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June 1, 2010

The Opening Monologue - 01/06/2010

The Opening Monologue - Tuesday the 1st of June 2010
Written by Vittorio Leonardi.


Good evening.

The ruling party has been in fine form this past week: Witchcraft, superstition, jiggery-pokery, and the destruction of several informal throne rooms were all part of their repertoire this past week as the chains of logic were unlocked and a general state of psychosis swept the collective brainwaves of a party heading for early onset senility. In short, there was much poo being thrown around

Meanwhile, on the other side of the globe, two icons, one of film, the other of TV, were lost to The Reaper last week. Dennis Hopper (74), the original Easy Rider, died due to complications from prostate cancer. And Gary Coleman (42), the diminutive child star of Diff'rent Strokes fame, died after falling, hitting his head and suffering an epidural haematoma (a build up of blood on the brain causing pressure).

They will be missed. And as one looks out at the field of shenanigans going on this week, there are times I think Gary is looking down at us saying, "What'choo talkin' 'bout, Jacob?"

So let's kick off with our president.

Anyone trying to leave the ANC will feel the wrath of the ancestors. This was a message not from a sangoma or even the ANC Youth League. Believe it or not, this fine example of superstitious mumbo-jumbo was uttered by our own president, Jacob Zuma. He was the guest speaker at a recruitment campaign at the Kamlushwa Stadium in Mpumalanga. Apparently he was asked to inform the crowd of 30 000 rural people that lunch was soon be served and got a little carried away.

His warnings included such pearls as:

"The ANC will exist forever. If you try to harm the party, the ancestors will expose you."

Regarding COPE:

"The ancestors are making them sick. Such groups will never be able to exist outside the ANC; they will die."

So just to clarify, all the ancestors are ANC supporters and if you walk out on the ANC, the ancestors will pull your pants down, expose you and kill you. Interesting... So are we to assume that they are using a quick-acting ghostly AIDS virus? But what if, for arguments sake, that some of the ancestors are affiliated to the IFP and PAC. Do they also get to smite certain floor-crossing non-believers or are they exempt from the joys of ectoplasmic sodomy and murder?

All attempts to reach the ancestors on the Presidential Ouija Board Hotline proved unsuccessful.


Speaking of the IFP, the IFP Youth Brigade - the group presumably created to put out burning IFP members - recently stated that Julius Malema is the "only factory fault among us."

They had decided to hit back after certain comments made by Malema about IFP President Mangosuthu Buthelezi.

"His behaviour is not only un-African, but crude by the standards of any culture, which makes him the only factory fault amongst us. While we find it flattering that Mr Malema would devote some of his time to the IFP at an ANC Youth League conference, we want to remind him that we are of the opinion that he is nothing more than an ill-bred brat with verbal diarrhoea." IFPYB chairperson Lebenya-Ntanzi said.

Daaaaamn!! Pwned dude!


However, Julius Malema had nothing to say. This wasn't due to a much hoped for case of laryngitis. He was far too busy defending his recent actions in an interview with the BBC. According to the interview, Julius doesn't feel betrayed by the ANC or JZ for getting that quaint slap on the wrist a while back. He is still to attend any of the anger management classes he was ordered to.

Zuma "whipped the youth into line" whenever he saw "anything wrong", Malema told the BBC.

However, Malema also refused to admit he had done anything wrong.

He then followed this statement with the usual script about the emancipation of blacks and Africans (which seem to be two different groups in his mind) and that land reform must be democratic. Let us not forget, an angry mob can democratically vote to pull a Zimbabwe on ones farm.

After he gave this rousing pile of rhetoric, he got into his luxury sedan, drove past 12 homeless people to his poverty-stricken, utilitarian mansion. Designated Distraction Man's struggle against poverty continues.


In a similar vein, the ANC Youth League in the Western Cape decided it was time for the shit to hit the fan. Last Tuesday, the Youth League called on it's to vandalise the City of Cape Town over poor service delivery.

Turnabout is definitely fair point at this point. If large chunks of Gauteng could be set ablaze because the ANC wasn't doing its job then it's only fair that the same should be done to the Cape.

A kind of equal opportunity apathy drive.

"We are going to destroy everything and make the city ungovernable," ANCYL Dullah Omar region secretary Loyiso Nkohla said.

"We are calling on all youth to do this [vandalise the city], especially those living in informal settlements."

The youth league members then went about tearing down corrugated iron toilet enclosures that had just been built by the city. That'll show 'em.

*Note: Youth league boss fellas would later pull a Donald Rumsfeld by saying that no such statements were made despite there being proof of said statements.

It should be noted that most of the time, the reason politicians don't appear on the television to give these statements is that they do not wish to have their verbal defecation caught on camera. As we all know, there's nothing worse than a poo pie exploding from your pie-hole when you're giving an impassioned speech.

