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July 1, 2010

Stand-up Comedy @ Parker's Comedy & Jive

Thursday the 1st July 2010

Parker's Comedy & Jive
Shop 24 (Entrance 1)
Montecasino, Montecasino Boulevard, (Cnr William Nicol and Witkoppen Roads), Fourways, Sandton, Gauteng, South Africa.

Website: http://www.parkerscomedy.com/ and http://www.parkerleisure.co.za/
Bookings: (+2711) 511 0081

BOOK AT COMPUTICKET:
Thursday:
http://www.computicket.com/web/event/parker_s_comedy_1_july/175802818

Join me on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=91633385882
Join The Opening Monologue: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=303236570417

Line-up: Joe Parker (MC), Dave Levinsohn, Vittorio Leonardi and Eddie Eksteen.

Show Starts: 20:45
Entrance Fee: R90

Posted by vittorio at 8:45 PM | Comments (0)

July 2, 2010

Stand-up Comedy @ Parker's Comedy & Jive

Friday the 2nd July 2010

Parker's Comedy & Jive
Shop 24 (Entrance 1)
Montecasino, Montecasino Boulevard, (Cnr William Nicol and Witkoppen Roads), Fourways, Sandton, Gauteng, South Africa.

Website: http://www.parkerscomedy.com/ and http://www.parkerleisure.co.za/
Bookings: (+2711) 511 0081

BOOK AT COMPUTICKET:
Friday:
http://www.computicket.com/web/event/parker_s_comedy_2_july/175802873

Join me on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=91633385882
Join The Opening Monologue: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=303236570417

Line-up: Dave Levinsohn (MC), Kedibone Mulaudzi, Vittorio Leonardi and Eddie Eksteen.

Show Starts: 21:00
Entrance Fee: R120

Posted by vittorio at 9:00 PM | Comments (0)

July 3, 2010

Stand-up Comedy @ Parker's Comedy & Jive

Saturday the 3rd July 2010

Parker's Comedy & Jive
CLOSED FOR A PRIVATE FUNCTION

Posted by vittorio at 9:00 PM | Comments (0)

July 4, 2010

Stand-up Comedy @ Champions, Silver Lakes

Sunday the 4th of July 2010

Champions
Silver Oaks Shopping Centre
Corner of Von Backstroom Boulevard and Hans Strydom Drive, Silverlakes

Join me on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=91633385882&v=info&ref=ts
Join The Opening Monologue: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=303236570417&ref=ts

Line-up: Nicky Van (MC), Vittorio Leonardi and Melt Sieberhagen.

Show Starts: 19:30
Entrance Fee: R40

Posted by vittorio at 7:30 PM | Comments (0)

July 6, 2010

Stand-up Comedy @ Cool Runnings, Victory Park

Tuesday the 6th of July 2010
Stand-up Comedy @ Cool Runnings, Victory Park

Cool Runnings, Victory Park
Shop 28, Victory Park Shopping Centre
Rustenburg Rd, Victory Park

Tel: +27 (11) 888 7633/4
Fax: +27 (11) 888 7628

Join me on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=91633385882&v=info
Join The Opening Monologue: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=303236570417&ref=ts

Line-up: Vittorio Leonardi and Martin Davis.

Show Starts: 20:30
Entrance Fee: FREE!!

Posted by vittorio at 8:30 PM | Comments (0)

The Opening Monologue - 06/07/2010

The Opening Monologue - Tuesday the 6th of July 2010
Written by Vittorio Leonardi.


Good evening.

Every now and then you pick up a newspaper or turn on the nightly news and find yourself in the firing line. Coming at you is a barrage of crap. This crap isn't the sort you're used to though. It is word shaped, thought-driven (mostly anyway) and designed to further agendas. Agendas that, sometimes seem so ludicrous that leaves you wondering about the sanity of the speaker.

What you're about to read is, I hope, a lighter version of the onslaught.

So in keeping with the continuous World Cup highlights reels, here is a recap of the goals, near misses, deliberate falls and off-sides of the week.

South Africa has sold nearly R14 billion worth of weapons to "problematic" countries in the last decade according to the Ceasefire Campaign.

Apparently there's always someone there to poo-poo the governments fun and this group is no different.

After running out of stadia to build, freeways to widen and Mercedes Benzes to purchase, it seems that our elected officials decided it would be a good idea to sell guns to nations with an axe to grind. The list of how many guns, what kind of guns and to whom they were sold is naturally, sketchy at best. Because Lord knows, they don't want to scare people.

One has to remember that it's not the first time SA has sold state-of-the-art bang bangs to the world.

We designed the Rooivalk for the US; sold the G5 and G6 Cannons to Saddam Hussein's Iraq just before Gulf War 1: First Blood and we also, in our greatest act of stupidity, built 6 or 7 nuclear weapons, depending on which conspiracy theorist you ask.

There were also 2 or 3 nuclear tests in the Prince Edward Islands and the Kalahari Desert. These may or may not have been meteorites, atmospheric anomalies or swamp gas that reflected the light from Venus... depending on which conspiracy theorist you ask.

