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September 1, 2010

Stand-up Comedy @ Bubba J's

Wednesday the 1st of September 2010
Bubba J's Sports and Comedy Cafe

Corner of Finch & Reier Road, Atlasville

Brought to you by Nomad Comedy

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Line-up: Nqoba Ngcobo, Vittorio Leonardi and Loyiso Gola.

Show Starts: 20:30
Entrance Fee: R20

Posted by vittorio at 8:30 PM | Comments (0)

September 3, 2010

Stand-up Comedy @ The Supersport Bar, Carnival City

Friday the 3rd of September, 2010
The Supersport Action Bar

Carnival City, Cnr Century and Elsburg Road, Brakpan, Johannesburg, Gauteng, South Africa, 1540.

Carnival City URL: http://www.suninternational.com/Destinations/Casinos/CarnivalCity/Pages/default.aspx
Telephone: (+27 11) 898 7000
Facsimile: (+27 11) 898 7024

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Line-up: Tony D. King (MC), Deep Fried Man, Etienne Shardlow and Vittorio Leonardi.

Show Starts: 21:00
Entrance Fee: R50 and includes entrance to the dance show at 20:00

Posted by vittorio at 9:00 PM | Comments (0)

September 4, 2010

Stand-up Comedy @ The Supersport Bar, Carnival City

Saturday the 4th of September, 2010
The Supersport Action Bar

Carnival City, Cnr Century and Elsburg Road, Brakpan, Johannesburg, Gauteng, South Africa, 1540.

Carnival City URL: http://www.suninternational.com/Destinations/Casinos/CarnivalCity/Pages/default.aspx
Telephone: (+27 11) 898 7000
Facsimile: (+27 11) 898 7024

Join me on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=91633385882
Join The Opening Monologue: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=303236570417&ref=ts

Line-up: Tony D. King (MC), Deep Fried Man, Etienne Shardlow and Vittorio Leonardi.

Show Starts: 21:00
Entrance Fee: R50 and includes entrance to the dance show at 20:00

Posted by vittorio at 9:00 PM | Comments (0)

September 7, 2010

Stand-up Comedy @ Ridgeback, Centurion

Tuesday the 7th of September 2010
Ridgeback Village Restaurant

129 Jean Avenue,
Corner Jean Ave and Suid Street, Centurion.

BOOKINGS: (+2712) 6671142

It's student night at Ridgeback and we're gonna rock the house with some pumping stand-up comedy!

Join me on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?v=info&gid=91633385882
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Line-up: Vittorio Leonardi (MC), Hannes Brummer and The Godfather of SA Stand-up Comedy - Mel Miller!

Show Starts: 20:00
NO ENTRANCE FEE!!

Posted by vittorio at 8:00 PM | Comments (0)

September 8, 2010

The Opening Monologue - 08/09/2010

The Opening Monologue - Wednesday the 8th of September 2010
Written by Vittorio Leonardi.

Good evening.


This week has shown me just how dependant I am on machines. For the fourth time, I had to re-install Windows on my pc. It seems that the operating system knows when my machine needs an upgrade of some sort because the resurrection of Windows goes hand-in-hand with the buying of something shiny and new for the pc's innards. And it is at times like these that I remember how heavily machines are depended upon to run nearly everything.

We're dependant on Google to know all the questions we haven't thought to ask yet.
We hope the Machine Gods that control the fax machine demons will let that last important fax go through.
We all hope that, on the day of the big presentation, the copier doesn't orgasm toner all over your pretty graphs.
And, let's face it; we all hope that the security systems on our homes will work when we most need them.

It's for that reason that I have genuinely tried - albeit unsuccessfully - to get away from the machines when I can. Go for a walk outside, breath the air, look at the sky... you know... hippy stuff. And it helps. It clears my mind just long enough to give me the perspective and objectivity I need to comment on the ever lengthening procession of odd meatsacks that I feel the need to comment on every week.

So... let's see who's first in line today.


"Vuvuzelas? We ain't got no Vuvuzelas. We don't need no Vuvuzelas. I don't have to blow on any stinking Vuvuzelas!"

Yes, it would seem that Europe and the UK have spoken. They have banned the vuvuzela at all football events in Europe and at the upcoming Olympics in London. One of the reasons given is that though the vuvuzela added local flavour to the SA World Cup experience, it's just not a European thing.

They went on to say that the European football "consists of the two-way exchange of emotions between the pitch and the stands, where the public can transmit a full range of feelings to the players.

However, UEFA is of the view that the vuvuzelas would completely change the atmosphere, drowning supporter emotions and detracting from the experience of the game."

So they're going to go with the traditional, singing, cheering and chanting instead. As we all know, nothing makes football better than some lovely lads chanting,
"You're gonna get f***ing head kicked in!"


Closer to home, the US Consulate has put a five-star Cape Town Hotel on its blacklist. The Westin Grand was placed on the blacklist after the US Consulate received "multiple theft reports" regarding the shiny monument to over-pricing. The Consulate then directed all US government employees and contractors not to stay there until further notice.