The Youth League did set a landmark president in being the first group to use the word shit when talking to a government minister in a formal letter.

The ANCYL Dullah Omar branch had written an open letter to Human Settlements Minister Tokyo Sexwale asking him to intervene in the toilet debacle. (Why is it always a debacle?)

"Our complaint is based on the reality that African people residing in Makhaza, Khayelitsha, are forced to shit in full view of the public,"

And he's right. Usually you have to pay extra for that kind of action.


Moving much further afield, bank robbers in the German village of Malliss had to flee empty handed and ears bleeding after they managed to blow up every part of the bank... except where the money was.

They blew off the roof of the bank and damaged buildings and cars in a 100 metre radius. But among the debris, the untouched cash machine was clearly visible

"The explosion was so big, they had to run away without the money," said local police spokesman Niels Borgmann. "Something evidently didn't work the way the robbers wanted it to."

Clearly they didn't follow the rules learned from Michael Caine in The Italian Job.

"You're only supposed to blow the bloody doors off!!"


Meanwhile, in Paris, Venus Williams decided to strut her butt in an outfit that looked like a reject from The Moulin Rouge. Crowds at The French Open got to see Williams in a black lace corset with tight, skin-coloured underwear that left a few patrons dialing for their therapists.

Regarding the outfit Williams said, "It's really about the illusion. Like you can wear lace, but what's the point of wearing lace when there's just black under,"

"The illusion of just having bare skin is definitely for me a lot more beautiful. So it's really not about anything else other than just that skin showing."

"I try to represent what I think my personality is on the court." she said.

So clearly, this week her on-court personality is "Skank." One wonders if her coach took the bait and came dressed as her pimp.


And finally... An unstable workforce can show itself in several ways. They can go on strike, show decreased productivity or in the case of Taiwan's Hon Hai Precision Industry's Foxconn facility, your workers can kill themselves. Ten workers have committed suicide to protest over poor wages at the plant.

According to management, the workers' wages are now set to be raised by 20%. They just aren't sure when.

"It may help the suicide situation, because we workers just need money and the financial pressure on us is great," said a Foxconn employee surnamed Wang, reached by telephone at the company's factory in Longhua, an industrial town north of Shenzhen. "Every little bit helps."

It's a shame our own workforce lacks the same dedication. The next time you see striking workers, don't be surprised if you hear management scream:

"La, la, la, la! You haven't killed yourselves! We're not listening! La, la, la!"

This concludes this week's edition of The Opening Monologue. See you next week and remember, you haven't heard it all till you've heard The Last Say On Sunday.

Goodbye.

Posted by vittorio at 8:24 PM | Comments (0)

June 2, 2010

Stand-up Comedy @ The Globe Theatre, Gold Reef City

Wednesday the 2nd of June 2010

The Globe Theatre
Gold Reef City Casino
Directions: http://www.goldreefcity.co.za/directions.php
GPS: S 26° 14' 15" E 28° 00' 48"

Book at Computicket: http://www.computicket.com/web/event/parker_s_gold_reef_2_june/169445325?referer=%2Fhighlights%2Findex%2F0%2F1_1_19765411%2F0%2Fgrid%2F

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Line-up: Vittorio Leonardi (MC), Shaun Wewege and US Comic, Dwayne Perkins.

Show Starts:
20:30
Entrance Fee: R50

Posted by vittorio at 8:30 PM | Comments (0)

June 3, 2010

Stand-up Comedy @ The Venetian Show Bar, The Marco Polo Casino

Thursday the 3rd of June 2010
The Venetian Show Bar

The Marco Polo Casino, Nelson Mandela Square
8 Maude Street, Johannesburg, Gauteng, South Africa 2146

Directions: http://www.themarcopolo.co.za/marcopolomap.pdf

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Come join us for an evening of Stand-up Comedy brought to you by The Marco Polo Casino.

Line-up: Vittorio Leonardi (MC), US Comic, Chris James and The Godfather of SA Comedy, Mel Miller.

Show Starts: 20:30
Entrance Fee: FREE!!

Posted by vittorio at 8:30 PM | Comments (0)

June 8, 2010

The Opening Monologue - 08/06/2010

The Opening Monologue - Tuesday the 8th of June 2010
Written by Vittorio Leonardi.

Good evening.

Last week proved, once again, that the universe will always seek balance. One force will push in the direction of the positive and another will push in the direction of the negative. However, perception always seems to give the impression that the down low pushes far harder than the upbeat. Simply put, as the joy of the World Cup begins to peak, so sags the elaborate machine called Government.

With so much up and down, it comes as no surprise that President JZ is expecting another heir. Some might say that that's a poor choice of words. And you're right. Why on earth would anyone declare themselves president for life and rule a nation as their own kingdom. Mr. Mugabe, any thoughts?

All these tales and more in this week's edition of The Opening Monologue with our first salvo aimed at The Police.

