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March 2, 2010

The Opening Monologue - 02/03/2010

The Opening Monologue - Tuesday the 2nd of March 2010
Written by Vittorio Leonardi.

Good evening.

If television is to be believed, in the criminal justice system, the people are represented by two separate yet equally important groups: The police, who investigate crime and the district attorneys who prosecute the offenders.

However, it helps if the paperwork is filled out right, the cops aren't on the take, the C.S.I. lab doesn't have a 6-year backlog and of course, it helps if the populace understands that bribing an officer to get out of a fine is a crime in and of itself therefore making it kind of hypocritical for those same people to whine about crime later on.

So let's begin.

Cezanne Visser A.K.A. Advocate Barbie, the one found guilty of 11 counts of indecent assault, has felt the full weight of the law this past week. That's right; she's been sentenced to... wait for it... a whopping 7 whole years in jail! Wow. Some might say that that's a bit lenient since most of the girls she fiddled were underage but I say nay, nay!
In our society, sexual assault is not as serious a crime as we thought. I mean, it's not like she did those things to get a tender here and there. And after all, she's a lawyer, one of the good guys. And as Jackie Selebi has proven; if there is a crime, a smiting we will go... eventually. So no harm no foul.


Staying with foul, Lolly Jackson was arrested at Rivonia Teazers over the weekend over a running spat he's having with a former customer, Michael Kalyminios. Kalyminios laid charges of blackmail, crimen injuria and intimidation against the strip club owner after walking off with some of Lolly's stock. Lolly, it seems, didn't take too kindly to this. Lolly said that she could go, provided that her contract was paid up first. It seems Michael Kalyminios fell in love with Teazers stripper Yuliyana Moshorovs'ka and since their names are both double word scores in Scrabble, they thought it was meant to be. However, this episode proves that, like with the cellular providers, until you pay off the contract you're still somebody's ho.


Speaking of ho's, Eskom have quietly been awarded their price hike. We will all be coughing up 25% - 10% less than asked for - a year more for electricity give or take a percentile. But don't fret. The shortfall will be made up by the massive tenders awarded by government to Hitachi through Eskom. Once the ANC takes its cut of course, let's not get stupid.


And stupid was the order of the day last Wednesday when it was announced that national police chief, Bheki "Six Gun" Cele, decided to lower the policing targets set for our boys and girls in blue. It seems that for the last few years the cops have been unable to meet their "Catching of Criminals" or CoC quota. So naturally the best plan was simply to lower the quota. However, "Six Gun" Cele and his posse will be allocated an extra R5.5 billion more this financial year.

The math makes sense. Depending on what side of the calculator you're on.

On the upside it means that with fewer criminals on the CoC quota, the police will save on all that expensive ammunition. And a good thing too since more than 60 firearms and about 50 000 rounds of ammo have gone missing and are presumed stolen from the Hazyview Riot unit in Mpumalanga. So now the question is: do we start with the catching of criminals or cops?

Who's got the biggest CoC now?


Further afield, it seems that some folks have neither respect for the dead nor a sense to plan ahead. Nearly eleven years after the infamous Columbine High School Shooting, Bruco Strongeagle Eastwood strolled up to two kids outside Deer Creek Middle School, asked them if they attended it and when they said yes, he shot them both. He was tackled and subdued by David Banke, the school track team coach. It was later learned that Eastwood had been hearing voices for a while. He answered them too. He had sought treatment but couldn't afford the pills.

There are two important lessons to be learned here:

1. Everyone that needs their meds should get them. Period. It's safer for the rest of us.

2. When a man holding a rifle walks up to you and asks you anything, the answer is ALWAYS NO!!


Fans of the W.W.E. (I know you're out there) will be relieved to know that The Undertaker A.K.A. Mark Calaway escaped with only minor burns and finished his match in St. Louis after a pyrotechnics mishap almost roasted him. Ironically the wrestler known as "Dead Man Walking" nearly became "Dead Man Cooking, Running, Screaming 'Put me out! Put me out!'" It's a good thing he's okay too. Think about it. If The Undertaker dies, who buries him?


And finally, we part ways with some more fireworks, this time from the battlefield. Last Tuesday, four Taliban militants were killed in northwest Pakistan when explosives they were planting around the house of a local anti-Taliban leader detonated accidentally.
The man they were targeting was however, not home. He had already moved out sometime before because of unrest in the area.

Thus bringing new meaning to the old rhyme

Kosher chicken, kosher chicken let us come in.
Not by the beard on my chinny - chin - chin!
Then we'll plant and we'll click and we'll - BOOOOOM!!!
Do ourselves in.


This concludes this week's edition of The Opening Monologue. See you next week and remember, you haven't heard it all till you've heard The Last Say On Sunday.

Goodbye.

Posted by vittorio at 5:49 PM | Comments (0)

Stand-up Comedy @ Cool Runnings, Victory Park

Tuesday the 12th of January 2010
Cool Runnings

Shop 28, Victory Park Shopping Centre
Rustenburg Rd, Victory Park

Tel: +27 (11) 888 7633/4
Fax: +27 (11) 888 7628

Join me on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=91633385882

Line-up: Denton Douglas (MC), Vittorio Leonardi and Conrad Koch

Show Starts: 20:30
Entrance Fee: FREE!!

