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December 1, 2010

The Opening Monologue - 01/12/2010

The Opening Monologue - Wednesday the 1st of December 2010
Written by Vittorio Leonardi.


Good evening.

As we depart for the land of the lost one more time, I want to say the following. This is for all the new people. You're going to meet a whole bunch of strange people. Some of them you may not like. Some of them you won't respect while others, you might just flat out despise. Above all else, DO NOT LET THEM TOUCH YOU ON YOUR STUDIO! The results are irreversible and we'll have to leave you in the badlands. Remember that your family tree forks and that your DNA is complete and you will come back sane.

Entering The Opening Monologue in 3...2...1... GO! GO! GO!


A German pensioner has learned a valuable lesson about home improvement in the Zombie Apocalypse: When building a wall, remember what side you should be standing on. It seems the man bricked himself up in his cellar and only realised it after the job was done.

Then he managed to outdo himself:

Rather than smash down his fine work, he drilled through his neighbour's wall to freedom. And the cops were waiting for him. Apparently hearing the sound of a drill eating through their wall alarmed them... So nervous, these Germans.


Elsewhere in Germany, cries of "Your cash or your boobies, lady!!" can be heard. Another life lesson has just been learned: if you get your boyfriend to finance your boob job,

http://www.lwgatz.com/v/vspfiles/assets/images/big%20breast%20implant%20image.jpg
http://www.breast-surgery411.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/10/silicone-breast-implants-4.jpg

Don't dump him before the contract says you can. It seems that all Anastasia had to do was stay with Carstens for a year and she'd be out of there scot-free and in the clear. But nooooooooooo. She dumped him just after the surgery. Now he's threatening to call the repo men. I've seen this horror film before, it was called Hostel. Or was it?

http://farm5.static.flickr.com/4049/4389848259_e7c3b9f361.jpg


There's a reason why we don't elect beauty queens to a political office.

http://www.thebuzzmedia.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/08/miss_south_carolina.jpg

And here's another reason. Venezuela's former Miss Universe, Alicia Machado, had to shut down her Twitter account after she was found barking the world peace song up the wrong tree. In reaction to North Korea's artillery attack on South Korea, she tweeted this gem:

"Tonight I want to ask you to join me in a prayer for peace, that these attacks between the Chinas do not make our situation worse."

I believe the principal in Billy Madison said it best:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5hfYJsQAhl0


It seems that Warner Brothers, smelling the death of their cash cow - The Harry Potter Saga - have decided to trademark all things Harry. This has caused them to make a foray into the sex toy market.

1. A set of life-like Harry Hands with "magic wand action" will soon be on sale under the name The Beater. The Special Edition release comes with a Phoenix Feather Wand with Patronus Charm action.

2. Hermione Granger life-like naughty bits - called The Golden Snitch - will have many a fapping bookworm going cross-eyed.

3. The Weasley Whammer equipped with Blue Ball Bludgers goes really well with Hermione's Golden Snitch. It promises: "A Party in Every Packet!"

4. An old favourite is the Nimbus 3000 Vibrating Broom... for obvious reasons.

5. Also available are Bertie Bott's Every Flavour condoms. They offer excellent defence against the dark tarts. But beware the Brown Eye Special flavour.


"There's a flag on your pee-pee dear boy! And it's just wrong!!"

That is the sentiment of most Singaporeans at their water polo teams' swimming trunks.

http://beta.images.theglobeandmail.com/archive/01033/-ASIAD-2010-SIN_1033646artw.jpg

Critics - i.e. the population of Singapore - have complained loudly that the image of the flag on the crotch is disgusting and disrespectful.

I fail to see the problem. The guys are wearing a banana hammock. You guys just happen to have a flag that looks like a banana.

Ain't coincidence grand?


Russia's Trust Bank has just gotten a new spokesperson. Bruce Willis. The Die Hard action star is now appearing all over Moscow with the slogan "Trust is like me, but a bank."

So Trust Bank also has an ex wife made of 30% silicone with Kelso for a boyfriend?

Wow! Now that's a coincidence.


A study has found that parent's pressuring their kids to eat certain things can lead to the child being a fussy eater.

Fortunately, there is a solution.

http://500motivators.com/plog-content/thumbs/motivate/me/large/53-silence-silence-is-golden-duct-tape-is-silver.jpg

And for those difficult cases...

http://www.motifake.com/peace-and-quiet-duct-tape-nagging-wives-demotivational-poster-99450.html


*Sigh*

It seems that some twits still don't realise that when you speak your mind on Facebook/Twitter... ANYONE CAN READ IT AND COMMENT ON IT!!

