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May 3, 2010

Open Mic Competition @ Bubba J's

Monday the 3rd of May 2010
Bubba J's Sports and Comedy Cafe

Corner of Finch & Reier Road, Atlasville

Brought to you by Nomad Comedy

Join me on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?v=info&gid=91633385882
Join The Opening Monologue: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=303236570417

Think you have what it takes to be a comic? Then come on down! Four comics a night battle it out every week trying to make the finals with the first prize being cash and tickets to see Jeff Dunham Live!!

Line-up: Vittorio Leonardi (MC), 1st Half: 4 Open Mic Spots battle it out. 2nd Half: Chris Forrest.

Show Starts: 20:30
Entrance Fee: R20/ R50 for the couches!

Posted by vittorio at 8:30 PM | Comments (0)

May 4, 2010

The Opening Monologue - 04/05/2010

The Opening Monologue - Tuesday the 4th of May 2010
Written by Vittorio Leonardi.


Good evening.

After a few weeks of volcanic eruptions and earthquakes, it was only natural that the next theme for the week would be things that go BOOM! From volcanoes to poorly executed terror attacks, the plots thickened worldwide. Locally there were amusements aplenty when, once again, the remedial portion of our population decided to share its opinions with the rest of us.

So let's begin with the bang that almost was.


Nissan was dealt a serious blow to its reliability record this week when one of their Pathfinders broke down in Time Square before it could be detonated. Overloading seems to be the culprit here. It was packed to capacity with propane gas canisters, gasoline, wires, two clocks and fireworks. So at least the blast would've been pretty to look at if viewed from a safe distance... like New Jersey.

The faulty car bomb was first noticed by a t-shirt salesman/Vietnam veteran. He saw the car smoking and alerted the police.

"Smoking in public is illegal so I knew that this would be trouble." he said.

New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg described the bomb as an "amateurish" but potentially deadly attempt to create a fireball. "It's a good thing they didn't use a Fiat Uno instead."

An internet video allegedly from a Pakistani Taliban group, Tarik-e-Taliban claimed responsibility for the botched attack.

"We send our deepest apologies for this lack lustre performance, our usual bomb-maker is off sick and we had to use, Jamal, new guy, instead."

President Obama was briefed on the incident. He immediately responded by sending a LOL EPIC FAIL email to Al-Qaeda. The terrorist group responded by distancing itself from the attack stating that it was a sad and shameful moment for terrorism worldwide.


On to Europe where Italy's public safety chief decided to give his country a collective bowl movement by announcing that Mt. Vesuvius could vaporise between 2 and 5 million people IF it ever wakes up. This is not unlike saying that Ozzy Osbourne could be coherent IF he ever wakes up.

This latest revelation comes after Iceland's Mt. Unpronounceable blew its stack several weeks ago shutting down air traffic worldwide. Since then, Italy has felt left out and wants to prove that it can still shake the pillars of heaven when it comes to volcanic destruction.

"The gauntlet has been thrown down and we have picked it up. Though Vesuvius hasn't done a tour since 1944, we feel it's time for a comeback. Not only can we shut down air traffic but we hope to turn the surrounding ocean to acid too."

Further afield, unconfirmed reports have surfaced of members of the U.S. Geological Survey writing "Go Baby! Go!!" on the side of Mount St. Helens.


Locally, it seems that ATM hunting season is still open. Police discovered 2500kgs of commercial explosives during a raid on a house in the South of Johannesburg.

"We suspect that the explosives were to be used to blow up ATMs." said Lieutenant Colonel Lungelo Dlamini.

ATMs usually come in sizes ranging from 4 to 6 feet tall but recent unconfirmed reports of roving gangs of 20 foot tall ATMs have authorities worried.

"There is concern that some citizens will feel tempted to attack these lumbering cash-carrying behemoths in these recessive times. Giant ATMs are usually rather docile and tend to stay in one place upon finding a mall to roost in. We're more concerned with collateral damage to surrounding stores." Says ATM Anthropology expert Moola Cashman.

An 18 year old woman and a 22 year old man were in the house at the time of the raid on Friday morning. Police didn't believe the story that the detonations of the explosives would be used as the backing track for Danny K's new Kwaito remix of Ta-ra-ra Boom-de-ay. The suspects later claimed that the explosives were to be used to celebrate Diwali.


