« November 2009 | Main | January 2010 »

December 3, 2009

Stand-up Comedy @ News Cafe, Faerie Glen

Thursday the 3rd of December 2009

News Cafe
The Glen Village North Centre
Corner Hans Strijdom & Olympus Roads, Faerie Glen, Pretoria East

Bookings: (012) 991-1110

Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/search/?q=news+cafe+faerie+glen&init=quick#/group.php?gid=20182556654&v=wall&ref=search
My Facebook Group: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=91633385882

Line-up: Vittorio Leonardi (MC), Nqoba Nqobu and Comedy Ventriloquist Conrad Koch.

Show Starts: 20:00
Entrance Fee: FREE! (REMEMBER TO BOOK!!!)

Posted by vittorio at 8:00 PM | Comments (0)

December 5, 2009

Stand-up Comedy @ Luigi's & Bangkok Wok

Saturday the 5th of December 2009

Luigi's and Bangkok Wok
Shop 14A and Shop 13, Lighthouse Mall, Chartwell Drive, Umhlanga Rocks,

Luigi's and Bankok Wok Umhlanga will host 3 well-known stand up comedians for a "dinner and a show" comedy night. The price of R295 pp includes a full three-course meal from either of the venues set menus as well as hours of enjoyable entertainment. Booking is essential Luigi's - Alfred 031-5613988 or bankok wok - Marshall - 031-5612050. For more information on the comedians visit www.comedia.co.za. Invite all your friends and family to join you for a great night out.

Bookings: Luigi's - Alfred 031-5613988 or Bangkok Wok - Marshall - 031-5612050

Comedia: http://www.comedia.co.za/
Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/home.php?ref=home#/event.php?eid=187572832492&index=1
My Facebook Group: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=91633385882

Line-up: Martin Evans (MC), Rob Van Vuuren amd Vittorio Leonardi.

Show Starts: 19:00
Entrance Fee: R295 and includes a 3-course meal!

Posted by vittorio at 7:00 PM | Comments (0)

December 6, 2009

Stand-up Comedy @ Cool Runnings, Melville

Sunday the 6th of December 2009

Comedy Underground
Cool Runnings, 27 4th Ave, Melville. Johannesburg, Gauteng, South Africa.

Information: (+2711) 482 4786

Brought to you by Cool Runnings and Whacked Management.

URL: http://www.whacked.co.za/home.html
Email: taffia@whacked.co.za
Telephone: (+2711) 326 0021

Line-up: Kedibone Mulaudzi (MC), Omar Mahgoub, Tom Cronje, Chevan Naidoo, Warren Robertson, Hannes Brummer and Vittorio Leonardi.

Show Starts: 20:00
Entrance Fee: R30

Posted by vittorio at 8:00 PM | Comments (0)

December 7, 2009

The Opening Monologue - 07/12/2009

The Opening Monologue - Friday the 7th of December 2009
Written by Vittorio Leonardi.

Good evening.
The festive season has truly begun in earnest and nowhere is that more evident than for our former police commissioner now turned professional trial attendee, Jackie Selebi. On Tueday it was announced that his trial would be postponed till February the 1st 2010. This is so that the state security ministry can challenge the judge's decision to compel former national intelligence co-ordinator Barry Gilder to testify. Their argument is that he may compromise national security. However state prosecutor, Gerrie Nel, stated that everything Mr. Gilder will testify to is already in the public domain. Not much of a secret then is it? And you guys are in charge of keeping secrets? James Bond would be so proud... OF YOUR EPIC FAIL!!!

If Eskom produced chocolate the same way they produce electricity, they would never get away with their annual 35% rate hike. This was the message from Flip Buys, chief executive of trade union Solidarity. He stated:

"If Cadbury's needed to build a new chocolate factory, the company wouldn't increase the price of its chocolates by 35 percent per year to pay for the new factory... the company would be eaten alive by its competitors."

And what a tasty meal it would be. The morals of that story - Eskom needs competition and if they did produce chocolate, Valentine's Day and Easter would be perpetually on hold.

Sticking with edibles and comestibles for a moment; on Wednesday the DA called for a probe into food parcels handed out by Julius Malema on behalf of the South African Social Security Agency (Sassa).

Where's the harm in that you ask?

Well Patrice Kopane, DA spokeswoman on social development pointed out that the Sassa is a state institution funded with public money, is non-partisan and not a political party.

