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February 2, 2010

The Opening Monologue - 02/02/2010

The Opening Monologue - Tuesday the 2nd of February 2010
Written by Vittorio Leonardi.

Good evening.


Ten US aid workers from a Southern Baptist Church in Idaho were caught trying to smuggling 33 Haitian orphans out of the disaster stricken land on Sunday. The problem was that they had no official papers to move the kids. Also, some of the "orphans" weren't orphans.

Now it was quite alright to want to emulate Madonna and Angelina Jolie and want to wander off with a foreign child. However, one has to go through the proper channels. Besides, what excuse were they going to give once caught?

"We saw them in the rubble and we just had to have them."

Meanwhile, the US has said that no more food aid will be flown into the flattened country till they find out who is footing the bill. And you can see their point. Just because Haiti had an earthquake or 20 it doesn't mean they've forgotten how to work their chequebook. Besides, all that rattling should have at least shaken some change loose.

Winnie Madikizela-Mandela isn't happy about the possible pardon and release of former Vlakplaas head Eugene De Kok.

She stated, "What about the victims? I know some of the mothers of the children who were killed by him. They haven't been asked [if he should be released]."

True but one can then ask if Winnie ever asked the family of Stompie Moeketsi if it was okay for her to simply pay a fine rather than serve the six year prison sentence she received for complicity in his death.


Deputy President Kgalema Motlanthe has criticised Julius Malema over his visiting of schools in Gauteng and the North West Province. And before you ask, no, he wasn't looking to redo Woodwork.

Motlanthe said:

"We cannot call upon teachers and learners to be at school on time and then want to address them during school time, it cannot work that way,"

"That is an excuse of people who want to disrupt learning and we should not tolerate that. Principals, teachers and learners themselves should never accept that, it does not matter who it is."

Julius gave a considered, measured response.

"If the deputy president has a problem with the youth league he must raise it with us. He has unlimited access to the league. Until he does that, I don't see why I should respond to whatever he is saying, he is not the ANC."

A fair point. He's only the deputy president of the country and what does that count for in the end?


National Police Day came and went and surprisingly, there wasn't a crime wave. Well, no more than usual. What is National Police Day I hear you ask? In an attempt to boost morale, government chose 50 000 police officers from across the country and bussed them into Bloemfontein for a day of music, food and partying.
The DA had raised its voice in protest wanting to know what the cost of the event was and also of the sanity of pulling 50 000 police officers - 10 000 from Gauteng alone - off the streets in a country with our crime problem second only to a Haitian earthquake zone. Government responded saying that we should not focus on the cost of the event but on the good it can do for our officers to have one day off.

Easy to say when it isn't their money they're spending. But in the end, there was no crime spree. Here are two possible reasons for this:

1. 50 000 of the shadiest cops were bussed away for the day.

2. Criminals, feeling lonely without so many playmates decided to celebrate National Criminals Day in response.


And finally. Two US Navy ships - the USS Nicholas and the HSV-2 Swift - recently passed through our ports on their way to Somalia. Their mission is to deliver aid to the beleaguered nation. But what about the threat of pirates some may ask? Well, the HSV-2 Swift - HSV standing for High Speed Vehicle - has been clocked at speeds of up to 66 knots or 122 km/h. Well in excess of pirate boarding crafts. So it seems the US Navy have just turned piracy into a cartoon, the pirates playing Wile E. Coyote and the Swift as the roadrunner. Good luck lads. BEEP! BEEP!


This concludes this week's edition of The Opening Monologue. See you next week and remember, you haven't heard it all till you've heard The Last Say On Sunday.

Goodbye.

Posted by vittorio at 12:50 PM | Comments (0)

February 4, 2010

Stand-up Comedy @ News Cafe, Faerie Glen

Thursday the 4th of February 2010

News Cafe
The Glen Village North Centre
Corner Hans Strijdom & Olympus Roads, Faerie Glen, Pretoria East

Bookings: (012) 991-1110

URL:
Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/search/?q=news+cafe+faerie+glen&init=quick#/group.php?gid=20182556654&v=wall&ref=search

Join me on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=91633385882

Line-up: Vittorio Leonardi (MC), Shirley Kirchmann, Conrad Koch and Tony King.