Some people go out with a bang, but a few arrive because of one. Or in this case several. Germany has found a way to deal with its surplus of paedophile priests. They've decided to go the commercial route of exporting them overseas. And it seems South Africa is the first to receive a surprise delivery.

Surprise because the German authorities didn't feel the need to tell parishioners they were getting a porn-wielding, liquor-plying kiddie fiddler. South Africa does have a long history with German men and child molestation; just ask the street kids at the traffic lights. So the question would then be why they would send this man here.

For starters, he had his own set of commandments which he stuck too religiously so to speak:

1. Thou shalt fondle boys in a parish sauna. (Question 1: Why the hell is there a parish SAUNA?! Is there a parish massage parlour too? Is this where one unwinds after an exorcism?)
2. Thou shalt allow boys to smoke cigarettes and hashish.
3. Thou shalt give away cellphones, gaming consoles and notebook computers. (Question 2: How long did these kids accept these gifts for before they realised they were the girlfriend?)
4. Thou shalt fondle a boy in front of witnesses and place the boy in thine bed. (Question 3: Witnesses? This guy's got balls. And he's touched several more.)
5. Thou shalt have a victim called Christopher to allege that he was given dagga to smoke, which made him defenceless.
6. Thou shalt feed thy victims as much schnapps as they want, then put them in a bed, take off their clothes and abuse them.
7. Thou shalt keep thine computer filled with pornography, and be active on online sex lines. (Question 4: What, were the boys not enough for you greedy bastard?!)
8. Thou shalt have sex toys and lubricant on the night stand. (Question 5: That should be the international sign for run away, surely? Didn't the diocese visit at some point and see the party favours? No it's not a lampshade padre! Arrest that guy!!)
9. Thou shalt have a collection of pubic hair kept in organised plastic jars in ones private study. (Question 6: Did he sort them by thickness, colour and shine? I stand corrected... That is the international sign for run away.)
10. Thou shalt make videos and take photos of your sex acts. (Question 7: Can one assume that this is how he kept the computer filled?)

In his defence he could say that he was just filled with his own brand of religious fervour. But one must remember father, when Jesus said "Suffer the little children; come unto me" that's not what he was talking about!

Now I understand, he was sent here because SA children are more likely to defend themselves. Or at least charge extra.


However there is stupidity and bad judgement everywhere. Transnet says that unless its demands are met, 50000 workers will strike over poor wages, bringing the country to a true standstill. The strike would affect food and fuel delivery as well as any other cartage countrywide. One has to wonder how long they'd be able to keep it up. When the food runs out, it's their fault and their families will turn on them and hopefully eat them.

And how are they going to get to marches when the busses meant to take them there have no fuel because they didn't deliver it?

This pales in comparison to comments made by Cosas (The Congress of SA Students). They are calling for the closure of all Afrikaans medium schools.

"Cosas condemns any racial tendencies that seeks to close doors of learning for the black African students, who are indigenous people of this country and Africa at large by having foreign, unoriginal Afrikaans as a medium of instruction in some racist schools, more especially in the West Rand region under racist Afrikaners management," a statement from Gauteng provincial secretary Oagile Louw said.

"We therefore call... for the immediate closure of such schools."

Cosas said that the sane reaction is to simply close these schools instead of getting the bad management out. When asked about the students already studying there they said that they were working on it, we shouldn't rush them and they'd have an answer as soon as they could find one in an African language... or English.

When asked why Africans could lobby for instruction in their home language but Afrikaans students could not, they stated that Afrikaans is the language of the foreigner. It was then explained that Afrikaans was invented by coloured people during the early settler years upon which The Opening Monologue was called an agent and a bastard and escorted out.


And finally... There's never a cop around when you need one but sometimes you don't even have to call. A police officer lost control of his unmarked car, a VW Golf 5, shot off the M1 North and smashed through the roof of a house in Xavier, Johannesburg South.

The vehicle cleared the high fence and landed in dead centre damaging the bedrooms and bathrooms. The officer was taken to the Garden City Hospital and has been charged with reckless and negligent driving.

However, no charge of housebreaking has been laid.


This concludes this week's edition of The Opening Monologue. See you next week and remember, you haven't heard it all till you've heard The Last Say On Sunday.

