and they're mostly glad he came.
He wanted to be where he could see our troubles are all the same.
He wanted to be where everybody knows his name.

Zim-bab-we here we come!!

But then, true to form, even on foreign shores Julius couldn't keep the diplomatic flag flying. JZ had just left and like a political swamp donkey, DDM went hee-haw-splish-splashing through the countryside, muddying the only recently-settled water by deciding to visit the Zanu-Pf and completely spurning the MDC as though they were the ugly colonialist's daughter at the dance.

Why did he only visit the Zanu-Pf? Because he's doing research on the best way to implement nationalization of mines and farms. Logic dictates that maybe he's in Zim to see the worst possible way of doing things so that he'll know what to avoid, right?

Nay nay. Julius thinks the Zimbabwean method is just dandy and can't wait to try it out here.

Malema described the Zanu-Pf as "a revolutionary party" and he was there to learn about Zimbabwe's "revolutionary empowerment programmes". In layman's terms a revolutionary party is one that keeps going around in a circle thus always ending up back in the same pile of poop.

And then, as if by coincidence, our government is challenging a ruling that allows Zimbabwean farmers booted out during the Zanu-Pf land grab to seize Zim assets in S.A. as compensation. This is the same ruling that the South African Development Community (SADC) passed against Zim in 2008 and Robert Mugabe summarily ignored. I think it's a fair trade. Zimbabwe gets Julius and the farmers get a house. President Mugabe, think of it this way. You're not losing a house. You're gaining a showboat.


Meanwhile, in the sporting arena, local World Cup authorities have followed China's lead in continued pre-game preparations with the traditional eviction of the homeless. How one evicts a person without a home is beyond me. Zimbabweans across the countryside have been sent packing. The possible logic being "While you're taking Julius, here, have these back too."

Also, Caster Semenya said she'll still compete even though her case is still to be resolved despite Athletics South Africa saying the results of her gender test will only be available in June. One is to assume then that the plan now is to stop her from competing by having her die of old age. How long do these tests take? Did they send off the samples to Tibet? Is the lab tech a Sherpa too? This would never happen on C.S.I. Ask yourselves, What Would Grisham Do?


Internationally, The Vatican is under siege from an ever growing tide of kiddie fiddling suits. Last Monday, a Vatican Cardinal stated that there was no link between the required priestly vow of celibacy and the recent spate of paedophilia scandals. This makes sense because clearly the priests involved are anything but celibate. And now it seems that it's all coming to a head, so to speak.

A U.S. lawyer is trying to bring the pontiff himself to book in a class action lawsuit filed in the state of Kentucky. He claims he has a 1962 document that proves current Pope and the Vatican itself knew of the problem and ordered its priests never to report the case to the authorities. Since Benedict is the boss fella, he would then be liable. The document "Crimen Sollicitationis" - Latin for "crimes of solicitation" describes how church authorities should deal with cases of abuse of children by priests, cases where sex is solicited in the confessional and cases of homosexuality and bestiality.

I think they said it best in Broken Arrow: "I don't know what's scarier, molestation of children, or that it happens so often and in so many variations that there are actually terms for it."

Never should the following be uttered in confession: "I know I've sinned father but can you wear the gimp suit this time?"

And here's why the lawsuit will never happen.

If Pope Benedict XVI is called to testify, it could set a legal precedent. Foreign courts could question the U.S. president about actions taken by the C.I.A. The U.S. is currently immune from prosecution by The World Court in The Hague.

Forever.

But they have nothing to hide. Apart from gun running, drug running, arming dictators and training terrorists it's all good. Isn't it? Guys?

Speaking of war crimes, the Serbian government has apologised to the Bosnian Muslim victims of the 1995 Srebrenica Massacre of some 8000 people. They didn't do anything about it, they just apologised. And they didn't call it "Genocide". I suppose they just injured them to death. This pointless apology comes on the heels of Serbia wanting to join the E.U. Libya pulled the same stunt when it made reparations for its part in the Lockerby Bombings that vaporised most of that village. So let's recap, practitioners of genocide, professional funders of terrorism and an army of paedophile priests. Ain't Europe grand?


In the U.S., it seems that God's warriors, all nine of them were arrested in a raid by the F.B.I. after they decided it was time to kick off the Apocalypse and kill the soldiers of Evil i.e. the police. The militia Group calling themselves the Hutaree or Christian Warrior had the cunning plan of serving Jesus through murder. Cops are, as we all know, the soldiers of the "new world order" and must be severely smote. The groups plan was to kill one officer and then attack the funeral.

A sort of Biblical buy one, get one free deal. Proving once again that religion can be fun till it involves guns.


And finally... corporal punishment might be wrong in the eyes of many but one child will definitely think twice before his next tantrum. Two officers from the central Indiana police department used a stun gun on a 10-year old unruly child after responding to a call at a home care centre. The officers said that when they arrived, the boy was out of control, hitting and kicking and refusing to listen to them. So they tazered him. They said he cried at first but was later fine.

He may have needed a change of underwear but they didn't say. If shocking kiddies caught on, one wonders what the ad campaign would say.

Is your child just too loud? Eskom, give your child a rolling blackout.


This concludes this week's edition of The Opening Monologue. See you next week and remember, you haven't heard it all till you've heard The Last Say On Sunday.

Goodbye.

Posted by vittorio at 05:56 PM | Comments (0)

April 13, 2010

The Opening Monologue - 13/04/2010

The Opening Monologue - Tuesday the 13th of April 2010
Written by Vittorio Leonardi.


Good evening.

This week saw the burial of an old man; the continued attempt of a youth leader to bury himself; and positive steps being taken by the world powers to limit the likelihood of planetary immolation through atomic fire. Bad news for arms dealers, great news for us.

With all this merriment afoot, let's lock and load!

This past week saw Eugene Terre'Blanche laid to rest on his farm in Ventersdorp, quietly and without incident. All this, much to the relief of most South Africans.

And then as though to make up for the lull and much to the joy of the doomsayers, certain unsavoury evidence in the Terre'Blanche murder investigation came to light. Evidence that could prove his death was more a lover's quarrel than a simple killing. The defence will be claiming that there was a sexual relationship between Eugene and the 16-year-old unnamed defendant.

So the lawyers are going to argue that ET was a little gay? Okay. And where might you be moving to if you prove this?

In the meantime, there is a succession argument raging within the AWB. They don't know who to elect. Among the current hopefuls is J. Edgar Hoover and Liberace or anyone else that likes khaki uniforms, long horseback rides and sudden dismounts.


While that argument was raging, Designated Distraction Man (DDM) a.k.a. Julius Malema continued production for his new reality T.V. show entitled "What Must I Do To Get Fired?". As it stands, he's defied court orders, ignored The ANC and president JZ, annoyed foreign political parties, sworn at foreign journalists and ejected sections of his own youth league for not doing as he says.

Ah yes, you can't see the fires but you can certainly smell his agenda from here.

All of this culminated in our president finally rousing from slumber to drop a ton of poo on DDM's head. He bellowed unto him, "Julius, shut your great big pudding muncher!! You're embarrassing all of us!! Every time you speak the country's IQ drops a few points!!" Pundits would argue that I'm paraphrasing; I regard it as a gentle summation of the facts.

DDM's shining moment came when he called a BBC reporter "a bastard" and an "agent". This was due to him daring to point out the irony of Malema's criticizing of the Movement for Democratic Change (MDC) for speaking out against his visit to Zimbabwe from its offices in Sandton. Ironic since Malema himself lives there. Silly reporter rabbit.

On a side note Julius, perhaps the reason the MDC criticized you from Sandton is because if they were to do it from Harare they could catch their death so to speak. But what do I know? I just read and stuff.

Ah Julius... Never has someone hit bottom so hard, so frequently and without fail, and then simply dusted himself off, taken his shovel-mouth and continued digging. DDM, we salute you!


However, it seems that once again Designated Distraction Man did his job. This time with Eskom and Jackie Selebi.

How many of you noticed that Eskom just put the country deeper in debt by getting a $3.75 billion loan from The World Bank? Not many I think. Interestingly, not a word was said on whether or not our rates will come down with this rather massive cash injection. That would just be silly. In any case, with the ANC about to make about R1 billion out of its stake in Hitachi, there'll be plenty of cash of for everyone... Psyche!

In the meantime Jackie Selebi has been using this momentary diversion to get his legal team to make a move to dismiss charges against him. The defence team claims the state never proved there was a corrupt relationship between Glen Agliotti and Jackie. They have a point. I mean, the last time I saw a cop and a drug dealer being friends it was totally above board and nothing was out of the ordinary. It was in Chicago during Prohibition. See? It's all good. Where's Eliot Ness when you need him?


Meanwhile, across the sea and many miles away, Russia and the US have signed the new S.T.A.R.T. - Strategic Arms Reduction Treaty - accord - a landmark treaty limiting the number of stockpiled nuclear weapons either side can have to 1550. This treaty would have been signed during the Bush administration but let's be honest, he couldn't pronounce the names of his own weapons hence the long wait. Need I remind you of the nuclear/nucalar argument? This treaty is exactly what it says it is: a start. Both sides still have enough missiles to vaporise the planet ten times over. I know you'll all sleep better for knowing that. It also seems that India and Pakistan can have all the nukes they want. They must be pissed off. All that stock and no one to buy wait. Oh wait, no worries, I hear that Iran will soon be having a blow-out sale with Israel. Everything must go!


And finally... much weirdness has been a foot worldwide.

A survey of 23,000 adults in 22 countries by market research company Ipsos showed that screaming and abusive parents at their kids sporting events don't just happen in movies. Apparently American parents lead the field on The Obnoxious Behaviour Index.

"People living in the United States (60 percent) were most likely to witness unsavoury behaviour by a parent followed closely by residents of India (59 percent), Italy (55 percent), Argentina (54 percent), Canada (53 percent) and Australia (50 percent)."

Americans huh? Who'da thunk it? But what about all that freedom of speech stuff? Ah, blow it out your a** ref!!

Another recent poll shows only 20% of people on earth think there aliens among us. The other 80%... must be aliens. So look around you. If there are 5 of you in the room and you know you're human, beware, for there just might be an anal probing in your future. Or a visit from DDM, whichever comes first.

However, this story gets my vote. A German woman was arrested upon her arrival at Liverpool Airport for attempting to wheel her dead husband through customs. Apparently she hadn't noticed he was dead and claimed he was still alive just before the flight.

"I'm not a smuggler," Jarant, 66, told Bild. "My Willi only died at the airport. He suddenly looked so lifeless, like a wax figure. His fingernails turned blue all of a sudden. At home he was still warm -- I swear!"

"I want to have Willi cremated and then fly home to Berlin with his ashes," Jarant said. They live in Berlin but spent several months each year in England with her daughter, she said.

Remember kids, if you laugh, you're going to hell.


This concludes this week's edition of The Opening Monologue. See you next week and remember, you haven't heard it all till you've heard The Last Say On Sunday.

Goodbye.

Posted by vittorio at 07:21 PM | Comments (0)

April 20, 2010

The Opening Monologue - 20/04/2010

The Opening Monologue - Tuesday the 20th of April 2010
Written by Vittorio Leonardi.


Good evening.

This last week was one of true literary wonder. It seemed the events of a great novel were playing themselves out right here before us. There was something rotten in the state of South Africa due to SAMWU's strike action, the monster was tamed as his master cracked the whip and the skies around the world darkened with ash as Icelandic volcanoes spewed forth a plume of travel-stopping air gunge.

And so, with the end times fast approaching, let's knock this one out and head for the bomb-shelters and commuter lounges.

Who knew that when the Four Horsemen of The Apocalypse decided to hold a dress-rehearsal they'd choose Iceland? Well, if this week was anything to go by, then the Mayan clock was off by about 2 years and 8 months. This was of little consolation to thousands of commuters worldwide who were left stranded by the ash clouds that spread across the planet. The ash is so prevalent that NATO jet fighters have found glass in their engines, the heat turning the ash into clear evidence.

However, though commercial planes were grounded, the entrepreneurial spirit was in full flight as various nations filled their hotels, bars and restaurants with stranded travellers. In an attempt to assuage the sting of staying put, Iceland offered those left holding their bags a free dip in the geothermal heated pools around their nation.

Some of you might find this a bit odd and a wee bit sinister: They've already blackened the skies and now they're offering you the opportunity to simmer in a stew pot? I say nay, nay!

And to all the passengers that seem to believe the fantasy that the world actually revolves around them, that foreign countries are there to service their needs alone and that the airlines are deliberately inconveniencing you by not taking off, do me a favour: Watch the opening scene of Lost and tell me if that looks like fun.

In unconfirmed reports, Al-Qaeda terror attacks worldwide have slowed down. Apparently they realised that with these long delays, their luggage won't last the flight.


Speaking of deflated hopes, it seems the ANC has finally been roused from its Laudanum-like slumber and cracked its whip at our dear old Designated Distraction Man, DDM himself, Julius Malema. No more lofty ideals for him. No sir.

Not for at least another 20 minutes.

Yes indeed, it seems that all that was necessary to get DDM into trouble was for him to repeatedly ignore the ANC. Naughty Julius, no biscuit!

So is one to assume then that pissing on everyone else's opinion was just the icing on a large pound cake of poo?

Possibly.

But maybe I'm wrong. Maybe when his hearing comes around, the ANC will take into account Julius' sterling record (let me finish) being the ruling party's designated distraction and forget the whole thing.

But they wouldn't do that would they? I'm sure a stern punishment will be handed down.

I can dream can't I?

At the very least, they could tell him to just keep to the script. As we all know, every song and dance routine needs a well-written through line otherwise how does one keep track of the money? Besides, you can't just make this stuff up as you go. You get into trouble... isn't that right Julius?


And trouble is exactly what ANC Treasurer Mathews Phosa is causing. He has openly accused fellow ANC leaders of lying and being clueless about business.

Welcome to the party Mr. Phosa.

This comes from Chancellor House's maybe yes, maybe no stance on their withdrawal of their stake in Hitachi Power Africa, a move which would see them losing out on making R1 billion off the construction of Eskom's new power stations. What got Phosa really riled up was how Chancellor House Chairman Popo Molefe said to him that they're severing connections with Hitachi only to deny those same statements later in the press.

So tell me Mr. Phosa, what part of the term "Government" didn't you understand?

Remember, the term "Government" is derived from two old Latin words. "Governa" meaning "a new spin" and "mentus" meaning "on an old lie".

This latest flaming comes on the heels of MPs referring to Nersa - the National Energy Regulator of SA - as a "toothless wonder" It would seem that MPs too have just realised that sometimes, entities of the powers that be simply go through the motions. It's a little unsettling that elected officials are only realising this now. That was a long nap gentlemen.


Sticking with old liars, Jackie Selebi and Glen Agliotti seemed to have had their stories straight at the start of the trial but have now adopted a new game called "Prison Doesn't Match My Tie".

All that can be discerned is that they certainly lied about something somewhere but like deja vu, every time they try to recall the events, they fade away into memory. Kinda like the truth, huh guys?


According to the Broadcasting Complaints Commission (BCCSA) saying something is gay is fine as long as you mean that it is "uncool, stupid or objectionable". This came after a Tuks FM listener complained about a DJ running a segment called "Gay or Okay" where bad things were labelled as gay. The DJ, Konstant De Vos, argued that the usage was fine because the listeners were usually voting about the behaviour of politicians or whether popped collars on pink golf shirts was gay.

It's gay by the way. And you're a douchebag if you do it.

The commission agreed with Vos too. Yay for freedom of speech... or something. In a way it does make a weird kind of sense.

For example, Robert Mugabe and Julius Malema are gay. See? It's all so much clearer.


Something else to file under bizarre, Eugene Terre'Blanche has apologised for tarring and feathering the late Professor Floors van Jaarsveld in 1979 - the act that cemented the AWB as a group with no sense of humour. Van Jaarsveld's family has seen the gesture as far too little, way too late. There's just no pleasing some people. Maybe if we got an Ouija board the lads could do it face to face... so to speak.

But everyone can relax, there's no zombie ET. He apologised for the incident in his soon to be published memoirs. The book which was completed a mere four months before his murder offers new insights into the man that fell from so high. Apparently there are chapters on proper horse-riding; how to make prison shanks and a guideline on hiring farm labourers. The book is due out next month.


And finally... You can't go anywhere nowadays without stomping on some litter. Even the Himalayas need a clean now and then. And for the first time ever, a clean-up team will brave the "death zone" of Mt. Everest to do just that. The "death zone" - so named because of its lack of oxygen and treacherous terrain - is home to some 2000kgs of rubbish stretching all the way back to the first ascent of Everest by Sir Edmund Hillary and Tenzing Norgay Sherpa in 1953.

Till now the refuse wasn't a problem but global warming has melted large parts of the snow making the Himalayan landfill visible. How embarrassing. On the creepy side, three corpses of long dead climbers have also been located. One of them, a Swiss climber that died in 2008 is to be collected and cremated.

"We'll bring down the body of a Swiss climber who died in the mountain in 2008 and cremate it below the base camp for which we have got the family's consent."

So if I understand the logic here, he froze to death so now you're going to warm him up. A lot. Overkill much? On the upside, should they fail to retrieve and cremate the body, they can simply leave an urn out for a few days and give the family that instead. Where's the harm in that? Besides it'll bringing new meaning to the phrase "My urn runeth over".


This concludes this week's edition of The Opening Monologue. See you next week and remember, you haven't heard it all till you've heard The Last Say On Sunday.

Goodbye.

Posted by vittorio at 06:54 PM | Comments (0)

April 27, 2010

The Opening Monologue - 27/04/2010

The Opening Monologue - Tuesday the 27th of April 2010
Written by Vittorio Leonardi.


Good evening.

It seemed the next wave of doomsday signs came to pass all over the world this week. Everywhere there was evidence that not only does the ground quaketh but so do the brains of many of our fellow Earthlings. From Iran to Sweden to Indonesia, crazy, stupid people spoke their minds and then glared in disgust as the rest of us face-palmed, shook our heads and then doubled over with laughter.

Herewith is a list of said nutters.

Promiscuous women cause earthquakes. This was the message of a senior Muslim Cleric in Iran who claims that women who dress immodestly cause the planet to jiggle. This pronouncement followed President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's prediction that Tehran would be hit by a massive quake and that the 12 million strong population should move.

So God's upset and it has nothing to do with the 5 major fault lines that run under Tehran? And he's upset with immodest women. So basically he's upset with boobies. Then why did he create them?

Iran isn't the first place to make ridiculous religious claims when destruction strikes. In the US, Baptist Evangelist Jerry Falwell stated that the reason God allowed the September 11th attacks to occur was because the US allowed certain people to live within its borders. These included the pagans and feminists.

Well then, let's kill several birds with one stone. How about a swap? The US gets promiscuous women with Bill Clinton leading the charge and Iran gets pagans and feminists. Then we find a deserted island in the hurricane belt, dump all the religious fanatics there and televise the show live. We'll call it "No Survivors". I think it's something we can all agree upon.

In response to the Iranian cleric's claim, soldiers of Facebook banded together to attend Boobquake - a day encouraging all women to show their cleavage and to test said cleric's theory.

Nothing happened.

But since science is based on repeatable results, I vote we have Boobquake every weekend just to be sure. Who's with me?


But that's not to say the earth didn't shake, rattle and roll. Four earthquakes measuring between 2.4 and 2.9 on the Richter scale hit Gauteng on Wednesday. So it would seem that Gauteng has several pockets of immodest women. Yay!! In truth, I think that the ship carrying the immodest women from Iran to the US got sidetracked by Somali pirates and ended up here, thus causing the shakes. Reports of the quakes' aftermath flooded in. Teazer's clientele said thank you for the deluxe lapdance. Apparently girls that were just shaking their money makers kicked it into overdrive thus boosting Lolly Jackson's takings by a few thousand rand. Others say the quakes were a direct result of Gigi winning Survivor.

Need we say more?

What is certain is that we're supposed to be one of the more geologically stable areas in the world if the film 2012 is to be believed. However it doesn't help that mining has transformed the ground beneath us into a honeycomb.

Please note: Before you ask, the tremors hit before Boobquake and the Survivor announcement, so shush.


Elsewhere in the world, an ultra right wing group calling itself the Swedish Resistance Movement protested the genocide of whites outside our embassy in Stockholm on Friday. They called for an end to "genocide in South Africa". Rwanda called saying that the Swedes wouldn't know genocide if it ran screaming into their villages cutting off their hands.


Indonesia has banned well-endowed cops. More accurately anyone that has ever had their member enlarged. So no big guns in the police, only stub nose pistols need apply. And no blank shooters either. The head of the police said the reason for this new rule was that it causes "hindrance during training". Fellas, if you're tripping over it, you're wasting talents that would be far more appreciated on the internet.


Speaking of shooting blanks, 2,575 guns went missing from municipalities across the country during the 2008/09 financial year and the trend is continuing. Yay!! The Police ministry said among other things, steps would be taken to recover 42 guns not returned by police officers who left the force. Again, this isn't a first. In February, a report was released that 60 firearms went missing from the Riot unit in Hazyview. Perhaps this explains the Government's gun amnesty drive. They're just trying to get their stuff back.


And finally... Remember when we used to deal with our anger, perhaps by talking to a friend or parent? Well the award for Bunny Boiler Ex-girlfriend of The Year goes to Brittany Mitchell of Hilton. She tried to hire a hitman to kill her ex-boyfriend's mom.

Brittany and Kelvin met on Facebook (WARNING SIGN) and after the couple broke up, she paid R2000 to a detective to kill the mom (WARNING SIGN). She was arrested on her 18th birthday. But there is some good news. She won't be tried because she's gone into a diversion programme where she will do 100 hours of community service, attend life-skills and anger management classes and see a psychologist regularly. If she violates these conditions, the trial resumes. So, if I'm reading this right, she's out there, right now, and if she's crazy enough, she could simply come after Kelvin's mom herself. (WARNING SIGN)

The moral here kids is that no matter how cute their profile picture is, how sweet their smile or how hot they are, please remember YOU CAN'T PHOTOGRAPH CRAZY! IT DOESN'T SHOW UP ON CAMERA!! We look like everyone else.


This concludes this week's edition of The Opening Monologue. See you next week and remember, you haven't heard it all till you've heard The Last Say On Sunday.

Goodbye.

Posted by vittorio at 07:14 PM | Comments (0)

May 04, 2010

The Opening Monologue - 04/05/2010

The Opening Monologue - Tuesday the 4th of May 2010
Written by Vittorio Leonardi.


Good evening.

After a few weeks of volcanic eruptions and earthquakes, it was only natural that the next theme for the week would be things that go BOOM! From volcanoes to poorly executed terror attacks, the plots thickened worldwide. Locally there were amusements aplenty when, once again, the remedial portion of our population decided to share its opinions with the rest of us.

So let's begin with the bang that almost was.


Nissan was dealt a serious blow to its reliability record this week when one of their Pathfinders broke down in Time Square before it could be detonated. Overloading seems to be the culprit here. It was packed to capacity with propane gas canisters, gasoline, wires, two clocks and fireworks. So at least the blast would've been pretty to look at if viewed from a safe distance... like New Jersey.

The faulty car bomb was first noticed by a t-shirt salesman/Vietnam veteran. He saw the car smoking and alerted the police.

"Smoking in public is illegal so I knew that this would be trouble." he said.

New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg described the bomb as an "amateurish" but potentially deadly attempt to create a fireball. "It's a good thing they didn't use a Fiat Uno instead."

An internet video allegedly from a Pakistani Taliban group, Tarik-e-Taliban claimed responsibility for the botched attack.

"We send our deepest apologies for this lack lustre performance, our usual bomb-maker is off sick and we had to use, Jamal, new guy, instead."

President Obama was briefed on the incident. He immediately responded by sending a LOL EPIC FAIL email to Al-Qaeda. The terrorist group responded by distancing itself from the attack stating that it was a sad and shameful moment for terrorism worldwide.


On to Europe where Italy's public safety chief decided to give his country a collective bowl movement by announcing that Mt. Vesuvius could vaporise between 2 and 5 million people IF it ever wakes up. This is not unlike saying that Ozzy Osbourne could be coherent IF he ever wakes up.

This latest revelation comes after Iceland's Mt. Unpronounceable blew its stack several weeks ago shutting down air traffic worldwide. Since then, Italy has felt left out and wants to prove that it can still shake the pillars of heaven when it comes to volcanic destruction.

"The gauntlet has been thrown down and we have picked it up. Though Vesuvius hasn't done a tour since 1944, we feel it's time for a comeback. Not only can we shut down air traffic but we hope to turn the surrounding ocean to acid too."

Further afield, unconfirmed reports have surfaced of members of the U.S. Geological Survey writing "Go Baby! Go!!" on the side of Mount St. Helens.


Locally, it seems that ATM hunting season is still open. Police discovered 2500kgs of commercial explosives during a raid on a house in the South of Johannesburg.

"We suspect that the explosives were to be used to blow up ATMs." said Lieutenant Colonel Lungelo Dlamini.

ATMs usually come in sizes ranging from 4 to 6 feet tall but recent unconfirmed reports of roving gangs of 20 foot tall ATMs have authorities worried.

"There is concern that some citizens will feel tempted to attack these lumbering cash-carrying behemoths in these recessive times. Giant ATMs are usually rather docile and tend to stay in one place upon finding a mall to roost in. We're more concerned with collateral damage to surrounding stores." Says ATM Anthropology expert Moola Cashman.

An 18 year old woman and a 22 year old man were in the house at the time of the raid on Friday morning. Police didn't believe the story that the detonations of the explosives would be used as the backing track for Danny K's new Kwaito remix of Ta-ra-ra Boom-de-ay. The suspects later claimed that the explosives were to be used to celebrate Diwali.


Some people go out with a bang, but a few arrive because of one. Or in this case several. Germany has found a way to deal with its surplus of paedophile priests. They've decided to go the commercial route of exporting them overseas. And it seems South Africa is the first to receive a surprise delivery.

Surprise because the German authorities didn't feel the need to tell parishioners they were getting a porn-wielding, liquor-plying kiddie fiddler. South Africa does have a long history with German men and child molestation; just ask the street kids at the traffic lights. So the question would then be why they would send this man here.

For starters, he had his own set of commandments which he stuck too religiously so to speak:

1. Thou shalt fondle boys in a parish sauna. (Question 1: Why the hell is there a parish SAUNA?! Is there a parish massage parlour too? Is this where one unwinds after an exorcism?)
2. Thou shalt allow boys to smoke cigarettes and hashish.
3. Thou shalt give away cellphones, gaming consoles and notebook computers. (Question 2: How long did these kids accept these gifts for before they realised they were the girlfriend?)
4. Thou shalt fondle a boy in front of witnesses and place the boy in thine bed. (Question 3: Witnesses? This guy's got balls. And he's touched several more.)
5. Thou shalt have a victim called Christopher to allege that he was given dagga to smoke, which made him defenceless.
6. Thou shalt feed thy victims as much schnapps as they want, then put them in a bed, take off their clothes and abuse them.
7. Thou shalt keep thine computer filled with pornography, and be active on online sex lines. (Question 4: What, were the boys not enough for you greedy bastard?!)
8. Thou shalt have sex toys and lubricant on the night stand. (Question 5: That should be the international sign for run away, surely? Didn't the diocese visit at some point and see the party favours? No it's not a lampshade padre! Arrest that guy!!)
9. Thou shalt have a collection of pubic hair kept in organised plastic jars in ones private study. (Question 6: Did he sort them by thickness, colour and shine? I stand corrected... That is the international sign for run away.)
10. Thou shalt make videos and take photos of your sex acts. (Question 7: Can one assume that this is how he kept the computer filled?)

In his defence he could say that he was just filled with his own brand of religious fervour. But one must remember father, when Jesus said "Suffer the little children; come unto me" that's not what he was talking about!

Now I understand, he was sent here because SA children are more likely to defend themselves. Or at least charge extra.


However there is stupidity and bad judgement everywhere. Transnet says that unless its demands are met, 50000 workers will strike over poor wages, bringing the country to a true standstill. The strike would affect food and fuel delivery as well as any other cartage countrywide. One has to wonder how long they'd be able to keep it up. When the food runs out, it's their fault and their families will turn on them and hopefully eat them.

And how are they going to get to marches when the busses meant to take them there have no fuel because they didn't deliver it?

This pales in comparison to comments made by Cosas (The Congress of SA Students). They are calling for the closure of all Afrikaans medium schools.

"Cosas condemns any racial tendencies that seeks to close doors of learning for the black African students, who are indigenous people of this country and Africa at large by having foreign, unoriginal Afrikaans as a medium of instruction in some racist schools, more especially in the West Rand region under racist Afrikaners management," a statement from Gauteng provincial secretary Oagile Louw said.

"We therefore call... for the immediate closure of such schools."

Cosas said that the sane reaction is to simply close these schools instead of getting the bad management out. When asked about the students already studying there they said that they were working on it, we shouldn't rush them and they'd have an answer as soon as they could find one in an African language... or English.

When asked why Africans could lobby for instruction in their home language but Afrikaans students could not, they stated that Afrikaans is the language of the foreigner. It was then explained that Afrikaans was invented by coloured people during the early settler years upon which The Opening Monologue was called an agent and a bastard and escorted out.


And finally... There's never a cop around when you need one but sometimes you don't even have to call. A police officer lost control of his unmarked car, a VW Golf 5, shot off the M1 North and smashed through the roof of a house in Xavier, Johannesburg South.

The vehicle cleared the high fence and landed in dead centre damaging the bedrooms and bathrooms. The officer was taken to the Garden City Hospital and has been charged with reckless and negligent driving.

However, no charge of housebreaking has been laid.


This concludes this week's edition of The Opening Monologue. See you next week and remember, you haven't heard it all till you've heard The Last Say On Sunday.

Goodbye.

Posted by vittorio at 07:02 PM | Comments (0)

May 11, 2010

The Opening Monologue - 11/05/2010

The Opening Monologue - Tuesday the 11th of May 2010
Written by Vittorio Leonardi.

Good evening.

The winds of incoherency, naivety and double talk were blowing long and hard from the maws of many a twit this week. It seems that sometimes the ash-launching, sky-darkening gusts billowing forth from Icelandic volcanoes pale in comparison to the utterances of those referred to worldwide as "our leaders." Then there were the brainstorms of people whose thoughts are so scary that we hope that they don't breed.

All this and more waits for you in the lines below so let's kick off with some local news.


Newly elected Gauteng ANC chairperson Paul Mashatile broke a new record this week in taking only a few moments to contradict himself. He stated that the ANC was the centre of power in the country.

"Our position is that there is only one centre... the ANC,"

He then followed it up with:

"Government is not a centre; government is a place where people are deployed to do ANC work."

There you have it folks, the ANC is the centre of power but since the government has no centre, it is merely a depot of sorts. Which then begs the question: Who the hell's driving the bus?

This does explain one thing. We now know why government buildings don't look like a donut. Because the government is not a centre, nor does it have a creamy coating or a chocolate filling. It runs on gravy.


Julius Malema was honoured last week. He was listed in Time Magazine's Least Influential People of 2010.

The magazine said: "Malema is just like Joe Biden - if instead of innocuous, silly slipups, Biden delivered violent, racist, misogynist rants. It got so bad, he's been censured by his party and convicted of hate speech. So he just said violent things about the party."

Yup, that's our guy alright, the one and only Designated Distraction Man. And he's in good company. Others included in the list are Russian president Dmitry Medvedev; Michael Jackson's doctor, Conrad Murray; Oprah Winfrey's fiancé Stedman Graham; Balloon Boy's mother, Mayumi Heene; and the president of the US Metric Association, Lorelle Young.

But when the ANC Youth League started barking, it wasn't about that. They were shocked at the ANC's confirmation in the media of a disciplinary hearing for DDM.

This is because the ANC previously said that "issues of discipline in the ANC belongs to structures of the ANC and are therefore not matters of the public or the media."

ANCYL mouthpiece Floyd Shivambu was heard to cry, "It is quite apparent that there is a certain level of inconsistency and non-compliance with ANC officials' directives and statements."

Now take a picture folks because it is a very rare occasion when one gets to bear witness to an over-statement of a fact that is so painfully obvious to the rest of us. The ruling party said one and then did another? You're kidding! Say it ain't so.

Well, allow me to make the introductions.

Floyd Shivambu? This is Reality. Reality? This is Floyd Shivambu. I know you've never met but I'm sure you'll get on famously.


On the court circuit, it seems the next round of "Who Wants To Be the Dishonest Guy?" got off to a flying start as the State prosecutor in the Jackie Selebi corruption trial was accused of siphoning off funds for informants. Prosecutor Gerrie Nel denied the claim stating that the reason the witness was testifying was simply to smear his reputation. While all this was going on, Jackie Selebi sat back quietly thinking "And you're prosecuting me? Hello pot, I'm kettle."


On Tuesday, the spokesperson for Police Commissioner General Bheki Cele stated that a media report in The Sowetan stating that 10 000 police officers were serving time in jail was untrue.

Oh good. *Whew*, he was misquoted. You had me worried there.

Yes. The truth is that only 1000 police officers are serving time in our jails.

Ah. I feel so much better.


But of the cops not in jail, some of them actually do their job. This was proven when police broke up a plot by white supremacists to plant and detonate bombs in townships. Well done gentlemen. But soon after, the double talk started.

Police Minister Nathi Mthethwa said that the extremists were not a threat to the state and would not disrupt the 2010 Soccer world Cup.

Oh, oh, I have a question.

Not to nitpick but, if they weren't a threat, why did you arrest them? Did they have that look about them? That look that says, "Send me to the holding cells, I need a severe botty plundering."?


Moving abroad...

The sky is falling! The sky is falling!! At least that's what it felt like at the Colosseum in Rome on Sunday morning. The structure decided to shed some poundage by shrugging off enough stone to cover a square metre. Italian authorities sprang into action saying, "Eh, is alright, nobody got whacked."

Tourist visits have continued as normal with the occasional shouts of, "Duck!!"

May I suggest, just to be on the safe side, the issuing of hardhats to all visitors? On the upside, they'll feel safer and those tourists coming to SA for the World Cup can save a few Rand and make their own fold-out cutaway headgear.

Elsewhere in Italy: Well, it was bound to happen. In response to the every widening circle of child abuse charges plaguing the Catholic Church, Italy just hosted its first divorce fair. Even the faithful are opting to be just good friends rather than run the risk of a tryst in the confessional. Experts say that for paedophile priests and troubled marriages, this has been a long time coming, so to speak.


France has decided to return the tattooed, mummified heads of Maori warriors to New Zealand centuries after they were brought to Europe. When asked why they were taken in the first place, an unnamed source said that the French wanted to be sure that New Zealand would never invade and so, took a few dozen hostages. When asked why they feared invasion from New Zealand, the French stated that after two world wars, they weren't taking any chances.


Hamas changed its tack this week, throwing its toys instead of suicide bombers. They're very upset that, after having written to President Barack Obama twice, he hasn't written back. Lads, it was just one night, let it go, he's never going to call.


The War on Pork struck another blow this past week as scientists in the mostly Muslim nation of Kazakhstan came up with a test that will instantly detect the presence of pork in meat.

From the nation that spawned Borat, comes new Pork Detection!! What's next? The Better Battle Burka?!


And finally... The Japanese can keep on eating dolphin despite the risk of mercury poisoning. That's not a typo, they actually eat dolphin. And whale. And after a series of tests run by the National Institute for Minamata Disease, the villagers of Taiji have been given the all clear to nosh away on our friend Flipper. This has raised the ire of Greenpeace who were hoping that the threat of death would get the omnivorous islanders to stop eating man's favourite Seaworld attraction.

It seems the islanders have a few flipper tricks of their own.

"Jump into the frying pan Flipper. *SIZZLE* Good dolphin! Or more accurately, "移動は、フライ パンにフリッパーパン。 *シズルは!*グッドイルカ !"


This concludes this week's edition of The Opening Monologue. See you next week and remember, you haven't heard it all till you've heard The Last Say On Sunday.

Goodbye.

Posted by vittorio at 07:14 PM | Comments (0)

May 19, 2010

The Opening Monologue - 19/05/2010

The Opening Monologue - Wednesday the 19th of May 2010
Written by Vittorio Leonardi.


Good evening.

Every now and then, the noisiest of the noisy err on the side of silence and peace reigns. At least for a while. But then they hit the comeback trail. They hit it so hard, in fact, that it should be filing assault charges at the local cop shop. Yes indeed, the ANC Youth League is back, with a vengeance. With them, is the one, the only Designated Distraction Man, Julius Malema. And suffice it to say, this monologue will be a brief chronicle of how these two entities tried to make up for lost time with some of their greatest incoherencies ever.

So let's swing away.

The ANC Youth League is going to go for military training... and the defence department thinks that's just dandy. In fact, Defence Minister Lindiwe Sisulu said she'll make the arrangements. Oh goodie. The cover story for this one is that they want national service brought back so that they can get the unemployed youth off the streets and learning "skills to equip them for the future." And what career would that be exactly? Cash-in-transit heists? So, in the fine tradition of Robert A. Heinlein's Starship Troopers, the ANC Youth League is looking for a few good stooges.

All this merry marching is going to start off in September so that'll give us all just enough time to think of the possible consequences of giving an emotionally unstable, naive collection of nitwits, knowledge of firearms and the training to use them.