Prices for a single room at the Westin Grand range from R1900 to R4900 a night. But they do throw in breakfast... at high speed with an air of hoity-toity superiority. Has anyone considered that "theft" might be code for "paying the bill"?


A Berlin "cannibal" restaurant advertising for diners to "donate body parts" and an "open-minded surgeon", has been revealed to be a hoax by The German Vegetarian Society or Vebu. They pulled the stunt to highlight consumers' attention to "the evils of meat-eating." said Sebastian Zosch, a Vebu spokesman.

He also mentioned that livestock farming produces massive amounts of greenhouse gases and that becoming a vegetarian would drastically cut water usage worldwide.

However, the message seemed to have fallen on hungry deaf ears. Unconfirmed reports say that the messages were drowned out by the activists own screams when frustrated patrons devoured the whiny-veggie-maggot people.

"Try the leg of Zosch," said one blood-slathered customer, "It's been marinating in its own juices for years"


So, we've all seen Bear Grylls running about on Discovery Channel, drinking his fluids to stay alive. But would you consider drinking some else's piss to get... well, pissed?

http://cdni.wired.co.uk/674x281/o_r/pisskey.png

Now usually you have to pay extra for that kind of action but one James Gilpin has decided to take the urine of old folks and use it to create Gilpin Family Whisky. The product, which Gilpin admits is more of an art piece than a commercial venture, will be bottled with the name and age of the contributor emblazoned on it. That's one way to be immortalized. "Quit hogging grand pa you greedy bastard! I want a taste of him too!!"


And staying with booze, a Texan man has invented deep-fried beer. Made of pretzel dough with a beer-filed pocket in the centre, it's as close to beer ravioli as you'll ever get. Mark Zable, the inventor will be exhibiting his grand design at a deep-friend food contest to be held at the Texas State Fair. And it doesn't lose any alcohol content in the manufacturing process so all those roid-raged bodybuilders out there can finally fulfil their dream of carbo-loading and getting wasted at the same time. Well yeehaw. Now call in the airstrike. We don't need these people breeding.


Sometimes, you're just a douche bag with time on your hands. This was proven when a man was arrested on the end of the runway, at Paris Orly Airport. He was using a laser to blind pilots coming in to land. Unconfirmed reports say that when asked why he was doing it, he said he wanted to ensure that it was indeed their final approach.

Another airline story finds an old lady learning a valuable lesson: Tea is hot, don't try wearing it. A British plane en route to Poland made an emergency landing after a 56-year old woman scalded herself when she spilled her tea. So, they landed the plane, treated her wound, and then took off. The lady took the train instead. Apparently the train serves its tea in sippy cups.


Pussy saves a town! Several actually. The town of Houtong, Taiwan, has experienced a boon in tourism as people come from far and wide to pet the calico-coloured cats that roam free in the streets.

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/c/c1/C0448-Kstovo-Calico-cat-with-kitten.jpg

Coincidentally, there is no Chinese take-away with-in 40 miles of the town.


And elsewhere is the world we find the Iranian Doctor Dolittle. Amir Rahbari, a professional animal trainer, lives in his 20 metre square apartment with his crocodile, three snakes, an eagle and a miniature monkey - for ease of storage, I'm guessing. He describes them as his children, his family. Date night must be fun. Amir has worked on several film and claims he can cure any actor or actress of an animal phobia in 30 minutes. I'll bet, it's the monkey or the croc, your call buddy.


Education is a key stepping stone in life. So naturally, when you're attending a new primary school, you'll need a new pen. One that projects porn... Wait, what?

Children attending the Adolf Reichwein School in Berlin were given traditional gift cones on their first day. The cones contained new pens that, when activated, projected erotic images of women.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/ibftp/2185030651/#/photos/ibftp/2185030651/lightbox/

Giving fap fodder to six-year olds, school's changed since I was a lad. The pens were a gift from the German Communist Party. And they say Communists have no sense of humour. They claim that the pens were bought at a discount store. Mmm, cheap and sleazy, a double-whammy of delight. You guys definitely are with the government.


And finally... while some people flush their money down the toilet, others simply buy the toilet. A poo throne that once belonged to John Lennon, has gone for £9500 at the Beatles week festival auction, held in Liverpool.

http://www.reuters.com/resources/r/?m=02&d=20100830&t=2&i=192994469&w=320&fh=&fw=&ll=&pl=&r=2010-08-30T165518Z_01_BTRE67T1B0900_RTROPTP_0_BRITAIN-LENNON

The Beatle bog was originally removed from Lennon's Berkshire flat after John boy moved out in 1971. It then sat unshat in a builder's shed for 40 years till the builder expired. The defecation saddle was then sent to the auction. The buyer of the porcelain pooping stool, was not identified. I guess because you don't really get girls by saying, "I just bought a famous man's shitter, wanna see it?"

