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November 1, 2010

Open Mic Competition Semi Finals @ Bubba J's

Monday the 1st of November 2010
Bubba J's Sports and Comedy Cafe

Corner of Finch & Reier Road, Atlasville

Brought to you by Nomad Comedy

Join me on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?v=info&gid=91633385882
Join The Opening Monologue: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=303236570417

Line-up: Vittorio Leonardi (MC), 1st Half: Matthew, Anine and Shirley battle it out in the open mic semi-final. 2nd half: Chris Forrest.

Show Starts: 20:30
Entrance Fee: FREE!!

Posted by vittorio at 8:30 PM | Comments (0)

November 3, 2010

The Opening Monologue - 03/11/2010

The Opening Monologue - Wednesday the 3rd of November 2010
Written by Vittorio Leonardi.


Good evening.

It's a strange time when reincarnation is proven and the great spiritual mountain becomes sms ready. It's a weird day to be alive when the corrupt investigate their misdeeds and the past reappears with a bang. It is indeed a special planet we live on.

Nice to know there are still people far more insane than me out there.

Well, got tell it on the mountain, our government came clean on something. According to the treasury department, tender fraud is currently singing a song to the tune of R25 billion.

Oh wow, is that all?

But fear not, the government says they're on it and they will investigate. The convenience of investigating your own fraud is that:

1. You don't have to go far to find the guilty parties - they're right there.

2. You know exactly where the money is - in your greasy pocket.

3. And you know how well the investigation will turn out because you know the criminals intimately.

So, no worries.

It's not a conflict of interest when the criminals investigate the crime. It wasn't a problem when The Warren Commission investigated the Kennedy Assassination, now was it?

Tibet has always been a place of mysticism, spiritual enlightenment and adventure. It is a land home to legendary mountains and is one of the few places you can receive the bumper sticker that reads: Everest, because it's there.

And once you summit that great peak, we all know what you want to do, tweet about it. And now you can. Nepalese cellular provider, Ncell, has brought 3G connectivity to the base camp of Mt. Everest. Soon LOLs and ROFLMAOs will populate the airwaves as oxygen-deprived mountaineers navigate the lofty frozen wastes.

As a side note, isn't it great to know that humans are about to place cellphone towers on one of the last unspoiled place on earth? We do enjoy pissing off Mother Nature don't we? Still, it'll be fun seeing giant palm trees, surrounded by snow.


Fishermen have found a dozen bombs, circa World War Two, buried on the Galapagos Islands. Authorities were quick to calm a nearby US Naval fleet by stating that the native birds, lizards, penguins and tortoises are docile and are in no way linked to Al-Qaeda.

The local authorities were quick to point out that the bombs were probably American in origin and asked, pretty please, for them to come fetch their toys. On the upside, the locals have decided to keep the ordinance buried as the bombs are far away from where tourists usually play.

*Thinks*

This could be the start of a Galapagos Game Show - Digging for Mince! Watch as unsuspecting tourists dig for buried treasure! But watch out for the pitfalls - Dig, dig, CLANG! BOOOOOM! - Aaaw, better luck next time.


A group of four German high school kids have won the World Cup of Bad Dancing. Local jocks were on hand to offer atomic wedgies soon after.

"They convinced with epic ugliness, horrible appearance and their signature move - the Shy Dance," according to the competition's official website.

But the competition's organizers said that ugly dance was not necessarily bad.

These people have never seen a naked woman... ever. Only once they have, will they realise what can be lost through the power of the ugly dance.

"It's so easy to dance nicely, but ugly dancing is an art. We like to call it "ugly aesthetics," they said.

I call it the perpetuation of the five-knuckle-shuffle.

The competition was set up in 2009 to create a platform for alternative dancing styles. The criteria for selection include "outstanding ugliness, creativity, singularity/unseen moves and fun factor."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yFfq6J-rKns


Paul, the octopus that predicted all those World Cup results, has died. I wonder if he saw that one coming.

"Paul," says God, "How did you end up here?"

"I heard someone shout Sushi and here I am."

Staff at the Oberhausen Sea Life Centre in western Germany said in a statement they were "devastated" to learn of Paul's death when they returned to work on Tuesday.

"He appears to have passed away peacefully during the night, of natural causes, and we are consoled by the knowledge that he enjoyed a good life," said the centre's manager Stefan Porwoll.

The rescue centre says that at the moment, Paul is in cold storage till they figure out how to mark his extraordinary life.

At a guess, how about some calamari?

Isn't it great how an animal that served as an amusement for us - that lived out its life in a cage apart from all things natural - could be said to have died peacefully of natural causes.

Like all those life sentence inmates in jail I guess. Maybe those inmates could start predicting things too. We could finally get some use out of them, the deadbeats!


Speaking of deadbeats, Michael Jackson is this year's top money earner among the dead. Strangely though, there have been no protests working-class dead or Cosatu. Since his death, MJ's estate made $275 million. No surprise really.

http://www.randomfunnypicture.com/pictures/1696people-who-hate-michael-jackson-graph.jpg

Guilt is, after all, a wonderful money-spinner. However, the guilt machine wasn't strong enough. Michael left behind a debt of $500 million i.e. the amount the US spends on war in a day. He also left behind three children, or three children's behinds, we'll never know.


