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August 3, 2010

The Opening Monologue - 03/08/2010

The Opening Monologue - Tuesday the 3rd of August 2010
Written by Vittorio Leonardi.

Good evening.

This week I thought I'd try something a little different. It seems that fortune and good friends have blessed me with a wealth of stories that, while bearing no great weight of importance when it comes to world affairs, still need to be told. What these stories did show me is that the planet is filled with some truly special, demented, creepy, nutty, irresponsible and stupid people. It is those people that I will present to you tonight. On the upside, for the rest of your days, if you ever feel yourself slipping towards madness, you can take heart in the fact that you are nowhere near the house of dementia that these people inhabit.

So let's start in Asia. Malaysia actually...

Religious fundamentalism is a part of the daily human experience in this new century and it seems that for most of its followers, it has become less fun and more mental. This was proven recently when Islamic clerics in Malaysia decided to strike a firm blow for good taste. They have banned the wearing of Manchester United kit in public. The reasoning is that the shirt bears the red devil - the club symbol - and have branded it "dangerous and unislamic." Man U fans responded rationally, accusing the nation's imams of being Liverpool supporters.

I guess these lads prefer to walk alone.

Also on the do-not-wear list is anything that has Christian symbols on it which puts Brazil, Portugal and Serbia out of the running.

One has to wonder... are they planning to host a world cup at some point and are simply thinning the herd?

Keep in mind that the other spanking good idea they had was the banning of yoga because of its links to the Hindu faith.

What's next? Banning the Twilight saga for its homosexual overtones?


However, not to be outdone, The Vatican has extended its ban on revealing outfits in St. Peter's Basilica. The modesty ban now covers the whole of the Vatican city-state. Now, should you want to visit the Pontiff's Palace, best you hide your knees and shoulders. Some might scoff at this saying that a group known for kiddie fiddling should be the last to squawk about modesty. But let's think about it, they have done all the research on bad practices, now it's time to put it into action. Either that, or open a theme park called Casa De Pedo-Bear.

Policing this new dress code are the Swiss Guards, the Pope's personal protection force. If you ever wanted to know what a meringue with an axe to grind looks like... look no further.

http://frmarkdwhite.files.wordpress.com/2009/12/swiss-guard.jpg


Sometimes the love goes right out of a relationship. You can get so bored that you hardly realise that the other person is there. This might have been the case with a paralysed Austrian man that died recently in Vienna.

Some of you might want to skip ahead. This part is rather icky

He was eaten by maggots, in his bed, while his partner slept beside him.

I told you to skip ahead.

The 61-year old retiree had been paralysed from a stroke for several years and since then hadn't liked to be washed according to his 34-year old partner.

Eeew.

So she just left him there.

For several years.

Till he was being eaten alive by maggots.

They slept next to each other every night and she didn't notice?

Didn't she once think, "Wow, he's really getting thin. And what the heck is that chewing noise?"

I guess the song was right. He's lost that loving feeling.


If you go out in the woods today
you're sure of a big surprise.
If you go out in the woods today
you'd better go in disguise.

For every bear that ever there was
will gather there for certain, because
Today's the day they break in your house and steal your car.

The bears are revolting and I don't mean the ones from Chicago. In two separate incidents, bears have been committing high crimes. A black bear in Laconia, New Hampshire, walked into a house and helped itself to fruit, a drink from the goldfish bowl and a toy bear before being scared off by an opening garage door. 2000 miles away in Larkspur, Colorado, a bear climbed into a car, a 2008 Toyota Corolla. It then closed the door; put the car in neutral activated the hazard lights and rode that sucker backwards, 38m down an embankment and into a thicket of trees.

All the way it screamed, "Dude, this ain't my car!!"


It has been decided that there is far too much fornication going on in the state of Florida. In response to this terrible situation, a professor at the University of Central Florida has created an interactive video game to curb young girls' enthusiasm.

http://www.myfoxorlando.com/dpp/news/orange_news/072610ucf-developing-virtual-game-about-sex

The game - costing 434000 federal tax dollars - will teach young girls how to ignore the sexual advances of boys with wood. It's only fair since World of Warcraft is already protecting the virginity of young men worldwide.

However, the curbing of adolescent sex may be detrimental to their learning capacity. A recent study performed on rats by Princeton University scientists has found that sex can actually grow your brain and let you live a life with less angst and stress.

But, I hear you thinking, then pornstars should be geniuses. There is an answer. The scientists say that regular but not daily sex is beneficial to cell proliferation.

Put simply, a hump every two weeks will give you rosy cheeks.
But a hump a day may not keep the dumbass away.


This can be clearly illustrated by a Cleveland man that got married to a second wife while still being legally married to his first. His first wife found out about the second wife... through pictures posted on Facebook!

And here's the husband's excuse: According to the husband's lawyer, the first marriage isn't legal because of a clerical error that occurred in Italy where they were wed. Wife number one has had two children by him. That's a big clerical error. And I'm guessing they're not bastards either. Nope. That title is reserved for daddy.

If you take anything from this tale, realise that Facebook has at least shown all of us who in our lives can be trusted and who the stupid people really are.


Ann Rice, author of Interview With a Vampire declared on her Facebook page that she is no longer Christian. She said she refused to be Christian anymore because she couldn't be "anti gay, anti-feminist and anti-artificial birth control."

Unconfirmed reports say that the true cause of this declaration was when Rice's Lestat fell in love with Stephanie Meyer's Edward Cullin. Apparently, you can now see the forest sparkling from space.


If you've ever thought you should be kinder to your grandparents, spare a thought for Tokyo's oldest man. Sogen Kato had just celebrated his 111th birthday but when city officials came to visit him they found him dead. He had been dead for about 30 years.

But wait, there's more.

Authorities had repeatedly tried to call on the famous old man but were always chased off by relatives. Upon finally forcing their way into the house, they found Mr. Kato, or rather his mummified corpse, dressed in pyjamas and underwear - in case the afterlife got scary, I suppose - and covered with a blanket. The family's story is that he confined himself to his room 30 years ago and became a living Buddha. In the meantime, his relatives had the presence of mind to keep collecting his welfare cheques.

A case of DO NOT DISTURB being taken too far.


And finally... Have you ever seen a YouTube clip or watched the actions of someone at a braai and thought "WTF?!" Well, it can be safely assumed that that's exactly the kind of reaction the lads at BrewDog in Aberdeenshire were going for. BrewDog makes beer, some of the strongest in the world with two of its products having a 32% and 41% alcohol content respectively. Their latest product, called The End of History, has an alcohol content of 55%!

Now while your liver is reeling from the shock, your wallet may as well get in line. The beer is selling for £500 or R5800.

But wait, there's more.