Posted by vittorio at 8:30 PM | Comments (0)

March 3, 2010

Stand-up Comedy @ The Oz Pub - Ozone

Wednesday the 3rd of March 2010

The Oz Pub
2025 Ntstane Street At Moletsane Behind BP Moletsane
(Opposite Jabulane Flats - Koma Road, Soweto )

Facebook Event Page: http://www.facebook.com/?ref=home#!/event.php?eid=336652681876&index=1

Join me on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=91633385882
Check out The Opening Monologue at: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?v=app_2373072738&gid=303236570417

Line-up: Kedibone Mulaudzi (MC), Deen, Vittorio Leonardi and Roni Modimola.

Show Starts: 20:30
Entrance Fee: FREE!!

Posted by vittorio at 8:30 PM | Comments (0)

March 4, 2010

Stand-up Comedy @ Bambatha Avenue Jazz Café

Thursday the 4th of March 2010

Bambatha Avenue Jazz Café
Shop G107 (Embankment Road Entrance)
Servamus Building, Centurion Mall, Centurion, Gauteng, South Africa.

Bookings: Bambatha@live.co.za
Telephone: +27728635931 OR +27738795119

Line-up: Kedibone Mulaudzi (MC), Deen, Vittorio Leonardi,and Tall-Ass Mo.

Show Starts: 20:30
Entrance Fee: R50

Posted by vittorio at 8:30 PM | Comments (0)

March 7, 2010

Stand-up Comedy @ The Canterbury Country Restaurant

Canterbury Country Restaurant
Off the R557 Vereeniging Road, 94 Main Road, Walkerville, Randvaal, Gauteng, South Africa.

Bookings: (+2711) 949 1343

Join me on Facebook:http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=91633385882
Check out The Opening Monologue at: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=303236570417

Line-up: Darren Maule (MC), Warren Robertson, Ntosh Madlingozi and Vittorio Leonardi.

Show Starts: 18:00

Posted by vittorio at 6:00 PM | Comments (0)

March 8, 2010

Stand-up Comedy @ Wish

Wish
Corner of 2nd Avenue and 7th Street, Melville

Facebook Event: http://www.facebook.com/home.php?#!/event.php?eid=347899579236&index=1

Join me on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?v=info&gid=91633385882

Brought to you by Kandicru Komedy Knights

Specials on the night include a 50% discount on all food!!

Line-up: Alex McMaster, Grant Willy Wilson, Richard Green, Pops, Toll Ass Mo, Rob Collins, Shaun Wewege and Vittorio Leonardi.

Show Starts: 20:00
Entrance Fee: FREE!!

Posted by vittorio at 8:00 PM | Comments (0)

March 9, 2010

The Opening Monologue - 09/03/2010

The Opening Monologue - Tuesday the 9th of March 2010
Written by Vittorio Leonardi.

Good evening.

The week that was, was a sterling illustration of the old saying "When the cat's away, the mice will play." However, it seemed as though while one cat left, several others showed up and jostled for position. Everyone, from the youth league to the church, was trying to be South Africa's next top honcho.

So let us begin at the beginning.

President Jacob Zuma arrived in the UK to all the pomp and ceremony accorded to a visiting dignitary. Some of the British press greeted our president with all the warmth usually accorded to the French. The right wing Daily Mail described our president with the line "a sex-obsessed bigot with four wives and 35 children. So why is Britain fawning over this vile buffoon?"

The ANC Youth League took the bait and wailed openly saying that it was a racist attack on JZ with spokesperson Floyd Shivambu stating that the British media believed the only acceptable values and principles in the world were British values of whiteness and subjugation of Africans.

He was unable to point out where in their statements this was said. We're sure it's there though. The youth league has no reason to lie. He also said nothing about recent racist statements from our own Minister Sicelo Shiceka where he issued a "declaration of war" against white South Africans.

Shivambu continued by saying that the British held and controlled strategic sectors of the South African economy, which made them believe they continued to control the country and its value system. Again he said nothing about how the ANC stood to earn a fortune off of Eskom's government backed deals with Hitachi.

It would seem that the British are not aware of our "Local is Lekker" rule where if the crime, corruption and bigotry are local, its lekker.


And then Religion came to play. Angus Buchan, an evangelist from Greytown led a group of 15000 at The Union Buildings on Saturday to pray for our president. Buchan stated that if Zuma were to use the Bible as a textbook, he wouldn't stumble or make mistakes.

So much for the separation of church and state.

Buchan, when questioned said when speaking to JZ he wouldn't bring up the polygamy issue but felt that JZ would get the message anyway.

He also said "The President of South Africa is looking for constructive support. Don't criticise him, help him.
"He added that there are no "buts". The Bible says one should respect people in positions of authority.

Well hallelujah to that. And here we were stupidly thinking that respect had to be earned based on someone's performance. Silly us.


And then, joy of joys, our own Julius Malema celebrated his birthday in lavish style. With a R703 bottle of Moet in his hand he stated "I'm still living in poverty today, because as long as a neighbour of mine is struggling, I, too, am struggling."

Struggling with the cork methinks.

Struggling Julius may soon be living that name when SARS audits him for alleged tax evasion. Apparently you can't openly advertise you're in the money without someone demanding their cut.
Julius could however plead poverty since he couldn't afford to give the elderly at his party anything more than bananas, apples and water.

