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February 8, 2011

The Opening Monologue - 08/02/2011

The Opening Monologue - Tuesday the 8th of February 2011
Written by Vittorio Leonardi.



Good evening.

It's been another fine week full of the mentally-ill, the ill-tempered, the mean-spirited and those that have had too many spirits. And you don't ever have to go looking for them. They're all right here for your amusement in The Opening Monologue. So, before we read on, let's all drop to our knees, bow our heads and say The Monologue Mantra:

Dear Lord, thank you so much that I'm not like these people! Amen.


The Top Gear team have done it again. First it was banter about murdering prostitutes, now they've managed to offend an ambassador. On a recent show, the lads described Mexican sports cars, and by extension, Mexicans thus:

Top Gear presenter Hammond had asked why anyone would buy a Mexican car during a discussion of a Mexican sports model, the Mastretta.

"Cars reflect national characteristics don't they?" said Hammond. "Mexican cars are just going to be lazy, feckless, flatulent, overweight, leaning against a fence asleep looking at a cactus with a blanket with a hole in the middle on as a coat."

The trio then described Mexican food as "refried sick" before suggesting Mexicans spent all day asleep.

"That's why we won't get any complaints about this because at the Mexican embassy the ambassador's going to be sitting there with a remote control like this," said Clarkson, pretending to slump in a chair, snoring.

But here's the kicker. The BBC apologised for the comments if they seemed offensive to the ambassador (If?) but that stereotyping is a "robust part" of British humour.

So essentially what they're saying is that that dumb, dosey spick of an ambassador should adjust his sombrero, drink some tequila and just lighten up. Thanks for clearing that up BBC.

However, the British Advertising standards Authority wasted no time in pouncing on an Yves St Laurent ad that, according to them, simulated drug use.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3aaC0vNXsHk

Apart from inducing pimpled chavs into a masturbatory coma, I see no issue with the commercial. But then again, I can see how it would be a bad idea to make Essex girls addictive.

And before anyone takes offence to that stereotyping, remember that I'm just indulging in that "robust part" of South African humour.


Staying in Britain, an enterprising 65-year old man has been arrested for selling books autographed by Winston Churchill on E-bay. The problem - the old man forged the signatures.

At his home they found calligraphy pens, ink and a stack of books by J.R.R. Tolkien, T.S. Eliot and Robert Louis Stevenson. That old git, how dare he read and write! Good on ya lads, bust his ass. At least when they throw the book at him, he can sign it.

It is a sad state of affairs: You're born after the war, with the ability to forge the signature of a one of the most influential characters in it. You've got to make some money somehow... God bless E-bay. Where there's always a willing sucker - I mean buyer waiting for you.

http://lolympics.com/files/images/motivational-poster-ebay-01.jpg


Australian researchers have found that all parrots use either their right foot with their right eye, or left foot with their left eye while foraging for food. Don't worry guys; I'm sure that one day they'll let you research something important.

http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_3IjRgoGWUBo/SjLCfqTjRpI/AAAAAAAAAQM/tAzZsc3RT0k/s1600-h/research.jpg

http://www.motifake.com/image/demotivational-poster/0909/the-research-is-complete-big-hooters-demotivational-poster-1253630983.jpg


A New York Councilman has suggested creating special parking permits for pregnant women. I don't see why. All you have to do is make the parking spaces bigger. And besides, what sick bastard is driving his pregnant wife to work?

http://www.motifake.com/image/demotivational-poster/0909/what-happens-in-vegas-demotivational-poster-1253631940.jpg

Never mind.


An escaped mental patient from Northern Ireland has been caught. He was teaching German in a French school at the time.

Sometimes the jokes just write themselves.

http://verydemotivational.files.wordpress.com/2010/01/129078856624108130.jpg

The school said they'd followed standard temp hiring procedures; he had given a good interview and presented the right qualifications.

http://www.motifake.com/image/demotivational-poster/0804/schizophrenia-demotivational-poster-1207842829.jpg

I bet it was real entertaining too. I mean it's not every day that Napoleon applies for the job.

http://verydemotivational.files.wordpress.com/2010/12/demotivational-posters-schizophrenia.jpg

The hiring panel also said they had requested a police record on the man but that it had arrived a week after his arrest.