Goodbye.

Posted by vittorio at 7:02 PM | Comments (0)

May 6, 2010

Stand-up Comedy @ The Venetian Show Bar, The Marco Polo Casino

Thursday the 6th of May 2010
The Venetian Show Bar

The Marco Polo Casino, Nelson Mandela Square
8 Maude Street, Johannesburg, Gauteng, South Africa 2146

Directions: http://www.themarcopolo.co.za/marcopolomap.pdf

Join me on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?v=info&gid=91633385882
Join The Opening Monologue: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=303236570417&ref=ts

Come join us for an evening of Stand-up Comedy brought to you by The Marco Polo Casino.

Line-up: Vittorio Leonardi (MC), Tshepo Mogale and Alain D. Woolf.

Show Starts: 20:30
Entrance Fee: FREE!!

Posted by vittorio at 8:30 PM | Comments (0)

May 9, 2010

Stand-up Comedy @ Cool Runnings, Melville

Sunday the 9th of May 2010

Comedy Underground
Cool Runnings, 27 4th Ave, Melville. Johannesburg, Gauteng, South Africa.

Information: (+2711) 482 4786

Brought to you by Cool Runnings and Whacked Management.

URL: http://www.whacked.co.za/home.html
Email: taffia@whacked.co.za
Telephone: (+2711) 326 0021
Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=91633385882#/pages/Whacked-Entertainment-Management/144167930317?ref=ts

Join me on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=91633385882
Join The Opening Monologue: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=303236570417

Line-up: Chris Forrest (MC), Two Dogs, Robbie Collins, Rabin Harduth, Duan Baker, Vittorio Leonardi and Loyiso Gola.

Show Starts: 20:00
Entrance Fee: R30

Posted by vittorio at 8:00 PM | Comments (0)

May 10, 2010

Open Mic Competition @ Bubba J's

Monday the 10th of May 2010
Bubba J's Sports and Comedy Cafe

Corner of Finch & Reier Road, Atlasville

Brought to you by Nomad Comedy

Join me on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?v=info&gid=91633385882
Join The Opening Monologue: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=303236570417

Think you have what it takes to be a comic? Then come on down! Four comics a night battle it out every week trying to make the finals with the first prize being cash and tickets to see Jeff Dunham Live!!

Line-up: Vittorio Leonardi (MC), 1st Half: 4 Open Mic Spots battle it out. 2nd Half: Nqoba Ngcobo

Show Starts: 20:30
Entrance Fee: R20/ R50 for the couches!

Posted by vittorio at 8:30 PM | Comments (0)

May 11, 2010

The Opening Monologue - 11/05/2010

The Opening Monologue - Tuesday the 11th of May 2010
Written by Vittorio Leonardi.

Good evening.

The winds of incoherency, naivety and double talk were blowing long and hard from the maws of many a twit this week. It seems that sometimes the ash-launching, sky-darkening gusts billowing forth from Icelandic volcanoes pale in comparison to the utterances of those referred to worldwide as "our leaders." Then there were the brainstorms of people whose thoughts are so scary that we hope that they don't breed.

All this and more waits for you in the lines below so let's kick off with some local news.


Newly elected Gauteng ANC chairperson Paul Mashatile broke a new record this week in taking only a few moments to contradict himself. He stated that the ANC was the centre of power in the country.

"Our position is that there is only one centre... the ANC,"

He then followed it up with:

"Government is not a centre; government is a place where people are deployed to do ANC work."

There you have it folks, the ANC is the centre of power but since the government has no centre, it is merely a depot of sorts. Which then begs the question: Who the hell's driving the bus?

This does explain one thing. We now know why government buildings don't look like a donut. Because the government is not a centre, nor does it have a creamy coating or a chocolate filling. It runs on gravy.


Julius Malema was honoured last week. He was listed in Time Magazine's Least Influential People of 2010.

The magazine said: "Malema is just like Joe Biden - if instead of innocuous, silly slipups, Biden delivered violent, racist, misogynist rants. It got so bad, he's been censured by his party and convicted of hate speech. So he just said violent things about the party."

Yup, that's our guy alright, the one and only Designated Distraction Man. And he's in good company. Others included in the list are Russian president Dmitry Medvedev; Michael Jackson's doctor, Conrad Murray; Oprah Winfrey's fiancé Stedman Graham; Balloon Boy's mother, Mayumi Heene; and the president of the US Metric Association, Lorelle Young.