And finally... There are times when something really doesn't need an explanation.

A new species of monkey has been found in a remote region of northern Myanmar.

It looks like this.

http://www.reuters.com/article/slideshow?articleId=USTRE69P5CH20101027&slide=1

Am I the only one that thinks Michael Jackson got reincarnated?


This concludes this week's edition of The Opening Monologue. See you next week and remember; you haven't heard it all till you've heard The Last Say On Sunday.

Goodbye.

Posted by vittorio at 6:39 PM | Comments (0)

November 4, 2010

Stand-up Comedy @ Parker's Comedy & Jive

Thursday the 4th November 2010

Parker's Comedy & Jive
Shop 24 (Entrance 1)
Montecasino, Montecasino Boulevard, (Cnr William Nicol and Witkoppen Roads), Fourways, Sandton, Gauteng, South Africa.

Website: http://www.parkerscomedy.com/ and http://www.parkerleisure.co.za/
Bookings: (+2711) 511 0081

BOOK AT COMPUTICKET:
Thursday:
http://www.computicket.com/web/event/parker_s_comedy_04_november/247036689

Join me on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=91633385882
Join The Opening Monologue: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=303236570417

Line-up: Joe Parker (MC), UK Comic Martin Davis, Vittorio Leonardi and UK Comic Tim Clark.

Show Starts: 20:45
Entrance Fee: R90

Posted by vittorio at 8:45 PM | Comments (0)

November 5, 2010

Stand-up Comedy @ Parker's Comedy & Jive

Friday the 5th November 2010

Parker's Comedy & Jive
Shop 24 (Entrance 1)
Montecasino, Montecasino Boulevard, (Cnr William Nicol and Witkoppen Roads), Fourways, Sandton, Gauteng, South Africa.

Website: http://www.parkerscomedy.com/ and http://www.parkerleisure.co.za/
Bookings: (+2711) 511 0081

BOOK AT COMPUTICKET:
Friday:
http://www.computicket.com/web/event/parker_s_comedy_05_november/247036722

Join me on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=91633385882
Join The Opening Monologue: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=303236570417

Line-up: Joe Parker (MC), UK Comic Martin Davis, Vittorio Leonardi and UK Comic Tim Clark.

Show Starts: 21:00
Entrance Fee: R120

Posted by vittorio at 9:00 PM | Comments (0)

November 6, 2010

Stand-up Comedy @ Parker's Comedy & Jive

Saturday the 6th November 2010

Parker's Comedy & Jive
Shop 24 (Entrance 1)
Montecasino, Montecasino Boulevard, (Cnr William Nicol and Witkoppen Roads), Fourways, Sandton, Gauteng, South Africa.

Website: http://www.parkerscomedy.com/ and http://www.parkerleisure.co.za/
Bookings: (+2711) 511 0081

BOOK AT COMPUTICKET:
Saturday:
http://www.computicket.com/web/event/parker_s_comedy_06_november/247036755

Join me on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=91633385882
Join The Opening Monologue: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=303236570417

Line-up: Joe Parker (MC), UK Comic Martin Davis, Vittorio Leonardi and UK Comic Tim Clark.

Show Starts: 21:00
Entrance Fee: R120

Posted by vittorio at 9:00 PM | Comments (0)

November 8, 2010

Open Mic Competition @ Bubba J's

Monday the 8th of November 2010
Bubba J's Sports and Comedy Cafe

Corner of Finch & Reier Road, Atlasville

Brought to you by Nomad Comedy

Join me on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?v=info&gid=91633385882
Join The Opening Monologue: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=303236570417

Line-up: Vittorio Leonardi (MC), remaining line-up to be confirmed...

Show Starts: 20:30
Entrance Fee: FREE!!

Posted by vittorio at 8:30 PM | Comments (0)

November 10, 2010

The Opening Monologue - 10/11/2010

The Opening Monologue - Wednesday the 10th of November 2010
Written by Vittorio Leonardi.


Good evening.

It's been one of those weeks.

Jesus said, "Suffer the little children, and forbid them not, to come unto me."

Well it would seem that some folks are not only keen to send kids to Jesus, they're booking the tickets. Yes indeed, they're taking that to heart... and teeth and the courts too. When I was a child, I could remember wanting to be a grown-up because then things would be cool. You'd have to be blind not to notice that children are growing up faster, sooner. And now, it seems that some grown-ups in authority - people that clearly never got to play with any Nintendo - have decided that regardless of your age, you're in the poo.

So let's see what the unelected depression-mongers have up their cloaks for us this week.


Since 1994 The Stella Awards have existed.

http://www.stellaawards.com/

Given annually to people that sue for frivolous reasons, it remains the best list of people that should be eaten come the revolution. The awards are named after Stella Liebeck who sued McDonald's and was awarded $480,000 in damages. Why did she sue? She spilled some of their hot coffee onto her lap, burning herself. Apparently, it was McDonald's fault that the coffee was hot and that it burned her. Being a clumsy, old bint however is still legal in the US.

However, it seems that the courts are finally passing a judgement that flies in the face of the litigation nation.

A Manhattan woman has been denied the chance of milking Starbucks of $3 million after spilling tea on herself. Well, there's the problem right there. What the hell are you thinking, ordering tea in a coffee house? There are consequences to that kind of stupidity. The court found that since the tea was double-cupped, the clue was in the packaging. If it wasn't double-cupped, the tea would've been of the cold variety. As a side note the court also found that since the plaintiff was 76 years old, she's known that tea was hot since at least 1925!