Ain't life grand?

This may explain the reason why Albatrosses are so easy to spot out here. Glowing in the dark tends to help.

With all this coming to light, I'd like to make a request of our government.

WOULD YOU JACKASSES QUIT PAINTING A BULLSEYE ON OUR COUNTRY PLEASE?! ALL OUR STUFF IS HERE!!


Speaking of that fine penguin, Jackie Selebi has been found guilty. Now I know some of you may have forgotten that that trial was still going on but, yes indeed, it's finally over. They did give him time to enjoy the rest of the World Cup. He is to be sentenced on July 14th. This should give Glen Agliotti just enough time to buy Selebi more shoes. Even in jail, style matters.

Unconfirmed reports say that Selebi looked ill as he was leaving the court. It's possible that he too may develop Shaik-a-titus once behind bars.


And not to be left out, the ANC Youth League decided to break the welcome silence by saying that Selebi's conviction was a lesson to the ANC.

"The ANC Youth League hopes that the verdict will be a lesson to many leaders of the ANC, alliance and all leaders in South Africa that going against the law can tarnish a person's image," spokesperson Floyd Shivambu said in a statement.

*Cough* Irony *Cough*

They then added that Sports Minister Mahkhenkesi Stofile should be fired for not being a public showboat during the World Cup.

It seems that the idea of someone that simply does their job without the need for the limelight is totally alien to the Youth League.

However, it seems that the brain rot prevalent in the organization hasn't spread to the KZN branch of the Youth League. They defended Minister Stofile for his work, stating that he had done a good job.

See that lads? No shouting, no screaming, just a simply-worded compliment. Try it sometime.


Eskom has just awarded its executives a 25% pay hike. At the same time they struggled to understand why wage negotiations with unions were going so poorly. I can see their point... It's hard to see clearly since it's sticking out of their worker's backs, but it is there... Trust me.

Three men were arrested after attending a funeral in Lotus Gardens. They arrived at the funeral in a stolen car that they had pilfered that day. One has to wonder at the logic. Were they hoping for protection from the sacred earth? The police aren't vampires. Daylight and holy ground don't work.

Or perhaps they thought that if the gunfight went sour, at least they wouldn't have far to go.


Woolworths has decided that it too can give the gift of alcoholism to suburbia. They are branching out into selling not just their spiffy wines but now, also hard tack. The reason being that when you are posh, a brown paper bag and a whino at the door, just won't in Houghton.


After several deaths over the past few years, tourists are starting to realise that Table Mountain has "a dangerous side." Apparently, it's the side you fall from, very hard, onto the cold, cold ground.

Or perhaps, and this is just a theory, it's got a dangerous side... Because it's a damn mountain!

My advice to those attempting a climb:

1. Because it's there, is not a good enough reason.
2. It's a mountain, take a guide. Preferably one that's local. (Not a Bergie.)
3. If you really want to the grandeur of Cape Town from up high, might I suggest Google Earth.


And speaking of getting high, an SAA cabin crew member was busted trying to smuggle 3kg's of cocaine in her panties, into the UK. She's a girl, with 3 kilos of coke in her undies... did no one see the bulge? Or are we being that politically correct since the Caster Semenya debacle?

Apparently she was caught by the sniffer dogs. They were real friendly, like all junky dogs looking to score, would be.


Staying with Junkies, Paris Hilton was very briefly on the business end of the SA policing system but thankfully, no footage was taken. She and a friend were busted for dagga possession outside Nelson Mandela Bay Stadium in Port Elizabeth. One can understand the situation. It's P.E., there's nothing to do.

Charges were dropped against Hilton when her friend, former Playboy Playmate for July 1999, Jennifer Rovero, pleaded guilty to possession, paid the fine and was given 14 days by Home Affairs to leave SA.

A shame really. Can't we send Paris away and keep the friend? At least the friend is hot when she gets her kit off.

Paris said that there were no hard feelings and that she still loves SA. I'll bet. If there were any hard feelings, the cameras would've caught it.


The UK's new conservative government has started putting in place new laws to cap non-EU migration into their country. Which begs the question: So who's going to clean your toilets then, smart guys? If the latest dole statistics are anything to go by, the poor folk of Hull aren't going to be that keen.


Britney Spears has launched her own fashion line for school girls. The collection is called Britney for Candie's. Now every school girl that's ever wanted to have an unwanted teen pregnancy can now dress for success. Y'all.


The war on drugs in Mexico pales in comparison to the war on Mexican musicians. Apparently the latest trend to hit Mexcio is singers that sing about and glorify drug barons. This then leads to reprisal attacks from rival drug gangs.

And you thought Tupac had it bad.

One such singer, Sergio Vega, reported that he was alive in answer to news reports that he was dead. He was then shot and killed. The moral of that story: If it keeps you alive, play dead doofus.


France has passed a law stating that mental violence is a crime too. This law is aimed at prosecuting men that abuse their ladies in verbal and psychological ways. One only has to be a little paranoid to see that this could easily be the start of legislation against thought crimes. Viva George Orwell, viva!