Jacob Zuma sang "Bring me my machinegun."

DDM's again changed the lyrics. Julius' version goes "Bring me my machinegun... oh and a whole bunch for my friends too."


So now that they'll be taught to use guns, the next step is education. The ANC Youth League stated that it would wage a "mass political education campaign" against the ANC. This was after the vicious slap on the wrist doled out to Julius Malema. They said that they appreciate that some members of the ANC don't understand the autonomy of the youth league. They also understand that they may have to build an extra wing on their headquarters to house their collective ego.


But if education is the aim of their game then methinks they misfired with their latest ploy. The ANC Youth league launched their "one boyfriend, one girlfriend" campaign to discourage having multiple sexual partners. It was then that they realised that they had just indirectly damned the president. After removing their collective feet from their mouths, Youth League mouthpiece Floyd Shivambu tried to mend that bridge. And then seemed to do so by hitting it with a stray missile. He said:

"Our campaign is aimed at all cultures and all ages. We are not attacking President Zuma, we believe he is a responsible man. We don't want to be drawn into a debate where people think we are disrespecting him with our campaign, but it (the campaign) does apply to everyone."

So basically, you think he's in the wrong but not really. And remember kids, they said all ages. So all you 2 year-old pram pimp daddies, keep the peace and roll with only one coochie, coochie hoochie mamma.


Moving abroad - finally - to the land of Oz. It used to be that only acid trippers could claim that a large mouse tried to hump them while they were out for a stroll. But female joggers in the Honeymoon Ranges of Australia's Northern Territory have been learning to cover their rears. This is because of an amorous kangaroo that's been trying to get a bounce over on the local Sheilas. He even slugged a guy that tried to stop him getting some action. Local authorities stated that they wouldn't be taking any action against the randy macropod unless he continues trouble. They added that pogo stick smuggling isn't illegal in the Outback.


And finally... It seems people in the US are taking their right to freedom of speech very seriously. A range of Free Speech lawsuits filed in Philadelphia has accused the Pennsylvania State Police of wrongfully charging hundreds of people with disorderly conduct... for swearing. This is after several incidents where motorists hurled abuse at law enforcement lads.
It seems you've got to fight for your right to fling invectives at the law. According to the article, a state police spokesperson said the agency had no immediate response to the lawsuits. But that could be because their just a bunch of f******g c**ts!


This concludes this week's edition of The Opening Monologue. See you next week and remember, you haven't heard it all till you've heard The Last Say On Sunday.

Goodbye.

Posted by vittorio at 02:18 AM | Comments (0)

May 25, 2010

The Opening Monologue - 25/05/2010

The Opening Monologue - Tuesday the 25th of May 2010
Written by Vittorio Leonardi.


Good evening.

There's a whole lot of positivity in the air. The big day is almost here. World Cup, here we come!! Unfortunately, the universe always seeks balance and that might explain why some special nutters have been documented crawling out of the woodwork. These are their stories.

But first, the good vibrations.


The World Cup is almost upon us and every day you can feel a quiet optimism growing in our generally cynical population as the event draws near. But with all this positivity in the air, why then has the event brought out the Gestapo in our government? You don't have to be a social worker to see that in and around our cities and stadia, the streets are being emptied out in preparation for the coming masses.

Incidentally, I love that word - Stadia - it sounds like "stayed here" as in "The homeless stayed here." Coincidence? Who knows?

Anyway.

The homeless are vanishing and prostitutes are being left pimp-less. And what of the rights of the relocated? Well, they've been given a yellow card. The powers that B.E.E. have decided to do the Beijing Shuffle. That's when you round up all the undesirables that remind you of what a great job your social development department is doing, and you dump them elsewhere. They get sent to shelters and you leave them there and pray that they don't find their way back. This was the technique employed by the Chinese during the Beijing Olympics and boy, does it work.

Well, that's the eyesore of the unsought sorted. Now for some honesty.

Eskom was kind enough to tell the truth a week ago. They finally admitted what we all feared. There is a slight chance, just a smidgen of a possibility, that there won't be enough power to go around during the World Cup. Is anyone even surprised anymore? It's gotten so that when these people tell the truth I think it actually causes them pain, much like a plot would hurt the writers of the Twilight films.

So what are we to do? Well, if worse comes to worst, everyone can only have their TV and one light switched on.

Now, at the risk of committing sporting blasphemy, I'd like to pose a question: What about the people that don't care about the World Cup? What about those poor sods that want to sit back and watch an episode of Hannah Montana? Do they get different rules?

"Well, you have no lights on so you can run your pc, but if that geyser switches on, you're in big trouble."

Moving further north, Malawi has decided that it can swing both ways, when, in one deft stroke, it convicted a recently engaged gay couple of unnatural acts and gross indecency. Malawi's church leaders backed the decision saying that homosexuality is "sinful" and that the West shouldn't be allowed to use its financial power to force the country to accept homosexuality. This might have something to do with the fact that Malawi relies on donors for 40% of its development budget. The laws used to convict Malawi's first openly gay couple were drafted in 1940 when Malawi was still a colony even though these laws are in direct contradiction with their 1994 constitution. Clearly, they've come a long way since then. They're free, using colonialist law and getting money from outsiders. Another fine case of:

"Please sir, can we have some more? But don't you dare tell us how to spend it, you vile colonialists!!

As to the judge, well, he was only following the Letter of the Law. And the church is only preaching the Word of God as they see it.

However, if they'd bother to look closer, they'd notice that the law has many letters, and religion has many words. And if they'd bother to see, they'd notice that those letters and words conceal a very important ideal.

It's called Tolerance.


Speaking of religious insanity, President Barack Obama's former minister, the Reverend Jeremiah Wright, has said he's "toxic" to the Obama administration and that the president "threw him under the bus."

This is the same reverend Obama cut ties with two years ago after certain inflammatory sermons surfaced during Obama's election 2008 campaign.

Other gems from the fervent preacher include:

*In reference to Obama's failure to send a US delegation to the 2009 World Conference on Racism because it would've offended Jews and Israel.

"Them Jews ain't going to let him talk to me. I told my baby daughter that he'll talk to me in five years when he's a lame duck, or in eight years when he's out of office,"

"They will not let him to talk to somebody who calls a spade what it is. ...I said from the beginning: He's a politician; I'm a pastor. He's got to do what politicians do."

"Ethnic cleansing is going on in Gaza. Ethnic cleansing [by] the Zionist is a sin and a crime against humanity, and they don't want Barack talking like that because that's anti-Israel."

And also

"God damn America."

He has also accused America of creating AIDS.

You know, I can't see a reason why this guy shouldn't be around the president. He sounds as stable as most of the non-incendiary Al-Qaeda operatives I've seen on TV. So let's keep him around, if only to scare the radicals. With any luck, Obama's crazy man will scare Al-Qaeda's crazy men away.


Staying with the Middle East, excavators clearing ground for a new building have dug up over 1000 skeletons from a Muslim cemetery.

But wait, there's more.

The site they were clearing was to be the home for a museum dedicated to tolerance in Jerusalem. Well, heck guys, you're off to a great start.

And there is the more pressing matter that no one seems to be focussing on. Haven't these guys watched The Curse or Poltergeist? Bad things happen when you build on a burial ground. And what are they going to do if the building gets haunted by fundamentalist ghosts? Mind you, that problem should sort itself out.

"BOOOOOO-" BANG!!


And finally... it used to be acceptable that when a child misbehaved, they were sent to bed with no supper. However there are always going to be those that take it a bridge to far. Three cult members in Baltimore proved this when they starved a toddler to death.

The reason: He wouldn't say "Amen" after meals.

But wait, there's more.

The child's mother, 23-year-old Ria Ramkissoon, is already in a residential treatment programme for young women as part of an unusual plea bargain in which her plea will be withdrawn if the child is resurrected.

So she's free if her kid becomes a zombie.

I somehow doubt that's going to happen since the body of the toddler, Javon Thompson, was found in a suitcase in Philadelphia in 2008, more than a year after his death in Baltimore.

There is no word yet on whether the accused are going with the "Death by Lost Luggage" defence.


This concludes this week's edition of The Opening Monologue. See you next week and remember, you haven't heard it all till you've heard The Last Say On Sunday.

Goodbye.

Posted by vittorio at 05:28 PM | Comments (0)

June 01, 2010

The Opening Monologue - 01/06/2010

The Opening Monologue - Tuesday the 1st of June 2010
Written by Vittorio Leonardi.


Good evening.

The ruling party has been in fine form this past week: Witchcraft, superstition, jiggery-pokery, and the destruction of several informal throne rooms were all part of their repertoire this past week as the chains of logic were unlocked and a general state of psychosis swept the collective brainwaves of a party heading for early onset senility. In short, there was much poo being thrown around

Meanwhile, on the other side of the globe, two icons, one of film, the other of TV, were lost to The Reaper last week. Dennis Hopper (74), the original Easy Rider, died due to complications from prostate cancer. And Gary Coleman (42), the diminutive child star of Diff'rent Strokes fame, died after falling, hitting his head and suffering an epidural haematoma (a build up of blood on the brain causing pressure).

They will be missed. And as one looks out at the field of shenanigans going on this week, there are times I think Gary is looking down at us saying, "What'choo talkin' 'bout, Jacob?"

So let's kick off with our president.

Anyone trying to leave the ANC will feel the wrath of the ancestors. This was a message not from a sangoma or even the ANC Youth League. Believe it or not, this fine example of superstitious mumbo-jumbo was uttered by our own president, Jacob Zuma. He was the guest speaker at a recruitment campaign at the Kamlushwa Stadium in Mpumalanga. Apparently he was asked to inform the crowd of 30 000 rural people that lunch was soon be served and got a little carried away.

His warnings included such pearls as:

"The ANC will exist forever. If you try to harm the party, the ancestors will expose you."

Regarding COPE:

"The ancestors are making them sick. Such groups will never be able to exist outside the ANC; they will die."

So just to clarify, all the ancestors are ANC supporters and if you walk out on the ANC, the ancestors will pull your pants down, expose you and kill you. Interesting... So are we to assume that they are using a quick-acting ghostly AIDS virus? But what if, for arguments sake, that some of the ancestors are affiliated to the IFP and PAC. Do they also get to smite certain floor-crossing non-believers or are they exempt from the joys of ectoplasmic sodomy and murder?

All attempts to reach the ancestors on the Presidential Ouija Board Hotline proved unsuccessful.


Speaking of the IFP, the IFP Youth Brigade - the group presumably created to put out burning IFP members - recently stated that Julius Malema is the "only factory fault among us."

They had decided to hit back after certain comments made by Malema about IFP President Mangosuthu Buthelezi.

"His behaviour is not only un-African, but crude by the standards of any culture, which makes him the only factory fault amongst us. While we find it flattering that Mr Malema would devote some of his time to the IFP at an ANC Youth League conference, we want to remind him that we are of the opinion that he is nothing more than an ill-bred brat with verbal diarrhoea." IFPYB chairperson Lebenya-Ntanzi said.

Daaaaamn!! Pwned dude!


However, Julius Malema had nothing to say. This wasn't due to a much hoped for case of laryngitis. He was far too busy defending his recent actions in an interview with the BBC. According to the interview, Julius doesn't feel betrayed by the ANC or JZ for getting that quaint slap on the wrist a while back. He is still to attend any of the anger management classes he was ordered to.

Zuma "whipped the youth into line" whenever he saw "anything wrong", Malema told the BBC.

However, Malema also refused to admit he had done anything wrong.

He then followed this statement with the usual script about the emancipation of blacks and Africans (which seem to be two different groups in his mind) and that land reform must be democratic. Let us not forget, an angry mob can democratically vote to pull a Zimbabwe on ones farm.

After he gave this rousing pile of rhetoric, he got into his luxury sedan, drove past 12 homeless people to his poverty-stricken, utilitarian mansion. Designated Distraction Man's struggle against poverty continues.


In a similar vein, the ANC Youth League in the Western Cape decided it was time for the shit to hit the fan. Last Tuesday, the Youth League called on it's to vandalise the City of Cape Town over poor service delivery.

Turnabout is definitely fair point at this point. If large chunks of Gauteng could be set ablaze because the ANC wasn't doing its job then it's only fair that the same should be done to the Cape.

A kind of equal opportunity apathy drive.

"We are going to destroy everything and make the city ungovernable," ANCYL Dullah Omar region secretary Loyiso Nkohla said.

"We are calling on all youth to do this [vandalise the city], especially those living in informal settlements."

The youth league members then went about tearing down corrugated iron toilet enclosures that had just been built by the city. That'll show 'em.

*Note: Youth league boss fellas would later pull a Donald Rumsfeld by saying that no such statements were made despite there being proof of said statements.

It should be noted that most of the time, the reason politicians don't appear on the television to give these statements is that they do not wish to have their verbal defecation caught on camera. As we all know, there's nothing worse than a poo pie exploding from your pie-hole when you're giving an impassioned speech.

The Youth League did set a landmark president in being the first group to use the word shit when talking to a government minister in a formal letter.

The ANCYL Dullah Omar branch had written an open letter to Human Settlements Minister Tokyo Sexwale asking him to intervene in the toilet debacle. (Why is it always a debacle?)

"Our complaint is based on the reality that African people residing in Makhaza, Khayelitsha, are forced to shit in full view of the public,"

And he's right. Usually you have to pay extra for that kind of action.


Moving much further afield, bank robbers in the German village of Malliss had to flee empty handed and ears bleeding after they managed to blow up every part of the bank... except where the money was.

They blew off the roof of the bank and damaged buildings and cars in a 100 metre radius. But among the debris, the untouched cash machine was clearly visible

"The explosion was so big, they had to run away without the money," said local police spokesman Niels Borgmann. "Something evidently didn't work the way the robbers wanted it to."

Clearly they didn't follow the rules learned from Michael Caine in The Italian Job.

"You're only supposed to blow the bloody doors off!!"


Meanwhile, in Paris, Venus Williams decided to strut her butt in an outfit that looked like a reject from The Moulin Rouge. Crowds at The French Open got to see Williams in a black lace corset with tight, skin-coloured underwear that left a few patrons dialing for their therapists.

Regarding the outfit Williams said, "It's really about the illusion. Like you can wear lace, but what's the point of wearing lace when there's just black under,"

"The illusion of just having bare skin is definitely for me a lot more beautiful. So it's really not about anything else other than just that skin showing."

"I try to represent what I think my personality is on the court." she said.

So clearly, this week her on-court personality is "Skank." One wonders if her coach took the bait and came dressed as her pimp.


And finally... An unstable workforce can show itself in several ways. They can go on strike, show decreased productivity or in the case of Taiwan's Hon Hai Precision Industry's Foxconn facility, your workers can kill themselves. Ten workers have committed suicide to protest over poor wages at the plant.

According to management, the workers' wages are now set to be raised by 20%. They just aren't sure when.

"It may help the suicide situation, because we workers just need money and the financial pressure on us is great," said a Foxconn employee surnamed Wang, reached by telephone at the company's factory in Longhua, an industrial town north of Shenzhen. "Every little bit helps."

It's a shame our own workforce lacks the same dedication. The next time you see striking workers, don't be surprised if you hear management scream:

"La, la, la, la! You haven't killed yourselves! We're not listening! La, la, la!"

This concludes this week's edition of The Opening Monologue. See you next week and remember, you haven't heard it all till you've heard The Last Say On Sunday.

Goodbye.

Posted by vittorio at 08:24 PM | Comments (0)

June 08, 2010

The Opening Monologue - 08/06/2010

The Opening Monologue - Tuesday the 8th of June 2010
Written by Vittorio Leonardi.

Good evening.

Last week proved, once again, that the universe will always seek balance. One force will push in the direction of the positive and another will push in the direction of the negative. However, perception always seems to give the impression that the down low pushes far harder than the upbeat. Simply put, as the joy of the World Cup begins to peak, so sags the elaborate machine called Government.

With so much up and down, it comes as no surprise that President JZ is expecting another heir. Some might say that that's a poor choice of words. And you're right. Why on earth would anyone declare themselves president for life and rule a nation as their own kingdom. Mr. Mugabe, any thoughts?

All these tales and more in this week's edition of The Opening Monologue with our first salvo aimed at The Police.

When the gun amnesty came into being, gun nuts nationwide lamented the loss of their trusted Betsy or faithful Painless. How were their kids going to learn gun safety if the grown-ups couldn't leave their weapons lying around for the tykes to blow their faces off with? Well, never fear, the police are here. To show solidarity with the legions of gun-slinging, bullet jockeys across the nation, the cops have been losing their guns too. For the last two years the cops have either lost, had stolen and unofficially sold off around 5 300 firearms. 565 of them have been recovered, conveniently, in the hands of criminals. There is also a slight possibility that some of them were destroyed with the 80 000+ confiscated weapons taken in the amnesty. Oh well, at least they're out of circulation. Whew, thats a load off my mind.

Police Minister Nathi Mthethwa stated that there will be the obligatory investigation into the matter. Hopefully, it will be led by honest cops. Yup, all four of them. They have them on 4-hour shifts so it works out.


Speaking of pointless gestures, Cosathu has threatened to leave its alliance with the ANC if the ruling party persists with bringing disciplinary charges against its leader Zwelinzima Vavi. It seems Vavi ruffled many a preened political tail feather by saying that ANC senior members were using their political connections to get rich.

Clearly, he didn't get the memo.

He also accused co-operative governance minister Sicelo Shiceka of inflating his CV credentials and Communications Minister Siphiwe Nyanda of running up unjustified hotel bills of R500 000. You might remember that Vavi was the man who called for lifestyle audits of high-ranking officials a while back. Apparently once the ANC big wigs were done rolling about on the floor, they picked themselves up, dusted themselves off and said "How about no."

I think somebody's just discovered that all that hoopla about equality for the workers was just window dressing for votes.

Cosathu, having backed the JZ election train, reiterated that they'd like the president to do more for workers, shift policy to the left and do more for the poor. They then asked the ANC to stop laughing as it was very unprofessional.


On the subject of laughter. Eskom, the beleaguered, broke, destitute national electricity supplier, is laughing all the way to the bank. They just posted a profit. No, that's not a typo. Eskom, who were mewling more than a stuck pig at dinner time that they were sans funds, just posted a profit of R3.6 billion. Did I miss something? Didn't these jizz stains say they were broke? Or did they do what one does when they're on a blind date that's going south and the bill comes? They stuck us with the cheque as they scampered out the bathroom window.

They claim that after re-negotiating derivative contracts, they freed up R4.6 billion in liabilities. This, coupled with the country paying through the nose for electricity meant they now have cash again.

Acting Eskom chairperson and CEO Mpho Makwana said Eskom was now on a strong path to recovery.

"Last year we made a commitment to break even this year. We have bettered that," said Makwana.

"South Africa can now take solace in the knowledge that Eskom is less of a burden and returning to the jewel in the SA crown it was once was."

Tell you what Mpho, we'll take solace in Eskom when you drop our rates. And stop laughing. It's very unprofessional.


Picking up speed, the first phase of The Gautrain has been opened. And almost immediately, tourism minister Jeff Radebe was struck by foot in mouth disease as he unleashed this pearl about the effect this new technological marvel would have on the populace.

It would reduce single-vehicle occupancy, pollution and gridlock, by getting people to travel en-masse, "cut away" the individualism of the past and, at the same time" unleash national pride", he said in Midrand last week Saturday night.

And he was doing so well. Cut away individualism, huh? Isn't that sweet? How fascist of you, Jeff.


And speaking of that delightful system of government. Up north, Malawi's president Bingu wa Mutharika has asked his ultra-homophobic country to stop referring to a gay couple's wedding as "satanic" after he pardoned their 14-year prison sentence for sodomy.

And he should've just left it there but then he got that foot and mouth disease that's doing the rounds. His statements on the matter included:

"The story ends there... I don't want to hear anyone commenting on them. Nobody is authorised to comment on the gays. You will spoil things,"

He said the gay couple's wedding was "satanic because they committed a crime against our culture, against our religion and against our laws".

"I am looking at donors now... what will they say about the pardon," Mutharika said.

Donors bankroll more than half of the country's development budget.

"Is it possible to stop aid to Malawi because of two people who are insane?" he asked.

Mutharika said he had pardoned them because "to err is human and to forgive is divine".

Wow. Julius, is this your daddy?


Meanwhile, elsewhere on the planet... It's one thing to lose your keys, or your phone. But, the state of Denver in the US has taken it to a whole new level.

They lost a piece of The Moon. Yup, they misplaced a piece of the big glowy thing in the sky.

The state was given Moon rocks back in 1974 - worth about $5 million on the black market - and now they can't find them. Few even realised they existed till a student began searching for them for an assignment.

Another set of moon rocks collected in 1969 was found in storage at the state history museum about a decade ago. They are now on display on the third floor of the state Capitol.

Neither the history museum nor the Denver Museum of Nature & Science has the second set of rocks and the governor's office doesn't know where they are, The Denver Post reports.

Oh really? Has the governor checked the space between his ears? It's a piece of the Moon you twit! One does not treat it as a paper weight!!


And Finally... Lauren Rosenberg, a citizen of the state of Utah, USA, has filed a $100 000 lawsuit. That's nothing new from the litigation nation. However, her reasoning for the lawsuit is what nets her my "And Finally" mention. Her lawsuit is against Google. She claims Google Maps supplied her with bad directions that got her run over.

She asked Google Maps for walking directions which she downloaded to her Blackberry. The route supplied to her led her to walk through Park City, on a road without pavements. Now, up until this point she has a claim. However, knowing full well that the road was dangerous to pedestrians, she used it anyway and was then flabbergasted to find herself airborne on a car's bumper.

Gee, what are the odds?

I have no doubt that she'll win her case. But, one has to wonder if there's a penalty for being stupid in the state of Utah. Surely bringing such a law onto the books would limit the number of frivolous lawsuits filed. Who knows? Perhaps it was the fault of all that moon rock in her head.


This concludes this week's edition of The Opening Monologue. See you next week and remember, you haven't heard it all till you've heard The Last Say On Sunday.

Goodbye.

Posted by vittorio at 07:54 PM | Comments (0)

June 15, 2010

The Opening Monologue - 15/06/2010

The Opening Monologue - Tuesday the 15th of June 2010
Written by Vittorio Leonardi.


Good evening.

The world cup has kicked off, momentary deafness has set in but the world just keeps on turning. Believe it or not, non-football related nonsense continues to happen worldwide without a hint of stopping. These stories await you below.

So, let's let the chips fall where they may because tomorrow's the maid's day off here on The Opening Monologue!


According to President Jacob Zuma, he should not be susceptible to prosecution as this will hamper him in doing his job. This comes after the DA once again tried to find out why the National Prosecuting Authority dropped its case against him. One would think that JZ would welcome the time off. Why not have him investigated post World Cup? While the investigation goes on, he can endeavour to discover who was putting it to one of his own harem. Recent claims say it was the chauffeur. Apparently he needed help operating his stick shift. One can see why the office of the president initially tried to keep that story under wraps As we all know, polygamy is fine, it's sleeping around is just wrong. And with the help? As if!


Julius Malema is afraid that the ANC Youth League has been infiltrated. Unconfirmed reports say that certain members of the youth league have become capable of critical thinking and such open mindedness is simply not welcome. Julius didn't say who the infiltrators were. However, he did say that their mission was to destroy the youth league and, by extension, the ANC itself. These "people" had an agenda against JZ and they were also attempting to ensure that there was a "gap" between the youth league and the parent body. That gap is called thinking. At the mere mention of the word, there was much booing from the gathered crowd and a few members even fainted.

And proof of this sinister "agenda" showed itself recently when a Rustenburg farmer laid a charge of inciting genocide against Designated Distraction Man, Julius Malema. The difference? He's laid the charge at The International Criminal Court in The Hague. The charge reads that by singing "Kill the Boer" Julius was inciting his followers to commit genocide. The youth league said that that was a great big pile of poo. In an unrelated story, Julius Malema is now singing his revised song entitled "Kiss the Boer".


There was no direct evidence that former AWB leader Eugene Terre'Blanche was murdered, the Ventersdorp Magistrate's court heard last Thursday. The defence claimed that the accused, Chris Mahlangu, had acted merely in self defence. Well, either that or Eugene simply beat himself to death. Who knew the man was so talented? A natural leader, farmer, horseman and now, head-banger.


Vuvuzelas are more dangerous than chainsaws, at least to your hearing. This is according to hearing-aid manufacturer, Phonak. Whew, that's a relief. For a second there I thought there would be a spate of slasher films filled with deranged madmen, wearing hockey masks and brandishing vuvuzelas. Unconfirmed reports say that even though Phonak stands to benefit from large scale deafness caused by the instruments, the group thought it should spread the word. That way, later on when we're all saying "Huh?" they can sign "We told you so!"


And speaking of nutters, about 10 Argentine football hooligans, bent on causing all sorts of problems during the footie, were sent packing upon their arrival at OR Tambo airport last week. The police said, "We don't want crazy hellraisers in our city; we have enough of our own, thank you!"


A homeless man sleeping in the bushes at the Suncoast Casino in Durban died when a driver lost control of his vehicle, went through the casino fence and said bushes and came to rest in the casino parking lot. There is as yet no word on whether that means the homeless man won the car. Unofficial reports claim that the man's last words were "G.T.AAAAAIE!!"


Internationally, Steven Segal has offered his expertise as a Hollywood action star in training Costa Rica's Federal Police force. He will be hosting his hit seminar entitled "No Expression - Because why should you act when you're punching someone?" and also the sequel "No Expression 2: The Keanu Reeves Effect"


Staying with all arts martial, Jet Li is planning on filming his first non-martial arts movie later this year. In the film, Li will play an aquarium worker who cares for his autistic son. The film is called Ocean Heaven. There are unconfirmed reports that originally, the film was just another action binge. Apparently, during a fight scene, Li beat his co-star into autism for mocking his acting style. Li allegedly became enraged, pummelling his fellow actor, shouting "I studied acting at the Steven Segal No Expression seminar! How dare you besmirch my honourable sensei's teachings?!!"


Staying with those saddled with a god complex, Police in The Philippines have dug up cocaine on the coast of a central island to the value of $1 million. The cache is part of a much larger stash of Peruvian Marching Powder that was dumped by an unknown South American Drug Cartel. The cartel dumped the stash because they thought they were being watched.

Hmmm... Cocaine and paranoia? Say it ain't so!!

Apparently the police were tipped off to the find when several islanders were observed wrestling sharks shouting "It's my ocean! They built it for me!!"


Elsewhere in the Far East, a high school student in Bangkok has found a novel way to deal with his stress. He burned his school down. Or tried to. He failed at that too. The boy was stressed out by the pressure laid upon him to excel so in an attempt to get sent back home he decided to prepare Boarding School Flambé for his cooking class. The school was overcooked in some places but underdone in others. Oh well, there's always the ladyboy option. Luckily, he's in the right city. Like the Navy says: "In Bangkok, there is no wrong hole."


And finally... The running for World Cup Dumbass is really hotting up with the Argentine 10 in with a firm chance.

Not to be outdone there was the Aussie who has no sense of direction. He passed out drunk in the driveway of a Johannesburg politician. He was wearing typical winter gear for idiots - t-shirt, shorts and flip-flops. When woken up, half-frozen, he thought he was in Cape Town. Who's the drunkest fan now, hey?

But the current favourite has to be The Specialist. Last Monday, an alleged robber sought refuge after a botched crime, and so, ran straight into Parliament to hide. The week of the World Cup, when every cop and his cousin were on duty, he tried to enter the basement of 90 Plein Street. Brandishing a gun, in a panic and suffering from a leg wound, he was quite the sight. A dozen police cars popped by to observe the show and after a few laughs, and an occasional poke with a stick, they carried him to the waiting ambulance. And that's why he's The Specialist. No one but he was that special.


This concludes this week's edition of The Opening Monologue. See you next week and remember, you haven't heard it all till you've heard The Last Say On Sunday.

Goodbye.

Posted by vittorio at 09:00 PM | Comments (0)

June 22, 2010

The Opening Monologue - 22/06/2010

The Opening Monologue - Tuesday the 22nd of June 2010
Written by Vittorio Leonardi.


Good evening.

The wheels on the bus go round and round and if you look real close you'll get to see the gears, cogs and pistons churning away to the music of the world. And every now and then, you'll get to see as glitch in the machine. Sometimes small, sometimes gargantuan, but always, entertaining. Especially if your view of the world is somewhat skewed. For those of you with a view askew, here comes a highlights reel of the week that was.

June 16th - commemorating the Soweto Uprisings - came to us on the coattails of an all encompassing World Cup event. But this didn't stop the powers that be from remembering past events. But as is sometimes the way of these things, someone has to put their foot in it. President Jacob Zuma marked Youth Day by putting his foot in his mouth, if ever so briefly. He dropped this gem:

"It is still baffling as to why someone would torch down a clinic because they do not have a school or destroy a library because the water taps have run dry,"
said Zuma in a speech prepared for delivery on Youth Day in Thulamahashe, Mpumalanga last Wednesday.

Well, and this is just a guess, could it be that people have just heard one vuvuzela blast too many and need to vent? I doubt it has anything to do with poor service delivery or a lack of facilities. It also has nothing to do with the slew of government officials that seem to have permanent poop factories installed where their mouths should be.


However, all is not lost. Minister of Human Settlements, Tokyo Sexwale, just realised that there might be a small corruption problem in the government housing department. Huzzah!! As such, he has ordered a national audit to try rein in housing beneficiaries illegally selling their properties. Sexwale did cover his own tail early on by stating that the tracing of these people would be difficult since they have the sense to behave in a fraudulent way. Tsk, tsk, how are the police to do their job if they leave them no clues? Here's a thought. When you sell a property, you get cash and lots of it. Therefore, look for the minister wearing a smug grin, singing "I Shot the Sheriff" and I'm guessing you'll have your man.


Staying with crime, Police Chief Bheki Cele has accused foreigners of taking advantage of the country's rampant crime to commit crimes of their own. Unconfirmed reports say that the local market is saturated and doesn't need any further stimulus. One former hijacker said:

"It's getting so that there's a queue of hijackers for every car. And some tourists only want to get hijacked in their own language. I'm forced to be a street mime on William Nicol in my off duty hours, just to make ends meet."


In World Cup news this week: An earthquake measuring 4.3 on The Richter Scale struck the West Rand last Monday afternoon. FIFA was quick to say that it had nothing to do with noise from vuvuzelas and that the tremor was in no way related to the current strike season occurring in Durban. Unconfirmed reports say that the quake might have been caused by Eskom moving its Bonus Wallet around. But the wallet is soon to lose a ton of weight - R9.6 million worth - as Eskom pays its top brass performance shares. When unions asked why they weren't getting their requested 18% wage increase, Eskom's board of directors had to be rushed to hospital suffering from laugh-induced asthma.


Dumb comment of the week goes to the Gauteng Health Department. According to them, the resignation of 17 doctors from the Leratong Hospital is not a crisis. Neither, apparently, was the fact that there were 29 vacancies for doctors and 52 vacancies for nurses at the World Cup designated hospital. For this reason, all injured hooligans will be ferried there so that they can receive the proper care they deserve.


A man in Newcastle has proved that sometimes the universe just doesn't like you. He tried to shoot himself with a .22 calibre pistol while sitting in his car. The round lodged in his head. He then got out of his car, attempted to cross the street and was hit by a truck. Thus proving once again, when you can't do something alone, someone's always willing to help.


According to Vaxispace Produksies, their porn film "Amore" has nothing to do with Amor Vittone and Joost Van der Westhuizen. That hasn't stopped the estranged couple from trying to stop the film's release. The plot of the film is totally generic: it's about a couple whose marriage ends after the husband is secretly filmed having sex with a dancer. The man is blackmailed and refuses to pay and the video is then leaked to the media and the story makes headlines. See? Everyone can relax. There are no similarities at all. The most compelling evidence is the title. Just because it sounds the same as your name, Amor, it doesn't mean they're talking about you. Besides, there are no lines in this film.


Moving abroad, Columbian soldiers have rescued 3 hostages that have been held by rebels for 12 years. When asked why it took so long to free them, it was revealed that some joker switched their battle coke with weed and it took a while to get out of the barracks.


Sri Lanka's quota of stupid people has dropped by 15 in the last six months. This after their cellphones led to their deaths. How, you may ask? They were walking on train tracks at the time of their conversations and failed to hear the train coming. One witness said that he heard a victim saying that he was going into a tunnel and would call right back. He didn't.


Japan says it will quit the International Whaling Commission if they aren't allowed to perform research on whales with their harpoons. Head of the Japanese delegation said that no one in Japan likes guns anymore so in an attempt to defend against the possible onslaught of super-sized Americans, they'd like to practice on whales.

"It is an unfortunate side effect that the harpoons kill the whale. Unfortunate, but very tasty, especially with soy sauce."

The IWC is weighing up the possibility of a 50/50 agreement: For every whale killed, a group of Japanese children of equal weight must be harpooned. The Japanese delegation was far from happy with this prospect stating:

"This is unacceptable. We don't eat children. Yet."


The Pope has praised his priests for being a "gift" to the church and the world. At the same time, The Vatican could neither confirm nor deny that the pontiff had started dropping acid. Apparently, his delusions started after seeing a documentary where a priest was filmed making a pass at an actor.

The actor posed as a young parishioner asking for guidance regarding his homosexual tendencies. The priest allegedly made advances to the actor telling the young man that he too, in the past, had homosexual experiences. And then the priest tried to get some tongue. Upon confronting him, the priest offered this pearl:

"I perhaps exaggerated... without realising it," the priest said, adding that he was trying to help the young man. Indeed, out of his pants maybe?

Elsewhere in Rome, an octogenarian former priest admired throughout Italy for his work against drug and alcohol addiction faces charges of molesting children. It is unconfirmed whether he used sodomy as a deterrent.


Across the pond, some deity has been fooling around with the weather cannon again. This was proven when a six-story tall statue of Jesus with his arms raised was struck by lightning and burned to the ground in Monroe, Ohio. Nicknamed "Touchdown Jesus" by the locals, the statue - made from plastic foam and fibreglass mounted on a steel frame - was no match for Mother Nature's field goal. The keepers of the Christ the Redeemer statue in Brazil called to say that perhaps concrete and soapstone may have been a better choice of building material, and that this was in no way a sign of who God supports in soccer.


Researchers in Singapore have shown that while a maggot is feasting on your rotting flesh, it's a good thing if the larva farts on you since the expelled gas has anti-biotic properties. Discovery Health said that the maggot therapy is already covered by their scheme and the maggot farts are currently widely used in their ad campaigns.


And finally... the Providence, Rhode Island school system has proved that the term Ass Hat can indeed be earned when a school cited its no-weapons policy in stopping a second grade pupil from wearing a patriotic hat he made to honour US Troops.

The reason: the camouflage hat emblazoned with an American flag was decorated with small army figures. The school decided that the hat was inappropriate because it had guns on it.

America, you have officially lost your damn minds. Al-Qaeda doesn't need to render you immobile through fear. You're doing their job for them, you Ass Hats!


This concludes this week's edition of The Opening Monologue. See you next week and remember, you haven't heard it all till you've heard The Last Say On Sunday.

Goodbye.

Posted by vittorio at 08:04 PM | Comments (0)

June 29, 2010

The Opening Monologue - 29/06/2010

The Opening Monologue - Tuesday the 29th of June 2010
Written by Vittorio Leonardi.


Good evening.

This past week, our nation's World Cup Soccer madness continued to build, as teams reached the start of the elimination round. And if you're looking for information on that tournament here, you'd be in the wrong place, for there are many other sad, crazy and wondrous still going on in the world.

And the best part?

They have nothing to do with grown men being paid vast sums to play a child's game.

So let's let the healing begin as I show you that there are crazier people in this world than you've already had the pleasure of meeting.

The Hawks a.k.a. The Scorpions v2.0, will in future, face random integrity tests to prove that they are honest. These tests are to include being offered bribes and being offered opportunities to act unethically. But wait, there's more. They will also have random compulsory drug screening and lie detector testing to prove their ongoing integrity.

The Roman poet Juvenal once wrote "Who will guard the guards themselves?"

A phrase more commonly known as "Who watches the watchmen?"

I'd like to take it one step further: "Who moderates the moderators?"

When asked why this system why government officials were not subjected to these rigours of honesty, a spokesperson for the Hawks said:

"Don't be stupid. If we did that, who would we arrest?"


It's finally happened! A SA tabloid has finally joined the global sleaze brigade by being censured over a story. Not for its poor taste but for not telling everyone that the pictures were staged. The Daily Voice ran a story about poor Cape Flats residents that were eating animals to survive. The outcry came when some people thought that the pictures were real. Psychologists have since been dispatched to these poor souls that thought there was truth to be had in a tabloid.

And what was the title of this aggravating article?

"I eat pussy to survive. These hungry Flats mense will kill, cook and chow your pets."

Mmmm. Very tasteful.

Believe it or not, you can't publish pictures of a man about to bite a cat without getting people upset. Who'da thunk it? However, the SPCA was at a loss to explain how, after the story's publication, a truck filled with Yorkshire Terriers arrived with the gift card that read: "Enjoy."