Dumbass.

Elsewhere in the court system, a judge has just proven that a douchebag with power is still a douchebag. It seems that two girls were riding their bicycles one day when they accidentally rode into an 87 year old lady. She needed hip replacement surgery and later died in hospital. The judge has ruled that despite their age, they can still be sued.

The girls were four at the time. They're now six-years old!! Damn dude, somebody give him a bike ride before he has them executed for jay-walking!


But the attack on the kiddies doesn't end there. Whatever your opinion of Halloween is, you have to admit it is fun watching kids run around, buzzing on a sugar high and knowing that they aren't yours to deal with. Halloween is like a candy-coated Christmas where you know what the presents are and that there'll be a lot.

So what would you do if some twit decided that it was time to give all your surplus sweets to a good cause?

*flips the bird*

My thoughts exactly. Like bad villains in an episode of Captain Planet, two dentists have started a post-Halloween service. They'll pay you $1 a pound to send your candy away from you.

Where is the candy going?

To boost the morale of US troops stationed in the Middle East.

Guys, when the Marines said they wanted you to send candy, they meant this one.

http://s3.amazonaws.com/uploads.kidzworld.com/article/33102/candy4.jpg?1254789034


However, that is not to say there aren't some bad eggs in the basket. A 15-month old baby has been saved from certain death by a cafe awning. She was playing, unsupervised, with her four year old sister when she fell out a window and did a 7 storey free-fall before being saved by the cloth.

The police said that it is hard to ascertain what happened because the girls are so young.

What's so hard to understand?

Methinks big sister was just removing some competition.


But the assault on all things kiddie still isn't over. The San Francisco Board of Supervisor's has passed a law stating that you can't sell toys with Happy Meals any more. Not unless the meals meet certain dietary requirements.

Well done lads, you've just created - The Unhappy Meal!

http://evilmonito.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/11/unhappy-meal-650x487.jpg

They might have a point but don't they see what they're about to unleash on parents? Without the toy, how will parents bribe their children into five measly minutes of silence? I reckon that instead of a toy for the kid, The Unhappy Meal should just come with a sedative.

Silence, it's what you really want isn't it?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W55BZC6kpgo

Or at least a LOL or two.


So... you work in a crappy take-out place, trying to scrape enough cash to finance some *insert fantasy here* and even though the hours suck and you smell like a pizza all day, fat girls seem to like you, so it's cool. So what would you do if you found out that the random service jockey was earning more than you an hour?

Not a lot more, just something like 2500 times more than you!!

You might have a slight melt down, yes? The kind that's fuelled by PCP, Jack Daniels and an assault rifle.

http://www.motifake.com/image/demotivational-poster/0911/going-postal-november-challenge-workplace-violence-is-ronald-demotivational-poster-1258659818.jpg

Well, Domino's Pizza Japan has decided to celebrate its 25th Anniversary by offering this prize to some random citizen. You'll work at Domino's Pizza Japan, for one hour and be paid $31030. All this while all the other employees around you are earning $12.41 an hour. Well guys... I could be wrong but I don't think old Chan over there is going to have much help from the other staff. In fact, you may find only this:

http://edwardcheever.files.wordpress.com/2010/09/404-error-nothing-found-demotivational-poster.jpg


Staff at Breckland Council in the eastern English county of Norfolk are experiencing a new level of nanny state. Basically, if you want to smoke, you'll be doing it on your own time. That's right, if you go for a smoke break, you will clock out of the building and then clock back in when you're done. And I doubt it'll stop there. Soon fatties will be clocking out for a snack and the pervs will be clocking out for some hand jive. Ah, the first world, my, what freedoms you enjoy.

http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_RwdH5DTKRas/SsH1fqOU2sI/AAAAAAAACDI/ZY91z_J7DJA/s400/nanny+state+demotivational+poster.jpg


And finally... Just when you thought J.K. Rowling couldn't cause anymore damage, her followers go and mess with Mother Nature. It seems these dimwits are having trouble distinguishing reality from a premise stolen from Orsen Scott Card. The fans of Harry Potter are decimating the owl population of India. Yup, these twits are stealing owls, not just the kids, it's their parents that are presenting their addle-brained children with LIVE OWLS!

Dammit people, we're back to the happy meal argument. Just because you can doesn't mean you should. Why do the animals have to suffer when little Pravesh gets a मधुमक्खी in his टोपी?

Parents, as a favour to me, learn how to say NO!!

http://www.wayangtimes.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/05/say-no-motivational-poster.jpg

Or opt for the best approach:

http://kinderfresser.org/download/fun/pics/all_daddy_wanted_was_a_blowjob.jpg


This concludes this week's edition of The Opening Monologue. See you next week and remember, you haven't heard it all till you've heard The Last Say On Sunday.

Goodbye.

Posted by vittorio at 7:16 PM | Comments (0)

Improv Comedy @ Parker's Comedy & Jive

Wednesday the 10th of November 2010

Parker's Comedy & Jive
Shop 24 (Entrance 1)
Montecasino, Montecasino Boulevard, (C/o William Nicol and Witkoppen Roads), Fourways, Sandton, Gauteng, South Africa.