Perhaps they were on a detox. Must be an overdose of Malema Magic.


There were 2 silver linings in government this week though.

We will never go to war. This is because there isn't enough money in the current defence budget to keep our planes airborne for more than an hour and a half per day and our ships at sea for more than 23 days a year.
On the upside, as certain events last year at The Union Buildings proved, our Army is ready to strike at a moment's notice. However, they'll only get guns if the strike is legal.

Also...

Plans to bring in Skills Laws for municipalities could see the end of the icon of home affairs: The Blasé Worker. That's right, after 16 years of democracy it's been decided that perhaps skills should be a hiring requirement. Who'd have thought?

These skills will replace the current skill set of:

1. A vacant stare.

2. An over-developed sense of entitlement and one's own importance.

3. Olympic level boredom and disinterest and,

4. A body mass of at least 200kgs.


Returning to religion for a moment, Pope Benedict XVI's brother, Georg Ratzinger, said he was never aware of sexual abuse in a famous boys choir in southern Germany that he headed for nearly three decades. It must be tough when they won't let you play with the other boys.

These allegations are part of a widening sex scandal rocking Germany's Roman Catholic Church, which includes allegations of abuse at a number of institutions. When asked about the impact of the scandals, Ratzinger who is a bishop, voiced concern about a "certain animosity towards the Church" as well as feelings of "resentment and hostility".

Well, it's a funny thing Your Grace but when people are asked to accept the body of Christ, they're not expecting the beef of the bishop too. No one can recall a visit to a monastic school ever including the phrase, "Down on your knees, NOM, NOM, NOM."

It would seem that, once again, certain members of The Catholic Church have forgotten that when Jesus said, "Turn the other cheek," that's not he was talking about.


And finally... The words Virgin and Paris are seldom seen together anymore but in the suburb of Garges-les-Gonesse hundreds of people have been flocking since February 12th to see an icon of the Virgin Mary "shed tears of oil", according to the owner.

Esat Altindagoglu stated on Sunday "It's a small miracle. This is a message sent by the Virgin and her son." That message being "Buy ELF Oil".

Esat's wife Sevim said she was praying before the icon when "I noticed that she was crying. I said to myself 'this is not normal'."

The tears seem to have remarkable properties. "A woman came in mid February and explained that she was unable to have a child. She took a bit of oil with a handkerchief and placed it on her belly. Two days ago she called me and said that she could now have a child," said Sevim.

All this religious fervour does raise a question: Why do so many Catholic practices and miracles include an oily fluid oozing from a virgin?


This concludes this week's edition of The Opening Monologue. See you next week and remember, you haven't heard it all till you've heard The Last Say On Sunday.

Goodbye.

Posted by vittorio at 1:57 PM | Comments (0)

March 10, 2010

Stand-up Comedy @ The Globe Theatre, Gold Reef City

Wednesday the 10th of March 2010

The Globe Theatre
Gold Reef City Casino
Directions: http://www.goldreefcity.co.za/directions.php
GPS: S 26° 14' 15" E 28° 00' 48"

Book at Computicket: http://www.computicket.com/web/event/parker_s_gold_reef_10_march/113694562

Join me on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=91633385882
The Opening Monologue: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=303236570417

Line-up: Joe Parker (MC), Vittorio Leonardi, Darren Maule and US Comedian, Louis Ramey

Show Starts:
20:30
Entrance Fee: R50

Posted by vittorio at 8:30 PM | Comments (0)

March 11, 2010

Stand-up Comedy @ Parker's Comedy & Jive

Thursday the 11th of March 2010

Parker's Comedy & Jive
Shop 24 (Entrance 1)
Montecasino, Montecasino Boulevard, (Cnr William Nicol and Witkoppen Roads), Fourways, Sandton, Gauteng, South Africa.

URL: http://www.parkerscomedy.com/ and http://www.parkerleisure.co.za/
Bookings: (+2711) 511 0081

Join me on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=91633385882
Check out The Opening Monologue: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=303236570417

Line-up: Joe Parker (MC), Al Prodgers, Vittorio Leonardi and US Comedian Louis Ramey.

Show Starts: 20:30
Entrance Fee: R100

Posted by vittorio at 8:30 PM | Comments (0)

March 12, 2010

Stand-up Comedy @ Parker's Comedy & Jive

Friday the 12th of March 2010

Parker's Comedy & Jive
Shop 24 (Entrance 1)
Montecasino, Montecasino Boulevard, (Cnr William Nicol and Witkoppen Roads), Fourways, Sandton, Gauteng, South Africa.

URL: http://www.parkerscomedy.com/ and http://www.parkerleisure.co.za/
Bookings: (+2711) 511 0081

Join me on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=91633385882
Check out The Opening Monologue: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=303236570417

Line-up: Joe Parker (MC), Al Prodgers, Vittorio Leonardi and US Comedian Louis Ramey.

Show Starts: 21:00
Entrance Fee: R100

Posted by vittorio at 9:00 PM | Comments (0)

March 13, 2010

Stand-up Comedy @ Parker's Comedy & Jive

Saturday the 13th of March 2010

Parker's Comedy & Jive
Shop 24 (Entrance 1)
Montecasino, Montecasino Boulevard, (Cnr William Nicol and Witkoppen Roads), Fourways, Sandton, Gauteng, South Africa.

