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April 1, 2010

Stand-up Comedy @ The Venetian Show Bar, The Marco Polo Casino

Thursday the 1st of April 2010
The Venetian Show Bar

The Marco Polo Casino, Nelson Mandela Square
8 Maude Street, Johannesburg, Gauteng, South Africa 2146

Directions: http://www.themarcopolo.co.za/marcopolomap.pdf

Join me on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?v=info&gid=91633385882

Come join us for a celebration of all things Foolish this April Fool's Day with an evening of Stand-up Comedy brought to you by The Marco Polo Casino.

Line-up: Vittorio Leonardi (MC), Shaun Wewege and Comedy Ventriloquist Extraordinaire - Conrad Koch.

Show Starts: 20:30
Entrance Fee: FREE!!

Posted by vittorio at 8:30 PM | Comments (0)

April 3, 2010

On the Death of Eugene Terre'Blanche - 03/04/2010

On the murder of Eugene Terre'Blanche - Saturday, April 3rd 2010
By Vittorio Leonardi

Good morning.

At 00:32 on Sunday morning I received a sms from a friend informing me that Eugene Terre'Blanche - leader of the AWB - had been found murdered on his farm Villanna in Ventersdorp at 6pm that same evening.

The first thing I thought was, "Well, here it comes. They finally have what they need. A martyr."

As I write this, Afriforum and Solidarity are calling for all South Africans to remain calm. I don't think the message can be spoken loudly enough. It should be shouted from the rooftops. Ski-written if necessary.

"WILL EVERYONE PLEASE JUST CALM THE F*** DOWN!!!"

The old saying is that the die has been cast. Never before has that statement been more true than right here.

So far, Afrikaner people have had several things to contend with.

First, there was the perceived attack on their language. They united. And now Afrikaans artists pretty much outsell all others in the charts, the most famous instance of which when Steve Hofmeyer won Album of The Year at the SAMAs.

Then there were and still are the name changes. Court action is still deciding whether or not Tshwane will be Pretoria's new name. I know some comics that have nearly gotten into fist fights with people that take the subject that seriously.

And then there was that song. "Kill the Boer." After interdicts and court actions, Julius Malema and several other "liberation" groups continue to sing the song with any real regard for a backlash that by their actions, they seem to welcome.

Well now, it's happened. A boer is dead. THE boer is dead.

They sent him to jail and I wondered then, "This won't end well for Eugene. No way."

Not a hand was laid on him. After some thought I later realised that one reason may have been that because deep down, the powers that be knew that if he died, a martyr would be born. A tide of violence would have been released. They knew that above all else, Eugene Terre'Blanche HAD to serve out his sentence. And he HAD to die in his sleep. An old man. Quietly, silently, without incident.

That's all over now.

Already, AWB members are saying that for now, their focus will be on burying their leader. Soon though, talk of vengeance will surface. Who am i kidding? Chances are it already has. Afriforum is stuck trying to marshal a people that are emotionally charged and angry. If there was ever a straw that would break the proverbial camel's back, it would be this one.

And what of the suspects?

Two men - aged 16 and 21 - were arrested on the farm. The story is that they got into a fight with Terre'Blanche after he failed to pay them for work done. Reports say that they were goaded into doing this by a larger crowd. And now they are forever tied to this murder.

They will, I'm rather certain, be hailed as heroes by the less savvy of the political spectrum, the ones that always seem to be spoiling for a fight. From this day forward they will be marked men. Till this is resolved, they will be in danger. It may be that jail will be the safest place for them. Once again, I'll wait and see.

And what about us?

I don't know.

I'm sure that President Zuma will say and do the right thing. Already, his spokesperson has said that our president was filled with shock and horror at the killing. I'd like to hope that it's because he feels what we are all feeling. An over-whelming sense of "Oh s***! What now?"

And then there's Julius malema? I'm wondering what he'll say when he finds out. I'm hoping that he'll have the sense to stay away, tour like he said he would and just stay out of it. In an ideal world, it would be possible. As for The PAC... I'll be surprised if they aren't dancing in the streets. From what we've all seen, at the moment, their version of quiet diplomacy can be likened to a freight train derailing and smashing through a crèche at naptime.

So what can WE do?

I think it would be a refreshing change if WE did exactly what THEY weren't expecting.

We enjoy what's left of Easter and the long weekend. We spend time with whomever we can: loved ones, friends, family, whoever. And when Tuesday begrudgingly comes, we go back to work, we do what we need to do and we just keep moving.

Essentially, we keep our eyes and thoughts on what's important.

We act like human beings.

Above all, we don't mouth off and we don't allow ourselves to get goaded into fighting some else's revolution. I for one am tired of watching ordinary people die for a Gucci-clad, stuffed-shirt's agenda.

So for now, let's see what happens.

Have breakfast/lunch, hold your partners hand, and give someone a hug.