When the gun amnesty came into being, gun nuts nationwide lamented the loss of their trusted Betsy or faithful Painless. How were their kids going to learn gun safety if the grown-ups couldn't leave their weapons lying around for the tykes to blow their faces off with? Well, never fear, the police are here. To show solidarity with the legions of gun-slinging, bullet jockeys across the nation, the cops have been losing their guns too. For the last two years the cops have either lost, had stolen and unofficially sold off around 5 300 firearms. 565 of them have been recovered, conveniently, in the hands of criminals. There is also a slight possibility that some of them were destroyed with the 80 000+ confiscated weapons taken in the amnesty. Oh well, at least they're out of circulation. Whew, thats a load off my mind.

Police Minister Nathi Mthethwa stated that there will be the obligatory investigation into the matter. Hopefully, it will be led by honest cops. Yup, all four of them. They have them on 4-hour shifts so it works out.


Speaking of pointless gestures, Cosathu has threatened to leave its alliance with the ANC if the ruling party persists with bringing disciplinary charges against its leader Zwelinzima Vavi. It seems Vavi ruffled many a preened political tail feather by saying that ANC senior members were using their political connections to get rich.

Clearly, he didn't get the memo.

He also accused co-operative governance minister Sicelo Shiceka of inflating his CV credentials and Communications Minister Siphiwe Nyanda of running up unjustified hotel bills of R500 000. You might remember that Vavi was the man who called for lifestyle audits of high-ranking officials a while back. Apparently once the ANC big wigs were done rolling about on the floor, they picked themselves up, dusted themselves off and said "How about no."

I think somebody's just discovered that all that hoopla about equality for the workers was just window dressing for votes.

Cosathu, having backed the JZ election train, reiterated that they'd like the president to do more for workers, shift policy to the left and do more for the poor. They then asked the ANC to stop laughing as it was very unprofessional.


On the subject of laughter. Eskom, the beleaguered, broke, destitute national electricity supplier, is laughing all the way to the bank. They just posted a profit. No, that's not a typo. Eskom, who were mewling more than a stuck pig at dinner time that they were sans funds, just posted a profit of R3.6 billion. Did I miss something? Didn't these jizz stains say they were broke? Or did they do what one does when they're on a blind date that's going south and the bill comes? They stuck us with the cheque as they scampered out the bathroom window.

They claim that after re-negotiating derivative contracts, they freed up R4.6 billion in liabilities. This, coupled with the country paying through the nose for electricity meant they now have cash again.

Acting Eskom chairperson and CEO Mpho Makwana said Eskom was now on a strong path to recovery.

"Last year we made a commitment to break even this year. We have bettered that," said Makwana.

"South Africa can now take solace in the knowledge that Eskom is less of a burden and returning to the jewel in the SA crown it was once was."

Tell you what Mpho, we'll take solace in Eskom when you drop our rates. And stop laughing. It's very unprofessional.


Picking up speed, the first phase of The Gautrain has been opened. And almost immediately, tourism minister Jeff Radebe was struck by foot in mouth disease as he unleashed this pearl about the effect this new technological marvel would have on the populace.

It would reduce single-vehicle occupancy, pollution and gridlock, by getting people to travel en-masse, "cut away" the individualism of the past and, at the same time" unleash national pride", he said in Midrand last week Saturday night.

And he was doing so well. Cut away individualism, huh? Isn't that sweet? How fascist of you, Jeff.


And speaking of that delightful system of government. Up north, Malawi's president Bingu wa Mutharika has asked his ultra-homophobic country to stop referring to a gay couple's wedding as "satanic" after he pardoned their 14-year prison sentence for sodomy.

And he should've just left it there but then he got that foot and mouth disease that's doing the rounds. His statements on the matter included:

"The story ends there... I don't want to hear anyone commenting on them. Nobody is authorised to comment on the gays. You will spoil things,"

He said the gay couple's wedding was "satanic because they committed a crime against our culture, against our religion and against our laws".

"I am looking at donors now... what will they say about the pardon," Mutharika said.

Donors bankroll more than half of the country's development budget.

"Is it possible to stop aid to Malawi because of two people who are insane?" he asked.

Mutharika said he had pardoned them because "to err is human and to forgive is divine".

Wow. Julius, is this your daddy?


Meanwhile, elsewhere on the planet... It's one thing to lose your keys, or your phone. But, the state of Denver in the US has taken it to a whole new level.

They lost a piece of The Moon. Yup, they misplaced a piece of the big glowy thing in the sky.

The state was given Moon rocks back in 1974 - worth about $5 million on the black market - and now they can't find them. Few even realised they existed till a student began searching for them for an assignment.

Another set of moon rocks collected in 1969 was found in storage at the state history museum about a decade ago. They are now on display on the third floor of the state Capitol.