URL: http://www.parkerscomedy.com/ and http://www.parkerleisure.co.za/
Bookings: (+2711) 511 0081

Join me on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=91633385882
Check out The Opening Monologue: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=303236570417

Line-up: Joe Parker (MC), Al Prodgers, Vittorio Leonardi and US Comedian Louis Ramey.

Show Starts: 21:00
Entrance Fee: R100

Posted by vittorio at 9:00 PM | Comments (0)

March 16, 2010

The Opening Monologue - 16/03/2010

The Opening Monologue - Tuesday the 16th of March 2010
Written by Vittorio Leonardi.

Good evening.

This past week showed that there seems to be an affliction creeping through the ranks of those in power. Striking at any time and usually with explosive results, this menace can destroy the message of any argument, rant or statement leaving the speaker looking like a complete moron.

I'm of course referring to the dreaded, "Foot In Mouth Disease!"

Yes! The scourge of the political rally and the poorly-worded interview, Foot In Mouth Disease or FIMD can relegate any impassioned speech to the realms of satire.


Two such instances happened in the week that was. Designated Distraction Man, Julius Malema warbled a tune not everyone wanted to hear and the The Wife That Was, Winnie Madikizela-Mandela blurted out an incoherency that left the right wing thinking, "Isn't that our script she's using?"

These and other shocking tales of verbal diarrhoea await you within the case files of... The Opening Monologue!

"Mandela let us down."

Like the shot heard round the world, this bombshell went off last Monday. It is alleged Winnie Madikizela-Mandela made this comment and several others during an interview with a reporter, Lady Naidira Naipaul, from London's Evening Standard newspaper several months ago. And like a mudslide of Tourettes and vitriol, our former first lady went on to say that Madiba had made a bad economic deal for blacks and that Arch Bishop Desmond Tutu and his partners in the Truth and Reconciliation Commission were cretins.

Naturally since this interview surfaced, the traditional war of words has flared with Winnie saying:

"I didn't say that."
And the reporter saying "Well yes you did."
And then Winnie retorted saying "I never gave you an interview."
And the reporter replied "Well here's a picture of you and me and my husband at your home, nice house by the way."
And then Winnie said "Thank you, but I was speaking with your husband for his book, not to you."
And the reporter said "I introduced myself as a reporter. If you didn't want it in print you should've said so. So there. How trusting are you?"

The lesson here is that once Winnie removes that colossal foot from her mouth and the other from said reporter's posterior, she should from now on always be aware of where she is in the space time continuum.


Not to be outdone, Designated Distraction Man (DDM), Julius Malema outdid himself this past week with what some might say is the thermo-nuclear habanero chilli to Winnie's jalopeno for the soul. At a rally at the University of Johannesburg, Julius decided to adlib on an old struggle song about cowardice. The lyrics originally went "Cowards are afraid; shoot, shoot, shoot with a gun." Our DDM changed them from "Shoot the cowards" to "Shoot the boer." Despite cowards' countrywide expressing relief at the altering of the lyrics, the rest of the nation took great umbrage at JM's mad improv skills. Julius, this isn't Idols, it wasn't necessary to dazzle them with your singing. That's JZ's thing. If you were in a boy band, you'd be the one that gives the oddball interviews and later on has no career... Oh wait... Never mind. And take that foot out of your mouth when you speak to us!


More bad news as DStv announces that it will not be launching a porn channel as part of its service. The Film and Publications Control Board or Evil Censor Monsters welcomed this decision saying it was a victory for the children's rights movement. In a statement, chief executive officer Yoliswa Makhasi said "There was little doubt that children's exposure to pornographic material may be considered a form of sexual abuse." Apparently 47 000 misguided citizens cried foul of the possibility of free-flowing footage of naughty bit being piped directly to their homes thus putting the issue to bed so to speak. Geeks across the country had little to say on the issue. It seems that as long as there's an internet, no-one needs to be lonely tonight. And remember, your kids know how to surf the net. Way better than you.
To the 47 000 that have no idea what I mean, turn off SafeSearch and let me Google that for you. http://lmgtfy.com/?q=Porn


Sticking with naivety, the former head of Britain's MI5 said last Tuesday that the US misled its allies about what was happening to inmates at Guantanamo Bay. Oh wow, no! Really? Say it ain't so! You mean while the American government was torturing prisoners, they may have lied about doing it? How can that be possible? How could it be that with the moral compass provided by Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfeld and George Walker Bush, a lie or 20 could have been told? These men watched "24" for inspiration you dolts! Didn't you think that there might have been a problem when one of them ran his presidency like he was a Texas Ranger? And you claim to be the home of James Bond. Hang your heads in shame!


And finally. Thailand, where Sujet Salee is a Thai boxing champion with a record of 5 wins and one draw. His coaches say that his elbow is his weapon of choice.
"When he touched his opponent on the ring, he attacked instantly."
Now before one of the 47 000 start bleating, Sujet is blind. That's right. A blind boxer. A blind Muay Thai Kickboxer. Born blind, he always wanted to follow in his father's footsteps. Now he competes against blindfolded boxers in full contact tournaments. Strangely though, blind boxing is not supported by Thailand's disabled athletes association, which considers it as a violation for the rights of the handicapped. Oh really? Why don't you go over to Sujet and say that. I thought not. Cos he'll KNOCK YOU THE **** OUT!!!