So why was the ANC's banner flying in the background on the day?

I doubt it has anything to do with the fact that Paseka Letsasi, a senior executive of Sassa, is also a member of the ANC youth league's national executive committee or that Julius Malema gave a R100 000 statutory Sassa grant to Rosie Claasen; a leading member of the ANC who runs a soup kitchen and a home for orphans.

No sir, no connection whasoever. These are not the droids you're looking for. *waves hands mystically.*

The presidential hotline seems to have bubbled under. Created so that anyone could report poor service delivery, it has since its inception in September this year fielded over 30000 complaints. Of that number, only a third has been resolved. Apparently, the system can't handle the sheer volume of calls coming in. So the system designed for reporting poor service delivery is unable to deliver? Methinks there's a message there somewhere.

Please listen for it after the beep. *BEEP*

Former President Thabo Mbeki should be held accountable for his handling of the AIDS pandemic said the Young Communists League of SA on Wednesday. They also said that a Truth and Reconciliation-type commission should be set up to assess whether or not the former president "is guilty of mass killing."
However, voices have been raised apposing such a witch-hunt including National Association of People living with HIV/Aids secretary general Nkululeko Nxesi. Raqising , quote:

"We need to spend all the limited resources and time we have in fighting HIV and Aids rather than focusing on fighting people and things that happened in the past. It is important that we move forward and stop trying to settle scores and by being vengeful."

A valid point.

On vengeance, Winston Churchill said "Nothing is more costly, nothing is more sterile than vengeance."

Although you have to admit, dressing up Thabo Mbeki in a chicken suit and hurling cream pies at him for an afternoon would be a tad gratifying.

At the 2010 World Cup, you can get arrested by train. The SAPS will have a train with a complete police station and holding cell ready to go for troublemakers. A first of its kind anywhere, inmates will be able to have a cell with a view.
And should they get rowdy,

"Sir, please. Would you like to take this outside?" HONK! HONK!! CLANG!!!

Problem solved.

And finally, by now almost everyone should know that Tiger Woods has admitted to having had at least one "transgression" with several other ladies lining up in the wings to have their 15 minutes of fame. Besides the confessions, depressions and public arbitrations in the media, the strangest story is that of John Ziegler, the pastor of the First Church of Tiger Woods.

Ziegler created the church in 1996 to "celebrate the emergence of the 'true messiah'".

He has since announced that after much personal evaluation he is dissolving the church and has renamed his website The Damnation of Tiger Woods.

"Tiger is clearly no longer deserving of being seen as a role model."

Agence France-Presse (AFP) made this fine point.

"Ziegler's reaction appears to fly in the face of the 10th of the Tiger Commandments - "Thou shall pay no attention to Tiger's apparent flaws".

I think someone needs to go bury their head in a bunker and cool off.

This concludes this week's edition of The Opening Monologue. See you next week and remember, you haven't heard it all till you've heard The Last Say On Sunday.

Posted by vittorio at 10:02 AM | Comments (0)

December 9, 2009

Stand-up Comedy @ Harveyz

Wednesday the 9th of December 2009

Corner of Broadway and Kensington Drive
Durban North, South Africa

Bookings: (031) 563-4887
Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/home.php?#/event.php?eid=192325246454&index=1
My Facebook Group: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=91633385882


Line-up: Vittorio Leonardi (MC), the new acts in the final heat before the competition final on the 16th of December; Simmi Areff and Jem Atkins.

Show Starts: 20:30
Entrance Fee: R50 (Pre-booked) or R60 at the door

Posted by vittorio at 8:30 PM | Comments (0)

December 10, 2009

Stand-up Comedy @ News Cafe, Faerie Glen

Thursday the 10th of December 2009

News Cafe
The Glen Village North Centre
Corner Hans Strijdom & Olympus Roads, Faerie Glen, Pretoria East

And tonight we present something different. An all-Afrikaans comedy show featuring Die Flying Dutchmen!!

Bookings: (012) 991-1110

Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/search/?q=news+cafe+faerie+glen&init=quick#/group.php?gid=20182556654&v=wall&ref=search
My Facebook Group: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=91633385882

Line-up: Al Prodgers (MC), Die Flying Dutchmen featuring Hannes Brummer and Melt Sieberhagen.

Show Starts: 20:00
Entrance Fee: FREE! (REMEMBER TO BOOK!!!)