How would you expect to receive this bottle of liver rot?

In a stylish carrying case? Perhaps borne on the backs of vestal virgins?

Nope.

The lads at BrewDog thought it would be brilliant to hand you this fine bottle of hooliganism wrapped... in roadkill. That's right. You can down this fabulous Chateau Chunder while eye to eye with a dead stoat. Several in fact. The bottles were made with seven dead stoats, four squirrels and a hare... just to give it that extra kick I guess. Have look for yourself.

http://www.brewdog.com/uploaded_images/brewdog_taxidermy211_534.jpg

Despite the obvious public outcry, the lads assured everyone that the animals used were roadkill. At whose hands, one wonders?

Next time you need a thought to clear your mind, conjure up this story. And never let it be said that you don't know what WTF looks like.


This concludes this week's edition of The Opening Monologue. See you next week and remember, you haven't heard it all till you've heard The Last Say On Sunday.

Goodbye.

Posted by vittorio at 8:33 PM | Comments (0)

August 4, 2010

Improv Comedy @ Parker's Comedy & Jive

Wednesday the 4th of August 2010

Parker's Comedy & Jive
Shop 24 (Entrance 1)
Montecasino, Montecasino Boulevard, (C/o William Nicol and Witkoppen Roads), Fourways, Sandton, Gauteng, South Africa.

Website: http://www.parkerscomedy.com/ and http://www.parkerleisure.co.za/
Bookings: (+2711) 511 0081

BOOK AT COMPUTICKET:
http://www.computicket.com/web/event/parker_s_comedy_4_august/205534113

Join my Facebook group at: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=91633385882&v=info
Join The Opening Monologue at: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=303236570417

Line-up: Joe Parker (MC), Improv Express featuring Monique Nortje, Vittorio Leonardi and Melt Sieberhagen. And your headliner for the evening: US Comic Danny Lobell

Show Starts: 20:30
Entrance Fee: R70

Posted by vittorio at 8:30 PM | Comments (0)

August 5, 2010

Stand-up Comedy @ The Keg & Eagle

Thursday the 5th of August 2010

The Keg & Eagle
Shop 34, Retail Crossing, Cnr. Nic Diedrichs Blvd and Hendrik Potgieter Rd, West Rand

Bookings: (+2711) 679 1178

Join me on Facebook at: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=91633385882
Join The Opening Monologue at: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=303236570417&v=wall&ref=ts

Line-up: Tony King (MC), Ryan Whittal, Vittorio Leonardi and Magic Man.

Show starts: 20:30

Posted by vittorio at 8:30 PM | Comments (0)

August 6, 2010

Stand-up Comedy @ The Keg & Knight

Friday the 6th of August 2010

The Keg & Knight
Rynfield Terrace
C/o Pretoria and Vlei Rd, Rynfield

Bookings: (+2711) 968 1072

Join me on Facebook at: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=91633385882
Join The Opening Monologue at: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=303236570417&v=wall&ref=ts

Line-up: Vittorio Leonardi (MC), Hannes Brummer and Melt Sieberhagen.

Show starts: 20:30

Posted by vittorio at 8:30 PM | Comments (0)

August 10, 2010

The Opening Monologue - 10/08/2010

The Opening Monologue - Tuesday the 3rd of August 2010
Written by Vittorio Leonardi.

Good evening.

In my eternal search for stories on and off the net, I noticed something that was simple and, some might say, arbitrary. But it was a realization nonetheless.

Most of us will have heard the term "differently able". It's a term used when referring to the handicapped. It is from the same brain trust that brought us that other grotesque evasion: calling the handicapped, the "handi-capable". Well, I've found mounting evidence, almost every day in fact, that there are people among us that should be called the "differently thoughtful".

They think in different ways. Ways that often lead to destruction. Thankfully, it's usually their own. You may have encountered the Professors of this group while reading the latest list of Darwin Award winners. But, as with any competition, there are so many names left out. These folks should get an honourable mention.

Well, fear not, because in this world, everyone's a winner. No one's left out. So I present you with a list of folks that, if they tried harder, could just make the Darwin Awards list yet. We can only hope.

Comfy?

Right, let's begin.

Frances Rodriguez's husband won't be winning awards for his observational skills any time soon. Mr. Rodriguez awoke on a Saturday morning to find his wife gone. He thought that she might have gone for an early morning walk so he thought nothing more of it. But after 14 hours and still no sign of her, he called the police. The police searched the house first and found Frances, or rather her foot. It was protruding from under a pile of laundry...in the bedroom.

I guess it is possible to get too comfortable with your partner after all.

The police said that Mrs. Rodriguez was sitting on the edge of the bed, fell fowl of an existing medical condition and collapsed into a rack of clothing that fell over her, concealing her.

The police believe she had been there for several days.

Several days?

Are you kidding me? Let me guess... he's using the old "I had sinusitis so I couldn't smell my wife's corpse" routine, huh?

Staying with smashing spouses, Theresa Riggi decided that if she was going to lose the kids in a custody fight, she would do the honourable thing: kidnap them and blow them up.

Wait... what?

Mrs. Riggi was in divorce proceedings with her husband, US oil industry executive, Pasquale Riggi, when she disappeared with their three daughters. The children were found in an Edinburgh townhouse after it was destroyed in a gas explosion. Mrs. Riggi, always planning ahead, was in hospital already having fallen from an upper floor window earlier that day.

Thus bringing new meaning to the term, "I fall down, go boom!"

When it comes to giving people the warm and fuzzies, nothing beats a good old friendly Nazi. And you don't even have to go far to find one.

Go to Mongolia, where the anti-Chinese Nazis live. That's right, you too can watch the Chinese being harassed by these Asian Aryans... Asiayrians if you like.

http://static.guim.co.uk/sys-images/Guardian/About/General/2010/8/2/1280761040788/Mongolian-neo-Nazi-group--006.jpg

Apart from misinterpreting right wing doctrine and making the Fuhrer roll over in his ashtray, these guys like to dislike all things Chinese. In one case, the leader of The Blue Mongol (a tad gay, yes?) was convicted of murder after he killed his daughter's boyfriend.

Although, to be fair, he was justified, at least in his mind.

The boyfriend had the taint of the Orient upon him. He had studied in China. I guess the next logical step will be to print specialised t-shirts for everyone with warning on them like "Caution! May have been conceived by a factory worker that worked with Chinese nuts!!"

If you've ever wanted to take your own life, there are simple ways to do it: A gun, a tall building or The Twilight Saga perhaps. But then there's always someone that once to be remembered for being different. A man in Madison, Wisconsin, decided he wanted to end with death by policeman. So, armed with a screwdriver and a hammer, he started a commotion in his building. Naturally, the police came. And boy, was he excited. He raised the screwdriver over his head and clutched the hammer. They ordered him to drop his weapons. He refused saying that they'd have to kill him.