But when the ANC Youth League started barking, it wasn't about that. They were shocked at the ANC's confirmation in the media of a disciplinary hearing for DDM.

This is because the ANC previously said that "issues of discipline in the ANC belongs to structures of the ANC and are therefore not matters of the public or the media."

ANCYL mouthpiece Floyd Shivambu was heard to cry, "It is quite apparent that there is a certain level of inconsistency and non-compliance with ANC officials' directives and statements."

Now take a picture folks because it is a very rare occasion when one gets to bear witness to an over-statement of a fact that is so painfully obvious to the rest of us. The ruling party said one and then did another? You're kidding! Say it ain't so.

Well, allow me to make the introductions.

Floyd Shivambu? This is Reality. Reality? This is Floyd Shivambu. I know you've never met but I'm sure you'll get on famously.


On the court circuit, it seems the next round of "Who Wants To Be the Dishonest Guy?" got off to a flying start as the State prosecutor in the Jackie Selebi corruption trial was accused of siphoning off funds for informants. Prosecutor Gerrie Nel denied the claim stating that the reason the witness was testifying was simply to smear his reputation. While all this was going on, Jackie Selebi sat back quietly thinking "And you're prosecuting me? Hello pot, I'm kettle."


On Tuesday, the spokesperson for Police Commissioner General Bheki Cele stated that a media report in The Sowetan stating that 10 000 police officers were serving time in jail was untrue.

Oh good. *Whew*, he was misquoted. You had me worried there.

Yes. The truth is that only 1000 police officers are serving time in our jails.

Ah. I feel so much better.


But of the cops not in jail, some of them actually do their job. This was proven when police broke up a plot by white supremacists to plant and detonate bombs in townships. Well done gentlemen. But soon after, the double talk started.

Police Minister Nathi Mthethwa said that the extremists were not a threat to the state and would not disrupt the 2010 Soccer world Cup.

Oh, oh, I have a question.

Not to nitpick but, if they weren't a threat, why did you arrest them? Did they have that look about them? That look that says, "Send me to the holding cells, I need a severe botty plundering."?


Moving abroad...

The sky is falling! The sky is falling!! At least that's what it felt like at the Colosseum in Rome on Sunday morning. The structure decided to shed some poundage by shrugging off enough stone to cover a square metre. Italian authorities sprang into action saying, "Eh, is alright, nobody got whacked."

Tourist visits have continued as normal with the occasional shouts of, "Duck!!"

May I suggest, just to be on the safe side, the issuing of hardhats to all visitors? On the upside, they'll feel safer and those tourists coming to SA for the World Cup can save a few Rand and make their own fold-out cutaway headgear.

Elsewhere in Italy: Well, it was bound to happen. In response to the every widening circle of child abuse charges plaguing the Catholic Church, Italy just hosted its first divorce fair. Even the faithful are opting to be just good friends rather than run the risk of a tryst in the confessional. Experts say that for paedophile priests and troubled marriages, this has been a long time coming, so to speak.


France has decided to return the tattooed, mummified heads of Maori warriors to New Zealand centuries after they were brought to Europe. When asked why they were taken in the first place, an unnamed source said that the French wanted to be sure that New Zealand would never invade and so, took a few dozen hostages. When asked why they feared invasion from New Zealand, the French stated that after two world wars, they weren't taking any chances.


Hamas changed its tack this week, throwing its toys instead of suicide bombers. They're very upset that, after having written to President Barack Obama twice, he hasn't written back. Lads, it was just one night, let it go, he's never going to call.


The War on Pork struck another blow this past week as scientists in the mostly Muslim nation of Kazakhstan came up with a test that will instantly detect the presence of pork in meat.

From the nation that spawned Borat, comes new Pork Detection!! What's next? The Better Battle Burka?!


And finally... The Japanese can keep on eating dolphin despite the risk of mercury poisoning. That's not a typo, they actually eat dolphin. And whale. And after a series of tests run by the National Institute for Minamata Disease, the villagers of Taiji have been given the all clear to nosh away on our friend Flipper. This has raised the ire of Greenpeace who were hoping that the threat of death would get the omnivorous islanders to stop eating man's favourite Seaworld attraction.