This concludes this week's edition of The Opening Monologue. See you next week and remember, you haven't heard it all till you've heard The Last Say On Sunday.

Goodbye.

Posted by vittorio at 6:00 PM | Comments (0)

March 17, 2010

Stand-up Comedy @ The Venetian Show Bar, The Marco Polo Casino

Wednesday the 17th of March, 2010

The Venetian Show Bar
The Marco Polo Casino, Nelson Mandela Square
8 Maude Street, Johannesburg, Gauteng, South Africa 2146

Directions: http://www.themarcopolo.co.za/marcopolomap.pdf

Join me on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?v=info&gid=91633385882

Come join us for a celebration of all things Irish this St. Patrick's Day with an evening of Stand-up Comedy brought to you by The Marco Polo Casino.

Line-up: Darren Maule (MC), Vittorio Leonardi and Alyn Adams.

Show Starts: 20:00
Entrance Fee: R50

Posted by vittorio at 8:00 PM | Comments (0)

March 19, 2010

Stand-up Comedy @ The Supersport Bar, Carnival City

Friday the 19th of March, 2010
The Supersport Action Bar

Carnival City, Cnr Century and Elsburg Road, Brakpan, Johannesburg, Gauteng, South Africa, 1540.

Carnival City URL: http://www.suninternational.com/Destinations/Casinos/CarnivalCity/Pages/default.aspx
Telephone: (+27 11) 898 7000
Facsimile: (+27 11) 898 7024

Parker Leisure URL:
http://www.parkerleisure.co.za/
Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=91633385882

Line-up: Melt Sieberhagen (MC), US Comic - Yoursie Thomas, Vittorio Leonardi and UK Comic - Martin Davis.

Show Starts: 21:00
Entrance Fee: R50 and includes entrance to the dance show at 20:00

Posted by vittorio at 9:00 PM | Comments (0)

March 20, 2010

Stand-up Comedy @ The Supersport Bar, Carnival City

Saturday the 20th of March, 2010
The Supersport Action Bar

Carnival City, Cnr Century and Elsburg Road, Brakpan, Johannesburg, Gauteng, South Africa, 1540.

Carnival City URL: http://www.suninternational.com/Destinations/Casinos/CarnivalCity/Pages/default.aspx
Telephone: (+27 11) 898 7000
Facsimile: (+27 11) 898 7024

Parker Leisure URL:
http://www.parkerleisure.co.za/
Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=91633385882

Line-up: Melt Sieberhagen (MC), US Comic - Yoursie Thomas, Vittorio Leonardi and UK Comic - Martin Davis.

Show Starts: 21:00
Entrance Fee: R50 and includes entrance to the dance show at 20:00

Posted by vittorio at 9:00 PM | Comments (0)

March 23, 2010

The Opening Monologue - 23/03/2010

The Opening Monologue - Tuesday the 23rd of March 2010
Written by Vittorio Leonardi.

Good evening.
Last week saw great merriment: our president went to hell, Julius Malema was found guilty, St. Patrick's Day was celebrated and a rap star was threatened. All this coupled with scholars attending protests instead of classes and the long weekend made for an uproariously fun week. Allow me to demonstrate.

Drinkers of all ages, some of them legal, some of them actually Irish, took to the pubs to celebrate Saint Patrick's Day with all the joy and insanity of a Jackass casting call. But who was St. Patrick? His real name was Maewyn Succat (pronounced Suck it) - a really unfortunate name to have in the priesthood if past scandals are anything to go by. So why go into Catholicism? Because after being sold into slavery and tending sheep for a while, religion seemed the obvious choice.

His life has become the stuff of legend. Some say there were two different people alive at roughly the same time and their deeds became the story of dear old Paddy. The most enduring story being that Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland.

On a very big bus perchance? Whatever he drove, it certainly wasn't S.A. Roadlink. Also since no fossil records of snakes have ever been found in Ireland one could say he not only drove them out but that he atomised them too, turning them into the fertilizer that gives Ireland its green, green grass.

Some people could argue these points all day long. But why? For as the song goes,

"Whack for my daddy, oh
There's whiskey in the jar, oh."


Staying with folk music, a tale was told that The devil went down to Georgia, he was looking for a soul to steal. And then our president went to Zimbabwe to visit the devil and ask for it back. Although JZ has been working his own magic up north, his life continued without him this week when it was publicised that the budget allocated for his wives would double this year taking it to over R15 million. The money comes from the budget for the spousal support office - which covers the cost of employing a personal secretary and a researcher to support the president's wives in projects relating to government work. Once again the question is where is this money supposed to come from?

In an unrelated story, The National Lottery Board (NLB) has R6.3 billion in cash and liquid assets - money unspent on charity organizations and NGOs - despite dozens of groups applying for much needed assistance since 2003. Unconfirmed reports however say that with the governments help, they'll be clearing out the backlog very soon. Class, can we say CHA-CHING?!