Some of you reading this may think this sounds alarmist. I know I sound like it's the end of the world.

Regardless of what you may think, hold someone you love anyway. It's good for you.

I hope that this passes. I know it will. But I'd like it to with as little to no insanity as possible. Maybe I'm aiming high, but I can hope.

As the great Andy Dufresne once said, "Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies."

Peace and love y'all.

Happy Easter and a blessed Passover to you all.

V.

Posted by vittorio at 6:00 PM | Comments (0)

April 4, 2010

Stand-up Comedy @ Champions

Sunday the 4th of April 2010
Champions

Silver Oaks Shopping Centre
Corner of Von Backstroom Boulevard and Hans Strydom Drive, Silverlakes

Join me on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=91633385882

Line-up: Nicky Van (MC), Vittorio Leonardi and Comedy Ventriloquist Extraordinaire - Conrad Koch.

Show Starts: 19:30
Entrance Fee: R30

Posted by vittorio at 7:30 PM | Comments (0)

April 6, 2010

The Opening Monologue - 06/04/2010

The Opening Monologue - Tuesday the 6th of April 2010
Written by Vittorio Leonardi.

Good evening.

This past week was a truly mixed bag that showed you can't put all your eggs in one basket (Sorry, had to be done).

It was pandemonium. Racist songs and paedophile priests; U.S. unrest and Russian bombings - who says we have nothing to be thankful for? Then Easter flew into our hearts to cap the week, raising our sugar levels and giving every child a reason to mutilate a chocolate bunny in ways that would normally make you think they were auditioning to be Dexter Morgan. With all this on the table, let's get cracking

Gentlemen, start your yokes!

PLEASE NOTE: There won't be any mention of the murder of Eugene Terre'Blanche in this episode. For my take on that, please go here:

http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=303236570417#!/topic.php?uid=303236570417&topic=15858

Julius Malema is still alive. Most of you should remember that the PAC Youth League had promised to "injure him to death" by now. Well, they've realised the error of their ways. The confusion over who organised the Sharpville uprising wasn't caused by Julius at all. The real culprit is Nelson Mandela.

Wait, what?

Allow Youth League president Pitso Mphasha to explain:

"Our intelligence has revealed that Julius Malema is a pawn of Nelson Mandela."

The PACYL want copies of Mandela's Long Walk to Freedom taken off bookshelves because his account of the massacre is flawed according to them.

"It will be very useless if we deal with the symptom and not deal with the disease. We must engage with the disease," said Mphasha.

I'm sorry, just so that I'm clear on this, Madiba's the disease? Okey-dokey. And what of the "injure him to death" part?

The PACYL said they'd simply chat with Madiba to sort things out. In a bizarre twist, the Pan Africanist Youth Congress, Payco, issued a statement distancing itself from the league's comments saying that the league was a breakaway faction and that Payco saw no point in murdering fellow Africans. The PAC Youth League took its foot out of its mouth long enough to say that Payco was the breakaway faction and not them. And with all this bickering going on, who knows, someone could get injured to death out there. We can only hope.


Meanwhile, someone decided to put out a hit on Julius.

Surprising, I know.

A recent sms campaign promised R2 million to whomever capped our Designated Distraction Man (DDM). The ANC reacted by blaming the Freedom Front Plus. They claim that their "Prosecute Malema" campaign is "meant to incite, instigate and mobilise some people to harm and even lead to the execution of the ANCYL president."

They said nothing about the PACYL's "injure him to death" campaign though.

Lads, I think you'll find that the FF+ said "Prosecute Malema" not "Persecute Malema". Once again, clue is in the wording.

But if turnabout is fair play then surely the FF+ could say that their campaign to put the singer of "Kill the boer" in jail has no correlation with the death threats he received. This is the same logic the ANC is using when they purport that "Kill the boer" is not hate speech.

ANC spokesperson Ishmael Mnisi reiterated, "The campaign is meant to incite the South African populace, particularly the Afrikaner community, against the president of the youth league. It poses a danger to the personal safety and security of [Comrade] Malema."

Now don't you dare take anything away from Julius. Good old DDM is doing a fine job inciting people all on his own.


However, Julius may have suspected that it was time to seek a broader perspective. He decided to head to a place of safety.

Where everybody knows his name and they're mostly glad he came.
He wanted to be where he could see our troubles are all the same.
He wanted to be where everybody knows his name.

Zim-bab-we here we come!!

But then, true to form, even on foreign shores Julius couldn't keep the diplomatic flag flying. JZ had just left and like a political swamp donkey, DDM went hee-haw-splish-splashing through the countryside, muddying the only recently-settled water by deciding to visit the Zanu-Pf and completely spurning the MDC as though they were the ugly colonialist's daughter at the dance.

Why did he only visit the Zanu-Pf? Because he's doing research on the best way to implement nationalization of mines and farms. Logic dictates that maybe he's in Zim to see the worst possible way of doing things so that he'll know what to avoid, right?