It seems the islanders have a few flipper tricks of their own.

"Jump into the frying pan Flipper. *SIZZLE* Good dolphin! Or more accurately, "移動は、フライ パンにフリッパーパン。 *シズルは!*グッドイルカ !"


This concludes this week's edition of The Opening Monologue. See you next week and remember, you haven't heard it all till you've heard The Last Say On Sunday.

Goodbye.

Posted by vittorio at 7:14 PM | Comments (0)

May 13, 2010

Stand-up Comedy @ The Venetian Show Bar, The Marco Polo Casino

Thursday the 13th of May 2010
The Venetian Show Bar

The Marco Polo Casino, Nelson Mandela Square
8 Maude Street, Johannesburg, Gauteng, South Africa 2146

Directions: http://www.themarcopolo.co.za/marcopolomap.pdf

Join me on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?v=info&gid=91633385882
Join The Opening Monologue: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=303236570417&ref=ts

Come join us for an evening of Stand-up Comedy brought to you by The Marco Polo Casino.

Line-up: Vittorio Leonardi (MC), Jan B. and Magic Man.

Show Starts: 20:30
Entrance Fee: FREE!!

Posted by vittorio at 8:30 PM | Comments (0)

May 19, 2010

The Opening Monologue - 19/05/2010

The Opening Monologue - Wednesday the 19th of May 2010
Written by Vittorio Leonardi.


Good evening.

Every now and then, the noisiest of the noisy err on the side of silence and peace reigns. At least for a while. But then they hit the comeback trail. They hit it so hard, in fact, that it should be filing assault charges at the local cop shop. Yes indeed, the ANC Youth League is back, with a vengeance. With them, is the one, the only Designated Distraction Man, Julius Malema. And suffice it to say, this monologue will be a brief chronicle of how these two entities tried to make up for lost time with some of their greatest incoherencies ever.

So let's swing away.

The ANC Youth League is going to go for military training... and the defence department thinks that's just dandy. In fact, Defence Minister Lindiwe Sisulu said she'll make the arrangements. Oh goodie. The cover story for this one is that they want national service brought back so that they can get the unemployed youth off the streets and learning "skills to equip them for the future." And what career would that be exactly? Cash-in-transit heists? So, in the fine tradition of Robert A. Heinlein's Starship Troopers, the ANC Youth League is looking for a few good stooges.

All this merry marching is going to start off in September so that'll give us all just enough time to think of the possible consequences of giving an emotionally unstable, naive collection of nitwits, knowledge of firearms and the training to use them.

Jacob Zuma sang "Bring me my machinegun."

DDM's again changed the lyrics. Julius' version goes "Bring me my machinegun... oh and a whole bunch for my friends too."


So now that they'll be taught to use guns, the next step is education. The ANC Youth League stated that it would wage a "mass political education campaign" against the ANC. This was after the vicious slap on the wrist doled out to Julius Malema. They said that they appreciate that some members of the ANC don't understand the autonomy of the youth league. They also understand that they may have to build an extra wing on their headquarters to house their collective ego.


But if education is the aim of their game then methinks they misfired with their latest ploy. The ANC Youth league launched their "one boyfriend, one girlfriend" campaign to discourage having multiple sexual partners. It was then that they realised that they had just indirectly damned the president. After removing their collective feet from their mouths, Youth League mouthpiece Floyd Shivambu tried to mend that bridge. And then seemed to do so by hitting it with a stray missile. He said:

"Our campaign is aimed at all cultures and all ages. We are not attacking President Zuma, we believe he is a responsible man. We don't want to be drawn into a debate where people think we are disrespecting him with our campaign, but it (the campaign) does apply to everyone."

So basically, you think he's in the wrong but not really. And remember kids, they said all ages. So all you 2 year-old pram pimp daddies, keep the peace and roll with only one coochie, coochie hoochie mamma.


Moving abroad - finally - to the land of Oz. It used to be that only acid trippers could claim that a large mouse tried to hump them while they were out for a stroll. But female joggers in the Honeymoon Ranges of Australia's Northern Territory have been learning to cover their rears. This is because of an amorous kangaroo that's been trying to get a bounce over on the local Sheilas. He even slugged a guy that tried to stop him getting some action. Local authorities stated that they wouldn't be taking any action against the randy macropod unless he continues trouble. They added that pogo stick smuggling isn't illegal in the Outback.