Go figure.


This concludes this week's edition of The Opening Monologue. See you next week and remember, you haven't heard it all till you've heard The Last Say On Sunday.

Goodbye.

Posted by vittorio at 5:41 PM | Comments (0)

Stand-up Comedy @ Tony's Spaghetti Grill

Wednesday the 8th of September 2010
Tony's Spaghetti Grill
The Leaping Frog Garden Centre, Corner of Mulbarton Avenue and William Nicol, Lonehill, Johannesburg, Gauteng.

Directions:
Travel north on William Nicol Drive, past the Fourways Mall Shopping Centre, until you reach The Leaping Frog Garden Shopping Center, on the right hand side, cnr Mulbarton Avenue, Lonehill.

Join me on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=91633385882
Join The Opening Monologue: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=303236570417&ref=ts

Line-up: Mel Miller (MC) and Vittorio Leonardi.

Show Starts: 20:30
Entrance Fee: FREE!

Posted by vittorio at 8:30 PM | Comments (0)

September 9, 2010

Stand-up Comedy @ Jou Ma Se Comedy Club

Thursday the 9th of September 2010
Jou Ma Se Comedy Club

The River Club
Liesbeek Parkway, Observatory

INFO: (+2721) 448 7906
BOOK ONLINE: http://www.webtickets.co.za/event.aspx?itemid=1866273

JMSCC WEBSITE: http://www.kurt.co.za/jmscc/riverclub.asp

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Line-up: Vittorio Leonardi (MC), Anne Hirsch, Akhona Ndiki and Magic Man.

Show Starts: 20:30
Entrance Fee: R70 or R35 for Students

Posted by vittorio at 8:30 PM | Comments (0)

September 10, 2010

Stand-up Comedy @ Boston Bar-B-Q, Mykonos Casino

Friday the 10th of September 2010
Boston Bar-B-Q

Mykonos Casino
Leentjiesklip Road, Langebaan, Western Cape,
South Africa

BOOKINGS: (+2722) 707 6975

Join me on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?v=info&gid=91633385882
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Line-up: Vittorio Leonardi and Magic Man.

Show Starts: 21:00
Entrance Fee: R85 including buffet.

Posted by vittorio at 9:00 PM | Comments (0)

September 14, 2010

The Opening Monologue - 14/09/2010

The Opening Monologue - Tuesday the 14th of September 2010
Written by Vittorio Leonardi.


Good evening.

This week may be a slightly angrier Monologue than normal. Over the past week, I've seen what cannot be unseen; I've read about humans that should've been deleted years ago and, more often than not, I've encountered the ever present truth that beggars honestly think that I'll believe their long-winded sob stories about sisters and children that don't exist and how R2 or a sandwich can fix what ails them.

It seems the smart ones among us usually aren't homeless. Take heart in that.

For these and many other reasons, I'd like to ask the internet as a whole the following question:

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?!

Allow me to explain...

We can all remember when the credit crunch came along and, ever so gently, booted us in our collective squidgy bits. On the upside, it seems that being frugal is now very fashionable. Unfortunately, it didn't take long for those a**holes at the home shopping networks to catch on.

They've put a spin on it and right away have tried to turn frugality into cash. People are again spending money on cash saving items which is kind of like f***ing for virginity.

Here's a thought. Before you buy the wonderful, shiny, oh-that's-such-a-pretty gadget, ask yourself: "Am I about to be boned by the liars again and do I really need this item?"

One device that springs to mind beeps when your milk is going to go off. For $10 less, you could simply have CHECKED THE DAMN EXPIRY DATE YOU LAZY SHIT!


Speaking of gadgetry, a new headset called the XWave may make mind control a reality. At least on your iPod. Apparently the device rests on your forehead, picking up the electrical signals that change along with your thoughts. If it works, it'll be a boon for quadriplegics and the like.

http://dvice.com/assets_c/2010/09/xwavecontrol1-thumb-550xauto-46441.jpg

But let's face it, we all know it'll be fat f***s at home that'll be using it to change the channel, use their RC truck to get beer and using it mentally dial the pizza den to order even more take-out.

And all that without even having to move an engorged limb.

On the upside, it means the morbidly obese will be dead sooner and they can stop being a burden on the Earth's axis.

Yay, a happy ending.

Note: If you found that last bit offensive, go for a jog, tubbo.


Chris Van Niekerk, the guy that played Francois on 7de Laan, has proven that the drugs do work. He was busted at Bloemfontein Airport with a dastardly amount of weed: A whole 0,015g of weed, a whole R100 worth. Conveniently, that's what they fined him. He paid the fine and he still made his flight.

Wow, R100 worth of weed. Book him skippy! He's carrying enough weed to give a toddler the munchies... almost.

Isn't it great to know that even in Bloemfontein, your taxes are being spent to harass people that, if they were high could threaten nothing except a buffet?

