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July 21, 2005

I Found My Graceland

This past weekend was a truly great one. I went to ICON. Now, for those of you that have no idea what I’m on about, ICON is a role-playing; card gaming and all other things that were classified as weird geek stuff by the popular kids. The upside is I got to do stuff I always wanted to do. I got to use a sword. Not a fake, wooden, pretend sword… A REAL sword! A combat sword with the sharp pointy end and the razor’s edge. Big thank you to James and Perry for the usage of the swords. Hell yes! There are few things as liberating as swinging a sword through the air, the clash of steel and the singing sound of a blade after connecting with a target. Anyway, before I go on too much, I thought I’d give you regular folks a brief checklist of things you need to know before role-playing. For those of you already in the game, here’s a refresher course and list of anecdotes that you should be able to identify with. By the way, for you non-gamers, for larp, read Live Action Role Playing.

This past weekend was a truly great one. I went to ICON. Now, for those of you that have no idea what I’m on about, ICON is a role-playing; card gaming and all other things that were classified as weird geek stuff by the popular kids. The upside is I got to do stuff I always wanted to do. I got to use a sword. Not a fake, wooden, pretend sword… A REAL sword! A combat sword with the sharp pointy end and the razor’s edge. Big thank you to James and Perry for the usage of the swords. Hell yes! There are few things as liberating as swinging a sword through the air, the clash of steel and the singing sound of a blade after connecting with a target. Anyway, before I go on too much, I thought I’d give you regular folks a brief checklist of things you need to know before role-playing. For those of you already in the game, here’s a refresher course and list of anecdotes that you should be able to identify with. By the way, for you non-gamers, for larp, read Live Action Role Playing.

Some Famous Last words of Roleplaying:
1. It’s a gerbil liquidizer.
2. They’re only trolls.
3. How hard could it be?
4. Charge!
5. Run away!
6. Vampires are friendly.
7. Look, I killed it.
8. So… we’re sacrificing Prince Harry?
9. Why do my ponies always die?
10. F**k you, pit fiend!
11. I’ll cast a fireball. (Done in a tunnel.)
12. Do you smell petrol? (Said after striking a match.)
13. Hi. Followed by put a cap in his ass.
14. Don’t move.
15. Are you sure this a short cut?
16. Why doesn’t the rest of the party like me?
17. What a pretty flower. (Said to psychic flower that causes 400 points of damage.)
18. Where does this portal go?
19. I’m sure we can ambush this dragon.
20. Genie, make me a ham sandwich!
21. Let’s smash the orb!
22. Begone, flower fiend!
23. Is that Tarrasque gaining on us? (Big monster, runs very fast.)
24. I’ll give her a hug.
25. What are these strange black boils all over my skin?
26. Nice table. Good table.


The rules of Roleplaying:
1. Napalm fixes everything.
2. If it sounds silly, it’ll work… probably.
3. It’s perfectly normal to confuse guys for girls and girls for guys.
4. In D&D, you roll initiative and check which monster is worse off. In Cthulhu, you check to see which party member is the closest.
5. You don’t show up with weapons, you just show up with a bag of dice, an action sheet and a pen and say, “Right! Where is the bastard? Bring it on.”
6. Your boyfriend/girlfriend stands guard while you shag someone else… and it’s ok.
7. Bullets don’t work. Period.
8. Making someone cry in front of strangers is grounds for divorce.
9. “Vengeance is mine” is not just a creed; it’s a lifestyle choice.
10. “Don’t eat it; it’s poison” is a phrase you hear at least 40 or 50 times.
11. Shooting it will only make it mad.
12. You can call your guy friends “sweetie” and it doesn’t start a fight.
13. You decapitate your partner because they have more hit points than you.
14. Don’t disturb the sniper.
15. The cabin in the woods may look inviting but it would be a bad idea to enter it.

You might be a roleplayer:

1. If you know the latest weapons specs, tactics, and strategies of every major Special ops team in the world but you can’t remember how to get to work in the morning.
2. If you torture, hurt, maim and fry someone and they’re your friend.
3. Going to hell is not just a possibility, its mandatory.
4. If you enter any room and before you sit down, you know where the exits are and have your escape route planned and have improvised a weapon.
5. If a method actor has ever said to you, ”Dude, what’s your secret?”
6. You join the police or the military because they had a cool uniform and it looked good while larping.
7. You walk into a derelict building with paint peeling off the walls; subsiding floors and flickering electricity and you say, “F**k, this would be a great place for a larp!”
8. If you fight ghouls, ghosts, goblins, monsters and old grannies but you’re still afraid of a spider.
9. If you’ve ever survived an entire weekend on Cup O Noodle & hot dogs.
10. You speak ewok, elven and klingon, but can’t hold a conversation with the opposite sex.
11. If you’ve ever used the phrase, “I have this cool D&D character, wanna see?” as a pick up line.
12. If you’ve ever spent six hours without food or going to the bathroom aiming at a window, through sleet, rain and snow just to shoot your larp target.
13. If you speak in a funny voice and its an asset.
14. If you’ve ever handed in an assignment late because you were saving the world dammit!
15. If you can plan a bank heist, a terrorist attack and you know the complete access codes to area 51.
16. If you know more torture techniques than Israeli Mossad.
17. If you’ve ever asked the question, “Is Smurfette a slut?” or “where did Prince Charming kiss Sleeping Beauty?”
18. If they play, “I wanna f**k you like an animal!” And the women say, “That’s so romantic.”
19. If you dress in clear heels and skintight bodice just to win a costume contest at ICON.
20. If a skintight bodice and clear heels is your casual wear.
21. If you never have to beg your girlfriend to dress up as an anime schoolgirl.
22. If you’ve ever set fire to one dye in front of the other dice so they stop rolling badly.
23. If you spend more money on dice than Ethiopia does on food.
24. If a truck isn’t enough to transport your dice.
25. If your have trouble choosing matching dice for your outfit.
26. You can’t lend dice to people. If you do you can’t use them again because they roll funny.
27. You build Zen gardens out of dice… because you have so many.
28. If L5R, D&D, Cthulhu, Delta Green, Big Eyes Small Mouth and All Flesh Must Be Eating doesn’t make you go, “Huh?”
29. If you’ve ever wasted a gazeebo with your crossbow.


So there you have it. Hope you guys enjoyed read this segment. And to the guys at ICON, thanks for having me and every other gamer and dreamer over this year. It was great fun as usual and we’ll see you all again next year. Be well y’all. Till next time. Peace.

Posted by vittorio at July 21, 2005 12:36 AM

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