The Bishop of Willesden in Northwest London thought it would be perfectly fine to post his thoughts on Prince Williams's engagement with Kate Middleton on Facebook:

"I don't care about the Royals," there were "more broken marriages and philanderers among these people than not. They cost us an arm and a leg. As with most shallow celebrities they will be set up to fail by the gutter press... I give the marriage seven years." he added.

Wow... So when you posted this... You weren't thinking... Were you?

I'm sure it'll be fine... He did apologize after all. Apologising is a good thing. And as you and I both know, saying sorry always fixes everything... Right?

http://images.icanhascheezburger.com/completestore/2008/12/25/128747151643651347.jpg


A Mexican seems to have sampled a little too much of his own supply. In his drunken stupor, he has created the world's most expensive bottle of Tequila. Named "The Diamond Sterling" the bottle is cast in pure platinum and encrusted with 4000 hand-set diamonds, it is hoped that the bottle will fetch $3.5 million at auction.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ViY3aDWGkrY

Well, to be honest it's just a really expensive bottle that happens to have Tequila in it. At this point, you could put Oros in it and it wouldn't matter. And I would you know. Just to see Donald Trump poop his wig.

Yes, I said poop his wig! That's how freaked out he'd be!


And finally... this next story could have been such an ironic tale... but we can't have everything. UK Turkey Tycoon Bernard Matthews - the man that gave Britain the Turkey Twizzler - has died... on Thanksgiving Day.

This has raised two important questions:

1. Was it an Al-Qaeda plot to kill two birds with one stone?

2. Was it possible that the tycoon faked his own death in order to avoid genocide charges about to be laid against him by the families of his dead stock?

We may never know. But some say, late at night one can hear the haunting calls of his victims on the wind.

Gobble, gobble this mofo!!

http://gizmoave.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/11/turkey-lego-gun.png


This concludes this week's edition of The Opening Monologue. See you next week and remember, you haven't heard it all till you've heard The Last Say On Sunday.

Goodbye.

Posted by vittorio at 6:24 PM | Comments (0)

Improv Comedy @ Parker's Comedy & Jive

Wednesday the 1st of December 2010

Parker's Comedy & Jive
Shop 24 (Entrance 1)
Montecasino, Montecasino Boulevard, (C/o William Nicol and Witkoppen Roads), Fourways, Sandton, Gauteng, South Africa.

Website: http://www.parkerscomedy.com/ and http://www.parkerleisure.co.za/
Bookings: (+2711) 511 0081

BOOK AT COMPUTICKET: http://www.computicket.com/web/event/parker_s_comedy_24_november/247037108

Join my Facebook group at: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=91633385882&v=info
Join The Opening Monologue at: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=303236570417

Line-up: Darren Maule (MC), Improv Express. And your headliner for the evening: UK Comic Simon Fox

Show Starts: 21:00
Entrance Fee: R70

Posted by vittorio at 9:00 PM | Comments (0)

December 2, 2010

Stand-up Comedy @ Mojito's

Thursday the 2nd of December 2010
Mojito's

Pick n Pay Centre, Terrace Road, Edenvale

Come join us for an evening of Stand-up Comedy brought to you by Mojito's and Nomad Comedy.

http://www.nomadcomedy.co.za/

Join me on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?v=info&gid=91633385882
Join The Opening Monologue: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=303236570417&ref=ts

Line-up: Vittorio Leonardi and The Godfather of SA Stand-up Comedy - Mel Miller.

Show Starts: 20:30
Entrance Fee: R30

Posted by vittorio at 8:30 PM | Comments (0)

December 4, 2010

Rock Celebrations @ Tings an' Times 15th Birthday Carnival

Saturday the 4th of December 2010

Tings an' Times
1065 Arcadia Street, Hatfield, Pretoria, Gauteng, South Africa.

Website: http://www.tings.co.za/

That's right, Tings an' Times is celebrating its 15th birthday with a roaring line-up of banging bands to rock in another year of feelin' irie!

Join me on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?v=info&gid=91633385882
Join The Opening Monologue: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=303236570417&ref=ts

Line-up: Vittorio Leonardi (MC)

17h00- Scicoustic
18h30- Tidal Waves
20h00- Yesterdays Pupil
21h30- Kidofdoom
23h00- Boo!
24h00- Djs Moejoe and Doctor Khumalo

It's gonna rock so come on down and help wish Tings a very happy birthday!

Doors open at 15:00. Show Starts at 17:00
Entrance Fee: R80 or R60 before 16:00.

Posted by vittorio at 5:00 PM | Comments (0)

December 7, 2010

The Opening Monologue - 07/12/2010

The Opening Monologue - Tuesday the 7th of December 2010
Written by Vittorio Leonardi.


