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January 1, 2011

Stand-up Comedy @ Parker's Comedy & Jive

Saturday the 1st January 2011

Parker's Comedy & Jive
Shop 24 (Entrance 1)
Montecasino, Montecasino Boulevard, (Cnr William Nicol and Witkoppen Roads), Fourways, Sandton, Gauteng, South Africa.

Website: http://www.parkerscomedy.com/ and http://www.parkerleisure.co.za/
Bookings: (+2711) 511 0081

Join me on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=91633385882
Join The Opening Monologue: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=303236570417

Line-up: Joe Parker (MC), Ryan Whittal, Vittorio Leonardi & Magic Man.

Show Starts: 21:00
Entrance Fee: R120

Posted by vittorio at 9:00 PM | Comments (0)

January 4, 2011

Stand-up Comedy @ Cool Runnings, Victory Park

Tuesday the 4th of January 2011
Stand-up Comedy @ Cool Runnings, Victory Park

Cool Runnings, Victory Park
Shop 28, Victory Park Shopping Centre
Rustenburg Rd, Victory Park

Tel: +27 (11) 888 7633/4
Fax: +27 (11) 888 7628

Join me on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=91633385882&v=info
Join The Opening Monologue: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=303236570417&ref=ts

Line-up: Vittorio Leonardi (MC), David Kibuuka and Magic Man.

Show Starts: 20:45
Entrance Fee: R10

Posted by vittorio at 8:45 PM | Comments (0)

January 5, 2011

Improv Comedy @ Parker's Comedy & Jive

Wednesday the 5th of January 2011

Parker's Comedy & Jive
Shop 24 (Entrance 1)
Montecasino, Montecasino Boulevard, (C/o William Nicol and Witkoppen Roads), Fourways, Sandton, Gauteng, South Africa.

Website: http://www.parkerscomedy.com/ and http://www.parkerleisure.co.za/
Bookings: (+2711) 511 0081

BOOK AT COMPUTICKET:
http://www.computicket.com/web/event/parker_s_comedy_05_january/284417216

Join my Facebook group at: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=91633385882&v=info
Join The Opening Monologue at: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=303236570417

Line-up: Vittorio Leonardi (MC), Improv Express. And your headliner for the evening: Trevor Gumbi

Show Starts: 20:00
Entrance Fee: R70

Posted by vittorio at 8:00 PM | Comments (0)

January 7, 2011

Improv & Stand-up Comedy @ Cool Runnings, Victory Park

Friday the 7th of January 2011
Stand-up Comedy @ Cool Runnings, Victory Park

Cool Runnings, Victory Park
Shop 28, Victory Park Shopping Centre
Rustenburg Rd, Victory Park

Tel: +27 (11) 888 7633/4
Fax: +27 (11) 888 7628

Join me on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=91633385882&v=info
Join The Opening Monologue: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=303236570417&ref=ts

Line-up: Vittorio Leonardi (MC), 1st half: Chris Forrest, Warren Robertson and Shirley Kirchmann. 2nd half: Improv.

Show Starts: 20:00
Entrance Fee: R10

Posted by vittorio at 8:00 PM | Comments (0)

January 12, 2011

Improv Comedy @ Parker's Comedy & Jive

Wednesday the 12th of January 2011

Parker's Comedy & Jive
Shop 24 (Entrance 1)
Montecasino, Montecasino Boulevard, (C/o William Nicol and Witkoppen Roads), Fourways, Sandton, Gauteng, South Africa.

Website: http://www.parkerscomedy.com/ and http://www.parkerleisure.co.za/
Bookings: (+2711) 511 0081

BOOK AT COMPUTICKET:
http://www.computicket.com/web/event/parker_s_comedy_12_january/284417355

Join my Facebook group at: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=91633385882&v=info
Join The Opening Monologue at: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=303236570417

Line-up: Vittorio Leonardi (MC), Improv Express. And your headliner for the evening: Danny Fisher

Show Starts: 20:00
Entrance Fee: R70

Posted by vittorio at 8:00 PM | Comments (0)

January 16, 2011

Stand-up Comedy @ The Comedy Underground

Sunday the 16th of January 2011

Comedy Underground
Cool Runnings, 27 4th Ave, Melville. Johannesburg, Gauteng, South Africa.