So they Tasered him.

Later on the hospital, he told them he'd been feeling depressed. But I guess that little shock made him feel just right as rain huh?

If ever you were to spring a surprise attack on someone,there are several prize locations; on the bog, in the shower, driving down Dealey Plaza and so on. But to really nail someone. You have to be sure that they'll be rendered immobile.

Such was the plan of one Marquavious Bell (I'm not kidding, that's his name) when he decided to abuse his girlfriend... while she was giving birth!

The police report states that Bell "struck her in the face with an open hand."

But wait, there's more. Listen to the dulcet tones of the victim's own statement.

"The most happiest moment of my life became the worst," Fox said. "I hated it... He snatched the phone out of my hand, hit the part where you talk at [and] he hit me with it. Then, he repeatedly kept hitting me in the head, slapping and hitting my head."

Here's a thought.What the hell was he doing in the delivery room?

Now I don't mean to sound cruel, but I dun think these two were made for each other y'all!!

And now, a quick round-up of the whacko news:

A man in Sweden is being sued by a hospital for stitching up his own leg. After waiting for an hour to have his gashed leg sewn up, Jonas decided to do the job. The hospital reacted rationally by laying a charge against him of suspicion of criminal dispossession. What? At the most you can get him on is stitching without a license.

President Obama has evened out US drug laws. It seems that for too long the mandatory sentence for possession of crack cocaine was much longer than the sentence for possession of its powdery brother. With the lawchanged, at least now everyone can do the same time. That way, fewer prison romances will be broken up.

Two brothers in Gastonia, North Carolina, got into afight one night. Naturally, things escalated and so, the younger brother Kevin,stapled his older brother's chin with a staple gun. And why not? If a man has a fat chin, he should be able to get the best surgery drunken rednecks have tooffer. My hero in this story is their dad. He tried to break up the fight by firing a warning shot with a 12 gauge shotgun. Well done pah. Tomorrah, can we try that readin' stuff again?

A Russian finalist in the World Sauna Championships has died. Contestants willingly sat in a room set to a temperature of 110 degrees Celsius till someone they went ping, the turkey's done! Look on the bright side folks; we didn't exactly lose a brain surgeon here.

A 14-year-old California boy has been booked on arson charges after he accidentally started a 40-acre wildfire.

What was he trying to do at the time?

He was trying to light a bong with a braai lighter. Dude, no more weed for you. Your aim is way off. Besides, you can't smoke the whole bush all at once. FAIL!!

And finally... Did you ever get the feeling that sometimes, people just aren't putting any effort into their work? That they just aren't trying anymore? Well never has this been proven more true than last Tuesday when the C-Team of the Taliban decided to attack Kandahar Airfield in Afghanistan. This is one of those cases when epic fail doesn't even begin to describe what followed. It takes time and planning to screw up so well.

Firstly, the base is home to about 20 000 troops at any given time. The C-Team brought 10 guys. TEN! Were they in power armour or perhaps a small assault vehicle?

Nope.

They decided to wear the standard long and dusty one-piece number with matching sandals and turban. They sent in the guy they liked the least to suicide bomb the fence. Once he'd blown a hole in it, they decided to screw the pooch in grand style. Upon clearing the fence, they had failed to notice that a unit of Canadian Military Engineers on a training exercise had just arrived.

Seconds later, a game of "Pop Goes the Terrorist" was played as the C-Team was mowed down by 25mm cannon fire. To give you someidea of how big an overkill that is, have a look at this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AcofyBKy8Go

These are the bullets that thing fires:

http://www.globalsecurity.org/military/systems/munitions/images/natammo.jpg

Feeling a little inadequate lads?

In response to this, Iran - America's official enemy for this decade - has started digging mass graves. Why? To bury dead US troops in case of an invasion. Now how can they invade a nation that is so thoughtful? Oh wait, The Ayatollah Khomeini - Grand High Poobah of Islam in Iran - has stated that even though music is halaal, the production of or being associated with music,is strictly forbidden.

Hey, don't go blaming all of music for the crimes of Justin Bieber.

This concludes this week's edition of The OpeningMonologue. See you next week and remember, you haven't heard it all till you'veheard The Last Say On Sunday.

Goodbye.

Posted by vittorio at 8:00 PM | Comments (0)

August 11, 2010

Improv Comedy @ Parker's Comedy & Jive

Wednesday the 11th of August 2010

Parker's Comedy & Jive
Shop 24 (Entrance 1)
Montecasino, Montecasino Boulevard, (C/o William Nicol and Witkoppen Roads), Fourways, Sandton, Gauteng, South Africa.

Website: http://www.parkerscomedy.com/ and http://www.parkerleisure.co.za/
Bookings: (+2711) 511 0081

BOOK AT COMPUTICKET:
http://www.computicket.com/web/event/parker_s_comedy_11_august/205534252?referer=highlights%2Findex%2F57%2F1%2Ftoday%2Fgrid

Join my Facebook group at: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=91633385882&v=info
Join The Opening Monologue at: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=303236570417

Line-up: Joe Parker (MC), Improv Express featuring Hannes Brummer, Vittorio Leonardi and Melt Sieberhagen. And your headliner for the evening: US Comic Danny Lobell

Show Starts: 20:30
Entrance Fee: R70

Posted by vittorio at 8:30 PM | Comments (0)

August 12, 2010

Stand-up Comedy @ The Keg & Brewer

Thursday the 12th of August 2010

The Keg & Brewer
Rock Cottage Centre
C/o Christiaan de Wet Drive and John Vorster Ave Randpark Ridge

Bookings: (+2711) 794 6413 / 26

Join me on Facebook at: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=91633385882
Join The Opening Monologue at: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=303236570417&v=wall&ref=ts

Line-up: Tony King (MC), Ryan Whittal, Vittorio Leonardi and Magic Man.

Show starts: 20:30

Posted by vittorio at 8:30 PM | Comments (0)

August 15, 2010

Stand-up Comedy @ The Comedy Underground

Sunday the 15th of August 2010

Comedy Underground
Cool Runnings, 27 4th Ave, Melville. Johannesburg, Gauteng, South Africa.

Information: (+2711) 482 4786

Brought to you by Cool Runnings and Whacked Management.

URL: http://www.whacked.co.za/home.html
Email: taffia@whacked.co.za
Telephone: (+2711) 326 0021
Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=91633385882#/pages/Whacked-Entertainment-Management/144167930317?ref=ts

Join me on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=91633385882
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Line-up: Kedibone Mulaudzi (MC), Andile Mhemdiri, Steve Van Wyk, Martin Evans, Rabin Harduth, Vittorio Leonardi and Ndumiso Lindi.