Website: http://www.parkerscomedy.com/ and http://www.parkerleisure.co.za/
Bookings: (+2711) 511 0081

Join my Facebook group at: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=91633385882&v=info
Join The Opening Monologue at: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=303236570417

Line-up: Joe Parker (MC), Improv Express. And your headliner for the evening: UK comic Tim Clark

Show Starts: 21:00
Entrance Fee: R70

Posted by vittorio at 9:00 PM | Comments (0)

November 12, 2010

Stand-up Comedy with The New Faces @ The Globe Theatre, Gold Reef City

Friday the 12th of November 2010

The Newbies
The Globe Theatre
Gold Reef City

Cnr Northern Parkway & Data Crescent, Ormonde, Johannesburg

Directions: http://www.goldreefcity.co.za/directions.php
GPS: S 26° 14' 15" E 28° 00' 48"

Book at Computicket: http://www.computicket.com/web/event/newbies_sa_s_top_upcoming_comedians/256864206/

What's On: http://www.whatson.co.za/details.php?id=41291

Check out my website at: http://vittorio.sharp.fm/
Join The Opening Monologue: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=303236570417

Come and support SA comedy and witness the next generation of funny people...

Line-up: Vittorio Leonardi (MC), Robby Collins, Shirley Kirchmann, Deep Fried Man and Tol Ass Mo.

Show Starts: 20:30
Entrance Fee: R55

Posted by vittorio at 8:30 PM | Comments (0)

November 13, 2010

Stand-up Comedy with The New Faces @ The Globe Theatre, Gold Reef City

Friday the 12th of November 2010

The Newbies
The Globe Theatre
Gold Reef City

Cnr Northern Parkway & Data Crescent, Ormonde, Johannesburg

Directions: http://www.goldreefcity.co.za/directions.php
GPS: S 26° 14' 15" E 28° 00' 48"

Book at Computicket: http://www.computicket.com/web/event/newbies_sa_s_top_upcoming_comedians/256864206/

What's On: http://www.whatson.co.za/details.php?id=41291

Check out my website at: http://vittorio.sharp.fm/
Join The Opening Monologue: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=303236570417

Come and support SA comedy and witness the next generation of funny people...

Line-up: Vittorio Leonardi (MC), Robby Collins, Shirley Kirchmann, Deep Fried Man and Tol Ass Mo.

Show Starts: 20:30
Entrance Fee: R55

Posted by vittorio at 8:30 PM | Comments (0)

November 15, 2010

Open Mic Competition @ Bubba J's

Monday the 15th of November 2010
Bubba J's Sports and Comedy Cafe

Corner of Finch & Reier Road, Atlasville

Brought to you by Nomad Comedy

Join me on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?v=info&gid=91633385882
Join The Opening Monologue: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=303236570417

Line-up: Vittorio Leonardi (MC), 1st Half: Open Mic Competition; 2nd Half: UK Comic, Martin Davis

Show Starts: 20:30
Entrance Fee: FREE!!

Posted by vittorio at 8:30 PM | Comments (0)

November 17, 2010

The Opening Monologue - 17/11/2010

The Opening Monologue - Wednesday the 17th of November 2010
Written by Vittorio Leonardi.


Good evening.

This week, freedom of expression seemed to be the watchword. Some people want to curb it, others want to practise it and a select few knuckleheads seem to be abusing it. Whatever the case may be, your opinion is exactly that... yours. And when you've said something so inflammatory that people you don't even know, are flaming you, perhaps you should just stop, think and then think again before crossing the internet super highway.

Let's have a look at this parade of the especially noisy.


God Save the Queen... to your desktop! Britain's monarch is now online, on Facebook to be precise. The Queen has her own fan page designed to keep royal watchers - you sad people - abreast of all things royal. Within reason of course. No personal details are available on the site as this has been outsourced to the tabloids.

However it didn't take long before it became the site of that great internet tradition: the flame-war! Pro and anti royal screechers hurled invectives back and forth while the rest of us carried on with important things like downloading Lolcats, updating our status and generally being unproductive. It's alleged that the furore was brought to an end with a deploying of the SAS. Unlike Designated Distraction Man a.k.a. Julius Malema, The Queen actually has internet clout.

And now for the important part: How many fans does she have? As of last week, England's Queen has 60000 fans.

http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_ShssuEE1cx0/TNfEtAPKrdI/AAAAAAAAEdY/MKdu7eJalfo/s1600/The+Queen+Facebook.jpg

Well, I guess that proves that the capital city of the Empire is owned by foreigners.

Karma's a bitch ain't it?

http://img.metro.co.uk/i/pix/2010/11/09/article-1289290478696-0BF73BE3000005DC-543550_636x530.jpg

Oh crap, looks like I made her mad.


Canadian authorities are very upset after an old man turned into a Chinese youth on a plane.

"Dammit, we have far too many of them!" cried Canadian immigration officials.

http://wwwimage.cbsnews.com/images/2010/11/11/image7044589.jpg

The locals were not amused.

http://www.reuters.com/article/video/idUSTRE6A44LS20101108?videoId=164039367

"All he did was visit the bathroom and now he's young again." said a fellow passenger, "I tried it on my wife with no results. I am very disappointed."