Good evening.

After a year of writing these chronicles of insanity, I have come to one irrefutable conclusion: the Germans are the strangest people on Earth. As I've done the research for the various tales I spin, I have found, with monotonous regularity, that at least twice a week, there are stories of odd German activity. It would seem, at least to me, that the last war took all the rage out of the German people. That rage seems to have been replaced with a kind of oddly playful insanity. As to the rest of the world, you have some serious catching up to do.

It is with this in mind that we lead off with a non-jerry nutter.


Oh how the WikiLeaks just a keep on dripping out. In the latest revelation, it seems that Libya's own prized, uniform-designing- megalomaniacal ass-hat Muammar Gaddafi nearly caused an international incident when he threw a hissy fit. Meet Mo.

http://focusuk.files.wordpress.com/2010/02/gaddafi.jpg

The problem was said hissy fit involved nuclear fuel - the kind Iran claims they don't have. He refused to hand over materials designated to be destroyed in accordance with a disarming treaty that HE HAD ALREADY SIGNED! So, a veritable smorgasbord of terrorist boomdiyadah waited in a hanger in Libya for a month till Hillary Clinton stroked Mo's ego enough to have him release the bang-boom gear for disposal.

And why did Mo throw a tantrum? He felt insulted when the UN wouldn't let him pitch his Bedouin tent in New York. The State Department claimed they were only considering Mo's safety. They didn't want him erecting his tent lest he be bombed by US Nintendo. Well at least he stopped crying.

http://www.toonpool.com/user/338/files/gaddafi_569015.jpg


Meanwhile, Lee Harvey Oswald's coffin is up for auction.

http://www.reuters.com/article/slideshow/idUSTRE6B043620101201#a=1

Yup, the alleged assassin of JFK's coffin is being auctioned off. Who buys that? And what do you put it next to? I guess if you're ex-CIA you could put it with the real rifle and the withheld files on the assassination. Oh, and you could bury it all with the corpse of the real assassin. You know, for nostalgia's sake. Everything in its right place.

And where is Oswald? He's in his own coffin. It seems the family had him exhumed in the 80's to prove Oswald - and not a double - had really been buried. Here's the kicker, the funeral home put him in a new coffin - like he gives a damn - and reburied him. They kept the other coffin. For a rainy burial day, I guess. Eeew, you sick, capitalist bastards! This is why Al-Qaeda hates you.


A French fast food chain has decided it will continue the fine French tradition of poo-pooing animal rights by offering a foie gras burger at a cheap price for a limited time. I'm guessing, till they run out of stock or the ducks learn to fight back.

For those of you that don't know, foie gras is duck or goose liver pate. You get it by force-feeding corn-mash to said bird and then giving it the axe.

Quick Burger has defended this move saying that it's a French tradition to eat the liver of those you can actually defeat in battle. Their other great culinary victories against the animal kingdom include frog's legs and snails - both of which can't run away and so might actually lose in a fight against the armies of the Cheese-Eating-Surrender-Monkeys.


Speaking of animals for our own amusement, the Japanese have found a novel use for an electric eel. And just for once it doesn't involve sex or dinner. The Kamakura Aquarium in the south of Tokyo is using said eel to power their Christmas tree.

http://www.reuters.com/news/video/story?videoId=165395363&videoChannel=4

But wait, there's more. They're also using the kinetic energy of patrons to power a live-size Santa. Essentially, visitors stamp on a pad and Santa boogies on down. Santa powered by Dance Dance Revolution? An eel power the yuletide tree? The future is going to be awesome!


The city of Kabul has finally decided that having a city choked with the smell of crap and smog is a bad thing. YAY!!

http://imagemacros.files.wordpress.com/2009/07/you_win_prize_downs.jpg

so they've decided to give everyone Thursday off for the next three months. Cool.

The upside: This will help lower emissions from cars, buses and other vehicles brought through by the joy of occupation by a foreign capitalist power.

The downside: it's hard to party down when you're on vacation and the rest of the world isn't. But it's fun to taunt them with pictures.

http://img250.imageshack.us/img250/2729/319446560yw.jpg

C'mon, it's Afghanistan, it's not like they don't have any... that the soldiers haven't smoked yet. Wait, I think we may have discovered the source of the smog! Eureka!!


It's one thing to bitch when a traffic jam stops you getting to work on time. It's another thing all together when you decide to avert said jam. A New York green grocer jumped off the platform onto the subway tracks to save a man about to be crushed by an oncoming train. He said if he hadn't done it, he would've been late for work.