Show Starts: 20:00
Entrance Fee: R30

Posted by vittorio at 8:00 PM | Comments (0)

August 16, 2010

Open Mic Competition Finals & Comedy Extravaganza @ Bubba J's

Monday the 16th of August 2010
Bubba J's Sports and Comedy Cafe

Corner of Finch & Reier Road, Atlasville

This evening marks the finals of the Open Mic Competition at Bubba J's and we've got something special for you.

15 COMICS ON ONE BILL!!

Our 5 Finalists will battle it out for comedy gold. Followed up by ten smoking aces of comedy!!

Brought to you by Nomad Comedy

Join me on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?v=info&gid=91633385882
Join The Opening Monologue: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=303236570417&ref=ts

Line-up: Hannes Brummer, Melt Sieberhagen, Vittorio Leonardi, Alyn Adams, Darren Maule, Malcolm Ferreira, Mel Miller, Tshepo Mogale, David Kibuuka and Rob Fridjhon.

Show Starts: 20:00
Entrance Fee: R50 per person, pre-sale tickets only, no tickets available at the door.

Posted by vittorio at 8:00 PM | Comments (0)

August 17, 2010

Stand-up Comedy @ The Keg & Lion

Tuesday the 17th of August 2010

The Keg & Lion
8 Thistle Rd, cnr CR Swart Drive, Kempton Park

Bookings: (+2711) 970 2373

Join me on Facebook at: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=91633385882
Join The Opening Monologue at: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=303236570417&v=wall&ref=ts

Line-up: Tony King (MC), Ryan Whittal, Vittorio Leonardi and Magic Man.

Show starts: 20:30
NO ENTRANCE FEE!

Posted by vittorio at 8:30 PM | Comments (0)

August 18, 2010

The Opening Monologue - 18/08/2010

The Opening Monologue - Tuesday the 18th of August 2010
Written by Vittorio Leonardi.

Good evening.

In this strange world we live in, you don't have to go very far to see the ever mounting evidence that some people, some bounding members of the planet, should be culled for our own safety. Now, that is not to say that some of the most manic of the populace aren't fun to watch. But, one would think that there would be a little more policing of that section of society.That way they wouldn't gain access to shiny things like knives, guns and public office.

Till that glorious day, I present you with another chronicle in the saga of those I like to call the differently spooky.

The internet has given us many a fine thing. However, it has also given everyone a chance to prove whether or not they're ready to be removed from the gene pool. Take Matthew Partridge, a 27-year-old resident of Uttoxeter, Staffordshire, UK. He's decided to walk the length of Britain... virtually via Google Street View.

"I can't be bothered with all the training, planning and hardships of actually doing the walk. That's why I've come up with this alternative. You can cover 400 yards in about ten seconds."

This is why you guys lost the football.

However, it gets better. People living in Middle Road, St. Johns, Worcester, UK, freaked when they checked out their neighbourhood on Google Street View and saw this:

http://img.thesun.co.uk/multimedia/archive/01104/Google-map-girl_68_1104102a.jpg

An image of what looks like a dead girl, lying dead on the sidewalk. The residents were concerned that Google didn't report this to the police.

Damn folks, must Google do everything for you? Isn't it enough that Google already has all the answers to all the questions you have yet to ask? Must they now fight crime too?

It turns out that there was no dead girl, just a nine-year-old playing a prank. What a quaint little prankster. Oh how we laughed. But maybe Google already knew that. Maybe the only email address that girl will ever get, ever, will be liarpants@gmail.com

*Insert maniacal Google laughter here*


When the shit hits the fan, bad things happen. But now it seems that when the shit hits the awning, worse things happen. Police in Balgowlah, Sydney are investigating whether an awning, weighted down by bird poop and heavy rains, collapsed on Craig Taylor, killing him. It seems he failed to follow the old saying, "When giant bird of paradise fly over head, wear big hat. I say nothing about awning."


On to the furries, oh how we love them. Apparently...and in case you didn't know, Pittsburgh has become furrie mecca having hosted Anthrocon - the largest annual convention for anthropomorphic enthusiasts - for the last five years. I will not judge since I know people that dress in armour and beat each other with foam weapons.

http://pix.motivatedphotos.com/2008/6/16/633492205449504760-Furries.jpg

I lied. Sorry.

And now, a Pittsburgh man wants to have his name legally changed from Gary Guy Matthews to Boomer the Dog. Seriously, he has a collar and everything.

http://www.post-gazette.com/pg/images/201008/20100810_lr_boomer_dog_3_500.jpg

One can only imagine what fun will be had if his inner beast takes over.

"No Boomer, don't chase that car, its Google Street View!"


And now in your traffic report, a man in La Crosse (apparently, not just a sport) Wisconsin, USA, has learned a valuable lesson.

Never lend your car to an escort. They won't give it back.

As a side note, don't let anyone calling herself "Candy" a.k.a. Stephanie Hennessy, gain access to your cheques; don't buy her dog food; loan her $40 or think she's actually into you during that $80 lap dance.

http://bloximages.chicago2.vip.townnews.com/lacrossetribune.com/content/tncms/assets/editorial/c/9b/db9/c9bdb9a0-a4fc-11df-a5ff-001cc4c002e0-revisions/4c62200aec2ad.preview-300.jpg

She's kinda hot though... in a ho kind of way.


Christopher Compton Jr. is in a spot of bother. He's in court after a hit-and-run incident. He drove over a 15-year old kid. He claims he didn't see the kid because it was too dark. Here's a thought, headlights! Use them!


Here's what he looks like. http://media.lehighvalleylive.com/today_impact/photo/christopher-compton-7330dc37a6fb5f6a.jpg


On second thoughts, let's be thankful he can even operate heavy machinery.


A resident of Hall County, Georgia, was thwarted in his mission of relaxing the entire state when cops pulled him over and found 240 pounds (109kgs) of weed is his car. In an unrelated story, two cars carrying 300 pounds of Cheesy Poofs and donuts were found abandoned outside what would've been an awesome party.


New York takes the cake for weirdest traffic stop. A man from Buffalo, New York was pulled over and found to have a live cat marinating in an oil and peppers mixture in his trunk. 51-year-old Gary Korkuc said that Navarro the cat was ill-tempered so he was going to eat him. He also volunteered that the neutered male cat was pregnant. Right... Off to the puzzle factory with you, Gary. That's no way to eat some pussy!! (Sorry, couldn't resist.)


The Chinese have invented a novel way of stopping people loitering on park benches. Coin-operated benches. If you don't feed coins into the meter, the bench deploys blunt spikes, just long enough to change the way you sing.

http://web.orange.co.uk/images/ice/quirkies/bench_spikes_europics.jpg

In other news, the homeless are now able to get free ear piercings while they nap.