Information: (+2711) 482 4786

Brought to you by Cool Runnings and Whacked Management.

URL: http://www.whacked.co.za/home.html

Email: taffia@whacked.co.za

Telephone: (+2711) 326 0021

Join me on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=91633385882
Join The Opening Monologue: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=303236570417

Line-up: John Vlismas (MC), Siyabonga Sesanti, Joe Redtree, Deep Fried Man, Martin Davis, Tol Ass Mo & Vittorio Leonardi.

Show Starts: 20:00
Entrance Fee: R20 with a valid Student card, otherwise R30

Posted by vittorio at 8:00 PM | Comments (0)

January 17, 2011

Stand-up Comedy @ Bubba J's

Monday the 17th of January 2011

Bubba J's Sports and Comedy Cafe
Corner of Finch & Reier Road, Atlasville

Join me on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?v=info&gid=91633385882
Join The Opening Monologue: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=303236570417&ref=ts

Line-up: Vittorio Leonardi (MC), Jay-Z Buddha, Mpho and David Stopforth.

Show Starts: 20:30
Entrance Fee: FREE!

Posted by vittorio at 8:30 PM | Comments (0)

January 18, 2011

The Opening Monologue - 18/01/2011

The Opening Monologue - Tuesday the 18th of January 2011
Written by Vittorio Leonardi.


Good evening.

Greetings and salutations! It's been too long. I hope the festive season was kind to you all. I certainly had no difficulty getting into the spirit of good cheer with all those great holiday movies on DStv. You know the ones I mean? Taken with Liam Neeson and Man On Fire with Denzel Washington. Films that carry a simple goodwill message: America - we can't win the war on terror but we will definitely wipe out those corrupt foreigners.

And as I gazed out over the information landscape, I took heart in the fact that crazy has no season and bad decisions have no Yuletide break. So, with that in mind I look back at the last two weeks and yell: "WTF?!!"


The US Navy is in an uproar. Apparently some of their sailors, including one that is now a captain, filmed some very naughty, not nice video footage that got leaked... so to speak. Excerpts show female sailors pretending to wash one another in a shower on the carrier and in other scenes "sailors parade in drag, use anti-gay slurs, and simulate masturbation and a rectal exam." I know what you're thinking, "There are girls in the Navy?"

This completely flies in the face of all things Navy. For as they say on the high seas, "Any port in a storm!"

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/4/4c/Much_tattooed_sailor_aboard_the_USS_New_Jersey_1944.gif


Small towns have many things going for them including the collapse of the American family, gays getting and serial killers visiting every *insert holiday slaying here*. So in order to keep from going batty, small town Lake Superior State University is keeping alive it's tradition of releasing its annual list of overused words.

Damn, their students must be so bored.

Remember when the CIA just used to use these places as training/testing grounds? Ah, the good old days.

The top three words on this year's list are:

1. Viral.

2. Epic.

3. Fail.

When used in a sentence: "If Jacob Zuma went viral, that would be an epic fail for his wives."


The British continue to prove that they have nothing happening in their country with the headline: "Could the days of the British 'pint' be numbered?" It seems that in order to save money, a new booze measurement, "The Schooner" - two-thirds the size of a pint - will soon be available to binge drinkers everywhere.

Elsewhere in the world, starving people in Somalia responded by dying a bit more and hijacking a few more cargo ships.


Not to be outdone, the state of Massachusetts seems poised to pass a law that makes it illegal for you to say no if some crotchety old git dies and leaves you an equally crotchety old animal to care for. Under the law, if someone leaves you a pet in their will with funds for the care of said pet, you can be held liable if you fail to follow the dead prat's wishes.