Neither the history museum nor the Denver Museum of Nature & Science has the second set of rocks and the governor's office doesn't know where they are, The Denver Post reports.

Oh really? Has the governor checked the space between his ears? It's a piece of the Moon you twit! One does not treat it as a paper weight!!


And Finally... Lauren Rosenberg, a citizen of the state of Utah, USA, has filed a $100 000 lawsuit. That's nothing new from the litigation nation. However, her reasoning for the lawsuit is what nets her my "And Finally" mention. Her lawsuit is against Google. She claims Google Maps supplied her with bad directions that got her run over.

She asked Google Maps for walking directions which she downloaded to her Blackberry. The route supplied to her led her to walk through Park City, on a road without pavements. Now, up until this point she has a claim. However, knowing full well that the road was dangerous to pedestrians, she used it anyway and was then flabbergasted to find herself airborne on a car's bumper.

Gee, what are the odds?

I have no doubt that she'll win her case. But, one has to wonder if there's a penalty for being stupid in the state of Utah. Surely bringing such a law onto the books would limit the number of frivolous lawsuits filed. Who knows? Perhaps it was the fault of all that moon rock in her head.


This concludes this week's edition of The Opening Monologue. See you next week and remember, you haven't heard it all till you've heard The Last Say On Sunday.

Goodbye.

Posted by vittorio at 7:54 PM | Comments (0)

June 9, 2010

Stand-up Comedy @ Tony's Spaghetti Grill

Wednesday the 9th of June 2010
Tony's Spaghetti Grill
The Leaping Frog Garden Centre, Corner of Mulbarton Avenue and William Nicol, Lonehill, Johannesburg, Gauteng.

Directions:
Travel north on William Nicol Drive, past the Fourways Mall Shopping Centre, until you reach The Leaping Frog Garden Shopping Center, on the right hand side, cnr Mulbarton Avenue, Lonehill.

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Line-up: Vittorio Leonardi (MC) and Tshepo Mogale.

Show Starts: 20:00
Entrance Fee: FREE!

Posted by vittorio at 8:00 PM | Comments (0)

June 10, 2010

Stand-up Comedy @ The Venetian Show Bar, The Marco Polo Casino

Thursday the 10th of June 2010
The Venetian Show Bar

The Marco Polo Casino, Nelson Mandela Square
8 Maude Street, Johannesburg, Gauteng, South Africa 2146

Directions: http://www.themarcopolo.co.za/marcopolomap.pdf

Join me on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?v=info&gid=91633385882
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Come join us for an evening of Stand-up Comedy brought to you by The Marco Polo Casino.

Line-up: Vittorio Leonardi (MC), Dale Amler and Conrad Koch.

Show Starts: 20:30
Entrance Fee: FREE!!

Posted by vittorio at 8:30 PM | Comments (0)

June 15, 2010

The Opening Monologue - 15/06/2010

The Opening Monologue - Tuesday the 15th of June 2010
Written by Vittorio Leonardi.


Good evening.

The world cup has kicked off, momentary deafness has set in but the world just keeps on turning. Believe it or not, non-football related nonsense continues to happen worldwide without a hint of stopping. These stories await you below.

So, let's let the chips fall where they may because tomorrow's the maid's day off here on The Opening Monologue!


According to President Jacob Zuma, he should not be susceptible to prosecution as this will hamper him in doing his job. This comes after the DA once again tried to find out why the National Prosecuting Authority dropped its case against him. One would think that JZ would welcome the time off. Why not have him investigated post World Cup? While the investigation goes on, he can endeavour to discover who was putting it to one of his own harem. Recent claims say it was the chauffeur. Apparently he needed help operating his stick shift. One can see why the office of the president initially tried to keep that story under wraps As we all know, polygamy is fine, it's sleeping around is just wrong. And with the help? As if!


Julius Malema is afraid that the ANC Youth League has been infiltrated. Unconfirmed reports say that certain members of the youth league have become capable of critical thinking and such open mindedness is simply not welcome. Julius didn't say who the infiltrators were. However, he did say that their mission was to destroy the youth league and, by extension, the ANC itself. These "people" had an agenda against JZ and they were also attempting to ensure that there was a "gap" between the youth league and the parent body. That gap is called thinking. At the mere mention of the word, there was much booing from the gathered crowd and a few members even fainted.

And proof of this sinister "agenda" showed itself recently when a Rustenburg farmer laid a charge of inciting genocide against Designated Distraction Man, Julius Malema. The difference? He's laid the charge at The International Criminal Court in The Hague. The charge reads that by singing "Kill the Boer" Julius was inciting his followers to commit genocide. The youth league said that that was a great big pile of poo. In an unrelated story, Julius Malema is now singing his revised song entitled "Kiss the Boer".