Nay nay. Julius thinks the Zimbabwean method is just dandy and can't wait to try it out here.

Malema described the Zanu-Pf as "a revolutionary party" and he was there to learn about Zimbabwe's "revolutionary empowerment programmes". In layman's terms a revolutionary party is one that keeps going around in a circle thus always ending up back in the same pile of poop.

And then, as if by coincidence, our government is challenging a ruling that allows Zimbabwean farmers booted out during the Zanu-Pf land grab to seize Zim assets in S.A. as compensation. This is the same ruling that the South African Development Community (SADC) passed against Zim in 2008 and Robert Mugabe summarily ignored. I think it's a fair trade. Zimbabwe gets Julius and the farmers get a house. President Mugabe, think of it this way. You're not losing a house. You're gaining a showboat.


Meanwhile, in the sporting arena, local World Cup authorities have followed China's lead in continued pre-game preparations with the traditional eviction of the homeless. How one evicts a person without a home is beyond me. Zimbabweans across the countryside have been sent packing. The possible logic being "While you're taking Julius, here, have these back too."

Also, Caster Semenya said she'll still compete even though her case is still to be resolved despite Athletics South Africa saying the results of her gender test will only be available in June. One is to assume then that the plan now is to stop her from competing by having her die of old age. How long do these tests take? Did they send off the samples to Tibet? Is the lab tech a Sherpa too? This would never happen on C.S.I. Ask yourselves, What Would Grisham Do?


Internationally, The Vatican is under siege from an ever growing tide of kiddie fiddling suits. Last Monday, a Vatican Cardinal stated that there was no link between the required priestly vow of celibacy and the recent spate of paedophilia scandals. This makes sense because clearly the priests involved are anything but celibate. And now it seems that it's all coming to a head, so to speak.

A U.S. lawyer is trying to bring the pontiff himself to book in a class action lawsuit filed in the state of Kentucky. He claims he has a 1962 document that proves current Pope and the Vatican itself knew of the problem and ordered its priests never to report the case to the authorities. Since Benedict is the boss fella, he would then be liable. The document "Crimen Sollicitationis" - Latin for "crimes of solicitation" describes how church authorities should deal with cases of abuse of children by priests, cases where sex is solicited in the confessional and cases of homosexuality and bestiality.

I think they said it best in Broken Arrow: "I don't know what's scarier, molestation of children, or that it happens so often and in so many variations that there are actually terms for it."

Never should the following be uttered in confession: "I know I've sinned father but can you wear the gimp suit this time?"

And here's why the lawsuit will never happen.

If Pope Benedict XVI is called to testify, it could set a legal precedent. Foreign courts could question the U.S. president about actions taken by the C.I.A. The U.S. is currently immune from prosecution by The World Court in The Hague.

Forever.

But they have nothing to hide. Apart from gun running, drug running, arming dictators and training terrorists it's all good. Isn't it? Guys?

Speaking of war crimes, the Serbian government has apologised to the Bosnian Muslim victims of the 1995 Srebrenica Massacre of some 8000 people. They didn't do anything about it, they just apologised. And they didn't call it "Genocide". I suppose they just injured them to death. This pointless apology comes on the heels of Serbia wanting to join the E.U. Libya pulled the same stunt when it made reparations for its part in the Lockerby Bombings that vaporised most of that village. So let's recap, practitioners of genocide, professional funders of terrorism and an army of paedophile priests. Ain't Europe grand?


In the U.S., it seems that God's warriors, all nine of them were arrested in a raid by the F.B.I. after they decided it was time to kick off the Apocalypse and kill the soldiers of Evil i.e. the police. The militia Group calling themselves the Hutaree or Christian Warrior had the cunning plan of serving Jesus through murder. Cops are, as we all know, the soldiers of the "new world order" and must be severely smote. The groups plan was to kill one officer and then attack the funeral.

A sort of Biblical buy one, get one free deal. Proving once again that religion can be fun till it involves guns.


And finally... corporal punishment might be wrong in the eyes of many but one child will definitely think twice before his next tantrum. Two officers from the central Indiana police department used a stun gun on a 10-year old unruly child after responding to a call at a home care centre. The officers said that when they arrived, the boy was out of control, hitting and kicking and refusing to listen to them. So they tazered him. They said he cried at first but was later fine.

He may have needed a change of underwear but they didn't say. If shocking kiddies caught on, one wonders what the ad campaign would say.

Is your child just too loud? Eskom, give your child a rolling blackout.


This concludes this week's edition of The Opening Monologue. See you next week and remember, you haven't heard it all till you've heard The Last Say On Sunday.

Goodbye.