When asked why he had the weed, he said his doctor prescribed it to him for pain management. Now I thought he was taking it to deal with the trauma of doing 7de Laan. It seems that Mr. Van Niekerk has broken his neck... twice. Dude, a gun is so much quicker.


Meet the ReD Foxes.

http://englishrussia.com/index.php/2010/09/04/banned-beauties/

They're a dance team. They've been banned from performing at the FIBA basketball championships where Muslim teams are playing, this year.

Why? Their onstage dresses have been claimed to be too provocative by the audience.

I don't know about you guys but there's a reason I hate test audiences. No one will ever choose what porn I ponder.


A man broke into a house in Redhill, Surrey in the early hours of the morning to steal bacon.

What?

That's right; he stole a pack of bacon. That's all... just bacon. However, just to make things weird, he left one rasher of pig flesh on the door knob of the front door as he left.

Why leave the rasher? Because when the munchies hit, sharing is caring.

Remember kids, when burglars get stoned, lock up your fridges.


Students at The University of Baltimore can now enjoy studying the undead. Arnold Bloomberg, author of "Zombiemania" will be teaching the course. The course is said to be must for anyone joining Parliament.


The Romanian Government has decided that it won't be taxing witches and fortune tellers. If passed, the law would have required all soothsayers to provide receipts and would have held them liable for false predictions.

No protests were given when the law was originally drafted. I guess the ladies foresaw this one coming.


A study done in Europe has found out what dance moves are more likely to attract the ladies. Apparently, men who move their necks and trunks more to the beat are most likely to attract women.

Of course they will. Let's just hope that their laughing doesn't drown out the music.

"A good dancer displays larger and more variable movements in relation to bending and twisting movements of their head/neck and torso, and faster bending and twisting movements of their right knee." Said the researchers.

Well, hell boys, well done. You've successfully mapped out a fit.

Speaking of fancy footwork, The Aussies have been told to respect the Hakka and not to approach the Kiwis while it's being performed, lest they wish to be fined.

This proves my theory that rugby is becoming a little effeminate. The Hakka is a dance of aggression, but don't come near us while we're performing or we'll scratch your eyes out, you scare us you big brutes!


And finally... some fishermen practice catch-and-release. Others, however, seem to be practicing catch, drag it to shore and man the harpoons.

It took Raphael Biagini ten minutes to reel in the monster on his line. When he finally caught it, he met this:

http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2010/09/07/article-1309880-0B11B738000005DC-848_634x434.jpg


That is a goldfish. A genuine, 30lb, no-bowl-ever-made-is-big-enough-for-this-mutant goldfish. Has anyone checked the factory effluent flowing into this lake?

After taking a few photos with the orange behemoth, Biagini released the beast back into the water, much to the annoyance of fellow fisherman.

Apparently, Biagini caught the monster koi carp just after being told by fellow anglers that for years, they'd been trying to catch the legendary "giant goldfish."

Proving once again that a younger man will always have better luck catching something fishy.


This concludes this week's edition of The Opening Monologue. See you next week and remember, you haven't heard it all till you've heard The Last Say On Sunday.

Goodbye.

Posted by vittorio at 8:00 PM | Comments (0)

September 15, 2010

Improv Comedy @ Parker's Comedy & Jive

Wednesday the 15th of September 2010

Parker's Comedy & Jive
Shop 24 (Entrance 1)
Montecasino, Montecasino Boulevard, (C/o William Nicol and Witkoppen Roads), Fourways, Sandton, Gauteng, South Africa.

Website: http://www.parkerscomedy.com/ and http://www.parkerleisure.co.za/
Bookings: (+2711) 511 0081

BOOK AT COMPUTICKET:
http://www.computicket.com/web/event/parker_s_comedy_15_september/206255905?referer=highlights/index/57/1/tomorrow/grid

Join my Facebook group at: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=91633385882&v=info
Join The Opening Monologue at: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=303236570417

Line-up: Darren Maule (MC), Improv Express. And your headliner for the evening: US comic Adam Richmond

Show Starts: 20:30
Entrance Fee: R70

Posted by vittorio at 8:30 PM | Comments (0)

September 17, 2010

Stand-up Comedy @ The Supersport Bar, Carnival City

Friday the 17th of September, 2010
The Supersport Action Bar

Carnival City, Cnr Century and Elsburg Road, Brakpan, Johannesburg, Gauteng, South Africa, 1540.

Carnival City URL: http://www.suninternational.com/Destinations/Casinos/CarnivalCity/Pages/default.aspx
Telephone: (+27 11) 898 7000
Facsimile: (+27 11) 898 7024

Join me on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=91633385882
Join The Opening Monologue: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=303236570417&ref=ts

Line-up: Darren Maule (MC), US Comic Adam Richmond, Warren Robertson and Vittorio Leonardi.