Further on up the road, Julius Malema and the ANC Youth League were dealt a severe blow last week. Just on the heels of his creative remix of "Shoot the boers, they are rapists" our Designated Distraction Man was found guilty of hate speech. What were the odds of that? He has been ordered to pay a fine and apologize. Some might think this is a slap on the wrist but given the number of times Julius mouths off in the average month, he could soon bankrupt himself paying off fines with tender money he says doesn't exist.

Not to be outdone, the ANCYL's own lord of incoherency, Floyd Shivambu says journalists who have accused him of threatening to make the details of their personal lives public are cowards for not making their identity public. Naughty Floyd! Don't expect them to do your job for you. Be a man of your convictions, just like Julius. Mr. Shivambu continued, "Who are they?" he said when asked for comment. "If they don't want to come out and say who they are, then they are stupid."

No. They've just learned a lesson from watching Monty Python's "How Not To Be Seen."


Meanwhile on Facebook... It has been said that if you were to give an infinite number of chimps an infinite number of typewriters, one of them would produce the works of Shakespeare. Thanks to the internet, we know that's not true. Although, the net does allow us to keep track of the dangerously stupid and last week was no exception as a Facebook fan page devoted to Julius Malema started keeping a body count of farm murder victims since 1994. The twit in question, one Clearence Letlokane, who refers to Julius Malema as "The Oracle" posted these gems. Please note Grammar Nazis may want to avert their eyes:

"They kept the wealth of our land... the little riches obtained is not merly (sic) enough to be shared equally amongst all of us... Hence it is that corruption persists... Crime will not rest until all that was stolen 4rm us is... all regained..."

"Comrades must unite. The oracle has spoken. The once hunted must now become the hunters. Let them wear dompasses. Restrict them from certain areas. Do u thnk afta putting them through all that crap they will vow 4 reconsilliation?" (sic)

When questioned about these statements, he replied: "I haven't killed anyone, but I am not sympathetic to those who have been murdered... sue me for not shedding a tear."

Wow. 4chan needs this one.

Naturally, Floyd Shivambu said that neither the league nor Malema had anything to do with the page.

Is it then safe to assume that there are no words for login info in Pedi?

Racing ahead, it's official: Although their re-enactment of the chase scene from The Italian Job failed, Jub Jub's blood tested positive for cocaine and morphine. In his defence however, his lawyers said that only his co-accused, Themba Tshabalala had alcohol in his system. Jub Jub may have felt no pain; had a God complex and felt hyper and chilled at the same time but at least he wasn't drunk. Well, thank heaven for that. It must be why he got bail. On a side note, to the protesting school children I'd like to say: GET YOUR LAZY ASSES BACK IN SCHOOL AND LEARN SOMETHING! THE LAST THING WE NEED IS ONE OF YOU GROWING UP TO BE JUB JUB - PART 2!!


Moving abroad, protestors in Thailand have hurled bags of their own blood at the residential compound of the Thai Prime Minister in hopes that the shock tactic would bring down his government. The Thai National Blood Service wept as thousands of protestors each gave a few teaspoons of blood. This was then transferred into dozens of large plastic water jugs that were passed overhead through the crowd of cheering protesters before being delivered to Government House. It was then poured into plastic bags and hurled at the walls, floors and roofs of the compound buildings.

Kind of makes toyi-toying look stupid now doesn't it? It is unconfirmed whether or not those that gave blood received a cookie.


And finally... Sex can be a wonderful thing but sometimes it can really burn your ass. This was proven when a Swiss man was photographed by Swiss daily Blick, naked on the window ledge of a transsexual prostitute's apartment when a fire broke out therein. The 33-year-old man was hospitalised after the fire last Monday afternoon and was released that evening with light burns. Not to be outdone, a Russian couple died of carbon-monoxide poisoning when they had sex in their car in a sealed garage. "A man and a woman retreated to their Volkswagen to have sex... Most likely the lovers turned on the engine to get warm," Interfax reported, citing a source in the Moscow police force.

This wouldn't have happened in an electric car... I'm just saying.

These stories prove once again that though some people want to burn in the fires of passion, others just want a warm place with a funny smell.


This concludes this week's edition of The Opening Monologue. See you next week and remember, you haven't heard it all till you've heard The Last Say On Sunday.

Goodbye.

Posted by vittorio at 6:05 PM | Comments (0)

March 24, 2010

Stand-up Comedy @ Bubba J's

Wednesday the 24th of March 2010
Bubba J's Sports and Comedy Cafe

Corner of Finch & Reier Road, Atlasville

Brought to you by Nomad Comedy

Join me on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?v=info&gid=91633385882

Line-up: Hannes Brummer (MC), Open Spot, Vittorio Leonardi and Al Prodgers

Show Starts: 20:00
Entrance Fee: R20/ R50 for the couches!

Posted by vittorio at 8:00 PM | Comments (0)

March 25, 2010

Stand-up Comedy @ The Venetian Show Bar, The Marco Polo Casino

Thursday the 25th of March 2010
The Venetian Show Bar

The Marco Polo Casino, Nelson Mandela Square
8 Maude Street, Johannesburg, Gauteng, South Africa 2146

Directions: http://www.themarcopolo.co.za/marcopolomap.pdf

Join me on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?v=info&gid=91633385882

Come join us for an evening of Stand-up Comedy brought to you by The Marco Polo Casino.