There was no direct evidence that former AWB leader Eugene Terre'Blanche was murdered, the Ventersdorp Magistrate's court heard last Thursday. The defence claimed that the accused, Chris Mahlangu, had acted merely in self defence. Well, either that or Eugene simply beat himself to death. Who knew the man was so talented? A natural leader, farmer, horseman and now, head-banger.


Vuvuzelas are more dangerous than chainsaws, at least to your hearing. This is according to hearing-aid manufacturer, Phonak. Whew, that's a relief. For a second there I thought there would be a spate of slasher films filled with deranged madmen, wearing hockey masks and brandishing vuvuzelas. Unconfirmed reports say that even though Phonak stands to benefit from large scale deafness caused by the instruments, the group thought it should spread the word. That way, later on when we're all saying "Huh?" they can sign "We told you so!"


And speaking of nutters, about 10 Argentine football hooligans, bent on causing all sorts of problems during the footie, were sent packing upon their arrival at OR Tambo airport last week. The police said, "We don't want crazy hellraisers in our city; we have enough of our own, thank you!"


A homeless man sleeping in the bushes at the Suncoast Casino in Durban died when a driver lost control of his vehicle, went through the casino fence and said bushes and came to rest in the casino parking lot. There is as yet no word on whether that means the homeless man won the car. Unofficial reports claim that the man's last words were "G.T.AAAAAIE!!"


Internationally, Steven Segal has offered his expertise as a Hollywood action star in training Costa Rica's Federal Police force. He will be hosting his hit seminar entitled "No Expression - Because why should you act when you're punching someone?" and also the sequel "No Expression 2: The Keanu Reeves Effect"


Staying with all arts martial, Jet Li is planning on filming his first non-martial arts movie later this year. In the film, Li will play an aquarium worker who cares for his autistic son. The film is called Ocean Heaven. There are unconfirmed reports that originally, the film was just another action binge. Apparently, during a fight scene, Li beat his co-star into autism for mocking his acting style. Li allegedly became enraged, pummelling his fellow actor, shouting "I studied acting at the Steven Segal No Expression seminar! How dare you besmirch my honourable sensei's teachings?!!"


Staying with those saddled with a god complex, Police in The Philippines have dug up cocaine on the coast of a central island to the value of $1 million. The cache is part of a much larger stash of Peruvian Marching Powder that was dumped by an unknown South American Drug Cartel. The cartel dumped the stash because they thought they were being watched.

Hmmm... Cocaine and paranoia? Say it ain't so!!

Apparently the police were tipped off to the find when several islanders were observed wrestling sharks shouting "It's my ocean! They built it for me!!"


Elsewhere in the Far East, a high school student in Bangkok has found a novel way to deal with his stress. He burned his school down. Or tried to. He failed at that too. The boy was stressed out by the pressure laid upon him to excel so in an attempt to get sent back home he decided to prepare Boarding School Flambé for his cooking class. The school was overcooked in some places but underdone in others. Oh well, there's always the ladyboy option. Luckily, he's in the right city. Like the Navy says: "In Bangkok, there is no wrong hole."


And finally... The running for World Cup Dumbass is really hotting up with the Argentine 10 in with a firm chance.

Not to be outdone there was the Aussie who has no sense of direction. He passed out drunk in the driveway of a Johannesburg politician. He was wearing typical winter gear for idiots - t-shirt, shorts and flip-flops. When woken up, half-frozen, he thought he was in Cape Town. Who's the drunkest fan now, hey?

But the current favourite has to be The Specialist. Last Monday, an alleged robber sought refuge after a botched crime, and so, ran straight into Parliament to hide. The week of the World Cup, when every cop and his cousin were on duty, he tried to enter the basement of 90 Plein Street. Brandishing a gun, in a panic and suffering from a leg wound, he was quite the sight. A dozen police cars popped by to observe the show and after a few laughs, and an occasional poke with a stick, they carried him to the waiting ambulance. And that's why he's The Specialist. No one but he was that special.


This concludes this week's edition of The Opening Monologue. See you next week and remember, you haven't heard it all till you've heard The Last Say On Sunday.

Goodbye.

Posted by vittorio at 9:00 PM | Comments (0)

June 22, 2010

The Opening Monologue - 22/06/2010

The Opening Monologue - Tuesday the 22nd of June 2010
Written by Vittorio Leonardi.


Good evening.

The wheels on the bus go round and round and if you look real close you'll get to see the gears, cogs and pistons churning away to the music of the world. And every now and then, you'll get to see as glitch in the machine. Sometimes small, sometimes gargantuan, but always, entertaining. Especially if your view of the world is somewhat skewed. For those of you with a view askew, here comes a highlights reel of the week that was.