Home Affairs efficiency for the win!

His incoherent ramblings gave him away. Curses, foiled again. The man, who is now at a hospital in south-east France, thinks he belonged to Britain's MI5 domestic intelligence agency and would sometimes wear gloves in order not to leave finger prints.

Apparently, the students never complained about his behaviour.

http://i45.photobucket.com/albums/f51/Nugefan15/education2ok.jpg


A Polish man is suing a German-based-travel company after he went on an Elephant hunting trip and didn't see any.

Waldemar I was dropped into Zimbabwe and was very annoyed when there were no elephant to be had. I think I understand what happened.

http://photos.imageevent.com/afap/wallpapers/televisionshows/looneytunes/elmer%20fudd.jpg

'Nuff said.

However, it is Zimbabwe. Could it be that the elephant have moved on to greener pastures? Or perhaps, and this is just a shot in the dark, they've already been eaten.

http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_mmBw3uzPnJI/S5ZGssBBioI/AAAAAAABFBA/_fIB0Q_hMeQ/s400/zimbabwe_elephant_06.jpg

I'm just saying.


And finally... bath time should be a relaxing time. For some, it is a time to reflect, to let go of tension and the occasional fart. But there are those that want more. They want to feel energised, they want to hallucinate. In short, they need bath salts!!

http://lh3.ggpht.com/_bkFIPLIOGL8/TNv5c1b8rNI/AAAAAAAAvBQ/RmvWNcrVO0w/crystal%20meth.jpg

Yes indeed, bath salts. Apparently law makers in the U.S. have just realised that two ingredients in certain bath salts - mephedrone and methylenedioxypyrovalerone, or MDPV - have the same effect as crystal meth. And are being sold over the counter legally!!

Chris Rock was right, people want to get high.

So the party poopers are going to ban them.

Oh well, I guess parents will just have to find another way to get Timmy in the tub.

http://www.motifake.com/image/demotivational-poster/1002/crystal-meth-crystal-meth-potato-chip-demotivational-poster-1265052535.jpg


This concludes this week's edition of The Opening Monologue. See you next week and remember, you haven't heard it all till you've heard The Last Say On Sunday.

Goodbye.

Posted by vittorio at 1:11 PM | Comments (0)

Stand-up Comedy @ Ridgeback

Tuesday the 8th of February 2011
Ridgeback Village Restaurant

129 Jean Avenue,
Corner Jean Ave and Suid Street, Centurion.

BOOKINGS: (+2712) 6671142

It's student night at Ridgeback and we're gonna rock the house with some pumping stand-up comedy!

Join me on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?v=info&gid=91633385882
Join The Opening Monologue: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=303236570417&ref=ts

Line-up: Nicky Van (MC), Hannes Brummer and Vittorio Leonardi.

Show Starts: 20:00
NO ENTRANCE FEE!!

Posted by vittorio at 8:00 PM | Comments (0)

February 9, 2011

Improv Comedy @ Parker's Comedy & Jive

Wednesday the 9th of February 2011

Parker's Comedy & Jive
Shop 24 (Entrance 1)
Montecasino, Montecasino Boulevard, (C/o William Nicol and Witkoppen Roads), Fourways, Sandton, Gauteng, South Africa.

Website: http://www.parkerscomedy.com/ and http://www.parkerleisure.co.za/
Bookings: (+2711) 511 0081

BOOK AT COMPUTICKET:
http://www.computicket.com/web/event/parker_s_comedy_09_february/298771809

Join my Facebook group at: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=91633385882&v=info
Join The Opening Monologue at: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=303236570417

Line-up: Joe Parker (MC), Improv Express. And your headliner for the evening: Ndumiso Lindi

Show Starts: 20:00
Entrance Fee: R70

Posted by vittorio at 8:00 PM | Comments (0)

February 13, 2011

Stand-up Comedy @ The Comedy Underground

Sunday the 13th of February 2011

Comedy Underground
Cool Runnings, 27 4th Ave, Melville. Johannesburg, Gauteng, South Africa.