Show Starts: 21:00
Entrance Fee: R50 and includes entrance to the dance show at 20:00

Posted by vittorio at 9:00 PM | Comments (0)

September 18, 2010

Stand-up Comedy @ The Supersport Bar, Carnival City

Saturday the 18th of September, 2010
The Supersport Action Bar

Carnival City, Cnr Century and Elsburg Road, Brakpan, Johannesburg, Gauteng, South Africa, 1540.

Carnival City URL: http://www.suninternational.com/Destinations/Casinos/CarnivalCity/Pages/default.aspx
Telephone: (+27 11) 898 7000
Facsimile: (+27 11) 898 7024

Join me on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=91633385882
Join The Opening Monologue: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=303236570417&ref=ts

Line-up: Darren Maule (MC), US Comic Adam Richmond, Warren Robertson and Vittorio Leonardi.

Show Starts: 21:00
Entrance Fee: R50 and includes entrance to the dance show at 20:00

Posted by vittorio at 9:00 PM | Comments (0)

September 21, 2010

Stand-up Comedy @ Cool Runnings, Victory Park

Tuesday the 21st of September 2010
Stand-up Comedy @ Cool Runnings, Victory Park

Cool Runnings, Victory Park
Shop 28, Victory Park Shopping Centre
Rustenburg Rd, Victory Park

Tel: +27 (11) 888 7633/4
Fax: +27 (11) 888 7628

Join me on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=91633385882&v=info
Join The Opening Monologue: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=303236570417&ref=ts

Line-up: Mojack (MC), Robert Fridjhon and Vittorio Leonardi.

Show Starts: 20:45
Entrance Fee: FREE!!

Posted by vittorio at 8:45 PM | Comments (0)

September 22, 2010

The Opening Monologue - 22/09/2010

The Opening Monologue - Wednesday the 22nd of September 2010
Written by Vittorio Leonardi.


Good evening.

What a wonderful experience it is to welcome back Summer: a season that brings with it all the joys of insects, hayfever, blinding glare, sweating more people juice than you thought a human body could produce, and the eternal search for a comfortable seat with built-in air conditioning.

With such wonders happening every day, it's no wonder some folks are going bonkers.

It would seem that the world is nuttier than the week before. The kid gloves are off as the cops get one step closer to blowing away suspects, Satan rears his head in a bathroom, the Pope shows he's still a grumpy pants at heart, the Feds ban a teenager from the US and we have this week's dumbest burglar. With all that to look forward to, we can ignore the fact that summer is here and the living is sweaty.

South Africa took another step towards becoming an old Western as cabinet passed the Shoot To Kill Bill allowing cops to frag suspects during the course of an arrest. The powers that be have said that the shooting of a suspect solely to carry out an arrest is permitted in very limited circumstances. These include:

1. The theft and/or driving of a Hyundai. With the word Dai in the title, you're asking for it.

2. Attempted intimidation with a BB gun.

3. Singing De La Rey at a Pirates-Chiefs soccer match.

4. Being a Metro Police officer on strike.


The list is still under review.


Speaking of crime and criminals, this is would-be burglar, Anthony Gawthrop.

http://i.telegraph.co.uk/telegraph/multimedia/archive/01715/Anthony-Gawthrop_1715056c.jpg

Captain Hoodie over here decided it would be okay to help a mate steal a laptop. All would've gone swimmingly had the fine fellow not made one slight miscalculation.... he left his cellphone at the crime scene. The cops identified him with the pictures on it.

So, once again, this is what a dumbass looks like:

http://i.telegraph.co.uk/telegraph/multimedia/archive/01715/Anthony-Gawthrop_1715056c.jpg

Handsome devil yes?

But wait, there's more: he has three previous convictions for burglary! First he claimed that his phone had been conveniently nicked an hour and a half before the crime. He even smsed his phone saying, "Whoever has got my phone better give it back."

But the judge is having none of it. Back to jail with you.

Dude, after four strikes, I'd thought you would've learned that this is not your game. Try something less taxing... like walking and breathing at the same time.


Staying with English buffoonery, a 17-year old UK teen has gotten himself banned from the US for life after he sent an abusive email to the White House.

Harsh much?

Perhaps. But the problem is, his email was addressed to Barack Obama.

Meet the sender of the inflammatory email - Luke Angel:

http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2010/09/13/article-1311701-0B2C6E3B000005DC-365_224x339.jpg

Wow. So gay.

Here's what went down: Luke got drunk, watched a conspiracy theory documentary about the September 11th attacks, got pissed off by the show and decided to tell Obama exactly what he thought of him. Apparently, he thinks he may have called President Obama a prick. Nice one dude.

Thought: Bush was president during 9/11.

Another thought: It's that easy to get in touch with a world leader?

But the news is not all bad. Rush Limbaugh, Pat Robertson and Al-Qaeda want to make Luke their Angel. See, a happy ending.


Those of you that thought the seating on Mango was cramped, hold onto your sleeping bottoms. These are the latest in space-saving airline chairs.