June 16th - commemorating the Soweto Uprisings - came to us on the coattails of an all encompassing World Cup event. But this didn't stop the powers that be from remembering past events. But as is sometimes the way of these things, someone has to put their foot in it. President Jacob Zuma marked Youth Day by putting his foot in his mouth, if ever so briefly. He dropped this gem:

"It is still baffling as to why someone would torch down a clinic because they do not have a school or destroy a library because the water taps have run dry,"
said Zuma in a speech prepared for delivery on Youth Day in Thulamahashe, Mpumalanga last Wednesday.

Well, and this is just a guess, could it be that people have just heard one vuvuzela blast too many and need to vent? I doubt it has anything to do with poor service delivery or a lack of facilities. It also has nothing to do with the slew of government officials that seem to have permanent poop factories installed where their mouths should be.


However, all is not lost. Minister of Human Settlements, Tokyo Sexwale, just realised that there might be a small corruption problem in the government housing department. Huzzah!! As such, he has ordered a national audit to try rein in housing beneficiaries illegally selling their properties. Sexwale did cover his own tail early on by stating that the tracing of these people would be difficult since they have the sense to behave in a fraudulent way. Tsk, tsk, how are the police to do their job if they leave them no clues? Here's a thought. When you sell a property, you get cash and lots of it. Therefore, look for the minister wearing a smug grin, singing "I Shot the Sheriff" and I'm guessing you'll have your man.


Staying with crime, Police Chief Bheki Cele has accused foreigners of taking advantage of the country's rampant crime to commit crimes of their own. Unconfirmed reports say that the local market is saturated and doesn't need any further stimulus. One former hijacker said:

"It's getting so that there's a queue of hijackers for every car. And some tourists only want to get hijacked in their own language. I'm forced to be a street mime on William Nicol in my off duty hours, just to make ends meet."


In World Cup news this week: An earthquake measuring 4.3 on The Richter Scale struck the West Rand last Monday afternoon. FIFA was quick to say that it had nothing to do with noise from vuvuzelas and that the tremor was in no way related to the current strike season occurring in Durban. Unconfirmed reports say that the quake might have been caused by Eskom moving its Bonus Wallet around. But the wallet is soon to lose a ton of weight - R9.6 million worth - as Eskom pays its top brass performance shares. When unions asked why they weren't getting their requested 18% wage increase, Eskom's board of directors had to be rushed to hospital suffering from laugh-induced asthma.


Dumb comment of the week goes to the Gauteng Health Department. According to them, the resignation of 17 doctors from the Leratong Hospital is not a crisis. Neither, apparently, was the fact that there were 29 vacancies for doctors and 52 vacancies for nurses at the World Cup designated hospital. For this reason, all injured hooligans will be ferried there so that they can receive the proper care they deserve.


A man in Newcastle has proved that sometimes the universe just doesn't like you. He tried to shoot himself with a .22 calibre pistol while sitting in his car. The round lodged in his head. He then got out of his car, attempted to cross the street and was hit by a truck. Thus proving once again, when you can't do something alone, someone's always willing to help.


According to Vaxispace Produksies, their porn film "Amore" has nothing to do with Amor Vittone and Joost Van der Westhuizen. That hasn't stopped the estranged couple from trying to stop the film's release. The plot of the film is totally generic: it's about a couple whose marriage ends after the husband is secretly filmed having sex with a dancer. The man is blackmailed and refuses to pay and the video is then leaked to the media and the story makes headlines. See? Everyone can relax. There are no similarities at all. The most compelling evidence is the title. Just because it sounds the same as your name, Amor, it doesn't mean they're talking about you. Besides, there are no lines in this film.


Moving abroad, Columbian soldiers have rescued 3 hostages that have been held by rebels for 12 years. When asked why it took so long to free them, it was revealed that some joker switched their battle coke with weed and it took a while to get out of the barracks.


Sri Lanka's quota of stupid people has dropped by 15 in the last six months. This after their cellphones led to their deaths. How, you may ask? They were walking on train tracks at the time of their conversations and failed to hear the train coming. One witness said that he heard a victim saying that he was going into a tunnel and would call right back. He didn't.


Japan says it will quit the International Whaling Commission if they aren't allowed to perform research on whales with their harpoons. Head of the Japanese delegation said that no one in Japan likes guns anymore so in an attempt to defend against the possible onslaught of super-sized Americans, they'd like to practice on whales.

"It is an unfortunate side effect that the harpoons kill the whale. Unfortunate, but very tasty, especially with soy sauce."

The IWC is weighing up the possibility of a 50/50 agreement: For every whale killed, a group of Japanese children of equal weight must be harpooned. The Japanese delegation was far from happy with this prospect stating:

"This is unacceptable. We don't eat children. Yet."


The Pope has praised his priests for being a "gift" to the church and the world. At the same time, The Vatican could neither confirm nor deny that the pontiff had started dropping acid. Apparently, his delusions started after seeing a documentary where a priest was filmed making a pass at an actor.