Posted by vittorio at 8:00 PM | Comments (0)

Stand-up Comedy @ Parker's Comedy & Jive

Thursday the 10th December 2009

Parker's Comedy & Jive
Shop 24 (Entrance 1)
Montecasino, Montecasino Boulevard, (Cnr William Nicol and Witkoppen Roads), Fourways, Sandton, Gauteng, South Africa.

URL: http://www.parkerscomedy.com/ and http://www.parkerleisure.co.za/

Bookings: (+2711) 511 0081

Line-up: Martin Jonas (MC), Tumi Morake, Vittorio Leonardi and Irish Comedian, Brian Dempsey.

Show Starts: 20:30
Entrance Fee: R100

Posted by vittorio at 8:30 PM | Comments (0)

December 11, 2009

Stand-up Comedy @ Parker's Comedy & Jive

Friday the 11th of December 2009

Parker's Comedy & Jive
Shop 24 (Entrance 1)
Montecasino, Montecasino Boulevard, (Cnr William Nicol and Witkoppen Roads), Fourways, Sandton, Gauteng, South Africa.

URL: http://www.parkerscomedy.com/ and http://www.parkerleisure.co.za/

Bookings: (+2711) 511 0081

Line-up: Joe Parker (MC), Tumi Morake, Vittorio Leonardi and Irish Comedian, Brian Dempsey.

Show Starts:
Entrance Fee: R100

Posted by vittorio at 9:00 PM | Comments (0)

December 12, 2009

Stand-up Comedy @ Parker's Comedy & Jive

Saturday the 12th of December 2009

Parker's Comedy & Jive
Shop 24 (Entrance 1)
Montecasino, Montecasino Boulevard, (Cnr William Nicol and Witkoppen Roads), Fourways, Sandton, Gauteng, South Africa.

URL: http://www.parkerscomedy.com/ and http://www.parkerleisure.co.za/

Bookings: (+2711) 511 0081

Line-up: Joe Parker (MC), Tumi Morake, Vittorio Leonardi and Irish Comedian, Brian Dempsey.

Show Starts: 21:00
Entrance Fee: R100

Posted by vittorio at 9:00 PM | Comments (0)

December 13, 2009

Stand-up Comedy @ Champions

Sunday the 13th of December 2009

Silver Oaks Shopping Centre
Corner of Von Backstroom Boulevard and Hans Strydom Drive, Silverlakes

Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=91633385882

Line-up: Nicky Van (MC), Cyber - The Human Beatbox, Vittorio Leonardi and The Godfather of S.A. Comedy - Mel Miller.

Show Starts: 19:30
Entrance Fee: R30

Posted by vittorio at 7:30 PM | Comments (0)

December 14, 2009

The Opening Monologue - 14/12/2009

The Opening Monologue - Monday the 14th of December 2009
Written by Vittorio Leonardi.

Good evening.

The Yule tide is fast approaching. A time of miracles and a time to give thanks to the blessings bestowed on the less fortunate. Nowhere is that message clearer than with Shabir Shaik. In October of this year the Natal Mercury reported that Shaik was sighted playing golf in apparent violation of his parole. The Department of Correctional Services asked Shaik to explain the incident. Shaik duly replied with a statement saying:

"It wasn't me."

The state replied: "Oh well that's fine then."

See. No problems there. Correctional Services Minister, Nosiviwe Mapisa-Nqakula also took the opportunity to reiterate that she had no evidence that doctors had erred in their recommendation to grant Shabir Shaik medical parole nor that the Correctional Services and parole board had erred in its decision.

But, nobody mentioned that minister. Could that be guilt gnawing at your soul? Are you possibly due for a visit from the Ghost of Christmas Future?

On Thursday, the Freedom Front Plus - now with added delusion - stated that The Department of Home Affairs was "the most corrupt government department"

YAAAAAY!! *through streamers, dance around* Thank you Captain Obvious.

This was after the announcement that dozens of suspended officials were being investigated for giving citizenship to mainly Pakistani foreigners. This comes one year after Britain warned us that corrupt officials were handing out false South African passports thus making us a gateway country for terrorists.

Awkward much.

"The fraudulent registration of births of foreigners constitutes a serious threat to the national security of our country," Home Affairs Minister Nkosazana Dlamini Zuma said in a statement Thursday.

Actually minister I think you'll find it's the targeted countries that are in danger.

She said South African investigations would ensure all those implicated "face the full might of the law".