Our government has a plan to boost the economy and provide more jobs. The only stumbling block: Lower wages. It makes sense that if you pay less to some, then it frees up funds to create work. I'm good with that. At this point, I nominate the boss fellas of Eskom that just got paid a R1 million bonus and also, any government member that have spent more than the GDP of Sierra Leone on a new car. Gentlemen, if you lead by example, we'll happily push you off that cliff.

Another idea on the government table is the introduction of mandatory third party insurance for all road users. It seems that about 70% of SA road users are driving without insurance.
Here's a thought: What say we make sure the license and registration on every car is legal before we worry about insurance. Besides, playing bumper cars is the national weekend sport, second only to drinking and Rugby.


Speaking of sport, a local Metro Policeman is busy learning one of the hard lessons of hosting a major sporting event. If you want to make money out of the tourists, you can't charge exorbitant rates. An American soccer fan reminded him of this by laying a charge of attempted bribery against him. Apparently the greedy public servant wanted a R1000 bribe, well over the usually negotiated rate of a Coke, KFC or whatever you had in your boot.


Staying with America, the US military is closing its bases in Germany. It would seem that after 65 years, the Allies are pretty sure that Hitler is dead and that Germany will not re-offend, thus proving that forced occupation does work. And speaking of invading forces, it would seem that opium use has doubled in Afghanistan since 2005. This has both concerned and frightened Coalition forces in the beleaguered nation.

"Drug trafficking finances terrorism. We can't allow that to happen since we need the money to fund our own wars of freedom."

When asked about the best way forward, a spokesman for Coalition Forces said:

"We're planning on dropping drugs on insurgence as this will make them stand still and easier to hit. We can't sell what's already been smoked."

The UN report that showed these findings says it can't find any concrete for the surge in drug. It also re-iterated that it had nothing to do with the suicide bombings and gunfire plaguing the region.


It's official, North Korea has gas. At least these were the findings after a scan of the air by South Korean forces at the border between the two nations. The scans became necessary after the North claimed they had successfully performed a nuclear fusion reaction. The South thought that, as usual, the Dear Leader was, again, being full of it. But this time, the air was stained with Xenon gas, the tang of destruction.

"North Korea has gas alright, and it smells of Xenon." Said one border guard. When asked to describe the smell, he said "Tangy, with a hint of Kaboom."


This week marked the anniversary of the passing of Michael Jackson. Fans worldwide marked the occasion in their own way remembering their icon. Latoya Jackson was no exception. In an interview she intimated that MJ was murdered for his discography because the powers that be knew he was worth more dead than alive. This, coming from the person whom some thought was MJ at one point.

Later on, some pundits were heard to say, "It's a pity Latoya doesn't have a discography."


Oh how soon some people forget. Indian filmmakers seem to have forgotten the last time that fundamentalists came to town. That must be why Bollywood has decided to make a whacky comedy involving a likeness of Osama Bin Laden. Go for broke lads, do a song involving someone dressed up as the Prophet Mohammed. Al-Qaeda thinks that stuffs hilarious.


Could it be that Robert Pattinson a.k.a. Twilight's Edward Cullen, could have some vampire credibility after all? Apparently his family tree shares a branch with the original neck biter, Vlad III Dracula, otherwise known as Vlad the Impaler. Experts were however not able to immediately answer whether or not that meant that Vlad was a little gay and thus passed it on to Pattinson. If Vlad was gay, it would explain why the Twilight star brought that to his portrayal of vampire, Edward Cullen.


And finally... It's rare that you get to read about and see what crazy looks like. However, the French have one such person. His name is Nicolas Cocaign and he lives in a local prison near the town of Rouen. Why is he a crazy person? He killed and then ate his cellmate... with onions.

I'll explain.

He battered, stabbed and suffocated his cellmate to death. Then he opened up the man's chest and took out what he thought was the man's heart. This later turned out to be a piece of lung. Some of it, he ate raw and then he cooked up the rest with onions for dinner.

Why did he do this?

His cellmate gave him a dirty look.

Why did he want to eat the heart?

"I wanted to take his soul." Said Cocaign.

Now, I know what you're all thinking, because it's what I was thinking as I read this story.

Where did he get the onions from?


This concludes this week's edition of The Opening Monologue. See you next week and remember, you haven't heard it all till you've heard The Last Say On Sunday.

Goodbye.

Posted by vittorio at 08:31 PM | Comments (0)

July 06, 2010

The Opening Monologue - 06/07/2010

The Opening Monologue - Tuesday the 6th of July 2010
Written by Vittorio Leonardi.


Good evening.

Every now and then you pick up a newspaper or turn on the nightly news and find yourself in the firing line. Coming at you is a barrage of crap. This crap isn't the sort you're used to though. It is word shaped, thought-driven (mostly anyway) and designed to further agendas. Agendas that, sometimes seem so ludicrous that leaves you wondering about the sanity of the speaker.

What you're about to read is, I hope, a lighter version of the onslaught.

So in keeping with the continuous World Cup highlights reels, here is a recap of the goals, near misses, deliberate falls and off-sides of the week.

South Africa has sold nearly R14 billion worth of weapons to "problematic" countries in the last decade according to the Ceasefire Campaign.

Apparently there's always someone there to poo-poo the governments fun and this group is no different.

After running out of stadia to build, freeways to widen and Mercedes Benzes to purchase, it seems that our elected officials decided it would be a good idea to sell guns to nations with an axe to grind. The list of how many guns, what kind of guns and to whom they were sold is naturally, sketchy at best. Because Lord knows, they don't want to scare people.

One has to remember that it's not the first time SA has sold state-of-the-art bang bangs to the world.

We designed the Rooivalk for the US; sold the G5 and G6 Cannons to Saddam Hussein's Iraq just before Gulf War 1: First Blood and we also, in our greatest act of stupidity, built 6 or 7 nuclear weapons, depending on which conspiracy theorist you ask.

There were also 2 or 3 nuclear tests in the Prince Edward Islands and the Kalahari Desert. These may or may not have been meteorites, atmospheric anomalies or swamp gas that reflected the light from Venus... depending on which conspiracy theorist you ask.

Ain't life grand?

This may explain the reason why Albatrosses are so easy to spot out here. Glowing in the dark tends to help.

With all this coming to light, I'd like to make a request of our government.

WOULD YOU JACKASSES QUIT PAINTING A BULLSEYE ON OUR COUNTRY PLEASE?! ALL OUR STUFF IS HERE!!


Speaking of that fine penguin, Jackie Selebi has been found guilty. Now I know some of you may have forgotten that that trial was still going on but, yes indeed, it's finally over. They did give him time to enjoy the rest of the World Cup. He is to be sentenced on July 14th. This should give Glen Agliotti just enough time to buy Selebi more shoes. Even in jail, style matters.

Unconfirmed reports say that Selebi looked ill as he was leaving the court. It's possible that he too may develop Shaik-a-titus once behind bars.


And not to be left out, the ANC Youth League decided to break the welcome silence by saying that Selebi's conviction was a lesson to the ANC.

"The ANC Youth League hopes that the verdict will be a lesson to many leaders of the ANC, alliance and all leaders in South Africa that going against the law can tarnish a person's image," spokesperson Floyd Shivambu said in a statement.

*Cough* Irony *Cough*

They then added that Sports Minister Mahkhenkesi Stofile should be fired for not being a public showboat during the World Cup.

It seems that the idea of someone that simply does their job without the need for the limelight is totally alien to the Youth League.

However, it seems that the brain rot prevalent in the organization hasn't spread to the KZN branch of the Youth League. They defended Minister Stofile for his work, stating that he had done a good job.

See that lads? No shouting, no screaming, just a simply-worded compliment. Try it sometime.


Eskom has just awarded its executives a 25% pay hike. At the same time they struggled to understand why wage negotiations with unions were going so poorly. I can see their point... It's hard to see clearly since it's sticking out of their worker's backs, but it is there... Trust me.

Three men were arrested after attending a funeral in Lotus Gardens. They arrived at the funeral in a stolen car that they had pilfered that day. One has to wonder at the logic. Were they hoping for protection from the sacred earth? The police aren't vampires. Daylight and holy ground don't work.

Or perhaps they thought that if the gunfight went sour, at least they wouldn't have far to go.


Woolworths has decided that it too can give the gift of alcoholism to suburbia. They are branching out into selling not just their spiffy wines but now, also hard tack. The reason being that when you are posh, a brown paper bag and a whino at the door, just won't in Houghton.


After several deaths over the past few years, tourists are starting to realise that Table Mountain has "a dangerous side." Apparently, it's the side you fall from, very hard, onto the cold, cold ground.

Or perhaps, and this is just a theory, it's got a dangerous side... Because it's a damn mountain!

My advice to those attempting a climb:

1. Because it's there, is not a good enough reason.
2. It's a mountain, take a guide. Preferably one that's local. (Not a Bergie.)
3. If you really want to the grandeur of Cape Town from up high, might I suggest Google Earth.


And speaking of getting high, an SAA cabin crew member was busted trying to smuggle 3kg's of cocaine in her panties, into the UK. She's a girl, with 3 kilos of coke in her undies... did no one see the bulge? Or are we being that politically correct since the Caster Semenya debacle?

Apparently she was caught by the sniffer dogs. They were real friendly, like all junky dogs looking to score, would be.


Staying with Junkies, Paris Hilton was very briefly on the business end of the SA policing system but thankfully, no footage was taken. She and a friend were busted for dagga possession outside Nelson Mandela Bay Stadium in Port Elizabeth. One can understand the situation. It's P.E., there's nothing to do.

Charges were dropped against Hilton when her friend, former Playboy Playmate for July 1999, Jennifer Rovero, pleaded guilty to possession, paid the fine and was given 14 days by Home Affairs to leave SA.

A shame really. Can't we send Paris away and keep the friend? At least the friend is hot when she gets her kit off.

Paris said that there were no hard feelings and that she still loves SA. I'll bet. If there were any hard feelings, the cameras would've caught it.


The UK's new conservative government has started putting in place new laws to cap non-EU migration into their country. Which begs the question: So who's going to clean your toilets then, smart guys? If the latest dole statistics are anything to go by, the poor folk of Hull aren't going to be that keen.


Britney Spears has launched her own fashion line for school girls. The collection is called Britney for Candie's. Now every school girl that's ever wanted to have an unwanted teen pregnancy can now dress for success. Y'all.


The war on drugs in Mexico pales in comparison to the war on Mexican musicians. Apparently the latest trend to hit Mexcio is singers that sing about and glorify drug barons. This then leads to reprisal attacks from rival drug gangs.

And you thought Tupac had it bad.

One such singer, Sergio Vega, reported that he was alive in answer to news reports that he was dead. He was then shot and killed. The moral of that story: If it keeps you alive, play dead doofus.


France has passed a law stating that mental violence is a crime too. This law is aimed at prosecuting men that abuse their ladies in verbal and psychological ways. One only has to be a little paranoid to see that this could easily be the start of legislation against thought crimes. Viva George Orwell, viva!


Not to be left behind, South Korea has just approved chemical castration for sex offenders. Meanwhile, North Korea continues with its programme of intellectual castration. Starting with their national football team. No more balls for them.


The US has started another wave of arrests in the war on cyber piracy. Yaaar!! It seems they have seized the booty of several websites that were offerin' movies fer download moments after the films had shown in theatres. Yaaar!!

Methinks they be wantin' all the chic flicks fer themselves! Aaaarh!


And keeping with thought crimes, Stephanie Meyer, the creator of the famed gay sparkly vampire series - Twilight - has cranked out another shiny pearl. This one is aimed at young readers and continues Meyer's drive to spread the principals of "no handholding with vampires before marriage" that made the Twilight Saga such a success. But, would you believe that Stephanie Meyer's stories of furtive kisses and Edward's perfect face isn't the worst thing out there? I was surprised too. It seems that a Seattle writer, Molly Ringle, won this year's bad writing competition with the following line wherein she compares a kiss to a thirsty gerbil drinking from a giant water bottle.

"Ricardo lapping and sucking at Felicity's mouth as if she were a giant cage-mounted water bottle and he were the world's thirstiest gerbil."

Wow... I'm turned on, how about you?


And finally... If you've ever wondered if you could run your own magazine, then the answer is yes. This fact has been proven positive after Al-Qaeda launched its own recruitment magazine called "Inspire". The Magazine will give young jihadists all the info they need to further their shortlived careers as martyrs.

I'll bet the Agony Aunt is a great help.

I have no friends.
You're carrying a bomb. Recruit them into your cell, then blow yourself up.

I have low self esteem.
We can help. Come blow yourself up.

I have trouble achieving orgasm.
Blow yourself...up.

This concludes this week's edition of The Opening Monologue. See you next week and remember, you haven't heard it all till you've heard The Last Say On Sunday.

Goodbye.

Posted by vittorio at 08:57 PM | Comments (0)

July 14, 2010

The Opening Monologue - 14/07/2010

The Opening Monologue - Wednesday the 14th of July 2010
Written by Vittorio Leonardi.


Good evening.

At the start of every monologue, I try to give a witty round-up of the week that was. If I could make a brief deviation, I'd like to mention the events of last night that stopped me from publishing the monologue in a timely fashion.

I couldn't write the monologue because of power failures. Three power failures in one day. Now, I'd like to thank Eskom for keeping the power running during the football. I'd like to thank them, but I can't. This is because we have reached a point in SA where thanking Eskom for doing what is essentially its job, is like thanking a thief for obeying the law.

They deserve no thanks. It's their job. We pay them for a service. A thank you should only ever be earned, not simply given.

I also find it phenomenal that Eskom can be owed R189 million by government and they seem to take no action against them. And then, at the same time, Eskom has plans to shut off the power of 50 Free State towns for failure to pay.

Here's the kicker:

The reason those accounts are in arrears is because of gross mismanagement of funds by local government.

Do you see a pattern? It's hard to spot but believe me, it's there.

I guess what I'm asking for is a little consistency. The next time the power goes, please Eskom, for my sanities sake, decide how long you actually need to have the grid down for and then keep it off for that period. Turning the power off, then on, then off, then on is as frustrating as watching porn with the sex scenes edited out.

If you're going to screw me, have it be one long session as opposed to three unfulfilling short ones.

Thank you.

And now, on to our main feature.

The week that was saw the world cup drawing to a close, the occupying armies of FIFA finally pulling out and Spain, dive-rolling to their first cup final victory. On the domestic side, politicians warmed up their delusion generators, more parliamentarians asked meaningful questions and Designated Distraction Man a.k.a. Julius Malema, made a triumphant return, in time to catch foot in mouth disease. Across the seas there was craziness aplenty too, as you shall see. So let's begin, here at home.

President Jacob Zuma thanked all South Africans for being well-behaved this last month. Even though it was a stretch at times, no one snapped, shot, burned, hijacked or even "accidently" sent any tourists to Hillbrow, The Bluff or The Flats. Everyone played nice. However, that didn't mean government joined in.

The National Prosecuting Authority has a boss and that boss is government. This was the sentiment of JZ while being interviewed on Talk Radio 702. He also stated that he would never interfere in the NPA's affairs.

"I will never do it... there will never be an example to quote [in the media]... There's a wrong system we need to fix which other people abused."

So just to be clear, there will never be evidence of interference on your part. Well that's fine then.

Also, SA Reserve Bank Governor Gill Marcus came out swinging at executives receiving heinously high salaries at a time that ordinary people are biting the bullet.

"It is not just a workers' problem, the tone is set by bonuses and executive pay," she said at a Power Business breakfast function.

I guess it would've been easier to believe she cares about inequality if the function hadn't been held at the Johannesburg Country Club.

Occasionally, you get to see irony at work.

Next time, if you want to look like you're on our side, might I suggest having your breakfast function at Wimpy?


The Mandela Bay Media Association is concerned that there might be corruption in the media. Really? What next, bad refereeing at football games? Say it ain't so!

They raised this point after allegations surfaced that two Cape Argus reporters took bribes to write favourable stories about then-premier Ebrahim Rasool. Added to this is a recent incident where the DA asked SABC's Head of News, Phil Molefe, to explain why there is a ban on Thabo Mbeki. It seems Molefe called a meeting of senior news executives and told them that there was to be no coverage of former president Thabo Mbeki in any media.

His reason: Mbeki's appearance on SABC television undermines President JZ.

Really? I think you'll find JZ's colleagues are doing a far better job of undermining him than Mbeki ever could. Isn't that right Julius?

The unions are revolting and not in their appearance. It seems that with the football season over, the striking season is about to kick off. Public Services unions have said they are preparing for war and if their demands aren't met, 1.3 million workers will down tools. Thus beginning another round of that delightful pastime: Kick The Dustbin and Loot The Storefront; followed closely by that other firm strike favourite, Dodge The Rubber Bullet.

Oh, what fun it shall be, the tourists will love it.


And in other good news, SARS now has the power to request all your banking details whenever they want. And if they find you've been naughty and not declaring all your income, they can reach into your account and take the cash they need to cover your fines.

But wait, someone just had an intelligent thought: Shouldn't there be guidelines for this sort of thing? I mean, think of the damage one could cause to people if their debit orders don't go off for lack of funds.

Oh yeah, and what about the massive invasion of privacy?

"Curse you, Ernst & Young Tax Director Vedika Andhee!! Foiled again!" Bellowed the SARS monster.


If you've ever wondered what a man with a death wish looks like, look up Yiull Damaso. He decided to paint something engaging and thought provoking. So he painted a picture modelled after Rembrandt's painting The Anatomy Lesson of Dr Nicholas Tripp. In Damaso's version, Madiba is the cadaver with late Aids orphan Nkosi Johnson performing the autopsy. Archbishop Emeritus Desmond Tutu and politicians FW de Klerk, Jacob Zuma, Cyril Ramaphosa, Trevor Manuel, Thabo Mbeki and Helen Zille look on.

Yiull has thus proven he is a true Dumbasso.

You can all take your acid now. You'll need it for the next story.


Last Wednesday saw Julius Malema imploring the attendees of a South African music conference to write political songs people could dance to in nightclubs.

"Music is politics," Malema said.

"We have forgiven them for the past, but have not forgotten. We need to tell that story through music. Let's teach them about Winnie (Madikizela-Mandela) through music and let's do it in a fun way, in a way that we can dance to," he said.

Oh, I can see that going well. "Hey everyone, let's do The Stompie Stomp!"
But Julius wasn't done yet. He added that just like Bok Van Blerk had honoured General Koos De La Rey with his song, so other artists should honour freedom heroes too.

He then sang De La Rey's chorus to prove his point.

Now do you see why you needed the acid?

In closing, Julius warned artists who became famous to be wary of women.

"Women are brave these days. They will pull the clothes from your body if you don't want to yourself."

You see?! The acid helps take the edge off.


And now, the rest of SA this past week.

A BMW driver was arrested for travelling at 206km/h. He claims he was just cleaning his foot when it suddenly went off. Not to be out done, a traffic officer in Louis Trichardt was clocked doing 274km/h in his personal Mercedes-Benz C200 Kompressor. This prompted members of the Semantics Police to say that the car is only capable of a top speed of 235km/h.

Two things:

1. At these speeds, I don't think it matters.

2. And lads... this is why nobody shags a know-it-all.


Two senior officials at Westville prison have been suspended pending an investigation after it was discovered that a policeman had sex with a female inmate. That's one way to make the jailhouse rock.


If you ever needed proof that Cape Town isn't always sunshine and happiness, look no further. Bystanders outside the stadium on Main Parkade in Claremont showed how little they cared about someone's whining when they shouted "jump" to a man threatening to throw himself off the 8 storey-high roof. But he spoiled everyone's fun, was rescued and taken somewhere on ground level. Phooey.


There's been a call to withdraw the circumcision clamp.

Gently, of course.

The Malaysian-made Tara KLamp is a simple device that, in trials, has had "adverse affects."

Anyone with a week constitution should skip ahead.

The device clamps onto ones member, where it stays for a week till it and ones foreskin falls off.

I told you to skip ahead.

The trouble is that the device doesn't always fall off and has to then be surgically removed. You know what? Shoot me. At that point, get a bazooka and blow my face off. If you let someone attach this thing to you, you're too stupid to be breathing.


International news now, six Israeli soldiers that were recorded dancing while on patrol in Gaza, are in trouble after the clip appeared on YouTube. They are likely to be charged with "inappropriate conduct in a military operation." At least now we know what the Israeli Army's policy on "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" is.


The city of Bagdad has decided it is time to purge some new enemies - stray dogs. Some 58000 stray dogs have been either poisoned or shot in the city by 20 deployed teams. Since 2008, there has been a rise in fatal attacks on humans by roaming packs of stray dogs. Hence the cull.

There has been no confirmation of reports that the dogs are linked to Al-Qaeda.


Elsewhere in the Middle East, vuvuzelas have been declared illegal by holy edict in the United Arab Emirates. It has been decided that no vuvuzela is permitted within the Gulf State if it exceeds 100 decibels.

Having said that, some enterprising folk in Lima, Peru, have found an obvious use for the blaring trumpet - stashing their weed. Two Peruvian women were arrested outside a school attempting to sell 100 bags of weed that had been stashed inside the trumpets. Proof positive that the vuvuzela has two settings:

1. Blow: to call a dealer.

2. Suck: to get blasted.


On to Spain, where those not watching the world cup got to be gored by 500kg animals spraying bull snot all over Pamplona. Yup, it is time for special needs tourists and locals alike to take part in The Running of The Bulls. This annual event signals the start of the bullfighting season in Spain. Incidentally, it also marks a surge in some funny videos appearing on YouTube. These are the people you don't let into your gene pool ever.

An 18-year-old runner from Melbourne, Australia, suffered three fractured vertebrae and was in a serious condition at a hospital, while a 20-year-old Spanish man received an eye injury but was in less serious condition.

Tourist Jack Harrington braced himself before taking part in the second run.

"It looks exciting, like one of those things on the check list you do in life, so I might want to check it off," said the 62-year-old dentist from Lake Tahoe, California.

"I know bulls, but they came about a hundred times faster than I thought they would," said Rostow, 58, of Austin, Texas. "I wasn't prepared for that, and the intensity of the senses was overwhelming, the smell of the bulls, the sound of them running, and the fear."

And don't forget the brown river flowing down your leg.


Speaking of skid marks, The Pope is about to release the revised rules on what to do when dealing with paedophile priests. Once passed, the rules now state that if a bishop discovers that one of his priests is a kiddie fiddler, he can now report them to the police. Thanks Benedict and lets all join hands in welcoming the Vatican to the 21st century.

Till that glorious day, spare a thought for a Connecticut Roman Catholic Priest that stole $1.3 million in church money over 7 years. He used it for male escorts, expensive clothes, luxury hotels and restaurants.

Two points to ponder:

1. At least he left the kids alone.

2. One church is generating $1.3 million over 7 years? That's $186000 a year. Call me old fashioned but methinks someone needs to look for a meth lab in their basement.


Further south, Osama Bin Laden's chef has been found guilty of protecting the Al-Qaeda leader in the early days of the war on terror. He spent the last 8 years in Guantanamo Bay waiting for his trial. His sentence could range from no additional time to life imprisonment. That'll show him, well done lads. Kind of like a Federal version of sending someone that's already grounded, to their room, forever.


Closer to home, hundreds of Shebab supporters vowed to step up attacks on African Union troops after it was decided to send 2000 more soldiers into Africa's piracy capital.

The Islamist insurgents group said they will fight to the death (never till they're maimed) till the Islamic flag flies over the nation.

Um... guys. Not to nitpick, but at this point, you're not helping. If you weren't there, they wouldn't need to send any extra troops. So, it is kind of your fault they're there. Now go sit in a corner with your ticking jacket and think about what you've done young men. We'll be over here, behind this lead shield.


Apparently, Twilight fans scare easily. This was proven when fans of the gay vampire movie complained because the trailer before the film - Paranormal Activity 2 - was too scary. Cinema management has since replaced it with the less frightening trailer of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.

I guess it might explain why a 23 year-old New Zealand man was found dead in a movie theatre after a screening of Eclipse. The cause of death is at present, unknown. It is theorized that his brain rejected him.


Lindsay might be off to jail soon. That should keep her off the booze. Not so much off the crack, heroine and strap-ons.


A UK man named Ian Clark has decided to damn his daughter for all eternity by naming her after Lady Gaga. The unsuspecting baby was dubbed Meggie Maisie Lady Gaga... And a partridge in a pear treeeeeee!

Well daddy man, I hope you're happy to raise a crack ho, because regular therapy is simply not going to cut it for her.


In South Africa, when a minister has some cash to spend, he usually gets some bling. In Nigeria, a senator decided to buy a new wife. He paid $100 000 to buy a 13-year-old Egyptian girl, his driver's daughter. After an investigation, it was decided that the senator MAY have violated his country's child rights laws. The attorney general has yet to file a criminal case.

Why?

Is there evidence missing?

It can't be that difficult. Look for the kid walking around in a wedding veil with a baby called Lady Gaga. I think that might be the right house.


An Australian lawman has come up with a great way to curb illegal gambling in Queensland: Build AusVegas.

*Facepalm*

And for his next trick, solving heroin addiction through opium dens.


A 15-year-old UK boy has been sentenced to an effective 23-year jail term for killing his ex-girlfriend and her older sister after setting her house alight after she dumped him. Well son, I hope you can moan prison bitch.

Before he becomes Bubba's real doll, can we send him to visit Meggie Maisie etc. dad? Methinks she'll forgive the boy afterwards.


And finally... Everyone has had jam from time to time. It's a staple of the breakfast table. However, would you be keen to try some jam made from one of Princess Diana's hairs?

Usually, one complains when you find a hair in any food.

However, it seems that one Sam Bompas took a speck of the late princess' hair, infused it with gin and then combined it with milk and sugar to produce a preserve that apparently tastes like condensed milk.

He calls it "occult jam". I call it WTF?!

The jam is an exhibit at a surrealist art show. I'm still calling it WTF?!

Now... regardless of how odd and wrong this sounds, here are two points to ponder.

1. How hungry do you have to be to eat zombie jam?

2. Secondly, the hair he used to make the jam was purchased off eBay. Can he really be sure it belonged to Lady Diana? Or possibly... manly Doug.


This concludes this week's edition of The Opening Monologue. See you next week and remember, you haven't heard it all till you've heard The Last Say On Sunday.

Goodbye.

Posted by vittorio at 08:01 PM | Comments (0)

July 20, 2010

The Opening Monologue - 20/07/2010

The Opening Monologue - Tuesday the 20th of July 2010
Written by Vittorio Leonardi.

Good evening.

With the world cup becoming but a memory every day and strike season floundering, it seems only natural that idle hands find themselves work. And where else could that be more productive than Xenophobia. Nothing says "the dream is over now" than angry mobs pounding the stuffing out of foreign shop owners in what is becoming a tired re-enactment of District 9.

Reports of impending doom have begun to surface everywhere and evidence of an approaching storm was recently uncovered in the Western Cape when police officers discovered a pamphlet being distributed to locals urging them "to join hands together to drive foreigners out of our country." The pamphlet went on to lay the blame squarely at government's feet.

"Truth is our government is no longer able to take care of us."

Shame, can't out MPs ever catch a break?

Our police services are ever ready and vigilant to stop all threats to the safety and security of foreigners... as soon as someone gives them the names and addresses of the offenders. They stated that, regarding the pamphlet, their hands are tied. Here's a thought:

1. Find the guy handing them out.

2. Break his knees.

3. Find the guy he got them from.

4. Break his knees too.

5. Repeat process till you find the mastermind.

6. Make him watch Titanic over and over again, pausing only to break a knee here or a shin there. This should be done to offer a brief respite from the agony of watching Titanic.


Football stadiums are magnets for crime but only when they are in close proximity to a soccer ball and several thousand spectators. According to information supplied by Police Minister Nathi Mthethwa, nearly 1000 crimes occurred within 1.5kms of stadiums during the world cup. However, the public can rest easy knowing that these incidents only occurred on match days. So until the start of the premier league, feel free to run around the stadiums naked, swinging sacks of money.


Staying with events of the cup, a newly discovered species of flower has been named after the vuvuzela in honour of SA hosting the world cup event. The plant was so named for its flared, yellow flowers and massed, synchronous appearance. Previous choices for names included "Dear Lord, What is that din?" as well as "Holy Crap, I've gone deaf!" But Vuvuzela was found to be less wordy.


A Spanish man, known for being a pitch invader, was given the warmest of SA welcomes when he tried to invade the pitch 10 minutes before the world cup final game. Known as Jimmy Jump, he scampered onto the field and up to the trophy. His deepest wish was to place a little cap on the world cup trophy. His dream was not to be realised for a security official decided to give Jimmy a close-up look of his fist. Unconscious, Jimmy Jump No More, was carried off the field to the waiting world cup court where he was later fined R2000 and asked to jump elsewhere.


And speaking of losing consciousness, a Mandrax factory capable of churning out 210 000 tablets an hour, has been shut down in Balfour, Mpumalanga. Police said they were tipped off when factory took a three-day nap break. Staff were also seen drooling, missing teeth and tripping their tits off.


East London and the winter circumcision death toll has risen to 41. Unfortunately it's the only thing rising this winter according to initiation school officials.

"The winter chill is leaving us with little to work with." said an unnamed source.

Further north, Zimbabwe has joined an ever-growing list of southern African nations that is pushing for, and in some cases, paying for men to go for circumcisions. The reasoning is that it slows the spread of HIV by frightening the penis into hiding. And the logic seems to be sound. Once you swing a scalpel at ones closest friend and proceeds to lop off its favourite jersey, it becomes difficult to regain the trust of the one-eyed, trouser snake.


But undaunted, Zimbabwe has soldiered on. President Robert Mugabe said that his country will not listen to those that want gay rights mentioned in the nation's new constitution. He demonstrated this while addressing an Apostolic Church gathering. He placed his fingers securely in his ears and said "Lalalalalalala! I am not listening to you! Lalalalala!"

This was the same technique used by Mugabe during his land restitution programme codenamed "Grand Theft Zimbabwe."


Further to the north but just as oppressive, Iran's atomic chief Dances With A-Bombs Ali Akbar Saleh announced that his nation had produced 20kgs of 20% enriched uranium.

At the UN, the nations of the western world sprang into action.

"Yeah, right." Sniggered The West.

"We have." Iran insisted.

"No way." Said The West.

"Yes way." Iran persevered.

"Well stop that." Said The West.

"How about no." Replied Iran.

"Have some more sanctions then." Said The West.

"Yeah, right. Like that's ever worked." Guffawed Iran.

"Oh well, I guess we've done all we can. Thank you UN, for giving us this effective platform for solving our problems."

"Okay wait," said Iran. "We'll meet you half way. We won't stone this blatantly adulterous woman, even though she's asking for it."

"Fair enough." Said The West. "At least the people have stopped whining."

Progress through politics. We are so screwed.


Facebook has launched a panic button for young kids and teenagers to thwart the pedos with. However, they said that for the time being, they're going to hold off on the "WHO THE HELL IS THIS DOUCHEBAG THAT KEEPS ON FRIEND REQUESTING ME?" Button. It is feared that such a button could crash the social networking website from overuse.


According to a German court, it's not the parents fault if their child chunders in your taxi. This after an incident when a German couple travelling in a taxi asked the driver to stop as their daughter was unwell. The child then tossed her cookies. The court ruled that parents are only liable if they knew their child was nauseous and still did nothing to prevent the damage. So, the message is clear. If your kids going to heave, make sure you know before you leave.


If the next war for the US comes from China, it could be Usher's fault. It seems the R&B sensation has decided to play Beijing and open his concert by singing in Chinese. Let us hope that the authorities don't take offence when "It's goin down on isle 3, he'll bag ya like some groceries."


On to songs with lyrics, The Village People, creators of the actions song YMCA, have said that they won't be changing the name of their song even though the YMCA is now officially known as "the Y". The name change came after 2 years of research proved that people don't know what the organisation does. Therefore they switched from YMCA to the Y. Yeah, that does make it a whole lot clearer.


A woman in Pontiac, Detroit has been sentenced to a 9 to 30 year jail sentence for having sex with her son. But wait, there's more. She originally gave him up for adoption. Then, 14 years later, tracked him down via Facebook in 2008. Naturally, the next step was to consummate their reunion. Sometimes, Al-Qaeda's anger makes so much sense. If only that kid had the Facebook anti-pedo button. He could've been spared the horror.


Scientists at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology (MIT) have created a fabric that can hear and emit noise. Dating men worldwide have seen this as a great stride in preventing relationship arguments. It won't be long now before the outfit she's wearing will tell her if it's making her look fat.


German police in Hannover are testing a new way to find human remains. They're going to use vultures. The details as to how they'll train tow-truck drivers to find the dead, is sketchy at the moment, but have assured the public that should you die in a car accident, finding you will be no problem.


The Vatican has successfully tested its new Anti-Sinner Smiting radio tower. A court- ordered study has found that electromagnetic waves beamed from by Vatican Radio leave residents living near the station's antennae at a higher risk of risk of cancer. Proving that if you want to be close to God, best you behave.


A 47-year-old New Mexico man whose pants and prosthetic leg were set on fire by his friends after he lost a drinking bet. Here's how it happened. The guy was drinking with his friends. Why? To celebrate his release from probation for a 2007 drunken driving, burglary and auto theft conviction. Heck, if he had an Uzi, it'd be Grand Theft Auto. Sheriff's investigators opened a criminal case last Thursday to determine if the friends should be charged even though the man agreed to be lit on fire. At the very least they should bve charged with operating Jack Daniels without a brain cell. Cops found him on the night of the incident, on US Route 70, naked, with him prosthetic leg ablaze. As the saying goes, with friends like these...


And finally... Sunday marked Madiba's 92nd birthday. To mark this momentous occasion, people across the globe were encouraged to spend 67 minutes of their lives to change the world for the better. These 67 minutes represent the 67 years Nelson Mandela spent in politics.

This raises my point for this monologue.

The man spent 67 years in politics, 27 years in jail and he was married to Winnie. I think he's done enough.

CAN WE PLEASE LET THE MAN ENJOY HIS DAMN RETIREMENT ALREADY?!

Quit trying to further your agendas by turning Madiba into a figurehead for your cause. His name is not Zakumi.

Madiba, this year I wish you a peaceful and restful birthday, free from the 6000 or so nameless hangers-on that'll be clamouring to meet you; an organised army of name-droppers that you don't even know. As an added bonus gift, I will happily climb a clock tower with a rifle to make them get the message and go away.

Peace and love Madiba. Happy Birthday from The Opening Monologue


This concludes this week's edition of The Opening Monologue. See you next week and remember, you haven't heard it all till you've heard The Last Say On Sunday.

Goodbye.

Posted by vittorio at 08:00 PM | Comments (0)

August 03, 2010

The Opening Monologue - 03/08/2010

The Opening Monologue - Tuesday the 3rd of August 2010
Written by Vittorio Leonardi.

Good evening.

This week I thought I'd try something a little different. It seems that fortune and good friends have blessed me with a wealth of stories that, while bearing no great weight of importance when it comes to world affairs, still need to be told. What these stories did show me is that the planet is filled with some truly special, demented, creepy, nutty, irresponsible and stupid people. It is those people that I will present to you tonight. On the upside, for the rest of your days, if you ever feel yourself slipping towards madness, you can take heart in the fact that you are nowhere near the house of dementia that these people inhabit.

So let's start in Asia. Malaysia actually...

Religious fundamentalism is a part of the daily human experience in this new century and it seems that for most of its followers, it has become less fun and more mental. This was proven recently when Islamic clerics in Malaysia decided to strike a firm blow for good taste. They have banned the wearing of Manchester United kit in public. The reasoning is that the shirt bears the red devil - the club symbol - and have branded it "dangerous and unislamic." Man U fans responded rationally, accusing the nation's imams of being Liverpool supporters.

I guess these lads prefer to walk alone.

Also on the do-not-wear list is anything that has Christian symbols on it which puts Brazil, Portugal and Serbia out of the running.

One has to wonder... are they planning to host a world cup at some point and are simply thinning the herd?

Keep in mind that the other spanking good idea they had was the banning of yoga because of its links to the Hindu faith.

What's next? Banning the Twilight saga for its homosexual overtones?


However, not to be outdone, The Vatican has extended its ban on revealing outfits in St. Peter's Basilica. The modesty ban now covers the whole of the Vatican city-state. Now, should you want to visit the Pontiff's Palace, best you hide your knees and shoulders. Some might scoff at this saying that a group known for kiddie fiddling should be the last to squawk about modesty. But let's think about it, they have done all the research on bad practices, now it's time to put it into action. Either that, or open a theme park called Casa De Pedo-Bear.

Policing this new dress code are the Swiss Guards, the Pope's personal protection force. If you ever wanted to know what a meringue with an axe to grind looks like... look no further.

http://frmarkdwhite.files.wordpress.com/2009/12/swiss-guard.jpg


Sometimes the love goes right out of a relationship. You can get so bored that you hardly realise that the other person is there. This might have been the case with a paralysed Austrian man that died recently in Vienna.

Some of you might want to skip ahead. This part is rather icky

He was eaten by maggots, in his bed, while his partner slept beside him.

I told you to skip ahead.

The 61-year old retiree had been paralysed from a stroke for several years and since then hadn't liked to be washed according to his 34-year old partner.

Eeew.

So she just left him there.

For several years.

Till he was being eaten alive by maggots.