Posted by vittorio at 5:56 PM | Comments (0)

April 8, 2010

Stand-up Comedy @ The Venetian Show Bar, The Marco Polo Casino

Thursday the 8th of April 2010
The Venetian Show Bar

The Marco Polo Casino, Nelson Mandela Square
8 Maude Street, Johannesburg, Gauteng, South Africa 2146

Directions: http://www.themarcopolo.co.za/marcopolomap.pdf

Join me on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?v=info&gid=91633385882

Come join us for an evening of Stand-up Comedy brought to you by The Marco Polo Casino.

Line-up: Vittorio Leonardi (MC), Martin Jonas and Magic Man.

Show Starts: 20:30
Entrance Fee: FREE!!

Posted by vittorio at 8:30 PM | Comments (0)

April 12, 2010

Stand-up Comedy @ Wish

Monday the 12th of April 2010
Wish
Corner of 2nd Avenue and 7th Street, Melville

Facebook Event: http://www.facebook.com/?ref=home#!/event.php?eid=116366871711705&index=1

Join me on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?v=info&gid=91633385882
Join The Opening Monologue: http://www.facebook.com/?ref=home#!/group.php?gid=303236570417&ref=ts
Brought to you by Kandicru Komedy Knights

Specials on the night include a 50% discount on all food!!

Line-up: Vittorio Leonardi, Chris Mapane, Mojack, Grant Willy Wilson, Nqoba Ngcobo and Richard Green.

Show Starts: 20:00
Entrance Fee: FREE!!

Posted by vittorio at 8:00 PM | Comments (0)

April 13, 2010

The Opening Monologue - 13/04/2010

The Opening Monologue - Tuesday the 13th of April 2010
Written by Vittorio Leonardi.


Good evening.

This week saw the burial of an old man; the continued attempt of a youth leader to bury himself; and positive steps being taken by the world powers to limit the likelihood of planetary immolation through atomic fire. Bad news for arms dealers, great news for us.

With all this merriment afoot, let's lock and load!

This past week saw Eugene Terre'Blanche laid to rest on his farm in Ventersdorp, quietly and without incident. All this, much to the relief of most South Africans.

And then as though to make up for the lull and much to the joy of the doomsayers, certain unsavoury evidence in the Terre'Blanche murder investigation came to light. Evidence that could prove his death was more a lover's quarrel than a simple killing. The defence will be claiming that there was a sexual relationship between Eugene and the 16-year-old unnamed defendant.

So the lawyers are going to argue that ET was a little gay? Okay. And where might you be moving to if you prove this?

In the meantime, there is a succession argument raging within the AWB. They don't know who to elect. Among the current hopefuls is J. Edgar Hoover and Liberace or anyone else that likes khaki uniforms, long horseback rides and sudden dismounts.


While that argument was raging, Designated Distraction Man (DDM) a.k.a. Julius Malema continued production for his new reality T.V. show entitled "What Must I Do To Get Fired?". As it stands, he's defied court orders, ignored The ANC and president JZ, annoyed foreign political parties, sworn at foreign journalists and ejected sections of his own youth league for not doing as he says.

Ah yes, you can't see the fires but you can certainly smell his agenda from here.

All of this culminated in our president finally rousing from slumber to drop a ton of poo on DDM's head. He bellowed unto him, "Julius, shut your great big pudding muncher!! You're embarrassing all of us!! Every time you speak the country's IQ drops a few points!!" Pundits would argue that I'm paraphrasing; I regard it as a gentle summation of the facts.

DDM's shining moment came when he called a BBC reporter "a bastard" and an "agent". This was due to him daring to point out the irony of Malema's criticizing of the Movement for Democratic Change (MDC) for speaking out against his visit to Zimbabwe from its offices in Sandton. Ironic since Malema himself lives there. Silly reporter rabbit.

On a side note Julius, perhaps the reason the MDC criticized you from Sandton is because if they were to do it from Harare they could catch their death so to speak. But what do I know? I just read and stuff.

Ah Julius... Never has someone hit bottom so hard, so frequently and without fail, and then simply dusted himself off, taken his shovel-mouth and continued digging. DDM, we salute you!


However, it seems that once again Designated Distraction Man did his job. This time with Eskom and Jackie Selebi.

How many of you noticed that Eskom just put the country deeper in debt by getting a $3.75 billion loan from The World Bank? Not many I think. Interestingly, not a word was said on whether or not our rates will come down with this rather massive cash injection. That would just be silly. In any case, with the ANC about to make about R1 billion out of its stake in Hitachi, there'll be plenty of cash of for everyone... Psyche!

In the meantime Jackie Selebi has been using this momentary diversion to get his legal team to make a move to dismiss charges against him. The defence team claims the state never proved there was a corrupt relationship between Glen Agliotti and Jackie. They have a point. I mean, the last time I saw a cop and a drug dealer being friends it was totally above board and nothing was out of the ordinary. It was in Chicago during Prohibition. See? It's all good. Where's Eliot Ness when you need him?