To add insult to injury, upon his arrest in Canada the youth asked for asylum. However all is not lost. The Canadian film industry is willing to give him a leg up considering the quality of his special FX and make-up work.

I would give him asylum. He's not some whiney South African feigning persecution - isn't that right Mr. Huntley?


We all know from the news and various pointless TV series, that prison is no fun time to be sure. It's with this in mind that the Russia prison bosses have decided to improve the plight of inmates by installing sunbeds.

You can see the connection there.

Apparently, the Russians have just figured out that a cold, draughty prison with rising damp and crappy medical services can lead to inmates dying.

And it only took the death of a famous lawyer inmate to make them realise this.

http://iphoneo.info/wp-content/uploads/2009/04/shock.jpg

It's not unlike the surprise shown by our own police services when the death of a tourist makes them realise that Gugulethu is a dangerous place.

Well done lads!

http://blogs.smh.com.au/mashup/images/applause.gif

Twits!


Sri Lanka - land of Arthur C. Clarke and no porn. A manhunt is on for a 83 cops that decided to moonlight as pornstars for a little extra loot. Sri Lankan government types have said that that kind of behaviour is simply not on. No one should be having a good time in their country. Some critics have said that this is proof of the coutry's growing social conservatism. Future plans are in place to change Facebook's Sri Lankan web interface.

Poke will be replaced with Firm Handshake and all Friends will now be called Close Personal Acquaintances.

The clearest evidence that not all decisions are bad was when the government denied Akon a visa to perform there. Clearly someone knows what crap sounds like.


The eastern Dutch city of Nijmegen - bless you - has a bit of a theft problem. Someone is stealing their bronze statues and melting them down. But they are undeterred. Taking their cue from Telkom and its battle with cable theft, they have decided that to curb the trend they will replace their statues with replicas made from cheaper materials. It looks like the real thing but is not. Kind of like what Telkom does with the phone lines and internet.


Wanted: A few good priests to cast out demons from the possessed. The Catholic Church is advertising for priests who are willing to learn the rite of Exorcism. There is a high demand for Exorcisms in the US as frantic parents try to rid their children of the scourge that is Justin Bieber. And as we all know, nothing scares a kid quite like waking up to a priest squirting holy fluid on them.

http://www.zgeek.com/forum/gallery/files/1/1/3/3/exorcist.gif

Or maybe not...


Garfield's creator, Jim Davis, has had to apologize for a cartoon that showed that veterans can't tell the difference between humour and somebody actually mocking them.

This was the evil, foul, unpatriotic, non-flagwaving, veteran-booing cartoon:

http://assets.nydailynews.com/img/2010/11/13/alg_garfield_comic.jpg

I would go on a rant about this, but why? I could explain that the spider is the butt of the joke (not the veterans) because he was stupid to challenge something as big as Garfield. I could also mention that Garfield has a history of whomping spiders and that this was merely a tiny fragment in the saga. I could also point out that after blowing up the enemy or setting fire to a country from the air, a little light humour shouldn't really offend any soldiers.

But saying it would be pointless... So I won't.

I will say this to the complaining masses:

http://content.funnyhumor.com/pictures/babierasp.gif


It is a rare thing to be truly aware of one's shortcomings. Knowing your limits is a great step forward towards achieving a zen-like state. So when you know you're not a good parent it makes perfect sense to sell your baby and buy a car.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R-o6OKQGsEQ

Stephanie Bigbee Fleming was to get to $9000 from the sale, BROKERED BY HER GRANDMA!! Oh and Granny was greedy. Fleming was to get $9000 but Granny organised herself a fat $21000 commission. Hoowee, Granny gots the smarts in the family!

How would one even begin to punish someone like this?

Show them this:

http://carphotos.cardomain.com/ride_images/1/2866/3261/7164130002_large.jpg

And then do this to it:

http://www.valentivisionfilms.com/bio/behind/Car-Explosion.gif


And now some random news:

Japan has created the world's first robotic actress that can be programmed to mimic the best qualities of acting and can also take direction perfectly.... Just in time for the relaunch of Egoli.

http://www.reuters.com/news/video/story?videoId=164083897&videoChannel=2602


Japan has learned that the best way to entice people to your country is with boobies. Good show lads. Meet the Tourism Bra:

http://www.reuters.com/news/video/story?videoId=164073946&videoChannel=2602


And finally... Amazon.com has decided to pull a how-to book on paedophilia from it's ebooks collection... only after people complained.

Why?

Were there no pictures?

The book, innocently titled "The Paedophile's Guide to Love and Pleasure: a Child-lover's Code of Conduct," by Philip R. Greaves II, went on sale on October 28 and cost $4.79 to download. Amazon originally touted the whole freedom of expression card before someone in marketing realised what they were saying and removed the title.

Amazon has since been mum on the issue. I guess they're catching up on their reading.

And what of the author. Oh he's a self-described manic depressive that writes as a form of therapy. And is his mind "The word 'paedophile,' I believe, means somebody who loves children, OK? And you're not somebody who loves children if you're raping and murdering and killing them." He also says, "Anything such as kissing, fondling, that sort of thing I don't think is that serious of a problem. True paedophiles love children and would never hurt them."