Line-up: Vittorio Leonardi (MC), Shirley Kirchmann, Nqoba Ngcobo and Malcolm Ferreira - Vodacom's "Jan" - Player 23.

Show Starts: 20:30
Entrance Fee: R50

Posted by vittorio at 8:30 PM | Comments (0)

March 26, 2010

Stand-up Comedy and Rock @ COMEDY ROCKS!

Friday the 26th of March 2010
COMEDY ROCKS!
The Rustic Theatre

Plot 7, Main Road, Lonehill, Gauteng

GPS:
S26 degrees 00.783' OR
E028 degrees 02.326'

Contact: 011 244 9909

For the first time in this country one venue will be host to a full comedy show followed by some of the best bands in the country.

4Comics, 4 Bands, R65, nuff said.

ON THE WEB:
http://www.comedyrocks.co.za/
http://www.facebook.com/group.php?v=info&gid=91633385882
http://www.rustictheatre.co.za/Home/tabid/36/Default.aspx
http://www.computicket.com/web/event/comedy_rocks/111036256

FACEBOOK:
Comedy Rocks Group - http://www.facebook.com/?ref=home#!/group.php?gid=278042389890&ref=ts

Comedy Goes Rustic - http://www.facebook.com/?ref=home#!/event.php?eid=338393467250&ref=ts

Tickets available at Computicket or at the door on the night.

Line-up:
COMEDY:
Chris Forrest (MC), Melt Sieberhagen, Vittorio Leonardi, Hannes Brummer and Warren Robertson.

MUSIC:
21:30 - 22:00: Naming James
22:25- 23:00: Heroes Wear Red
23:15 - 00:00: New Academics
00:15 - 01:00: Start the Fire

Doors Open: 18:00
Show Starts: 20:00 - 21:30
Entrance Fee: R65

Posted by vittorio at 6:00 PM | Comments (0)

March 30, 2010

The Opening Monologue - 30/03/2010

The Opening Monologue - Tuesday the 30th of March 2010
Written by Vittorio Leonardi.

Good evening.

This week saw the official opposition get a vacation from the usual cat-calling, abuse hurling and customary threats associated with being in government. The PAC Youth League was kind enough to step up and relieve them and themselves all over the ANC Youth League and our own Superhero - Designated Distraction Man A.K.A. Julius Malema. At a time of celebration when Human Rights Day was commemorated, it was only fitting that someone would hijack the semantics truck and drive it like they stole it, straight into someone's political agenda.

Herewith follows the harrowing tale.

Sunday, March the 21st 2010. Human Rights Day. A day that will live in infamy. At least as far as the PAC Youth League sees it. On this day, Designated Distraction Man Julius Malema wilfully stated that the ANC's well-planned campaign of national action against the Apartheid Government was without warning, "hijacked" by the PAC.

And that's when the fight started your honour.

The PAC condemned Malema like a disused S.A. clothing factory or government-built R.D.P. housing. The PAC youth - PAYCO - referred to him as a "Mickey Mouse pop star" who "knows nothing" about the liberation struggle. They continued by saying:

"We will never allow this political buffoon to rape the proud, rich liberation struggle credentials of PAC... A high school drop-out like Malema who cannot even pass woodwork cannot be expected to grapple with... subjects like history."

And still more...

"It is only in the ANC where fools like him are allowed to occupy leadership positions,"

So just to recap, the PAC is more concerned about someone besmirching their credentials than remembering that 69 people were gunned down with machine guns. So is one to assume that those events were simply a means to an end? No corpses meant no international pressure to remove Apartheid. Coincidence? I suppose so.

But I digress. Back to the PAC's credentials.

What followed was the traditional argument of "I know you are but what am I?" ANCYL mouthpiece Floyd Shivambu said he wouldn't respond to anything the PAC said till he received it in writing. Actually, what he said was "LALALALALA! I AM NOT LISTENING! I'M RUBBER, YOU'RE GLUE! WHATEVER YOU SAY, BOUNCES OFF ME AND STICKS TO YOU!!"

And then like a bellowing nutter on a soap box, the PAC took this opportunity to bring forth every demand ever brought up in every meeting they've had since 1994. They also worded them in the form of a non-negotiable request. And we all know that always works with the ANC.

1. The Government has 10 days to rename Human Rights Day to its original title of Sharpeville-Langa Day because we need to remember where it took place what actually happened there is unimportant. Requests to rename the day as The PAC Did This One First, Nyah! Nyah! Weh! Day has gone unconfirmed. If this didn't happen, the PAC would "turn the country upside down" through nationwide protests. So not only have they the numbers but also earth-moving equipment.
2. History books must be re-written to tell the truth. All distorted (whatever that means) books must be removed from libraries. This is the same tactic used by other groups such as The Romans, The Mongols, The Russians and The Nazis so the PAC is in good company.
3. They want an African Coach for Bafana Bafana stating "That coach is not suitable for Bafana Bafana in the upcoming World Cup. We cannot promote Brazilian football here in South Africa. We want an African coach."
4. The PAC Youth League stated that if Designated Distraction Man didn't apologise for his statements within 5 days they would "injure him to death."

"We are saying to Malema to apologise within five days or we will injure him to death... He will either end up in a hospital or in a mortuary,"
PACYL president Pitso Mphasha said at a press conference in Johannesburg last Friday.

Well... it finally happened.