Show Starts: 20:00
Entrance Fee: FREE! (REMEMBER TO BOOK!!!)

Posted by vittorio at 8:00 PM | Comments (0)

February 7, 2010

Stand-up Comedy @ Cool Runnings, Melville

Sunday the 7th of February 2010

Comedy Underground
Cool Runnings, 27 4th Ave, Melville. Johannesburg, Gauteng, South Africa.

Information: (+2711) 482 4786

Brought to you by Cool Runnings and Whacked Management.

URL: http://www.whacked.co.za/home.html
Email: taffia@whacked.co.za
Telephone: (+2711) 326 0021
Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=91633385882#/pages/Whacked-Entertainment-Management/144167930317?ref=ts

Join me on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=91633385882

Line-up: John Vlismas (MC), Vittorio Leonardi with the remaining line-up to be confirmed...

Show Starts: 20:00
Entrance Fee: R30

Posted by vittorio at 8:00 PM | Comments (0)

February 9, 2010

The Opening Monologue - 09/02/2010

The Opening Monologue - Tuesday the 9th of February 2010
Written by Vittorio Leonardi.

Good evening.


It was a week of new fathers and gunfire, the kind of week that makes you happy to be alive. It also reminded us of why sometimes it's better to be on this side of the barricades because you never know what might spray into the crowd. So let us begin at the beginning.


The saga of President Zuma's new baby seemed to have wrapped itself up all in the space of a week. All the outrage, name-calling and bickering was kept to the main week keeping the masses amused, the newsmen employed, the papers printing and still leaving time for the weekend.
Like a well-oiled machine the incoherent - led by Julius Malema - were the first to have a go as the rumour mill began churning. Then the traditional outbreak of presidential muteness followed. The media, evil fiends that they are, printed what they felt was necessary and true. Conveniently, this ploy cured the presidency of its muteness.
The presidency then took up the incoherency baton and ran with it. What followed was the usual tirade of "Oh no he didn't!" from all sides of the political spectrum. In the end it was all resolved. The president did what was culturally necessary to appease the family of his new lady in waiting; the media voiced it's outraged at statements made by our leading boss fella and the rest of us carried on fighting morning traffic.

After this song and dance, what lesson did we learn? Even though our president might be trying to break Tiger Woods' record, it seems most people couldn't care less.

Ain't politics grand?

Moving on. It's the first quarter of the year and striking season is in full swing in the land of higher education. Protesting students at Tshwane University of Technology (TUT) went down 1-0 to police and security personnel. The Pan Africanist Student Movement of Azania (Pasma) sang outside the wall; their leader attempted to climb it to speak to the masses as his backing vocals warbled on but lo, security did try to unseat the king of the hill and it all came tumbling down. Proving that you can try to scale the walls of education but beware the caning that follows.

Not to be outdone, the academic department of The University of Cape Town (UCT) is poised to strike over wage disputes and a lack of decent salary increases. Clearly somebody's annoyed they didn't get tenure.


Robben Island and Operation Rabbit Cull is in full swing. Its Wabbit Season and a small detachment of Elmer Fudds are sweeping the island by night in an attempt to irradiate 25 000 bunnies from the historic landmark. But fear not, the best meat will be sold to restaurants around Cape Town with the remainder going to the under privileged.

Yum yum, Culled With Care in The Cape.


Staying with The Mother City, a group of sangomas plan to slaughter a bull on Thibault Square during the opening ceremony of a festival called "Infecting The City". It is aimed at drawing people to the CBD. The sacrifice is part of its "Human rite" theme, showcasing a host of traditional ceremonies in the city centre. And as we all know, nothing draws you nearer and gives you the warm and fuzzies like a re-enactment of the village scene from Apocalypse Now!


Staying with great films, its Oscar season and two S.A. films are up for a total of six awards. Invictus - the story of the 1995 Rugby World Cup and District 9 - a tale of aliens living in a Johannesburg township. This is truly a momentous occasion and something that we can all be proud of. However, one has to wonder what sort of message about SA these films send. What can tourists arriving for the world cup learn about South Africa from these films? Well, apparently, we love rugby, freeing anti-Apartheid struggle leaders and xenophobia.

The question must then be raised: Is that Ayoba?