I can't imagine why the cops placed Mr. Greaves under protection. Let him explain his stance to an angry mob. It worked for Frankenstein.

http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_tw5hXrbf1kg/TGSdHPNdQLI/AAAAAAAABNw/fqn9ktZajP8/s1600/frankenstein-climax.jpg

Oh wait... Never mind.


This concludes this week's edition of The Opening Monologue. See you next week and remember, you haven't heard it all till you've heard The Last Say On Sunday.

Goodbye.

Posted by vittorio at 6:11 PM | Comments (0)

Improv Comedy @ Parker's Comedy & Jive

Wednesday the 17th of November 2010

Parker's Comedy & Jive
Shop 24 (Entrance 1)
Montecasino, Montecasino Boulevard, (C/o William Nicol and Witkoppen Roads), Fourways, Sandton, Gauteng, South Africa.

Website: http://www.parkerscomedy.com/ and http://www.parkerleisure.co.za/
Bookings: (+2711) 511 0081

Join my Facebook group at: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=91633385882&v=info
Join The Opening Monologue at: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=303236570417

Line-up: Dave Levinsohn (MC), Improv Express. And your headliner for the evening: Canadian comic Shelley Marshall

Show Starts: 21:00
Entrance Fee: R70

Posted by vittorio at 9:00 PM | Comments (0)

November 22, 2010

Open Mic Competition @ Bubba J's

Monday the 22nd of November 2010
Bubba J's Sports and Comedy Cafe

Corner of Finch & Reier Road, Atlasville

Brought to you by Nomad Comedy

Join me on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?v=info&gid=91633385882
Join The Opening Monologue: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=303236570417

Line-up: Vittorio Leonardi (MC), remaining line-up to be confirmed...

Show Starts: 20:30
Entrance Fee: FREE!!

Posted by vittorio at 8:30 PM | Comments (0)

November 23, 2010

The Opening Monologue - 23/11/2010

The Opening Monologue - Tuesday the 23th of November 2010
Written by Vittorio Leonardi.


Good evening.

It's been a little over a year since I started writing this weekly rant and I'm sad to say that The Opening Monologue has proven, at least to some degree that, that aliens don't read this rant. If they did, several population groups would no longer exist. I refer to the Asians - mainly Japanese and Thai people - and the Germans. These groups are regular contributors. In fact, if you want to see weird thingsa done on masse, look no further than the original Goths.

http://www.cartoonstock.com/lowres/dro1493l.jpg

But then again, if paranoia is your thing then realise that aliens could just be abducting people so well that you just aren't noticing.

Sleep well tonight...

http://weirdsci.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/08/alien-abduction.jpg

So let's see what our whacky fellow earthlings have been up to this week.


Arizona USA - drivers cruising along a desert highway were jarred out of their driving daze as they passed this sign:

http://www.ezombies.com/images/caution-zombies-ahead.jpg

Indeed, it seems to be the real thing. But much to the disappointment of some drivers, there were no zombies. It seems that the infestation was quelled before any civilians could test out their handguns. The local authorities said that there were no zombies to begin with but we all know better. On a strategic note, perhaps the undead should have chosen a state without that many gun toting NRA members.

Better luck next BRAAAAINS!

http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_zpSGU1RZFS4/TOKNdvu9IjI/AAAAAAAAEco/KiI3XZTjol4/s1600/zombies.jpg


On the subject of the dearly departed... an enterprising gay couple in Germany have decided to sell specialised coffins aimed at the gay market. Odd fact: they're a gay couple and they're undertakers. Love is truly a many splendid thing and their corpse clientele look fabulous. The new coffins - which they're getting requests for - will be adorned with images of athletic, naked men. Who says you can't take the porn with you? Now even zombies can have a wank.

"We believe you should be able to have a coffin that lets you embark on your last journey in a way that reflects how you lived your life," undertaker Thomas Brandl told Reuters last Thursday.

So I'll be buried in a pizza box adorned with naked women on the inside. Not a damn am I climbing out of my coffin to have a zombie five-knuckle-shuffle.

Across the Pacific, Japanese vending machines are well known across the world for being purveyors of anything from action figures to teen-girl soiled under wear (no really). But now, with the aid of facial recognition software, the vending machines will also suggest what drink you might want. If you're over 50, perhaps some green tea; a man - a caffeine drink of some kind and a lady, perhaps something the same but slightly sweeter. All suggestions will be based on prevailing market research, the time of day and the temperature. As an added bonus, if an American approaches, a small carry handle pops out the machine with the message: Here! Take it all just don't bomb us again!

http://nukeitfromorbit.com/ce.d0a13ec0a277d02e9feceead02117aa7.nuke,j.jpg


A new study done at the University of Kansas has found that not only is flirting fun but your success at the dating game may have everything to do with knowing own personal "flirting style".

You don't want to come on too strong:

http://www.faniq.com/images/blog/38d206b290d6a6e7d9d9ffe97ffd9c30.png

Or be too forward:

http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2753/4214364127_3bc7436714.jpg

Or just plain creepy:

http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_4s5pmFL_ZlQ/TIpEIbRCIeI/AAAAAAAAEVE/TEcSBAmWkFw/s1600/show+me+your+tits+boobs+jugs+breasts+tatas+mamaries+nipples+nips+hot+babes+girls+women+dog+motivational+posters+boobs.jpg

If you want to know your style, you can take the quiz right here: http://connect.ku.edu/tests/flirt/

In the meantime, put down the chloroform, step away from the rag and no one gets hurt.