They slept next to each other every night and she didn't notice?

Didn't she once think, "Wow, he's really getting thin. And what the heck is that chewing noise?"

I guess the song was right. He's lost that loving feeling.


If you go out in the woods today
you're sure of a big surprise.
If you go out in the woods today
you'd better go in disguise.

For every bear that ever there was
will gather there for certain, because
Today's the day they break in your house and steal your car.

The bears are revolting and I don't mean the ones from Chicago. In two separate incidents, bears have been committing high crimes. A black bear in Laconia, New Hampshire, walked into a house and helped itself to fruit, a drink from the goldfish bowl and a toy bear before being scared off by an opening garage door. 2000 miles away in Larkspur, Colorado, a bear climbed into a car, a 2008 Toyota Corolla. It then closed the door; put the car in neutral activated the hazard lights and rode that sucker backwards, 38m down an embankment and into a thicket of trees.

All the way it screamed, "Dude, this ain't my car!!"


It has been decided that there is far too much fornication going on in the state of Florida. In response to this terrible situation, a professor at the University of Central Florida has created an interactive video game to curb young girls' enthusiasm.

http://www.myfoxorlando.com/dpp/news/orange_news/072610ucf-developing-virtual-game-about-sex

The game - costing 434000 federal tax dollars - will teach young girls how to ignore the sexual advances of boys with wood. It's only fair since World of Warcraft is already protecting the virginity of young men worldwide.

However, the curbing of adolescent sex may be detrimental to their learning capacity. A recent study performed on rats by Princeton University scientists has found that sex can actually grow your brain and let you live a life with less angst and stress.

But, I hear you thinking, then pornstars should be geniuses. There is an answer. The scientists say that regular but not daily sex is beneficial to cell proliferation.

Put simply, a hump every two weeks will give you rosy cheeks.
But a hump a day may not keep the dumbass away.


This can be clearly illustrated by a Cleveland man that got married to a second wife while still being legally married to his first. His first wife found out about the second wife... through pictures posted on Facebook!

And here's the husband's excuse: According to the husband's lawyer, the first marriage isn't legal because of a clerical error that occurred in Italy where they were wed. Wife number one has had two children by him. That's a big clerical error. And I'm guessing they're not bastards either. Nope. That title is reserved for daddy.

If you take anything from this tale, realise that Facebook has at least shown all of us who in our lives can be trusted and who the stupid people really are.


Ann Rice, author of Interview With a Vampire declared on her Facebook page that she is no longer Christian. She said she refused to be Christian anymore because she couldn't be "anti gay, anti-feminist and anti-artificial birth control."

Unconfirmed reports say that the true cause of this declaration was when Rice's Lestat fell in love with Stephanie Meyer's Edward Cullin. Apparently, you can now see the forest sparkling from space.


If you've ever thought you should be kinder to your grandparents, spare a thought for Tokyo's oldest man. Sogen Kato had just celebrated his 111th birthday but when city officials came to visit him they found him dead. He had been dead for about 30 years.

But wait, there's more.

Authorities had repeatedly tried to call on the famous old man but were always chased off by relatives. Upon finally forcing their way into the house, they found Mr. Kato, or rather his mummified corpse, dressed in pyjamas and underwear - in case the afterlife got scary, I suppose - and covered with a blanket. The family's story is that he confined himself to his room 30 years ago and became a living Buddha. In the meantime, his relatives had the presence of mind to keep collecting his welfare cheques.

A case of DO NOT DISTURB being taken too far.


And finally... Have you ever seen a YouTube clip or watched the actions of someone at a braai and thought "WTF?!" Well, it can be safely assumed that that's exactly the kind of reaction the lads at BrewDog in Aberdeenshire were going for. BrewDog makes beer, some of the strongest in the world with two of its products having a 32% and 41% alcohol content respectively. Their latest product, called The End of History, has an alcohol content of 55%!

Now while your liver is reeling from the shock, your wallet may as well get in line. The beer is selling for £500 or R5800.

But wait, there's more.

How would you expect to receive this bottle of liver rot?

In a stylish carrying case? Perhaps borne on the backs of vestal virgins?

Nope.

The lads at BrewDog thought it would be brilliant to hand you this fine bottle of hooliganism wrapped... in roadkill. That's right. You can down this fabulous Chateau Chunder while eye to eye with a dead stoat. Several in fact. The bottles were made with seven dead stoats, four squirrels and a hare... just to give it that extra kick I guess. Have look for yourself.

http://www.brewdog.com/uploaded_images/brewdog_taxidermy211_534.jpg

Despite the obvious public outcry, the lads assured everyone that the animals used were roadkill. At whose hands, one wonders?

Next time you need a thought to clear your mind, conjure up this story. And never let it be said that you don't know what WTF looks like.


This concludes this week's edition of The Opening Monologue. See you next week and remember, you haven't heard it all till you've heard The Last Say On Sunday.

Goodbye.

Posted by vittorio at 08:33 PM | Comments (0)

August 10, 2010

The Opening Monologue - 10/08/2010

The Opening Monologue - Tuesday the 3rd of August 2010
Written by Vittorio Leonardi.

Good evening.

In my eternal search for stories on and off the net, I noticed something that was simple and, some might say, arbitrary. But it was a realization nonetheless.

Most of us will have heard the term "differently able". It's a term used when referring to the handicapped. It is from the same brain trust that brought us that other grotesque evasion: calling the handicapped, the "handi-capable". Well, I've found mounting evidence, almost every day in fact, that there are people among us that should be called the "differently thoughtful".

They think in different ways. Ways that often lead to destruction. Thankfully, it's usually their own. You may have encountered the Professors of this group while reading the latest list of Darwin Award winners. But, as with any competition, there are so many names left out. These folks should get an honourable mention.

Well, fear not, because in this world, everyone's a winner. No one's left out. So I present you with a list of folks that, if they tried harder, could just make the Darwin Awards list yet. We can only hope.

Comfy?

Right, let's begin.

Frances Rodriguez's husband won't be winning awards for his observational skills any time soon. Mr. Rodriguez awoke on a Saturday morning to find his wife gone. He thought that she might have gone for an early morning walk so he thought nothing more of it. But after 14 hours and still no sign of her, he called the police. The police searched the house first and found Frances, or rather her foot. It was protruding from under a pile of laundry...in the bedroom.

I guess it is possible to get too comfortable with your partner after all.

The police said that Mrs. Rodriguez was sitting on the edge of the bed, fell fowl of an existing medical condition and collapsed into a rack of clothing that fell over her, concealing her.

The police believe she had been there for several days.

Several days?

Are you kidding me? Let me guess... he's using the old "I had sinusitis so I couldn't smell my wife's corpse" routine, huh?

Staying with smashing spouses, Theresa Riggi decided that if she was going to lose the kids in a custody fight, she would do the honourable thing: kidnap them and blow them up.

Wait... what?

Mrs. Riggi was in divorce proceedings with her husband, US oil industry executive, Pasquale Riggi, when she disappeared with their three daughters. The children were found in an Edinburgh townhouse after it was destroyed in a gas explosion. Mrs. Riggi, always planning ahead, was in hospital already having fallen from an upper floor window earlier that day.

Thus bringing new meaning to the term, "I fall down, go boom!"

When it comes to giving people the warm and fuzzies, nothing beats a good old friendly Nazi. And you don't even have to go far to find one.

Go to Mongolia, where the anti-Chinese Nazis live. That's right, you too can watch the Chinese being harassed by these Asian Aryans... Asiayrians if you like.

http://static.guim.co.uk/sys-images/Guardian/About/General/2010/8/2/1280761040788/Mongolian-neo-Nazi-group--006.jpg

Apart from misinterpreting right wing doctrine and making the Fuhrer roll over in his ashtray, these guys like to dislike all things Chinese. In one case, the leader of The Blue Mongol (a tad gay, yes?) was convicted of murder after he killed his daughter's boyfriend.

Although, to be fair, he was justified, at least in his mind.

The boyfriend had the taint of the Orient upon him. He had studied in China. I guess the next logical step will be to print specialised t-shirts for everyone with warning on them like "Caution! May have been conceived by a factory worker that worked with Chinese nuts!!"

If you've ever wanted to take your own life, there are simple ways to do it: A gun, a tall building or The Twilight Saga perhaps. But then there's always someone that once to be remembered for being different. A man in Madison, Wisconsin, decided he wanted to end with death by policeman. So, armed with a screwdriver and a hammer, he started a commotion in his building. Naturally, the police came. And boy, was he excited. He raised the screwdriver over his head and clutched the hammer. They ordered him to drop his weapons. He refused saying that they'd have to kill him.

So they Tasered him.

Later on the hospital, he told them he'd been feeling depressed. But I guess that little shock made him feel just right as rain huh?

If ever you were to spring a surprise attack on someone,there are several prize locations; on the bog, in the shower, driving down Dealey Plaza and so on. But to really nail someone. You have to be sure that they'll be rendered immobile.

Such was the plan of one Marquavious Bell (I'm not kidding, that's his name) when he decided to abuse his girlfriend... while she was giving birth!

The police report states that Bell "struck her in the face with an open hand."

But wait, there's more. Listen to the dulcet tones of the victim's own statement.

"The most happiest moment of my life became the worst," Fox said. "I hated it... He snatched the phone out of my hand, hit the part where you talk at [and] he hit me with it. Then, he repeatedly kept hitting me in the head, slapping and hitting my head."

Here's a thought.What the hell was he doing in the delivery room?

Now I don't mean to sound cruel, but I dun think these two were made for each other y'all!!

And now, a quick round-up of the whacko news:

A man in Sweden is being sued by a hospital for stitching up his own leg. After waiting for an hour to have his gashed leg sewn up, Jonas decided to do the job. The hospital reacted rationally by laying a charge against him of suspicion of criminal dispossession. What? At the most you can get him on is stitching without a license.

President Obama has evened out US drug laws. It seems that for too long the mandatory sentence for possession of crack cocaine was much longer than the sentence for possession of its powdery brother. With the lawchanged, at least now everyone can do the same time. That way, fewer prison romances will be broken up.

Two brothers in Gastonia, North Carolina, got into afight one night. Naturally, things escalated and so, the younger brother Kevin,stapled his older brother's chin with a staple gun. And why not? If a man has a fat chin, he should be able to get the best surgery drunken rednecks have tooffer. My hero in this story is their dad. He tried to break up the fight by firing a warning shot with a 12 gauge shotgun. Well done pah. Tomorrah, can we try that readin' stuff again?

A Russian finalist in the World Sauna Championships has died. Contestants willingly sat in a room set to a temperature of 110 degrees Celsius till someone they went ping, the turkey's done! Look on the bright side folks; we didn't exactly lose a brain surgeon here.

A 14-year-old California boy has been booked on arson charges after he accidentally started a 40-acre wildfire.

What was he trying to do at the time?

He was trying to light a bong with a braai lighter. Dude, no more weed for you. Your aim is way off. Besides, you can't smoke the whole bush all at once. FAIL!!

And finally... Did you ever get the feeling that sometimes, people just aren't putting any effort into their work? That they just aren't trying anymore? Well never has this been proven more true than last Tuesday when the C-Team of the Taliban decided to attack Kandahar Airfield in Afghanistan. This is one of those cases when epic fail doesn't even begin to describe what followed. It takes time and planning to screw up so well.

Firstly, the base is home to about 20 000 troops at any given time. The C-Team brought 10 guys. TEN! Were they in power armour or perhaps a small assault vehicle?

Nope.

They decided to wear the standard long and dusty one-piece number with matching sandals and turban. They sent in the guy they liked the least to suicide bomb the fence. Once he'd blown a hole in it, they decided to screw the pooch in grand style. Upon clearing the fence, they had failed to notice that a unit of Canadian Military Engineers on a training exercise had just arrived.

Seconds later, a game of "Pop Goes the Terrorist" was played as the C-Team was mowed down by 25mm cannon fire. To give you someidea of how big an overkill that is, have a look at this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AcofyBKy8Go

These are the bullets that thing fires:

http://www.globalsecurity.org/military/systems/munitions/images/natammo.jpg

Feeling a little inadequate lads?

In response to this, Iran - America's official enemy for this decade - has started digging mass graves. Why? To bury dead US troops in case of an invasion. Now how can they invade a nation that is so thoughtful? Oh wait, The Ayatollah Khomeini - Grand High Poobah of Islam in Iran - has stated that even though music is halaal, the production of or being associated with music,is strictly forbidden.

Hey, don't go blaming all of music for the crimes of Justin Bieber.

This concludes this week's edition of The OpeningMonologue. See you next week and remember, you haven't heard it all till you'veheard The Last Say On Sunday.

Goodbye.

Posted by vittorio at 08:00 PM | Comments (0)

August 18, 2010

The Opening Monologue - 18/08/2010

The Opening Monologue - Tuesday the 18th of August 2010
Written by Vittorio Leonardi.

Good evening.

In this strange world we live in, you don't have to go very far to see the ever mounting evidence that some people, some bounding members of the planet, should be culled for our own safety. Now, that is not to say that some of the most manic of the populace aren't fun to watch. But, one would think that there would be a little more policing of that section of society.That way they wouldn't gain access to shiny things like knives, guns and public office.

Till that glorious day, I present you with another chronicle in the saga of those I like to call the differently spooky.

The internet has given us many a fine thing. However, it has also given everyone a chance to prove whether or not they're ready to be removed from the gene pool. Take Matthew Partridge, a 27-year-old resident of Uttoxeter, Staffordshire, UK. He's decided to walk the length of Britain... virtually via Google Street View.

"I can't be bothered with all the training, planning and hardships of actually doing the walk. That's why I've come up with this alternative. You can cover 400 yards in about ten seconds."

This is why you guys lost the football.

However, it gets better. People living in Middle Road, St. Johns, Worcester, UK, freaked when they checked out their neighbourhood on Google Street View and saw this:

http://img.thesun.co.uk/multimedia/archive/01104/Google-map-girl_68_1104102a.jpg

An image of what looks like a dead girl, lying dead on the sidewalk. The residents were concerned that Google didn't report this to the police.

Damn folks, must Google do everything for you? Isn't it enough that Google already has all the answers to all the questions you have yet to ask? Must they now fight crime too?

It turns out that there was no dead girl, just a nine-year-old playing a prank. What a quaint little prankster. Oh how we laughed. But maybe Google already knew that. Maybe the only email address that girl will ever get, ever, will be liarpants@gmail.com

*Insert maniacal Google laughter here*


When the shit hits the fan, bad things happen. But now it seems that when the shit hits the awning, worse things happen. Police in Balgowlah, Sydney are investigating whether an awning, weighted down by bird poop and heavy rains, collapsed on Craig Taylor, killing him. It seems he failed to follow the old saying, "When giant bird of paradise fly over head, wear big hat. I say nothing about awning."


On to the furries, oh how we love them. Apparently...and in case you didn't know, Pittsburgh has become furrie mecca having hosted Anthrocon - the largest annual convention for anthropomorphic enthusiasts - for the last five years. I will not judge since I know people that dress in armour and beat each other with foam weapons.

http://pix.motivatedphotos.com/2008/6/16/633492205449504760-Furries.jpg

I lied. Sorry.

And now, a Pittsburgh man wants to have his name legally changed from Gary Guy Matthews to Boomer the Dog. Seriously, he has a collar and everything.

http://www.post-gazette.com/pg/images/201008/20100810_lr_boomer_dog_3_500.jpg

One can only imagine what fun will be had if his inner beast takes over.

"No Boomer, don't chase that car, its Google Street View!"


And now in your traffic report, a man in La Crosse (apparently, not just a sport) Wisconsin, USA, has learned a valuable lesson.

Never lend your car to an escort. They won't give it back.

As a side note, don't let anyone calling herself "Candy" a.k.a. Stephanie Hennessy, gain access to your cheques; don't buy her dog food; loan her $40 or think she's actually into you during that $80 lap dance.

http://bloximages.chicago2.vip.townnews.com/lacrossetribune.com/content/tncms/assets/editorial/c/9b/db9/c9bdb9a0-a4fc-11df-a5ff-001cc4c002e0-revisions/4c62200aec2ad.preview-300.jpg

She's kinda hot though... in a ho kind of way.


Christopher Compton Jr. is in a spot of bother. He's in court after a hit-and-run incident. He drove over a 15-year old kid. He claims he didn't see the kid because it was too dark. Here's a thought, headlights! Use them!


Here's what he looks like. http://media.lehighvalleylive.com/today_impact/photo/christopher-compton-7330dc37a6fb5f6a.jpg


On second thoughts, let's be thankful he can even operate heavy machinery.


A resident of Hall County, Georgia, was thwarted in his mission of relaxing the entire state when cops pulled him over and found 240 pounds (109kgs) of weed is his car. In an unrelated story, two cars carrying 300 pounds of Cheesy Poofs and donuts were found abandoned outside what would've been an awesome party.


New York takes the cake for weirdest traffic stop. A man from Buffalo, New York was pulled over and found to have a live cat marinating in an oil and peppers mixture in his trunk. 51-year-old Gary Korkuc said that Navarro the cat was ill-tempered so he was going to eat him. He also volunteered that the neutered male cat was pregnant. Right... Off to the puzzle factory with you, Gary. That's no way to eat some pussy!! (Sorry, couldn't resist.)


The Chinese have invented a novel way of stopping people loitering on park benches. Coin-operated benches. If you don't feed coins into the meter, the bench deploys blunt spikes, just long enough to change the way you sing.

http://web.orange.co.uk/images/ice/quirkies/bench_spikes_europics.jpg

In other news, the homeless are now able to get free ear piercings while they nap.


A 17-year-old Hungarian teenager that was selling her virginity online to stop her mom's house from being repossessed, has pulled out of the auction. Typical. The reason? The British businessman - that paid $158000 for dibs on the cherry-popping - proposed marriage. Apparently she's not the marrying kind. Well, logically speaking, she can sell the virginity once, but can sell the remaining product at greatly reduced rates for years to come. But then she'd have to be called Candy.


A man from Bexhill-On-Sea, UK, has found a novel excuse for his binge eating. A chip-packet collection worth $16000. That's right, Old Simba did good overseas. Some of the packets date back as far as 1984. Wow... that's cool. CLEAN UP YOUR DAMN HOUSE!!! This is why you don't get laid! Go marinade a cat or something!!


The creators of the game The Saboteur - a WW2 game where an Irishman does all the work of the French Resistance - may have to rethink their central character's allegiances. It seems a recently released memoir proves that an Irishman, Michael Keogh, saved Hitler from being beaten to death by an angry mob 20 years before the Blitzkrieg and goose-stepping started.

http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2010/08/06/article-0-0AB56E0E000005DC-934_233x423.jpg

Nice work, dumbass. Can we find out if his descendants are hiding Bin Laden while we're at it?


Speaking of fascism, Saudi Arabia's telecommunications regulator says that it will allow Blackberry messaging services to continue after "positive developments" with Blackberry's Canadian manufacturers. The poo hit the awning earlier this month when the Saudi's decided to ban the phones because they couldn't read any of the messages. Blackberry messaging is encrypted and can only be read if you access to the server. So basically, Canada gets some cheap oil and the Saudis get a server. Great, so glad to see our privacy means so much to the oil peddlers. What's next Saudis? Google Street View?


According to scientists at the University of Southern California, research has shown that the human brain seems to function less like a corporation - a from-the-top-down system - and more like the internet, with millions of inter-connecting loops running over and around each other. This might explain why girls are better at networking and why boys think of porn so much.


And now on to the WTF news.

A Bronx juror serving on a burglary case faces up to four years in jail after stealing a fellow juror's credit card and going on a spending spree. D'OH! Irony much?


Everyone was surprised when a 23-year-old man strangled his 50-year-old roommate to death. The fight was over how untidy 50-year-old Dwayne Gun kept their room. So Maurice Thompson (Thompson kills Gun, heh, funny) strangled him to death.


Why should no one be surprised? They live in a home for the mentally ill.

The scary part? The residents get to come and go as they please.

Yay! A puzzle factory without locks.


And finally... Remember the one about how you shouldn't eat a seed because it'll grow inside you? Well, guess what, the old folks were half right. Seed: yes; stomach: no. Ron Sveden of Brewster Massachusetts, already suffering from emphysema, was rushed to the hospital after one of his lungs collapsed. X-rays revealed that a pea seed was growing in it.


http://www1.whdh.com/news/articles/local/12001910794327/man-finds-plant-growing-inside-his-lung/

I'll leave you with this quote from his wife:

"God has such a sense of humour. It could have been just nothing, but it had to be a pea, and it had to be sprouting,"

Nay, nay lady, methinks Ron needs to learn about the hidden virtues of chewing.


As a parting shot, the first meal he had in the hospital after the surgery, had peas as the vegetable. I guess that's one way to guarantee repeat business.

This concludes this week's edition of The Opening Monologue. See you next week and remember, you haven't heard it all till you've heard The Last Say On Sunday.


Goodbye.

Posted by vittorio at 02:01 PM | Comments (0)

August 24, 2010

The Opening Monologue - 24/08/2010

The Opening Monologue - Tuesday the 24th of August 2010
Written by Vittorio Leonardi.

Good evening.

It seems that we may have something to fear after all. South Africa's press freedom is under threat; Helen and Patricia look like they're going to be making that lesbian dvd after all *cringe* and the ANC Youth League have again taken to speaking their minds - a move which leaves the country dumber every time they do it.

With great lines like ANC spokesperson Jackson Mthembu saying that the ANC has made it fashionable to fight corruption and was doing so successfully, one has to wonder, what version of history-in-the-making are these chops are watching.

"We have a big arsenal of instruments to fight corruption within the State, and they are performing their functions very effectively without fear or favour."

Well, I guess someone has to put the "ars" in arsenal, without fear or favour.

But then again, it does sometimes feel as though our leaders constantly need reminding that the news is not a drama series and the folks yelling at them are not actors.

Here's a live crossing to an ANC policy meeting.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vezr3dW4J5s

Let's see how many complaints I get about that one.

But, wait there's more. Oh, so much more, here in The Opening Monologue.



Its one thing to be robbed - the fear, stress and inconvenience can be enough to grow an ulcer farm in your gut. But it's quite another to be robbed by the inept.

Two police reservists - IN UNIFORM - on duty at a roadblock in Mamelodi, decided it was time to play the extortion game when they pulled over a bakkie transporting 23kgs of copper wire. The driver told them he was going to sell the wire at a shop at Eersterust. So naturally, they got into the vehicle and drove with the man, while holding him at gunpoint. Upon arrival at the shop, they stole R3000. They then got dropped off at the roadblock as though nothing had happened and let the driver go.

Obviously charges were laid; the reservists were arrested WITH THE CASH STILL ON THEM and will soon be in court.

I didn't realise the police were running a daycare for dumbass criminals. I guess it is a community project. Let them be cops for a day, see if they like it. If not, they can help themselves to whatever is passing by. If that is the case, does this count as psychological entrapment? Shame on the police for tempting these fine criminals!

Then again, you could always just defend yourself. A 77-year-old grandmother from Heidelberg has sent burglars packing with a little 12-gauge love song. As several men attacked her security gate with a pick axe, another man, armed with a pistol, broke through the bedroom window and attempted to climb through.

He was greeted by this.

http://cdn.24.com/files/Cms/General/d/850/1e3ddd4a19914567be0c08e6e12e5a53.jpg

There was a boom, a crash and a brown streak that marked his exit. There were unconfirmed reports that she was later heard to mutter "Damn Jehovah's Witnesses... No means no."


SA Communist Party general secretary Blade (Not The Daywalker) Nzimande has criticised the media... again. According to him, the media is what could be holding back SA.

"Whilst media can be a very important ally to democracy, at the same time it can be a severe obstacle to advancement."

So it's their fault that unemployment and homelessness is so high. So is one to assume that there are secret messages hidden in their nefarious typeface? Is their plan to demoralise us with all those Jobs Pages on Wednesday? Only time and the Blade will tell.

As a parting shot, on democracies in Africa,Blade referred to them as "just a recycling of elites."

Well they do make the nicest handbags once recycled, don't they?


Speaking of fashion, would you sit next to this on a flight to Cape Town?

http://i2.cdn.turner.com/cnn/2010/images/08/18/620.planeattire.irpt.jpg

If you answered WTF!! You wouldn't be the only one. Believe it or not, this guy was allowed to board his American Airlines flight. No problems at all. Some critics have said that if he was a she, she wouldn't have been allowed on-board.

http://www.impressiveseductivelingerie.co.uk/images/LC8255.jpg

Yeah, I see their point. The tramp stamp is a bit much.


North Korea's just decided to join the rest of the world in a new way: they've gotten Twitter and YouTube accounts. But don't expect to see clips of hilarious skateboarding accidents any time soon. They're using the net to slag off the US, South Korea and anyone else that grabs their fancy. Darn, I was hoping to see a live rendition of the Dear Leader singing "I'm so ronery!"


When you think of computer hackers, the word Bloemfontein doesn't really ever spring to mind. But one student of Geology at The University of The Free State thought that it would be fun to see just how far he could get into their mainframe. Lwazi Mphumezi Magam got a six month or R5000 fine suspended sentence after he admitted guilt in the case.

I bet they roughed him up a bit in the interrogation. Posted phony Facebook updates on his account, sent out crappy tweets and messed around on his WoW account. And the most evil of evil things... made him watch Twilight Parodies! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh!!


The Office is going to China. Ricky Gervais has announced that a new incarnation of the show is currently in the works for a Chinese audience. There will be subtle differences. If the show's main character, David Brent, screws up, a cast member must recite the communist manifesto. If he/she makes a mistake, they are shot and the cost of the bullet will be charged to their family.


According to a recent study done at Cornell University, men are more likely to cheat in relationships where their partner earns more money than them. Oh well, I guess I have some catching up to do.

The study also showed that men whose partners were more dependent on them were also more likely to cheat.

But wait for it.

"If a woman is the main breadwinner in the family, she's more likely to cheat - it would seem that relationships where women earn more than men really are doomed - and if she depends on her male partner for money, then she is less likely to cheat."

Hey, I've got a whacky concept, why don't we all just stay faithful to one person. And then, when we get bored, tired or just don't want to be with them anymore, you dump them. You know, like grown-ups are supposed to behave.


Miss Mexico has just been crowned Miss Universe. No word on whether she'll get a Green card though. On a side note, surely the most ambitious name we can give this event is Miss Solar System. I mean, until we have several galaxies vying for the top spot, Miss Universe seems a little egotistical. Besides, have any of the pastwinners visited Andromeda or Sirius? I rest my case.


"Take Your Daughter To Work Day" is a good idea. "Take Your Daughter To A Bank Robbery Day"... not so much. Last Thursday, a German woman strolled into a bank in Chemnitz with a bread knife in one hand and her little girl in the other. She demanded several thousand Euros. Naturally she was caught, arraigned, and released on bail. Her child was returned to the father.

Then she tried to rob another bank. I guess she thought the kid was just slowing her down.


Speaking of interesting parents...

And finally... Stop me if you've heard this one before.

Antwun Parker and his friend walk into a pharmacy.
They pull guns and try rob the place.
The pharmacist beats them to the punch and shoots Antwun in the head.
He then gets another gun and puts five more rounds into him.

The punchline?

Antwun's mom says her son is a hero.

Wait, what?

http://www.koco.com/r/24703285/detail.html

(Watch the video clip to get the full effect.)

"A coward is someone who will kill someone when they're done," said Parker's mother, Cleta Jennings. "That's not a hero. The real hero here is Antwun."

Oh boy.

Now, I could rant about how the pharmacist shouldn't have gone Rambo on the teen. I could say that perhaps the mom is right and her son was forced into it by someone else. Or, I could say that Mrs. Parker, Antwun's mom, is a MENTALLY UNSOUND, JACKASS PENGUIN THAT SHOULD REALLY LOOK UP THE DEFINITION OF A HERO BEFORE SHE STARTS SQUAWKING HER CHILD'S VIRTUES!!!

Madam, your son pulled a weapon. There were repercussions for HIS choices. Maybe you should've taught him that before he got shot. Consequences lady, the rest of the world has accepted them as a part of daily life. Why don't you join us?


This concludes this week's edition of The Opening Monologue. See you next week and remember, you haven't heard it all till you've heard The Last Say On Sunday.

Goodbye.

Posted by vittorio at 07:13 PM | Comments (0)

August 31, 2010

The Opening Monologue - 31/08/2010

The Opening Monologue - Tuesday the 31st of August 2010
Written by Vittorio Leonardi.

Good evening.

The only thing that remains constant is change. It seems to be the one thing that you can really count on. Politicians come and, thankfully, go. Icons we thought would be around for several more decades, a Princess Diana or a Michael Jackson, can be taken away in a moment. Here at home, many pundits are wondering if the last wave of strike action and corruption could be the final straw that breaks the Zuma camel's back. Everywhere, it seems that Bob Dylan was right, "The Times They Are a-Changin".

So let's have a look at who should be staying and who, we can only hope, will be beating a hasty path to Darwin Award Heaven.

Woody Allen said: Paranoia is knowing all the facts.

It's strange how, occasionally, life truly does imitate art. For example, do you remember what happened to the other double-0 numbers in the James Bond stories? They usually ended up floating in a river or full of holes. Now, call me paranoid, but this time, it seems that it's happened for real and just down the street from Commander Bond's employer.

The decomposing body of a British spy, Gareth Williams, age 31, has been found in his apartment.

Now here's where the paranoia engine kicks in.

1. He was dead for at least two weeks when they found him. His bosses... that are also spies... couldn't find him for two weeks.

2. His body was found stuffed in a sport's bag, in his bath.

3. The crime scene is a few hundred yards from MI6's front door.

4. The apartment is owned by a private company called New Rodina. That's Russian for Motherland

5. His cell phone and several SIM cards were all neatly laid out on a table.

6. He was employed as a communications officer at the UK Government's "listening post" - GCHQ - Government Communications Headquarters.

http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2010/08/25/article-1305899-00908B6C1000044C-498_634x380.jpg

Beware the scary donut!!

But here's the proof of something shifty going on. Meet Gareth Williams.

http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2010/08/25/article-1305899-0AEA7423000005DC-534_634x499.jpg

He's an avid cyclist! What the hell kind of spy rides around on a bicycle? Ian Fleming would turn in his secret lair if he heard tell of a bicycle-riding, healthy-living secret agent. I submit to you that it was Zombie Fleming that killed the agent. So enraged was the author of spy novels that he tore himself from his earthen grave and sought to punish the ill-suited spy. Why else was the body trussed up like a take-away? Because Zombie Fleming wanted to nom, nom, nom!


Elsewhere, a British Airways flight from London to Honk Kong successfully tested the latest in air-panic causing technology. A pilot caused a plane to become 100 pounds heavier with poo when he mistakenly played an emergency message.

Allow me to set the scene: you're cruising at 9kms (30000 feet) up, enjoying whatever nibbles you can con out of the ever-present waitressing staff. You think of all the fun things you're going to be doing in Hong Kong. Perhaps you'll even try a new girl/guy out at Madam Ho's House of Hump. You're comfortable, content and relaxed person.

Then you hear this:

"This is an emergency. We may shortly need to make an emergency landing on water."

Panic much?

Here's what the passengers had to squeal:

Michelle Lord, 32, "People were terrified. We all thought we were going to die."

Another traveller said: "I can't think of anything worse than being told your plane's about to crash."

You have no imagination, whoever you are.

Here's what the airline had to say: "We would like to apologise to passengers on board the flight for causing them undue distress."

What does he mean by "undue distress"? Is there such a thing as "due distress"?

I knew it!

There is no such thing as turbulence. It's the bored pilot jerking us around! Turbulence, my aching ass!!


Across the pond, in America, the militant wing of the pharmaceutical companies - the D.E.A. or Drug Enforcement Administration - is in search of translators.

Ebonics translators to be precise.

For all the squares out there, Ebonics, a.k.a. African American Vernacular English, is an ever-evolving English vocabulary with African language structure.

Basically, the D.E.A. needs translators to understand what some brothers are saying during drug deals.

Fair enough.

Clearly they need to know what's being said so they can build a case. But, as always, a story like this brings out the special people.

Aloysius (what?) Hogan, the government relations director of English First, had this to say:

"Hiring translators for languages that are of questionable merit to begin with is just going in the wrong direction. I'm not aware of Ebonics training schools or tests. I don't know how they'd establish that someone speaks Ebonics," he said.

Simple. You listen.

"I support the concept of pursuing drug dealers if they're using code words, but this is definitely going in the wrong direction."

For those of you that are wondering, English First is a national lobbying group that promotes the use of English. I didn't realise that the language was under threat. It seems a little rude.


"Sure I'll buy your drugs but remember, I only accept English crack."


Every day, you see people driving as though they're in a different postal code or dimension to you. Well, the next time you see someone swerve, here's a reason to consider and cringe about.

Police pulled over a car in Elmwood Place, Ohio one evening. They had pulled the car off the road because it had illegally tinted windows. But when they looked inside they found Colondra (what kind of parent does that to a child) Hamilton, with her pants unzipped and a sex toy in her lap.

Here's Colondra!!!

http://cmsimg.cincinnati.com/apps/pbcsi.dll/bilde?Site=AB&Date=20100825&Category=NEWS010701&ArtNo=8260303&Ref=AR&Profile=1163&MaxW=308&Border=0

Methinks the sex toy was blindfolded.

But wait there's more. She wasn't only servicing her needs while driving; Colondra was using the toy while watching porn on a laptop that a passenger in the front seat held up so she could see it!

Holy crap lady!! Can't you wait till you get home?

The cops booked her on what has, just now, become my favourite charge ever - "driving with inappropriate alertness."

The sex toy has since been sent for counselling.

Why? Need I remind you, it was with that!

http://cmsimg.cincinnati.com/apps/pbcsi.dll/bilde?Site=AB&Date=20100825&Category=NEWS010701&ArtNo=8260303&Ref=AR&Profile=1163&MaxW=308&Border=0


Staying with roadside fun, if you thought our rush hour was bad; spare a thought for the drivers on the Beijing-Tibet highway.

They've been stuck in traffic for over 10 days! Construction on the highway won't be finished till the 17th of September. The average mileage covered in a day has been clocked at one kilometre a day. Surprisingly, there have been no road rage incidents. That's because the drivers are too busy getting raped by the local villagers. Financially speaking anyway. The villagers know that they're the only source of food the drivers have so they have no qualms about jacking up their prices to Himalayan heights.

I guess the moral of this story is a simple one: you see what happens when you screw the Dalai Lama? Karma is an eternal bitch.


Soldiers in Taiwan have been issued new orders. They're banned from napping or even closing their eyes while wearing their uniforms in public.

"Servicemen should avoid napping or resting with their eyes closed while taking public transportation to maintain the image of the armed forces," the ministry said in a statement.

Wow, what an inspiring message. The Army - We're not sleeping on the job... WE. NEVER. SLEEP.

I bet Freddie Kruger never killed a Taiwanese soldier.

And soon there will be no drinking and no talking. You know, Taiwan's right, they're nothing like the Chinese.


Speaking of staying up, coffee is one of the true gifts of nature and still one of the only narcotics allowed in the work place.

But, as with any drink, it would seem there are connoisseurs for it. Self-appointed babbling turd-stirrers that just love to tell you how one thing is subtly different from another because it got more sun, more tannins or was fermented in a guru's appendix before harvesting.

Nowhere is this more true than in Jakarta, where ranks of coffee slurpers are upset because their favourite nectar is about to be mass produced. The coffee cherries they're so reverent of are found, half-digested - in the POO of the wild civet. These coffee jockeys are terrified that if planned farming of these birds occurs, the coffee's flavour will become monotonous.

You sad, strange little toss-pots.

By the by, the coffee sells for $250 per kilo. If you're just after a buzz, try cocaine. Not only will it keep you awake, it'll give you a God complex, make your weiner small and empty out your bank account too.

Perhaps the Taiwanese military commanders could use some to balance the crap between their ears.


Have you ever wondered if you were too drunk? Well, a German man complaining about a large zit on his scalp, had a .22 calibre bullet removed from the suppurating sore. Here's the kicker: it's been there for five+ years! Apparently, one new years eve, Captain Boozehound felt something strike the back of his pip while he wandered the streets, four sheets to the wind, during New Year's celebrations in 2004 or 2005.

You see, he can't remember... In the words of Rowley Birkin QC:

"I freely admit that I was very, very drunk."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0BKRZTalEys


And finally... If you ever needed proof that Kazakhstan might be a bad place to live, look no further. This guy has single-handedly undone all of Borat's fine average work.

A 52-year old Kazakh man that was about to be extradited by Spanish authorities after serving a five-year prison sentence, cut off his weiner to avoid going home.

While surrounded by several cops, he slipped a knife out of his clothing and severed all ties with Mr. Happy. Nice job watching the prisoner, fellas.

I guess Spanish prison sex can just break a man.

Mind you, he was 52. Methinks he was just getting tired of that long dry spell and just decided to cut back on some excess baggage.


This concludes this week's edition of The Opening Monologue. See you next week and remember; you haven't heard it all till you've heard The Last Say On Sunday.

Goodbye.

Posted by vittorio at 06:48 PM | Comments (0)

September 08, 2010

The Opening Monologue - 08/09/2010

The Opening Monologue - Wednesday the 8th of September 2010
Written by Vittorio Leonardi.