And finally, in the wake of National Police Day - when 50 000 police officers were given the day off to party at a special celebration in Bloemfontein - one Police reservist did not have the best day. Last Tuesday it was reported in Beeld that Sergeant Johnny de Jager and his girlfriend Karen Victor called 10111 four times on that Friday night after surviving an attempted house robbery in his flat. The police never showed up. De Jager, who was shot three times, repeatedly told his story to operators at the call centre and never got the necessary back-up.

However, after an investigation, it was discovered that De Jager never called 10111. His girlfriend had dialled 911 instead. This got her through to the Cell C emergency centre that dispatched an ambulance but not the police.

The moral of this story:

1. Make sure your partner knows at all times what country they're in.

2. Determine how they'll react under pressure before a situation arises.

3. When dating someone, find out how big a fan they are of the series' and works of William Shatner.


This concludes this week's edition of The Opening Monologue. See you next week and remember, you haven't heard it all till you've heard The Last Say On Sunday.

Goodbye.

Posted by vittorio at 12:45 PM | Comments (0)

February 11, 2010

Stand-up Comedy @ News Cafe, Faerie Glen

Thursday the 11th of February 2010

News Cafe
The Glen Village North Centre
Corner Hans Strijdom & Olympus Roads, Faerie Glen, Pretoria East

Bookings: (012) 991-1110

URL:
Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/search/?q=news+cafe+faerie+glen&init=quick#/group.php?gid=20182556654&v=wall&ref=search

Join me on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=91633385882

Line-up: Vittorio Leonardi (MC), Omer Mahgoub, Tumi Morake and Darren Maule.

Show Starts: 20:00
Entrance Fee: FREE! (REMEMBER TO BOOK!!!)

Posted by vittorio at 8:00 PM | Comments (0)

February 16, 2010

The Opening Monologue - 16/02/2010

The Opening Monologue - Tuesday the 16th of February 2010
Written by Vittorio Leonardi.

Good evening.

The week that was gave us time to reflect: On past joys, on love and the right to speak out, even when we make absolutely no sense. Some events were truly wonderful and gave us the hope of looking to a future with some joy in it, while others reminded us of why we must sometimes cover our ears and shout "Lalala! I am not listening!! Lalalala!!!"

So, let's get started with a few of those.


To say that President Zuma's State of The Nation address was met with criticism would be like saying the credit crunch was a minor flutter on the economic radar. Everyone had something to say about it, most of it bad, and the address was slowly razed to the ground.

Here are a few of the glancing blows:

Zwelinzima Vavi, secretary-general of Cosatu: "Overall (on) the issue of jobs, poverty and inequalities, I'm quite disappointed."

Nic Borain, independent political analyst: "I was quite surprised with the claim of job creation ... it just doesn't work with me. It sounds like a massaging of figures."

Shadrack Gutto, University of South Africa law professor: "It was not inspiring. It was more of a regurgitation of policies,"

But the headshot came from Payco - The Pan Africanist Youth Congress of Azania - when they stated that President Zuma must resign as head of state with immediate effect because he continues to embarrass South Africa.

Ironically, this statement comes from the same group that said the SABC 1 soapie Generations had "declared war with African cultures and practices" and that "Africa is not the home of gays and lesbians."

Proof positive that they know what they're talking about. Clearly they're experts on what it takes to embarrass themselves and the nation.

Meanwhile, elsewhere in the country. Cosatu has just realised that the 2010 Football World Cup will be a merchandising boon... for China. It seems that the manufacturing of most of the events merchandise including the World Cup mascot Zakumi is being outsourced to China.

Cosatu has insisted that: "Every sweater for the world cup must be made here."

However, the contract for making Zakumi was awarded to a KZN-based company that later outsourced it to China.

Methinks Cosatu has forgotten where they get their apparel from. The next time they give out free shirts at a rally, check the tag. Chances are you'll see the words: Made in China.


Elsewhere on the protest front, shots rang out last Monday as the police fired on a protest staged by... fellow officers. Police reservists were protesting no pay and a lack of promotions among its ranks. But never fear, the situation was calmed by the arrival of Winnie Madikizela-Mandela.

What?

Yes indeed. Winnie's presence quietened the tense atmosphere. Then she ruined all that good work by speaking. She said that it was tragic that the protest had to take place just days before the ANC celebrated its 98th anniversary and the commemoration of Nelson Mandela's release from prison.