Not to be left behind, South Korea has just approved chemical castration for sex offenders. Meanwhile, North Korea continues with its programme of intellectual castration. Starting with their national football team. No more balls for them.


The US has started another wave of arrests in the war on cyber piracy. Yaaar!! It seems they have seized the booty of several websites that were offerin' movies fer download moments after the films had shown in theatres. Yaaar!!

Methinks they be wantin' all the chic flicks fer themselves! Aaaarh!


And keeping with thought crimes, Stephanie Meyer, the creator of the famed gay sparkly vampire series - Twilight - has cranked out another shiny pearl. This one is aimed at young readers and continues Meyer's drive to spread the principals of "no handholding with vampires before marriage" that made the Twilight Saga such a success. But, would you believe that Stephanie Meyer's stories of furtive kisses and Edward's perfect face isn't the worst thing out there? I was surprised too. It seems that a Seattle writer, Molly Ringle, won this year's bad writing competition with the following line wherein she compares a kiss to a thirsty gerbil drinking from a giant water bottle.

"Ricardo lapping and sucking at Felicity's mouth as if she were a giant cage-mounted water bottle and he were the world's thirstiest gerbil."

Wow... I'm turned on, how about you?


And finally... If you've ever wondered if you could run your own magazine, then the answer is yes. This fact has been proven positive after Al-Qaeda launched its own recruitment magazine called "Inspire". The Magazine will give young jihadists all the info they need to further their shortlived careers as martyrs.

I'll bet the Agony Aunt is a great help.

I have no friends.
You're carrying a bomb. Recruit them into your cell, then blow yourself up.

I have low self esteem.
We can help. Come blow yourself up.

I have trouble achieving orgasm.
Blow yourself...up.

This concludes this week's edition of The Opening Monologue. See you next week and remember, you haven't heard it all till you've heard The Last Say On Sunday.

Goodbye.

Posted by vittorio at 8:57 PM | Comments (0)

July 8, 2010

Stand-up Comedy @ The Venetian Show Bar, The Marco Polo Casino

Thursday the 8th of July 2010
The Venetian Show Bar

The Marco Polo Casino, Nelson Mandela Square
8 Maude Street, Johannesburg, Gauteng, South Africa 2146

Directions: http://www.themarcopolo.co.za/marcopolomap.pdf

Join me on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?v=info&gid=91633385882
Join The Opening Monologue: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=303236570417&ref=ts

Come join us for an evening of Stand-up Comedy brought to you by The Marco Polo Casino.

Line-up: Vittorio Leonardi (MC), Kedibone Mulaudzi and Magic Man.

Show Starts: 18:45
Entrance Fee: FREE!!

Posted by vittorio at 6:45 PM | Comments (0)

July 12, 2010

Stand-up Comedy @ Wish!

Monday the 12th of July 2010
Wish
Corner of 2nd Avenue and 7th Street, Melville

Facebook Event: http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=136677316360434&index=1

Join me on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?v=info&gid=91633385882
Join The Opening Monologue: http://www.facebook.com/?ref=home#!/group.php?gid=303236570417&ref=ts
Brought to you by Kandicru Komedy Knights

Line-up: Gavin, Mpho Pops, Chris Mapane, Deep Fried Man, Vittorio Leonardi.

Show Starts: 20:00
Entrance Fee: FREE!!

Posted by vittorio at 8:00 PM | Comments (0)

July 14, 2010

The Opening Monologue - 14/07/2010

The Opening Monologue - Wednesday the 14th of July 2010
Written by Vittorio Leonardi.


Good evening.

At the start of every monologue, I try to give a witty round-up of the week that was. If I could make a brief deviation, I'd like to mention the events of last night that stopped me from publishing the monologue in a timely fashion.

I couldn't write the monologue because of power failures. Three power failures in one day. Now, I'd like to thank Eskom for keeping the power running during the football. I'd like to thank them, but I can't. This is because we have reached a point in SA where thanking Eskom for doing what is essentially its job, is like thanking a thief for obeying the law.

They deserve no thanks. It's their job. We pay them for a service. A thank you should only ever be earned, not simply given.

I also find it phenomenal that Eskom can be owed R189 million by government and they seem to take no action against them. And then, at the same time, Eskom has plans to shut off the power of 50 Free State towns for failure to pay.

Here's the kicker:

The reason those accounts are in arrears is because of gross mismanagement of funds by local government.

Do you see a pattern? It's hard to spot but believe me, it's there.

I guess what I'm asking for is a little consistency. The next time the power goes, please Eskom, for my sanities sake, decide how long you actually need to have the grid down for and then keep it off for that period. Turning the power off, then on, then off, then on is as frustrating as watching porn with the sex scenes edited out.

If you're going to screw me, have it be one long session as opposed to three unfulfilling short ones.

Thank you.

And now, on to our main feature.