So, just for a laugh, find someone you despise and leave them a horny Grizzly bear in your will.

http://www.thisblogrules.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/02/bear-and-man.jpg


In retaliation, the Fenland District Council, UK, wants to pass legislation that says it's okay to have an office romance as long as you declare it in writing.

What's next? Video evidence? Eeeeu. Not everyone was born to filmed man! Think of the emotional scarring.

http://cockornot.co.uk/images/upload/chavs.jpg


In a profound step forward, Pennsylvania State Police will now differentiate between ticketing those that swear at bad drivers and those that swear at the cops. Apparently now you can swear at anyone in the traffic, as long as they're not a pig.

Oops!

Aaaah, f***! Sorry, constable Piglet. Ah dammit... I did it again. Do you smell bacon? Ah s***!


An African Penguin at a German zoo showed just how far Al-Qaeda brainwashing had advanced when the suicidal fella used wintry weather to take a stroll around the zoo. It ended its trip in the Lion's Den but since these ones seem as useless as the rugby team, the blighter didn't get eaten.

Zoo officials couldn't readily confirm if the African penguin was visiting the lions to chat to a species of its home continent or was simply exhibiting suicidal tendencies.


Mississippi's Governor has released two sisters - serving life for an $11 armed robbery - on condition that the able bodied sister donates a kidney to her sickly sibling. Thus bringing inbreeding to a whole new level.

Just one extra point. The two sisters robbed two guys at gunpoint in 1993. The lads were driving the ladies to a nightclub. No prior convictions so naturally the state slapped them with two life sentences. Overkill much?

Who the hell were these guys? The only Mississippi men with forking family trees?

http://nanookofthesouth.files.wordpress.com/2010/04/redneck-brothers.jpg

Never mind.


The German police have told a circus employee that it's okay if he takes his tiger for a walk as long as he notifies them first.

Wait... What?

Someone call Goosey Fernandes, I think we just found him a playmate.


Who knew that when the end came they'd start with Buddhist smokers. In Buddhist Bhutan, where smoking is seen as bad for your Karma and is thus banned, officials from the Bhutan Narcotic Control Agency have just been granted the right to search your home for illegal cigarettes. They're even training sniffer dogs for the task.

Those that think our anti-smoking laws are draconian should think again:

1. You're allowed 200 imported cigarettes a month.

2. You must have the customs receipt with you at all times in case a cop wants to see it.

3. You can face five years in jail if found in possession of illegal cigarettes.

Bhutan's prime minister said the law cannot be called draconian and it was passed in the "collective wisdom" of the members of parliament.

"It is cancerous, both in the literal and the metaphoric sense, cancerous to society and to individual and in many ways it is no different from psychotropic drugs, for which the penalty in certain countries is death," Prime Minister Jigmi Y. Thinley said.

Tell you what, when he gets a real name, I'll give him the benefit of the doubt.


This is Heidi.

http://static.guim.co.uk/sys-images/Guardian/Pix/pictures/2011/1/13/1294948642856/Heidi-the-cross-eyed-opos-007.jpg

She's a cross-eyed possum currently residing at the Leipzig zoo.

Her Facebook group has 80 000 fans.

She has a YouTube song dedicated to her.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G2GSNpQU5pc

I think I finally have the answer.

This is why aliens don't visit us out in the open.

It's because they're too embarrassed to be seen publicly with such a monumentally moronic race; a race that will rave about a cross-eyed possum and not give a shit about their fellow man.

And who's fault is it this time? Those whacky Germans! A group known for its sense of humour. Clearly, it's time they lost another war.


Staying in Deutschland, two German burglars were arrested after they called in their own crime. It seems they got trapped in an elevator after they broke into a building. They were freed by fire-fighters and promptly arrested. Why not just shoot them? Clearly they're not any good at their chosen profession.


