« Stand-up Comedy and Rock @ COMEDY ROCKS! | Main | Stand-up Comedy @ Cool Runnings, Victory Park »

March 30, 2010

The Opening Monologue - 30/03/2010

The Opening Monologue - Tuesday the 30th of March 2010
Written by Vittorio Leonardi.

Good evening.

This week saw the official opposition get a vacation from the usual cat-calling, abuse hurling and customary threats associated with being in government. The PAC Youth League was kind enough to step up and relieve them and themselves all over the ANC Youth League and our own Superhero - Designated Distraction Man A.K.A. Julius Malema. At a time of celebration when Human Rights Day was commemorated, it was only fitting that someone would hijack the semantics truck and drive it like they stole it, straight into someone's political agenda.

Herewith follows the harrowing tale.

Sunday, March the 21st 2010. Human Rights Day. A day that will live in infamy. At least as far as the PAC Youth League sees it. On this day, Designated Distraction Man Julius Malema wilfully stated that the ANC's well-planned campaign of national action against the Apartheid Government was without warning, "hijacked" by the PAC.

And that's when the fight started your honour.

The PAC condemned Malema like a disused S.A. clothing factory or government-built R.D.P. housing. The PAC youth - PAYCO - referred to him as a "Mickey Mouse pop star" who "knows nothing" about the liberation struggle. They continued by saying:

"We will never allow this political buffoon to rape the proud, rich liberation struggle credentials of PAC... A high school drop-out like Malema who cannot even pass woodwork cannot be expected to grapple with... subjects like history."

And still more...

"It is only in the ANC where fools like him are allowed to occupy leadership positions,"

So just to recap, the PAC is more concerned about someone besmirching their credentials than remembering that 69 people were gunned down with machine guns. So is one to assume that those events were simply a means to an end? No corpses meant no international pressure to remove Apartheid. Coincidence? I suppose so.

But I digress. Back to the PAC's credentials.

What followed was the traditional argument of "I know you are but what am I?" ANCYL mouthpiece Floyd Shivambu said he wouldn't respond to anything the PAC said till he received it in writing. Actually, what he said was "LALALALALA! I AM NOT LISTENING! I'M RUBBER, YOU'RE GLUE! WHATEVER YOU SAY, BOUNCES OFF ME AND STICKS TO YOU!!"

And then like a bellowing nutter on a soap box, the PAC took this opportunity to bring forth every demand ever brought up in every meeting they've had since 1994. They also worded them in the form of a non-negotiable request. And we all know that always works with the ANC.

1. The Government has 10 days to rename Human Rights Day to its original title of Sharpeville-Langa Day because we need to remember where it took place what actually happened there is unimportant. Requests to rename the day as The PAC Did This One First, Nyah! Nyah! Weh! Day has gone unconfirmed. If this didn't happen, the PAC would "turn the country upside down" through nationwide protests. So not only have they the numbers but also earth-moving equipment.
2. History books must be re-written to tell the truth. All distorted (whatever that means) books must be removed from libraries. This is the same tactic used by other groups such as The Romans, The Mongols, The Russians and The Nazis so the PAC is in good company.
3. They want an African Coach for Bafana Bafana stating "That coach is not suitable for Bafana Bafana in the upcoming World Cup. We cannot promote Brazilian football here in South Africa. We want an African coach."
4. The PAC Youth League stated that if Designated Distraction Man didn't apologise for his statements within 5 days they would "injure him to death."

"We are saying to Malema to apologise within five days or we will injure him to death... He will either end up in a hospital or in a mortuary,"
PACYL president Pitso Mphasha said at a press conference in Johannesburg last Friday.

Well... it finally happened.

Someone has finally said something more dim, addle-brained and dim-witted than anything George Walker Bush ever uttered during his presidency. "Injure him to death"? How would you even begin to diagram that sentence?

Gentlemen. The Dictionary called, it wants its language back.