Indeed, unless they've already left our country. Then I guess they're someone else's problem.

Spokesperson for The Freedom Front Plus, Corne Mulder, stated that Minister Dlamini-Zuma and her department were "causing the general public to become more convinced that home affairs is the most corrupt government department".

Oh don't worry. We're convinced. Now do something about it!!

Thursday morning was also a day of firsts when head of the ANC Youth League, Julius Malema was booed at the SACP's special national congress following the recent mud-slinging between the SACP's Jeremy Cronin and Malema.

It all started when Cronin, in reference to Malema's calls to nationalise the mines of South Africa, stated that Julius didn't really understand the economics of the situation. Malema retorted, accusing Cronin of being the SACP's "white messiah."

Defaulting to the race card again Julius? How original.

Added to the fray were Blade Nzimande's comments on Tuesday where he attacked certain ANC members who were anti-communist. He also attacked capitalism and stated that socialism was the only way forward.

He has a point.

Communism and Socialism has worked out well in so many countries like Cuba... No wait, they're starving. Well, there's China. No wait, 80% of their rural population has AIDS. Well... it looks good on paper is all we're saying. We should all keep that in mind as Blade Nzimande drives around in his government Merc. Like a good communist should.

With all this mud flying about it is no surprise that on Sunday it became known that Minister Cronin was receiving SMS threats from someone claiming to be Julius Malema. Cronin has stated "I don't think its Malema." And why not? Was the grammar poor or was the message just in Pedi?

Lads, if I may, as a humble capitalist interject, tis the season to be jolly so how about we lay down our mudslingers and sing a few carols. Come Boxing Day, you can all sling away again.

And speaking of shiny presents under the Christmas tree never let it be said you never bought someone a gift this festive season. You, the taxpayer just shelled out R760 000 for yet another ministerial bling mobile. The deputy minister of correctional services, Hlengiwe Mkhize has just bought herself a new Porsche Cayenne as her official vehicle. To blend in with career criminals when she goes undercover I suppose.

Not to be out done, her boss, minister of correctional services Nosiviwe Mapisa-Nqakula lashed out R970 000 of taxpayers' money on a Lexus LS460.

Through all of this, minister of public service and administration Richard Baloyi has insisted that no rules have been broken. The DA has retorted that it might just be a good idea that ministers use cheaper official vehicles, what with them being public servants and all. Baloyi can't understand why so many voices of derision are still being raised about these vehicles.

Oh I don't know either. Could it be that every time government says there is no money for some or other public investment we as citizens see a bling government car cruise by and get the urge to hijack and sell said vehicle just to free up some loot?

Why must we always ask about those cars? Why can't we all just follow their lead... like good little sheep should?

The Airports Company of South Africa (ACSA) has "ambitious" plans to curb luggage pilfering at OR Tambo Airport said Transport Minister Sbu Ndebele on Thursday. He said nothing about the other airports so for now Bloemfontein, Durban and Cape Town can relax and keep on nicking.

Some might think that simply implementing an anti-pilfering plan sans announcement would be better than announcing it first. This is because one loses the element of surprise if they know you're coming.

Just a thought. Tipping your hand? Bad minister, no biscuit!

In reply to a Parliamentary question, Ndebele said that 0.9 of 1000 bags were pilfered at O.R. Tambo airport in the last financial year. Well below the world benchmark of 1.0 bags per 1000.

Sidebar!! Am I correct in saying that 0.9 out of a 1000 bags is just 0.1 below the benchmark? How then is that well below? It's not unlike being beaten within an inch of your life. It really isn't that far.

ACSA's target for the 2009/10 is 0.3 bags pilfered per 1000. They were mum on getting the planes to run on time. Some things just weren't meant to be.

And finally, a recent medical study published in the journal "Behavioural Neurosciences" has discovered that caffeine - friend to drunken students, deadline chasers and hangover sufferers the world over - will not sober you up. Yes indeed, coffee will remove the sedative effects of alcohol but it won't correct your bad judgement.

In other words, drinking a bucket-load of Jagerbombs will get you drunk but instead of passing out, you'll still be fully cognisant of the grumbler you hook up new Year's Eve. And you'll be unable to stop yourself. So folks, this festive season as you pour down that 9th vodka and redbull and saunter off into the night with that screaming howler on your arm, remember, you brought this on yourself. Later on when you wake up next to... it, you can rest easy with the knowledge that you were conscious the whole time. Vivid memories, hell yeah!! Now doesn't that make you want to just jingle all the way?