Good evening.


This week has shown me just how dependant I am on machines. For the fourth time, I had to re-install Windows on my pc. It seems that the operating system knows when my machine needs an upgrade of some sort because the resurrection of Windows goes hand-in-hand with the buying of something shiny and new for the pc's innards. And it is at times like these that I remember how heavily machines are depended upon to run nearly everything.

We're dependant on Google to know all the questions we haven't thought to ask yet.
We hope the Machine Gods that control the fax machine demons will let that last important fax go through.
We all hope that, on the day of the big presentation, the copier doesn't orgasm toner all over your pretty graphs.
And, let's face it; we all hope that the security systems on our homes will work when we most need them.

It's for that reason that I have genuinely tried - albeit unsuccessfully - to get away from the machines when I can. Go for a walk outside, breath the air, look at the sky... you know... hippy stuff. And it helps. It clears my mind just long enough to give me the perspective and objectivity I need to comment on the ever lengthening procession of odd meatsacks that I feel the need to comment on every week.

So... let's see who's first in line today.


"Vuvuzelas? We ain't got no Vuvuzelas. We don't need no Vuvuzelas. I don't have to blow on any stinking Vuvuzelas!"

Yes, it would seem that Europe and the UK have spoken. They have banned the vuvuzela at all football events in Europe and at the upcoming Olympics in London. One of the reasons given is that though the vuvuzela added local flavour to the SA World Cup experience, it's just not a European thing.

They went on to say that the European football "consists of the two-way exchange of emotions between the pitch and the stands, where the public can transmit a full range of feelings to the players.

However, UEFA is of the view that the vuvuzelas would completely change the atmosphere, drowning supporter emotions and detracting from the experience of the game."

So they're going to go with the traditional, singing, cheering and chanting instead. As we all know, nothing makes football better than some lovely lads chanting,
"You're gonna get f***ing head kicked in!"


Closer to home, the US Consulate has put a five-star Cape Town Hotel on its blacklist. The Westin Grand was placed on the blacklist after the US Consulate received "multiple theft reports" regarding the shiny monument to over-pricing. The Consulate then directed all US government employees and contractors not to stay there until further notice.

Prices for a single room at the Westin Grand range from R1900 to R4900 a night. But they do throw in breakfast... at high speed with an air of hoity-toity superiority. Has anyone considered that "theft" might be code for "paying the bill"?


A Berlin "cannibal" restaurant advertising for diners to "donate body parts" and an "open-minded surgeon", has been revealed to be a hoax by The German Vegetarian Society or Vebu. They pulled the stunt to highlight consumers' attention to "the evils of meat-eating." said Sebastian Zosch, a Vebu spokesman.

He also mentioned that livestock farming produces massive amounts of greenhouse gases and that becoming a vegetarian would drastically cut water usage worldwide.

However, the message seemed to have fallen on hungry deaf ears. Unconfirmed reports say that the messages were drowned out by the activists own screams when frustrated patrons devoured the whiny-veggie-maggot people.

"Try the leg of Zosch," said one blood-slathered customer, "It's been marinating in its own juices for years"


So, we've all seen Bear Grylls running about on Discovery Channel, drinking his fluids to stay alive. But would you consider drinking some else's piss to get... well, pissed?

http://cdni.wired.co.uk/674x281/o_r/pisskey.png

Now usually you have to pay extra for that kind of action but one James Gilpin has decided to take the urine of old folks and use it to create Gilpin Family Whisky. The product, which Gilpin admits is more of an art piece than a commercial venture, will be bottled with the name and age of the contributor emblazoned on it. That's one way to be immortalized. "Quit hogging grand pa you greedy bastard! I want a taste of him too!!"


And staying with booze, a Texan man has invented deep-fried beer. Made of pretzel dough with a beer-filed pocket in the centre, it's as close to beer ravioli as you'll ever get. Mark Zable, the inventor will be exhibiting his grand design at a deep-friend food contest to be held at the Texas State Fair. And it doesn't lose any alcohol content in the manufacturing process so all those roid-raged bodybuilders out there can finally fulfil their dream of carbo-loading and getting wasted at the same time. Well yeehaw. Now call in the airstrike. We don't need these people breeding.


Sometimes, you're just a douche bag with time on your hands. This was proven when a man was arrested on the end of the runway, at Paris Orly Airport. He was using a laser to blind pilots coming in to land. Unconfirmed reports say that when asked why he was doing it, he said he wanted to ensure that it was indeed their final approach.

Another airline story finds an old lady learning a valuable lesson: Tea is hot, don't try wearing it. A British plane en route to Poland made an emergency landing after a 56-year old woman scalded herself when she spilled her tea. So, they landed the plane, treated her wound, and then took off. The lady took the train instead. Apparently the train serves its tea in sippy cups.


Pussy saves a town! Several actually. The town of Houtong, Taiwan, has experienced a boon in tourism as people come from far and wide to pet the calico-coloured cats that roam free in the streets.

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/c/c1/C0448-Kstovo-Calico-cat-with-kitten.jpg

Coincidentally, there is no Chinese take-away with-in 40 miles of the town.


And elsewhere is the world we find the Iranian Doctor Dolittle. Amir Rahbari, a professional animal trainer, lives in his 20 metre square apartment with his crocodile, three snakes, an eagle and a miniature monkey - for ease of storage, I'm guessing. He describes them as his children, his family. Date night must be fun. Amir has worked on several film and claims he can cure any actor or actress of an animal phobia in 30 minutes. I'll bet, it's the monkey or the croc, your call buddy.


Education is a key stepping stone in life. So naturally, when you're attending a new primary school, you'll need a new pen. One that projects porn... Wait, what?

Children attending the Adolf Reichwein School in Berlin were given traditional gift cones on their first day. The cones contained new pens that, when activated, projected erotic images of women.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/ibftp/2185030651/#/photos/ibftp/2185030651/lightbox/

Giving fap fodder to six-year olds, school's changed since I was a lad. The pens were a gift from the German Communist Party. And they say Communists have no sense of humour. They claim that the pens were bought at a discount store. Mmm, cheap and sleazy, a double-whammy of delight. You guys definitely are with the government.


And finally... while some people flush their money down the toilet, others simply buy the toilet. A poo throne that once belonged to John Lennon, has gone for £9500 at the Beatles week festival auction, held in Liverpool.

http://www.reuters.com/resources/r/?m=02&d=20100830&t=2&i=192994469&w=320&fh=&fw=&ll=&pl=&r=2010-08-30T165518Z_01_BTRE67T1B0900_RTROPTP_0_BRITAIN-LENNON

The Beatle bog was originally removed from Lennon's Berkshire flat after John boy moved out in 1971. It then sat unshat in a builder's shed for 40 years till the builder expired. The defecation saddle was then sent to the auction. The buyer of the porcelain pooping stool, was not identified. I guess because you don't really get girls by saying, "I just bought a famous man's shitter, wanna see it?"

Go figure.


This concludes this week's edition of The Opening Monologue. See you next week and remember, you haven't heard it all till you've heard The Last Say On Sunday.

Goodbye.

Posted by vittorio at 05:41 PM | Comments (0)

September 14, 2010

The Opening Monologue - 14/09/2010

The Opening Monologue - Tuesday the 14th of September 2010
Written by Vittorio Leonardi.


Good evening.

This week may be a slightly angrier Monologue than normal. Over the past week, I've seen what cannot be unseen; I've read about humans that should've been deleted years ago and, more often than not, I've encountered the ever present truth that beggars honestly think that I'll believe their long-winded sob stories about sisters and children that don't exist and how R2 or a sandwich can fix what ails them.

It seems the smart ones among us usually aren't homeless. Take heart in that.

For these and many other reasons, I'd like to ask the internet as a whole the following question:

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?!

Allow me to explain...

We can all remember when the credit crunch came along and, ever so gently, booted us in our collective squidgy bits. On the upside, it seems that being frugal is now very fashionable. Unfortunately, it didn't take long for those a**holes at the home shopping networks to catch on.

They've put a spin on it and right away have tried to turn frugality into cash. People are again spending money on cash saving items which is kind of like f***ing for virginity.

Here's a thought. Before you buy the wonderful, shiny, oh-that's-such-a-pretty gadget, ask yourself: "Am I about to be boned by the liars again and do I really need this item?"

One device that springs to mind beeps when your milk is going to go off. For $10 less, you could simply have CHECKED THE DAMN EXPIRY DATE YOU LAZY SHIT!


Speaking of gadgetry, a new headset called the XWave may make mind control a reality. At least on your iPod. Apparently the device rests on your forehead, picking up the electrical signals that change along with your thoughts. If it works, it'll be a boon for quadriplegics and the like.

http://dvice.com/assets_c/2010/09/xwavecontrol1-thumb-550xauto-46441.jpg

But let's face it, we all know it'll be fat f***s at home that'll be using it to change the channel, use their RC truck to get beer and using it mentally dial the pizza den to order even more take-out.

And all that without even having to move an engorged limb.

On the upside, it means the morbidly obese will be dead sooner and they can stop being a burden on the Earth's axis.

Yay, a happy ending.

Note: If you found that last bit offensive, go for a jog, tubbo.


Chris Van Niekerk, the guy that played Francois on 7de Laan, has proven that the drugs do work. He was busted at Bloemfontein Airport with a dastardly amount of weed: A whole 0,015g of weed, a whole R100 worth. Conveniently, that's what they fined him. He paid the fine and he still made his flight.

Wow, R100 worth of weed. Book him skippy! He's carrying enough weed to give a toddler the munchies... almost.

Isn't it great to know that even in Bloemfontein, your taxes are being spent to harass people that, if they were high could threaten nothing except a buffet?

When asked why he had the weed, he said his doctor prescribed it to him for pain management. Now I thought he was taking it to deal with the trauma of doing 7de Laan. It seems that Mr. Van Niekerk has broken his neck... twice. Dude, a gun is so much quicker.


Meet the ReD Foxes.

http://englishrussia.com/index.php/2010/09/04/banned-beauties/

They're a dance team. They've been banned from performing at the FIBA basketball championships where Muslim teams are playing, this year.

Why? Their onstage dresses have been claimed to be too provocative by the audience.

I don't know about you guys but there's a reason I hate test audiences. No one will ever choose what porn I ponder.


A man broke into a house in Redhill, Surrey in the early hours of the morning to steal bacon.

What?

That's right; he stole a pack of bacon. That's all... just bacon. However, just to make things weird, he left one rasher of pig flesh on the door knob of the front door as he left.

Why leave the rasher? Because when the munchies hit, sharing is caring.

Remember kids, when burglars get stoned, lock up your fridges.


Students at The University of Baltimore can now enjoy studying the undead. Arnold Bloomberg, author of "Zombiemania" will be teaching the course. The course is said to be must for anyone joining Parliament.


The Romanian Government has decided that it won't be taxing witches and fortune tellers. If passed, the law would have required all soothsayers to provide receipts and would have held them liable for false predictions.

No protests were given when the law was originally drafted. I guess the ladies foresaw this one coming.


A study done in Europe has found out what dance moves are more likely to attract the ladies. Apparently, men who move their necks and trunks more to the beat are most likely to attract women.

Of course they will. Let's just hope that their laughing doesn't drown out the music.

"A good dancer displays larger and more variable movements in relation to bending and twisting movements of their head/neck and torso, and faster bending and twisting movements of their right knee." Said the researchers.

Well, hell boys, well done. You've successfully mapped out a fit.

Speaking of fancy footwork, The Aussies have been told to respect the Hakka and not to approach the Kiwis while it's being performed, lest they wish to be fined.

This proves my theory that rugby is becoming a little effeminate. The Hakka is a dance of aggression, but don't come near us while we're performing or we'll scratch your eyes out, you scare us you big brutes!


And finally... some fishermen practice catch-and-release. Others, however, seem to be practicing catch, drag it to shore and man the harpoons.

It took Raphael Biagini ten minutes to reel in the monster on his line. When he finally caught it, he met this:

http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2010/09/07/article-1309880-0B11B738000005DC-848_634x434.jpg


That is a goldfish. A genuine, 30lb, no-bowl-ever-made-is-big-enough-for-this-mutant goldfish. Has anyone checked the factory effluent flowing into this lake?

After taking a few photos with the orange behemoth, Biagini released the beast back into the water, much to the annoyance of fellow fisherman.

Apparently, Biagini caught the monster koi carp just after being told by fellow anglers that for years, they'd been trying to catch the legendary "giant goldfish."

Proving once again that a younger man will always have better luck catching something fishy.


This concludes this week's edition of The Opening Monologue. See you next week and remember, you haven't heard it all till you've heard The Last Say On Sunday.

Goodbye.

Posted by vittorio at 08:00 PM | Comments (0)

September 22, 2010

The Opening Monologue - 22/09/2010

The Opening Monologue - Wednesday the 22nd of September 2010
Written by Vittorio Leonardi.


Good evening.

What a wonderful experience it is to welcome back Summer: a season that brings with it all the joys of insects, hayfever, blinding glare, sweating more people juice than you thought a human body could produce, and the eternal search for a comfortable seat with built-in air conditioning.

With such wonders happening every day, it's no wonder some folks are going bonkers.

It would seem that the world is nuttier than the week before. The kid gloves are off as the cops get one step closer to blowing away suspects, Satan rears his head in a bathroom, the Pope shows he's still a grumpy pants at heart, the Feds ban a teenager from the US and we have this week's dumbest burglar. With all that to look forward to, we can ignore the fact that summer is here and the living is sweaty.

South Africa took another step towards becoming an old Western as cabinet passed the Shoot To Kill Bill allowing cops to frag suspects during the course of an arrest. The powers that be have said that the shooting of a suspect solely to carry out an arrest is permitted in very limited circumstances. These include:

1. The theft and/or driving of a Hyundai. With the word Dai in the title, you're asking for it.

2. Attempted intimidation with a BB gun.

3. Singing De La Rey at a Pirates-Chiefs soccer match.

4. Being a Metro Police officer on strike.


The list is still under review.


Speaking of crime and criminals, this is would-be burglar, Anthony Gawthrop.

http://i.telegraph.co.uk/telegraph/multimedia/archive/01715/Anthony-Gawthrop_1715056c.jpg

Captain Hoodie over here decided it would be okay to help a mate steal a laptop. All would've gone swimmingly had the fine fellow not made one slight miscalculation.... he left his cellphone at the crime scene. The cops identified him with the pictures on it.

So, once again, this is what a dumbass looks like:

http://i.telegraph.co.uk/telegraph/multimedia/archive/01715/Anthony-Gawthrop_1715056c.jpg

Handsome devil yes?

But wait, there's more: he has three previous convictions for burglary! First he claimed that his phone had been conveniently nicked an hour and a half before the crime. He even smsed his phone saying, "Whoever has got my phone better give it back."

But the judge is having none of it. Back to jail with you.

Dude, after four strikes, I'd thought you would've learned that this is not your game. Try something less taxing... like walking and breathing at the same time.


Staying with English buffoonery, a 17-year old UK teen has gotten himself banned from the US for life after he sent an abusive email to the White House.

Harsh much?

Perhaps. But the problem is, his email was addressed to Barack Obama.

Meet the sender of the inflammatory email - Luke Angel:

http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2010/09/13/article-1311701-0B2C6E3B000005DC-365_224x339.jpg

Wow. So gay.

Here's what went down: Luke got drunk, watched a conspiracy theory documentary about the September 11th attacks, got pissed off by the show and decided to tell Obama exactly what he thought of him. Apparently, he thinks he may have called President Obama a prick. Nice one dude.

Thought: Bush was president during 9/11.

Another thought: It's that easy to get in touch with a world leader?

But the news is not all bad. Rush Limbaugh, Pat Robertson and Al-Qaeda want to make Luke their Angel. See, a happy ending.


Those of you that thought the seating on Mango was cramped, hold onto your sleeping bottoms. These are the latest in space-saving airline chairs.

This is the new SkyRider:

http://i.telegraph.co.uk/telegraph/multimedia/archive/01715/plane-seat_1715014c.jpg

http://i.telegraph.co.uk/telegraph/multimedia/archive/01715/seat_1715015c.jpg

http://i.telegraph.co.uk/telegraph/multimedia/archive/01715/seat3_1715016c.jpg

Well, yeehaw.

*Facepalm*

These Inquisition-approved wonder chairs are the brainfart of Italian company, Aviointeriors Group. Methinks these prats haven't ever flown in economy class.

A few of the design features on these babies include all your weight being put on your legs for the duration of your flight and even more passengers crammed into planes.

While the designers say their chair is comfortable, they don't recommend using it on anything longer than a three-hour flight.

Is that all? Well what the hell was I worried about?

Comfortable, my aching ass!

"For flights anywhere from one to possibly even up to three hours ... this would be comfortable seating. The seat ... is like a saddle. Cowboys ride eight hours on their horses during the day and still feel comfortable in the saddle."

Now I reckon you ain't ever been in a saddle before, have ya boy?

Yeah, sure, if you're nine it's comfortable in a saddle. Even a bucket seat is comfy at that age. The problem for some of us is that our buckets are bigger than their seats.


The Pope was on a roll this week, both figuratively and literally, in his faith-in-action armour-plated Pontiff purveyor.

http://uvcarmel.files.wordpress.com/2008/04/popemobile_may_2007.jpg

He had a fun time in Britain dodging any issues of actual importance like why paedophile priests are still in the Divine Fiddler Protection Programme.

Instead he focussed on sending one of his Cardinals packing after the red cap called the UK a third-world country. He also alluded that atheism was to blame for the atrocities committed by the Nazis.

All of this while ignoring the slight issue of Pope Benedict having been a Hitler youth, albeit an unenthusiastic one.

Oh well, I guess so.

That whole "The Pope's infallible" thing means he's always right. It must come in handy, especially during Trivial Pursuit. Besides, all those speeches Hitler gave describing himself as a Christian, that God was behind the Nazis and that atheism was a cancer of the communists... I guess he was just talking smack on those days.

Some things you've just got to take on faith.


And finally... Remodelling the bathroom can be a great bonding experience with your spouse: you choose your tiles, the matching paint, decide on the shower, bath and toilet fittings, all the while cementing the bond between you and you partner.

And then Satan appears in the tiles.

Pardon?

http://img.thesun.co.uk/multimedia/archive/01125/devil-682_1125993a.jpg

Yup, Old Scratch has decided to appear in the one place he can cause maximum damage - a Hungarian bathroom. Hell yeah! That'll get the apocalypse started up right quick.

It seems Laszlo Csrefko and his wife, Andrea, blew a bundle getting their bathroom redone. But tragedy struck when Andrea tried out the shower. She stepped out of the steam and vapour and lo and behold, the serpent was in her midst. And not her husband's either.

She said: "I was naked coming out of the shower and I could suddenly see his eyes staring into me. I just screamed and ran."

Laszlo added: "We can't clean it off and it wasn't there when we put the tiles up. It just appeared overnight and nothing can move it."

Tried a hammer yet?

"The room is always ice cold no matter how high we turn the heating up and we've just stopped using it because it's too spooky."

But it does aid in a successful bowl movement.

After getting over the initial shock, the couple decided on a rational course of action: an exorcism to cleanse the bathroom of evil spirits.

*Sigh*

Have they considered Mr. Muscle? Or perhaps inviting over some Jehovah's Witnesses? No one sticks around for long when the door knockers arrive.

Laszlo said: "We need some help from God or from the spirit world or we're going to seal up the room forever."

Or the spirit world, huh? Well at least they're keeping their options open. You never know, The Ghost of Poopies Past could turn up any day now.


This concludes this week's edition of The Opening Monologue. See you next week and remember, you haven't heard it all till you've heard The Last Say On Sunday.

Goodbye.

Posted by vittorio at 05:27 AM | Comments (0)

September 29, 2010

The Opening Monologue - 29/09/2010

The Opening Monologue - Wednesday the 29th of September 2010
Written by Vittorio Leonardi.


Good evening.

The last few days have been ones of great expectations: A time when I hope that it rains; that people realise that we're all on THE SAME planet and should share it; that the homeless realise that just because I'm big doesn't mean I know where the food is; and that the planetary cull of the stupid will soon be kicking off. But, as I looked at yesterday's sky, with heavy clouds but no rain, I realised that the sky and clouds were acting like the strippers at Teazer's: The clouds are happy to show us how potentially wet everything could get, but we won't get to touch any of that moisture. Ever.

So, with that pent up frustration I deliver you another list of whom you should never let touch you on your studio.


It's possible that Moses was a big windbag after all. Scientists at The National Centre for Atmospheric Research and The University of Colorado have used computer simulations that suggest that wind could have caused the parting of The Red Sea.

https://www2.ucar.edu/sites/default/files/news/2010/redsea_a_UCAR-final.jpg

According to them its highly plausible (they would think so since it's their grant money on the line) that a wind of 63 miles per hour, blowing through the night, could have caused the land bridge needed to for the Israelites to get away and later, drown several pyramid builders.

The problem is that a 63 mph wind is the equivalent of a gale force tornado. So unless the Israelites were towing a trailer park, this theory seems full of hot air.


Moving off world now, it seems the full moon is always the subject of some fascination: did we land there? Why do some members of the family need shaving when it's full? And why does baring your ass to strangers get referred to as mooning? Well, a Belgium beer company has decided to use the power of the autumnal full moon in brewing a new beer that encompasses all that clout. It's called Paix-Dieu or Peace-God. With an alcohol volume of 10% per bottle, it's likely that's what you'll say after knocking back six of these.

http://www.reuters.com/resources/r/?m=02&d=20100924&t=2&i=211333109&w=320&fh=&fw=&ll=&pl=&r=2010-09-24T171444Z_01_BTRE68N1BWO00_RTROPTP_0_LIFE-BELGIUM-BEER

"We made several tests and noticed that the fermentation was more vigorous, more active," explained Roger Caulier, the owner of Brewery Caulier. "The end product was completely different, stronger, with a taste lasting longer in the mouth," he said.

Tell you what spanky, you drink a few of those and pass out, there's a whole other reason why you're got a funny taste in your mouth.


Statistically, a jury is more likely to find a good-looking person innocent. If that's the case, then this lady is so screwed.

http://www.reuters.com/resources/r/?m=02&d=20100924&t=2&i=211263707&w=390&fh=390&fw=&ll=&pl=&r=2010-09-24T152919Z_01_BTRE68N170Z00_RTROPTP_0_BELGIUM-MURDER-PARACHUTE

http://www.reuters.com/resources/r/?m=02&d=20100924&t=2&i=211263705&w=390&fh=390&fw=&ll=&pl=&r=2010-09-24T152919Z_01_BTRE68N170X00_RTROPTP_0_BELGIUM-MURDER-PARACHUTE

Meet Els Clottemans. She was in a love triangle with Els Van Doren and Marcel Somers. She stands accused of murdering Van Dorens so she could have Somers all to herself. And now for the fun facts:

1. She is accused of murdering Van Doren by sabotaging her chute sending the victim on a 14000 feet freefall.

2. The accused is an experienced ski diver.

3. The accused was diagnosed by psychiatrists as "showing signs that she suffers from a psychopathic disorder."

4. My favourite fact: The accused is an elementary school teacher.

So... once again, meet Els Clottermans.

http://www.reuters.com/resources/r/?m=02&d=20100924&t=2&i=211263707&w=390&fh=390&fw=&ll=&pl=&r=2010-09-24T152919Z_01_BTRE68N170Z00_RTROPTP_0_BELGIUM-MURDER-PARACHUTE

Oh yeah, she's pwned. Away to the puzzle factory with her!


Now on to fashion and first-aid. I'll explain. A fashion designer and a professor of particle technology have banded together to create a new fabric - spray-on clothing.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ScvdFeh1aOw

http://www.reuters.com/news/video?videoId=162840746

When testing is complete, the substance will be packaged in an aerosol can to allow for an instant wardrobe change at the press of a nozzle. And as to the medical applications, the cloth, once inside the can, is sterile and can be used as a spray-on bandage. The upside - unlike bandage packs, the contents of the can can't be exposed to the air and so can be reused.

So now, even the homeless can look fabulous dahling!


Moving to Tirana, Albania and this week's dumbest criminals. Two men were arrested while attempting to tunnel into a bank.

http://www.reuters.com/resources/r/?m=02&d=20100922&t=2&i=209822115&w=390&fh=390&fw=&ll=&pl=&r=2010-09-22T182043Z_01_BTRE68L1EYL00_RTROPTP_0_ALBANIA-BANK

http://www.reuters.com/resources/r/?m=02&d=20100922&t=2&i=209822114&w=390&fh=390&fw=&ll=&pl=&r=2010-09-22T182043Z_01_BTRE68L1EYM00_RTROPTP_0_ALBANIA-BANK

Their plan seemed fool-proof, not realising they were a better brand of fool. The gents rented a store above the bank and from there, decided to tunnel into the bank.

Two problems:

1. The techniques they used is similar to the plot of the Woody Allen film "Small Time Crooks" (Irony).

2. They forgot that sound travels. They were nabbed when the noise from their drilling between the upper floor shop and the bank vault alerted the authorities.

"We moved in when they were in the last stages of finishing the tunnel," Tirana police chief Tonin Vocaj told reporters.

Curses, foiled again. Damn you, physics!


Germany now where police seized what might have been the early makings of another visit to Poland. German authorities confiscated 86 weapons, dating from World Wars 1 & 2, from the house of a Bavarian man that had died two years ago. The arsenal included assault rifles, revolvers, tommy guns, 21 detonators and explosive devices, seven hand grenades, 23 metal boxes containing various types of munitions... and a partridge in a pear treeeeee!

The cache was discovered by the deceased man's son after he was clearing out the house. No word yet as to the rumour that grandpa died by accidentally shooting himself. It's not like he wasn't spoiled for choice. If you're going to frag yourself, go out with a classic.

In response to the story, the Polish have fortified their borders while the French have surrendered.


Onward to Mexico where grabbing a bite has just become easier. It seems that at least 280 crocodiles have escaped from a refuge near the Gulf of Mexico after Hurricane Karl swept through the area.

http://www.reuters.com/resources/r/?m=02&d=20100924&t=2&i=211249374&w=390&fh=390&fw=&ll=&pl=&r=2010-09-24T150314Z_01_BTRE68N15TH00_RTROPTP_0_MEXICO-CROCODILES

Depending on whom you ask the numbers of escapees varies between 280 and 400 crocs. These ancient dinosaurs can grow up to 10 feet long, like long swims in the moonlight and unsuspecting campers on a late-night swim.

No word yet as to the rumour that Hurricane Karl was paid off to effect the crocodiles release although authorities say that somebody wearing alligator shoes had greatly disturbed the creatures two days before.

In an unrelated story, 15 border-crossers, 95 border guards and 17 drug mules have also gone missing.


In what some may call mistake number one, Dublin police have decided to send "test" youths to pubs. They are to check if landlords are abiding by the laws prohibiting the sale of booze to under 18's. The plan is to get permission from their parents first as I doubt there will be any problem getting volunteers. Some 16 year olds may even take it as a challenge. On the list of other possible targets: sending the youths to a casino and then, a strip club. No booze, no gambling and no live boobies. No wonder the youth of the UK are going all Mr Stabby.

http://images.mirror.co.uk/upl/m4/jan2009/6/4/028695BB-EE00-F3D1-998E41C58A4E7534.jpg


And finally... sometimes you read a story and find it very difficult to feel sorry for the victim. Such was my impression in the case of Jimi Heselden, aged 62.

http://uktodaynews.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/09/Heselden.jpg

Jimi Hesleden was a multi-millionaire and, till recently, the owner of the Segway Company - the company responsible for these things.

http://www.broadbandsoup.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/08/segway.jpg

Three guess as to why I'm speaking about Jimi in the past tense. Well it seems that Jimi was out doing this:

http://www.segway.com/img/content/take-a-ride-4.jpg

On one of these:

http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2010/09/27/article-1315518-0B60BA9A000005DC-70_468x580.jpg

When this happened:

http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2010/09/28/article-1315518-0B60D492000005DC-924_468x417.jpg

The moral of the story: No matter how much cash you have, what you own, how much you donate to charity and what a nice person you are, a sense of direction and situational awareness will always be priceless.


This concludes this week's edition of The Opening Monologue. See you next week and remember, you haven't heard it all till you've heard The Last Say On Sunday.

Goodbye.

Posted by vittorio at 05:06 PM | Comments (0)

October 05, 2010

The Opening Monologue - 05/10/2010

The Opening Monologue - Tuesday the 5th of October 2010
Written by Vittorio Leonardi.

Good evening.

A new month has dawned and with it the hope that species may finally understand that because you can doesn't necessarily mean you should. However, this doesn't mean that we should be resting on our laurels. The gene pool still needs way too much chlorine to be comfortable. Our collective eyes are still burning so the cull must continue.

However, I do start this week with a glimmer of hope, albeit a distant one.

Julius Malema will be gone by April 2011!!

Yes, it's true! The King of Foot-in-Mouth, the Lord of Poo-Poo Mouth, our very own superhero - Designated Distraction Man - will be out of here come next year. Try not to start counting the days right away.

Few can forget how, in April 2008, South Africa got its most vicious April fool's Joke as JM took office. But, with less than seven months to go, one can only wonder if it'll happen again.

Julius certainly isn't making friends on the way out: a few choice words to various government leaders including Nzelinzima Vavi and a public spat with President JZ; the continual need to nationalize the mines and wonderful comments on Helen Zille, have left him with no bridges left to torpedo.

Just a noisy foghorn in the mist of his own belligerence.

. There is a slight chance Julius could be granted an extension till June. Some might say that this is unfair, but SA comedians may be on the list of people that are sad to see him go. With Julius leaving, where are we to find free material? Oh wait... we still have Parliament.

Never mind lads! The jokes on them!!


There's a reason Strictly Come Dancing will never be done in Turkey: its way too violent. A New Zealand court convicted a Turkish of assaulting his wife. The man's defence: he and his wife were celebrating a profitable lunchtime's trade with a traditional dance called kolbasti, which features mock wrestling, hitting and kicking.

This is the kolbasti
.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5t3wBQE9GHQ

Just a dance, huh? I guess next you're going to tell me you were just cleaning your fist and it went off.


Zimbabwe is not known for its great decision makers. However, one has to be fearful of the mental faculties - or lack thereof - that it takes to believe this next story. A Zimbabwean woman called Nomatter Tagarira convinced several high level Zim government people that she could get diesel from a rock. It used to be blood now its fossil fuel. And they say there's been no progress on the planet.

And it was a great con too. When she stroked a rock, an assistant would open a tap to a secret tank and the fuel would come gushing out of the stone. In response, they reacted calmly. Since she could solve the country's crippling fuel shortage, they gave her £1.7 million, a farm, an armed guard and one time, a 50-vehicle convoy, to carry out her sacred BS.

"Thank you, thank you, but I couldn't have done it without the help of the guy that rigs your elections."

You read right. Tobaiwa Mudede, the registrar general in charge of the issue of all personal documentation, the guy that signed off on all the gear they gave her, had originally supplied Tagarira with 125 litres of diesel fuel to use in her performances.

After the administration woke up to the hoax, Mudede hid the BS medium from the police.

However, no action is known to have been taken against Mudede, who has been in charge of managing elections for most of the last 30 years, including a decade of disputed polls.

The medium, on the other hand, has been sentenced to three or more years in Chikurubi Prison. Oh well, I guess that's fair. I mean, how dare she con the con artists? They fought long and hard to get to the pinnacle of their fields.

Now go sit in your cell and think about what you've done young lady.


America may be facing a new wave of attacks very soon and this time, from Mother Nature. After the BP oil spill that would not die, lawmakers have decided that the American Pygmy Rabbit,

http://cdn.24.com/files/Cms/General/d/898/7c8bf9c841df4d5b87042eec8948e1e7.jpg

is not worthy of being put on the endangered species list.

"But, the pygmy rabbit is the smallest and one of only two rabbits in North America that make its own burrows. And he's so cute too." Cried the bunny huggers.

"Well tough luck," says the government. "The little guy will just have to learn to live in a trailer park like the rest of forgotten America. Besides, if we protect him, how are we going to profit from all these energy and farming projects that are coming up? It's not like the bunny can drive a tractor."

"Well, you have a point there," said the now-tree huggers. "I guess you're on your own, fuzzy."

"Ah, crap," said the bunnies "Where the hell is Bugs Bunny when you need him?!"

"Never fear," said the local Al-Qaeda rep. "I will give your life meaning again, now put on this jacket, find an infidel's home and burrow for all you're worth!"

Yeah, look at me like I'm crazy, it could happen. Leave the damn bunnies alone!


In response to the possibility of an all out bunny blasting brigade, Las Vegas has built a death ray. MGM Resorts International has a very swanky hotel and condominium complex called Vdara in Vegas. The twit that designed it thought it would be a wonderful idea to make it look like this.

http://www.reuters.com/resources/r/?m=02&d=20101001&t=2&i=216288488&w=320&fh=&fw=&ll=&pl=&r=2010-10-01T184203Z_01_BTRE6901FY700_RTROPTP_0_VDARA

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/b/b7/Vdara_-_South_-_2010-03-06.JPG

For those of you without basic science, realize that that monstrosity is a giant solar convergence panel. It collects, focuses and then reflects blazing desert sunshine, capable of melting plastic and singing hair.

And what was MGM's reaction to this?

http://ritesofpatches.files.wordpress.com/2009/08/meh-cat.jpg

They decided to give out more umbrellas, and in emergencies, asbestos.

How is Al-Qaeda not winning this war? When your enemy willingly builds a death ray - worthy of a James Bond villain - in their own back yard all you have to do is sit back and wait for the smell of macon in the morning.


A recent US survey has shown that though Atheists and Agnostics don't believe in God, they know a fair amount about him.

Some of the survey results include:

1. More than four-in-10 Catholics do not know that their church teaches that the bread and wine used in Communion actually become the body and blood of Christ.

2. About half of Protestants cannot correctly identify Martin Luther as the person who sparked the Protestant Reformation.

3. Less than half identified Buddhism as the Dalai Lama's religion, 51 percent knew that Joseph Smith was Mormon and 54 percent correctly said the Koran is the Islamic holy book. More than 80 percent knew that Mother Teresa was Catholic.

4. Nine-in-10 Americans know U.S. Supreme Court rulings do not allow teachers to lead public school classes in prayer. But two-thirds incorrectly said Supreme Court rulings prevent them from using the Bible as an example of literature.

So, in the end this survey proves what most of should know: Atheists and Agnostics know so much about religion because:

1. You can't poke fun at folks unless you know all the facts.

2. Know your enemy when they come knocking on a Sunday morning.


Celebrity product endorsements are nothing new. Pierre Spies flogs OUTsurance, Joost supports the cocaine cartels and strippers. In the end, it's all about good business savvy.

So it's a special time when a celebrity-endorsed cereal advertises a sex line number that supposed to be for a charity.

The sex line or the charity, bubba? Here's a thought, next time you get a number, check it first.

"The wrong number was given by the Feed the Children charity," Ochocinco's agent Robert Bailey said. "It's a shame because it's a good cause."

The charity or the sex line, bubba?


Here are some other points of note from across the sea:

A St. Louis man has beaten the odds and won the lottery, twice. All together now...
DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSS!!


The Boston Fire Department received a donation that will allow the supply of small oxygen masks designed for pets. Don't animals have a heightened sense of smell? Surely they would be the first to leave when the smoke hits the fan. So basically we're not only saving dumb people from fire and asphyxiation, we're saving their pets too. Great guys, this why the gene pool is in the crapper.

What?! I'm just saying.


And finally... Star Wars is set to make a comeback... Oh goody. *facepalm*

http://www.collider.com/wp-content/image-base/Clubhouse/F/Funny_Pictures/slices/slice_star_wars_stormtrooper_facepalm_01.jpg

Don't get me wrong, I'm a huge fan of the Star Wars Hexalogy.. However...

George Lucas still isn't done flogging that bag of bones of a dead horse. The Hexalogy will be now converted to 3D so that geeks the world over can be conned into seeing the same six films yet again.

And why not, says I? You just keep doing what you do George and don't listen to those "normal" swine. When you think about it... there is an upside.

You want a reason to look forward to a 3D Star Wars movie?

Bring on the 3D Princess Leia Bronze Bikini!!

http://mydisguises.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/07/slave-leia-group-photo-1.jpg

http://www.snowbuni.com/YaBB_misc/MISC_slaveleia_pillowfight.jpg

I know it only covers one movie, but hell, I'm not Yoda.


This concludes this week's edition of The Opening Monologue. See you next week and remember, you haven't heard it all till you've heard The Last Say On Sunday.

Goodbye.

Posted by vittorio at 07:06 PM | Comments (0)

October 13, 2010

The Opening Monologue - 13/10/2010

The Opening Monologue - Tuesday the 5th of October 2010
Written by Vittorio Leonardi.


Good evening.

And the beat goes on... it seems that the insanity train stopped on every continent this week. Every corner is covered in the nuttiness of a world happily in touch with its eccentricity. It is thus, in this spirit, that I give you another chapter in The Chronicles of Nutterville a.k.a. Earth.

We begin our tale here at home. Police raided a farm in Nelspruit and found 17000 rounds of ammunition - most of it R4 assault rifle type - allegedly stolen from Hoedspruit air force base.