"I was thinking, if he gets hit I can't go to work. It's Sunday. I can't miss out. It's a time-and-a-half day."

Damn, business must be good. I mean look at those melons.

http://images.cheezburger.com/completestore/2010/7/25/424759d0-6693-446c-bb9b-c53829f22b4f.jpg


The Red Sea has just become a little more crimson. Four people have been attacked by white-tip sharks -

http://photography.nationalgeographic.com/staticfiles/NGS/Shared/StaticFiles/Photography/Images/POD/o/oceanic-whitetip-shark-1049157-xl.jpg

- in two days causing authorities to impose a swimming ban in art of the area. Here's hoping the sharks can read.

One can hardly be surprised at these incidents. The great sage Herge foresaw them in his books of great adventure.

http://books4u.in/uploads/The%20Adventure%20of%20TINTIN%20The%20Red%20Sea%20Sharks%20%28Custom%29.jpg


Well, the truth is out. Church roofs are bad for your health. Some 16000 churches have lead roofs. Since the Church of England was founded on a lie it is hardly surprising that the organization is now feeling a backlash.

But all is not lost.

Some enterprising fellows have been using Google Earth to locate the churches in question and liberate the offending heavy metals from the parish. And they have been quite busy.

In the past three years, some 8000 churches have had their ceilings democratically repossessed. But some churches just can't seem to part with the old ways - they replace the roof and the ceiling bandits return as many as 14 times to take yet another roof and really drive the message home.

The only theory is that someone has found the Philosopher's Stone and is churning out gold for the masses. They couldn't be selling it for scrap... could they? Gasp! Could we sink that low as a species?

http://8.media.collegehumor.cvcdn.com/5/3/collegehumor.b078cfe5db88d31dc6d0f7431078ca88.jpg

I'll take that as a maybe...


So, let's say you get a package. You open it. Inside you find 500 of these:

http://spiderbitespictures.com/images/tarantula1.jpg

and these:

http://www.pittsburghzoo.org/media/Animal_Images/MexRedKneeTarantula/mexican_red_kneed_tarantula_Big.jpg

I reckon your reaction wouldn't be "Woohoo! My order is here!!

I think it would be somewhere closer to:

http://media.funlol.com/content/img/hory-shet.jpg

Well some dimwit German (you see!!) has been making his living by illegally bringing these eight-legged crawlers into the US. Here's the kicker: He's doing it by post! Someone call Samuel L. Jackson. I think I just found him a sequel.

"Spiders on A Mail Train"

Oh, before I swat this story, I thought I'd share this with you. This is a hand puppet for children. http://www.puppetjungle.com/TarantulaLg%28Girl%29.jpg

Now remember, toy guns are banned! But making little Timmy fill his shorts: Priceless!


Christmas is fast approaching. We've all known this since September which, as I'm sure you're all agree, is the perfect time to start advertising the yuletide spending spree holiday. Cynicism aside, it's special thing to see the lights on, shining a message of peace throughout the neighbourhood. But, as usual, there's always a zealot on the block. Meet Mike Babick:

http://www.kcconfidential.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/12/l1060073.jpg

Now meet his Christmas light fetish:

http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_yG2HbYQQYOw/TPfVi7j97uI/AAAAAAAALFE/MtswbtNRQfc/s1600/%25210_0000_MORGUE_MetroKC-Christmas_PrairieVillageKS_7611Falmouth-BabickHouse_Photo.jpg

http://www.thelope.com/images/12-22-021.jpg

http://www.kansastravel.org/07falmouthchristmas2.JPG

It is estimated that some 250 000 gawkers visit his home every year. The trouble is he's in a residential neighbourhood. Some people look, some stare, some take photos and some take a piss on a random lawn. I reckon it's time to break out the shotguns and rock salt, lads.

http://c3.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/images01/80/l_dbaa3055d49ab36bee5f4da29d714f32.jpg

As you can see, it's effective.

Meanwhile, the UK once again demonstrated a need for real crime with this emergency call.

"I haven't been out to check on him for five hours but I went outside for a fag (cigarette) and he's gone," said the female caller.

When the operator asked who had gone she replied: "My snowman. I thought that with it being icy and there not being anybody about he'd be safe.

"It ain't a nice road but you don't expect anybody to nick your snowman," she added.

The police were not amused. By the time they got back from searching, their coffee was cold.

That's it. I'm gathering up some local parolees from Pollsmoor Prison and we're going to show them how to jingle ALL THE WAY!


And finally... It's been ten years since September the 11th. Airport security is still a royal pain. One would think that by now, certain things would be common sense. Procedures should have been adapted to deal with special situations.