This concludes this week's edition of The Opening Monologue. See you next week and remember, you haven't heard it all till you've heard The Last Say On Sunday.


Posted by vittorio at 2:20 PM | Comments (0)

December 16, 2009

Stand-up Comedy @ Tony's Spaghetti Grill

Wednesday the 16th of December 2009
Tony's Spaghetti Grill
The Leaping Frog Garden Centre, Corner of Mulbarton Avenue and William Nicol, Lonehill, Johannesburg, Gauteng.

Travel north on William Nicol Drive, past the Fourways Mall Shopping Centre, until you reach The Leaping Frog Garden Shopping Center, on the left hand side, cnr Mulbarton Avenue, Lonehill.

Join me on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=91633385882

Line-up: The Godfather of S.A. Comedy, Mel Milller (MC), Vittorio Leonardi and Magic Man.

Show Starts: 20:00
Entrance Fee: FREE!

Posted by vittorio at 8:00 PM | Comments (0)

December 17, 2009

Stand-up Comedy @ News Cafe, Faerie Glen

Thursday the 17th of December 2009

News Cafe



Posted by vittorio at 8:00 PM | Comments (0)

December 22, 2009

The Opening Monologue - 21/12/2009

The Opening Monologue - Monday the 21st of December 2009
Written by Vittorio Leonardi.

Good evening.

Christmas is four days away and with it - according to all the advertising I've seen - a period of peace, tranquillity and goodwill should have blanketed the land by now.


There are a few people that have used up just about all the goodwill we can spare. I refer to those wayward souls that seem content to ride the goodwill bus till it runs out of fuel, rolls to the shoulder of the freeway and detonates with all the spectacle of a Guy Fawkes Celebration.

To start off this merry edition...

"How much more proof does the minister need before deciding to act against (this) convicted fraudster?"

This was the question posed by DA spokesperson for Correctional Services, James Selfe. He was referring to mounting evidence against the veracity of Shabir Shaik's repeated parole violations. With increasing evidence showing up in the local and national press about the constant gallivanting of the supposedly dying Shabir Shaik, the pressure has built to a fever pitch with even the most passive correctional services staffer having to admit that something is very wrong.
Sunday saw civil rights group, Agriforum, lodge a complaint with the Parole Board after Shaik was yet again sighted doing extra-curricular activities well outside the scope of his parole rights. I.E. the man is taking the piss. From golfing to shopping, Shabir Shaik has been documented violating his parole with not a even a peep out of the parole board. Now we're all reasonable folk. I'm willing to meet the parole board half-way. I think we would sleep easier at night if we could know the name of whatever disease it is that Shaik is supposedly dying of.

The last time I checked Gravy-trainitis and acute Truth Failure are not diseases.

Eyebrows and ire were raised on Friday when the South African Commercial, Catering and Allied Workers' Union (Saccawu) accused Pick n' Pay of racism in the company. Company chairperson Raymond Ackerman was "outraged" at the statement. In response to this, Ackerman reminded Saccawu that:

"Both the company and I suffered significant abuse at the hands of former politicians for our stand on human rights for black South Africans.

"We were harassed for our decision to violate the Job Reservation Act and promote black South Africans to positions they had earned in Pick n Pay," he said.

Two weeks ago Saccawu members at Pick n Pay embarked on a one day strike, accusing the company's CEO Nick Badminton of racism but gave little evidence regarding the incident. The only evidence they sited was a comment allegedly made by the CEO over a decade before. This naturally raises the question, why the long wait fellas? Did the incident slip your mind till now?

Some of the more cynical among you might think it has something to do with the upcoming wage negotiations between Pick n' Pay and Saccawu, an attempt to gain some sort of leverage over the company. But they wouldn't do that... would they? An underhanded union? Say it ain't so!!

Julius Malema is once again prepared to go to war. This most recent declaration came after the SACP meeting where he was booed off the stage by SACP members and was not allowed to speak.

"If that booing was a declaration of war, we are accepting that invite," said Malema.

He continued saying that the ANC Youth League would fight any attempts by "greedy yellow communists" to control the (ANC) party. He also lashed out at Higher Education Minister Blade Nzimande for saying nothing in his address which preceded the booing incident calling him a "master character assassinator."