Meanwhile, across the sea and many miles away, Russia and the US have signed the new S.T.A.R.T. - Strategic Arms Reduction Treaty - accord - a landmark treaty limiting the number of stockpiled nuclear weapons either side can have to 1550. This treaty would have been signed during the Bush administration but let's be honest, he couldn't pronounce the names of his own weapons hence the long wait. Need I remind you of the nuclear/nucalar argument? This treaty is exactly what it says it is: a start. Both sides still have enough missiles to vaporise the planet ten times over. I know you'll all sleep better for knowing that. It also seems that India and Pakistan can have all the nukes they want. They must be pissed off. All that stock and no one to buy wait. Oh wait, no worries, I hear that Iran will soon be having a blow-out sale with Israel. Everything must go!


And finally... much weirdness has been a foot worldwide.

A survey of 23,000 adults in 22 countries by market research company Ipsos showed that screaming and abusive parents at their kids sporting events don't just happen in movies. Apparently American parents lead the field on The Obnoxious Behaviour Index.

"People living in the United States (60 percent) were most likely to witness unsavoury behaviour by a parent followed closely by residents of India (59 percent), Italy (55 percent), Argentina (54 percent), Canada (53 percent) and Australia (50 percent)."

Americans huh? Who'da thunk it? But what about all that freedom of speech stuff? Ah, blow it out your a** ref!!

Another recent poll shows only 20% of people on earth think there aliens among us. The other 80%... must be aliens. So look around you. If there are 5 of you in the room and you know you're human, beware, for there just might be an anal probing in your future. Or a visit from DDM, whichever comes first.

However, this story gets my vote. A German woman was arrested upon her arrival at Liverpool Airport for attempting to wheel her dead husband through customs. Apparently she hadn't noticed he was dead and claimed he was still alive just before the flight.

"I'm not a smuggler," Jarant, 66, told Bild. "My Willi only died at the airport. He suddenly looked so lifeless, like a wax figure. His fingernails turned blue all of a sudden. At home he was still warm -- I swear!"

"I want to have Willi cremated and then fly home to Berlin with his ashes," Jarant said. They live in Berlin but spent several months each year in England with her daughter, she said.

Remember kids, if you laugh, you're going to hell.


This concludes this week's edition of The Opening Monologue. See you next week and remember, you haven't heard it all till you've heard The Last Say On Sunday.

Goodbye.

Posted by vittorio at 7:21 PM | Comments (0)

April 15, 2010

Stand-up Comedy @ The Venetian Show Bar, The Marco Polo Casino

Thursday the 15th of April 2010
The Venetian Show Bar

The Marco Polo Casino, Nelson Mandela Square
8 Maude Street, Johannesburg, Gauteng, South Africa 2146

Directions: http://www.themarcopolo.co.za/marcopolomap.pdf

Join me on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?v=info&gid=91633385882
Join The Opening Monologue: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=303236570417&ref=ts

Come join us for an evening of Stand-up Comedy brought to you by The Marco Polo Casino.

Line-up: Al Prodgers (MC), Warren Robertson and Chris Forrest.

Show Starts: 20:30
Entrance Fee: FREE!!

Posted by vittorio at 8:30 PM | Comments (0)

April 16, 2010

Stand-up Comedy @ The Supersport Bar, Carnival City

Friday the 16th of April, 2010
The Supersport Action Bar

Carnival City, Cnr Century and Elsburg Road, Brakpan, Johannesburg, Gauteng, South Africa, 1540.

Carnival City URL: http://www.suninternational.com/Destinations/Casinos/CarnivalCity/Pages/default.aspx
Telephone: (+27 11) 898 7000
Facsimile: (+27 11) 898 7024

Parker Leisure URL:
http://www.parkerleisure.co.za/
Join me on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=91633385882
Join The Opening Monologue: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=303236570417&ref=ts

Line-up: Tony King (MC), Canadian Comic - Kenny Robinson, Trevor Gumbi and Vittorio Leonardi.

Show Starts: 21:00
Entrance Fee: R50 and includes entrance to the dance show at 20:00

Posted by vittorio at 9:00 PM | Comments (0)

April 20, 2010

The Opening Monologue - 20/04/2010

The Opening Monologue - Tuesday the 20th of April 2010
Written by Vittorio Leonardi.


Good evening.

This last week was one of true literary wonder. It seemed the events of a great novel were playing themselves out right here before us. There was something rotten in the state of South Africa due to SAMWU's strike action, the monster was tamed as his master cracked the whip and the skies around the world darkened with ash as Icelandic volcanoes spewed forth a plume of travel-stopping air gunge.

And so, with the end times fast approaching, let's knock this one out and head for the bomb-shelters and commuter lounges.

Who knew that when the Four Horsemen of The Apocalypse decided to hold a dress-rehearsal they'd choose Iceland? Well, if this week was anything to go by, then the Mayan clock was off by about 2 years and 8 months. This was of little consolation to thousands of commuters worldwide who were left stranded by the ash clouds that spread across the planet. The ash is so prevalent that NATO jet fighters have found glass in their engines, the heat turning the ash into clear evidence.

