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April 25, 2005

Happy Homeboys and Fashion Accidents

I don’t consider myself to be a fashion guru. When you’re my size you tend to shop with the mindset of “does it fit? Will I sweat in it?” Whatever the House of Versace is doing doesn’t really bother me. However I have noticed the steady increase of the homeboy phenomenon.

Most of you would have seen it by now. I’m talking about the people that have their underwear hanging out and have the crotch of their pants somewhere close to their knees. This look is, apparently, what is hip and trendy among young people now. The only advantage I’ve found in it is that clothing stores seem to stock my size now. Fashion does horrific things to the world. If you want proof of that, just look at seventies and eighties fashions to see just how badly we can lose the plot. The eighties alone did terrible things to hair, clothing and guitars. Any time you’re wearing clothing with colours bright enough to be seen from space, it’s time to just say NO!

I remember a friend, who is an eighties child, telling me about going to a party in his pyjamas… on purpose! He wasn’t five years old, it wasn’t a sleep over and it wasn’t somebody’s birthday party either. It also was not at Michael Jackson’s house. (I couldn’t resist!) No people no! This is very wrong. Think of it this way: the next time you’re getting ready to go out, look in the mirror. If, for one iota of a nanosecond you think, “I look like a dick in this” take off the outfit and choose something else! Your instinct knows best. Another simple hint is when your ensemble causes a fifteen-car collision on a major road. You’re either wearing way too little, a piece of your anatomy is hanging out or the reflection of light off your outfit is blinding people. It’s just a thought. Use it. Don’t use it. It’s your call but think of the lives you’ll save in traffic alone.

Having said all this, I’d like to leave you with a simple test on how to determine whether or not you are a homeboy. I didn’t make any of these up. These are based on my observations while walking through a malls and other such social places. I’ll start with those I’ve already mentioned.

You might be a homeboy…

1. If the crotch of your pants is between your knees.
2. If your underwear hangs out of your pants… and you’re fine with it.
3. If you wear a skullcap, scarf, head sock, bandana and a cap ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
4. If have an inability to wear a cap facing forwards.
5. If your pants are so baggy you could use them to smuggle refugees.
6. If you’ve ever been in, caused or started a fight because someone stepped on somebody’s Pumas, Converse All-stars or Timberlands.
7. If you think FUBU is high fashion.
8. If you’ve ever said that you’re “all that and a bag of chips.”
9. If it ain’t no thang but a chicken wing. (I don’t know what it means either.)
10. If someone says “for shizzle my nizzle.” And you understand what that means immediately.
11. If you’ve bought yourself jewellery and called it bling, bling.
12. If you wear so much bling, you set off metal detectors.
13. If you’re a guy and you wear more bling than your ho. (Ho, translation - girlfriend)
14. If you call your mode of transportation, your ride, lowrider, pussywagon or hoopty.
15. If you call your girlfriend a ho and it’s a term of endearment.
16. If you call someone a ho and its not in reference to gardening equipment.
17. If your male friends are your dogs and your female friends your bitches.
18. If you’ve called someone your homey and neither of you are gay.
19. If you refer to yourself as an O.G. or a Macdaddy and you’re not ordering burgers.
20. If you’ve ever been kickin’ it old school, hangin’ with the bitches, downin’ a forty or sippin’ on juice n’ gin. (I still don’t know what it means either.)
21. If you attend schools or go to parties with metal detectors and armed response units in attendance.
22. If you like M n’ M’s. The rap star, not the candy.
23. If a party is off the hook.
24. If you can’t hold a handgun properly.
25. If you’re down with it and you’re not referring to a syndrome or disease.
26. If you walk down the street and people ask you what’s wrong with your leg.
27. If your car has hydraulics and its not a fork lift.
28. If you’ve ever used your criminal record to get into rap music.
29. If you’ve ever poured alcohol on the ground to pay your respects to “your dead homeys.”
30. If you need to constantly hold your crotch. (In case it falls off, I suppose.)
And finally…
31. If you’ve ever had to stay strapped, carry a gat or pack some heat because you had to flee 5 0 after a payback 187 (What?!) you might just be a homeboy.

That’s it for another thought. If you have any additions or suggestions, please email me and I’ll look them over. Be well. Peace.

Posted by vittorio at April 25, 2005 8:00 AM

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