And just to round up his rant, Malema admitted to sending a sms to the man whom he dubbed the SACP's "white messiah", Jeremy Cronin in which he said "If you thought you have taught me a lesson, wait until you see what is coming your direction,"

With all this fur flying it is no surprise that on Tuesday deputy president Kgalema Motlanthe stated that he had no doubt that these two would face disciplinary action. Now you see what you boys have done. No Christmas presents for you. Go stand in the corner and think about what you've done. And not another word or it's off to Black Peter's mine with you.

South Africa will become the first country in history to deploy HIV-positive troops to active duty. Though they will only serve in a support capacity and would not be deployed on the front lines it's a worldwide first which we can all be very proud of. In addition to this, Zimbabwe has already shown interest in adopting the same framework since they have the same issue of HIV-positive troops in their ranks. Proving that fighting a common enemy can bring people together.

You heard it here first folks. Speed traps are not just for making money according to Transport Minister Sbu Ndebele.

"It is to promote compliance with the road traffic rules and regulations,"

"By penalising errant road users, there can be greater awareness of compliance, thereby reducing offences, crashes and casualties." the minister said in a written reply to Inkatha Freedom Party member Peter Smith.

Smith had asked whether municipalities focus on speed fines to the exclusion of other traffic offences and whether this was because of the ready income stream generated from speeding fines.

A fair question. It makes shrewd business sense to focus on what makes the most money. And let's be honest. The fact that speeding fines generate a convenient revenue stream for municipalities is just a side effect. Sure. And speed doesn't kill either. Stopping very suddenly on the other hand...

Unless you've been asleep for the last five days you'll know that former health minister Manto Tshabalala-Msimang died on Reconciliation Day of complications arising from her liver transplant. Before anyone else flies off the handle or decides to say another bright comment - Gareth Cliff - please make peace with the following:

1. A memorial service will be held for her.
2. She will be remembered as a struggle hero.
3. Her history in dealing with the AIDs pandemic will be spoken of in hushed tones by some at first, loud tones by others later on.
4. She will be receiving a state funeral with military escort - to guard against invasion I suppose.
5. Some people - Gareth Cliff - will be rather vocal of their dislike of her.

I will say this. One of the few positive points that will be raised at her funeral will be her contribution to the struggle.

Now, I don't mean to sound like one of the cynical horde but if the only good things people can remember about you are actions you took 15 years ago... I think the record will speak for itself. Rest in peace Minister Msimang.

Staying briefly with the cheery subject of death, Hollywood actress Brittany Murphy, 32, died Sunday after she went into cardiac arrest and was pronounced dead on arrival at Cedars-Sinai Medical Centre. She had collapsed in her bathroom; LA City Fire-fighters were called to "a medical request" but could not revive her. Murphy starred in films including "Clueless," "8 Mile" and "Don't Say a Word." And leave us not to forget "Frank Miller's Sin City". Farewell Miss Murphy, we hardly knew ye.

And finally, my Douchebags of The Year award for 2009 goes to the people that stole the sign above the gate to Auschwitz. That's right. On Friday last, a group of moronic throwbacks thought it would be a good idea to steal the sign that stands above the entrance to the most notorious Nazi Death Camp in history. Marked with the phrase "Arbeit Macht Frei" or "Work Sets You Free" over R 1 million people, mostly Jews, passed under these words and marched to their deaths. What a jolly Christmas present that will make.

With that I'd like to amend an earlier statement I made. Mr. Malema, Mr Cronin, you're free to go. You Nazi-loving, right wing, skidmarks? Into the mines you go. You boys remember how to march don't you?

This concludes this week's edition of The Opening Monologue. I'd like to take this opportunity to wish you all the best for Christmas. I'd like to but I don't what you're getting me.

Just kidding.

See you next week and remember, you haven't heard it all till you've heard The Last Say On Sunday.


Posted by vittorio at 2:12 AM | Comments (0)

December 28, 2009

The Opening Monologue - 28/12/2009

The Opening Monologue - Monday the 28th of December 2009
Written by Vittorio Leonardi.

Good evening.

Christmas has come and gone. Some got what they wanted and others... not so much.

Nowhere is this clearer than in the continuing saga of Shabir Shaik. On Monday the 21st he was heard to bellow, "Where's my f***ing pardon?" in reference to the possibility of a presidential pardon that he feels entitled to for staying mum during the Zuma corruption case.