She has a point; these men should've chosen another week to get shot. I guess timing is everything.


Staying with good timing. Thursday the 11th of February marked the 20th anniversary of the release of Nelson Mandela from prison; a truly momentous occasion in our history and the birth of Madiba Magic.

Unfortunately, Julius Malema decided he'd work his own brand of Malema magic by opening his great big pudding muncher. At celebrations marking Madiba's release he stated that former president FW De Klerk - who won the Nobel Peace Prize with Mandela - should not be celebrated.

"De Klerk never released Mandela - De Klerk must never be celebrated. De Klerk is a product of apartheid."

"De Klerk sponsored black-on-black violence. De Klerk sponsored the IFP to kill our people in KwaZulu-Natal."

Oi.

*Covers ears with hands*

"Lalala! I am not listening!! Lalalala!!!"


And finally; Valentine's Day came and went, like so many premature lovers. Florists had a boon in sales as did chocalatiers and lingerie salesmen and hospitals worldwide began preparations for the avalanche of whoopsie pregnancies that will be arriving in November this year.

Sadly though it wasn't all hearts and kisses. Two members of a Potchefstroom Apostolic Church drowned in a botched baptism at Durban's North Beach on Sunday morning. They were wading out into the shallows when a strong rip current pulled them out. The problem? They couldn't swim.

The moral: All you need is love. And a life-jacket.


This concludes this week's edition of The Opening Monologue. See you next week and remember, you haven't heard it all till you've heard The Last Say On Sunday.

Goodbye.

Posted by vittorio at 4:01 PM | Comments (0)

February 18, 2010

Stand-up Comedy @ News Cafe, Faerie Glen

Thursday the 18th of February 2010

News Cafe
The Glen Village North Centre
Corner Hans Strijdom & Olympus Roads, Faerie Glen, Pretoria East

Bookings: (012) 991-1110

URL:
Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/search/?q=news+cafe+faerie+glen&init=quick#/group.php?gid=20182556654&v=wall&ref=search

Join me on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=91633385882

Line-up: Vittorio Leonardi (MC), Omer Mahgoub, Tumi Morake, Darren Maule, Chris Forrest and Magic Man.

Show Starts: 20:00
Entrance Fee: FREE! (REMEMBER TO BOOK!!!)

Posted by vittorio at 8:00 PM | Comments (0)

February 23, 2010

The Opening Monologue - 23/02/2010

The Opening Monologue - Tuesday the 23rd of February 2010
Written by Vittorio Leonardi.

Good evening.

It is truly an amazing thing to watch the political machine's gears grind away. The week began with a barrage of criticism, a veritable carpet-bombing of disapproval burying President Zuma after what many would describe as his Challengeresque State of The Nation address. Politicians fried him with all sorts of spicy zingers and barbed quips. They stopped short of saying "You're ugly and your wives dress you funny!"

But then something strange happened.

Something we should've seen coming.

Look! Up in the sky! Is it a tender? Is it a debacle? No! It's Designated Distraction Man!! Yes, Designated Distraction Man who swoops in to save the ruling party whenever the water gets too hot for them. Disguised as mad-mannered politician Julius Malema, Designated Distraction Man continues his never-ending quest to draw attention away from important issues and focus us securely on the rantings of the incoherent.

It began with the post-State of The Nation address roasting of our president.

Julius Malema is a "jewel" and other parties are jealous they don't have Malema as a member of their youth leagues. Deputy Police Minister Fikile Mbalula told MPs this last Monday apparently trying to lighten the mood after the lambasting of the president. The main show had been spectacular. Great one-liners included the DA's Mike Ellis and Athol Trollip thought bombs:

"The ANC have made no attempt to defend you today. They have abandoned you in this debate."

Oooooooh!

"Your first year in office has hardly been stellar and your call for 2010 to be a year of action really rings hollow in our ears,"

Aaaaaaah!

However, the finishing blow came with this howler from African Christian Democratic Party leader Kenneth Meshoe:

"As you know, honourable president, the ACDP objected to the opening of Parliament at night, something that is not done in any democratic country in the world.

"I nevertheless believe that what happened on Thursday night was prophetic. The sun is setting on you and the ANC."

Daaaaamn!