American is still learning the lesson that SA knows all too well. Never leave your car idling. Two men helped themselves to a new $94 000 BMW 750i xDrive Sedan that was just asking to be rescued outside the Westin Book Cadillac Hotel. It begged for them to free it from ferrying the pampered asses of guests and executives attending the Detroit motor show.

They happily obliged. The two men and the car are still missing.

Has anyone checked if the thieves were South African?

Clearly we need to make a South African sequel to Gone In 60 Seconds.

We'll call it GONE... FOREVER.


Scientists may have discovered the answer to the deaths of hundreds of birds worldwide. Across the globe, masses of birds have been found dead sparking fears of another bird flu outbreak. The answer was far simpler.

Alcohol poisoning.

http://www.andenkengallery.com/images/drunk_bird_m.jpg

The birds, hard-up for food in the winter months, ate grapes that fermented in their gizzards causing such fun in-flight executions as flying into trees, powerlines, homes and planes.

There was also an earlier theory about the birds committing suicide after the unexplained fame of a cross-eyed possum, but that theory has been dismissed.


The Canadians have decided to censor Dire Straits' "Money For Nothing" 25 years after the Grammy-Award winning song was released.

The reason: the song uses the word "faggot" in a "sarcastic" way.

This comes on the heels of an uproar sparked when an US scholar published Mark Twain's Huckleberry Finn with the word "nigger" removed to make it less offensive to some readers.

Elsewhere in the world starved Somalis continued to drop like flies and decided to hijack Canadian shipping.


Kuala Lumpur and a Malaysian man has dumped his wife because a medium told him she was demon-possessed and casting spells on him. She'd apparently been doing it for the past 15 years. Clearly not a Hogwarts alumni.

Malaysians have a history of relying on faith healers and other purveyors of the bullcrap to get advice on things most people just handle on their own. And they often get taken for a ride. Recently it's gotten so bad that the government is planning on passing laws requiring mumbo-jumbo merchants to register with the authorities.

In an unrelated story, John Edwards has cancelled his Malaysian tour.


Los Angeles and the city of angels has moved one step closer to the abyss after inventing an iPhone controlled fridge that launches beer at him.

Meet Ryan Rusnak - http://newsliteimgs.s3.amazonaws.com/110113_beer2.jpg

The theory is that the invention stops you having to walk to the fridge to get a beer.

Because, God forbid, the morbidly obese manatee of America suffer a cardiac arrest from traversing the mammoth ten feet to the refrigerator.

If Al-Qaeda has any brains, they'll start creating explosive beer cans. They could vaporize half the heartland on Superbowl Sunday alone.


And finally... I'm not a huge fan of hunting. I reckon if you want to go traipsing after a kudu it's only fair that the animal wears Kevlar or, at least has a rifle of its own. But something happened in Belarus, Moscow recently that should give you weekend bushwhackers some pause.

A man was shot and wounded by a fox he'd just shot.

http://www.reuters.com/resources/r/?m=02&d=20110113&t=2&i=304930914&w=460&fh=&fw=&ll=&pl=&r=2011-01-13T195013Z_01_BTRE70C1J3R00_RTROPTP_0_BELARUS

It seems he came over to finish the animal with his rifle butt, the animal resisted, they fought - I'm not kidding - and then the fox pulled the trigger, blasting the would-be woodsman before making its escape.

Proving the old adage that "In Soviet Russia, the fox hunts you."

http://fc09.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2010/050/6/3/Leon_Volkov_by_Russian_Fox.jpg


This concludes this week's edition of The Opening Monologue. See you next week and remember, you haven't heard it all till you've heard The Last Say On Sunday.

Goodbye.

Posted by vittorio at 11:43 PM | Comments (0)

January 20, 2011

Stand-up Comedy @ Parker's Comedy & Jive

Thursday the 20th January 2011

Parker's Comedy & Jive
Shop 24 (Entrance 1)
Montecasino, Montecasino Boulevard, (Cnr William Nicol and Witkoppen Roads), Fourways, Sandton, Gauteng, South Africa.