Ukrainian feminine rights group Femen says it will continue its signature protests involving topless women yelling slogans. Ukrainian officials responded by selling tickets to the next protest.


America has begun its slow invasion of Paris. That's our routine, you thieving sods!, shouted Germany. But no, the US is not invading with troops, its invading with blood suckers.

http://suvudu.com/files/mt-files/Edward%20Cullen.jpg

No not the sparkly kind, the insect kind:

http://skinnymoose.com/wildlifepro/wp-content/uploads/2010/10/bed_bug_1223.jpg

Apparently the American bed bug has begun nomming on French people after some stowed away on a visiting tourist.. The reason for the change of scenery: Even though the French bathe a lot less, they taste way better.

One bug was heard to say, "Wow, 15 victims and not one trace of a happy meal, I'm never going back."


Protest can take many forms. Some do it topless, others spray fake blood but one man showed his displeasure by blowing away his TV. Steven Cowan couldn't believe that Bristol Palin - the knocked-up daughter of Republican Nazi Sarah Palin - had twice come in last on "Dancing with the Stars" but was saved by the elderly judging panel because she "showed a lot of heart" and her mom is a gun toting conservative. Cowan was later arrested for "reckless endangerment and use of a deadly weapon". It's unlikely that the TV will drop the charges.

To add insanity to insult, Bristol and Jersey Shore douchebag "The Situation" are starring in an ad campaign to promote safe sex. There is no confirmation yet as to whether or not Palin approved the slogan for the campaign.

"Remember to pull out kids so you don't end up like me."


A Latvian man has been charged with three counts of dine-and-dash at expensive London restaurants. His total bill was R26000. Nice one brother, if you're going to do it, go large.


Russian Prime Minister, Vladimir Putin has a new dog:

http://www.hollywoodgrind.com/images/2008/4/alina-kabaeva.jpg

No not that one. This one.

http://ricochet.com/var/ezwebin_site/storage/images/media/images/tumblr_lbu2y1qyfk1qepl15o1_500/300537-1-eng-US/tumblr_lbu2y1Qyfk1qepl15o1_500_lightbox.jpg

And he has asked the Russian people to help him come up with a name for the Karakachan Shepherd Dog gifted to him by his Bulgarian counterpart. Considering Putin's history with the KGB, names you won't be hearing include Torture, Prison, Poker, Starvation and Darkness as these names are already in use at Guantanamo Bay.


Wayne and Larry Hallquist have just entered the Guiness Book of World Records as the worlds tallest couple. With a combined height of 407.4 centimetres, there is no lightbulb this couple can't reach. There have been reports that in some areas, laws will be drawn up to stop them from getting front row concert tickets or standing on each others shoulders.

I can't wait for when they have kids.

"So what do people scream when they see your parents coming?"

http://news.bbcimg.co.uk/media/images/50045000/jpg/_50045430_jex_873374_de27-1.jpg

All together now... BEHEMOTH!!


Again with the Germans... A court in Germany has blocked a man from tattooing the Rolling Stones mouth and tongue logo on his pony.

http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_LxB5bkk8QeU/TMnbOO1UltI/AAAAAAAAIQA/_-vOI2ZC2S0/s1600/RollingStonesTongueLogo.jpg

They ruled that the tattoo would cause the animal pain without reasonable cause. What? As opposed to all those times you tickled his scrotum with a riding crop for that extra burst of speed?

They also ruled that the tattoo was not to be used as an identification mark. a business registration filed by the owner gave the court reason to believe he wanted to make money with a tattoo service for animals. I wonder if they'd get the rose tattoo or the classic barbed wire around the hooves?


A South African woman has been arrested in Idaho, USA after giving girls breast exams in the change rooms at night clubs and bars. The trouble is, she's not a doctor. However, she was once a man. Wait... What?

Kristina Brittany Ross - pictured below:
http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2010/11/18/article-1330725-0C1C5391000005DC-462_233x375.jpg

Ross apparently used medical jargon as well as a fake name - Dr Berlyn Aussieahshowna - to help her con along. As a test, try pronouncing that name. Go on.

This proves that girls from Idaho are far too trusting.

The poo hit the fan when the plastic surgeon's office Miss Ross claimed she worked at, started getting numerous calls for a doctor that did not exist.

And what charge was Miss Ross sought on? Impersonating a medical doctor. So basically the ladies involved are saying, "Feel me up but don't claim you're a doctor while you're doing it. That's just rude."


Meet Japan's newest police dog -

http://www.vancouversun.com/news/3855827.bin?size=620x400

All three kilos of her.

This isn't a scam. Peach the long-haired Chihuahua has just qualified as a police dog. She will be used in earthquake rescue efforts. The theory is that with her small frame, she could scramble into places a normal size dog won't fit. And soon, we will have Yorkshire Terriers trained to enter terrorist hotspots, trained to seduce any guard dog and get them to reveal the gate codes... what?

It could happen.


And finally... any one that's stood in line on voting day knows that the democratic process is a lot of things, a turn-on not being one of them.