Someone has finally said something more dim, addle-brained and dim-witted than anything George Walker Bush ever uttered during his presidency. "Injure him to death"? How would you even begin to diagram that sentence?

Gentlemen. The Dictionary called, it wants its language back.

A final arrow in this salvo of abuse came when PACYL president Pitso Mpasha was asked how the PACYL intended killing Malema. He said the party's membership from all communities would be mobilised to kill him.

So it's to be death by gangbang? Classy.

He described this approach as not necessarily being outside the law as the government was being run by criminals.

"The laws of this country protect criminals. We are being led by criminals from the president to the bottom people."

These guys really know how to pick their battles don't they?

When it was suggested that the PACYL was promoting violence, Mphasha said:

"We respect human rights in our Constitution, but we will not be apologetic. We cannot allow small domkops from the ANCYL to insult our party. Sharpeville belongs to the Pan Africanist Congress."

Sorry. I needed to fetch my asthma inhaler there.

None of this bickering would've happened if Facebook had been around back then. There would have been official record of who created the event; how many people were attending and who wasn't. The only difference being that had the PAC created the event, there would've been no Maybe Attending button. With the PAC, you're either in or you're injured to death.

As usual, all of this merry banter conveniently distracted the country from JZ's R5 million legal bill that we paid though I'm still waiting for the invoice.

Also unnoticed was Defence Minister Lindiwe Sisulu's absence at the ninth qualified audit of the Department of Defence. Had she been there, she would've had to explain why the financial records of the department were akin to New Orleans after Katrina. A minor mention should also be made of Army Chief Solly Shoke's comment that this Soccer World Cup is not about security but about the fans enjoying themselves. Oh goody. Can Al-Qaeda play too?

And lastly, no one seemed to notice that Cabinet last Thursday condemned the violent service delivery protests. They didn't say how they would fix the problem. They just condemned it. They called on all protestors to act responsibly. The downside fellas is that the protestors have realised that unless you nuke a cabinet ministers Mercedes from time to time, no one pays attention.

All of these events went unnoticed. It looks like Julius Malema has done it again. Well done Designated Distraction Man!

And now, moving to some foreign trade...


Middle East Peace Envoy Tony Blair has stated that the world will do whatever it takes to stop Iran from getting nuclear weapons. They were mum however, on stopping the supply of conventional arms to any small nation that wants them. This is where Iran made mistake number one. Had their government been installed by the C.I.A. in a coup they could've had all the conventional and chemical weapons they wanted.

Isn't that right Saddam? Saddam? Oh that's right, you tried to have an opinion.

So Iran, I'm sorry but no nukes for you. Silly Iran, bad puppy, no biscuit.

If you want porn of or to read The New York Times, China awaits you but if you want to Tweet of Facebook a friend, go elsewhere capitalist pig!! It seems Chinese authorities are more concerned with the rapid sharing of information than with someone waxing their carrot. And lets be honest, after you've done the deed, who wants to fight anyway?


Excessive weed use among teens has been found to cause sleep deprivation according to a study of 8,349 teens ranging from grades 7 to 12. Group dynamics can be cited as a cause. Put simply, if your friends are angry in the group it rubs off on you. So if everyone is getting stoned, so will you. People who use all their time getting baked will be sleeping less. A more obvious answer would be that when you get high, you get the munchies; you eat a ton of sugary things and then you can't sleep.

BECAUSE NOW YOU'RE BUZZED!!!


And finally... Two suspects in Fairfield, Connecticut were arrested by police for bank robbery when they called the bank ahead of time and told an employee to get a bag of money ready.

An unidentified 16-year-old boy and 27-year-old Albert Bailey were greeted by the police in the parking lot of the People's United Bank branch in Fairfield.

Sergeant James Perez stated that the two suspects showed up 10 minutes after making the call. The two were described as being "not too bright."

Perhaps they had the munchies and needed some cash.


This concludes this week's edition of The Opening Monologue. See you next week and remember, you haven't heard it all till you've heard The Last Say On Sunday.

Goodbye.

Posted by vittorio at 6:39 PM | Comments (0)

Stand-up Comedy @ Cool Runnings, Victory Park

Tuesday the 30th of March 2010
Cool Runnings

Shop 28, Victory Park Shopping Centre
Rustenburg Rd, Victory Park

Tel: +27 (11) 888 7633/4
Fax: +27 (11) 888 7628

Join me on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=91633385882

Line-up: Vittorio Leonardi and Martin Davis.

Show Starts: 20:30
Entrance Fee: FREE!!

Posted by vittorio at 8:30 PM | Comments (0)

March 31, 2010

Stand-up Comedy @ Tanz Cafe

Wednesday the 31st of March 2010
Tanz Cafe
The Riverside Mews next to the Madison Spar,
Corner The River Road & Bryanston Drive, Bryanston, Johannesburg, Gauteng, South Africa

Bookings: (+2711) 463 5937 or (+2711) 463 3128.

Brought to you by Nomad Comedy and Tanz Cafe.

Tanz Cafe Homepage: http://www.tanzcafe.co.za/
My Facebook Group: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=91633385882

Line-up: Vittorio Leonardi and Martin Davis.

Show Starts: 20:30
Entrance Fee: R60

Posted by vittorio at 8:30 PM | Comments (0)