A 17-year-old Hungarian teenager that was selling her virginity online to stop her mom's house from being repossessed, has pulled out of the auction. Typical. The reason? The British businessman - that paid $158000 for dibs on the cherry-popping - proposed marriage. Apparently she's not the marrying kind. Well, logically speaking, she can sell the virginity once, but can sell the remaining product at greatly reduced rates for years to come. But then she'd have to be called Candy.


A man from Bexhill-On-Sea, UK, has found a novel excuse for his binge eating. A chip-packet collection worth $16000. That's right, Old Simba did good overseas. Some of the packets date back as far as 1984. Wow... that's cool. CLEAN UP YOUR DAMN HOUSE!!! This is why you don't get laid! Go marinade a cat or something!!


The creators of the game The Saboteur - a WW2 game where an Irishman does all the work of the French Resistance - may have to rethink their central character's allegiances. It seems a recently released memoir proves that an Irishman, Michael Keogh, saved Hitler from being beaten to death by an angry mob 20 years before the Blitzkrieg and goose-stepping started.

http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2010/08/06/article-0-0AB56E0E000005DC-934_233x423.jpg

Nice work, dumbass. Can we find out if his descendants are hiding Bin Laden while we're at it?


Speaking of fascism, Saudi Arabia's telecommunications regulator says that it will allow Blackberry messaging services to continue after "positive developments" with Blackberry's Canadian manufacturers. The poo hit the awning earlier this month when the Saudi's decided to ban the phones because they couldn't read any of the messages. Blackberry messaging is encrypted and can only be read if you access to the server. So basically, Canada gets some cheap oil and the Saudis get a server. Great, so glad to see our privacy means so much to the oil peddlers. What's next Saudis? Google Street View?


According to scientists at the University of Southern California, research has shown that the human brain seems to function less like a corporation - a from-the-top-down system - and more like the internet, with millions of inter-connecting loops running over and around each other. This might explain why girls are better at networking and why boys think of porn so much.


And now on to the WTF news.

A Bronx juror serving on a burglary case faces up to four years in jail after stealing a fellow juror's credit card and going on a spending spree. D'OH! Irony much?


Everyone was surprised when a 23-year-old man strangled his 50-year-old roommate to death. The fight was over how untidy 50-year-old Dwayne Gun kept their room. So Maurice Thompson (Thompson kills Gun, heh, funny) strangled him to death.


Why should no one be surprised? They live in a home for the mentally ill.

The scary part? The residents get to come and go as they please.

Yay! A puzzle factory without locks.


And finally... Remember the one about how you shouldn't eat a seed because it'll grow inside you? Well, guess what, the old folks were half right. Seed: yes; stomach: no. Ron Sveden of Brewster Massachusetts, already suffering from emphysema, was rushed to the hospital after one of his lungs collapsed. X-rays revealed that a pea seed was growing in it.


http://www1.whdh.com/news/articles/local/12001910794327/man-finds-plant-growing-inside-his-lung/

I'll leave you with this quote from his wife:

"God has such a sense of humour. It could have been just nothing, but it had to be a pea, and it had to be sprouting,"

Nay, nay lady, methinks Ron needs to learn about the hidden virtues of chewing.


As a parting shot, the first meal he had in the hospital after the surgery, had peas as the vegetable. I guess that's one way to guarantee repeat business.

This concludes this week's edition of The Opening Monologue. See you next week and remember, you haven't heard it all till you've heard The Last Say On Sunday.


Goodbye.

Posted by vittorio at 2:01 PM | Comments (0)

Stand-up Comedy @ Deli Biscotti

Wednesday the 18th of August 2010

Deli Biscotti
Comaro View Shopping Centre
Comaro Road, Bassonia, Johannesburg, South Africa

GPS Coordinates:
South: 26 degrees, 16 minutes, 44 seconds
East: 28 degrees, 4 minutes, 4 seconds

http://www.delibiscotti.co.za/
Bookings:
(+2711) 432 8288

Join me on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=91633385882&v=info
Join The Opening Monologue at: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=303236570417&v=wall&ref=ts

Line-up: Peter Taylor (MC), Nina Hastie and Vittorio Leonardi.

Show Starts: 19:30
Entrance Fee: R40

Posted by vittorio at 7:30 PM | Comments (0)

August 19, 2010

Stand-up Comedy @ Stone Cradle, Rietvlei

Thursday the 19th of August 2010

Stone Cradle
72 Game Reserve Drive
Doornkloof, Rietvlei, Pretoria

Bookings: +2773 266 2555

Join me on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=91633385882&v=info
Join The Opening Monologue at: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=303236570417&v=wall&ref=ts

Line-up: Melt Sieberhagen (MC), Vittorio Leonardi and Hannes Brummer.

Show Starts: 20:00
Entrance Fee: R100 and includes a buffet

Posted by vittorio at 8:00 PM | Comments (0)

August 22, 2010

Stand-up Comedy @ Cool Runnings, Benoni

Sunday the 22nd of August 2010

Cool Runnings, Benoni
Shop 1 Lakedene centre
Lakefield Avenue, Lakefield, Benoni

http://www.coolrunnings.co.za/branches/benoni/
Bookings:
0833606514

Join me on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=91633385882&v=info
Join The Opening Monologue at: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=303236570417&v=wall&ref=ts

Line-up: Vittorio Leonardi, Melt Sieberhagen & Hannes Brummer.

Show Starts: 19:30
NO ENTRANCE FEE!

Posted by vittorio at 7:30 PM | Comments (0)

August 24, 2010

The Opening Monologue - 24/08/2010

The Opening Monologue - Tuesday the 24th of August 2010
Written by Vittorio Leonardi.

Good evening.

It seems that we may have something to fear after all. South Africa's press freedom is under threat; Helen and Patricia look like they're going to be making that lesbian dvd after all *cringe* and the ANC Youth League have again taken to speaking their minds - a move which leaves the country dumber every time they do it.

With great lines like ANC spokesperson Jackson Mthembu saying that the ANC has made it fashionable to fight corruption and was doing so successfully, one has to wonder, what version of history-in-the-making are these chops are watching.

"We have a big arsenal of instruments to fight corruption within the State, and they are performing their functions very effectively without fear or favour."

Well, I guess someone has to put the "ars" in arsenal, without fear or favour.

But then again, it does sometimes feel as though our leaders constantly need reminding that the news is not a drama series and the folks yelling at them are not actors.

Here's a live crossing to an ANC policy meeting.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vezr3dW4J5s

Let's see how many complaints I get about that one.