And now the fun facts:

The farm is called Jaglus - which can creatively be translated as Hunting Lust. As is often the case, the clue is in the title.

The suspect is a former air force flight instructor, turned mercenary. And not in that "deeply philosophical, The Expendables" kind of way either.

There is a second safe that the cops haven't opened yet... I'm guessing that's where he has hidden his collapsible fort and fold out bazooka.

Moral of the story:

Whenever one decides to prepare for the Zombie Apocalypse, remember that there will always be those that misunderstand your preparations. Let them scoff. When the horde comes, you'll have the last nom, nom!


A man in the UK has been ordered to snip his phallus or face a stiff fine. I'll let you decide.

http://www.cambridge-news.co.uk/Home/Offensive-hedge-gets-the-snip.htm

It seems not everyone in Haddenham likes to see Ian Ashemeade's well trimmed bush. He claims that it was just naturally growing in that shape so he helped it along. I'll bet you did oh horny hat wearer. As a side note, he is also the World Pea Shooting Champion. No really. He won the title at the World Pea Shooting Championships held in Witcham this past summer. Well ladies, he's single, shoots his pea far and can really trim a bush.

How is he single?


Staying in Britain... do you want to catch criminals and be rewarded for doing it, and all that from the comfort of your pc? Hell yes! Well, this is the latest in a series of attempts at getting lethargic dole earners to make themselves useful. For a small fee, Internet Eyes will give you access to CCTV footage streaming in live from various UK department stores. The idea is that with so many cameras, they need people to watch them. And if you catch someone doing something illegal, you hit your handy, dandy alert button and the store security monkeys pounce.

Depending on the criminal hooked, you could get up to £1000. I don't see how this could be abused, do you?

Now we needn't worry about freedoms being infringed upon. The company says they'll screen everyone that applies so as to weed out the voyeurs. Yeah, right. Then how did I get these?

http://www.boston.com/news/globe/ideas/brainiac/airport_xray_scanner.jpg

http://lefttochance.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-o-matic/cache/29205_airport_x-ray_scanner_sexy_woman_naked.jpg

Where is your privacy law poopy now?!!


Rock band Weezer has been offered $10 million to leave, be gone and, in general, to sod off... by their fans. A group of frustrated former fans have clasped handies and asked the Music Gods to please let the band err on the side of greed and release themselves from making disappointing music.

"This is an abusive relationship," the project's creator said. "It needs to [end]."
"I'm tired of it," James Burns explained to Seattle's the Stranger. "Every year, Rivers Cuomo swears that he's changed, and that [Weezer's] new album is the best thing that he's done since Pinkerton, and what happens? Another pile of crap like Beverly Hills or I'm Your Daddy. I beg you, Weezer," he said. "Take our money and disappear."

The bands response?

The band's drummer, Patrick Wilson, commented on Twitter: "If they can make it 20[million dollars]," he wrote, "We'll do the 'deluxe breakup.'"

Well, here's the site if you want to help out.

http://www.thepoint.com/campaigns/campaign-0-1079

So far they've raised a whopping $273. Failing the bribe, there's always this:

http://olegvolk.net/gallery/d/26747-1/lahti_20mm_4251.jpg


It finally happened. The most irritating song on the most irritating ride has killed someone. A cleaner working at Disneyland, Paris, was cleaning the It's A Small World After All ride when he inexplicably slipped, fell under a boat and got trapped.

I have been on this ride. It's the happiest in the world. It shines. It sings. It sparkles. Everyone is happy. Pure evil.

This is what the ride is like. You be the judge of what the measure of true evil is.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7bNWkXvNDTE

The Horror...


Meanwhile in Germany... It's not bad enough that the catholic church has a nasty reputation of playing "Pin The Charge On The Bishop", now it seems a Catholic aid society (legal aid I'm guessing) has decided to cancel Santa Claus.

Now before we go burning effigies and freaking out like certain unmentionable fundamentalists, here's their reasoning.

Santa Claus is "an invention of the advertising industry designed to boost sales" and as "a representative of consumer society" who has little to do with the historical figure of St Nicolas.

Wait, wasn't this fight already done on South Park? Oh no, wait, that was Santa Vs. Jesus. My bad. Please continue.

Their website describes Nicolas, the patron saint of children, as "a helper in need who reminds us to be kind, to think of our neighbours, and to give the gift of happiness."

Oh well, I guess since they booted St. Christopher, the Catholic church needs a new kiddie mascot protector person.

"Unlike Santa Claus, Nicolas wants to give children inner riches and not just encourage them to strive for material wealth," German TV presenter Nina Ruege was quoted saying.

So you're saying that you want kids to give up their presents... Good luck with that. Realise that you'll be condemning parents worldwide to this.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zM8ym0FqM_k

I do like the message at the end. A more apt one would be, "All he Wanted Was A Blowjob."


Onward to the Pacific Rim - not a porno - where the government of The Philippines is about to join the Draconian Laws bandwagon.

Ever wondered why patriotism is a good idea? That's because it isn't. And in The Philippines, they're just one vote away from charging you for fowling up their national anthem.

The idea is to build patriotism through bullcrap laws and intimidation.

"Our Congress has given more teeth to government's campaign to invigorate patriotism, respect and love of country by singing our anthem properly," Representative Salvador Escudero, the bill's principal author, told reporters.

In reality, he's upset that Filipino artists and singers had been changing the anthem's military march melody and beat, and that the flag had been made into shirts and short pants.

There you have it, the government must never cover your ass, it's the law.

C'mon! The Philippines is karaoke country. How dare you make them all sing alike?

If the Senate passes the law, violators face up to two years in jail and a fine of 100,000 pesos ($2,280).

MacArthur should've left you for the Japanese. Try not to trip as you practice your goose-stepping there lads.


And now on to The Commonwealth Games where it seems that even the losers are winners. The drains at the Games Village are a little clogged... with thousands of used condoms.

Well, that's one way to keep your spirits up when your medal tally is down. Swing that tallywhacker and go for the gold... or pink as the case may be!


Speaking of tallywhackers, a Sydney woman has decided to lay claim to her cheating husband's chuloga in the most logical fashion - immolation.

Her justification: she suspected he was having an affair and so, burned his nether regions to "purify his penis".

Rajini Narayan, 46, has pleaded not guilty to murdering her husband and causing the fire that burned down their Aus $980 000 home.

Satish Narayan died in hospital from his injuries several weeks after being allegedly doused with methylated spirits and set alight.

"He was my hero, the man of my life, the love of my life," the mother-of-three told the court. "I was going to purify his penis, leave a mark there and he would remain with me. He would be mine."

She also told the neighbours: "I'm a jealous wife; his penis should belong to me. I just wanted to burn his penis so it belongs to me and no-one else."

One other point to ponder: She only SUSPECTED he was cheating. But I guess a woman just knows... where the matches are.

Hello everyone. I'm Rajini, the Queen of Coo-Coo Land!!


Sao Paulo, Brazil. Voters there have made it abundantly clear how much they trust government... they just elected a clown. No, not a clown:

http://www.freakingnews.com/pictures/23500/George-W-Bush-Clown-23684.jpg

I mean a clown-clown:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ih-d1ET_LZs

And he won.

He tried something that is rarely attempted in politics: he told the truth.

Tiririca caught the attention of voters by asking for their support with the slogan: "It can't get any worse" and a promise to do nothing more in Congress than report back to them on how politicians spend their time.

"What does a congressman do? The truth is I don't know, but vote for me and I'll tell you."

There was a late mad dash by prosecutors to get him barred from running on allegations that he's illiterate but really now lads, when has literacy ever been important in government? It didn't seem to matter when the US Congress passed The Patriot Act.

He joins a proud tradition clowning politicians along with the likes of the US, Venezuela, Zimbabwe, North Korea and South Africa.

The difference is that he has the decency to wear the suit.


And now... America!

In the land of the free it seems you can express your opinion in any way you choose, even with a gun. A Memphis man was so enraged when some teenagers wouldn't pull their pants up that he popped a cap in their exposed asses.

Kenneth E. Bonds approached the lads, berating them for their hip-huggers (that always wins a teen over) and when they refused to pull up their knee warmers, an argument began. Naturally, the best thing to do in a crisis is to resolve it quickly. So he took out a gun. They, surprisingly, ran away. He fired a few shots. He hit one of them in the ass. Mr. Bonds is now facing aggravated assault charges. Aggravated? What did he do? Pull their pants up after shooting them?


Texas is soon to be a hog free zone. I don't mean the midlife crisis mobile on sees around Sandton. I mean wild hogs.

http://media.photobucket.com/image/Texas%20Feral%20Hog/dkred5854/January08068.jpg

Looks like a fair fight to me.

http://www.nighthawkpublications.com/images/426/20.jpg

Yeah, right. Sure you shot that on your own.

The reason the authorities have declared the Feral Hog enemy #1 is because "feral hogs a costly nuisance to agricultural operations and wildlife habitats, but they are increasingly finding their way into urban areas and destroying residents' yards, public parks and golf courses."

Well of course, the golf courses must be protected. And the lawns too.

Just one thing I'd like to mention lads... THE HOGS WERE THERE FIRST!!!

But hey, that didn't stop their forefathers when they butchered the Comanche either. The motto for this quaint little hunt is "Hog Out Month - Get the Hog Outta Texas!"

Well yeehaw!

So that begs the question, when do we start hunting these hogs?

http://www.pollsb.com/photos/o/100060-ever_made_love_fat_woman.jpg


Ever been pulled over by the cops? Ever had them search your car and find drugs? Well, at that point, the answer is usually "It's not mine officer".

A man in Florida was pulled over and searched after cops smelled weed emanating from his car. They searched and found 27 crack rocks and a baggie of weed in between the cheeks of his ass. His prompt response: "The white stuff is not mine, but the weed is."

Well then that's okay. Some people hire drug mules. This guy must be the world's first drug elephant.


And finally... I'm sure anyone of us has reached for something in the dark, thinking its one thing but finding another. Well, that doesn't excuse this woman from Glendale, Arizona. 70-year old Irmagard Holm reached for the eye-drops one fine day... and managed to superglue her eyes shut.

"The second I put a drop in my left eye I realized it was super glue," she said. No really?!

I have a question:

What the hell are eye-drops and super glue doing in the same room, let aone on the same table?

Perhaps her kids could glue their hands to their faces as an eternal reminder of this epic fail.

Let Irma tell you in her own words:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/10/06/superglue-eye-drops_n_752217.html


This concludes this week's edition of The Opening Monologue. See you next week and remember, you haven't heard it all till you've heard The Last Say On Sunday.

Goodbye.

Posted by vittorio at 08:40 PM | Comments (0)

October 20, 2010

The Opening Monologue - 20/10/2010

The Opening Monologue - Wednesday the 20th of October 2010
Written by Vittorio Leonardi.


Good evening.

If this past week has taught me anything, its that people have too much time on their hands. We conduct research into Restless Leg Syndrome while whole parts of the earth are at war over food; celebrity problems are deeply followed while our governments continue to screw the pooch on basic services and everywhere on the planet from Vladivostok to Tokyo, from London to Arizona, more proof emerges that we are focussed on the wrong things. I, however, am thankful for these people. If they weren't there, who would I write about?

And so we begin another chronicle of the denizens living in the Land of The Lost: This Island Earth.

As if in answer to an unspoken prayer, armies of researchers are looking into things that we don't ever need to really know. Information that, when we discover it, our reaction is usually: "Oh... okay. That's interesting."

For example, a study published in Current Biology, showed that some species of dogs see the bowl as half-empty and others as half-full. Literally. They taught them that some bowls had food while others didn't and then they started messing with the dogs in the name of grant money... I mean science. The tests showed that, like people, dogs know what a disappointment it is to be around other people. The dogs saw it like this:

1. Man fall down: Funny.

2. Man fall down is dead and can't play fetch: Sad

3. Man tease dog till dog tears out man's femoral artery: Hysterical.

http://memegenerator.net/Insanity-Wolf/ImageMacro/1250656/Insanity-Wolf-kill-yourself-bite-necks.jpg

Fetching a stick over and over again only to see it hurled away again:: Insanity.

http://oaklandmofo.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/HLIC/2d674feaa267987c50038e6894d4a1a7.jpg


It finally happened! A German born without the common sense to realise that his actions are a hollow victory... Besides Adolf that is. The EU instituted a ban on light bulbs that are stringer than 60 Watts in an attempt to get people to use green energy saving light bulbs. One entrepreneur has cleverly sidestepped this law by importing 100W light bulbs as "small heating devices". He calls them "Heatballs".

http://translate.google.com/translate?js=n&prev=_t&hl=en&ie=UTF-8&layout=2&eotf=1&sl=auto&tl=en&u=http%3A%2F%2Fheatball.de%2F&act=url

And it's totally legal. His reasoning for his actions are as "resistance against legislation which is implemented without recourse to democratic and parliamentary processes." He added that energy-saving lamps contain mercury. He is going to donate 30 cents from every Heatball sold to saving the rainforest.

Kay.

Here's the thing.

Burning coal releases mercury. You burn more coal to power an 110W light bulb than a 15W energy saver. The energy saver has on-board mercury. The regular light bulb does not.

So the issue should be a simple one: Do you need ready access to Mercury?

I guess Bart Simpson was right, "You're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't."

But the news isn't all bad.

A new innovation is being tested in Berlin. Stumbling out of a nightclub with sore feet, from dancing in heels all night, may be a thing of the past for women... and some men. Vending machines outside of nightclubs are being set up to dispense a set of flat shoes for ladies to walk home in. You also get a bag for your heels.

All this for $10.

A similar system is about to be tested outside of clubs in the UK. Machines will dispense a spray called "Ho Begone" - guaranteed to repel any chavs and/or Essex girls on contact. Apparently it smells of books and education.


It's getting so that you just can't pose nude any more. The Vienna State Opera has booted ballerina Karina Sarkissova because she failed to heed warnings not to pose nude for men's magazines.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/wienerpost/4904704443/in/set-72157624034464110/

http://www.wienerpost.at/wp-content/uploads/2010/10/sarkissova_schell2-199x300.jpg

I think the actions of The Vienna State Opera are totally over the top. Let's be serious now. For the most part, ballerina boobies are like ghosts:

1. They are rarely seen.

2. You've never seen one.

3. The only place you might get to see one is in an old book or magazine or on the internet.

And when one of them decides to share her bounty, the Freud-toting, waltz-mongers cry foul. Boo I say to you sirs! Boo I say!!


Ever had the repo-men cart off your stuff? Well, in Russia it's being taken to another level. A woman in Vladivostok had her pig repossessed after failing to settle her debt with the bank. After surveying her property, the decided the pig was "her most valuable possession". Shit guys... I think she has bigger problems. If you take away her pig, how is she supposed to bring home the bacon?

But I guess it's a sign of the times. Russia has invested in an inflatable army.

http://news.bbcimg.co.uk/media/images/49432000/jpg/_49432219_jex_832011_de27-1.jpg

They look just like the real ones and are easy to inflate and deploy. They're also capable of tricking radar and thermal imaging into thinking that they're the real thing.

Kind of like an inflatable Idols winner - looks like an artist, sounds like an artist but is full of hot air.

The current arsenal of gas power includes tanks S-300 rocket launchers, MiG fighter jets and even radar stations.

http://news.bbcimg.co.uk/media/images/49432000/jpg/_49432219_jex_832011_de27-1.jpg

Well, I'm impressed. However, if I may make on point: The next time you create hardware that is based on deception for it to work, how about you don't let it flight on the news.


Further east, Taiwan is planning on allowing brothels. Small ones. The government is poised to pass a law allowing sex workers to set up small businesses. The catch is that the venue can only employ three to five staff. So, if you find yourself horny in Taipei, remember threesomes and foursomes are do-able, but no orgies. They love you medium time.


As the fate of the media hangs in the balance here at home, we get to see what a political mouthpiece the media can be in Bangkok. Thailand's Finance Minister decided to use a soap opera to spread some government foulness. In a special episode, the minister appeared in a vast hall to explaining the government's plan to help the people repay their debt. The dialogue was riveting stuff.

"The government of Prime Minister Abhisit Vejjajiva has helped over 500,000 people and reduced debt burden by about 3 billion baht ($100 million) per month. It's lucky that Mr. Prajuab registered," the minister said, referring to one of the characters.

One has to wonder if that could be done here. President JZ could come on, explaining why the Hawks have dumped the arms-deal probe. In the episode, JZ blows away a character called Justice Constitution, and then the Hawks will make the gun disappear. The show ends with them denying the existence of a gun, not knowing where it is or even what a gun is. They freeze in position, laughing, after a final killing joke and the credits - TV magic at its best.

http://themissingsandwich.files.wordpress.com/2009/11/batman_the_killing_joke_1600x1200.jpg


And if you thought we were leaving America out of this week's episode, think again. A special kind of crazy is always left for my final segment.

And finally... Chandler Arizona, a peaceful community not unlike the ones you see in horror movies. And it would seem that among its more colourful residents, a few are stuck in the 80's... The Lost Boys 80's. Meet Aaron Homer and his girlfriend, Amanda Wiliamson.

http://assets.nydailynews.com/img/2010/10/11/alg_resize_mug_vampires.jpg

http://cdawgownd.files.wordpress.com/2008/12/the-lost-boys.jpg

You can see the resemblance, can't you?

Yes indeed, these two freaks think they're vampires. And it seems that they decided to get a little too nippy with their dinner. It seems that Homer was keen for another feeding off his room-mate, Robert Maley. But Bob was having none of that. Once was gay enough. So Homer stabbed him in the arm.

"He wants to cut you again so he could suck your blood?" asked the officer.

"And I said no and then he flipped because they think they're vampires," replied Robert Maley.

As a cover, Homer and Williamson told the cops that Amanda had stabbed Bob in self defence. Then they threw fake blood around just to make it convincing. Yeah, because his blood just threw itself at you, huh?

Here's how that police interview went down.

"Why is there fake blood all over your floor and all over your room and fake blood on the knife that was supposedly in somebody's arm?" asked an officer during a taped interview.

"This is a really freaky situation and I know he was bleeding..." said Homer.

"You got that right. You're definitely right about that," said the officer.

Wow... they just don't make vampires like they used to.

http://scienceblogs.com/isisthescientist/edward-and-bella.jpg

Whoops! Sorry, I meant a real vampire. That was a fag and his hag.

http://www.kewlwallpapers.com/images/wallpapers/30_Days_Of_Night_wallpaper_1280_21-134087.jpeg

There. Much better.


This concludes this week's edition of The Opening Monologue. See you next week and remember, you haven't heard it all till you've heard The Last Say On Sunday.

Goodbye.

Posted by vittorio at 05:40 PM | Comments (0)

October 27, 2010

The Opening Monologue - 27/10/2010

The Opening Monologue - Wednesday the 27th of October 2010
Written by Vittorio Leonardi.


Good evening.

This past week seems to have been one of self-actualisation for some of our fellow earthlings. In China, a woman has gotten closer to herself and in the US, a Florida woman got a mouth-hug from the fish. Also, American found a new toy to add to their arsenal - a gun that can shoot around corners;

http://regmedia.co.uk/2010/10/15/xm25_frontal.jpg

And the German Chancellor learned the value of boundaries.

It's another beautiful day in the neighbourhood...

Or is it?


The Japanese have just realised that not only is tourism important but that all visitors coming into their country aren't local.

Small victories.

It's for this reason that they're going to employ English, Korean and Chinese speaking locals to wander around, making notes on simple things for the benefit of tourists.

Like catching a train:

http://blog.bubble.ro/wp-content/uploads/2008/11/japan_train_motivational.jpg

Using the restroom:

http://motivationalimage.com/old/wp-content/uploads/55b9005f074210_full.jpg

Or what to order at the local restaurants:

http://myspace.roflposters.com/images/rofl/myspace/1199847876732.jpg.%5Broflposters.com%5D.myspace.jpg

Basically, their trying to combat stereotypes:

http://holycrapthatsfunny.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/06/wtf1.png
http://holycrapthatsfunny.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/12/japan_weird.jpeg
http://lolympics.com/files/images/motivational-poster-japan-02.jpg
http://xspblog.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/07/japan1140e039cb9.jpg

And come up with something different:

http://seemslegit.com/_images/a1521e977272b977f85b31227a59203e/1212%20-%20japan%20motivationals.jpg

Make yourself comfy folks. We're going to be here for a while.


Sometimes you should just listen to the sage advice of horror movies and "Get out of the water!!" But some folk, it seems, need to be taught. And one Florida woman is never going to forget. It seems that she and a companion were kayaking in shallow water one evening near Big Pine Key when a Barracuda -

Not this one:

http://media.motortopia.com/files/9566/vehicle/47581e0c398a6/DSC05577.jpg

This one -

http://en.academic.ru/pictures/enwiki/66/Barracuda_with_prey.jpg

Skipped across the water, struck her in the chest and knocked her into the water. Her wounds: a punctured lung and broken ribs.

http://picture.funnycorner.net/funny-pictures/5506/Man-the-harpoons.jpg

According to the article, "Barracudas are sleek, swift predators with razor sharp teeth. Other cases of the fish leaping out of the water and biting fishermen and boaters have been reported in Florida."

Has anyone considered that the fish just don't like Florideans? With the remake of Piranha in full swing, I guess we just found a sequel.

http://www.wrongsideoftheart.com/wp-content/gallery/posters-b/barracuda_poster_01.jpg

Ah, there's the nightmare fuel I was looking for.


US President Barack Obama has just finished up shooting an appearance on Mythbusters. This is part of an ongoing campaign to raise the profile of science, math and engineering. Recent studies have shown that these subjects are falling in interest among US teens. Hell, it's easy to get boys into science, just tell 'em they get to blow stuff up!

Unless you're the president:

"I can announce today that I taped a special guest appearance for their show, although I didn't get to blow anything up," Obama said at a White House science fair event. "I was a little frustrated with that." And that's why I would vote for him. Shame on you Mythbusters. He's the president. Let the man nuke something.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gxm_qpKh7Jw


Speaking of dropping a bomb, you'd think that the Vatican would've learned to shut its pie-hole by now. Or at least it would've learned to do up its fly. But no. This past week, a Vatican newspaper announced that Homer Simpson and Bart are Catholics. What's the strategy, you've scared off all the humans so now you're going after the toons?

http://blog.beliefnet.com/deaconsbench/LiamNeeson_Simpsons.jpg

A 2005 study conducted by a Jesuit priest found that "The Simpsons" is "among the few TV programs for kids in which Christian faith, religion and questions about God are recurrent themes."

The middle class U.S. family prays before meals, and "in its own way, believes in the beyond," the newspaper quoted the Jesuit study as saying.

In December 2009, the Osservatore Romano described the show as "tender and irreverent, scandalous and ironic, boisterous and profound, philosophical and sometimes even theological, nutty synthesis of pop culture and of the lukewarm and nihilistic American middle class."

Okay... so what about Marge, Maggie and Lisa? Oh wait, I remember now. You guys go in for the boys. My mistake.


Meanwhile, on the other side of a rusted Iron Curtain, Moscow is about to open another cemetery. And it's an elitist one. Wow, you guys really know how to party. The Amish have a barn-raising; you guys have a coffin-sinking. However there is good reason for the new cemetery. The Russians are concerned that the rising mortality rate in their country might rob a famous person of a final resting place. So, they've built a new cemetery where those "who have made a meaningful contribution to the humanitarian sphere, or to culture, science or society," can rest easy.

Well bully for them. And as for the rest of you rabble, if you wake up in a wooden box and you smell smoke and gas burners, realise that you're a worthless turd. You didn't qualify for a grave and your last moments on this earth will be spent heating the homeless.

Have a nice day!!


Germany's Chancellor Angela Merkel caused quite a stir when she paid a surprise visit to the national team after their victory over Turkey. Here's the thing: you've just finished the game, you're standing around with sweat dripping off you, and you're shirtless. Then this wanders in.

http://scrapetv.com/News/News%20Pages/Everyone%20Else/images-3/angela-merkel-3.jpg

What would your reaction be?

http://media.funlol.com/content/img/hory-shet.jpg

Yup, I thought so. It certainly was the reaction of the coach. It seems he doesn't want to share his boys with anyone. Still, it could be a heck of a motivator.

"Lads, keep on winning or next time she's coming back topless."

http://media.funlol.com/content/img/hory-shet.jpg


So some guy is suing Bible.com.

http://images.icanhascheezburger.com/completestore/2008/8/11/roflmao128629864358935877.jpg

Sorry. I had to get that out of my system. He's suing them because, according to him, the board members - a lot of them ordained priests - are breaching their duties by failing to sell the site or run it in a profitable way.

Now, before we cast the first stone, let's look where the blame lies. They raised money by forming Bible.com Inc. and issuing stock. However they seemed to have glossed over the part where it says that investors are greedy and want a return on said stock. Heck, I don't know how they could've missed it. It was right there in the original business plan - the one drawn up by the priests. It states that: "it is the goal of the board of directors to become very, very profitable."

Guys, this wasn't even in the fine print. You should've known better. But hey, some things, you've just got to leave up to the pros. I mean making money off religion, that's so Vatican!


Victoria's Secret has felt the credit crunch right in the boobies. Every year they release a fantasy bra or a Bling bra if we're being honest. This year's asset shiner had to be blinged down this year because of the economic poo-storm. This years one only cost $2 million.

http://www.nydailynews.com/gossip/galleries/adriana_lima_dons_2m_bra/adriana_lima_dons_2m_bra.html

That's Adriana Lima wearing it. The bra is worth one third of her annual salary paid to her by Victoria's Secret.

Wow, you guys really are suffering.

PRICKS!!


Did you ever want to put the fear of Dog into a cat? Just to wipe that smug, lolcat look of its face. Well, now you can. You've heard of Parkour or Free Running?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jquXcwooV6A

Well then, meet B-arkour!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pXElh_VM0Uc

This is Tre T, a five-year old Staffordshire terrier living in the Ukraine. His adopted family trained him up to be... Spider Dog. And now no Mailman is safe. No kitty will ever again say hello. It's Judgement Day for the cats of his neighbourhood. Be thankful he uses his powers for good.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v0k21yeVMbM&feature=related

It could always be a lot worse.

MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!

http://www.elfwood.com/fanq/m/c/mcw2/nightling___demon_dog.jpg


And finally... A Taiwanese lady is about to get married... to herself. She says that mounting social pressure to get married and being uninspired by the men she's dated has led her to this.

Okay... Sorry folks, I've got nothing.

One thought springs to mind, the honeymoon's going to be interesting. Never has a manicure seemed more like foreplay than right now.

Questions will need to be answered:

"Was it good for me? I know it was good for you lefty."

And then the fight's will start because lefty is the jealous type.

"You're shaking other hands now? You bitch!!"

And what about clothes?

"That gloves too small for you lefty-"

"What are you trying to say?!"

Oh nothing..."

Ah, wedded bliss.


This concludes this week's edition of The Opening Monologue. See you next week and remember, you haven't heard it all till you've heard The Last Say On Sunday.

Goodbye.

Posted by vittorio at 12:24 PM | Comments (0)

November 03, 2010

The Opening Monologue - 03/11/2010

The Opening Monologue - Wednesday the 3rd of November 2010
Written by Vittorio Leonardi.


Good evening.

It's a strange time when reincarnation is proven and the great spiritual mountain becomes sms ready. It's a weird day to be alive when the corrupt investigate their misdeeds and the past reappears with a bang. It is indeed a special planet we live on.

Nice to know there are still people far more insane than me out there.

Well, got tell it on the mountain, our government came clean on something. According to the treasury department, tender fraud is currently singing a song to the tune of R25 billion.

Oh wow, is that all?

But fear not, the government says they're on it and they will investigate. The convenience of investigating your own fraud is that:

1. You don't have to go far to find the guilty parties - they're right there.

2. You know exactly where the money is - in your greasy pocket.

3. And you know how well the investigation will turn out because you know the criminals intimately.

So, no worries.

It's not a conflict of interest when the criminals investigate the crime. It wasn't a problem when The Warren Commission investigated the Kennedy Assassination, now was it?

Tibet has always been a place of mysticism, spiritual enlightenment and adventure. It is a land home to legendary mountains and is one of the few places you can receive the bumper sticker that reads: Everest, because it's there.

And once you summit that great peak, we all know what you want to do, tweet about it. And now you can. Nepalese cellular provider, Ncell, has brought 3G connectivity to the base camp of Mt. Everest. Soon LOLs and ROFLMAOs will populate the airwaves as oxygen-deprived mountaineers navigate the lofty frozen wastes.

As a side note, isn't it great to know that humans are about to place cellphone towers on one of the last unspoiled place on earth? We do enjoy pissing off Mother Nature don't we? Still, it'll be fun seeing giant palm trees, surrounded by snow.


Fishermen have found a dozen bombs, circa World War Two, buried on the Galapagos Islands. Authorities were quick to calm a nearby US Naval fleet by stating that the native birds, lizards, penguins and tortoises are docile and are in no way linked to Al-Qaeda.

The local authorities were quick to point out that the bombs were probably American in origin and asked, pretty please, for them to come fetch their toys. On the upside, the locals have decided to keep the ordinance buried as the bombs are far away from where tourists usually play.

*Thinks*

This could be the start of a Galapagos Game Show - Digging for Mince! Watch as unsuspecting tourists dig for buried treasure! But watch out for the pitfalls - Dig, dig, CLANG! BOOOOOM! - Aaaw, better luck next time.


A group of four German high school kids have won the World Cup of Bad Dancing. Local jocks were on hand to offer atomic wedgies soon after.

"They convinced with epic ugliness, horrible appearance and their signature move - the Shy Dance," according to the competition's official website.

But the competition's organizers said that ugly dance was not necessarily bad.

These people have never seen a naked woman... ever. Only once they have, will they realise what can be lost through the power of the ugly dance.

"It's so easy to dance nicely, but ugly dancing is an art. We like to call it "ugly aesthetics," they said.

I call it the perpetuation of the five-knuckle-shuffle.

The competition was set up in 2009 to create a platform for alternative dancing styles. The criteria for selection include "outstanding ugliness, creativity, singularity/unseen moves and fun factor."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yFfq6J-rKns


Paul, the octopus that predicted all those World Cup results, has died. I wonder if he saw that one coming.

"Paul," says God, "How did you end up here?"

"I heard someone shout Sushi and here I am."

Staff at the Oberhausen Sea Life Centre in western Germany said in a statement they were "devastated" to learn of Paul's death when they returned to work on Tuesday.

"He appears to have passed away peacefully during the night, of natural causes, and we are consoled by the knowledge that he enjoyed a good life," said the centre's manager Stefan Porwoll.

The rescue centre says that at the moment, Paul is in cold storage till they figure out how to mark his extraordinary life.

At a guess, how about some calamari?

Isn't it great how an animal that served as an amusement for us - that lived out its life in a cage apart from all things natural - could be said to have died peacefully of natural causes.

Like all those life sentence inmates in jail I guess. Maybe those inmates could start predicting things too. We could finally get some use out of them, the deadbeats!


Speaking of deadbeats, Michael Jackson is this year's top money earner among the dead. Strangely though, there have been no protests working-class dead or Cosatu. Since his death, MJ's estate made $275 million. No surprise really.

http://www.randomfunnypicture.com/pictures/1696people-who-hate-michael-jackson-graph.jpg

Guilt is, after all, a wonderful money-spinner. However, the guilt machine wasn't strong enough. Michael left behind a debt of $500 million i.e. the amount the US spends on war in a day. He also left behind three children, or three children's behinds, we'll never know.


And finally... There are times when something really doesn't need an explanation.

A new species of monkey has been found in a remote region of northern Myanmar.

It looks like this.

http://www.reuters.com/article/slideshow?articleId=USTRE69P5CH20101027&slide=1

Am I the only one that thinks Michael Jackson got reincarnated?


This concludes this week's edition of The Opening Monologue. See you next week and remember; you haven't heard it all till you've heard The Last Say On Sunday.

Goodbye.

Posted by vittorio at 06:39 PM | Comments (0)

November 10, 2010

The Opening Monologue - 10/11/2010

The Opening Monologue - Wednesday the 10th of November 2010
Written by Vittorio Leonardi.


Good evening.

It's been one of those weeks.

Jesus said, "Suffer the little children, and forbid them not, to come unto me."

Well it would seem that some folks are not only keen to send kids to Jesus, they're booking the tickets. Yes indeed, they're taking that to heart... and teeth and the courts too. When I was a child, I could remember wanting to be a grown-up because then things would be cool. You'd have to be blind not to notice that children are growing up faster, sooner. And now, it seems that some grown-ups in authority - people that clearly never got to play with any Nintendo - have decided that regardless of your age, you're in the poo.

So let's see what the unelected depression-mongers have up their cloaks for us this week.


Since 1994 The Stella Awards have existed.

http://www.stellaawards.com/

Given annually to people that sue for frivolous reasons, it remains the best list of people that should be eaten come the revolution. The awards are named after Stella Liebeck who sued McDonald's and was awarded $480,000 in damages. Why did she sue? She spilled some of their hot coffee onto her lap, burning herself. Apparently, it was McDonald's fault that the coffee was hot and that it burned her. Being a clumsy, old bint however is still legal in the US.

However, it seems that the courts are finally passing a judgement that flies in the face of the litigation nation.

A Manhattan woman has been denied the chance of milking Starbucks of $3 million after spilling tea on herself. Well, there's the problem right there. What the hell are you thinking, ordering tea in a coffee house? There are consequences to that kind of stupidity. The court found that since the tea was double-cupped, the clue was in the packaging. If it wasn't double-cupped, the tea would've been of the cold variety. As a side note the court also found that since the plaintiff was 76 years old, she's known that tea was hot since at least 1925!

Dumbass.

Elsewhere in the court system, a judge has just proven that a douchebag with power is still a douchebag. It seems that two girls were riding their bicycles one day when they accidentally rode into an 87 year old lady. She needed hip replacement surgery and later died in hospital. The judge has ruled that despite their age, they can still be sued.

The girls were four at the time. They're now six-years old!! Damn dude, somebody give him a bike ride before he has them executed for jay-walking!


But the attack on the kiddies doesn't end there. Whatever your opinion of Halloween is, you have to admit it is fun watching kids run around, buzzing on a sugar high and knowing that they aren't yours to deal with. Halloween is like a candy-coated Christmas where you know what the presents are and that there'll be a lot.

So what would you do if some twit decided that it was time to give all your surplus sweets to a good cause?

*flips the bird*

My thoughts exactly. Like bad villains in an episode of Captain Planet, two dentists have started a post-Halloween service. They'll pay you $1 a pound to send your candy away from you.

Where is the candy going?

To boost the morale of US troops stationed in the Middle East.

Guys, when the Marines said they wanted you to send candy, they meant this one.

http://s3.amazonaws.com/uploads.kidzworld.com/article/33102/candy4.jpg?1254789034


However, that is not to say there aren't some bad eggs in the basket. A 15-month old baby has been saved from certain death by a cafe awning. She was playing, unsupervised, with her four year old sister when she fell out a window and did a 7 storey free-fall before being saved by the cloth.

The police said that it is hard to ascertain what happened because the girls are so young.

What's so hard to understand?

Methinks big sister was just removing some competition.


But the assault on all things kiddie still isn't over. The San Francisco Board of Supervisor's has passed a law stating that you can't sell toys with Happy Meals any more. Not unless the meals meet certain dietary requirements.

Well done lads, you've just created - The Unhappy Meal!

http://evilmonito.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/11/unhappy-meal-650x487.jpg

They might have a point but don't they see what they're about to unleash on parents? Without the toy, how will parents bribe their children into five measly minutes of silence? I reckon that instead of a toy for the kid, The Unhappy Meal should just come with a sedative.

Silence, it's what you really want isn't it?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W55BZC6kpgo

Or at least a LOL or two.


So... you work in a crappy take-out place, trying to scrape enough cash to finance some *insert fantasy here* and even though the hours suck and you smell like a pizza all day, fat girls seem to like you, so it's cool. So what would you do if you found out that the random service jockey was earning more than you an hour?

Not a lot more, just something like 2500 times more than you!!

You might have a slight melt down, yes? The kind that's fuelled by PCP, Jack Daniels and an assault rifle.

http://www.motifake.com/image/demotivational-poster/0911/going-postal-november-challenge-workplace-violence-is-ronald-demotivational-poster-1258659818.jpg

Well, Domino's Pizza Japan has decided to celebrate its 25th Anniversary by offering this prize to some random citizen. You'll work at Domino's Pizza Japan, for one hour and be paid $31030. All this while all the other employees around you are earning $12.41 an hour. Well guys... I could be wrong but I don't think old Chan over there is going to have much help from the other staff. In fact, you may find only this:

http://edwardcheever.files.wordpress.com/2010/09/404-error-nothing-found-demotivational-poster.jpg


Staff at Breckland Council in the eastern English county of Norfolk are experiencing a new level of nanny state. Basically, if you want to smoke, you'll be doing it on your own time. That's right, if you go for a smoke break, you will clock out of the building and then clock back in when you're done. And I doubt it'll stop there. Soon fatties will be clocking out for a snack and the pervs will be clocking out for some hand jive. Ah, the first world, my, what freedoms you enjoy.

http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_RwdH5DTKRas/SsH1fqOU2sI/AAAAAAAACDI/ZY91z_J7DJA/s400/nanny+state+demotivational+poster.jpg


And finally... Just when you thought J.K. Rowling couldn't cause anymore damage, her followers go and mess with Mother Nature. It seems these dimwits are having trouble distinguishing reality from a premise stolen from Orsen Scott Card. The fans of Harry Potter are decimating the owl population of India. Yup, these twits are stealing owls, not just the kids, it's their parents that are presenting their addle-brained children with LIVE OWLS!