However, though commercial planes were grounded, the entrepreneurial spirit was in full flight as various nations filled their hotels, bars and restaurants with stranded travellers. In an attempt to assuage the sting of staying put, Iceland offered those left holding their bags a free dip in the geothermal heated pools around their nation.

Some of you might find this a bit odd and a wee bit sinister: They've already blackened the skies and now they're offering you the opportunity to simmer in a stew pot? I say nay, nay!

And to all the passengers that seem to believe the fantasy that the world actually revolves around them, that foreign countries are there to service their needs alone and that the airlines are deliberately inconveniencing you by not taking off, do me a favour: Watch the opening scene of Lost and tell me if that looks like fun.

In unconfirmed reports, Al-Qaeda terror attacks worldwide have slowed down. Apparently they realised that with these long delays, their luggage won't last the flight.


Speaking of deflated hopes, it seems the ANC has finally been roused from its Laudanum-like slumber and cracked its whip at our dear old Designated Distraction Man, DDM himself, Julius Malema. No more lofty ideals for him. No sir.

Not for at least another 20 minutes.

Yes indeed, it seems that all that was necessary to get DDM into trouble was for him to repeatedly ignore the ANC. Naughty Julius, no biscuit!

So is one to assume then that pissing on everyone else's opinion was just the icing on a large pound cake of poo?

Possibly.

But maybe I'm wrong. Maybe when his hearing comes around, the ANC will take into account Julius' sterling record (let me finish) being the ruling party's designated distraction and forget the whole thing.

But they wouldn't do that would they? I'm sure a stern punishment will be handed down.

I can dream can't I?

At the very least, they could tell him to just keep to the script. As we all know, every song and dance routine needs a well-written through line otherwise how does one keep track of the money? Besides, you can't just make this stuff up as you go. You get into trouble... isn't that right Julius?


And trouble is exactly what ANC Treasurer Mathews Phosa is causing. He has openly accused fellow ANC leaders of lying and being clueless about business.

Welcome to the party Mr. Phosa.

This comes from Chancellor House's maybe yes, maybe no stance on their withdrawal of their stake in Hitachi Power Africa, a move which would see them losing out on making R1 billion off the construction of Eskom's new power stations. What got Phosa really riled up was how Chancellor House Chairman Popo Molefe said to him that they're severing connections with Hitachi only to deny those same statements later in the press.

So tell me Mr. Phosa, what part of the term "Government" didn't you understand?

Remember, the term "Government" is derived from two old Latin words. "Governa" meaning "a new spin" and "mentus" meaning "on an old lie".

This latest flaming comes on the heels of MPs referring to Nersa - the National Energy Regulator of SA - as a "toothless wonder" It would seem that MPs too have just realised that sometimes, entities of the powers that be simply go through the motions. It's a little unsettling that elected officials are only realising this now. That was a long nap gentlemen.


Sticking with old liars, Jackie Selebi and Glen Agliotti seemed to have had their stories straight at the start of the trial but have now adopted a new game called "Prison Doesn't Match My Tie".

All that can be discerned is that they certainly lied about something somewhere but like deja vu, every time they try to recall the events, they fade away into memory. Kinda like the truth, huh guys?


According to the Broadcasting Complaints Commission (BCCSA) saying something is gay is fine as long as you mean that it is "uncool, stupid or objectionable". This came after a Tuks FM listener complained about a DJ running a segment called "Gay or Okay" where bad things were labelled as gay. The DJ, Konstant De Vos, argued that the usage was fine because the listeners were usually voting about the behaviour of politicians or whether popped collars on pink golf shirts was gay.

It's gay by the way. And you're a douchebag if you do it.

The commission agreed with Vos too. Yay for freedom of speech... or something. In a way it does make a weird kind of sense.

For example, Robert Mugabe and Julius Malema are gay. See? It's all so much clearer.


Something else to file under bizarre, Eugene Terre'Blanche has apologised for tarring and feathering the late Professor Floors van Jaarsveld in 1979 - the act that cemented the AWB as a group with no sense of humour. Van Jaarsveld's family has seen the gesture as far too little, way too late. There's just no pleasing some people. Maybe if we got an Ouija board the lads could do it face to face... so to speak.

But everyone can relax, there's no zombie ET. He apologised for the incident in his soon to be published memoirs. The book which was completed a mere four months before his murder offers new insights into the man that fell from so high. Apparently there are chapters on proper horse-riding; how to make prison shanks and a guideline on hiring farm labourers. The book is due out next month.


And finally... You can't go anywhere nowadays without stomping on some litter. Even the Himalayas need a clean now and then. And for the first time ever, a clean-up team will brave the "death zone" of Mt. Everest to do just that. The "death zone" - so named because of its lack of oxygen and treacherous terrain - is home to some 2000kgs of rubbish stretching all the way back to the first ascent of Everest by Sir Edmund Hillary and Tenzing Norgay Sherpa in 1953.