But, wait there's more. Oh, so much more, here in The Opening Monologue.



Its one thing to be robbed - the fear, stress and inconvenience can be enough to grow an ulcer farm in your gut. But it's quite another to be robbed by the inept.

Two police reservists - IN UNIFORM - on duty at a roadblock in Mamelodi, decided it was time to play the extortion game when they pulled over a bakkie transporting 23kgs of copper wire. The driver told them he was going to sell the wire at a shop at Eersterust. So naturally, they got into the vehicle and drove with the man, while holding him at gunpoint. Upon arrival at the shop, they stole R3000. They then got dropped off at the roadblock as though nothing had happened and let the driver go.

Obviously charges were laid; the reservists were arrested WITH THE CASH STILL ON THEM and will soon be in court.

I didn't realise the police were running a daycare for dumbass criminals. I guess it is a community project. Let them be cops for a day, see if they like it. If not, they can help themselves to whatever is passing by. If that is the case, does this count as psychological entrapment? Shame on the police for tempting these fine criminals!

Then again, you could always just defend yourself. A 77-year-old grandmother from Heidelberg has sent burglars packing with a little 12-gauge love song. As several men attacked her security gate with a pick axe, another man, armed with a pistol, broke through the bedroom window and attempted to climb through.

He was greeted by this.

http://cdn.24.com/files/Cms/General/d/850/1e3ddd4a19914567be0c08e6e12e5a53.jpg

There was a boom, a crash and a brown streak that marked his exit. There were unconfirmed reports that she was later heard to mutter "Damn Jehovah's Witnesses... No means no."


SA Communist Party general secretary Blade (Not The Daywalker) Nzimande has criticised the media... again. According to him, the media is what could be holding back SA.

"Whilst media can be a very important ally to democracy, at the same time it can be a severe obstacle to advancement."

So it's their fault that unemployment and homelessness is so high. So is one to assume that there are secret messages hidden in their nefarious typeface? Is their plan to demoralise us with all those Jobs Pages on Wednesday? Only time and the Blade will tell.

As a parting shot, on democracies in Africa,Blade referred to them as "just a recycling of elites."

Well they do make the nicest handbags once recycled, don't they?


Speaking of fashion, would you sit next to this on a flight to Cape Town?

http://i2.cdn.turner.com/cnn/2010/images/08/18/620.planeattire.irpt.jpg

If you answered WTF!! You wouldn't be the only one. Believe it or not, this guy was allowed to board his American Airlines flight. No problems at all. Some critics have said that if he was a she, she wouldn't have been allowed on-board.

http://www.impressiveseductivelingerie.co.uk/images/LC8255.jpg

Yeah, I see their point. The tramp stamp is a bit much.


North Korea's just decided to join the rest of the world in a new way: they've gotten Twitter and YouTube accounts. But don't expect to see clips of hilarious skateboarding accidents any time soon. They're using the net to slag off the US, South Korea and anyone else that grabs their fancy. Darn, I was hoping to see a live rendition of the Dear Leader singing "I'm so ronery!"


When you think of computer hackers, the word Bloemfontein doesn't really ever spring to mind. But one student of Geology at The University of The Free State thought that it would be fun to see just how far he could get into their mainframe. Lwazi Mphumezi Magam got a six month or R5000 fine suspended sentence after he admitted guilt in the case.

I bet they roughed him up a bit in the interrogation. Posted phony Facebook updates on his account, sent out crappy tweets and messed around on his WoW account. And the most evil of evil things... made him watch Twilight Parodies! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh!!


The Office is going to China. Ricky Gervais has announced that a new incarnation of the show is currently in the works for a Chinese audience. There will be subtle differences. If the show's main character, David Brent, screws up, a cast member must recite the communist manifesto. If he/she makes a mistake, they are shot and the cost of the bullet will be charged to their family.


According to a recent study done at Cornell University, men are more likely to cheat in relationships where their partner earns more money than them. Oh well, I guess I have some catching up to do.

The study also showed that men whose partners were more dependent on them were also more likely to cheat.

But wait for it.

"If a woman is the main breadwinner in the family, she's more likely to cheat - it would seem that relationships where women earn more than men really are doomed - and if she depends on her male partner for money, then she is less likely to cheat."

Hey, I've got a whacky concept, why don't we all just stay faithful to one person. And then, when we get bored, tired or just don't want to be with them anymore, you dump them. You know, like grown-ups are supposed to behave.


Miss Mexico has just been crowned Miss Universe. No word on whether she'll get a Green card though. On a side note, surely the most ambitious name we can give this event is Miss Solar System. I mean, until we have several galaxies vying for the top spot, Miss Universe seems a little egotistical. Besides, have any of the pastwinners visited Andromeda or Sirius? I rest my case.


"Take Your Daughter To Work Day" is a good idea. "Take Your Daughter To A Bank Robbery Day"... not so much. Last Thursday, a German woman strolled into a bank in Chemnitz with a bread knife in one hand and her little girl in the other. She demanded several thousand Euros. Naturally she was caught, arraigned, and released on bail. Her child was returned to the father.

Then she tried to rob another bank. I guess she thought the kid was just slowing her down.


Speaking of interesting parents...

And finally... Stop me if you've heard this one before.

Antwun Parker and his friend walk into a pharmacy.
They pull guns and try rob the place.
The pharmacist beats them to the punch and shoots Antwun in the head.
He then gets another gun and puts five more rounds into him.

The punchline?

Antwun's mom says her son is a hero.

Wait, what?

http://www.koco.com/r/24703285/detail.html

(Watch the video clip to get the full effect.)

"A coward is someone who will kill someone when they're done," said Parker's mother, Cleta Jennings. "That's not a hero. The real hero here is Antwun."

Oh boy.

Now, I could rant about how the pharmacist shouldn't have gone Rambo on the teen. I could say that perhaps the mom is right and her son was forced into it by someone else. Or, I could say that Mrs. Parker, Antwun's mom, is a MENTALLY UNSOUND, JACKASS PENGUIN THAT SHOULD REALLY LOOK UP THE DEFINITION OF A HERO BEFORE SHE STARTS SQUAWKING HER CHILD'S VIRTUES!!!

Madam, your son pulled a weapon. There were repercussions for HIS choices. Maybe you should've taught him that before he got shot. Consequences lady, the rest of the world has accepted them as a part of daily life. Why don't you join us?


This concludes this week's edition of The Opening Monologue. See you next week and remember, you haven't heard it all till you've heard The Last Say On Sunday.

Goodbye.