The week that was saw the world cup drawing to a close, the occupying armies of FIFA finally pulling out and Spain, dive-rolling to their first cup final victory. On the domestic side, politicians warmed up their delusion generators, more parliamentarians asked meaningful questions and Designated Distraction Man a.k.a. Julius Malema, made a triumphant return, in time to catch foot in mouth disease. Across the seas there was craziness aplenty too, as you shall see. So let's begin, here at home.

President Jacob Zuma thanked all South Africans for being well-behaved this last month. Even though it was a stretch at times, no one snapped, shot, burned, hijacked or even "accidently" sent any tourists to Hillbrow, The Bluff or The Flats. Everyone played nice. However, that didn't mean government joined in.

The National Prosecuting Authority has a boss and that boss is government. This was the sentiment of JZ while being interviewed on Talk Radio 702. He also stated that he would never interfere in the NPA's affairs.

"I will never do it... there will never be an example to quote [in the media]... There's a wrong system we need to fix which other people abused."

So just to be clear, there will never be evidence of interference on your part. Well that's fine then.

Also, SA Reserve Bank Governor Gill Marcus came out swinging at executives receiving heinously high salaries at a time that ordinary people are biting the bullet.

"It is not just a workers' problem, the tone is set by bonuses and executive pay," she said at a Power Business breakfast function.

I guess it would've been easier to believe she cares about inequality if the function hadn't been held at the Johannesburg Country Club.

Occasionally, you get to see irony at work.

Next time, if you want to look like you're on our side, might I suggest having your breakfast function at Wimpy?


The Mandela Bay Media Association is concerned that there might be corruption in the media. Really? What next, bad refereeing at football games? Say it ain't so!

They raised this point after allegations surfaced that two Cape Argus reporters took bribes to write favourable stories about then-premier Ebrahim Rasool. Added to this is a recent incident where the DA asked SABC's Head of News, Phil Molefe, to explain why there is a ban on Thabo Mbeki. It seems Molefe called a meeting of senior news executives and told them that there was to be no coverage of former president Thabo Mbeki in any media.

His reason: Mbeki's appearance on SABC television undermines President JZ.

Really? I think you'll find JZ's colleagues are doing a far better job of undermining him than Mbeki ever could. Isn't that right Julius?

The unions are revolting and not in their appearance. It seems that with the football season over, the striking season is about to kick off. Public Services unions have said they are preparing for war and if their demands aren't met, 1.3 million workers will down tools. Thus beginning another round of that delightful pastime: Kick The Dustbin and Loot The Storefront; followed closely by that other firm strike favourite, Dodge The Rubber Bullet.

Oh, what fun it shall be, the tourists will love it.


And in other good news, SARS now has the power to request all your banking details whenever they want. And if they find you've been naughty and not declaring all your income, they can reach into your account and take the cash they need to cover your fines.

But wait, someone just had an intelligent thought: Shouldn't there be guidelines for this sort of thing? I mean, think of the damage one could cause to people if their debit orders don't go off for lack of funds.

Oh yeah, and what about the massive invasion of privacy?

"Curse you, Ernst & Young Tax Director Vedika Andhee!! Foiled again!" Bellowed the SARS monster.


If you've ever wondered what a man with a death wish looks like, look up Yiull Damaso. He decided to paint something engaging and thought provoking. So he painted a picture modelled after Rembrandt's painting The Anatomy Lesson of Dr Nicholas Tripp. In Damaso's version, Madiba is the cadaver with late Aids orphan Nkosi Johnson performing the autopsy. Archbishop Emeritus Desmond Tutu and politicians FW de Klerk, Jacob Zuma, Cyril Ramaphosa, Trevor Manuel, Thabo Mbeki and Helen Zille look on.

Yiull has thus proven he is a true Dumbasso.

You can all take your acid now. You'll need it for the next story.


Last Wednesday saw Julius Malema imploring the attendees of a South African music conference to write political songs people could dance to in nightclubs.

"Music is politics," Malema said.

"We have forgiven them for the past, but have not forgotten. We need to tell that story through music. Let's teach them about Winnie (Madikizela-Mandela) through music and let's do it in a fun way, in a way that we can dance to," he said.

Oh, I can see that going well. "Hey everyone, let's do The Stompie Stomp!"
But Julius wasn't done yet. He added that just like Bok Van Blerk had honoured General Koos De La Rey with his song, so other artists should honour freedom heroes too.

He then sang De La Rey's chorus to prove his point.

Now do you see why you needed the acid?

In closing, Julius warned artists who became famous to be wary of women.

"Women are brave these days. They will pull the clothes from your body if you don't want to yourself."

You see?! The acid helps take the edge off.


And now, the rest of SA this past week.

A BMW driver was arrested for travelling at 206km/h. He claims he was just cleaning his foot when it suddenly went off. Not to be out done, a traffic officer in Louis Trichardt was clocked doing 274km/h in his personal Mercedes-Benz C200 Kompressor. This prompted members of the Semantics Police to say that the car is only capable of a top speed of 235km/h.

Two things:

1. At these speeds, I don't think it matters.

2. And lads... this is why nobody shags a know-it-all.


Two senior officials at Westville prison have been suspended pending an investigation after it was discovered that a policeman had sex with a female inmate. That's one way to make the jailhouse rock.