But no.

When US Army soldiers were boarding a plane home, nail files and leatherman tools were taken away from them. They were allowed to board carrying these:

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/6/6c/Beretta_92_FS.gif
http://www.army.mil/-images/2007/05/14/4980/army.mil-2007-05-23-144940.jpg
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/d/d8/FN_SCAR-L_%28Standard%29.jpg

The logic was that without bullets, a gun poses no threat.

http://peterdaou.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/09/morans.jpg

A full transcript of the incident can be found here:

http://picchore.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/12/tsa.jpg

Once again, this is bad - http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/6/68/Nail_Clippers.jpg

But this is good - http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/6/6c/Beretta_92_FS.gif

The soldiers were also swabbed for "explosives residue detection". Again, these are soldiers returning from Iraq. Naturally, they all failed. Oh goody, that means that they all fired their weapons in defence of freedom. They were still allowed to board. I guess because they had guns.

America, the terrorists aren't your biggest enemy. This is your biggest enemy.

http://i283.photobucket.com/albums/kk306/kaesop/Motivators/Ignorance.jpg


This concludes this week's edition of The Opening Monologue. See you next week and remember, you haven't heard it all till you've heard The Last Say On Sunday.

Goodbye.

Posted by vittorio at 2:17 AM | Comments (0)

December 8, 2010

Improv Comedy @ Parker's Comedy & Jive

Wednesday the 8th of December 2010

Parker's Comedy & Jive
Shop 24 (Entrance 1)
Montecasino, Montecasino Boulevard, (C/o William Nicol and Witkoppen Roads), Fourways, Sandton, Gauteng, South Africa.

Website: http://www.parkerscomedy.com/ and http://www.parkerleisure.co.za/
Bookings: (+2711) 511 0081

BOOK AT COMPUTICKET: http://www.computicket.com/web/event/parker_s_comedy_08_december/274598614

Join my Facebook group at: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=91633385882&v=info
Join The Opening Monologue at: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=303236570417

Line-up: Joe Parker (MC), Improv Express. And your headliner for the evening: UK Comic Simon Fox

Show Starts: 21:00
Entrance Fee: R70

Posted by vittorio at 9:00 PM | Comments (0)

December 13, 2010

The Comics Choice Awards

Greetings again.

It seems I forgot to mention this.

I'm in the running for The Audience Choice Award at this year's 1st Annual Comics Choice Awards.

You can find it here:
http://www.comicschoice.co.za/public-voting/

You can vote for me SMSing 1012 to 41938.

You can vote up to ten times per unique cellphone number. SMS charged at R2.00. Errors billed. Free Minutes do not apply.

I'd like to win, it'd be kind of cool. Especially since I have my acceptance speech already worked out and it'd be a waste not to use it.

So spread the word, I'll do so too.

Be well and thank you muchly.

V.

Posted by vittorio at 5:09 PM | Comments (0)

Open Mic Competition Finals & Comedy Extravaganza @ Bubba J's

Monday the 13th of December 2010

Bubba J's Sports and Comedy Cafe
Corner of Finch & Reier Road, Atlasville

This evening marks the finals of the Open Mic Competition at Bubba J's and we've got something special for you.

10 COMICS ON ONE BILL!!

Our 3 Finalists will battle it out for comedy gold. Followed up by seven smoking aces of comedy!!

Brought to you by Nomad Comedy

Join me on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?v=info&gid=91633385882
Join The Opening Monologue: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=303236570417&ref=ts

Line-up: Vittorio Leonardi, Al Prodgers, Chris Mapane, Conrad Koch, UK Comic Martin Davis and many more!

Show Starts: 20:00
Entrance Fee: R50

Posted by vittorio at 8:00 PM | Comments (0)

December 15, 2010

Improv Comedy @ Parker's Comedy & Jive

Wednesday the 15th of December 2010

Parker's Comedy & Jive
Shop 24 (Entrance 1)
Montecasino, Montecasino Boulevard, (C/o William Nicol and Witkoppen Roads), Fourways, Sandton, Gauteng, South Africa.

Website: http://www.parkerscomedy.com/ and http://www.parkerleisure.co.za/
Bookings: (+2711) 511 0081

BOOK AT COMPUTICKET: http://www.computicket.com/web/event/parker_s_comedy_15_december/274598780

Join my Facebook group at: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=91633385882&v=info
Join The Opening Monologue at: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=303236570417

Line-up: Joe Parker (MC), Improv Express. And your headliner for the evening: Al Prodgers

Show Starts: 21:00
Entrance Fee: R70

Posted by vittorio at 9:00 PM | Comments (0)