And finally... It seems people in the US are taking their right to freedom of speech very seriously. A range of Free Speech lawsuits filed in Philadelphia has accused the Pennsylvania State Police of wrongfully charging hundreds of people with disorderly conduct... for swearing. This is after several incidents where motorists hurled abuse at law enforcement lads.
It seems you've got to fight for your right to fling invectives at the law. According to the article, a state police spokesperson said the agency had no immediate response to the lawsuits. But that could be because their just a bunch of f******g c**ts!


This concludes this week's edition of The Opening Monologue. See you next week and remember, you haven't heard it all till you've heard The Last Say On Sunday.

Goodbye.

Posted by vittorio at 2:18 AM | Comments (0)

Stand-up Comedy @ News Cafe, Fourways

Wednesday the 19th of May 2010
SHOW POSTPONED TILL FURTHER NOTICE!!!

Posted by vittorio at 8:30 PM | Comments (0)

May 20, 2010

Stand-up Comedy @ The Venetian Show Bar, The Marco Polo Casino

Thursday the 20th of May 2010
The Venetian Show Bar

The Marco Polo Casino, Nelson Mandela Square
8 Maude Street, Johannesburg, Gauteng, South Africa 2146

Directions: http://www.themarcopolo.co.za/marcopolomap.pdf

Join me on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?v=info&gid=91633385882
Join The Opening Monologue: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=303236570417&ref=ts

Come join us for an evening of Stand-up Comedy brought to you by The Marco Polo Casino.

Line-up: Vittorio Leonardi (MC), Dale Amler and Ndumiso Lindi.

Show Starts: 20:30
Entrance Fee: FREE!!

Posted by vittorio at 8:30 PM | Comments (0)

May 22, 2010

Stand-up Comedy Fiesta @ The Rendezvous, The State Theatre, Pretoria

Saturday the 22nd of May 2010
The Rendezvous

The State Theatre, 320 Pretourius Street, Pretoria CBD, Pretoria, Gauteng

Directions: http://www.statetheatre.co.za/index.asp?strPage=findus

Join me on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=91633385882&v=info
Join The Opening Monologue: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=303236570417

Line-up: Vittorio Leonardi, Nina Hastie, Magic Man, Nqoba Ncobo, Kedibone Mulaudzi.

Show Starts: 20:00
Entrance Fee: R50

Posted by vittorio at 8:00 PM | Comments (0)

May 24, 2010

Open Mic Competition @ Bubba J's

Monday the 24th of May 2010
Bubba J's Sports and Comedy Cafe

Corner of Finch & Reier Road, Atlasville

Brought to you by Nomad Comedy

Join me on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?v=info&gid=91633385882
Join The Opening Monologue: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=303236570417

Think you have what it takes to be a comic? Then come on down! Four comics a night battle it out every week trying to make the finals with the first prize being cash and tickets to see Jeff Dunham Live!!

Line-up: Vittorio Leonardi (MC), 1st Half: 4 Open Mic Spots battle it out.
2nd Half: The Godfather of SA Stand-up Comedy - Mel Miller.

Show Starts: 20:30
Entrance Fee: FREE!!

Posted by vittorio at 8:30 PM | Comments (0)

Open Mic Competition @ Bubba J's

Monday the 24th of May 2010
Bubba J's Sports and Comedy Cafe

Corner of Finch & Reier Road, Atlasville

Brought to you by Nomad Comedy

Join me on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?v=info&gid=91633385882
Join The Opening Monologue: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=303236570417

Think you have what it takes to be a comic? Then come on down! Four comics a night battle it out every week trying to make the finals with the first prize being cash and tickets to see Jeff Dunham Live!!

Line-up: Vittorio Leonardi (MC), 1st Half: 4 Open Mic Spots battle it out. 2nd Half: The Godfather of SA Stand-up Comedy - Mel Miller.

Show Starts: 20:30
Entrance Fee: R20

Posted by vittorio at 8:30 PM | Comments (0)

May 25, 2010

The Opening Monologue - 25/05/2010

The Opening Monologue - Tuesday the 25th of May 2010
Written by Vittorio Leonardi.


Good evening.