If you ever needed proof that Cape Town isn't always sunshine and happiness, look no further. Bystanders outside the stadium on Main Parkade in Claremont showed how little they cared about someone's whining when they shouted "jump" to a man threatening to throw himself off the 8 storey-high roof. But he spoiled everyone's fun, was rescued and taken somewhere on ground level. Phooey.


There's been a call to withdraw the circumcision clamp.

Gently, of course.

The Malaysian-made Tara KLamp is a simple device that, in trials, has had "adverse affects."

Anyone with a week constitution should skip ahead.

The device clamps onto ones member, where it stays for a week till it and ones foreskin falls off.

I told you to skip ahead.

The trouble is that the device doesn't always fall off and has to then be surgically removed. You know what? Shoot me. At that point, get a bazooka and blow my face off. If you let someone attach this thing to you, you're too stupid to be breathing.


International news now, six Israeli soldiers that were recorded dancing while on patrol in Gaza, are in trouble after the clip appeared on YouTube. They are likely to be charged with "inappropriate conduct in a military operation." At least now we know what the Israeli Army's policy on "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" is.


The city of Bagdad has decided it is time to purge some new enemies - stray dogs. Some 58000 stray dogs have been either poisoned or shot in the city by 20 deployed teams. Since 2008, there has been a rise in fatal attacks on humans by roaming packs of stray dogs. Hence the cull.

There has been no confirmation of reports that the dogs are linked to Al-Qaeda.


Elsewhere in the Middle East, vuvuzelas have been declared illegal by holy edict in the United Arab Emirates. It has been decided that no vuvuzela is permitted within the Gulf State if it exceeds 100 decibels.

Having said that, some enterprising folk in Lima, Peru, have found an obvious use for the blaring trumpet - stashing their weed. Two Peruvian women were arrested outside a school attempting to sell 100 bags of weed that had been stashed inside the trumpets. Proof positive that the vuvuzela has two settings:

1. Blow: to call a dealer.

2. Suck: to get blasted.


On to Spain, where those not watching the world cup got to be gored by 500kg animals spraying bull snot all over Pamplona. Yup, it is time for special needs tourists and locals alike to take part in The Running of The Bulls. This annual event signals the start of the bullfighting season in Spain. Incidentally, it also marks a surge in some funny videos appearing on YouTube. These are the people you don't let into your gene pool ever.

An 18-year-old runner from Melbourne, Australia, suffered three fractured vertebrae and was in a serious condition at a hospital, while a 20-year-old Spanish man received an eye injury but was in less serious condition.

Tourist Jack Harrington braced himself before taking part in the second run.

"It looks exciting, like one of those things on the check list you do in life, so I might want to check it off," said the 62-year-old dentist from Lake Tahoe, California.

"I know bulls, but they came about a hundred times faster than I thought they would," said Rostow, 58, of Austin, Texas. "I wasn't prepared for that, and the intensity of the senses was overwhelming, the smell of the bulls, the sound of them running, and the fear."

And don't forget the brown river flowing down your leg.


Speaking of skid marks, The Pope is about to release the revised rules on what to do when dealing with paedophile priests. Once passed, the rules now state that if a bishop discovers that one of his priests is a kiddie fiddler, he can now report them to the police. Thanks Benedict and lets all join hands in welcoming the Vatican to the 21st century.

Till that glorious day, spare a thought for a Connecticut Roman Catholic Priest that stole $1.3 million in church money over 7 years. He used it for male escorts, expensive clothes, luxury hotels and restaurants.

Two points to ponder:

1. At least he left the kids alone.

2. One church is generating $1.3 million over 7 years? That's $186000 a year. Call me old fashioned but methinks someone needs to look for a meth lab in their basement.


Further south, Osama Bin Laden's chef has been found guilty of protecting the Al-Qaeda leader in the early days of the war on terror. He spent the last 8 years in Guantanamo Bay waiting for his trial. His sentence could range from no additional time to life imprisonment. That'll show him, well done lads. Kind of like a Federal version of sending someone that's already grounded, to their room, forever.


Closer to home, hundreds of Shebab supporters vowed to step up attacks on African Union troops after it was decided to send 2000 more soldiers into Africa's piracy capital.

The Islamist insurgents group said they will fight to the death (never till they're maimed) till the Islamic flag flies over the nation.

Um... guys. Not to nitpick, but at this point, you're not helping. If you weren't there, they wouldn't need to send any extra troops. So, it is kind of your fault they're there. Now go sit in a corner with your ticking jacket and think about what you've done young men. We'll be over here, behind this lead shield.


Apparently, Twilight fans scare easily. This was proven when fans of the gay vampire movie complained because the trailer before the film - Paranormal Activity 2 - was too scary. Cinema management has since replaced it with the less frightening trailer of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.

I guess it might explain why a 23 year-old New Zealand man was found dead in a movie theatre after a screening of Eclipse. The cause of death is at present, unknown. It is theorized that his brain rejected him.


Lindsay might be off to jail soon. That should keep her off the booze. Not so much off the crack, heroine and strap-ons.