Posted by vittorio at 7:13 PM | Comments (0)

Stand-up Comedy @ Cool Runnings, Victory Park

Tuesday the 24th of August 2010
Stand-up Comedy @ Cool Runnings, Victory Park

Cool Runnings, Victory Park
Shop 28, Victory Park Shopping Centre
Rustenburg Rd, Victory Park

Tel: +27 (11) 888 7633/4
Fax: +27 (11) 888 7628

Join me on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=91633385882&v=info
Join The Opening Monologue: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=303236570417&ref=ts

Line-up: Vittorio Leonardi (MC), Alyn Adams and Conrad Koch.

Show Starts: 20:30
Entrance Fee: FREE!!

Posted by vittorio at 8:30 PM | Comments (0)

August 25, 2010

Improv Comedy @ Parker's Comedy & Jive

Wednesday the 25th of August 2010

Parker's Comedy & Jive
Shop 24 (Entrance 1)
Montecasino, Montecasino Boulevard, (C/o William Nicol and Witkoppen Roads), Fourways, Sandton, Gauteng, South Africa.

Website: http://www.parkerscomedy.com/ and http://www.parkerleisure.co.za/
Bookings: (+2711) 511 0081

BOOK AT COMPUTICKET:
http://www.computicket.com/web/event/parker_s_comedy_25_august/205534534?referer=highlights/index/57/1/tomorrow/grid

Join my Facebook group at: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=91633385882&v=info
Join The Opening Monologue at: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=303236570417

Line-up: Al Prodgers (MC), Improv Express. And your headliner for the evening: Mark Banks

Show Starts: 20:30
Entrance Fee: R70

Posted by vittorio at 8:30 PM | Comments (0)

August 26, 2010

Stand-up Comedy @ Mojito's

Thursday the 26th of August 2010
Mojito's

Pick n Pay Centre, Terrace Road, Edenvale

Come join us for an evening of Stand-up Comedy brought to you by Mojito's and Nomad Comedy.

http://www.nomadcomedy.co.za/

Join me on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?v=info&gid=91633385882
Join The Opening Monologue: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=303236570417&ref=ts

Line-up: Alyn Adams (MC), Malcolm Ferreira and Vittorio Leonardi.

Show Starts: 20:30
Entrance Fee: R20

Posted by vittorio at 8:30 PM | Comments (0)

August 27, 2010

Stand-up Comedy @ The Keg & Fiddler

Friday the 27th of August 2010

The Keg & Fiddler
Shop 98, Key West Shopping Centre, c/o Paardekraal and Viljoen Str, Krugersdorp North

Bookings: (+2711) 273 1275

Join me on Facebook at: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=91633385882
Join The Opening Monologue at: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=303236570417&v=wall&ref=ts

Line-up: Vittorio Leonardi (MC), Hannes Brummer and Magic Man.

Show starts: 20:30
NO ENTRANCE FEE!

Posted by vittorio at 8:30 PM | Comments (0)

August 28, 2010

Stand-up Comedy @ The Tshwane Comedy Fiesta, The State Theatre, Pretoria

Saturday the 28th of August 2010

The Tshwane Comedy Fiesta
The Rendezvous

The State Theatre, 320 Pretourius Street, Pretoria CBD, Pretoria, Gauteng

Directions: http://www.statetheatre.co.za/index.asp?strPage=findus

Details: http://www.statetheatre.co.za/index.asp?intMatrixKey=376&strPage=&strSubPage=detail

BOOK AT COMPUTICKET: http://www.computicket.com/web/event/tshwane_comedy_fiesta/205604264?referer=highlights/index/57/1_3_19765426/0/grid

Join me on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=91633385882&v=info
Join The Opening Monologue: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=303236570417

Line-up: Vittorio Leonardi, Chris James, Dave Kibuuka, Dale Amler and Loyiso Gola.

Show Starts: 20:00
Entrance Fee: R50

Posted by vittorio at 8:00 PM | Comments (0)

August 31, 2010

The Opening Monologue - 31/08/2010

The Opening Monologue - Tuesday the 31st of August 2010
Written by Vittorio Leonardi.

Good evening.

The only thing that remains constant is change. It seems to be the one thing that you can really count on. Politicians come and, thankfully, go. Icons we thought would be around for several more decades, a Princess Diana or a Michael Jackson, can be taken away in a moment. Here at home, many pundits are wondering if the last wave of strike action and corruption could be the final straw that breaks the Zuma camel's back. Everywhere, it seems that Bob Dylan was right, "The Times They Are a-Changin".

So let's have a look at who should be staying and who, we can only hope, will be beating a hasty path to Darwin Award Heaven.

Woody Allen said: Paranoia is knowing all the facts.

It's strange how, occasionally, life truly does imitate art. For example, do you remember what happened to the other double-0 numbers in the James Bond stories? They usually ended up floating in a river or full of holes. Now, call me paranoid, but this time, it seems that it's happened for real and just down the street from Commander Bond's employer.

The decomposing body of a British spy, Gareth Williams, age 31, has been found in his apartment.

Now here's where the paranoia engine kicks in.

1. He was dead for at least two weeks when they found him. His bosses... that are also spies... couldn't find him for two weeks.

2. His body was found stuffed in a sport's bag, in his bath.

3. The crime scene is a few hundred yards from MI6's front door.

4. The apartment is owned by a private company called New Rodina. That's Russian for Motherland

5. His cell phone and several SIM cards were all neatly laid out on a table.

6. He was employed as a communications officer at the UK Government's "listening post" - GCHQ - Government Communications Headquarters.

http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2010/08/25/article-1305899-00908B6C1000044C-498_634x380.jpg

Beware the scary donut!!

But here's the proof of something shifty going on. Meet Gareth Williams.

http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2010/08/25/article-1305899-0AEA7423000005DC-534_634x499.jpg

He's an avid cyclist! What the hell kind of spy rides around on a bicycle? Ian Fleming would turn in his secret lair if he heard tell of a bicycle-riding, healthy-living secret agent. I submit to you that it was Zombie Fleming that killed the agent. So enraged was the author of spy novels that he tore himself from his earthen grave and sought to punish the ill-suited spy. Why else was the body trussed up like a take-away? Because Zombie Fleming wanted to nom, nom, nom!


Elsewhere, a British Airways flight from London to Honk Kong successfully tested the latest in air-panic causing technology. A pilot caused a plane to become 100 pounds heavier with poo when he mistakenly played an emergency message.

Allow me to set the scene: you're cruising at 9kms (30000 feet) up, enjoying whatever nibbles you can con out of the ever-present waitressing staff. You think of all the fun things you're going to be doing in Hong Kong. Perhaps you'll even try a new girl/guy out at Madam Ho's House of Hump. You're comfortable, content and relaxed person.

Then you hear this:

"This is an emergency. We may shortly need to make an emergency landing on water."

Panic much?

Here's what the passengers had to squeal:

Michelle Lord, 32, "People were terrified. We all thought we were going to die."