Dammit people, we're back to the happy meal argument. Just because you can doesn't mean you should. Why do the animals have to suffer when little Pravesh gets a मधुमक्खी in his टोपी?

Parents, as a favour to me, learn how to say NO!!

http://www.wayangtimes.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/05/say-no-motivational-poster.jpg

Or opt for the best approach:

http://kinderfresser.org/download/fun/pics/all_daddy_wanted_was_a_blowjob.jpg


This concludes this week's edition of The Opening Monologue. See you next week and remember, you haven't heard it all till you've heard The Last Say On Sunday.

Goodbye.

Posted by vittorio at 07:16 PM | Comments (0)

November 17, 2010

The Opening Monologue - 17/11/2010

The Opening Monologue - Wednesday the 17th of November 2010
Written by Vittorio Leonardi.


Good evening.

This week, freedom of expression seemed to be the watchword. Some people want to curb it, others want to practise it and a select few knuckleheads seem to be abusing it. Whatever the case may be, your opinion is exactly that... yours. And when you've said something so inflammatory that people you don't even know, are flaming you, perhaps you should just stop, think and then think again before crossing the internet super highway.

Let's have a look at this parade of the especially noisy.


God Save the Queen... to your desktop! Britain's monarch is now online, on Facebook to be precise. The Queen has her own fan page designed to keep royal watchers - you sad people - abreast of all things royal. Within reason of course. No personal details are available on the site as this has been outsourced to the tabloids.

However it didn't take long before it became the site of that great internet tradition: the flame-war! Pro and anti royal screechers hurled invectives back and forth while the rest of us carried on with important things like downloading Lolcats, updating our status and generally being unproductive. It's alleged that the furore was brought to an end with a deploying of the SAS. Unlike Designated Distraction Man a.k.a. Julius Malema, The Queen actually has internet clout.

And now for the important part: How many fans does she have? As of last week, England's Queen has 60000 fans.

http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_ShssuEE1cx0/TNfEtAPKrdI/AAAAAAAAEdY/MKdu7eJalfo/s1600/The+Queen+Facebook.jpg

Well, I guess that proves that the capital city of the Empire is owned by foreigners.

Karma's a bitch ain't it?

http://img.metro.co.uk/i/pix/2010/11/09/article-1289290478696-0BF73BE3000005DC-543550_636x530.jpg

Oh crap, looks like I made her mad.


Canadian authorities are very upset after an old man turned into a Chinese youth on a plane.

"Dammit, we have far too many of them!" cried Canadian immigration officials.

http://wwwimage.cbsnews.com/images/2010/11/11/image7044589.jpg

The locals were not amused.

http://www.reuters.com/article/video/idUSTRE6A44LS20101108?videoId=164039367

"All he did was visit the bathroom and now he's young again." said a fellow passenger, "I tried it on my wife with no results. I am very disappointed."

To add insult to injury, upon his arrest in Canada the youth asked for asylum. However all is not lost. The Canadian film industry is willing to give him a leg up considering the quality of his special FX and make-up work.

I would give him asylum. He's not some whiney South African feigning persecution - isn't that right Mr. Huntley?


We all know from the news and various pointless TV series, that prison is no fun time to be sure. It's with this in mind that the Russia prison bosses have decided to improve the plight of inmates by installing sunbeds.

You can see the connection there.

Apparently, the Russians have just figured out that a cold, draughty prison with rising damp and crappy medical services can lead to inmates dying.

And it only took the death of a famous lawyer inmate to make them realise this.

http://iphoneo.info/wp-content/uploads/2009/04/shock.jpg

It's not unlike the surprise shown by our own police services when the death of a tourist makes them realise that Gugulethu is a dangerous place.

Well done lads!

http://blogs.smh.com.au/mashup/images/applause.gif

Twits!


Sri Lanka - land of Arthur C. Clarke and no porn. A manhunt is on for a 83 cops that decided to moonlight as pornstars for a little extra loot. Sri Lankan government types have said that that kind of behaviour is simply not on. No one should be having a good time in their country. Some critics have said that this is proof of the coutry's growing social conservatism. Future plans are in place to change Facebook's Sri Lankan web interface.

Poke will be replaced with Firm Handshake and all Friends will now be called Close Personal Acquaintances.

The clearest evidence that not all decisions are bad was when the government denied Akon a visa to perform there. Clearly someone knows what crap sounds like.


The eastern Dutch city of Nijmegen - bless you - has a bit of a theft problem. Someone is stealing their bronze statues and melting them down. But they are undeterred. Taking their cue from Telkom and its battle with cable theft, they have decided that to curb the trend they will replace their statues with replicas made from cheaper materials. It looks like the real thing but is not. Kind of like what Telkom does with the phone lines and internet.


Wanted: A few good priests to cast out demons from the possessed. The Catholic Church is advertising for priests who are willing to learn the rite of Exorcism. There is a high demand for Exorcisms in the US as frantic parents try to rid their children of the scourge that is Justin Bieber. And as we all know, nothing scares a kid quite like waking up to a priest squirting holy fluid on them.

http://www.zgeek.com/forum/gallery/files/1/1/3/3/exorcist.gif

Or maybe not...


Garfield's creator, Jim Davis, has had to apologize for a cartoon that showed that veterans can't tell the difference between humour and somebody actually mocking them.

This was the evil, foul, unpatriotic, non-flagwaving, veteran-booing cartoon:

http://assets.nydailynews.com/img/2010/11/13/alg_garfield_comic.jpg

I would go on a rant about this, but why? I could explain that the spider is the butt of the joke (not the veterans) because he was stupid to challenge something as big as Garfield. I could also mention that Garfield has a history of whomping spiders and that this was merely a tiny fragment in the saga. I could also point out that after blowing up the enemy or setting fire to a country from the air, a little light humour shouldn't really offend any soldiers.

But saying it would be pointless... So I won't.

I will say this to the complaining masses:

http://content.funnyhumor.com/pictures/babierasp.gif


It is a rare thing to be truly aware of one's shortcomings. Knowing your limits is a great step forward towards achieving a zen-like state. So when you know you're not a good parent it makes perfect sense to sell your baby and buy a car.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R-o6OKQGsEQ

Stephanie Bigbee Fleming was to get to $9000 from the sale, BROKERED BY HER GRANDMA!! Oh and Granny was greedy. Fleming was to get $9000 but Granny organised herself a fat $21000 commission. Hoowee, Granny gots the smarts in the family!

How would one even begin to punish someone like this?

Show them this:

http://carphotos.cardomain.com/ride_images/1/2866/3261/7164130002_large.jpg

And then do this to it:

http://www.valentivisionfilms.com/bio/behind/Car-Explosion.gif


And now some random news:

Japan has created the world's first robotic actress that can be programmed to mimic the best qualities of acting and can also take direction perfectly.... Just in time for the relaunch of Egoli.

http://www.reuters.com/news/video/story?videoId=164083897&videoChannel=2602


Japan has learned that the best way to entice people to your country is with boobies. Good show lads. Meet the Tourism Bra:

http://www.reuters.com/news/video/story?videoId=164073946&videoChannel=2602


And finally... Amazon.com has decided to pull a how-to book on paedophilia from it's ebooks collection... only after people complained.

Why?

Were there no pictures?

The book, innocently titled "The Paedophile's Guide to Love and Pleasure: a Child-lover's Code of Conduct," by Philip R. Greaves II, went on sale on October 28 and cost $4.79 to download. Amazon originally touted the whole freedom of expression card before someone in marketing realised what they were saying and removed the title.

Amazon has since been mum on the issue. I guess they're catching up on their reading.

And what of the author. Oh he's a self-described manic depressive that writes as a form of therapy. And is his mind "The word 'paedophile,' I believe, means somebody who loves children, OK? And you're not somebody who loves children if you're raping and murdering and killing them." He also says, "Anything such as kissing, fondling, that sort of thing I don't think is that serious of a problem. True paedophiles love children and would never hurt them."

I can't imagine why the cops placed Mr. Greaves under protection. Let him explain his stance to an angry mob. It worked for Frankenstein.

http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_tw5hXrbf1kg/TGSdHPNdQLI/AAAAAAAABNw/fqn9ktZajP8/s1600/frankenstein-climax.jpg

Oh wait... Never mind.


This concludes this week's edition of The Opening Monologue. See you next week and remember, you haven't heard it all till you've heard The Last Say On Sunday.

Goodbye.

Posted by vittorio at 06:11 PM | Comments (0)

November 23, 2010

The Opening Monologue - 23/11/2010

The Opening Monologue - Tuesday the 23th of November 2010
Written by Vittorio Leonardi.


Good evening.

It's been a little over a year since I started writing this weekly rant and I'm sad to say that The Opening Monologue has proven, at least to some degree that, that aliens don't read this rant. If they did, several population groups would no longer exist. I refer to the Asians - mainly Japanese and Thai people - and the Germans. These groups are regular contributors. In fact, if you want to see weird thingsa done on masse, look no further than the original Goths.

http://www.cartoonstock.com/lowres/dro1493l.jpg

But then again, if paranoia is your thing then realise that aliens could just be abducting people so well that you just aren't noticing.

Sleep well tonight...

http://weirdsci.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/08/alien-abduction.jpg

So let's see what our whacky fellow earthlings have been up to this week.


Arizona USA - drivers cruising along a desert highway were jarred out of their driving daze as they passed this sign:

http://www.ezombies.com/images/caution-zombies-ahead.jpg

Indeed, it seems to be the real thing. But much to the disappointment of some drivers, there were no zombies. It seems that the infestation was quelled before any civilians could test out their handguns. The local authorities said that there were no zombies to begin with but we all know better. On a strategic note, perhaps the undead should have chosen a state without that many gun toting NRA members.

Better luck next BRAAAAINS!

http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_zpSGU1RZFS4/TOKNdvu9IjI/AAAAAAAAEco/KiI3XZTjol4/s1600/zombies.jpg


On the subject of the dearly departed... an enterprising gay couple in Germany have decided to sell specialised coffins aimed at the gay market. Odd fact: they're a gay couple and they're undertakers. Love is truly a many splendid thing and their corpse clientele look fabulous. The new coffins - which they're getting requests for - will be adorned with images of athletic, naked men. Who says you can't take the porn with you? Now even zombies can have a wank.

"We believe you should be able to have a coffin that lets you embark on your last journey in a way that reflects how you lived your life," undertaker Thomas Brandl told Reuters last Thursday.

So I'll be buried in a pizza box adorned with naked women on the inside. Not a damn am I climbing out of my coffin to have a zombie five-knuckle-shuffle.

Across the Pacific, Japanese vending machines are well known across the world for being purveyors of anything from action figures to teen-girl soiled under wear (no really). But now, with the aid of facial recognition software, the vending machines will also suggest what drink you might want. If you're over 50, perhaps some green tea; a man - a caffeine drink of some kind and a lady, perhaps something the same but slightly sweeter. All suggestions will be based on prevailing market research, the time of day and the temperature. As an added bonus, if an American approaches, a small carry handle pops out the machine with the message: Here! Take it all just don't bomb us again!

http://nukeitfromorbit.com/ce.d0a13ec0a277d02e9feceead02117aa7.nuke,j.jpg


A new study done at the University of Kansas has found that not only is flirting fun but your success at the dating game may have everything to do with knowing own personal "flirting style".

You don't want to come on too strong:

http://www.faniq.com/images/blog/38d206b290d6a6e7d9d9ffe97ffd9c30.png

Or be too forward:

http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2753/4214364127_3bc7436714.jpg

Or just plain creepy:

http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_4s5pmFL_ZlQ/TIpEIbRCIeI/AAAAAAAAEVE/TEcSBAmWkFw/s1600/show+me+your+tits+boobs+jugs+breasts+tatas+mamaries+nipples+nips+hot+babes+girls+women+dog+motivational+posters+boobs.jpg

If you want to know your style, you can take the quiz right here: http://connect.ku.edu/tests/flirt/

In the meantime, put down the chloroform, step away from the rag and no one gets hurt.


Ukrainian feminine rights group Femen says it will continue its signature protests involving topless women yelling slogans. Ukrainian officials responded by selling tickets to the next protest.


America has begun its slow invasion of Paris. That's our routine, you thieving sods!, shouted Germany. But no, the US is not invading with troops, its invading with blood suckers.

http://suvudu.com/files/mt-files/Edward%20Cullen.jpg

No not the sparkly kind, the insect kind:

http://skinnymoose.com/wildlifepro/wp-content/uploads/2010/10/bed_bug_1223.jpg

Apparently the American bed bug has begun nomming on French people after some stowed away on a visiting tourist.. The reason for the change of scenery: Even though the French bathe a lot less, they taste way better.

One bug was heard to say, "Wow, 15 victims and not one trace of a happy meal, I'm never going back."


Protest can take many forms. Some do it topless, others spray fake blood but one man showed his displeasure by blowing away his TV. Steven Cowan couldn't believe that Bristol Palin - the knocked-up daughter of Republican Nazi Sarah Palin - had twice come in last on "Dancing with the Stars" but was saved by the elderly judging panel because she "showed a lot of heart" and her mom is a gun toting conservative. Cowan was later arrested for "reckless endangerment and use of a deadly weapon". It's unlikely that the TV will drop the charges.

To add insanity to insult, Bristol and Jersey Shore douchebag "The Situation" are starring in an ad campaign to promote safe sex. There is no confirmation yet as to whether or not Palin approved the slogan for the campaign.

"Remember to pull out kids so you don't end up like me."


A Latvian man has been charged with three counts of dine-and-dash at expensive London restaurants. His total bill was R26000. Nice one brother, if you're going to do it, go large.


Russian Prime Minister, Vladimir Putin has a new dog:

http://www.hollywoodgrind.com/images/2008/4/alina-kabaeva.jpg

No not that one. This one.

http://ricochet.com/var/ezwebin_site/storage/images/media/images/tumblr_lbu2y1qyfk1qepl15o1_500/300537-1-eng-US/tumblr_lbu2y1Qyfk1qepl15o1_500_lightbox.jpg

And he has asked the Russian people to help him come up with a name for the Karakachan Shepherd Dog gifted to him by his Bulgarian counterpart. Considering Putin's history with the KGB, names you won't be hearing include Torture, Prison, Poker, Starvation and Darkness as these names are already in use at Guantanamo Bay.


Wayne and Larry Hallquist have just entered the Guiness Book of World Records as the worlds tallest couple. With a combined height of 407.4 centimetres, there is no lightbulb this couple can't reach. There have been reports that in some areas, laws will be drawn up to stop them from getting front row concert tickets or standing on each others shoulders.

I can't wait for when they have kids.

"So what do people scream when they see your parents coming?"

http://news.bbcimg.co.uk/media/images/50045000/jpg/_50045430_jex_873374_de27-1.jpg

All together now... BEHEMOTH!!


Again with the Germans... A court in Germany has blocked a man from tattooing the Rolling Stones mouth and tongue logo on his pony.

http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_LxB5bkk8QeU/TMnbOO1UltI/AAAAAAAAIQA/_-vOI2ZC2S0/s1600/RollingStonesTongueLogo.jpg

They ruled that the tattoo would cause the animal pain without reasonable cause. What? As opposed to all those times you tickled his scrotum with a riding crop for that extra burst of speed?

They also ruled that the tattoo was not to be used as an identification mark. a business registration filed by the owner gave the court reason to believe he wanted to make money with a tattoo service for animals. I wonder if they'd get the rose tattoo or the classic barbed wire around the hooves?


A South African woman has been arrested in Idaho, USA after giving girls breast exams in the change rooms at night clubs and bars. The trouble is, she's not a doctor. However, she was once a man. Wait... What?

Kristina Brittany Ross - pictured below:
http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2010/11/18/article-1330725-0C1C5391000005DC-462_233x375.jpg

Ross apparently used medical jargon as well as a fake name - Dr Berlyn Aussieahshowna - to help her con along. As a test, try pronouncing that name. Go on.

This proves that girls from Idaho are far too trusting.

The poo hit the fan when the plastic surgeon's office Miss Ross claimed she worked at, started getting numerous calls for a doctor that did not exist.

And what charge was Miss Ross sought on? Impersonating a medical doctor. So basically the ladies involved are saying, "Feel me up but don't claim you're a doctor while you're doing it. That's just rude."


Meet Japan's newest police dog -

http://www.vancouversun.com/news/3855827.bin?size=620x400

All three kilos of her.

This isn't a scam. Peach the long-haired Chihuahua has just qualified as a police dog. She will be used in earthquake rescue efforts. The theory is that with her small frame, she could scramble into places a normal size dog won't fit. And soon, we will have Yorkshire Terriers trained to enter terrorist hotspots, trained to seduce any guard dog and get them to reveal the gate codes... what?

It could happen.


And finally... any one that's stood in line on voting day knows that the democratic process is a lot of things, a turn-on not being one of them.

With that in mind, in Spain's upcoming elections, the Catalan Socialist Party is trying to win over hearts and loins with this ad:

http://www.reuters.com/news/video/story?videoId=164150193&videoChannel=2602

For those of you on a mobile device, the ad equates casting a vote with having a fab shag and a great orgasm. Well, it's hardly a different approach. Politicians have always screwed us; however, it's nice to think one might actually walk away from the experience satisfied, just for once.


This concludes this week's edition of The Opening Monologue. See you next week and remember, you haven't heard it all till you've heard The Last Say On Sunday.

Goodbye.

Posted by vittorio at 04:56 PM | Comments (0)

December 01, 2010

The Opening Monologue - 01/12/2010

The Opening Monologue - Wednesday the 1st of December 2010
Written by Vittorio Leonardi.


Good evening.

As we depart for the land of the lost one more time, I want to say the following. This is for all the new people. You're going to meet a whole bunch of strange people. Some of them you may not like. Some of them you won't respect while others, you might just flat out despise. Above all else, DO NOT LET THEM TOUCH YOU ON YOUR STUDIO! The results are irreversible and we'll have to leave you in the badlands. Remember that your family tree forks and that your DNA is complete and you will come back sane.

Entering The Opening Monologue in 3...2...1... GO! GO! GO!


A German pensioner has learned a valuable lesson about home improvement in the Zombie Apocalypse: When building a wall, remember what side you should be standing on. It seems the man bricked himself up in his cellar and only realised it after the job was done.

Then he managed to outdo himself:

Rather than smash down his fine work, he drilled through his neighbour's wall to freedom. And the cops were waiting for him. Apparently hearing the sound of a drill eating through their wall alarmed them... So nervous, these Germans.


Elsewhere in Germany, cries of "Your cash or your boobies, lady!!" can be heard. Another life lesson has just been learned: if you get your boyfriend to finance your boob job,

http://www.lwgatz.com/v/vspfiles/assets/images/big%20breast%20implant%20image.jpg
http://www.breast-surgery411.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/10/silicone-breast-implants-4.jpg

Don't dump him before the contract says you can. It seems that all Anastasia had to do was stay with Carstens for a year and she'd be out of there scot-free and in the clear. But nooooooooooo. She dumped him just after the surgery. Now he's threatening to call the repo men. I've seen this horror film before, it was called Hostel. Or was it?

http://farm5.static.flickr.com/4049/4389848259_e7c3b9f361.jpg


There's a reason why we don't elect beauty queens to a political office.

http://www.thebuzzmedia.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/08/miss_south_carolina.jpg

And here's another reason. Venezuela's former Miss Universe, Alicia Machado, had to shut down her Twitter account after she was found barking the world peace song up the wrong tree. In reaction to North Korea's artillery attack on South Korea, she tweeted this gem:

"Tonight I want to ask you to join me in a prayer for peace, that these attacks between the Chinas do not make our situation worse."

I believe the principal in Billy Madison said it best:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5hfYJsQAhl0


It seems that Warner Brothers, smelling the death of their cash cow - The Harry Potter Saga - have decided to trademark all things Harry. This has caused them to make a foray into the sex toy market.

1. A set of life-like Harry Hands with "magic wand action" will soon be on sale under the name The Beater. The Special Edition release comes with a Phoenix Feather Wand with Patronus Charm action.

2. Hermione Granger life-like naughty bits - called The Golden Snitch - will have many a fapping bookworm going cross-eyed.

3. The Weasley Whammer equipped with Blue Ball Bludgers goes really well with Hermione's Golden Snitch. It promises: "A Party in Every Packet!"

4. An old favourite is the Nimbus 3000 Vibrating Broom... for obvious reasons.

5. Also available are Bertie Bott's Every Flavour condoms. They offer excellent defence against the dark tarts. But beware the Brown Eye Special flavour.


"There's a flag on your pee-pee dear boy! And it's just wrong!!"

That is the sentiment of most Singaporeans at their water polo teams' swimming trunks.

http://beta.images.theglobeandmail.com/archive/01033/-ASIAD-2010-SIN_1033646artw.jpg

Critics - i.e. the population of Singapore - have complained loudly that the image of the flag on the crotch is disgusting and disrespectful.

I fail to see the problem. The guys are wearing a banana hammock. You guys just happen to have a flag that looks like a banana.

Ain't coincidence grand?


Russia's Trust Bank has just gotten a new spokesperson. Bruce Willis. The Die Hard action star is now appearing all over Moscow with the slogan "Trust is like me, but a bank."

So Trust Bank also has an ex wife made of 30% silicone with Kelso for a boyfriend?

Wow! Now that's a coincidence.


A study has found that parent's pressuring their kids to eat certain things can lead to the child being a fussy eater.

Fortunately, there is a solution.

http://500motivators.com/plog-content/thumbs/motivate/me/large/53-silence-silence-is-golden-duct-tape-is-silver.jpg

And for those difficult cases...

http://www.motifake.com/peace-and-quiet-duct-tape-nagging-wives-demotivational-poster-99450.html


*Sigh*

It seems that some twits still don't realise that when you speak your mind on Facebook/Twitter... ANYONE CAN READ IT AND COMMENT ON IT!!

The Bishop of Willesden in Northwest London thought it would be perfectly fine to post his thoughts on Prince Williams's engagement with Kate Middleton on Facebook:

"I don't care about the Royals," there were "more broken marriages and philanderers among these people than not. They cost us an arm and a leg. As with most shallow celebrities they will be set up to fail by the gutter press... I give the marriage seven years." he added.

Wow... So when you posted this... You weren't thinking... Were you?

I'm sure it'll be fine... He did apologize after all. Apologising is a good thing. And as you and I both know, saying sorry always fixes everything... Right?

http://images.icanhascheezburger.com/completestore/2008/12/25/128747151643651347.jpg


A Mexican seems to have sampled a little too much of his own supply. In his drunken stupor, he has created the world's most expensive bottle of Tequila. Named "The Diamond Sterling" the bottle is cast in pure platinum and encrusted with 4000 hand-set diamonds, it is hoped that the bottle will fetch $3.5 million at auction.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ViY3aDWGkrY

Well, to be honest it's just a really expensive bottle that happens to have Tequila in it. At this point, you could put Oros in it and it wouldn't matter. And I would you know. Just to see Donald Trump poop his wig.

Yes, I said poop his wig! That's how freaked out he'd be!


And finally... this next story could have been such an ironic tale... but we can't have everything. UK Turkey Tycoon Bernard Matthews - the man that gave Britain the Turkey Twizzler - has died... on Thanksgiving Day.

This has raised two important questions:

1. Was it an Al-Qaeda plot to kill two birds with one stone?

2. Was it possible that the tycoon faked his own death in order to avoid genocide charges about to be laid against him by the families of his dead stock?

We may never know. But some say, late at night one can hear the haunting calls of his victims on the wind.

Gobble, gobble this mofo!!

http://gizmoave.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/11/turkey-lego-gun.png


This concludes this week's edition of The Opening Monologue. See you next week and remember, you haven't heard it all till you've heard The Last Say On Sunday.

Goodbye.

Posted by vittorio at 06:24 PM | Comments (0)

December 07, 2010

The Opening Monologue - 07/12/2010

The Opening Monologue - Tuesday the 7th of December 2010
Written by Vittorio Leonardi.


Good evening.

After a year of writing these chronicles of insanity, I have come to one irrefutable conclusion: the Germans are the strangest people on Earth. As I've done the research for the various tales I spin, I have found, with monotonous regularity, that at least twice a week, there are stories of odd German activity. It would seem, at least to me, that the last war took all the rage out of the German people. That rage seems to have been replaced with a kind of oddly playful insanity. As to the rest of the world, you have some serious catching up to do.

It is with this in mind that we lead off with a non-jerry nutter.


Oh how the WikiLeaks just a keep on dripping out. In the latest revelation, it seems that Libya's own prized, uniform-designing- megalomaniacal ass-hat Muammar Gaddafi nearly caused an international incident when he threw a hissy fit. Meet Mo.

http://focusuk.files.wordpress.com/2010/02/gaddafi.jpg

The problem was said hissy fit involved nuclear fuel - the kind Iran claims they don't have. He refused to hand over materials designated to be destroyed in accordance with a disarming treaty that HE HAD ALREADY SIGNED! So, a veritable smorgasbord of terrorist boomdiyadah waited in a hanger in Libya for a month till Hillary Clinton stroked Mo's ego enough to have him release the bang-boom gear for disposal.

And why did Mo throw a tantrum? He felt insulted when the UN wouldn't let him pitch his Bedouin tent in New York. The State Department claimed they were only considering Mo's safety. They didn't want him erecting his tent lest he be bombed by US Nintendo. Well at least he stopped crying.

http://www.toonpool.com/user/338/files/gaddafi_569015.jpg


Meanwhile, Lee Harvey Oswald's coffin is up for auction.

http://www.reuters.com/article/slideshow/idUSTRE6B043620101201#a=1

Yup, the alleged assassin of JFK's coffin is being auctioned off. Who buys that? And what do you put it next to? I guess if you're ex-CIA you could put it with the real rifle and the withheld files on the assassination. Oh, and you could bury it all with the corpse of the real assassin. You know, for nostalgia's sake. Everything in its right place.

And where is Oswald? He's in his own coffin. It seems the family had him exhumed in the 80's to prove Oswald - and not a double - had really been buried. Here's the kicker, the funeral home put him in a new coffin - like he gives a damn - and reburied him. They kept the other coffin. For a rainy burial day, I guess. Eeew, you sick, capitalist bastards! This is why Al-Qaeda hates you.


A French fast food chain has decided it will continue the fine French tradition of poo-pooing animal rights by offering a foie gras burger at a cheap price for a limited time. I'm guessing, till they run out of stock or the ducks learn to fight back.

For those of you that don't know, foie gras is duck or goose liver pate. You get it by force-feeding corn-mash to said bird and then giving it the axe.

Quick Burger has defended this move saying that it's a French tradition to eat the liver of those you can actually defeat in battle. Their other great culinary victories against the animal kingdom include frog's legs and snails - both of which can't run away and so might actually lose in a fight against the armies of the Cheese-Eating-Surrender-Monkeys.


Speaking of animals for our own amusement, the Japanese have found a novel use for an electric eel. And just for once it doesn't involve sex or dinner. The Kamakura Aquarium in the south of Tokyo is using said eel to power their Christmas tree.

http://www.reuters.com/news/video/story?videoId=165395363&videoChannel=4

But wait, there's more. They're also using the kinetic energy of patrons to power a live-size Santa. Essentially, visitors stamp on a pad and Santa boogies on down. Santa powered by Dance Dance Revolution? An eel power the yuletide tree? The future is going to be awesome!


The city of Kabul has finally decided that having a city choked with the smell of crap and smog is a bad thing. YAY!!

http://imagemacros.files.wordpress.com/2009/07/you_win_prize_downs.jpg

so they've decided to give everyone Thursday off for the next three months. Cool.

The upside: This will help lower emissions from cars, buses and other vehicles brought through by the joy of occupation by a foreign capitalist power.

The downside: it's hard to party down when you're on vacation and the rest of the world isn't. But it's fun to taunt them with pictures.

http://img250.imageshack.us/img250/2729/319446560yw.jpg

C'mon, it's Afghanistan, it's not like they don't have any... that the soldiers haven't smoked yet. Wait, I think we may have discovered the source of the smog! Eureka!!


It's one thing to bitch when a traffic jam stops you getting to work on time. It's another thing all together when you decide to avert said jam. A New York green grocer jumped off the platform onto the subway tracks to save a man about to be crushed by an oncoming train. He said if he hadn't done it, he would've been late for work.

"I was thinking, if he gets hit I can't go to work. It's Sunday. I can't miss out. It's a time-and-a-half day."

Damn, business must be good. I mean look at those melons.

http://images.cheezburger.com/completestore/2010/7/25/424759d0-6693-446c-bb9b-c53829f22b4f.jpg


The Red Sea has just become a little more crimson. Four people have been attacked by white-tip sharks -

http://photography.nationalgeographic.com/staticfiles/NGS/Shared/StaticFiles/Photography/Images/POD/o/oceanic-whitetip-shark-1049157-xl.jpg

- in two days causing authorities to impose a swimming ban in art of the area. Here's hoping the sharks can read.

One can hardly be surprised at these incidents. The great sage Herge foresaw them in his books of great adventure.

http://books4u.in/uploads/The%20Adventure%20of%20TINTIN%20The%20Red%20Sea%20Sharks%20%28Custom%29.jpg


Well, the truth is out. Church roofs are bad for your health. Some 16000 churches have lead roofs. Since the Church of England was founded on a lie it is hardly surprising that the organization is now feeling a backlash.

But all is not lost.

Some enterprising fellows have been using Google Earth to locate the churches in question and liberate the offending heavy metals from the parish. And they have been quite busy.

In the past three years, some 8000 churches have had their ceilings democratically repossessed. But some churches just can't seem to part with the old ways - they replace the roof and the ceiling bandits return as many as 14 times to take yet another roof and really drive the message home.

The only theory is that someone has found the Philosopher's Stone and is churning out gold for the masses. They couldn't be selling it for scrap... could they? Gasp! Could we sink that low as a species?

http://8.media.collegehumor.cvcdn.com/5/3/collegehumor.b078cfe5db88d31dc6d0f7431078ca88.jpg

I'll take that as a maybe...


So, let's say you get a package. You open it. Inside you find 500 of these:

http://spiderbitespictures.com/images/tarantula1.jpg

and these:

http://www.pittsburghzoo.org/media/Animal_Images/MexRedKneeTarantula/mexican_red_kneed_tarantula_Big.jpg

I reckon your reaction wouldn't be "Woohoo! My order is here!!

I think it would be somewhere closer to:

http://media.funlol.com/content/img/hory-shet.jpg

Well some dimwit German (you see!!) has been making his living by illegally bringing these eight-legged crawlers into the US. Here's the kicker: He's doing it by post! Someone call Samuel L. Jackson. I think I just found him a sequel.

"Spiders on A Mail Train"

Oh, before I swat this story, I thought I'd share this with you. This is a hand puppet for children. http://www.puppetjungle.com/TarantulaLg%28Girl%29.jpg

Now remember, toy guns are banned! But making little Timmy fill his shorts: Priceless!


Christmas is fast approaching. We've all known this since September which, as I'm sure you're all agree, is the perfect time to start advertising the yuletide spending spree holiday. Cynicism aside, it's special thing to see the lights on, shining a message of peace throughout the neighbourhood. But, as usual, there's always a zealot on the block. Meet Mike Babick:

http://www.kcconfidential.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/12/l1060073.jpg

Now meet his Christmas light fetish:

http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_yG2HbYQQYOw/TPfVi7j97uI/AAAAAAAALFE/MtswbtNRQfc/s1600/%25210_0000_MORGUE_MetroKC-Christmas_PrairieVillageKS_7611Falmouth-BabickHouse_Photo.jpg

http://www.thelope.com/images/12-22-021.jpg

http://www.kansastravel.org/07falmouthchristmas2.JPG

It is estimated that some 250 000 gawkers visit his home every year. The trouble is he's in a residential neighbourhood. Some people look, some stare, some take photos and some take a piss on a random lawn. I reckon it's time to break out the shotguns and rock salt, lads.

http://c3.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/images01/80/l_dbaa3055d49ab36bee5f4da29d714f32.jpg

As you can see, it's effective.

Meanwhile, the UK once again demonstrated a need for real crime with this emergency call.

"I haven't been out to check on him for five hours but I went outside for a fag (cigarette) and he's gone," said the female caller.

When the operator asked who had gone she replied: "My snowman. I thought that with it being icy and there not being anybody about he'd be safe.

"It ain't a nice road but you don't expect anybody to nick your snowman," she added.

The police were not amused. By the time they got back from searching, their coffee was cold.

That's it. I'm gathering up some local parolees from Pollsmoor Prison and we're going to show them how to jingle ALL THE WAY!


And finally... It's been ten years since September the 11th. Airport security is still a royal pain. One would think that by now, certain things would be common sense. Procedures should have been adapted to deal with special situations.

But no.

When US Army soldiers were boarding a plane home, nail files and leatherman tools were taken away from them. They were allowed to board carrying these:

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/6/6c/Beretta_92_FS.gif
http://www.army.mil/-images/2007/05/14/4980/army.mil-2007-05-23-144940.jpg
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/d/d8/FN_SCAR-L_%28Standard%29.jpg

The logic was that without bullets, a gun poses no threat.

http://peterdaou.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/09/morans.jpg

A full transcript of the incident can be found here:

http://picchore.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/12/tsa.jpg

Once again, this is bad - http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/6/68/Nail_Clippers.jpg

But this is good - http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/6/6c/Beretta_92_FS.gif

The soldiers were also swabbed for "explosives residue detection". Again, these are soldiers returning from Iraq. Naturally, they all failed. Oh goody, that means that they all fired their weapons in defence of freedom. They were still allowed to board. I guess because they had guns.

America, the terrorists aren't your biggest enemy. This is your biggest enemy.

http://i283.photobucket.com/albums/kk306/kaesop/Motivators/Ignorance.jpg


This concludes this week's edition of The Opening Monologue. See you next week and remember, you haven't heard it all till you've heard The Last Say On Sunday.

Goodbye.

Posted by vittorio at 02:17 AM | Comments (0)

January 18, 2011

The Opening Monologue - 18/01/2011

The Opening Monologue - Tuesday the 18th of January 2011
Written by Vittorio Leonardi.


Good evening.

Greetings and salutations! It's been too long. I hope the festive season was kind to you all. I certainly had no difficulty getting into the spirit of good cheer with all those great holiday movies on DStv. You know the ones I mean? Taken with Liam Neeson and Man On Fire with Denzel Washington. Films that carry a simple goodwill message: America - we can't win the war on terror but we will definitely wipe out those corrupt foreigners.

And as I gazed out over the information landscape, I took heart in the fact that crazy has no season and bad decisions have no Yuletide break. So, with that in mind I look back at the last two weeks and yell: "WTF?!!"


The US Navy is in an uproar. Apparently some of their sailors, including one that is now a captain, filmed some very naughty, not nice video footage that got leaked... so to speak. Excerpts show female sailors pretending to wash one another in a shower on the carrier and in other scenes "sailors parade in drag, use anti-gay slurs, and simulate masturbation and a rectal exam." I know what you're thinking, "There are girls in the Navy?"

This completely flies in the face of all things Navy. For as they say on the high seas, "Any port in a storm!"

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/4/4c/Much_tattooed_sailor_aboard_the_USS_New_Jersey_1944.gif


Small towns have many things going for them including the collapse of the American family, gays getting and serial killers visiting every *insert holiday slaying here*. So in order to keep from going batty, small town Lake Superior State University is keeping alive it's tradition of releasing its annual list of overused words.

Damn, their students must be so bored.

Remember when the CIA just used to use these places as training/testing grounds? Ah, the good old days.

The top three words on this year's list are:

1. Viral.

2. Epic.

3. Fail.

When used in a sentence: "If Jacob Zuma went viral, that would be an epic fail for his wives."


The British continue to prove that they have nothing happening in their country with the headline: "Could the days of the British 'pint' be numbered?" It seems that in order to save money, a new booze measurement, "The Schooner" - two-thirds the size of a pint - will soon be available to binge drinkers everywhere.

Elsewhere in the world, starving people in Somalia responded by dying a bit more and hijacking a few more cargo ships.


Not to be outdone, the state of Massachusetts seems poised to pass a law that makes it illegal for you to say no if some crotchety old git dies and leaves you an equally crotchety old animal to care for. Under the law, if someone leaves you a pet in their will with funds for the care of said pet, you can be held liable if you fail to follow the dead prat's wishes.

So, just for a laugh, find someone you despise and leave them a horny Grizzly bear in your will.

http://www.thisblogrules.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/02/bear-and-man.jpg


In retaliation, the Fenland District Council, UK, wants to pass legislation that says it's okay to have an office romance as long as you declare it in writing.

What's next? Video evidence? Eeeeu. Not everyone was born to filmed man! Think of the emotional scarring.

http://cockornot.co.uk/images/upload/chavs.jpg


In a profound step forward, Pennsylvania State Police will now differentiate between ticketing those that swear at bad drivers and those that swear at the cops. Apparently now you can swear at anyone in the traffic, as long as they're not a pig.