There's a whole lot of positivity in the air. The big day is almost here. World Cup, here we come!! Unfortunately, the universe always seeks balance and that might explain why some special nutters have been documented crawling out of the woodwork. These are their stories.

But first, the good vibrations.


The World Cup is almost upon us and every day you can feel a quiet optimism growing in our generally cynical population as the event draws near. But with all this positivity in the air, why then has the event brought out the Gestapo in our government? You don't have to be a social worker to see that in and around our cities and stadia, the streets are being emptied out in preparation for the coming masses.

Incidentally, I love that word - Stadia - it sounds like "stayed here" as in "The homeless stayed here." Coincidence? Who knows?

Anyway.

The homeless are vanishing and prostitutes are being left pimp-less. And what of the rights of the relocated? Well, they've been given a yellow card. The powers that B.E.E. have decided to do the Beijing Shuffle. That's when you round up all the undesirables that remind you of what a great job your social development department is doing, and you dump them elsewhere. They get sent to shelters and you leave them there and pray that they don't find their way back. This was the technique employed by the Chinese during the Beijing Olympics and boy, does it work.

Well, that's the eyesore of the unsought sorted. Now for some honesty.

Eskom was kind enough to tell the truth a week ago. They finally admitted what we all feared. There is a slight chance, just a smidgen of a possibility, that there won't be enough power to go around during the World Cup. Is anyone even surprised anymore? It's gotten so that when these people tell the truth I think it actually causes them pain, much like a plot would hurt the writers of the Twilight films.

So what are we to do? Well, if worse comes to worst, everyone can only have their TV and one light switched on.

Now, at the risk of committing sporting blasphemy, I'd like to pose a question: What about the people that don't care about the World Cup? What about those poor sods that want to sit back and watch an episode of Hannah Montana? Do they get different rules?

"Well, you have no lights on so you can run your pc, but if that geyser switches on, you're in big trouble."

Moving further north, Malawi has decided that it can swing both ways, when, in one deft stroke, it convicted a recently engaged gay couple of unnatural acts and gross indecency. Malawi's church leaders backed the decision saying that homosexuality is "sinful" and that the West shouldn't be allowed to use its financial power to force the country to accept homosexuality. This might have something to do with the fact that Malawi relies on donors for 40% of its development budget. The laws used to convict Malawi's first openly gay couple were drafted in 1940 when Malawi was still a colony even though these laws are in direct contradiction with their 1994 constitution. Clearly, they've come a long way since then. They're free, using colonialist law and getting money from outsiders. Another fine case of:

"Please sir, can we have some more? But don't you dare tell us how to spend it, you vile colonialists!!

As to the judge, well, he was only following the Letter of the Law. And the church is only preaching the Word of God as they see it.

However, if they'd bother to look closer, they'd notice that the law has many letters, and religion has many words. And if they'd bother to see, they'd notice that those letters and words conceal a very important ideal.

It's called Tolerance.


Speaking of religious insanity, President Barack Obama's former minister, the Reverend Jeremiah Wright, has said he's "toxic" to the Obama administration and that the president "threw him under the bus."

This is the same reverend Obama cut ties with two years ago after certain inflammatory sermons surfaced during Obama's election 2008 campaign.

Other gems from the fervent preacher include:

*In reference to Obama's failure to send a US delegation to the 2009 World Conference on Racism because it would've offended Jews and Israel.

"Them Jews ain't going to let him talk to me. I told my baby daughter that he'll talk to me in five years when he's a lame duck, or in eight years when he's out of office,"

"They will not let him to talk to somebody who calls a spade what it is. ...I said from the beginning: He's a politician; I'm a pastor. He's got to do what politicians do."

"Ethnic cleansing is going on in Gaza. Ethnic cleansing [by] the Zionist is a sin and a crime against humanity, and they don't want Barack talking like that because that's anti-Israel."

And also

"God damn America."

He has also accused America of creating AIDS.

You know, I can't see a reason why this guy shouldn't be around the president. He sounds as stable as most of the non-incendiary Al-Qaeda operatives I've seen on TV. So let's keep him around, if only to scare the radicals. With any luck, Obama's crazy man will scare Al-Qaeda's crazy men away.


Staying with the Middle East, excavators clearing ground for a new building have dug up over 1000 skeletons from a Muslim cemetery.