The actor posed as a young parishioner asking for guidance regarding his homosexual tendencies. The priest allegedly made advances to the actor telling the young man that he too, in the past, had homosexual experiences. And then the priest tried to get some tongue. Upon confronting him, the priest offered this pearl:

"I perhaps exaggerated... without realising it," the priest said, adding that he was trying to help the young man. Indeed, out of his pants maybe?

Elsewhere in Rome, an octogenarian former priest admired throughout Italy for his work against drug and alcohol addiction faces charges of molesting children. It is unconfirmed whether he used sodomy as a deterrent.


Across the pond, some deity has been fooling around with the weather cannon again. This was proven when a six-story tall statue of Jesus with his arms raised was struck by lightning and burned to the ground in Monroe, Ohio. Nicknamed "Touchdown Jesus" by the locals, the statue - made from plastic foam and fibreglass mounted on a steel frame - was no match for Mother Nature's field goal. The keepers of the Christ the Redeemer statue in Brazil called to say that perhaps concrete and soapstone may have been a better choice of building material, and that this was in no way a sign of who God supports in soccer.


Researchers in Singapore have shown that while a maggot is feasting on your rotting flesh, it's a good thing if the larva farts on you since the expelled gas has anti-biotic properties. Discovery Health said that the maggot therapy is already covered by their scheme and the maggot farts are currently widely used in their ad campaigns.


And finally... the Providence, Rhode Island school system has proved that the term Ass Hat can indeed be earned when a school cited its no-weapons policy in stopping a second grade pupil from wearing a patriotic hat he made to honour US Troops.

The reason: the camouflage hat emblazoned with an American flag was decorated with small army figures. The school decided that the hat was inappropriate because it had guns on it.

America, you have officially lost your damn minds. Al-Qaeda doesn't need to render you immobile through fear. You're doing their job for them, you Ass Hats!


This concludes this week's edition of The Opening Monologue. See you next week and remember, you haven't heard it all till you've heard The Last Say On Sunday.

Goodbye.

Posted by vittorio at 8:04 PM | Comments (0)

June 23, 2010

Stand-up Comedy @ Bubba J's

Wednesday the 23rd of June 2010
Bubba J's Sports and Comedy Cafe

Corner of Finch & Reier Road, Atlasville

Brought to you by Nomad Comedy

Join me on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?v=info&gid=91633385882
Join The Opening Monologue: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=303236570417&ref=ts

Line-up: Magic Man (MC) and Vittorio Leonardi.

Show Starts: 21:00
Entrance Fee: R20

Posted by vittorio at 9:00 PM | Comments (0)

June 24, 2010

Stand-up Comedy @ The Venetian Show Bar, The Marco Polo Casino

Thursday the 24th of June 2010
The Venetian Show Bar

The Marco Polo Casino, Nelson Mandela Square
8 Maude Street, Johannesburg, Gauteng, South Africa 2146

Directions: http://www.themarcopolo.co.za/marcopolomap.pdf

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Join The Opening Monologue: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=303236570417&ref=ts

Come join us for an evening of Stand-up Comedy brought to you by The Marco Polo Casino.

Line-up: Vittorio Leonardi (MC), Nqoba Ngcobo and Tony King.

Show Starts: 18:45
Entrance Fee: FREE!!

Posted by vittorio at 6:45 PM | Comments (0)

June 29, 2010

The Opening Monologue - 29/06/2010

The Opening Monologue - Tuesday the 29th of June 2010
Written by Vittorio Leonardi.


Good evening.

This past week, our nation's World Cup Soccer madness continued to build, as teams reached the start of the elimination round. And if you're looking for information on that tournament here, you'd be in the wrong place, for there are many other sad, crazy and wondrous still going on in the world.

And the best part?

They have nothing to do with grown men being paid vast sums to play a child's game.

So let's let the healing begin as I show you that there are crazier people in this world than you've already had the pleasure of meeting.

The Hawks a.k.a. The Scorpions v2.0, will in future, face random integrity tests to prove that they are honest. These tests are to include being offered bribes and being offered opportunities to act unethically. But wait, there's more. They will also have random compulsory drug screening and lie detector testing to prove their ongoing integrity.

The Roman poet Juvenal once wrote "Who will guard the guards themselves?"

A phrase more commonly known as "Who watches the watchmen?"

I'd like to take it one step further: "Who moderates the moderators?"

When asked why this system why government officials were not subjected to these rigours of honesty, a spokesperson for the Hawks said:

"Don't be stupid. If we did that, who would we arrest?"


It's finally happened! A SA tabloid has finally joined the global sleaze brigade by being censured over a story. Not for its poor taste but for not telling everyone that the pictures were staged. The Daily Voice ran a story about poor Cape Flats residents that were eating animals to survive. The outcry came when some people thought that the pictures were real. Psychologists have since been dispatched to these poor souls that thought there was truth to be had in a tabloid.