Unconfirmed reports say that the president responded by saying: "Huh? Oh I'm sorry. All I heard was blah, blah, blah, no one voted for you, Kenneth and R.E.M. isn't singing about you either."


And just when things looked to be at their most dire, JZ impressed us all by flexing his presidential muscle... and arresting a jogger. In a move that has made Robert Mugabe say "He's stealing my act!" the Presidential VIP Protection Nazis decided to have a snatch and grab drill while steaming through the Western Cape.

The story goes that Chumani Maxwele - a UCT student and active member of the ANC - was waiting for the presidential cavalcade to pass when disaster struck. He lost control of his thoughts, his senses and finally his arms and allegedly "waved" the procession on.

This was his lucky day because just then, a black BMW pulled up, grabbed Maxwele, put a bag over his head and offered him a free tour of the presidential residence. How could he refuse? And why did they put a bag over his head? Well, the car's interior was in a mess and the VIP Protection unit didn't want to embarrass themselves any further.

After re-arranging his apartment and giving him a 24 hour marathon session of Trivial Pursuit: Gestapo Edition, Chumani was released.

As a parting gift we all learned a valuable lesson: Don't wave at the presidential pitbulls!


After this incident, DA leader Helen Zille decided to issue a Blue-Light-Ban in the Western Cape saying that no government motorcades of any kind can use their blue lights and sirens unless its a true emergency. However, red lights are still okay. Greenpoint's streetwalkers and all girls named Roxanne can therefore breathe a sigh of relief.

And just when it looked like the president might put another foot wrong, in stepped Designated Distraction Man!


Julius Malema got caught in The Tender Trap!! A report in the Sunday Times claimed that Julius Malema was making money. Lots of it. Great big heaps of it. The problem is that he's making money out of companies he says he's resigned from. And yet the cash continues to flow in. Clearly they didn't get the email his lawyers apparently sent but can find no record of. It seems that having a famous face does pay for itself.

To befuddle the media, Julius called a press conference where he was doing well till his Tourettes started acting up. He accused the press of accepting "brown envelopes", sleeping with people and drinking with politicians to get information.

"We know who receives brown envelopes where, who sleeps with who where, who drinks with who until seven in the morning revealing everything," he said.

He closed his act with his usual line when backed into a corner - Designated Distraction Man's secret weapon: The Race Card!

"This car I own is nothing compared to the cars of white kids, sports cars they play with in Sandton every Sunday. If you want to see people who are playing with money, go to Sandton.

"There's no corruption because they are white, if they are to be driven by any African child all of them will be investigated, all of them would be front pages.

"You don't want a black diamond to shine... you'll never succeed with us."

And lo, with that, focus is off the president once more. Thank you Designated Distraction Man.

As a side note, Julius Malema was one of the most vocal to oppose a call by Cosatu general secretary Zwelinzima Vavi wanting politicians' lifestyles to be audited to expose their stacks of lovely lolly.

Coincidence much?


One comment that was commendable this past week was made by Police Minister Nathi Mthethwa. Speaking to councilors in Khayalitsha outside Cape Town he warned them to keep politics out of the war on crime:

"I don't care if the problems are with the ANC or anyone else, I will not allow the police to get involved in politics. I don't give a damn about political disputes when children and grannies are being raped."

However one has to ask, if a politician then commits a crime, should they really be left alone?


This concludes this week's edition of The Opening Monologue. See you next week and remember, you haven't heard it all till you've heard The Last Say On Sunday.

Goodbye.

Posted by vittorio at 5:22 PM | Comments (0)

February 24, 2010

Stand-up Comedy @ Tony's Spaghetti Grill

Wednesday the 24th of February 2010
Tony's Spaghetti Grill
The Leaping Frog Garden Centre, Corner of Mulbarton Avenue and William Nicol, Lonehill, Johannesburg, Gauteng.

Directions:
Travel north on William Nicol Drive, past the Fourways Mall Shopping Centre, until you reach The Leaping Frog Garden Shopping Center, on the right hand side, cnr Mulbarton Avenue, Lonehill.

Join me on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=91633385882

Line-up: Vittorio Leonardi (MC) and Nqoba Ngcobo.

Show Starts: 20:00
Entrance Fee: FREE!

Posted by vittorio at 8:00 PM | Comments (0)