After Afriforum lodged an official complaint with the department of Correctional Services, Shaik received a stern warning (OOOOH, AAAAH), told that if he didn't play along he'd go back to jail and had his allotted free time shortened from six hours to two hours a day. Some would say that this is a mere slap on the wrist and less than he deserves. However the simple truth is that of the three parties involved in the arms deal scandal, two were never prosecuted. Thint - a French arms company - has access to guns and is overseas so no one's starting a fight there; and Jacob Zuma - head of the ANC and our president - controls the system keeping Shaik in jail.

I can't imagine why Shabir hasn't been pardoned. Class, can we say patsy?

Union "Solidarity" has cried foul of First National Bank's new bursary scheme for their employees. The scheme offers employees financial aid if they earn R100 000 or less per annum. The catch? You can't be white. Well done gentlemen. It seems that the credit crunch hit IQ's as well as bank balances this year. It seems that FNB is in need of a new slogan.

"How can we help... Oh, I'm sorry, you're white. We won't help you. Have you tried ABSA?"

Gareth Cliff should be banned from the airwaves permanently. This was the gist of the statement issued by the ANC Youth Leagues' Mamelodi branch on Tuesday. They feel Cliff's tweets about now deceased former health minister Manto Tshabalala-Msimang were unwarranted. They are now lobbying for the support of his dismissal and of a possible protest march against the DJ.

Not surprisingly, at Manto's funeral, nothing was mentioned of her legacy as health minister and her handling of the AIDS virus. As usual, no one spoke ill of the dead. However, Theunis Botha, leader of the Christian Democratic Party and acting chairman of the Christian Democratic Alliance, summed it up rather nicely:

Hundreds of thousands of people died as a result of her "callous disregard for modern scientific fact", he said in a statement.

"It does appear that hypocrisy is the accepted norm when someone has passed on. History however is not so kind when judging the legacies of those who are no longer around."

Mr, Botha, I guess Led Zeppelin was right. The song remains the same.

Traffic cops for the Nelson Mandela Bay Metro decided to gift themselves and motorists by not showing up for work over the festive season. No reasons were given and the department is still investigating. Gentleman, to you and your families, the people of your jurisdiction would like to say thank you and wish you long life and a very Merry Christmas. However they don't think you'll be having a happy new year because unemployment can put a damper on things.

Staying with holiday silliness, about 588 drivers were arrested for traffic offences including drunken driving and speeding during the festive season in Johannesburg. Well done folks, well done, enjoy your traffic fines. And if you leave them for long enough, they do indeed become the gifts that keep on giving. In one instance, a BMW driver (why am I not surprised?) was clocked doing 198km/h. I bet I know what his excuse was too.

"I don't know what happened officer. I was just cleaning my car when it suddenly went off."

If you ever wanted to know what... special looks like, you might want to look up local snakeman "Nutty Natie" Swart. He's currently trying to break a Guinness World Record for living with 40 venomous snakes at the Chameleon Village Reptile and Conservation Park at Hartbeespoort Dam.
That's right. Someone is willingly living with snakes, the poisonous kind, on purpose. Methinks alcohol may have been involved in this choice of career. Three months ago he was removed from the enclosure for treatment after being bitten by a puff adder named Delilah. Clearly he didn't get the message the first time round because it's happened again, with another puff adder, on the same foot!! On the incident, Swart said:

"Since that freak accident with the puff adder, Delilah, I have been watching the puff adders carefully. (Not carefully enough apparently.)
So, as I got off the bed, checking where the puff adders were, I did not realise that Beauty (Beauty?) had slithered underneath the bed. I stepped right on the poor thing's back," he said.

Poor thing, yeeees. The silly man stepped on you, yeeees. You didn't bite him, noooo. You were just cleaning your fangs when they suddenly went off.

And finally, The Mail & Guardian has released its S.A. Cabinet report card for 2009 and our parliamentarians have scored a roaring C. Despite having two A's and B grade here and there, the overall outlook for this year was average. Well done folks. Now if you can just knuckle down and try harder, you too can experience the feeling of being more than average.


You'll get more money.


That's the spirit.

This concludes this week's edition of The Opening Monologue. I hope New Years Eve is a jail free one and may you wake up with your pants up on a street near your house. See you next week and remember, you haven't heard it all till you've heard The Last Say On Sunday.


Posted by vittorio at 6:52 PM | Comments (0)