Website: http://www.parkerscomedy.com/ and http://www.parkerleisure.co.za/
Bookings: (+2711) 511 0081

BOOK AT COMPUTICKET:
http://www.computicket.com/web/event/parker_s_comedy_20_january/284417517

Join me on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=91633385882
Join The Opening Monologue: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=303236570417

Line-up: Joe Parker (MC), Vittorio Leonardi, Brothers Streep and Mark Banks.

Show Starts: 20:00
Entrance Fee: R90

Posted by vittorio at 8:00 PM | Comments (0)

January 21, 2011

Stand-up Comedy @ Parker's Comedy & Jive

Friday the 21st January 2011

Parker's Comedy & Jive
Shop 24 (Entrance 1)
Montecasino, Montecasino Boulevard, (Cnr William Nicol and Witkoppen Roads), Fourways, Sandton, Gauteng, South Africa.

Website: http://www.parkerscomedy.com/ and http://www.parkerleisure.co.za/
Bookings: (+2711) 511 0081

BOOK AT COMPUTICKET:
http://www.computicket.com/web/event/parker_s_comedy_21_january/284417688

Join me on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=91633385882
Join The Opening Monologue: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=303236570417

Line-up: Joe Parker (MC), Vittorio Leonardi, Brothers Streep and Mark Banks.

Show Starts: 20:00
Entrance Fee: R120

Posted by vittorio at 8:00 PM | Comments (0)

January 24, 2011

Stand-up Comedy @ Wish!

Monday the 24th of January 2011
Wish

Corner of 2nd Avenue and 7th Street, Melville

Join me on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?v=info&gid=91633385882

Join The Opening Monologue: http://www.facebook.com/?ref=home#!/group.php?gid=303236570417&ref=ts

Brought to you by Kandicru Komedy Knights

Line-up: Vittorio Leonardi, remaining line-up to be confirmed...

Show Starts: 20:00
Entrance Fee: FREE!!

Posted by vittorio at 8:00 PM | Comments (0)

January 26, 2011

Stand-up Comedy @ Tings an' Times

Wednesday the 26th of January 2011
Tings an' Times

1065 Arcadia Street, Hatfield, Pretoria, Gauteng, South Africa.

Join me on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=91633385882
Join The Opening Monologue: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=303236570417&ref=ts

Line-up: Chris Forrest, Martin Davis and Vittorio Leonardi.

Doors Open: 19:00

Show Starts: 20:30
Entrance Fee: R30

Posted by vittorio at 8:30 PM | Comments (0)

January 28, 2011

Stand-up Comedy @ The Supersport Bar, Carnival City

Friday the 28th of January, 2011
The Supersport Action Bar

Carnival City, Cnr Century and Elsburg Road, Brakpan, Johannesburg, Gauteng, South Africa, 1540.

Carnival City URL: http://www.suninternational.com/Destinations/Casinos/CarnivalCity/Pages/default.aspx
Telephone: (+27 11) 898 7000
Facsimile: (+27 11) 898 7024

Join me on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=91633385882
Join The Opening Monologue: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=303236570417&ref=ts

Line-up: UK Comic Martin Davis (MC), Vittorio Leonardi, Martin Evans & Trevor Gumbi

Show Starts: 21:00
Entrance Fee: R50 and includes entrance to the dance show at 20:00

Posted by vittorio at 9:00 PM | Comments (0)

January 29, 2011

Stand-up Comedy @ The Supersport Bar, Carnival City

Saturday the 29th of January 2011
The Supersport Action Bar

Carnival City, Cnr Century and Elsburg Road, Brakpan, Johannesburg, Gauteng, South Africa, 1540.

Carnival City URL: http://www.suninternational.com/Destinations/Casinos/CarnivalCity/Pages/default.aspx
Telephone: (+27 11) 898 7000
Facsimile: (+27 11) 898 7024

Join me on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=91633385882
Join The Opening Monologue: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=303236570417&ref=ts

Line-up: UK Comic Martin Davis (MC), Vittorio Leonardi, Martin Evans & Trevor Gumbi.