Information: (+2711) 482 4786

Brought to you by Cool Runnings and Whacked Management.

URL: http://www.whacked.co.za/home.html
Email: taffia@whacked.co.za
Telephone: (+2711) 326 0021
Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=91633385882#/pages/Whacked-Entertainment-Management/144167930317?ref=ts

Join me on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=91633385882
Join The Opening Monologue: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=303236570417

Line-up: Joey Rasdien (MC), Robbie Collins, Tol Ass Mo, Hannes Brummer, Eureka Nkese, Nadiem Solomon, Shea Woodrow, Mark Palmer and Vittorio Leonardi.

Show Starts: 20:00
Entrance Fee: R30

Posted by vittorio at 8:00 PM | Comments (0)

February 14, 2011

Open Mic Competition @ Bubba J's

Monday the 14th of February 2011
Bubba J's Sports and Comedy Cafe

Corner of Finch & Reier Road, Atlasville

Join me on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?v=info&gid=91633385882
Join The Opening Monologue: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=303236570417

Line-up: Vittorio Leonardi (MC) and a cast of open spots.

Show Starts: 20:30
Entrance Fee: FREE!!

Posted by vittorio at 8:30 PM | Comments (0)

February 15, 2011

The Opening Monologue - 15/02/2011

The Opening Monologue - Tuesday the 15th of February 2011
Written by Vittorio Leonardi.



Good evening.

The last wisps of candle smoke have drifted, invisibly, into the breeze. A cool zephyr raises the hairs on your neck as the smell of roses and last night's champagne still clings to your senses. The brown haired beauty stirs, fleetingly next to you as you wonder,

"How did I get home?"

Then, as if to offer an explanation, a gap in the curtains illuminates last night's Valentine's gift: round, husky and no stranger to a supersized meal; flowing locks of auburn hair cascade over the many hills and valleys of their body. Ah yes, indeed, you remember now as the booze relinquishes its death-grip on your memory - A bar, some Jagerbombs and a troll for company.

You turn slowly in your bed; it stirs beside you, rolls over and mumbles, "Morning sexy. Round three?"

Your DNA shudders, not quite remembering rounds one and two. And then, as you prepare to mount your Valentine, a certain peace washes over you. You remember that it's just another day in the land of The Opening Monologue and it could be worse.

Though right now... You're not sure now.

Happy Valentine's Day everyone. Now, to business.


Sidenote: My brother once flew on an airline that has Premium Economy Class. This is like having Executive Homeless Class in alleys and sewer systems.


A while back I told the tale of a hunter that was shot by the fox he had shot and was trying to finish off. Well it seems that Mother Nature is no longer taking any more of our species' crap. A US man has died after being stabbed by a rooster at a cockfight. It seems that some one thought trained cocks fighting to the death wasn't entertaining enough so they strapped knives to the roosters and let them have at each other. The victim, one Jose Luis Ochoa, got stabbed in the calf and was dead two hours later. I think we all know who the real winner here is: Septicaemia.

Next life, go to the El Burro Show.

http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_6_mA_B2p-A0/Sn36ouR4rOI/AAAAAAAAAJ8/Era-eKMnnmg/s1600/burro.jpg

Horny donkeys only stab show girls. Usually.

An Alabama sex shop (no, it does not look like a barn) has found a novel way to drum up business with their "Guns for Toys" drive.

http://regmedia.co.uk/2011/02/09/guns_for_toys.jpg

Bring in your gun and you can get a waist shellacker of the same value. Folks bringing in .50cals are asked to bring them in via the back door to avoid embarrassment. Clearly you're compensating for something.

http://verydemotivational.files.wordpress.com/2010/10/demotivational-posters-humiliation.jpg


Where there's smoke there's fire and a heated pool it would seem. The Redditch Borough Council has launched a new cost-saving scheme: they're going to heat the pool of a leisure centre with an already existing heat source - the neighbouring crematorium.