But wait, there's more.

The site they were clearing was to be the home for a museum dedicated to tolerance in Jerusalem. Well, heck guys, you're off to a great start.

And there is the more pressing matter that no one seems to be focussing on. Haven't these guys watched The Curse or Poltergeist? Bad things happen when you build on a burial ground. And what are they going to do if the building gets haunted by fundamentalist ghosts? Mind you, that problem should sort itself out.

"BOOOOOO-" BANG!!


And finally... it used to be acceptable that when a child misbehaved, they were sent to bed with no supper. However there are always going to be those that take it a bridge to far. Three cult members in Baltimore proved this when they starved a toddler to death.

The reason: He wouldn't say "Amen" after meals.

But wait, there's more.

The child's mother, 23-year-old Ria Ramkissoon, is already in a residential treatment programme for young women as part of an unusual plea bargain in which her plea will be withdrawn if the child is resurrected.

So she's free if her kid becomes a zombie.

I somehow doubt that's going to happen since the body of the toddler, Javon Thompson, was found in a suitcase in Philadelphia in 2008, more than a year after his death in Baltimore.

There is no word yet on whether the accused are going with the "Death by Lost Luggage" defence.


This concludes this week's edition of The Opening Monologue. See you next week and remember, you haven't heard it all till you've heard The Last Say On Sunday.

Goodbye.

Posted by vittorio at 5:28 PM | Comments (0)

May 27, 2010

Stand-up Comedy @ The Venetian Show Bar, The Marco Polo Casino

Thursday the 27th of May 2010
The Venetian Show Bar

The Marco Polo Casino, Nelson Mandela Square
8 Maude Street, Johannesburg, Gauteng, South Africa 2146

Directions: http://www.themarcopolo.co.za/marcopolomap.pdf

Join me on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?v=info&gid=91633385882
Join The Opening Monologue: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=303236570417&ref=ts

Come join us for an evening of Stand-up Comedy brought to you by The Marco Polo Casino.

Line-up: Vittorio Leonardi (MC), Trevor Gumbi and Magic Man

Show Starts: 20:30
Entrance Fee: FREE!!

Posted by vittorio at 8:30 PM | Comments (0)

May 28, 2010

Stand-up Comedy @ The Canterbury Country Restaurant

Friday the 28th of May 2010
Canterbury Country Restaurant
Off the R557 Vereeniging Road, 94 Main Road, Walkerville, Randvaal, Gauteng, South Africa.

Bookings: (+2711) 949 1343

Join me on Facebook:http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=91633385882
Check out The Opening Monologue at: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=303236570417

Line-up: Vittorio Leonardi, Bryan Alexander and Mel Miller.

Show Starts: 20:30

Posted by vittorio at 8:30 PM | Comments (0)

May 30, 2010

Stand-up Comedy @ Champions, Silver Lakes

Sunday the 30th of May 2010
Stand-up Comedy @ Champions

Champions
Silver Oaks Shopping Centre
Corner of Von Backstroom Boulevard and Hans Strydom Drive, Silverlakes

Join me on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=91633385882&v=info&ref=ts
Join The Opening Monologue: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=303236570417&ref=ts

Line-up: Nicky Van (MC), Vittorio Leonardi and Joey Rasdien

Show Starts: 19:30
Entrance Fee: R30

Posted by vittorio at 7:30 PM | Comments (0)

May 31, 2010

Open Mic Competition @ Bubba J's

Monday the 31st of May 2010
Bubba J's Sports and Comedy Cafe

Corner of Finch & Reier Road, Atlasville

Brought to you by Nomad Comedy

Join me on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?v=info&gid=91633385882
Join The Opening Monologue: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=303236570417

Tonight is the first semi-final in our comedy competition. Come see Mpho, Duncan and Bejern battle it out for a chance in the final where they could win prizes including tickets to see Jeff Dunham Live!!
Also, tonight, we go large with 2 headliners! Now you can't see any fairer than that, can ya?

Line-up: Vittorio Leonardi (MC), 1st Third: Mpho, Duncan and Bejern battle it out.

2nd Third: Alyn Adams

3rd Third: Chris James (US Comic)

Show Starts: 20:30
Entrance Fee: FREE!!

Posted by vittorio at 8:30 PM | Comments (0)