Show Starts: 21:00
Entrance Fee: R50 and includes entrance to the dance show at 20:00

Posted by vittorio at 9:00 PM | Comments (0)

January 31, 2011

The Opening Monologue - 31/01/2011

The Opening Monologue - Monday the 31st of January 2011
Written by Vittorio Leonardi.



Good evening.

Well, it has been a special two weeks filled with grave robbers, ash stealers, book haters and all around dim people looking for a great time.

It's just another fine day in the neighbourhood for the inhabitants of the 3rd rock from the sun. Now one might wonder why society would ever tolerate such silliness. Why are THEY allowed to exist, breed, and so on? Look at it this way: as long as they're occupied doing that, they can't work at Home Affairs.

To prove my point, here's a chronicle of what they're capable of.


A Chinese university has banned the photocopying of any material that could be seen as subversive or expressing hate against the party, social politics or the state. Books that could be banned include:

• A Brave New World - Aldous Huxley

• 1984 - George Orwell

• The Bible/Quran/Torah/Tanakh

• How To Dodge A Tank - Tank-Track Ted

Definitely on the list is George Orwell's Animal Farm... for no particular reason.


A Cypriot Monk was detained at an Athens airport after it was discovered he had the skeletal remains of a nun in his suitcase.

"But she's a saint!" said the bone collector.

"We're not worried about her, we're worried about you sick boy!" said airport security.

When asked for comment, a church official stated, "Well, when he said he was boning some chick, I guess we should've asked for clarification... or at least profile pic."

Not to be outdone, a Buddhist Monk could be sentenced to five years in jail for smoking illegal cigarettes.

In a past monologue I mentioned the draconian measures being taken by the government of Bhutan to curb smoking. Bhutan wants to be the world's first smoke-free nation. However, the cunning entrepreneurial skills of Indian Black marketeers have poo-pooed that idea.

http://4.hidemyass.com/ip-1/encoded/Oi8vY2h6aGlzdG9yaWNsb2xzLmZpbGVzLndvcmRwcmVzcy5jb20vMjAxMS8wMS9mdW5ueS1waWN0dXJlcy1oaXN0b3J5LWJ1eS1vdXItY2lnYXJldHRlcy5qcGc%3D

And the guy got his illegal cigarettes from a town 170kms away. Dude... how badly did you need a fix?

http://demotivatorsblog.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/05/smoking-demotivational-poster.jpg

At least in jail he'll be able to get a smoke... on a pork sword. It could be worse. He could be a Russian rabbit.

http://verydemotivational.files.wordpress.com/2010/04/129153061553252009.jpg


Iran has continued its bid to be the most depressed nation on earth by banning all production of Valentine's Day products. Islamic hardliners have argued that to celebrate this Western holiday would be to invite the corruptive influence of Western values.

Then some nationalists said, "K, fine." And suggested replacing Valentine's Day with "Mehregan," an Iranian festival celebrated since the pre-Islamic era encompassing friendship, affection or love. Ah, yes, Valentine's Day with a different name. The hardliners said nothing further because there was nothing to yell and shake their fists at.

http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_jYbPNtJndg8/S98m1G2RCfI/AAAAAAAADvQ/uIrm_-8oxWw/s1600/posterRageBoy1.jpg

http://thepeoplescube.com/images/Fist_IslamicRageBoy.jpg


So, the cops in Silver Springs Shore, Florida, arrest some teens for burglary. After they interrogate them, they get a lead on another case. Cool, huh? They finally know what happened to some guys ashes.

It seems the lads broke into the deceased man's house and made off with, among other things, his and his two Great Dane's ashes. Here's the crypt kicker. They thought the ashes were cocaine or heroin.