A final arrow in this salvo of abuse came when PACYL president Pitso Mpasha was asked how the PACYL intended killing Malema. He said the party's membership from all communities would be mobilised to kill him.

So it's to be death by gangbang? Classy.

He described this approach as not necessarily being outside the law as the government was being run by criminals.

"The laws of this country protect criminals. We are being led by criminals from the president to the bottom people."

These guys really know how to pick their battles don't they?

When it was suggested that the PACYL was promoting violence, Mphasha said:

"We respect human rights in our Constitution, but we will not be apologetic. We cannot allow small domkops from the ANCYL to insult our party. Sharpeville belongs to the Pan Africanist Congress."

Sorry. I needed to fetch my asthma inhaler there.

None of this bickering would've happened if Facebook had been around back then. There would have been official record of who created the event; how many people were attending and who wasn't. The only difference being that had the PAC created the event, there would've been no Maybe Attending button. With the PAC, you're either in or you're injured to death.

As usual, all of this merry banter conveniently distracted the country from JZ's R5 million legal bill that we paid though I'm still waiting for the invoice.

Also unnoticed was Defence Minister Lindiwe Sisulu's absence at the ninth qualified audit of the Department of Defence. Had she been there, she would've had to explain why the financial records of the department were akin to New Orleans after Katrina. A minor mention should also be made of Army Chief Solly Shoke's comment that this Soccer World Cup is not about security but about the fans enjoying themselves. Oh goody. Can Al-Qaeda play too?

And lastly, no one seemed to notice that Cabinet last Thursday condemned the violent service delivery protests. They didn't say how they would fix the problem. They just condemned it. They called on all protestors to act responsibly. The downside fellas is that the protestors have realised that unless you nuke a cabinet ministers Mercedes from time to time, no one pays attention.

All of these events went unnoticed. It looks like Julius Malema has done it again. Well done Designated Distraction Man!

And now, moving to some foreign trade...

Middle East Peace Envoy Tony Blair has stated that the world will do whatever it takes to stop Iran from getting nuclear weapons. They were mum however, on stopping the supply of conventional arms to any small nation that wants them. This is where Iran made mistake number one. Had their government been installed by the C.I.A. in a coup they could've had all the conventional and chemical weapons they wanted.

Isn't that right Saddam? Saddam? Oh that's right, you tried to have an opinion.

So Iran, I'm sorry but no nukes for you. Silly Iran, bad puppy, no biscuit.

If you want porn of or to read The New York Times, China awaits you but if you want to Tweet of Facebook a friend, go elsewhere capitalist pig!! It seems Chinese authorities are more concerned with the rapid sharing of information than with someone waxing their carrot. And lets be honest, after you've done the deed, who wants to fight anyway?

Excessive weed use among teens has been found to cause sleep deprivation according to a study of 8,349 teens ranging from grades 7 to 12. Group dynamics can be cited as a cause. Put simply, if your friends are angry in the group it rubs off on you. So if everyone is getting stoned, so will you. People who use all their time getting baked will be sleeping less. A more obvious answer would be that when you get high, you get the munchies; you eat a ton of sugary things and then you can't sleep.


And finally... Two suspects in Fairfield, Connecticut were arrested by police for bank robbery when they called the bank ahead of time and told an employee to get a bag of money ready.

An unidentified 16-year-old boy and 27-year-old Albert Bailey were greeted by the police in the parking lot of the People's United Bank branch in Fairfield.

Sergeant James Perez stated that the two suspects showed up 10 minutes after making the call. The two were described as being "not too bright."

Perhaps they had the munchies and needed some cash.

This concludes this week's edition of The Opening Monologue. See you next week and remember, you haven't heard it all till you've heard The Last Say On Sunday.


Posted by vittorio at March 30, 2010 6:39 PM


Post a comment

Thanks for signing in, . Now you can comment. (sign out)

(If you haven't left a comment here before, you may need to be approved by the site owner before your comment will appear. Until then, it won't appear on the entry. Thanks for waiting.)

Remember me?