And what was the title of this aggravating article?

"I eat pussy to survive. These hungry Flats mense will kill, cook and chow your pets."

Mmmm. Very tasteful.

Believe it or not, you can't publish pictures of a man about to bite a cat without getting people upset. Who'da thunk it? However, the SPCA was at a loss to explain how, after the story's publication, a truck filled with Yorkshire Terriers arrived with the gift card that read: "Enjoy."


Our government has a plan to boost the economy and provide more jobs. The only stumbling block: Lower wages. It makes sense that if you pay less to some, then it frees up funds to create work. I'm good with that. At this point, I nominate the boss fellas of Eskom that just got paid a R1 million bonus and also, any government member that have spent more than the GDP of Sierra Leone on a new car. Gentlemen, if you lead by example, we'll happily push you off that cliff.

Another idea on the government table is the introduction of mandatory third party insurance for all road users. It seems that about 70% of SA road users are driving without insurance.
Here's a thought: What say we make sure the license and registration on every car is legal before we worry about insurance. Besides, playing bumper cars is the national weekend sport, second only to drinking and Rugby.


Speaking of sport, a local Metro Policeman is busy learning one of the hard lessons of hosting a major sporting event. If you want to make money out of the tourists, you can't charge exorbitant rates. An American soccer fan reminded him of this by laying a charge of attempted bribery against him. Apparently the greedy public servant wanted a R1000 bribe, well over the usually negotiated rate of a Coke, KFC or whatever you had in your boot.


Staying with America, the US military is closing its bases in Germany. It would seem that after 65 years, the Allies are pretty sure that Hitler is dead and that Germany will not re-offend, thus proving that forced occupation does work. And speaking of invading forces, it would seem that opium use has doubled in Afghanistan since 2005. This has both concerned and frightened Coalition forces in the beleaguered nation.

"Drug trafficking finances terrorism. We can't allow that to happen since we need the money to fund our own wars of freedom."

When asked about the best way forward, a spokesman for Coalition Forces said:

"We're planning on dropping drugs on insurgence as this will make them stand still and easier to hit. We can't sell what's already been smoked."

The UN report that showed these findings says it can't find any concrete for the surge in drug. It also re-iterated that it had nothing to do with the suicide bombings and gunfire plaguing the region.


It's official, North Korea has gas. At least these were the findings after a scan of the air by South Korean forces at the border between the two nations. The scans became necessary after the North claimed they had successfully performed a nuclear fusion reaction. The South thought that, as usual, the Dear Leader was, again, being full of it. But this time, the air was stained with Xenon gas, the tang of destruction.

"North Korea has gas alright, and it smells of Xenon." Said one border guard. When asked to describe the smell, he said "Tangy, with a hint of Kaboom."


This week marked the anniversary of the passing of Michael Jackson. Fans worldwide marked the occasion in their own way remembering their icon. Latoya Jackson was no exception. In an interview she intimated that MJ was murdered for his discography because the powers that be knew he was worth more dead than alive. This, coming from the person whom some thought was MJ at one point.

Later on, some pundits were heard to say, "It's a pity Latoya doesn't have a discography."


Oh how soon some people forget. Indian filmmakers seem to have forgotten the last time that fundamentalists came to town. That must be why Bollywood has decided to make a whacky comedy involving a likeness of Osama Bin Laden. Go for broke lads, do a song involving someone dressed up as the Prophet Mohammed. Al-Qaeda thinks that stuffs hilarious.


Could it be that Robert Pattinson a.k.a. Twilight's Edward Cullen, could have some vampire credibility after all? Apparently his family tree shares a branch with the original neck biter, Vlad III Dracula, otherwise known as Vlad the Impaler. Experts were however not able to immediately answer whether or not that meant that Vlad was a little gay and thus passed it on to Pattinson. If Vlad was gay, it would explain why the Twilight star brought that to his portrayal of vampire, Edward Cullen.


And finally... It's rare that you get to read about and see what crazy looks like. However, the French have one such person. His name is Nicolas Cocaign and he lives in a local prison near the town of Rouen. Why is he a crazy person? He killed and then ate his cellmate... with onions.

I'll explain.

He battered, stabbed and suffocated his cellmate to death. Then he opened up the man's chest and took out what he thought was the man's heart. This later turned out to be a piece of lung. Some of it, he ate raw and then he cooked up the rest with onions for dinner.

Why did he do this?

His cellmate gave him a dirty look.

Why did he want to eat the heart?

"I wanted to take his soul." Said Cocaign.

Now, I know what you're all thinking, because it's what I was thinking as I read this story.

Where did he get the onions from?


This concludes this week's edition of The Opening Monologue. See you next week and remember, you haven't heard it all till you've heard The Last Say On Sunday.

Goodbye.

Posted by vittorio at 8:31 PM | Comments (0)