Yes, the ashes were in an urn. No, that didn't stop them doing a line. Realising the spiritual implications of what they'd done, they talked about returning the urn.

http://images2.memegenerator.net/ImageMacro/3930329/have-a-nice-day-cause-youre-going-to-hell.jpg?imageSize=Medium&generatorName=Cool-Jesus

They decided, "Nah, our fingerprints might be on the urn. Let's toss it"

So they dumped it in a lake. So, no one had a rag or tissues to wipe down the urn? No one thought of that? It would've been nice... y'know... since you just DROWNED HIS REMAINS!

http://www.flickr.com/photos/discoweasel/1425453347/sizes/z/in/photostream/

In a well-placed but doomed act of restitution, police divers are now searching the water for the ashes. Just look for the patch of sand with "WTF?!" written on it.

The dog's ashes must be pissed. All that water and no playing fetch.

Russian authorities confiscated three tonnes of mammoth tusks... Wait, what? Yup. A gang of Russians was trying to smuggle mammoth tusks out of the country to parts unknown. You know there's a shortage when poachers start jacking ice, snow, archaeological digs and museums for their wares.

Who the hell buys a Mammoth tusk? Is a regular elephant tusk just not good enough? Methinks someone's compensating for something.

http://img.chan4chan.com/img/2009-10-05/1254739252160.jpg


You know how, sometimes you have cash on hand and you decide, that right now would be a great idea to buy something special? Well, some people need a little impulse control.

See this car?

http://www.autoguide.com/auto-news/wp-content/uploads//2011/01/1963-Pontiac-Ambulance.jpg

It's just been bought at auction for $120 000. Why? What the hell kind of a selling point is "Well it used to be a US Navy ambulance. Still runs. And look at the boot space! You could fit two corpses in there with room for the wife and kids."

So why is it so special? Because it was an ambulance for this guy:

http://www.joelventresca.com/pics/jfk.jpg

http://www.tmcarphoto.com/jfkcatfull.jpg

An ambulance used to transport this guy after his own advisers killed him. Allow me to make this plea to the good people of the US: Having the cash doesn't mean you should use it. In fact, in this case, it is more than a little creepy. You're not going to find a box of Magic Bullet Ammunition. They left that in Lyndon B., Johnson's car.

Some things shouldn't be sold. Sorry America. They just shouldn't be.

http://www.zgeek.com/forum/gallery/files/9/4/1/8/america-fuck-yeah.jpg


An Argentine woman that was in hospital after a failed suicide attempt was thrilled to find her room unattended and a window wide open. She quietly thanked hospital authorities for their rampant lack of foresight and then hurled out of the window.

But lo, God wasn't having it. She fell 23 stories and survived! A taxi cab broke her fall.

http://i.usatoday.net/communitymanager/_photos/on-deadline/2011/01/24/Buenos%20Airesx-wide-community.jpg

The trip cost her $3,00 cab fare and $50 000 for a new cab. Now take this as a hint lady. You survived that fall. Now go give birth to a messiah or something.


Adolf Hitler's last bodyguard has stated that at 93, his arthritis doesn't permit him to answer fan mail any more. Yup, this guy, till recently, would answer requests for autographs by sending fans an autographed picture of him in his SS uniform.

I think we're missing the point here.

He sucked as a bodyguard! Hitler went shambling right passed him, smelling of petrol and carrying a pistol.

When Adolf said, "Eva and I need some alone time."

He replied, "Okay boss. Everything looks to be a-okay in there."

Epic fail bodyguard boy.

http://www.epicfail.net/wp-content/gallery/fail-gallery/hitler_epicfail_0.jpg

Or did he? Dun! Dun!! Duuuuun!!!


Creativity is a wonderful thing. When it's combined with a degree of inspiration, you get something truly brilliant. A group of drug smugglers decided that to best transport their weed across the border, all they needed to do was avoid the patrols. They decided that they'd use this.

http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2011/01/27/article-1351062-0CEF7750000005DC-785_634x506.jpg

A catapult - A hand-welded, trailer-mounted, weed-hurling catapult! Genius. Okay so they got caught. Okay, it means that the $35 000 of weed will now be distributed by the D.E.A. and local law enforcement. But still, these soon-to-be-convicted men can hold their heads high for they can tell the tale.

