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February 8, 2011

The Opening Monologue - 08/02/2011

The Opening Monologue - Tuesday the 8th of February 2011
Written by Vittorio Leonardi.

Good evening.

It's been another fine week full of the mentally-ill, the ill-tempered, the mean-spirited and those that have had too many spirits. And you don't ever have to go looking for them. They're all right here for your amusement in The Opening Monologue. So, before we read on, let's all drop to our knees, bow our heads and say The Monologue Mantra:

Dear Lord, thank you so much that I'm not like these people! Amen.

The Top Gear team have done it again. First it was banter about murdering prostitutes, now they've managed to offend an ambassador. On a recent show, the lads described Mexican sports cars, and by extension, Mexicans thus:

Top Gear presenter Hammond had asked why anyone would buy a Mexican car during a discussion of a Mexican sports model, the Mastretta.

"Cars reflect national characteristics don't they?" said Hammond. "Mexican cars are just going to be lazy, feckless, flatulent, overweight, leaning against a fence asleep looking at a cactus with a blanket with a hole in the middle on as a coat."

The trio then described Mexican food as "refried sick" before suggesting Mexicans spent all day asleep.

"That's why we won't get any complaints about this because at the Mexican embassy the ambassador's going to be sitting there with a remote control like this," said Clarkson, pretending to slump in a chair, snoring.

But here's the kicker. The BBC apologised for the comments if they seemed offensive to the ambassador (If?) but that stereotyping is a "robust part" of British humour.

So essentially what they're saying is that that dumb, dosey spick of an ambassador should adjust his sombrero, drink some tequila and just lighten up. Thanks for clearing that up BBC.

However, the British Advertising standards Authority wasted no time in pouncing on an Yves St Laurent ad that, according to them, simulated drug use.


Apart from inducing pimpled chavs into a masturbatory coma, I see no issue with the commercial. But then again, I can see how it would be a bad idea to make Essex girls addictive.

And before anyone takes offence to that stereotyping, remember that I'm just indulging in that "robust part" of South African humour.

Staying in Britain, an enterprising 65-year old man has been arrested for selling books autographed by Winston Churchill on E-bay. The problem - the old man forged the signatures.

At his home they found calligraphy pens, ink and a stack of books by J.R.R. Tolkien, T.S. Eliot and Robert Louis Stevenson. That old git, how dare he read and write! Good on ya lads, bust his ass. At least when they throw the book at him, he can sign it.

It is a sad state of affairs: You're born after the war, with the ability to forge the signature of a one of the most influential characters in it. You've got to make some money somehow... God bless E-bay. Where there's always a willing sucker - I mean buyer waiting for you.


Australian researchers have found that all parrots use either their right foot with their right eye, or left foot with their left eye while foraging for food. Don't worry guys; I'm sure that one day they'll let you research something important.



A New York Councilman has suggested creating special parking permits for pregnant women. I don't see why. All you have to do is make the parking spaces bigger. And besides, what sick bastard is driving his pregnant wife to work?


Never mind.

An escaped mental patient from Northern Ireland has been caught. He was teaching German in a French school at the time.

Sometimes the jokes just write themselves.


The school said they'd followed standard temp hiring procedures; he had given a good interview and presented the right qualifications.


I bet it was real entertaining too. I mean it's not every day that Napoleon applies for the job.


The hiring panel also said they had requested a police record on the man but that it had arrived a week after his arrest.

Home Affairs efficiency for the win!

His incoherent ramblings gave him away. Curses, foiled again. The man, who is now at a hospital in south-east France, thinks he belonged to Britain's MI5 domestic intelligence agency and would sometimes wear gloves in order not to leave finger prints.

Apparently, the students never complained about his behaviour.


A Polish man is suing a German-based-travel company after he went on an Elephant hunting trip and didn't see any.

Waldemar I was dropped into Zimbabwe and was very annoyed when there were no elephant to be had. I think I understand what happened.


'Nuff said.

However, it is Zimbabwe. Could it be that the elephant have moved on to greener pastures? Or perhaps, and this is just a shot in the dark, they've already been eaten.


I'm just saying.

And finally... bath time should be a relaxing time. For some, it is a time to reflect, to let go of tension and the occasional fart. But there are those that want more. They want to feel energised, they want to hallucinate. In short, they need bath salts!!


Yes indeed, bath salts. Apparently law makers in the U.S. have just realised that two ingredients in certain bath salts - mephedrone and methylenedioxypyrovalerone, or MDPV - have the same effect as crystal meth. And are being sold over the counter legally!!

Chris Rock was right, people want to get high.

So the party poopers are going to ban them.

Oh well, I guess parents will just have to find another way to get Timmy in the tub.


This concludes this week's edition of The Opening Monologue. See you next week and remember, you haven't heard it all till you've heard The Last Say On Sunday.


Posted by vittorio at February 8, 2011 1:11 PM


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