With that in mind, in Spain's upcoming elections, the Catalan Socialist Party is trying to win over hearts and loins with this ad:

http://www.reuters.com/news/video/story?videoId=164150193&videoChannel=2602

For those of you on a mobile device, the ad equates casting a vote with having a fab shag and a great orgasm. Well, it's hardly a different approach. Politicians have always screwed us; however, it's nice to think one might actually walk away from the experience satisfied, just for once.


This concludes this week's edition of The Opening Monologue. See you next week and remember, you haven't heard it all till you've heard The Last Say On Sunday.

Goodbye.

Posted by vittorio at 4:56 PM | Comments (0)

Stand-up Comedy @ Cool Runnings, Victory Park

Tuesday the 23rd of November 2010
Stand-up Comedy @ Cool Runnings, Victory Park

Cool Runnings, Victory Park
Shop 28, Victory Park Shopping Centre
Rustenburg Rd, Victory Park

Tel: +27 (11) 888 7633/4
Fax: +27 (11) 888 7628

Join me on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=91633385882&v=info
Join The Opening Monologue: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=303236570417&ref=ts

Line-up: Nicky Van (MC), Morgan - Beatbox and Vittorio Leonardi.

Show Starts: 20:45
Entrance Fee: R10

Posted by vittorio at 8:45 PM | Comments (0)

November 24, 2010

Improv Comedy @ Parker's Comedy & Jive

Wednesday the 24th of November 2010

Parker's Comedy & Jive
Shop 24 (Entrance 1)
Montecasino, Montecasino Boulevard, (C/o William Nicol and Witkoppen Roads), Fourways, Sandton, Gauteng, South Africa.

Website: http://www.parkerscomedy.com/ and http://www.parkerleisure.co.za/
Bookings: (+2711) 511 0081

BOOK AT COMPUTICKET: http://www.computicket.com/web/event/parker_s_comedy_24_november/247037108

Join my Facebook group at: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=91633385882&v=info
Join The Opening Monologue at: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=303236570417

Line-up: Joe Parker (MC), Improv Express. And your headliner for the evening: Canadian comic Shelley Marshall

Show Starts: 21:00
Entrance Fee: R70

Posted by vittorio at 9:00 PM | Comments (0)

November 26, 2010

Stand-up Comedy @ The Supersport Bar, Carnival City

Friday the 26th of November, 2010
The Supersport Action Bar

Carnival City, Cnr Century and Elsburg Road, Brakpan, Johannesburg, Gauteng, South Africa, 1540.

Carnival City URL: http://www.suninternational.com/Destinations/Casinos/CarnivalCity/Pages/default.aspx
Telephone: (+27 11) 898 7000
Facsimile: (+27 11) 898 7024

Join me on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=91633385882
Join The Opening Monologue: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=303236570417&ref=ts

Line-up: Melt Sieberhagen (MC), Canadian Comic Shelley Marshall, Etienne Shardlow and Vittorio Leonardi.

Show Starts: 21:00
Entrance Fee: R50 and includes entrance to the dance show at 20:00

Posted by vittorio at 9:00 PM | Comments (0)

November 27, 2010

Stand-up Comedy @ The Supersport Bar, Carnival City

Saturday the 27th of nOVEMber, 2010
The Supersport Action Bar

Carnival City, Cnr Century and Elsburg Road, Brakpan, Johannesburg, Gauteng, South Africa, 1540.

Carnival City URL: http://www.suninternational.com/Destinations/Casinos/CarnivalCity/Pages/default.aspx
Telephone: (+27 11) 898 7000
Facsimile: (+27 11) 898 7024

Join me on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=91633385882
Join The Opening Monologue: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=303236570417&ref=ts

Line-up: Melt Sieberhagen (MC), Canadian Comic Shelley Marshall, Etienne Shardlow and Vittorio Leonardi.

Show Starts: 21:00
Entrance Fee: R50 and includes entrance to the dance show at 20:00

Posted by vittorio at 9:00 PM | Comments (0)

November 28, 2010

Stand-up Comedy @ The Comedy Underground

Sunday the 28th of November 2010

Comedy Underground
Cool Runnings, 27 4th Ave, Melville. Johannesburg, Gauteng, South Africa.

Information: (+2711) 482 4786

Brought to you by Cool Runnings and Whacked Management.

URL: http://www.whacked.co.za/home.html

Email: taffia@whacked.co.za

Telephone: (+2711) 326 0021

Join me on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=91633385882
Join The Opening Monologue: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=303236570417

Line-up: Joey Rasdien (MC), Ashley Smith, Khumba, Rob Fridjhon, Monique Nortje, Lunga Majola, Mel Miller and Vittorio Leonardi.

Show Starts: 20:00
Entrance Fee: R20 with a valid Student card, otherwise R30

Posted by vittorio at 8:00 PM | Comments (0)

November 29, 2010

Open Mic Competition Semi Finals @ Bubba J's

Monday the 29th of November 2010
Bubba J's Sports and Comedy Cafe

Corner of Finch & Reier Road, Atlasville

Brought to you by Nomad Comedy

Join me on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?v=info&gid=91633385882
Join The Opening Monologue: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=303236570417

Line-up: Vittorio Leonardi (MC), 1st Half: Semi finals of The Open Mic Competition. 2nd Half: Headliner

Show Starts: 20:30
Entrance Fee: FREE!!

Posted by vittorio at 8:30 PM | Comments (0)