Oops!

Aaaah, f***! Sorry, constable Piglet. Ah dammit... I did it again. Do you smell bacon? Ah s***!


An African Penguin at a German zoo showed just how far Al-Qaeda brainwashing had advanced when the suicidal fella used wintry weather to take a stroll around the zoo. It ended its trip in the Lion's Den but since these ones seem as useless as the rugby team, the blighter didn't get eaten.

Zoo officials couldn't readily confirm if the African penguin was visiting the lions to chat to a species of its home continent or was simply exhibiting suicidal tendencies.


Mississippi's Governor has released two sisters - serving life for an $11 armed robbery - on condition that the able bodied sister donates a kidney to her sickly sibling. Thus bringing inbreeding to a whole new level.

Just one extra point. The two sisters robbed two guys at gunpoint in 1993. The lads were driving the ladies to a nightclub. No prior convictions so naturally the state slapped them with two life sentences. Overkill much?

Who the hell were these guys? The only Mississippi men with forking family trees?

http://nanookofthesouth.files.wordpress.com/2010/04/redneck-brothers.jpg

Never mind.


The German police have told a circus employee that it's okay if he takes his tiger for a walk as long as he notifies them first.

Wait... What?

Someone call Goosey Fernandes, I think we just found him a playmate.


Who knew that when the end came they'd start with Buddhist smokers. In Buddhist Bhutan, where smoking is seen as bad for your Karma and is thus banned, officials from the Bhutan Narcotic Control Agency have just been granted the right to search your home for illegal cigarettes. They're even training sniffer dogs for the task.

Those that think our anti-smoking laws are draconian should think again:

1. You're allowed 200 imported cigarettes a month.

2. You must have the customs receipt with you at all times in case a cop wants to see it.

3. You can face five years in jail if found in possession of illegal cigarettes.

Bhutan's prime minister said the law cannot be called draconian and it was passed in the "collective wisdom" of the members of parliament.

"It is cancerous, both in the literal and the metaphoric sense, cancerous to society and to individual and in many ways it is no different from psychotropic drugs, for which the penalty in certain countries is death," Prime Minister Jigmi Y. Thinley said.

Tell you what, when he gets a real name, I'll give him the benefit of the doubt.


This is Heidi.

http://static.guim.co.uk/sys-images/Guardian/Pix/pictures/2011/1/13/1294948642856/Heidi-the-cross-eyed-opos-007.jpg

She's a cross-eyed possum currently residing at the Leipzig zoo.

Her Facebook group has 80 000 fans.

She has a YouTube song dedicated to her.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G2GSNpQU5pc

I think I finally have the answer.

This is why aliens don't visit us out in the open.

It's because they're too embarrassed to be seen publicly with such a monumentally moronic race; a race that will rave about a cross-eyed possum and not give a shit about their fellow man.

And who's fault is it this time? Those whacky Germans! A group known for its sense of humour. Clearly, it's time they lost another war.


Staying in Deutschland, two German burglars were arrested after they called in their own crime. It seems they got trapped in an elevator after they broke into a building. They were freed by fire-fighters and promptly arrested. Why not just shoot them? Clearly they're not any good at their chosen profession.


American is still learning the lesson that SA knows all too well. Never leave your car idling. Two men helped themselves to a new $94 000 BMW 750i xDrive Sedan that was just asking to be rescued outside the Westin Book Cadillac Hotel. It begged for them to free it from ferrying the pampered asses of guests and executives attending the Detroit motor show.

They happily obliged. The two men and the car are still missing.

Has anyone checked if the thieves were South African?

Clearly we need to make a South African sequel to Gone In 60 Seconds.

We'll call it GONE... FOREVER.


Scientists may have discovered the answer to the deaths of hundreds of birds worldwide. Across the globe, masses of birds have been found dead sparking fears of another bird flu outbreak. The answer was far simpler.

Alcohol poisoning.

http://www.andenkengallery.com/images/drunk_bird_m.jpg

The birds, hard-up for food in the winter months, ate grapes that fermented in their gizzards causing such fun in-flight executions as flying into trees, powerlines, homes and planes.

There was also an earlier theory about the birds committing suicide after the unexplained fame of a cross-eyed possum, but that theory has been dismissed.


The Canadians have decided to censor Dire Straits' "Money For Nothing" 25 years after the Grammy-Award winning song was released.

The reason: the song uses the word "faggot" in a "sarcastic" way.

This comes on the heels of an uproar sparked when an US scholar published Mark Twain's Huckleberry Finn with the word "nigger" removed to make it less offensive to some readers.

Elsewhere in the world starved Somalis continued to drop like flies and decided to hijack Canadian shipping.


Kuala Lumpur and a Malaysian man has dumped his wife because a medium told him she was demon-possessed and casting spells on him. She'd apparently been doing it for the past 15 years. Clearly not a Hogwarts alumni.

Malaysians have a history of relying on faith healers and other purveyors of the bullcrap to get advice on things most people just handle on their own. And they often get taken for a ride. Recently it's gotten so bad that the government is planning on passing laws requiring mumbo-jumbo merchants to register with the authorities.

In an unrelated story, John Edwards has cancelled his Malaysian tour.


Los Angeles and the city of angels has moved one step closer to the abyss after inventing an iPhone controlled fridge that launches beer at him.

Meet Ryan Rusnak - http://newsliteimgs.s3.amazonaws.com/110113_beer2.jpg

The theory is that the invention stops you having to walk to the fridge to get a beer.

Because, God forbid, the morbidly obese manatee of America suffer a cardiac arrest from traversing the mammoth ten feet to the refrigerator.

If Al-Qaeda has any brains, they'll start creating explosive beer cans. They could vaporize half the heartland on Superbowl Sunday alone.


And finally... I'm not a huge fan of hunting. I reckon if you want to go traipsing after a kudu it's only fair that the animal wears Kevlar or, at least has a rifle of its own. But something happened in Belarus, Moscow recently that should give you weekend bushwhackers some pause.

A man was shot and wounded by a fox he'd just shot.

http://www.reuters.com/resources/r/?m=02&d=20110113&t=2&i=304930914&w=460&fh=&fw=&ll=&pl=&r=2011-01-13T195013Z_01_BTRE70C1J3R00_RTROPTP_0_BELARUS

It seems he came over to finish the animal with his rifle butt, the animal resisted, they fought - I'm not kidding - and then the fox pulled the trigger, blasting the would-be woodsman before making its escape.

Proving the old adage that "In Soviet Russia, the fox hunts you."

http://fc09.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2010/050/6/3/Leon_Volkov_by_Russian_Fox.jpg


This concludes this week's edition of The Opening Monologue. See you next week and remember, you haven't heard it all till you've heard The Last Say On Sunday.

Goodbye.

Posted by vittorio at 11:43 PM | Comments (0)

January 31, 2011

The Opening Monologue - 31/01/2011

The Opening Monologue - Monday the 31st of January 2011
Written by Vittorio Leonardi.



Good evening.

Well, it has been a special two weeks filled with grave robbers, ash stealers, book haters and all around dim people looking for a great time.

It's just another fine day in the neighbourhood for the inhabitants of the 3rd rock from the sun. Now one might wonder why society would ever tolerate such silliness. Why are THEY allowed to exist, breed, and so on? Look at it this way: as long as they're occupied doing that, they can't work at Home Affairs.

To prove my point, here's a chronicle of what they're capable of.


A Chinese university has banned the photocopying of any material that could be seen as subversive or expressing hate against the party, social politics or the state. Books that could be banned include:

• A Brave New World - Aldous Huxley

• 1984 - George Orwell

• The Bible/Quran/Torah/Tanakh

• How To Dodge A Tank - Tank-Track Ted

Definitely on the list is George Orwell's Animal Farm... for no particular reason.


A Cypriot Monk was detained at an Athens airport after it was discovered he had the skeletal remains of a nun in his suitcase.

"But she's a saint!" said the bone collector.

"We're not worried about her, we're worried about you sick boy!" said airport security.

When asked for comment, a church official stated, "Well, when he said he was boning some chick, I guess we should've asked for clarification... or at least profile pic."

Not to be outdone, a Buddhist Monk could be sentenced to five years in jail for smoking illegal cigarettes.

In a past monologue I mentioned the draconian measures being taken by the government of Bhutan to curb smoking. Bhutan wants to be the world's first smoke-free nation. However, the cunning entrepreneurial skills of Indian Black marketeers have poo-pooed that idea.

http://4.hidemyass.com/ip-1/encoded/Oi8vY2h6aGlzdG9yaWNsb2xzLmZpbGVzLndvcmRwcmVzcy5jb20vMjAxMS8wMS9mdW5ueS1waWN0dXJlcy1oaXN0b3J5LWJ1eS1vdXItY2lnYXJldHRlcy5qcGc%3D

And the guy got his illegal cigarettes from a town 170kms away. Dude... how badly did you need a fix?

http://demotivatorsblog.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/05/smoking-demotivational-poster.jpg

At least in jail he'll be able to get a smoke... on a pork sword. It could be worse. He could be a Russian rabbit.

http://verydemotivational.files.wordpress.com/2010/04/129153061553252009.jpg


Iran has continued its bid to be the most depressed nation on earth by banning all production of Valentine's Day products. Islamic hardliners have argued that to celebrate this Western holiday would be to invite the corruptive influence of Western values.

Then some nationalists said, "K, fine." And suggested replacing Valentine's Day with "Mehregan," an Iranian festival celebrated since the pre-Islamic era encompassing friendship, affection or love. Ah, yes, Valentine's Day with a different name. The hardliners said nothing further because there was nothing to yell and shake their fists at.

http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_jYbPNtJndg8/S98m1G2RCfI/AAAAAAAADvQ/uIrm_-8oxWw/s1600/posterRageBoy1.jpg

http://thepeoplescube.com/images/Fist_IslamicRageBoy.jpg


So, the cops in Silver Springs Shore, Florida, arrest some teens for burglary. After they interrogate them, they get a lead on another case. Cool, huh? They finally know what happened to some guys ashes.

It seems the lads broke into the deceased man's house and made off with, among other things, his and his two Great Dane's ashes. Here's the crypt kicker. They thought the ashes were cocaine or heroin.

Yes, the ashes were in an urn. No, that didn't stop them doing a line. Realising the spiritual implications of what they'd done, they talked about returning the urn.

http://images2.memegenerator.net/ImageMacro/3930329/have-a-nice-day-cause-youre-going-to-hell.jpg?imageSize=Medium&generatorName=Cool-Jesus

They decided, "Nah, our fingerprints might be on the urn. Let's toss it"

So they dumped it in a lake. So, no one had a rag or tissues to wipe down the urn? No one thought of that? It would've been nice... y'know... since you just DROWNED HIS REMAINS!

http://www.flickr.com/photos/discoweasel/1425453347/sizes/z/in/photostream/

In a well-placed but doomed act of restitution, police divers are now searching the water for the ashes. Just look for the patch of sand with "WTF?!" written on it.

The dog's ashes must be pissed. All that water and no playing fetch.

Russian authorities confiscated three tonnes of mammoth tusks... Wait, what? Yup. A gang of Russians was trying to smuggle mammoth tusks out of the country to parts unknown. You know there's a shortage when poachers start jacking ice, snow, archaeological digs and museums for their wares.

Who the hell buys a Mammoth tusk? Is a regular elephant tusk just not good enough? Methinks someone's compensating for something.

http://img.chan4chan.com/img/2009-10-05/1254739252160.jpg


You know how, sometimes you have cash on hand and you decide, that right now would be a great idea to buy something special? Well, some people need a little impulse control.

See this car?

http://www.autoguide.com/auto-news/wp-content/uploads//2011/01/1963-Pontiac-Ambulance.jpg

It's just been bought at auction for $120 000. Why? What the hell kind of a selling point is "Well it used to be a US Navy ambulance. Still runs. And look at the boot space! You could fit two corpses in there with room for the wife and kids."

So why is it so special? Because it was an ambulance for this guy:

http://www.joelventresca.com/pics/jfk.jpg

http://www.tmcarphoto.com/jfkcatfull.jpg

An ambulance used to transport this guy after his own advisers killed him. Allow me to make this plea to the good people of the US: Having the cash doesn't mean you should use it. In fact, in this case, it is more than a little creepy. You're not going to find a box of Magic Bullet Ammunition. They left that in Lyndon B., Johnson's car.

Some things shouldn't be sold. Sorry America. They just shouldn't be.

http://www.zgeek.com/forum/gallery/files/9/4/1/8/america-fuck-yeah.jpg


An Argentine woman that was in hospital after a failed suicide attempt was thrilled to find her room unattended and a window wide open. She quietly thanked hospital authorities for their rampant lack of foresight and then hurled out of the window.

But lo, God wasn't having it. She fell 23 stories and survived! A taxi cab broke her fall.

http://i.usatoday.net/communitymanager/_photos/on-deadline/2011/01/24/Buenos%20Airesx-wide-community.jpg

The trip cost her $3,00 cab fare and $50 000 for a new cab. Now take this as a hint lady. You survived that fall. Now go give birth to a messiah or something.


Adolf Hitler's last bodyguard has stated that at 93, his arthritis doesn't permit him to answer fan mail any more. Yup, this guy, till recently, would answer requests for autographs by sending fans an autographed picture of him in his SS uniform.

I think we're missing the point here.

He sucked as a bodyguard! Hitler went shambling right passed him, smelling of petrol and carrying a pistol.

When Adolf said, "Eva and I need some alone time."

He replied, "Okay boss. Everything looks to be a-okay in there."

Epic fail bodyguard boy.

http://www.epicfail.net/wp-content/gallery/fail-gallery/hitler_epicfail_0.jpg

Or did he? Dun! Dun!! Duuuuun!!!


Creativity is a wonderful thing. When it's combined with a degree of inspiration, you get something truly brilliant. A group of drug smugglers decided that to best transport their weed across the border, all they needed to do was avoid the patrols. They decided that they'd use this.

http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2011/01/27/article-1351062-0CEF7750000005DC-785_634x506.jpg

A catapult - A hand-welded, trailer-mounted, weed-hurling catapult! Genius. Okay so they got caught. Okay, it means that the $35 000 of weed will now be distributed by the D.E.A. and local law enforcement. But still, these soon-to-be-convicted men can hold their heads high for they can tell the tale.

A tale about how, one time, they tried to use a siege engine to bring joy to a joyless nation.

Gentlemen, we salute you!
http://c1.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/images01/108/l_c2d4c212735fb8134fe4856d31e37ef4.jpg


Former Miss Canada finalist Mary-Lou Zahalan-Kennedy (her name must be some kind of record breaker in Scrabble) has just become the first person in the world to graduate with a Masters Degree in Beatles Studies.

Not these ones: http://uppitywoman08.files.wordpress.com/2010/09/beetle4.jpg

Nor these ones: http://surfingart.com.au/images/vwphotos/long-vw-beetle-line.jpg

These ones: http://www.thekidswindow.co.uk/images/CMScontent/Image/beatles.gif

So now, with her new Masters Degree, she can look forward to a long and illustrious career at Look & Listen. Her folks must be so proud.

http://resources3.news.com.au/images/2011/01/27/1225995/222419-beatles-scholar-mary-lu-zahalan-kennedy.jpg


75-year old Joy Cassidy has learned a valuable lesson: never underestimate how hungry the Boise, Idaho Police are for some action. It seems that after several arguments with staff and patrons of the local library, joy had taken to dumping condiments into the drive-up drop box. And she was merciless too: corn and maple syrup, mayonnaise and ketchup all found their way into the shoot causing $1000 in damages.

So the library set up a surveillance system.

Remember, I said they the cops were hungry for action?

They decided set up a stakeout operation of the crime scene. I bet they scared the dentures off that old bat, swinging in with SWAT Teams and fire support.

Joy has since been sentenced to one month in jail and is not allowed to have contact with any Boise-area libraries for two years! That'll teach that evil woman.

http://img.metro.co.uk/i/pix/2010/06/15/article-1276596591308-0A096C8B000005DC-372513_636x584.jpg

Wow... you guys are really bored.


And Finally... Earlier I told the tale of the twits that pilfered a man's ashes during a burglary. Well, it seems that the Italians are going to show the Americans how it's done.

Meet Mike Bongiorno.

http://piggei.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2009/09/mike_bongiorno.jpg

Mike died in September 2009 at age 85. He was Italy's top quiz show host for more than 50 years, he was there for the first Italian TV broadcast in the 1950's and helped Silvio Berlusconi launch commercial television in the 1970's.

Two years after he was buried, a fan came to pay their respects and found that someone had decided to take Mike for a walk.

http://www.ilmfruits.com/wp-content/uploads/empty-grave.jpg

They had a rather subdued reaction and called the police.

http://media.funlol.com/content/img/hory-shet.jpg

According to the police, there have been no ransom demands. Now before you start... ah, screw it. Ransom demands?! Pay up or we'll kill him again? There. I'm fine now.

It seems this isn't the first time a famous corpse has been snatched for fun and profit. But those douches were caught soon afterwards.

Is this what we've come to?

http://cache3.asset-cache.net/xc/83337420.jpg?v=1&c=IWSAsset&k=2&d=77BFBA49EF8789215ABF3343C02EA5481A0F60E7074E3B64123429AEE9D05C1B225A76090EF1BECBE30A760B0D811297

I think it's time we employ a little dark power. Perhaps something like the Tales from The Crypt approach. That way, when they come for your corpse, someone will have your back.

Say hello to my little friend!!

http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_xLy3LSm14l8/TM2rXfg5TnI/AAAAAAAAEAg/Dk3deYry9Wg/s1600/vlcsnap-2010-10-31-10h24m59s209.png


This concludes this week's edition of The Opening Monologue. See you next week and remember, you haven't heard it all till you've heard The Last Say On Sunday.

Goodbye.

Posted by vittorio at 08:34 PM | Comments (0)

February 15, 2011

The Opening Monologue - 15/02/2011

The Opening Monologue - Tuesday the 15th of February 2011
Written by Vittorio Leonardi.



Good evening.

The last wisps of candle smoke have drifted, invisibly, into the breeze. A cool zephyr raises the hairs on your neck as the smell of roses and last night's champagne still clings to your senses. The brown haired beauty stirs, fleetingly next to you as you wonder,

"How did I get home?"

Then, as if to offer an explanation, a gap in the curtains illuminates last night's Valentine's gift: round, husky and no stranger to a supersized meal; flowing locks of auburn hair cascade over the many hills and valleys of their body. Ah yes, indeed, you remember now as the booze relinquishes its death-grip on your memory - A bar, some Jagerbombs and a troll for company.

You turn slowly in your bed; it stirs beside you, rolls over and mumbles, "Morning sexy. Round three?"

Your DNA shudders, not quite remembering rounds one and two. And then, as you prepare to mount your Valentine, a certain peace washes over you. You remember that it's just another day in the land of The Opening Monologue and it could be worse.

Though right now... You're not sure now.

Happy Valentine's Day everyone. Now, to business.


Sidenote: My brother once flew on an airline that has Premium Economy Class. This is like having Executive Homeless Class in alleys and sewer systems.


A while back I told the tale of a hunter that was shot by the fox he had shot and was trying to finish off. Well it seems that Mother Nature is no longer taking any more of our species' crap. A US man has died after being stabbed by a rooster at a cockfight. It seems that some one thought trained cocks fighting to the death wasn't entertaining enough so they strapped knives to the roosters and let them have at each other. The victim, one Jose Luis Ochoa, got stabbed in the calf and was dead two hours later. I think we all know who the real winner here is: Septicaemia.

Next life, go to the El Burro Show.

http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_6_mA_B2p-A0/Sn36ouR4rOI/AAAAAAAAAJ8/Era-eKMnnmg/s1600/burro.jpg

Horny donkeys only stab show girls. Usually.

An Alabama sex shop (no, it does not look like a barn) has found a novel way to drum up business with their "Guns for Toys" drive.

http://regmedia.co.uk/2011/02/09/guns_for_toys.jpg

Bring in your gun and you can get a waist shellacker of the same value. Folks bringing in .50cals are asked to bring them in via the back door to avoid embarrassment. Clearly you're compensating for something.

http://verydemotivational.files.wordpress.com/2010/10/demotivational-posters-humiliation.jpg


Where there's smoke there's fire and a heated pool it would seem. The Redditch Borough Council has launched a new cost-saving scheme: they're going to heat the pool of a leisure centre with an already existing heat source - the neighbouring crematorium.

So now you can see Elizabeth Fry and then go swimming in her ocean. If we're going to recycle, let's get serious!

http://www.motifake.com/image/demotivational-poster/1001/life-lessons-cremation-can-be-funny-demotivational-poster-1263861614.jpg


A former Catholic priest, aged 77, has been detained and charged with 50 counts of fraud. Apparently he thought he'd take some retirement cash to the hymn of €1000 000 or R9 900 000. I can understand why the church is upset. Fraud is usually outside of the scope of crimes the Catholic Church is known for.

http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_piZV3gN2kKM/TCis3pGStyI/AAAAAAAAC4c/N12UrRRoWjg/s1600/creepy-priest.jpg

Meanwhile in Lithuania, monks have gotten a brewery to remove an advertising billboard depicting Franciscan brother holding a brimming glass of beer. Perhaps they got smashed in the old days...

http://www.annmariegraves.com/gallery/large-monk.jpg

But now... not so much.

http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2009/08/18/article-0-05B92F81000005DC-846_468x467.jpg


A dog that can't hear has learned sign language at a Missouri prison and then at a school for the deaf. Yes, you read right. Prisoners are teaching sign language to dogs under the Puppies For Parole Program of the Missouri Department of Corrections. And it seems to be progressing well. Although Sparky the Dachshund hasn't revealed his gang affiliations yet, he has learned basic signs for commands like sit, stay, stab and bury.

http://images.cheezburger.com/completestore/2010/5/18/129186633446177935.jpg

Now if you own a dog in Sicily, you're going to wish the mutt shut up. Four people owning ten dogs have been jailed for two months after they refused to keep their yappers silent. There were repeated complaints about the dogs throwing wild parties, having strippers over and noisily burying their bones till all hours. In addition to the jail sentence, the owners have to fork out €500 in legal fees, each.

The moral of this story: every dog will have their day but their owners will soon find out that someone's going to foot the bill and somebody's going to pay.

http://www.motifake.com/image/demotivational-poster/1007/wingman-wingman-pimpin-aint-easy-demotivational-poster-1279575623.jpg

As a side note, Missouri might allow inmates to train dogs but South Carolina prison officials have had a brainwave: perhaps inmates shouldn't be allowed on Facebook.

I know, right!

http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_2dDKdiaPCdg/TJmJ8WWq63I/AAAAAAAAANo/HgFsvzUJNUA/s1600/fresh_duh_2.jpg

Any inmate caught using an illegal cellphone to upload messages to Facebook faces an additional 30 days tacked onto his sentence and a $500 fine. What a great idea. There are already too many predators on the streets, adding the jail-bound ones would just lead to overcrowding. Facebook stalking is an art people. We can't let everyone have a go.

http://tntcomic.net/comics/2008-03-26-tnt168_Dont_stalk_me_1.jpg


A New York restaurant has decided to make their meals more memorable to patrons by letting them take home a souvenir - the skin of the animal you just ate. Wow. If that were me, I'd be swimming in Big-Mac-skin wallets. But yes, you can get a leather belt or handbag or even a sweater or hat since there's bunny on the menu.

http://reformedpastor.files.wordpress.com/2010/01/facepalm1.jpg

The PETA people are going to have a field day with this.

http://worldofchimera.com/dalaran/wp-content/uploads/2009/04/peta_lasvegas_naked_1.jpg

Then again, maybe we all win.


Staying with bestial fun, a London museum has decided to throw caution to the wind and stage an exhibition about sex in the animal kingdom. Nice to see you guys are breaking new ground here. We're out of human hump footage so now we're going to bother the animals. That's great, because usually you have to pay extra for that kind of fetish action.

http://img.wonkette.com/assets/resources/2008/03/bushhuggingbunny.jpg

*shudders*


And finally... last year I noted that the Germans were king of the oddball story. But now it seems that the Russians are trying to knock the Goth nation off its perch. It's rare that you find a story that makes you thankful there's a full continent between you and the people in this next story.

A recent poll discovered the following:

• 32% of all Russians believe that the Earth is at the centre of the solar system and the sun revolves around us.

• 55% believe that all radiation is man-made.

• 29% believe that the first humans lived when dinosaurs still roamed the earth.

I'm starting to see how the cold war was a bad idea. Any nation that watches the Flintstones like it's a documentary should be kept away from the other children, preferably in a basement. And here's a happy parting thought: these people still have the vote and the leaders they elect have access to nuclear weapons. Ain't life grand?

http://www.myconfinedspace.com/wp-content/uploads/tdomf/182664/Epic_Facepalm_by_RJTH.jpg

http://www.ljplus.ru/img4/r/e/realjuly/Clown_Nuke_by_the_bastard_son.jpg

Sleep well everyone.

*shudders*


This concludes this week's edition of The Opening Monologue. See you next week and remember, you haven't heard it all till you've heard The Last Say On Sunday.

Goodbye.

Posted by vittorio at 10:14 PM | Comments (0)

November 01, 2011

MOVEMBER

As some of you might know, Movember is a charity drive that runs every year to raise funds for Prostate and Testicular Cancer Research.

The guys that take part in this cause are called MoBros. I am happy to count myself among them.

So, from the 1st of November... sorry, Movember, I'll be growing a moustache to raise awareness and funds for this worthy cause.

If you wish to make a donation, please click this link.

http://mobro.co/VittorioLeo

Be well and thank you for the support. You can follow my growth/progress on Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/people/Vittorio-Leonardi/611843658

or Twitter: http://twitter.com/#!/vittorioleo

Or the above link.

Thank you. Peace.

Posted by vittorio at 12:00 AM | Comments (0)

January 27, 2012

Things your new girlfriend doesn't want to hear.

Today the muse grabbed so I thought I'd add these ideas to the site.

This is a list in progress.
Here's hoping that none of these apply to you. And if they do...I want pictures.

1. I only watch the porn you're in. To! To! I only watch the porn you're inTo!

2. Let the man have his opinion babe. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, especially when he's huge.

3. Wait, let me set the camera to panorama.

4. You smell of cheese...again.

5. Let's ask your mom, she knows about V.D.

6. A headache? OK, but that's not the part of you I need right now.

7. Getting laid. Chat later. LoL!

8. If I said you have a beautiful body, would you help me bury one?

9. Can you take a punch?

10. Pole dancing will firm your butt up nicely.

11. You look just like my exes.

12. They said she put up quite a struggle.

13. They never did find the body.

14. It'll make my life so much easier if you just adopt my ex's name.

Posted by vittorio at 01:15 PM | Comments (0)

January 21, 2014

How to prepare for your first Open Spot

Many people have watched a comedy show and lost their minds. You watch a brilliant show and then start thinking "Hey that looks easy, how hard can it be?"

After a few more drinks and the gentle motivations of your friends, you've signed yourself up to do an open spot. The next day, what I like to call the "Oh Shit" moment settles in as you realise what you've done.

So what now?

Whatever path you took to get here, here's what to do now. Here's how to creating a set and what to do before and after you perform.

How to create a Comedy Set:

I can't help you with your choice of material. Whatever makes you laugh is a good place to start. I will say this: true stuff is the funniest stuff and you should always write your own material. Once you have your material, here's how you should structure it.

All material can be classified into four categories:

A - Your best material. Your sure-fire, funniest, can't lose stuff.

B - Second best stuff. Not as funny as the "A" material but still great.

C - Everything else. This material can be used to carry a story along or acts as a bridging material to the next gag.

W.T.F. - Stuff that, under the right circumstances, is funny but tends to not work with the majority of audiences. Avoid this, especially when starting out. Dark material like rape gags, sodomy and all other sexual deviations fall under this heading.

Structure your set in this sequence:

B - C - A

That way, you open well, carry through coherently and finish with a punch. Always say your name at the end, thank the audience and then go.


Presentation:

When it comes to presentation, try to focus on the A.R.T. of Stand-up comedy. These rules were given to me by Joe Parker and they do work.

A - Attitude:
Your rapport with the audience while on stage. Are you angry, nervous, twitchy or happy? What energy you put out, you get back, especially if it's real emotion. Yell at them; they'll pull away from you. Be nervous and they'll get nervous for you. If you're just starting out, be calm and have fun.

R - Rhythm:
It's your own individual vibe onstage, how you're feeling. It's also the pace at which you deliver your set. Speak too fast and you lose them. Speak too slowly and they may get bored. Every comic has their own rhythm and as you listen/watch/attend more comedy, you'll pick up on it. Your rhythm is unique to you.

T - Timing:
Most people can be taught how to deliver a line and make it funny. Some are born with a natural talent for it. In either case the more time you put in and the more experience you gather, the better the material will be and the better a comic you will be. Talent is honed with training. Training alone will only take you so far.


Preparation:

Get a notebook
Write down your set and use it to keep track of what jokes worked, what didn't work and what made your set fling itself off a cliff with all the zeal of a Japanese Lemming attacking a papier-mâché Pearl Harbour. Write down any ideas you may have. Make sure they are yours. Internet jokes don't work anymore. Everyone has email now. Someone in that crowd will have heard it.

Practice:
Practicing in front of a mirror is great if you want to memorise your set but stage time is all important. You'll only know how you're doing when you're on stage. An audience will let you know right quick. The more stage time you get, the faster you grow.


The Gig:
So, now that you've done all the prep you can muster, it's off to the gig.

Be On Time:
The easiest way to avoid getting a second spot is not showing up, being late, or having an attitude. If you can't make it, call in advance.

Time:
You'll be told to do Five minutes. Stick to your time. If you're up there and it's not working, don't hang around. If your time is up, leave. Rather than hog the stage looking for a laugh, walk away and try again. A simple rule to follow is it's better to do a hot three minute set than an average seven.

Ask a pro comic to watch your set and give you feedback. Write down the notes they give you otherwise you're wasting your time and theirs. You won't remember everything you hear Rain Man, so write it down.

Good luck.


I leave you with the immortal words of The Godfather of SA Stand-up Comedy - Mel Miller

"Never let a good gig go to your head or let a bad gig go to your heart."

Posted by vittorio at 02:12 PM | Comments (0)

So you've done your first set. Now what?

Exit Stage Left!

You're clear! You bustle passed the MC as he retakes the stage through a darkened green room to the corridor backstage. Your adrenalin is still pumping as you hear the MC working the audience back into comedy froth depending on how your set went. Everything gets quiet. You're alone.

Your first set is over.

Now what?

Your first spot is like a first date. You work so hard to make that first outing a success that once it's done you're stuck as to where to go from there.

Here are things to do while you're still at the gig.

Don't Leave:
Watch the other comics and see what you can learn about delivery, timing and material choice. Adrenaline is great for creativity; just don't expect to start brainfarting comedic genius right away.

Silence is Golden:
Its common sense but I'll say it anyway. While another comic is on stage, you - and your rent-a-crowd - need to shut your pudding-munchers. Save your chatter for the break. A noisy comic is seldom working.

Job Hunting:
During the break, while getting notes on your set, ask about other venues. Places that support trying out new material are better than established gigs that have the odd open spot. If you struggle/die in front of a paying audience that wanted a comedy show, you'll find it tough getting booked again.

Job Creation:
Open spots have attempted to start their own comedy nights to create a space to practice. The problem is that - sorry to be blunt - a lot of open spots aren't any good. If a line-up of those open spots die enough times, people will stop attending, thinking that all comedy nights are the same. It doesn't help the industry.

Venue Owners:
Open mic night is appealing to them because they don't have to pay anyone or promote the event. Also, they usually give performers their quietest evening in the hopes that the comedy will drum up some business. It's the "If They Gig Here, Cash Will Come" business plan. Door deals are a bad idea for that reason. Either the venue guarantees a set fee for the show or there is no comedy. A set fee forces the venue to take an interest in promoting the gig. If you're going to try run a gig solo, at least ask for advice from comedians already running gigs first.

Material Choice:
Blunt again. Sorry. Rape jokes don't work. Stop that! A lot of new comics like the idea of being the dark horse/edgy comic. The problem is you're neither Batman nor Bill Hicks yet so try learning your craft before you unleash the hounds of mediocrity. When choosing material, talk about what you find funny. Try a gag at least three times before shelving it. Above all, do material you like performing. It's going to be your set for a while.

Your Look:
Make your life easy. Look smart; wear what's comfortable and what won't distract the crowd from your set - unless your set needs that.

Costumes:
If you must wear a costume make sure your set motivates what you're wearing; otherwise it's just a diversion.

Hats:
Any headgear you wear must not obscure your face. Your expression, especially your eyes must be visible to the audience so they can connect with you.

Stage names:
Comics want to be rock stars. I've had guys tell me to introduce them as MC-13 and Magic 44. At that point, you are all Fred. When the MC brings on an open spot, your first name or full name is all he needs. If it's hard to pronounce, make a plan, one that doesn't involve your superhero alter ego.

Your Feelings:
You might "feel" like you deserve more work, another shot or a paid spot. Guess what? The booker might not "feel" the same way. In the end, talent is talent. If you deliver the goods consistently, or at least show improvement, you'll get booked again. The rest is up to the promoter. There are only so many spots, paid or otherwise.

Reality Check:
Be ready to deliver your set when asked. There are tons of willing pretenders keen to try. Many venues only give you one shot. Make sure you're prepared.

Egos:
Leave yours at the door. Actually, leave it at home, in a box buried in the backyard with a tag marked "DO NOT OPEN IN THE PRESENCE OF ALCOHOL" A sense of entitlement, a bad attitude, poor gig etiquette, arrogance and not showing up for a gig are all ways to ensure that no one will book you more than once. If you arrive at a gig thinking your shit doesn't stink... it does, and it'll show especially when it spatters your set.

That's it. Next time I'll start answering FAQS from open spots. V.

Posted by vittorio at 02:12 PM | Comments (0)

Open Spots questions answered

Before I get started, I'd like to point out a slight complaint of mine.

I often get calls, Facebook messages and even a sms or two - as retro as that might be - from open spots asking me where they can get some stage time.

That's not my complaint.

This is. What follows is the wrong way to ask for help. Keep in mind I've never met this person before.

"Hook me up 4 some open spot man. I'm around soweto n can manage to go arround joburg." (sic)

It's been a while since I've seen the language so severely pummelled in print. No hello, no please, just demands like a SARS-employed storm trooper. I showed this to Mark Lottering, whose first response was "Shall I fetch you also? Perhaps cook you a meal? Maybe you'd like a foot rub as well."

Grammar and punctuation might be a difficult concept to grasp but they shouldn't be expunged from your communication skills by The Verbal Inquisition. If you want a polite response, be cordial, introduce yourself and never demand anything. And when you've got over a thousand words to play with, there is no need to shorten the language in order to pay homage to your inner Dictionary Sloth.

Right, sermon over.

And now, onto the week's questions:

Zakkiya from Pretoria asks:
"How do I overcome a bad gig/bombing?"

Martin Davis had this to say to a nervous open spot. (As I paraphrase, I will attempt to write in a Cockney accent:
Martin: "D'y'know what 'appens tonight if you die, completely die on your ass?"
Open Spot: "No."
Martin: "Nuffink." But, d'y'know what happens tonight if you storm, I mean completely blow the roof off the place?"
Open Spot: "No."
Martin: "Nuffink. So, go out there and 'ave fun. Happy days."

If you die, leave the death at the gig. It's done. Go home. The best thing you can do is keep coming back because your first gig isn't your toughest gig. This is a marathon, not a sprint. As Mel Miller has said and I have often quoted, "Never let a bad gig go to your heart."

It helps to record your sets, especially at the beginning. Video is best. That way, you can see what you're doing or not doing and see where things can be improved upon. Perseverance is important. It's like stalking without the restraining order.

Chris from Cape Town asks:
"If you do a set without timing and die and then you do a set with timing, can you kill?"

Possibly, but inserting some timing where there was none before will always improve a set. To kill, you'd have to have a perfect storm moment. Only when the material, timing, attitude and rhythm of the performance all fall into place at once, and only with the right audience for that set, can so drastic a change happen all at once.
Good timing will improve material and make it funnier but it isn't a silver bullet. It's a partnership between the two. One cannot work well without the other.

As to material itself, it comes back to the frame of reference. It's like an electrical circuit: the further apart the two electrodes are, the more energy it takes to get a spark to leap the gap. The same goes for comedy. The more you have to fill the audience in, the longer it takes for the material to spark with them.

Shared experiences are the bedrock of all comedy. True stuff is the funniest stuff, as Jeff Foxworthy once said.

Also, try a gag at least three times, three different ways, before you decide to shelve it.

Last Question.

Lwando from Jozi asks:
"How do you learn to read your audience?"

Practice, at every gig. This is where observation comes in. Make sure that when you have a gig or you're just there to watch a show, observe what the MC does. A good MC will behave a lot like a fisherman: throwing out a series of different lines to see what the audience will bite at. What they laugh at loudest will be the easier material to do on the night.

There you go folks. I'll answer more questions as I receive them. Keep sending in your questions to vthejester(at)gmail(dot)com.

And remember to have fun out there. Comedy should never feel like work

V.

Posted by vittorio at 02:12 PM | Comments (0)