A UK man named Ian Clark has decided to damn his daughter for all eternity by naming her after Lady Gaga. The unsuspecting baby was dubbed Meggie Maisie Lady Gaga... And a partridge in a pear treeeeeee!

Well daddy man, I hope you're happy to raise a crack ho, because regular therapy is simply not going to cut it for her.


In South Africa, when a minister has some cash to spend, he usually gets some bling. In Nigeria, a senator decided to buy a new wife. He paid $100 000 to buy a 13-year-old Egyptian girl, his driver's daughter. After an investigation, it was decided that the senator MAY have violated his country's child rights laws. The attorney general has yet to file a criminal case.

Why?

Is there evidence missing?

It can't be that difficult. Look for the kid walking around in a wedding veil with a baby called Lady Gaga. I think that might be the right house.


An Australian lawman has come up with a great way to curb illegal gambling in Queensland: Build AusVegas.

*Facepalm*

And for his next trick, solving heroin addiction through opium dens.


A 15-year-old UK boy has been sentenced to an effective 23-year jail term for killing his ex-girlfriend and her older sister after setting her house alight after she dumped him. Well son, I hope you can moan prison bitch.

Before he becomes Bubba's real doll, can we send him to visit Meggie Maisie etc. dad? Methinks she'll forgive the boy afterwards.


And finally... Everyone has had jam from time to time. It's a staple of the breakfast table. However, would you be keen to try some jam made from one of Princess Diana's hairs?

Usually, one complains when you find a hair in any food.

However, it seems that one Sam Bompas took a speck of the late princess' hair, infused it with gin and then combined it with milk and sugar to produce a preserve that apparently tastes like condensed milk.

He calls it "occult jam". I call it WTF?!

The jam is an exhibit at a surrealist art show. I'm still calling it WTF?!

Now... regardless of how odd and wrong this sounds, here are two points to ponder.

1. How hungry do you have to be to eat zombie jam?

2. Secondly, the hair he used to make the jam was purchased off eBay. Can he really be sure it belonged to Lady Diana? Or possibly... manly Doug.


This concludes this week's edition of The Opening Monologue. See you next week and remember, you haven't heard it all till you've heard The Last Say On Sunday.

Goodbye.

Posted by vittorio at 8:01 PM | Comments (0)

July 15, 2010

Stand-up Comedy @ Mojito's

Thursday the 15th of July 2010
Mojito's

Pick n Pay Centre, Terrace Road, Edenvale

Come join us for an evening of Stand-up Comedy brought to you by Mojito's and Nomad Comedy.

Join me on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?v=info&gid=91633385882
Join The Opening Monologue: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=303236570417&ref=ts

Line-up: Vittorio Leonardi and Hannes Brummer.

Show Starts: 21:00

Posted by vittorio at 9:00 PM | Comments (0)

July 20, 2010

The Opening Monologue - 20/07/2010

The Opening Monologue - Tuesday the 20th of July 2010
Written by Vittorio Leonardi.

Good evening.

With the world cup becoming but a memory every day and strike season floundering, it seems only natural that idle hands find themselves work. And where else could that be more productive than Xenophobia. Nothing says "the dream is over now" than angry mobs pounding the stuffing out of foreign shop owners in what is becoming a tired re-enactment of District 9.

Reports of impending doom have begun to surface everywhere and evidence of an approaching storm was recently uncovered in the Western Cape when police officers discovered a pamphlet being distributed to locals urging them "to join hands together to drive foreigners out of our country." The pamphlet went on to lay the blame squarely at government's feet.

"Truth is our government is no longer able to take care of us."

Shame, can't out MPs ever catch a break?

Our police services are ever ready and vigilant to stop all threats to the safety and security of foreigners... as soon as someone gives them the names and addresses of the offenders. They stated that, regarding the pamphlet, their hands are tied. Here's a thought:

1. Find the guy handing them out.

2. Break his knees.

3. Find the guy he got them from.

4. Break his knees too.

5. Repeat process till you find the mastermind.

6. Make him watch Titanic over and over again, pausing only to break a knee here or a shin there. This should be done to offer a brief respite from the agony of watching Titanic.


Football stadiums are magnets for crime but only when they are in close proximity to a soccer ball and several thousand spectators. According to information supplied by Police Minister Nathi Mthethwa, nearly 1000 crimes occurred within 1.5kms of stadiums during the world cup. However, the public can rest easy knowing that these incidents only occurred on match days. So until the start of the premier league, feel free to run around the stadiums naked, swinging sacks of money.


Staying with events of the cup, a newly discovered species of flower has been named after the vuvuzela in honour of SA hosting the world cup event. The plant was so named for its flared, yellow flowers and massed, synchronous appearance. Previous choices for names included "Dear Lord, What is that din?" as well as "Holy Crap, I've gone deaf!" But Vuvuzela was found to be less wordy.