A tale about how, one time, they tried to use a siege engine to bring joy to a joyless nation.

Gentlemen, we salute you!
http://c1.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/images01/108/l_c2d4c212735fb8134fe4856d31e37ef4.jpg


Former Miss Canada finalist Mary-Lou Zahalan-Kennedy (her name must be some kind of record breaker in Scrabble) has just become the first person in the world to graduate with a Masters Degree in Beatles Studies.

Not these ones: http://uppitywoman08.files.wordpress.com/2010/09/beetle4.jpg

Nor these ones: http://surfingart.com.au/images/vwphotos/long-vw-beetle-line.jpg

These ones: http://www.thekidswindow.co.uk/images/CMScontent/Image/beatles.gif

So now, with her new Masters Degree, she can look forward to a long and illustrious career at Look & Listen. Her folks must be so proud.

http://resources3.news.com.au/images/2011/01/27/1225995/222419-beatles-scholar-mary-lu-zahalan-kennedy.jpg


75-year old Joy Cassidy has learned a valuable lesson: never underestimate how hungry the Boise, Idaho Police are for some action. It seems that after several arguments with staff and patrons of the local library, joy had taken to dumping condiments into the drive-up drop box. And she was merciless too: corn and maple syrup, mayonnaise and ketchup all found their way into the shoot causing $1000 in damages.

So the library set up a surveillance system.

Remember, I said they the cops were hungry for action?

They decided set up a stakeout operation of the crime scene. I bet they scared the dentures off that old bat, swinging in with SWAT Teams and fire support.

Joy has since been sentenced to one month in jail and is not allowed to have contact with any Boise-area libraries for two years! That'll teach that evil woman.

http://img.metro.co.uk/i/pix/2010/06/15/article-1276596591308-0A096C8B000005DC-372513_636x584.jpg

Wow... you guys are really bored.


And Finally... Earlier I told the tale of the twits that pilfered a man's ashes during a burglary. Well, it seems that the Italians are going to show the Americans how it's done.

Meet Mike Bongiorno.

http://piggei.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2009/09/mike_bongiorno.jpg

Mike died in September 2009 at age 85. He was Italy's top quiz show host for more than 50 years, he was there for the first Italian TV broadcast in the 1950's and helped Silvio Berlusconi launch commercial television in the 1970's.

Two years after he was buried, a fan came to pay their respects and found that someone had decided to take Mike for a walk.

http://www.ilmfruits.com/wp-content/uploads/empty-grave.jpg

They had a rather subdued reaction and called the police.

http://media.funlol.com/content/img/hory-shet.jpg

According to the police, there have been no ransom demands. Now before you start... ah, screw it. Ransom demands?! Pay up or we'll kill him again? There. I'm fine now.

It seems this isn't the first time a famous corpse has been snatched for fun and profit. But those douches were caught soon afterwards.

Is this what we've come to?

http://cache3.asset-cache.net/xc/83337420.jpg?v=1&c=IWSAsset&k=2&d=77BFBA49EF8789215ABF3343C02EA5481A0F60E7074E3B64123429AEE9D05C1B225A76090EF1BECBE30A760B0D811297

I think it's time we employ a little dark power. Perhaps something like the Tales from The Crypt approach. That way, when they come for your corpse, someone will have your back.

Say hello to my little friend!!

http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_xLy3LSm14l8/TM2rXfg5TnI/AAAAAAAAEAg/Dk3deYry9Wg/s1600/vlcsnap-2010-10-31-10h24m59s209.png


This concludes this week's edition of The Opening Monologue. See you next week and remember, you haven't heard it all till you've heard The Last Say On Sunday.

Goodbye.

Posted by vittorio at 8:34 PM | Comments (0)