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February 15, 2011

The Opening Monologue - 15/02/2011

The Opening Monologue - Tuesday the 15th of February 2011
Written by Vittorio Leonardi.



Good evening.

The last wisps of candle smoke have drifted, invisibly, into the breeze. A cool zephyr raises the hairs on your neck as the smell of roses and last night's champagne still clings to your senses. The brown haired beauty stirs, fleetingly next to you as you wonder,

"How did I get home?"

Then, as if to offer an explanation, a gap in the curtains illuminates last night's Valentine's gift: round, husky and no stranger to a supersized meal; flowing locks of auburn hair cascade over the many hills and valleys of their body. Ah yes, indeed, you remember now as the booze relinquishes its death-grip on your memory - A bar, some Jagerbombs and a troll for company.

You turn slowly in your bed; it stirs beside you, rolls over and mumbles, "Morning sexy. Round three?"

Your DNA shudders, not quite remembering rounds one and two. And then, as you prepare to mount your Valentine, a certain peace washes over you. You remember that it's just another day in the land of The Opening Monologue and it could be worse.

Though right now... You're not sure now.

Happy Valentine's Day everyone. Now, to business.


Sidenote: My brother once flew on an airline that has Premium Economy Class. This is like having Executive Homeless Class in alleys and sewer systems.


A while back I told the tale of a hunter that was shot by the fox he had shot and was trying to finish off. Well it seems that Mother Nature is no longer taking any more of our species' crap. A US man has died after being stabbed by a rooster at a cockfight. It seems that some one thought trained cocks fighting to the death wasn't entertaining enough so they strapped knives to the roosters and let them have at each other. The victim, one Jose Luis Ochoa, got stabbed in the calf and was dead two hours later. I think we all know who the real winner here is: Septicaemia.

Next life, go to the El Burro Show.

http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_6_mA_B2p-A0/Sn36ouR4rOI/AAAAAAAAAJ8/Era-eKMnnmg/s1600/burro.jpg

Horny donkeys only stab show girls. Usually.

An Alabama sex shop (no, it does not look like a barn) has found a novel way to drum up business with their "Guns for Toys" drive.

http://regmedia.co.uk/2011/02/09/guns_for_toys.jpg

Bring in your gun and you can get a waist shellacker of the same value. Folks bringing in .50cals are asked to bring them in via the back door to avoid embarrassment. Clearly you're compensating for something.

http://verydemotivational.files.wordpress.com/2010/10/demotivational-posters-humiliation.jpg


Where there's smoke there's fire and a heated pool it would seem. The Redditch Borough Council has launched a new cost-saving scheme: they're going to heat the pool of a leisure centre with an already existing heat source - the neighbouring crematorium.

So now you can see Elizabeth Fry and then go swimming in her ocean. If we're going to recycle, let's get serious!

http://www.motifake.com/image/demotivational-poster/1001/life-lessons-cremation-can-be-funny-demotivational-poster-1263861614.jpg


A former Catholic priest, aged 77, has been detained and charged with 50 counts of fraud. Apparently he thought he'd take some retirement cash to the hymn of €1000 000 or R9 900 000. I can understand why the church is upset. Fraud is usually outside of the scope of crimes the Catholic Church is known for.

http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_piZV3gN2kKM/TCis3pGStyI/AAAAAAAAC4c/N12UrRRoWjg/s1600/creepy-priest.jpg

Meanwhile in Lithuania, monks have gotten a brewery to remove an advertising billboard depicting Franciscan brother holding a brimming glass of beer. Perhaps they got smashed in the old days...

http://www.annmariegraves.com/gallery/large-monk.jpg

But now... not so much.

http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2009/08/18/article-0-05B92F81000005DC-846_468x467.jpg


A dog that can't hear has learned sign language at a Missouri prison and then at a school for the deaf. Yes, you read right. Prisoners are teaching sign language to dogs under the Puppies For Parole Program of the Missouri Department of Corrections. And it seems to be progressing well. Although Sparky the Dachshund hasn't revealed his gang affiliations yet, he has learned basic signs for commands like sit, stay, stab and bury.

http://images.cheezburger.com/completestore/2010/5/18/129186633446177935.jpg

Now if you own a dog in Sicily, you're going to wish the mutt shut up. Four people owning ten dogs have been jailed for two months after they refused to keep their yappers silent. There were repeated complaints about the dogs throwing wild parties, having strippers over and noisily burying their bones till all hours. In addition to the jail sentence, the owners have to fork out €500 in legal fees, each.

The moral of this story: every dog will have their day but their owners will soon find out that someone's going to foot the bill and somebody's going to pay.

http://www.motifake.com/image/demotivational-poster/1007/wingman-wingman-pimpin-aint-easy-demotivational-poster-1279575623.jpg

As a side note, Missouri might allow inmates to train dogs but South Carolina prison officials have had a brainwave: perhaps inmates shouldn't be allowed on Facebook.

I know, right!

http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_2dDKdiaPCdg/TJmJ8WWq63I/AAAAAAAAANo/HgFsvzUJNUA/s1600/fresh_duh_2.jpg

Any inmate caught using an illegal cellphone to upload messages to Facebook faces an additional 30 days tacked onto his sentence and a $500 fine. What a great idea. There are already too many predators on the streets, adding the jail-bound ones would just lead to overcrowding. Facebook stalking is an art people. We can't let everyone have a go.

http://tntcomic.net/comics/2008-03-26-tnt168_Dont_stalk_me_1.jpg


A New York restaurant has decided to make their meals more memorable to patrons by letting them take home a souvenir - the skin of the animal you just ate. Wow. If that were me, I'd be swimming in Big-Mac-skin wallets. But yes, you can get a leather belt or handbag or even a sweater or hat since there's bunny on the menu.

http://reformedpastor.files.wordpress.com/2010/01/facepalm1.jpg

The PETA people are going to have a field day with this.

http://worldofchimera.com/dalaran/wp-content/uploads/2009/04/peta_lasvegas_naked_1.jpg

Then again, maybe we all win.


Staying with bestial fun, a London museum has decided to throw caution to the wind and stage an exhibition about sex in the animal kingdom. Nice to see you guys are breaking new ground here. We're out of human hump footage so now we're going to bother the animals. That's great, because usually you have to pay extra for that kind of fetish action.

http://img.wonkette.com/assets/resources/2008/03/bushhuggingbunny.jpg

*shudders*


And finally... last year I noted that the Germans were king of the oddball story. But now it seems that the Russians are trying to knock the Goth nation off its perch. It's rare that you find a story that makes you thankful there's a full continent between you and the people in this next story.

A recent poll discovered the following:

• 32% of all Russians believe that the Earth is at the centre of the solar system and the sun revolves around us.

• 55% believe that all radiation is man-made.

• 29% believe that the first humans lived when dinosaurs still roamed the earth.

I'm starting to see how the cold war was a bad idea. Any nation that watches the Flintstones like it's a documentary should be kept away from the other children, preferably in a basement. And here's a happy parting thought: these people still have the vote and the leaders they elect have access to nuclear weapons. Ain't life grand?

http://www.myconfinedspace.com/wp-content/uploads/tdomf/182664/Epic_Facepalm_by_RJTH.jpg

http://www.ljplus.ru/img4/r/e/realjuly/Clown_Nuke_by_the_bastard_son.jpg

Sleep well everyone.

*shudders*


This concludes this week's edition of The Opening Monologue. See you next week and remember, you haven't heard it all till you've heard The Last Say On Sunday.

Goodbye.

Posted by vittorio at February 15, 2011 10:14 PM

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