Till now the refuse wasn't a problem but global warming has melted large parts of the snow making the Himalayan landfill visible. How embarrassing. On the creepy side, three corpses of long dead climbers have also been located. One of them, a Swiss climber that died in 2008 is to be collected and cremated.

"We'll bring down the body of a Swiss climber who died in the mountain in 2008 and cremate it below the base camp for which we have got the family's consent."

So if I understand the logic here, he froze to death so now you're going to warm him up. A lot. Overkill much? On the upside, should they fail to retrieve and cremate the body, they can simply leave an urn out for a few days and give the family that instead. Where's the harm in that? Besides it'll bringing new meaning to the phrase "My urn runeth over".


This concludes this week's edition of The Opening Monologue. See you next week and remember, you haven't heard it all till you've heard The Last Say On Sunday.

Goodbye.

Posted by vittorio at 6:54 PM | Comments (0)

April 21, 2010

Stand-up Comedy @ Bubba J's

Wednesday the 21th of April 2010
Bubba J's Sports and Comedy Cafe

Corner of Finch & Reier Road, Atlasville

Brought to you by Nomad Comedy

Join me on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?v=info&gid=91633385882

Line-up: Tshepo Mogale (MC), Ndumiso Lindi and Vittorio Leonardi.

Show Starts: 20:00
Entrance Fee: R20/ R50 for the couches!

Posted by vittorio at 8:00 PM | Comments (0)

April 22, 2010

Stand-up Comedy @ The Venetian Show Bar, The Marco Polo Casino

Thursday the 15th of April 2010
The Venetian Show Bar

The Marco Polo Casino, Nelson Mandela Square
8 Maude Street, Johannesburg, Gauteng, South Africa 2146

Directions: http://www.themarcopolo.co.za/marcopolomap.pdf

Join me on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?v=info&gid=91633385882
Join The Opening Monologue: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=303236570417&ref=ts

Come join us for an evening of Stand-up Comedy brought to you by The Marco Polo Casino.

Line-up: Vittorio Leonardi (MC), Melt Sieberhagen and Hannes Brummer.

Show Starts: 20:30
Entrance Fee: FREE!!

Posted by vittorio at 8:30 PM | Comments (0)

April 24, 2010

Stand-up Comedy @ The Supersport Bar, Carnival City

Saturday the 24th of April, 2010
The Supersport Action Bar

Carnival City, Cnr Century and Elsburg Road, Brakpan, Johannesburg, Gauteng, South Africa, 1540.

Carnival City URL: http://www.suninternational.com/Destinations/Casinos/CarnivalCity/Pages/default.aspx
Telephone: (+27 11) 898 7000
Facsimile: (+27 11) 898 7024

Parker Leisure URL:
http://www.parkerleisure.co.za/
Join me on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=91633385882
Join The Opening Monologue: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=303236570417&ref=ts

Line-up: Joe Parker (MC), Tshepo Mogale, Vittorio Leonardi UK Comic John Newton.

Show Starts: 21:00
Entrance Fee: R50 and includes entrance to the dance show at 20:00

Posted by vittorio at 9:00 PM | Comments (0)

April 27, 2010

The Opening Monologue - 27/04/2010

The Opening Monologue - Tuesday the 27th of April 2010
Written by Vittorio Leonardi.


Good evening.

It seemed the next wave of doomsday signs came to pass all over the world this week. Everywhere there was evidence that not only does the ground quaketh but so do the brains of many of our fellow Earthlings. From Iran to Sweden to Indonesia, crazy, stupid people spoke their minds and then glared in disgust as the rest of us face-palmed, shook our heads and then doubled over with laughter.

Herewith is a list of said nutters.

Promiscuous women cause earthquakes. This was the message of a senior Muslim Cleric in Iran who claims that women who dress immodestly cause the planet to jiggle. This pronouncement followed President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's prediction that Tehran would be hit by a massive quake and that the 12 million strong population should move.

So God's upset and it has nothing to do with the 5 major fault lines that run under Tehran? And he's upset with immodest women. So basically he's upset with boobies. Then why did he create them?

Iran isn't the first place to make ridiculous religious claims when destruction strikes. In the US, Baptist Evangelist Jerry Falwell stated that the reason God allowed the September 11th attacks to occur was because the US allowed certain people to live within its borders. These included the pagans and feminists.

Well then, let's kill several birds with one stone. How about a swap? The US gets promiscuous women with Bill Clinton leading the charge and Iran gets pagans and feminists. Then we find a deserted island in the hurricane belt, dump all the religious fanatics there and televise the show live. We'll call it "No Survivors". I think it's something we can all agree upon.