This is the new SkyRider:

http://i.telegraph.co.uk/telegraph/multimedia/archive/01715/plane-seat_1715014c.jpg

http://i.telegraph.co.uk/telegraph/multimedia/archive/01715/seat_1715015c.jpg

http://i.telegraph.co.uk/telegraph/multimedia/archive/01715/seat3_1715016c.jpg

Well, yeehaw.

*Facepalm*

These Inquisition-approved wonder chairs are the brainfart of Italian company, Aviointeriors Group. Methinks these prats haven't ever flown in economy class.

A few of the design features on these babies include all your weight being put on your legs for the duration of your flight and even more passengers crammed into planes.

While the designers say their chair is comfortable, they don't recommend using it on anything longer than a three-hour flight.

Is that all? Well what the hell was I worried about?

Comfortable, my aching ass!

"For flights anywhere from one to possibly even up to three hours ... this would be comfortable seating. The seat ... is like a saddle. Cowboys ride eight hours on their horses during the day and still feel comfortable in the saddle."

Now I reckon you ain't ever been in a saddle before, have ya boy?

Yeah, sure, if you're nine it's comfortable in a saddle. Even a bucket seat is comfy at that age. The problem for some of us is that our buckets are bigger than their seats.


The Pope was on a roll this week, both figuratively and literally, in his faith-in-action armour-plated Pontiff purveyor.

http://uvcarmel.files.wordpress.com/2008/04/popemobile_may_2007.jpg

He had a fun time in Britain dodging any issues of actual importance like why paedophile priests are still in the Divine Fiddler Protection Programme.

Instead he focussed on sending one of his Cardinals packing after the red cap called the UK a third-world country. He also alluded that atheism was to blame for the atrocities committed by the Nazis.

All of this while ignoring the slight issue of Pope Benedict having been a Hitler youth, albeit an unenthusiastic one.

Oh well, I guess so.

That whole "The Pope's infallible" thing means he's always right. It must come in handy, especially during Trivial Pursuit. Besides, all those speeches Hitler gave describing himself as a Christian, that God was behind the Nazis and that atheism was a cancer of the communists... I guess he was just talking smack on those days.

Some things you've just got to take on faith.


And finally... Remodelling the bathroom can be a great bonding experience with your spouse: you choose your tiles, the matching paint, decide on the shower, bath and toilet fittings, all the while cementing the bond between you and you partner.

And then Satan appears in the tiles.

Pardon?

http://img.thesun.co.uk/multimedia/archive/01125/devil-682_1125993a.jpg

Yup, Old Scratch has decided to appear in the one place he can cause maximum damage - a Hungarian bathroom. Hell yeah! That'll get the apocalypse started up right quick.

It seems Laszlo Csrefko and his wife, Andrea, blew a bundle getting their bathroom redone. But tragedy struck when Andrea tried out the shower. She stepped out of the steam and vapour and lo and behold, the serpent was in her midst. And not her husband's either.

She said: "I was naked coming out of the shower and I could suddenly see his eyes staring into me. I just screamed and ran."

Laszlo added: "We can't clean it off and it wasn't there when we put the tiles up. It just appeared overnight and nothing can move it."

Tried a hammer yet?

"The room is always ice cold no matter how high we turn the heating up and we've just stopped using it because it's too spooky."

But it does aid in a successful bowl movement.

After getting over the initial shock, the couple decided on a rational course of action: an exorcism to cleanse the bathroom of evil spirits.

*Sigh*

Have they considered Mr. Muscle? Or perhaps inviting over some Jehovah's Witnesses? No one sticks around for long when the door knockers arrive.

Laszlo said: "We need some help from God or from the spirit world or we're going to seal up the room forever."

Or the spirit world, huh? Well at least they're keeping their options open. You never know, The Ghost of Poopies Past could turn up any day now.


This concludes this week's edition of The Opening Monologue. See you next week and remember, you haven't heard it all till you've heard The Last Say On Sunday.

Goodbye.

Posted by vittorio at 5:27 AM | Comments (0)

September 23, 2010

Stand-up Comedy @ The Keg & Filly

Thursday the 23rd of September 2010

The Keg & Filly
4 Tambach Rd, Omli Office Park, Sunninghill

BOOKINGS: (+2711) 807 5589 / 90

Join me on Facebook at: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=91633385882
Join The Opening Monologue at: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=303236570417&v=wall&ref=ts

Line-up: Vittorio Leonardi (MC), Dale Amler and Dave Levinsohn.

Show starts: 20:30
NO ENTRANCE FEE!

Posted by vittorio at 8:30 PM | Comments (0)

September 29, 2010

The Opening Monologue - 29/09/2010

The Opening Monologue - Wednesday the 29th of September 2010
Written by Vittorio Leonardi.


Good evening.