So now you can see Elizabeth Fry and then go swimming in her ocean. If we're going to recycle, let's get serious!

http://www.motifake.com/image/demotivational-poster/1001/life-lessons-cremation-can-be-funny-demotivational-poster-1263861614.jpg


A former Catholic priest, aged 77, has been detained and charged with 50 counts of fraud. Apparently he thought he'd take some retirement cash to the hymn of €1000 000 or R9 900 000. I can understand why the church is upset. Fraud is usually outside of the scope of crimes the Catholic Church is known for.

http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_piZV3gN2kKM/TCis3pGStyI/AAAAAAAAC4c/N12UrRRoWjg/s1600/creepy-priest.jpg

Meanwhile in Lithuania, monks have gotten a brewery to remove an advertising billboard depicting Franciscan brother holding a brimming glass of beer. Perhaps they got smashed in the old days...

http://www.annmariegraves.com/gallery/large-monk.jpg

But now... not so much.

http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2009/08/18/article-0-05B92F81000005DC-846_468x467.jpg


A dog that can't hear has learned sign language at a Missouri prison and then at a school for the deaf. Yes, you read right. Prisoners are teaching sign language to dogs under the Puppies For Parole Program of the Missouri Department of Corrections. And it seems to be progressing well. Although Sparky the Dachshund hasn't revealed his gang affiliations yet, he has learned basic signs for commands like sit, stay, stab and bury.

http://images.cheezburger.com/completestore/2010/5/18/129186633446177935.jpg

Now if you own a dog in Sicily, you're going to wish the mutt shut up. Four people owning ten dogs have been jailed for two months after they refused to keep their yappers silent. There were repeated complaints about the dogs throwing wild parties, having strippers over and noisily burying their bones till all hours. In addition to the jail sentence, the owners have to fork out €500 in legal fees, each.

The moral of this story: every dog will have their day but their owners will soon find out that someone's going to foot the bill and somebody's going to pay.

http://www.motifake.com/image/demotivational-poster/1007/wingman-wingman-pimpin-aint-easy-demotivational-poster-1279575623.jpg

As a side note, Missouri might allow inmates to train dogs but South Carolina prison officials have had a brainwave: perhaps inmates shouldn't be allowed on Facebook.

I know, right!

http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_2dDKdiaPCdg/TJmJ8WWq63I/AAAAAAAAANo/HgFsvzUJNUA/s1600/fresh_duh_2.jpg

Any inmate caught using an illegal cellphone to upload messages to Facebook faces an additional 30 days tacked onto his sentence and a $500 fine. What a great idea. There are already too many predators on the streets, adding the jail-bound ones would just lead to overcrowding. Facebook stalking is an art people. We can't let everyone have a go.

http://tntcomic.net/comics/2008-03-26-tnt168_Dont_stalk_me_1.jpg


A New York restaurant has decided to make their meals more memorable to patrons by letting them take home a souvenir - the skin of the animal you just ate. Wow. If that were me, I'd be swimming in Big-Mac-skin wallets. But yes, you can get a leather belt or handbag or even a sweater or hat since there's bunny on the menu.

http://reformedpastor.files.wordpress.com/2010/01/facepalm1.jpg

The PETA people are going to have a field day with this.

http://worldofchimera.com/dalaran/wp-content/uploads/2009/04/peta_lasvegas_naked_1.jpg

Then again, maybe we all win.