A Spanish man, known for being a pitch invader, was given the warmest of SA welcomes when he tried to invade the pitch 10 minutes before the world cup final game. Known as Jimmy Jump, he scampered onto the field and up to the trophy. His deepest wish was to place a little cap on the world cup trophy. His dream was not to be realised for a security official decided to give Jimmy a close-up look of his fist. Unconscious, Jimmy Jump No More, was carried off the field to the waiting world cup court where he was later fined R2000 and asked to jump elsewhere.


And speaking of losing consciousness, a Mandrax factory capable of churning out 210 000 tablets an hour, has been shut down in Balfour, Mpumalanga. Police said they were tipped off when factory took a three-day nap break. Staff were also seen drooling, missing teeth and tripping their tits off.


East London and the winter circumcision death toll has risen to 41. Unfortunately it's the only thing rising this winter according to initiation school officials.

"The winter chill is leaving us with little to work with." said an unnamed source.

Further north, Zimbabwe has joined an ever-growing list of southern African nations that is pushing for, and in some cases, paying for men to go for circumcisions. The reasoning is that it slows the spread of HIV by frightening the penis into hiding. And the logic seems to be sound. Once you swing a scalpel at ones closest friend and proceeds to lop off its favourite jersey, it becomes difficult to regain the trust of the one-eyed, trouser snake.


But undaunted, Zimbabwe has soldiered on. President Robert Mugabe said that his country will not listen to those that want gay rights mentioned in the nation's new constitution. He demonstrated this while addressing an Apostolic Church gathering. He placed his fingers securely in his ears and said "Lalalalalalala! I am not listening to you! Lalalalala!"

This was the same technique used by Mugabe during his land restitution programme codenamed "Grand Theft Zimbabwe."


Further to the north but just as oppressive, Iran's atomic chief Dances With A-Bombs Ali Akbar Saleh announced that his nation had produced 20kgs of 20% enriched uranium.

At the UN, the nations of the western world sprang into action.

"Yeah, right." Sniggered The West.

"We have." Iran insisted.

"No way." Said The West.

"Yes way." Iran persevered.

"Well stop that." Said The West.

"How about no." Replied Iran.

"Have some more sanctions then." Said The West.

"Yeah, right. Like that's ever worked." Guffawed Iran.

"Oh well, I guess we've done all we can. Thank you UN, for giving us this effective platform for solving our problems."

"Okay wait," said Iran. "We'll meet you half way. We won't stone this blatantly adulterous woman, even though she's asking for it."

"Fair enough." Said The West. "At least the people have stopped whining."

Progress through politics. We are so screwed.


Facebook has launched a panic button for young kids and teenagers to thwart the pedos with. However, they said that for the time being, they're going to hold off on the "WHO THE HELL IS THIS DOUCHEBAG THAT KEEPS ON FRIEND REQUESTING ME?" Button. It is feared that such a button could crash the social networking website from overuse.


According to a German court, it's not the parents fault if their child chunders in your taxi. This after an incident when a German couple travelling in a taxi asked the driver to stop as their daughter was unwell. The child then tossed her cookies. The court ruled that parents are only liable if they knew their child was nauseous and still did nothing to prevent the damage. So, the message is clear. If your kids going to heave, make sure you know before you leave.


If the next war for the US comes from China, it could be Usher's fault. It seems the R&B sensation has decided to play Beijing and open his concert by singing in Chinese. Let us hope that the authorities don't take offence when "It's goin down on isle 3, he'll bag ya like some groceries."


On to songs with lyrics, The Village People, creators of the actions song YMCA, have said that they won't be changing the name of their song even though the YMCA is now officially known as "the Y". The name change came after 2 years of research proved that people don't know what the organisation does. Therefore they switched from YMCA to the Y. Yeah, that does make it a whole lot clearer.


A woman in Pontiac, Detroit has been sentenced to a 9 to 30 year jail sentence for having sex with her son. But wait, there's more. She originally gave him up for adoption. Then, 14 years later, tracked him down via Facebook in 2008. Naturally, the next step was to consummate their reunion. Sometimes, Al-Qaeda's anger makes so much sense. If only that kid had the Facebook anti-pedo button. He could've been spared the horror.


Scientists at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology (MIT) have created a fabric that can hear and emit noise. Dating men worldwide have seen this as a great stride in preventing relationship arguments. It won't be long now before the outfit she's wearing will tell her if it's making her look fat.


German police in Hannover are testing a new way to find human remains. They're going to use vultures. The details as to how they'll train tow-truck drivers to find the dead, is sketchy at the moment, but have assured the public that should you die in a car accident, finding you will be no problem.


The Vatican has successfully tested its new Anti-Sinner Smiting radio tower. A court- ordered study has found that electromagnetic waves beamed from by Vatican Radio leave residents living near the station's antennae at a higher risk of risk of cancer. Proving that if you want to be close to God, best you behave.


A 47-year-old New Mexico man whose pants and prosthetic leg were set on fire by his friends after he lost a drinking bet. Here's how it happened. The guy was drinking with his friends. Why? To celebrate his release from probation for a 2007 drunken driving, burglary and auto theft conviction. Heck, if he had an Uzi, it'd be Grand Theft Auto. Sheriff's investigators opened a criminal case last Thursday to determine if the friends should be charged even though the man agreed to be lit on fire. At the very least they should bve charged with operating Jack Daniels without a brain cell. Cops found him on the night of the incident, on US Route 70, naked, with him prosthetic leg ablaze. As the saying goes, with friends like these...