The last few days have been ones of great expectations: A time when I hope that it rains; that people realise that we're all on THE SAME planet and should share it; that the homeless realise that just because I'm big doesn't mean I know where the food is; and that the planetary cull of the stupid will soon be kicking off. But, as I looked at yesterday's sky, with heavy clouds but no rain, I realised that the sky and clouds were acting like the strippers at Teazer's: The clouds are happy to show us how potentially wet everything could get, but we won't get to touch any of that moisture. Ever.

So, with that pent up frustration I deliver you another list of whom you should never let touch you on your studio.


It's possible that Moses was a big windbag after all. Scientists at The National Centre for Atmospheric Research and The University of Colorado have used computer simulations that suggest that wind could have caused the parting of The Red Sea.

https://www2.ucar.edu/sites/default/files/news/2010/redsea_a_UCAR-final.jpg

According to them its highly plausible (they would think so since it's their grant money on the line) that a wind of 63 miles per hour, blowing through the night, could have caused the land bridge needed to for the Israelites to get away and later, drown several pyramid builders.

The problem is that a 63 mph wind is the equivalent of a gale force tornado. So unless the Israelites were towing a trailer park, this theory seems full of hot air.


Moving off world now, it seems the full moon is always the subject of some fascination: did we land there? Why do some members of the family need shaving when it's full? And why does baring your ass to strangers get referred to as mooning? Well, a Belgium beer company has decided to use the power of the autumnal full moon in brewing a new beer that encompasses all that clout. It's called Paix-Dieu or Peace-God. With an alcohol volume of 10% per bottle, it's likely that's what you'll say after knocking back six of these.

http://www.reuters.com/resources/r/?m=02&d=20100924&t=2&i=211333109&w=320&fh=&fw=&ll=&pl=&r=2010-09-24T171444Z_01_BTRE68N1BWO00_RTROPTP_0_LIFE-BELGIUM-BEER

"We made several tests and noticed that the fermentation was more vigorous, more active," explained Roger Caulier, the owner of Brewery Caulier. "The end product was completely different, stronger, with a taste lasting longer in the mouth," he said.

Tell you what spanky, you drink a few of those and pass out, there's a whole other reason why you're got a funny taste in your mouth.


Statistically, a jury is more likely to find a good-looking person innocent. If that's the case, then this lady is so screwed.

http://www.reuters.com/resources/r/?m=02&d=20100924&t=2&i=211263707&w=390&fh=390&fw=&ll=&pl=&r=2010-09-24T152919Z_01_BTRE68N170Z00_RTROPTP_0_BELGIUM-MURDER-PARACHUTE

http://www.reuters.com/resources/r/?m=02&d=20100924&t=2&i=211263705&w=390&fh=390&fw=&ll=&pl=&r=2010-09-24T152919Z_01_BTRE68N170X00_RTROPTP_0_BELGIUM-MURDER-PARACHUTE

Meet Els Clottemans. She was in a love triangle with Els Van Doren and Marcel Somers. She stands accused of murdering Van Dorens so she could have Somers all to herself. And now for the fun facts:

1. She is accused of murdering Van Doren by sabotaging her chute sending the victim on a 14000 feet freefall.

2. The accused is an experienced ski diver.

3. The accused was diagnosed by psychiatrists as "showing signs that she suffers from a psychopathic disorder."

4. My favourite fact: The accused is an elementary school teacher.

So... once again, meet Els Clottermans.

http://www.reuters.com/resources/r/?m=02&d=20100924&t=2&i=211263707&w=390&fh=390&fw=&ll=&pl=&r=2010-09-24T152919Z_01_BTRE68N170Z00_RTROPTP_0_BELGIUM-MURDER-PARACHUTE

Oh yeah, she's pwned. Away to the puzzle factory with her!


Now on to fashion and first-aid. I'll explain. A fashion designer and a professor of particle technology have banded together to create a new fabric - spray-on clothing.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ScvdFeh1aOw

http://www.reuters.com/news/video?videoId=162840746

When testing is complete, the substance will be packaged in an aerosol can to allow for an instant wardrobe change at the press of a nozzle. And as to the medical applications, the cloth, once inside the can, is sterile and can be used as a spray-on bandage. The upside - unlike bandage packs, the contents of the can can't be exposed to the air and so can be reused.

So now, even the homeless can look fabulous dahling!


Moving to Tirana, Albania and this week's dumbest criminals. Two men were arrested while attempting to tunnel into a bank.

http://www.reuters.com/resources/r/?m=02&d=20100922&t=2&i=209822115&w=390&fh=390&fw=&ll=&pl=&r=2010-09-22T182043Z_01_BTRE68L1EYL00_RTROPTP_0_ALBANIA-BANK

http://www.reuters.com/resources/r/?m=02&d=20100922&t=2&i=209822114&w=390&fh=390&fw=&ll=&pl=&r=2010-09-22T182043Z_01_BTRE68L1EYM00_RTROPTP_0_ALBANIA-BANK

Their plan seemed fool-proof, not realising they were a better brand of fool. The gents rented a store above the bank and from there, decided to tunnel into the bank.