Staying with bestial fun, a London museum has decided to throw caution to the wind and stage an exhibition about sex in the animal kingdom. Nice to see you guys are breaking new ground here. We're out of human hump footage so now we're going to bother the animals. That's great, because usually you have to pay extra for that kind of fetish action.

http://img.wonkette.com/assets/resources/2008/03/bushhuggingbunny.jpg

*shudders*


And finally... last year I noted that the Germans were king of the oddball story. But now it seems that the Russians are trying to knock the Goth nation off its perch. It's rare that you find a story that makes you thankful there's a full continent between you and the people in this next story.

A recent poll discovered the following:

• 32% of all Russians believe that the Earth is at the centre of the solar system and the sun revolves around us.

• 55% believe that all radiation is man-made.

• 29% believe that the first humans lived when dinosaurs still roamed the earth.

I'm starting to see how the cold war was a bad idea. Any nation that watches the Flintstones like it's a documentary should be kept away from the other children, preferably in a basement. And here's a happy parting thought: these people still have the vote and the leaders they elect have access to nuclear weapons. Ain't life grand?

http://www.myconfinedspace.com/wp-content/uploads/tdomf/182664/Epic_Facepalm_by_RJTH.jpg

http://www.ljplus.ru/img4/r/e/realjuly/Clown_Nuke_by_the_bastard_son.jpg

Sleep well everyone.

*shudders*


This concludes this week's edition of The Opening Monologue. See you next week and remember, you haven't heard it all till you've heard The Last Say On Sunday.

Goodbye.

Posted by vittorio at 10:14 PM | Comments (0)

February 16, 2011

Improv Comedy @ Parker's Comedy & Jive

Wednesday the 16th of February 2011

Parker's Comedy & Jive
Shop 24 (Entrance 1)
Montecasino, Montecasino Boulevard, (C/o William Nicol and Witkoppen Roads), Fourways, Sandton, Gauteng, South Africa.

Website: http://www.parkerscomedy.com/ and http://www.parkerleisure.co.za/
Bookings: (+2711) 511 0081

BOOK AT COMPUTICKET:
http://www.computicket.com/web/event/parker_s_comedy_16_february/298771952

Join my Facebook group at: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=91633385882&v=info
Join The Opening Monologue at: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=303236570417

Line-up: Dave Levinsohn (MC), Improv Express. And your headliner for the evening: US Comic Will-e Robo

Show Starts: 20:00
Entrance Fee: R70

Posted by vittorio at 8:00 PM | Comments (0)

February 23, 2011

Stand-up Comedy @ Bubba J's

Wednesday the 23rd of February 2011

Bubba J's Sports and Comedy Cafe
Corner of Finch & Reier Road, Atlasville

Join me on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?v=info&gid=91633385882
Join The Opening Monologue: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=303236570417&ref=ts

Line-up: Vittorio Leonardi (MC), Duncan Baynes and Magic Man.

Show Starts: 20:30
Entrance Fee: FREE!

Posted by vittorio at 8:30 PM | Comments (0)

February 25, 2011

Stand-up Comedy @ The Canterbury Country Restaurant

Friday the 25th of February 2011
Canterbury Country Restaurant
Off the R557 Vereeniging Road, 94 Main Road, Walkerville, Randvaal, Gauteng, South Africa.

Bookings: (+2711) 949 1343

Join me on Facebook:http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=91633385882
Check out The Opening Monologue at: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=303236570417

Line-up: Darren Maule (MC) Melt Sieberhagen, Vittorio Leonardi & Martin Davis.

Show Starts: 20:30

Posted by vittorio at 8:30 PM | Comments (0)

February 28, 2011

Open Mic Competition Semi Finals @ Bubba J's

Monday the 28th of February 2011
Bubba J's Sports and Comedy Cafe

Corner of Finch & Reier Road, Atlasville

Join me on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?v=info&gid=91633385882
Join The Opening Monologue: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=303236570417

Line-up: Vittorio Leonardi (MC), 1st Half: Semi finals of The Open Mic Competition. 2nd Half: Headliner

Show Starts: 20:30
Entrance Fee: FREE!!

Posted by vittorio at 8:30 PM | Comments (0)