And finally... Sunday marked Madiba's 92nd birthday. To mark this momentous occasion, people across the globe were encouraged to spend 67 minutes of their lives to change the world for the better. These 67 minutes represent the 67 years Nelson Mandela spent in politics.

This raises my point for this monologue.

The man spent 67 years in politics, 27 years in jail and he was married to Winnie. I think he's done enough.

CAN WE PLEASE LET THE MAN ENJOY HIS DAMN RETIREMENT ALREADY?!

Quit trying to further your agendas by turning Madiba into a figurehead for your cause. His name is not Zakumi.

Madiba, this year I wish you a peaceful and restful birthday, free from the 6000 or so nameless hangers-on that'll be clamouring to meet you; an organised army of name-droppers that you don't even know. As an added bonus gift, I will happily climb a clock tower with a rifle to make them get the message and go away.

Peace and love Madiba. Happy Birthday from The Opening Monologue


This concludes this week's edition of The Opening Monologue. See you next week and remember, you haven't heard it all till you've heard The Last Say On Sunday.

Goodbye.

Posted by vittorio at 8:00 PM | Comments (0)

July 21, 2010

Stand-up Comedy @ The Globe Theatre, Gold Reef City

Wednesday the 21st of July 2010

The Globe Theatre
Gold Reef City Casino
Directions: http://www.goldreefcity.co.za/directions.php
GPS: S 26° 14' 15" E 28° 00' 48"

Book at Computicket: http://www.computicket.com/web/event/parker_s_gold_reef_21_july/175803950

Join me on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=91633385882
Join The Opening Monologue: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=303236570417

Line-up: Tony Stewart (MC), Vittorio Leonardi and UK Comic, John Newton.

Show Starts: 20:30
Entrance Fee: R50

Posted by vittorio at 8:30 PM | Comments (0)

July 22, 2010

Stand-up Comedy @ The Venetian Show Bar, The Marco Polo Casino

Thursday the 22nd of July 2010

The Venetian Show Bar
The Marco Polo Casino, Nelson Mandela Square
8 Maude Street, Johannesburg, Gauteng, South Africa 2146

Directions: http://www.themarcopolo.co.za/marcopolomap.pdf

Join me on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?v=info&gid=91633385882
Join The Opening Monologue: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=303236570417&ref=ts

Come join us for an evening of Stand-up Comedy brought to you by The Marco Polo Casino.

Line-up: Vittorio Leonardi (MC), Magic Man and Dave Levinsohn.

Show Starts: 20:30
Entrance Fee: FREE!!

Posted by vittorio at 8:30 PM | Comments (0)

July 24, 2010

Stand-up Comedy @ ICON

Saturday the 24th of July 2010

ICON
The Jabula Recreation Centre
Athlone Avenue, Sandringham

Come on down and experience all things fantastical in The Kingdom of Geekdom. We, your noble comedians will endeavour to entertain you with tails of daring do... and possibly fart jokes too.

Join me on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?v=info&gid=91633385882
Join The Opening Monologue: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=303236570417&ref=ts

For more information, you can download the ICON brochure at:
http://www.rpg.co.za/index.php?option=com_docman&task=doc_download&gid=46&Itemid=28

Line-up: Vittorio Leonardi (MC), Warren Robertson Melt Sieberhagen.

Show starts: 19:30
Entrance Fee: R50 and includes a free drink at the cash bar.

Posted by vittorio at 7:30 PM | Comments (0)

July 28, 2010

Stand-up Comedy @ Bubba J's

Wednesday the 28th of July 2010
Bubba J's Sports and Comedy Cafe

Corner of Finch & Reier Road, Atlasville

Brought to you by Nomad Comedy

Join me on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?v=info&gid=91633385882
Join The Opening Monologue: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=303236570417&ref=ts

Line-up: Alyn Adams (MC), Vittorio Leonardi and Joey Rasdien.

Show Starts: 21:00
Entrance Fee: R20

Posted by vittorio at 9:00 PM | Comments (0)

July 29, 2010

Stand-up Comedy @ The Venetian Show Bar, The Marco Polo Casino

Thursday the 29th of July 2010

The Venetian Show Bar
The Marco Polo Casino, Nelson Mandela Square
8 Maude Street, Johannesburg, Gauteng, South Africa 2146

Directions: http://www.themarcopolo.co.za/marcopolomap.pdf

Join me on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?v=info&gid=91633385882
Join The Opening Monologue: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=303236570417&ref=ts

Come join us for an evening of Stand-up Comedy brought to you by The Marco Polo Casino.

Line-up: Vittorio Leonardi (MC), Shaun Wewege and Chris James.

Show Starts: 20:30
Entrance Fee: FREE!!

Posted by vittorio at 8:30 PM | Comments (0)