Two problems:

1. The techniques they used is similar to the plot of the Woody Allen film "Small Time Crooks" (Irony).

2. They forgot that sound travels. They were nabbed when the noise from their drilling between the upper floor shop and the bank vault alerted the authorities.

"We moved in when they were in the last stages of finishing the tunnel," Tirana police chief Tonin Vocaj told reporters.

Curses, foiled again. Damn you, physics!


Germany now where police seized what might have been the early makings of another visit to Poland. German authorities confiscated 86 weapons, dating from World Wars 1 & 2, from the house of a Bavarian man that had died two years ago. The arsenal included assault rifles, revolvers, tommy guns, 21 detonators and explosive devices, seven hand grenades, 23 metal boxes containing various types of munitions... and a partridge in a pear treeeeee!

The cache was discovered by the deceased man's son after he was clearing out the house. No word yet as to the rumour that grandpa died by accidentally shooting himself. It's not like he wasn't spoiled for choice. If you're going to frag yourself, go out with a classic.

In response to the story, the Polish have fortified their borders while the French have surrendered.


Onward to Mexico where grabbing a bite has just become easier. It seems that at least 280 crocodiles have escaped from a refuge near the Gulf of Mexico after Hurricane Karl swept through the area.

http://www.reuters.com/resources/r/?m=02&d=20100924&t=2&i=211249374&w=390&fh=390&fw=&ll=&pl=&r=2010-09-24T150314Z_01_BTRE68N15TH00_RTROPTP_0_MEXICO-CROCODILES

Depending on whom you ask the numbers of escapees varies between 280 and 400 crocs. These ancient dinosaurs can grow up to 10 feet long, like long swims in the moonlight and unsuspecting campers on a late-night swim.

No word yet as to the rumour that Hurricane Karl was paid off to effect the crocodiles release although authorities say that somebody wearing alligator shoes had greatly disturbed the creatures two days before.

In an unrelated story, 15 border-crossers, 95 border guards and 17 drug mules have also gone missing.


In what some may call mistake number one, Dublin police have decided to send "test" youths to pubs. They are to check if landlords are abiding by the laws prohibiting the sale of booze to under 18's. The plan is to get permission from their parents first as I doubt there will be any problem getting volunteers. Some 16 year olds may even take it as a challenge. On the list of other possible targets: sending the youths to a casino and then, a strip club. No booze, no gambling and no live boobies. No wonder the youth of the UK are going all Mr Stabby.

http://images.mirror.co.uk/upl/m4/jan2009/6/4/028695BB-EE00-F3D1-998E41C58A4E7534.jpg


And finally... sometimes you read a story and find it very difficult to feel sorry for the victim. Such was my impression in the case of Jimi Heselden, aged 62.

http://uktodaynews.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/09/Heselden.jpg

Jimi Hesleden was a multi-millionaire and, till recently, the owner of the Segway Company - the company responsible for these things.

http://www.broadbandsoup.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/08/segway.jpg

Three guess as to why I'm speaking about Jimi in the past tense. Well it seems that Jimi was out doing this:

http://www.segway.com/img/content/take-a-ride-4.jpg

On one of these:

http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2010/09/27/article-1315518-0B60BA9A000005DC-70_468x580.jpg

When this happened:

http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2010/09/28/article-1315518-0B60D492000005DC-924_468x417.jpg

The moral of the story: No matter how much cash you have, what you own, how much you donate to charity and what a nice person you are, a sense of direction and situational awareness will always be priceless.


This concludes this week's edition of The Opening Monologue. See you next week and remember, you haven't heard it all till you've heard The Last Say On Sunday.

Goodbye.

Posted by vittorio at 5:06 PM | Comments (0)

Stand-up Comedy @ Tings an' Times

Wednesday the 29th of September 2010
Tings an' Times

1065 Arcadia Street, Hatfield, Pretoria, Gauteng, South Africa.

Join me on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=91633385882
Join The Opening Monologue: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=303236570417&ref=ts

Line-up: Vittorio Leonardi (MC), Deep Fried Man and Joey Rasdien.

Doors Open: 19:00

Show Starts: 20:30
Entrance Fee: R30

Posted by vittorio at 8:30 PM | Comments (0)

September 30, 2010

Stand-up Comedy @ Mojito's

Thursday the 30th of September 2010
Mojito's

Pick n Pay Centre, Terrace Road, Edenvale

Come join us for an evening of Stand-up Comedy brought to you by Mojito's and Nomad Comedy.

http://www.nomadcomedy.co.za/

Join me on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?v=info&gid=91633385882
Join The Opening Monologue: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=303236570417&ref=ts

Line-up: Vittorio Leonardi (MC), Chris Forrest and Deep Fried Man.

Show Starts: 20:30
Entrance Fee: R30

Posted by vittorio at 8:30 PM | Comments (0)