In response to the Iranian cleric's claim, soldiers of Facebook banded together to attend Boobquake - a day encouraging all women to show their cleavage and to test said cleric's theory.

Nothing happened.

But since science is based on repeatable results, I vote we have Boobquake every weekend just to be sure. Who's with me?


But that's not to say the earth didn't shake, rattle and roll. Four earthquakes measuring between 2.4 and 2.9 on the Richter scale hit Gauteng on Wednesday. So it would seem that Gauteng has several pockets of immodest women. Yay!! In truth, I think that the ship carrying the immodest women from Iran to the US got sidetracked by Somali pirates and ended up here, thus causing the shakes. Reports of the quakes' aftermath flooded in. Teazer's clientele said thank you for the deluxe lapdance. Apparently girls that were just shaking their money makers kicked it into overdrive thus boosting Lolly Jackson's takings by a few thousand rand. Others say the quakes were a direct result of Gigi winning Survivor.

Need we say more?

What is certain is that we're supposed to be one of the more geologically stable areas in the world if the film 2012 is to be believed. However it doesn't help that mining has transformed the ground beneath us into a honeycomb.

Please note: Before you ask, the tremors hit before Boobquake and the Survivor announcement, so shush.


Elsewhere in the world, an ultra right wing group calling itself the Swedish Resistance Movement protested the genocide of whites outside our embassy in Stockholm on Friday. They called for an end to "genocide in South Africa". Rwanda called saying that the Swedes wouldn't know genocide if it ran screaming into their villages cutting off their hands.


Indonesia has banned well-endowed cops. More accurately anyone that has ever had their member enlarged. So no big guns in the police, only stub nose pistols need apply. And no blank shooters either. The head of the police said the reason for this new rule was that it causes "hindrance during training". Fellas, if you're tripping over it, you're wasting talents that would be far more appreciated on the internet.


Speaking of shooting blanks, 2,575 guns went missing from municipalities across the country during the 2008/09 financial year and the trend is continuing. Yay!! The Police ministry said among other things, steps would be taken to recover 42 guns not returned by police officers who left the force. Again, this isn't a first. In February, a report was released that 60 firearms went missing from the Riot unit in Hazyview. Perhaps this explains the Government's gun amnesty drive. They're just trying to get their stuff back.


And finally... Remember when we used to deal with our anger, perhaps by talking to a friend or parent? Well the award for Bunny Boiler Ex-girlfriend of The Year goes to Brittany Mitchell of Hilton. She tried to hire a hitman to kill her ex-boyfriend's mom.

Brittany and Kelvin met on Facebook (WARNING SIGN) and after the couple broke up, she paid R2000 to a detective to kill the mom (WARNING SIGN). She was arrested on her 18th birthday. But there is some good news. She won't be tried because she's gone into a diversion programme where she will do 100 hours of community service, attend life-skills and anger management classes and see a psychologist regularly. If she violates these conditions, the trial resumes. So, if I'm reading this right, she's out there, right now, and if she's crazy enough, she could simply come after Kelvin's mom herself. (WARNING SIGN)

The moral here kids is that no matter how cute their profile picture is, how sweet their smile or how hot they are, please remember YOU CAN'T PHOTOGRAPH CRAZY! IT DOESN'T SHOW UP ON CAMERA!! We look like everyone else.


This concludes this week's edition of The Opening Monologue. See you next week and remember, you haven't heard it all till you've heard The Last Say On Sunday.

Goodbye.

Posted by vittorio at 7:14 PM | Comments (0)

April 29, 2010

Stand-up Comedy @ The Venetian Show Bar, The Marco Polo Casino

Thursday the 29th of April 2010
The Venetian Show Bar

The Marco Polo Casino, Nelson Mandela Square
8 Maude Street, Johannesburg, Gauteng, South Africa 2146

Directions: http://www.themarcopolo.co.za/marcopolomap.pdf

Join me on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?v=info&gid=91633385882
Join The Opening Monologue: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=303236570417&ref=ts

Come join us for an evening of Stand-up Comedy brought to you by The Marco Polo Casino.

Line-up: Vittorio Leonardi (MC), Trevor Gumbi and The Godfather of SA Comedy - Mel Miller!

Show Starts: 20:30
Entrance Fee: FREE!!

Posted by vittorio at 8:30 PM | Comments (0)

April 30, 2010

Stand-up Comedy @ The Keg & Minstrel

Friday the 30th of April 2010
The Keg & Minstrel

Pineslopes Shopping Centre, Witkoppen Road, Fourways.

Join us for a night of comedy excellence with three of SA's top comedy troopers.

Bookings: (+2711) 467 2677

Join me on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=91633385882#!/group.php?gid=91633385882&ref=ts
The Opening Monologue: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=303236570417

Line-up: Vittorio Leonardi (MC), Martin Jonas and Magic Man.

Show Starts: 19:30
Entrance Fee: TBC...

Posted by vittorio at 7:30 PM | Comments (0)