Another traveller said: "I can't think of anything worse than being told your plane's about to crash."

You have no imagination, whoever you are.

Here's what the airline had to say: "We would like to apologise to passengers on board the flight for causing them undue distress."

What does he mean by "undue distress"? Is there such a thing as "due distress"?

I knew it!

There is no such thing as turbulence. It's the bored pilot jerking us around! Turbulence, my aching ass!!


Across the pond, in America, the militant wing of the pharmaceutical companies - the D.E.A. or Drug Enforcement Administration - is in search of translators.

Ebonics translators to be precise.

For all the squares out there, Ebonics, a.k.a. African American Vernacular English, is an ever-evolving English vocabulary with African language structure.

Basically, the D.E.A. needs translators to understand what some brothers are saying during drug deals.

Fair enough.

Clearly they need to know what's being said so they can build a case. But, as always, a story like this brings out the special people.

Aloysius (what?) Hogan, the government relations director of English First, had this to say:

"Hiring translators for languages that are of questionable merit to begin with is just going in the wrong direction. I'm not aware of Ebonics training schools or tests. I don't know how they'd establish that someone speaks Ebonics," he said.

Simple. You listen.

"I support the concept of pursuing drug dealers if they're using code words, but this is definitely going in the wrong direction."

For those of you that are wondering, English First is a national lobbying group that promotes the use of English. I didn't realise that the language was under threat. It seems a little rude.


"Sure I'll buy your drugs but remember, I only accept English crack."


Every day, you see people driving as though they're in a different postal code or dimension to you. Well, the next time you see someone swerve, here's a reason to consider and cringe about.

Police pulled over a car in Elmwood Place, Ohio one evening. They had pulled the car off the road because it had illegally tinted windows. But when they looked inside they found Colondra (what kind of parent does that to a child) Hamilton, with her pants unzipped and a sex toy in her lap.

Here's Colondra!!!

http://cmsimg.cincinnati.com/apps/pbcsi.dll/bilde?Site=AB&Date=20100825&Category=NEWS010701&ArtNo=8260303&Ref=AR&Profile=1163&MaxW=308&Border=0

Methinks the sex toy was blindfolded.

But wait there's more. She wasn't only servicing her needs while driving; Colondra was using the toy while watching porn on a laptop that a passenger in the front seat held up so she could see it!

Holy crap lady!! Can't you wait till you get home?

The cops booked her on what has, just now, become my favourite charge ever - "driving with inappropriate alertness."

The sex toy has since been sent for counselling.

Why? Need I remind you, it was with that!

http://cmsimg.cincinnati.com/apps/pbcsi.dll/bilde?Site=AB&Date=20100825&Category=NEWS010701&ArtNo=8260303&Ref=AR&Profile=1163&MaxW=308&Border=0


Staying with roadside fun, if you thought our rush hour was bad; spare a thought for the drivers on the Beijing-Tibet highway.

They've been stuck in traffic for over 10 days! Construction on the highway won't be finished till the 17th of September. The average mileage covered in a day has been clocked at one kilometre a day. Surprisingly, there have been no road rage incidents. That's because the drivers are too busy getting raped by the local villagers. Financially speaking anyway. The villagers know that they're the only source of food the drivers have so they have no qualms about jacking up their prices to Himalayan heights.

I guess the moral of this story is a simple one: you see what happens when you screw the Dalai Lama? Karma is an eternal bitch.


Soldiers in Taiwan have been issued new orders. They're banned from napping or even closing their eyes while wearing their uniforms in public.

"Servicemen should avoid napping or resting with their eyes closed while taking public transportation to maintain the image of the armed forces," the ministry said in a statement.

Wow, what an inspiring message. The Army - We're not sleeping on the job... WE. NEVER. SLEEP.

I bet Freddie Kruger never killed a Taiwanese soldier.

And soon there will be no drinking and no talking. You know, Taiwan's right, they're nothing like the Chinese.


Speaking of staying up, coffee is one of the true gifts of nature and still one of the only narcotics allowed in the work place.

But, as with any drink, it would seem there are connoisseurs for it. Self-appointed babbling turd-stirrers that just love to tell you how one thing is subtly different from another because it got more sun, more tannins or was fermented in a guru's appendix before harvesting.

Nowhere is this more true than in Jakarta, where ranks of coffee slurpers are upset because their favourite nectar is about to be mass produced. The coffee cherries they're so reverent of are found, half-digested - in the POO of the wild civet. These coffee jockeys are terrified that if planned farming of these birds occurs, the coffee's flavour will become monotonous.

You sad, strange little toss-pots.

By the by, the coffee sells for $250 per kilo. If you're just after a buzz, try cocaine. Not only will it keep you awake, it'll give you a God complex, make your weiner small and empty out your bank account too.

Perhaps the Taiwanese military commanders could use some to balance the crap between their ears.


Have you ever wondered if you were too drunk? Well, a German man complaining about a large zit on his scalp, had a .22 calibre bullet removed from the suppurating sore. Here's the kicker: it's been there for five+ years! Apparently, one new years eve, Captain Boozehound felt something strike the back of his pip while he wandered the streets, four sheets to the wind, during New Year's celebrations in 2004 or 2005.

You see, he can't remember... In the words of Rowley Birkin QC:

"I freely admit that I was very, very drunk."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0BKRZTalEys


And finally... If you ever needed proof that Kazakhstan might be a bad place to live, look no further. This guy has single-handedly undone all of Borat's fine average work.

A 52-year old Kazakh man that was about to be extradited by Spanish authorities after serving a five-year prison sentence, cut off his weiner to avoid going home.

While surrounded by several cops, he slipped a knife out of his clothing and severed all ties with Mr. Happy. Nice job watching the prisoner, fellas.

I guess Spanish prison sex can just break a man.

Mind you, he was 52. Methinks he was just getting tired of that long dry spell and just decided to cut back on some excess baggage.


This concludes this week's edition of The Opening Monologue. See you next week and remember; you haven't heard it all till you've heard The Last Say On Sunday.

Goodbye.

Posted by vittorio at 6:48 PM | Comments (0)

Stand-up Comedy @ The Keg & Spitfire

Tuesday the 31st of August 2010

The Keg & Spitfire
Corner of Beyers Naude and Pendoring Street, Blackheath

BOOKINGS: (+2711) 431 4386

Join me on Facebook at: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=91633385882
Join The Opening Monologue at: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=303236570417&v=wall&ref=ts

Line-up: Tony De King (MC), Ryan Whittal, Vittorio Leonardi and Magic Man.

Show starts: 20:30
NO ENTRANCE FEE!

Posted by vittorio at 8:30 PM | Comments (0)